My wife (Kathy) and I have been married 30 years. We are both college-educated and fairly good communicators. Most people understand us when we talk or write.

But sometimes we have a hard time communicating with each other. It is not that we don’t try, or that one of us doesn’t want to understand. But occasionally (I think it is only occasionally), one of us just doesn’t “get” what the other person is saying. I will admit that the person in our relationship that doesn’t “get it” most often is usually me.

She is trying to communicate something and I’m listening. I’m nodding like I understand. I feedback to her what she just said. And I may get the words right, but it is clear to her (sometimes, also to me) that I am not really understanding what she is trying to say. Even now, I think of conversations where I am nodding, “Yea, yea”, and then all-of-a-sudden I get ‘fogged’. “Whoa, wait a minute. You lost me there. I got point A, and point B, but then I’m not sure where you went from there.” And she tries again, with different words, but I find myself wincing and squinting, shaking my head side-to-side and just generally being confused.

Recently, we had this experience again. She was sharing about some challenges in our relationship, and I’m listening. But I am not getting it. And she is getting frustrated with herself that she can’t communicate her thoughts, feelings and experiences in a way that I understand what she is trying to say.

Ok, so I am a psychologist. And I am supposed to be this expert in human interactions — relationships, communication, feelings, and all that. This isn’t supposed to happen to me or in my marriage. (Wrong.)

So we agreed to try an experiment — some creative problem-solving, if you will. Since we have had this experience at least a few times, and seem to get stuck at the same place, we agreed we need to try something different. We are going to try to communicate these thoughts & feelings differently.

Here’s some things we are going to try (or, at least, consider as options):

Write it down. Sometimes people are better able to communicate more clearly when they write down their thoughts. This allows them to review what they have written and see if it really expresses what they are trying to say. It also slows down the interaction so the receiver doesn’t respond right away and you get into a quick interchange, which can lead to heightened emotions or getting off track.

Draw a picture. Drawing a picture of how you are feeling now, and possibly a picture of how you would like things to be may “break through” and help the person see the situation differently. It can be an actual drawing of the situation, or a “feeling picture” that represents what you are experiencing inside.

Use a word picture. Use some daily life situation that can serve as an example of what you are thinking. “It’s like cooking. You have the ingredients. You put them together, but not in the right order. And so the cake doesn’t turn out right.”

The best kinds of word pictures are those using examples and experiences most familiar to the recipient of the message. If you are trying to get your husband to understand something, use objects and processes that are part of his life — sports, fishing, planning a project at work, food, mechanics, computers — whatever it is.

Find some media (song, book poem, video clip) that says or shows what you are trying to communicate. This could be tough, but there are media examples out there that communicate our internal experience better than what we can say ourselves. It could be a song (Carole King’s “You’re So Vain” comes to mind!), or a passage from a book (keep it short), a poem (don’t get too metaphorical), or a clip from a movie (this could be good if the guy doesn’t infer too much from the rest of the movie).

You may have other suggestions. I’m open to ideas. We will see how it goes (I’ll let you know if we have a major breakthrough).

I think the encouraging part is — we keep trying. We know each other is trying. We aren’t giving up (yet) on trying to communicate. Maybe it’s me as an individual person. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy. Maybe it’s just tough for men and women to fully understand each other. Maybe it is something else. We haven’t figured it out yet. I will let you know if / when we do.

I have been reflecting on the role of quiet (or the lack of it) in our lives — from two different perspectives.

Quiet in our daily life environments. I’m not sure we are aware of how much noise we live with. Not just the ambient noise around us — the air conditioner or heating fan, the hum of the refrigerator, traffic sounds, sirens, the announcements or music at airports, the TV at restaurants, people’s conversations around us — but also the ‘noise’ we bring into our lives.

I can be particularly bad about this — turning on the radio and listening to news while getting dressed; listening to more “news” while driving; having music on while cooking dinner; turning on the TV while doing some paperwork or light housework (the last example is hypothetical, not based in reality). Now, obviously none of these sources of information or entertainment has anything wrong with them but the real issue is a lack of quiet, mental space in our lives.

Why is this important? Because “quiet” gives us the opportunity to think and reflect. Mental space is the “garden” for creativity — we need uncluttered space and time to think new thoughts. Maybe this is why many of us enjoy taking walks in nature — the combination of the natural beauty plus the relative quiet provides an environment for reflection.

Quiet in conversations. I spend a fair amount of my time with people, including groups of people. And I am often amazed at how some people talk, and continue to talk, past the time they have much to say of importance. Conversely, there are many people who are thoughtful, observant and have valuable contributions — but they tend to not say a lot and often need to be drawn out.

When I went to college, a young adult friend of mine gave me some counsel before I left home. He (lovingly) told me I had the propensity to try to impress people, often by talking and drawing attention to myself. He suggested I just sit back, be quiet, and observe others — and then eventually engage in the conversations. So, for a period in my life, I became a self-induced introvert. And I learned quite a bit — how others (whom I was a lot like) really made fools of themselves by their constant chattering and dramatic interactions. This experience was really beneficial to me (I hope!) in allowing me to see how I sometimes came across to others, and gave me the opportunity to make different choices in my interactions with others.

I don’t need to say much else. I think the implications are fairly obvious. Take some time in the next couple of days and reflect on “quiet” in your life. Would you like your daily life to be a bit different in these areas?

Recently, in a variety of settings I am observing the issue of trust impacting business relationships.

Obviously, trust is at the foundation for business transactions – that the vendor will provide the goods or services purchased, that the goods or services will be at the quality level described initially, and that the customer will pay for the goods or services in the time frame agreed upon.

Another area of business where trust is impactful is in the employer / employee relationship – where the employer follows through on commitments communicated to the employee and the integrity level of employees to be trusted to access to information and resources.

This past week I was talking to a business owner who described a situation where he had hired a sales manager (in early 2008, prior to the financial crisis hitting) who in turn started hiring a fairly high cost sales staff. Whenever the current owners or management team raised issues or asked questions of the sales manager, he reported replied, “Do I have to earn your trust or earn your mistrust?” (implying they should trust him until he proved untrustworthy.)

I replied that this was the wrong question. And, in fact, I find much communication around the issue of “trust” is not laid out properly. I do not believe that the question is: “Do I trust you?” (or “Do you trust me?”). This is too broad.

Trust is situation specific. The more appropriate question, I think, is: “For what do I trust you?” Or, “What am I willing to entrust to you?” (responsibility, privileges, resources). I may trust you to hire staff within a budget amount but I may not trust you to have total access to all of the company’s financial data. Or, I may trust you to pay bills with appropriate procedural checks and balances but I don’t trust you to have total access to the company’s financial resources without monitoring.

Think back to common family situations. Teenagers often complain to their parents, “You don’t trust me!” But again, the real issue is “trust you to do what?” I do trust you to choose good friends and to tell me the truth about where you are going, but no I don’t trust you to drive three hours late at night in a car with four of your friends on a snowy night.

Generally speaking, trust is earned — either from prior behavior with other individuals (that is why we trust professionals who have gone through training and certification in their profession, but we often also check references of people with whom they have worked) or in their behavior with us. We trust others (in the defined areas of responsibility) based on previously demonstrated responsibility in similar areas.

[I do admit that in many daily interactions we confer trust to others when we have no specific basis to do so, other than assuming most people are trustworthy in daily life transactions. However, this level of trust varies greatly across individuals’ own personal history and life experiences.]

I find that people (both business owners and parents) tend to get “burned” when they give more trust and responsibility to others when the person hasn’t demonstrated a basis for that trust.

A second area where I find business owners and managers tend to get taken advantage of by others in the business world is when they ignore early warning signs of mistrust. Partly due to the self-reinforcing tendency that we don’t want to admit that something may be wrong (and that we made a mistake in hiring this person), and sometimes partly due to people’s propensity to want to believe the best of others - we wind up overlooking early warning signs of a person not being trustworthy. As a result, we continue to entrust responsibilities and resources to the individual and find out later they weren’t trustworthy in how they handled the responsibilities - digging a deeper hole and creating more problems for the business.

So, where do we go with all of this?

First, I would suggest to accurately define the parameters of trust in relationships. Using a framework such as, “I am willing to trust you to…” Sometimes, it may be appropriate to say, “I am willing to trust you with… because you have shown yourself responsible by… ” Additionally, sometimes you may need to add, “…but I don’t feel comfortable yet in giving you the responsibility to …” Finally, it is helpful to clarify what responsibilities need to be demonstrated in order for you to trust the individual with more areas (this is really helpful in dealing with teens - versus the arbitrary “when I feel comfortable”.)

Secondly, I would strongly encourage each of us to pay attention to early warning signs of problem behaviors. This can take many different forms, including:

*the facts just don’t add up

*you are getting reports from clients and customers and other trusted team members, about some problems in a team member’s behavior

*the team member responds to questions and challenges with a “don’t you trust me?” type of response

*the team member is quite adept at making excuses, blaming others or circumstances versus admitting they made a mistake or error in judgement.

How should you respond to early warning signs?

a) talk to the individual about your concerns; often your concerns may be due to misperceptions or miscommunication;

b) obtain verifying information by an independent third party;

c) set up processes and procedures to monitor transactions

d) document the issues and behaviors which are creating concerns for you. Often the weight of evidence over time becomes significant, while no one specific incident is that large.

I think it would be wise for each one of us to consider the following old saying,

“Wise individuals see danger ahead and avoid it, but fools keep going and get into trouble.”

There is an increasing emphasis on the inter-relatedness between the process of making money (whether through active business activities or through investments) and also having a positive impact on one’s community (either at the local, national or global level). The focus, along with developing opportunities, applies to individuals and families, small businesses, corporations, and family foundations.

Let me share with you some recent developments from a variety of social arenas, and also resources available, if you are interested in finding out more.

At the corporate and business level. This past week Indra Nooyi, the CEO of PepsiCo, shared her thoughts about the need for corporations to redefine what true profit is. She suggested that a company’s “real profit” is revenue, less costs of goods sold, less the costs to society. Ms. Nooyi stated, “companies can do well, long term, only if the socieities in which they operate also do well.”

Additionally, others like Dov Seidman [author of How: Why How We Do Anything Means Everything…in Business (and in Life)], propose that companies who behave ethically will also eventually outperform their competitors financially. For an introduction to his thoughts, see the February 8, 2010 article in Forbes entitled “Why Doing Good is Good for Business.”

At the individual and family level. Given the disappointment with the banking industry, their struggles with ethical behavior and seeming lack of interest in anything except pure financial return, individual investors are looking for alternatives. Recently, I was exposed to the concept of community development banks — whose mission is to not only provide a financial return for their investors but also to invest in their communities. They do this at multiple levels — providing small business loans to help businesses grow, being involved in microfinance lending for start-up entrepreneurs, investing in community projects such as Boys & Girls clubs, providing education and training for small business owners, giving loans for education, investing in the local educational systems; the list goes on. An excellent example and leader in this area is Southern Bancorp, who is having a dramatic impact in the Mississippi delta areas in Arkansas and Mississippi. [Note: you don’t have to live in the area to bank there. For example, we are moving our personal money market account from a national financial institution to Southern Bancorp — where we will earn market-rate (or better) interest while Southern will use the money in community development projects.]

From the family foundation and philanthropic perspective. For decades, family foundations and private foundations have emphasized aligning their financial investments with their values. This led to the development of “socially responsible investing” — not investing in companies whose business was not consistent with the family’s or institution’s values (for example, who made products related to military weapons, whose processes seriously damaged the environment, or were related to alcohol, tobacco or gambling).

Further developments have included mission-related and program-related investments — where the foundations proactively invest in companies who are aligned with the foundation’s mission (e.g. companies who are creating technologies applicable for developing countries, or companies developing charter schools). For an excellent introduction, see the publication “Mission Related Investing” published by Rockefeller Philanthropy Advisors.

A third wave has been the focus on social entrepreneurs — helping individuals who are both entrepreneurial (in the business sense) but who are also impacting their communities at the social level — through job creation, education and training, creating products using local renewable resources. I have had the prvilege of working with Charly and Lisa Kleissner and their family over the past nine years, as their family coach. Charly and Lisa have become leaders in the area of social entrepreneurship — and I have gotten to see, hear and learn from them in their work in this area. Go to www.socialimpact.com for great resources and to gain an understanding of social entrepreneurs. [I can’t give a sufficient introduction here — it is too big of a topic.]

Finally, a new area of “doing good” while making money is the arena of “Impact Investing”. Historically, foundations viewed socially-responsible investments in their investment portfolio, as an area where they would be willing to earn less (say 2% versus 5%) on their investments. However, there is a new movement among philanthropic investors who are demonstrating that socially-responsible investments (e.g. in long-term sustainable timber production) that not only have a positive social return but also can meet or exceed the financial returns compared to their investment allocation benchmarks.

Again, Rockefeller Philanthropy Advisors, along with Lisa and Charly Kleissner, Raul Pomares and others, have produced a thorough introduction to the topic, entitled, “Solutions for Impact Investors“. Also, the Kleissner’s foundation website provides a great introduction to the topic. Go to www.klfelicitasfoundation.org and hit the button regarding their investment strategy.

I know I have thrown a lot of information and topics out there in this entry — but they are all inter-related and I wanted to give people starting points for investigating, exploring and learning about the new resources that are becoming available. (It feels sort of like doing the abridged version of all Shakespeare’s works in 30 minutes.)

Hopefully, I will be able to “circle back” and give a more in depth discussion of some of the areas. In the meantime, enjoy exploring!

In the past several weeks, I have had the opportunity to interact with a few large extended families — both at a personal and professional level. And I have been impressed with some common characteristics I observed across these families, whom I view to be relatively healthy and functional.

Given the bashing that extended families take in TV shows and movies, you wonder if every family is totally filled with people who can’t stand each other and have major conflicts at every gathering. But I can tell you from multiple experiences — this probably isn’t the case. Now, I am not saying that most multi-generational families function like the Waltons (for those of you under 30, I don’t have a more recent media example of a syrupy-sweet family). And, in fact, virtually every family has some major challenges relationally. But that really is the point — healthy families learn how to manage challenges without blowing themselves up.

Here are some qualities and behavior patterns I observed in these relatively healthy, multi-generational families:

Straightforward and honest communication. It is difficult to have good relationships with others when people don’t say what they really mean, when they lie about themselves and others, or if they use indirect forms of communication (talking about or “through” others). Being upfront and honest (without being brutal) is a good starting point.

Invest time with one another. Relationships require time together, and families who are healthy realize this. They make time to be together. Getting together with the extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) is rarely convenient. But if a family is going to stay together, they have to be together, at least occasionally.

Acceptance of differences. People are different, have you noticed? The challenge is that, usually, there are commonalities among family members — they look alike, they have many of the same talents and skills, and they often have similar interests and values. But within all families there are individual differences (sometimes this is a source of tension while the “different” one is growing up), and these become even more pronounced when siblings become adults, marry, and form their own family units. Wise families accept these differences, and seek to embrace and support those who have different perspectives, backgrounds, values and ways of living. If “different = wrong”, then this becomes a source for breaks in relationships and an overall defensiveness (”my way is right”). A lack of understanding and accepting those who are different from you is a major impediment for families continuing to relate together.

Not easily offended. It was interesting to observe that there were numerous situations in which an individual (or family group) could be offended by a comment or action by another. Generally speaking, this didn’t happen. Family members chose to “let it slide” and not make an issue of it. On the other hand, there are individuals who carry a chip on their shoulder, and can be offended by the slightest of (often unintentional) comments, actions or decisions. Routinely, they seemed to react by distancing themselves and cutting off the relationship.

Kindness and showing interest in others. An overwhelming theme was the high level of kindness displayed among family members — demonstrated largely by an interest in others. I personally experienced this with my wife’s family — they asked questions of me (or whoever they were talking to), seemed genuinely interested and listened to my responses, and were encouraging in their comments. In most interactions (across the different family groups I was with), there was very little demanding to be the center of attention and no observable pouting from individuals who didn’t feel that they weren’t getting the attention they felt they deserved.

So what do we do with these observations? Wish that we were part of these families? Maybe, but that really wouldn’t do any good.

I think the implications are twofold:

a) Strive to interact in a healthy manner with your family. Be a positive family member yourself. (It starts with being involved and communicating with family members.)

b) Encourage and instruct others to behave maturely. This is a touchy one. I don’t mean: criticize and berate others for not behaving well. I do mean instructing your children in the healthy ways of communicating, and possibly, giving gentle encouragement to others (with whom you have a decent relationship) who are struggling, to make good choices in their interactions with others.

Positive, supportive relationships with family can be achieved (to some degree, at least), if we each work on our own part. The alternatives seem to be: a) don’t relate to your family at all, or b) stew in negative interactions which no one enjoys and which will destroy whatever relationships exist.

It’s your choice.

Have a great week and enjoy those around you!

Unfortunately, when the issue of “character” is in the news today, the focus is usually on character failures — lack of integrity, marital unfaithfulness, greed and dishonesty. So to be able to talk about a man of good character is a privilege.

When thinking about the title of this entry, I was indecisive about whether it should be “To a Great Man of Character” or “To a Man of Great Character”. Obviously, I chose the latter — for two reasons. First, in the world’s eyes I don’t know if Spence Sawyer would be characterized as a “great man” — in the general terms of incredible success professionally or in terms of raw talent. Although he was talented in several areas and he was also quite successful in his profession, most who knew Spence focused on who he was as a person. So, the second reason I chose this title is because almost everyone who knew Spence would agree he was a man of “great character”. It was his character that impacted others, and most who knew him (including myself) found themselves wanting to emulate him.

Spence Sawyer died this week at the age of 78. He was born and raised in the suburbs of west Chicago and spent most of his adult life in this area, with a few years early in his professional life living in New Jersey while commuting to New York City. He was the father of seven children, whom he mentored and helped each obtain a private college education (no small feat financially, regardless of the era).

I want to highlight just a few of the character qualities that I first thought of when reflecting on Spence’s life:

Responsible. Responsibility was at the core of Spence’s being — shouldering the responsibility of leading his family and guiding his children, from childhood through adolescence and into their adult lives; taking responsibility to provide leadership in most of the organizations he was committed to (his church, his company [he worked for Illinois Bell and AT&T for forty years], the college he and many of his family members attended), and just in general daily life. If Spence saw something that needed to be done, he would make sure it got done.

Faithful. In his personal relationships, Spence was faithful to his wife, Ruth, of over 50 years, his children, grandchildren and his friends. Spence was “Mr. Reliable”. If he made a commitment, he kept it. You never had to wonder if he was going to show up; he was always there. He followed through on commitments made — in fact, you would never think of Spence not following through. He was rock solid. You wanted him on your team — and he was sought out by organizations because they knew he would help you achieve your goals.

Investing in others. I’m not sure of the best way to put this, or of a good singular term, but Spence gave his life in the service of others. He was not self-promoting. He did not seek positions of leadership — he was seen as a leader and asked to take leadership positions by those around him. After his retirement in the 90’s, he spent much of his time and energy meeting with others — teaching, mentoring, listening and encouraging. Interestingly, because of some early life experiences that impacted him significantly, Spence was reluctant to give advice to others — even when asked. But if you cornered him, you could get him to help you frame the problem and think through the issues you needed to consider. (The result of his investing in others will be seen next week at his memorial service where 800-900 people are expected to honor him and share in the celebration of his life.)

Laughter. From the previous descriptors, one might conclude that Spence was a stern, stodgy, “all work and no play” kind of guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Spence was one of the best story- and joke-tellers I have ever known, and he loved to laugh. In fact, one of my favorite memories is sitting with him at the kitchen table, having a bowl of ice cream and he would start telling some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. The problem was, he would start tearing up and laughing before he finished the joke — and you found yourself laughing and crying just because he was (and you weren’t exactly sure why)!

There are lots of other personal qualities that characterized Spence, some of which were so ingrained in who he was that you couldn’t think of him not exhibiting them (honesty, integrity, generosity). He was a man of deep spirituality who loved the God he served and who has left a legacy in the lives of those who knew him — that will endure for years to come. I know that I have been deeply impacted by his input into my life and I will miss him dearly. I had the privilege of knowing him for over 30 years, as the father of my wife. His leaving the life on this earth has caused me to seriously reflect on my life and my priorities.

I hope that I will also become a man of great character.

In my role as a family coach for wealthy families, one of the common issues that arises is the parents’ desire to be “fair” with their children and grandchildren. (I put “fair” in quotation marks because it really is an unusual term that is defined differently by many people and is almost totally based on perception.)

For whatever reason, and I really don’t know exactly where it comes from, fairness is an extremely important issue in our culture that drives many decisions within families. Take, for instance, this past week’s events over Christmas — parents (regardless of their financial status) are quite concerned about giving the equivalent financial value (or perceived value) in gifts to their family members.

There are many challenges related to parents or grandparents trying to be fair with their family members. Let me cite a few:

The “givers” have their own perception of what is (or should be) fair. Most people have a hard time accurately or concisely describing what “fair” is, but they sure have a strong sense of it intuitively. Often it is described in terms of being “equal”, but when pressed about specifics or circumstantial differences, the concept of equal usually fades into the background.

The “receivers” usually have a different view of fairness from the givers (and from other receivers).Most of the family members with whom I work are genuinely grateful for any gift they are (or will be) receiving. The adult children and their spouses do not appear to be greedy, unthankful or have a sense of entitlement. They understand that the “givers” have the right to do whatever they want with their possessions. Nonetheless, when probing deeper, they often express a different viewpoint of what would be “fair” in how the gifts are distributed across the family — often not to their own benefit but out of concern for one of their siblings or in-law’s.

What is “fair” changes over time (pretty easily and often). Let’s take the recent volatility in the financial markets and real estate values. Suppose, in May 2008, some parents gave one of their children $100,000 in a blue chip stock; they gave their second child a house in Atlanta worth $100,000; and they gave their third child $100,000 in cash to use as they wished. Let’s assume each child wanted and agreed to the form of the gift they received (this isn’t always true, you know). So not only were the gifts “fair”, they were exactly equal in monetary value in May 2008 (which is an unusual occurance). But fast forward to May of 2009. The blue chip stock lost 40% of its value, so it is now only worth $60,000. The home in Atlanta lost 50% of its value and can’t really be sold for virtually any price. And the $100,000 in cash is worth $102,000 after they earned 2% on it in a money market account. Are the gifts fair now? Should the parents do some additional giving to make the monetary values equal?

When do you want fairness to exist? When do the givers want things to be fair. Now? Next year? When the business sells? When everyone has completed college? When dad dies and his life insurance proceeds create cash to equalize the gifts given? When both parents die and everything will be “equaled up”? “When” is an important question to answer — for a number of reasons. First, you have the most control over events closest to the present. So “now” seems to be a pretty good option. However, you may not have the liquid assets to make everything fair now, so “now” doesn’t work for many families. Secondly, the further out the “when” is, leaves more variables to chance and the likelihood of fairness not being achieved. Is it “fair” to your second child to wait until the business sells (say in 5 years) to make things fair, and they get divorced and become a single parent needing cash flow two years from now? Or is it “fair” to the eldest child who is running the business (and buying it from you) to wait to realize their inheritance when they sell the business (potentially) in twenty years? I can run a lot of scenarios that create problems.

So what do you do? Give up on the ideal of “fairness”. Maybe, but probably not. I try to help families (usually the senior couple or single parent) clarify what being “fair” means to them, to the best of their ability currently. Secondly, answering the question “when” is critical — and it differs significantly across families. Finally, I encourage family members to think more in terms of values, rather than fairness. Since fairness is a moving target across time and is perceived differently by almost everyone involved — I find making decisions based on what is important to you as a better guideline.

Is education for the next generation important to you? Then figure out a way to fund that. Is affordable housing important? Then figure out a way to help younger family members achieve this goal. Travel? Stay-at-home moms for your grandchildren? A financial safety net? Guaranteed health insurance? Whatever is important to you — pursue that as a gift.

You will eventually have to make some decisions about what you view as being “fair” — assuming you have more than one child. Do you try to equalize your gifts to your children? Or do you try to equalize them at the grandchild level (one of your children has two kids; his sister has three kids; and the youngest has one of his own and three stepchildren)? It’s not easy. But, hey, that is what I am here for — to help you think and talk through the issues, so you can come to a decision you can live with.

Remember, you don’t have to have a lot of money or “stuff” for this to be an issue. Dividing up the household furniture and belongings raises the same issues. Whatever you do, don’t let one of your kids or grandkids (who does have a greed or entitlement issue) “guilt” you into making decisions you don’t want to.

Until then, have a great and safe New Year’s celebration.

A “new tradition” is sort of an oxymoron.  By definition,  (”a long-established, inherited way of thinking or acting”), a tradition is some action that you have been doing for a while.  But I believe it is both possible and helpful to intentionally create new traditions for your family.

We need to recognize that families go through a variety of life stages, with different needs at each stage.  And the demands and parameters of daily life vary significantly.  Think about what life is like when you:

• Are in college, or a single young adult.
• Are newly married, early in your career, without children.
• Have 2-3 children, ages birth to four years old.
• Have 3 children, ages six to twelve, and both parents are working outside of the home.
• Are parents of preteens and high school students.
• Have some children in college and some at home.
• Have daughters-in-law’s and sons-in-law, with some of your children living in other parts of the country.
• Have become empty-nesters, and eventually grandparents.

It is hard to imagine a family tradition that could survive and be really appropriate for family members across all of these life stages (with the possible exception of special foods served at holiday meals).  That is why most family traditions die over time — they no longer “fit” with where the family is currently. So it really seems necessary for families to create (or revise) family traditions over time, if the family is going to continue to have traditions they celebrate.

We may want to review why having traditions is important?  What is the big deal?  On the one hand, I could argue, they really aren’t that big of a deal — they aren’t directly related to the survival of anyone or the family.  On the other hand, I believe traditions are important for a number of reasons.

Traditions:

• Create a sense of togetherness among family members.
• Provide a context by which family memories are made and can be recalled (”remember when you were little, we used to … “)
• Become an avenue through which you can teach important values (e.g. going as a family on a service project together).
• Give a sense of stability and predictability to a family, which children both need and desire.
• Generate positive emotional energy within a family through a sense of anticipation of the event, and also gratitude for the energy expended to make the event occur.
• Develop a pathway of transferring family history, values and stories across generations (”When I was growing up, our family . . . “)

Let me give you some examples of traditions we have created within our family over the years.

Opening Christmas presents.  When our children were little, we devised a strategy to manage the pressure of them wanting to open Christmas presents (which were already under the tree) on Christmas eve.  Rather than facing constant and repeated questions (”Can’t we just …), we came upon the plan of me [dad] giving the family a present to open on Christmas eve.  Every year it was a game that we could play together that evening.  So it accomplished a number of goals:  a) decreased the demands to open presents;  b) provided a family activity for us to do together; and c) helped us develop quite a storehouse of games to be used throughout the year!

Giving gifts to charities and educating the family about the charity.  Several years ago, when my siblings and our families gathered together to exchange gifts at my parents’ home, we decided that we didn’t need to give each other small, and sometimes not very meaningful gifts, just out of habit. We were having our own families, didn’t need the extra expense, and the time and energy to shop for one another (even after we had reduced it to drawing names to just give one present) didn’t seem worth it.  So we agreed to start a new gift giving tradition.  That each year one sibling and our spouse would choose a charity; we would provide information about the organization and the services they provided, and then the siblings gave money to that charity instead of buying gifts.  (This was a time-limited tradition which went away as our families grew larger and we no longer meet together to exchange gifts across the extended family.)

A new holiday meal.  In deference to my friend, Dr. Gary Chapman, and his book The Five Love Languages, I would propose that there is a separate love language for teenage boys — food.  (Anyone else who has had three teenage boys knows what I mean.)  This is especially true for our middle son, Joel.   A number of years ago, when Joel was in high school, he proposed that we start a new tradition, a Christmas eve meal of barbeque meatballs, fries, salad, and brownies for dessert.  His brothers, sister, and dad all thought this sounded like a good idea — and in exchange for help in making the meal, mom agreed to the new tradition, which we enjoy to the present.

A family story-telling event.  When we moved into our home over fourteen years ago, we started a tradition focused on our new, large fireplace.  We call it “The First Fire”.  Every year, as the weather gets colder, we pick a night to build our first fire in the fireplace.  We start it without newspaper (only using really small pieces of wood) and try to start it with just one match.  After the fire is going, we turn out all the lights, sit around the fire and eat some wintry munchies (popcorn, hot cider, hot chocolate, make s’mores).  And then we tell family stories.  Kathy and I tell stories about our families when we were growing up, and even stories that our parents told us about their childhood.  And then we tell stories about each child, when they were little.  (The siblings all chime in with their own memories and stories of one another.)  It really is a delightful time.  We will have to see if the tradition continues or how it may morph into a new form, since our children are all at college or out on their own now.

There are other traditions I could share (Fourth of July celebrations, vacation sites we went to repeatedly for years, birthday traditions, New Year’s traditions), but that is enough for now.

As we approach the Christmas and New Year’s holidays, when most families gather together, I would encourage you to think about your current (or possibly past) traditions that you want to keep going or rekindle.  And also think about possible new traditions that you may want to start.

Here are a couple of lessons we have learned in starting new traditions:

1. There needs to be a leader, someone who leads out and take charge.  Just throwing out an idea (”Maybe we should . . .”  or “What do you think about .  .  . “), doesn’t make it happen.
2. Having more than one family member involved and committed raises the probability of getting started.   Trying to start a family tradition by yourself doesn’t usually work.  There needs to be “buy in” from one or two others (depending on the size of your family) to sustain the energy needed to overcome inertia, and to “get it done”.
3. Don’t wait for everyone for to get excited about the idea in order to start. Having unanimous agreement or excitement is probably an unrealistic expectation (especially if you have teenagers!)  It is okay for someone to not really be that excited about the idea initially.  But usually, if it is a decent idea and implemented adequately, family members “come along” and often later admit they enjoyed the time.

Whatever you do together as a family over the coming weeks, do it and enjoy one another!

May God bless you and your time together over the holidays.

OK, first things first.  I am a busy person.  Currently, too busy.  (I am writing this as I sit on a plane flying to Chicago for a business meeting.)  So this is one of those entries where I call on the “psychologist’s privilege” of being able to expound on principles that I do not have implemented in my life yet.  The principles are true.  I’m just not consistently applying them.  (Ask my wife)

Busyness and the holidays seem to go hand-in-hand.  There is the “normal” busyness of life - work, family, home responsibilities, extended family, friends, leisure activities, and community involvement.  Then we add another layer of activities for the six weeks or so from Thanksgiving thru the New Year’s.

What is “busyness”, really?  How does it differ from just being active or doing things?

Lets look at some of the characteristics that seem to accompany a sense of being busy, and I think that will give us some insight. 

Busyness seems to go with:

• Feeling Rushed
• Having a lot to do in a short period of time.
• A general sense of pressure, even compression.
• Tenseness.
• Irritability (more for some than others).
• Things to do.
• Places to go.
• People to meet (to finish the phrase).
• Short time frames.  Activites scheduled in close succession.
• Being late (or worrying about being late).

Sounds like a fun way to live, doesn’t it?  So why do we do it ourselves?  Why (and how) do we let ourselves become so busy, even frantic, during this time of year?

I think there are 3 basic factors that lead to our busyness.

1. Opportunities. Lots of them.  There are a lot of extra things going on during the Christmas season.  School Christmas concerts.  Work-related Christmas parties.  Christmas shopping.  Kids’ basketball, volleyball, hockey, and indoor practices and games.  Extra choir practices.  Christmas pageants at church.  Ski trips and Christmas vacations.  Watching traditional Christmas movies.  Visiting relatives (both sides).  So, bottom line, there are more activities to do.
2. Expectations.  There are two primary sets of expectations: a) our own (for ourselves), and b) others’ (for us).  Both sets seem to crank up during this time of year.  As I have stated in the past, the easiest way to track expectations is through the “should’s” we hear (either in our head, or out of the mouths of others.)  “I really should go to…” or “You can’t miss…”  Expectations, generally speaking, are neither good nor bad; right nor wrong.  But some of them really are not reality-bsed - you really can’t do everything.  So you have to make choices.  The problem is: some choices lead to not meeting someone’s expectations.
3. The Experience(s) of Not Meeting Expectations.  When we don’t meet the expectations of others’, there is the risk of them having a negative reaction: hurt, disappointment, frustration, anger. [Note: they don’t have to react in those ways.  They have a choice.  They could also respond with graciousness, understanding and acceptance.]  When we don’t meet our own expectations, we tend to feel guilty, worry about “what others will think”, and sometimes beat ourselves up mentally.

Since most of us don’t like either of these experiences (others reacting negatively to us not meeting their expectations, and being hard on ourselves), we make the other choice - we try to do as much as we can to meet everyone’s (at least perceived) expections.  The result?  Busyness.

The Antidotes to Busyness.

So, is there any solution?  Or are we doomed to live frantic lives for the last six weeks of every calendar year?

I don’t think we are going to seriously reduce the number of possible activities available during this time of year, so give that option up.

One option comes from the disciple of management.  When a person or organization has limited resources, they have to prioritize. Anyone who has been in “tight” financial circumstances knows that difficult choices have to be made.  You can’t buy or do this.  We will pay this bill first and this other bill next week.  The same is true for our time and energy - when there is more to do than we have time or energy, we have to prioritize.  We pick those activities (hopefully) which are most important to us (based on our values), and decide we can’t do others.

The concept of margin also seems applicable.  Our busyness transforms into frantic and blood-pressure raising stress when we leave no margin for errror in our scheduling and planning.  When we plan to go to three Christmas parties on one Friday night, from 7 to 8:15 p.m. (30 minutes travel); 8:45 to 10 p.m. (30 minutes travel) and then 10:30 to midnight (this is obviously the schedule of a younger person!), most likely we are setting ourselves up for a stressful evening, if we really expect to keep that timeframe.  Most of us need to leave more room in our schedules for unexpected traffic, not being able to find the presents at the store as quickly as we thought, etc.

The idea of giving up comes to mind.  (I bet that phrase caught some of your attention.)  Not “giving up” in totality.  but giving up some of our expectations.  For some of us who are really social, the thought of missing a party is close to the pain of a kidney stone.  But, at some point, we need to say: “It’s not worth it.”  The busyness, the stress, the resulting irritability, the tension in my relationship with my family outweighs the fun I may have at going to three Christmas parties this weekend.  We may also need to give up some of our expectations for others - it is okay if they can’t make it to Susie’s Christmas concert (even though she has a one line solo in one song); our friendship won’t end if they can’t make it to my party; the world won’t come to an end if we open Christmas presents with the grandchildren the week after Christmas.

Finally,  pause and enjoy the moment. Instead of rushing from store to store in panic, take a minute and enjoy the cool winter sunshine, listen to the high school choir singing in the mall, stop and enjoy a glass of hot cider.  One of my biggest challenges is the tendency to be thinking ahead to the next event or activity and not fully enjoy the one I am currently attending.  When you are at a party, stop looking around to see who is there, and focus on the person you are talking to right now.  Enjoy them.  Listen to their story and laugh together.

Ok, so I have now lectured myself in addition to writing this to you.  I promise to work on these antidotes in the coming weeks (I have to start now by saying no to some of the opportunities I have before me). How about you?

We usually think of opposites in terms of a simple, “either-or” relationship — such as light and darkness, large and small, heavy and light.  And these opposites exist on a single continuum, with the opposing characteristics being on the ends of the spectrum.

But there are some relationships which are more complex, where there is more than one characteristic that can be opposite of another.  For example, in comparing a “good meal” with a bad one, there are different factors that can lead to that judgment.  The quality of the basic ingredients, the correct amount of the ingredients, combining the ingredients in the proper order and utilizing the appropriate process, the degree and duration of cooking, the temperature of the food when presented, and the combination of the various dishes prepared — all lead to the combined quality of the meal.  So a meal can be unsatisfactory because the food is too salty, the meat was overcooked and tough, the vegetables are room temperature, the baker used baking soda instead of baking powder, or you don’t especially like a spicy green salsa on your cranberry apple salad.

Similarly, it seems that there is more than one “opposite” of being thankful.  In fact, if you think of the term “opposite” being rooted in the meaning of “opposing”, the issue becomes more clear.

So, as we approach the Thanksgiving holiday, instead of the traditional approach of thinking about those things for which we are thankful (we is generally a good exercise to do), let’s look at those characteristics and attitudes which get in the way of being thankful.

• Apathy.  An “I don’t care” attitude reflects a lack of appreciation for one’s present circumstances.  Someone who is passive, has little interest or motivation in the current situation, really doesn’t understand how bad things could actually be.  (I believe apathy reflects a deeper sense of self-focus where the individual becomes passive when they can’t do what they want to.)
• Entitlement. When individuals come to believe that they deserve x, y, or z, then having that item or being able to do what they believe is their right becomes a baseline expectation for life.  And when we believe we have a right to something, we generally are not that thankful when we get it.
• Impatience.  When we are impatient (and usually, also irritable) in our current life circumstance, it follows that we are not really very thankful for the situation we find ourselves in.  Usually, we are quite focused on a very narrow aspect of the situation (being stuck in traffic and late to a meeting or event) and fail to see the positives of the broader context (having a car to travel in, living in a safe country).
• Envy.  Focusing on what others have that we don’t, or characteristics of their lives we wish were true for us lead us away from being thankful what we have and our current life circumstances. (Remember, there are 3 billion people who go to bed hungry every night.)
• Anger.  When we become angry, we essentially are saying (to ourselves and others) — “This should have (or shouldn’t have) happened ..”.  And when our expectations aren’t met, we become angry about it.  It seems to be pretty difficult to be thankful and angry at the same time, I think (try it!).
• Greed.  Have you ever been around a child who always wants more?  More toys.  More fun.  More food (to the point of excess).  They rarely seem to be thankful for what they just received or experienced, but rather quickly move on to “What’s next?”  As adults, we may have just completed a pleasurable experience, and are already looking on to the next fun thing to do.  Greed and gratefulness don’t co-exist.
• Worry. This is an interesting juxtaposition to thankfulness.  Worry and anxiety have to do with the future — x, y or z may happen; or “if Q happens, then …[some bad thing] will occur.”  It’s hard to be grateful and enjoy life when you are around someone who is anxious and worrisome.  Almost by definition, they are so focused on a possible future event, they cannot enjoy the present.

I am sure there are other characteristics and attitudes that interfere with, and oppose, being thankful. Some of the ones identified above create a sense of embarrassment for me, because they are too often true in my own daily life.  (Sorry about that to those of you who live closely with me.)

If you wouldn’t mind, take a moment and review the list.  Go slow and think about periods when you have struggled with these attitudes.  Think of specific times and circumstances. And when you are ready, choose to move on.  Resolve to battle these ways of thinking when they come up.
For some reason, there are always a few foundational things that I find myself repeatedly thankful for.  And I’d like to share some of them with you.  Those of you who have lived in more difficult times and places, or who have traveled in poorer countries, can probably identify with these relatively simple items:

• a hot shower
• a glass of clean, refreshing ice water
• air conditioning
• fresh fruit
• a warm house or a warm place to work
• a family member or friend who loves you
• pain relievers and medication
• money to be able to take care of an unexpected expense
• warm sunshine or a cool breeze
• no bugs biting me while I am in bed
• clean, dry clothes
• a variety of food to eat

I’ll stop there (although I’d love to keep going).

I hope you have a tremendous time with family and friends this coming week.  Be sure to them how much you appreciate how they have enriched your life!