Recently, I have been consulting with a variety of executives, family members, and family business owners – all in different circumstances. But I have been seeing a common theme among many of them – struggles in making difficult decisions.

In many of these situations, the individuals (who need to make the decisions) are expending a lot of time and energy worrying, fretting, and going over potential options. However, a key aspect in all of the situations is the fact that all of the individuals actually need additional information before they can really make their decision.

I “preach” repeatedly to my clients – whether they are high school students deciding on where to go to college or business owners making multimillion dollar estate planning decisions – you need data before you make decisions. It is really not a difficult concept to understand, and it is not rocket science (most of what I do in family coaching isn’t!) However, I repeatedly see individuals get “stuck” in the decision-making process, especially when they don’t have all the information they need to make an informed decision.

The “sticking point” often is this – they need to make an important decision, they don’t have all the pertinent information need, and they are not taking steps to get the information they need. I have pondered about this pattern I am seeing and have generated some hypotheses about what seems to be creating the logjam:

1. The fear of finding out information you really don’t want to know. Sometimes the data that will be obtained is potentially problematic – it will create additional challenges in the situation or it may be “bad news”.
2. Preferring not to have the information needed so you don’t have to make the decision (and implement it). Some individuals delay gathering all of the data, so they aren’t forced to make a difficult decision. Others avoid getting the information because making the decision will create a lot of work for them to do.
3. Not taking the time to think through the situation and determine what additional information is needed and where it can be obtained. Sometimes the situation is complex and there are multiple factors intertwined. Untangling the variables and determining the core issues takes time and often requires using a “sounding board” (my role, frequently) to “think through” the problem. Then, when the most critical issues are identified, a plan can be developed to gather the information lacking (for example, legal implications of a decision, or technical information from an expert).

So, if you find yourself “stuck” in making an important decision, go through these common sense steps:

• Identify the key issues that need to be considered in the decision.
• Determine whether or not you have all the needed (or preferred) information regarding these key areas.
• When you need additional data, identify potential sources for the information and assign responsibility to someone to obtain it.
• Set a target date for getting the information and choose an individual who will help you keep accountable in keeping to the time frame.
• Review the new data obtained and develop a plan for “next steps” (getting more or different information, or making the decision).

Then you will be able to “brutally confront reality” as Jim Collins and others have challenged us to do.

Due to the fact that I have worked as a psychologist and family coach over the past 20 years, I have had the privilege of observing and interacting with thousands of individuals and families. Obviously, some people are more healthy and functional than others.

And it is clear that we all have problems, so the existence or experience of having difficulties in our lives is not the factor which discriminates between individuals who are doing well in their lives and those who are having ongoing, significant challenges. In fact, one of my good friends’ favorite sayings is: “All families are dysfunctional. Some are just more dysfunctional than others.”

For those of you who have been around me for a while, or who have heard me speak, you may remember my picture of “slanted people”. These are individuals who (for whatever reason) live their lives according to a different set of rules – principles which really do not match the reality of the world And, as a result, they wind up having significant and ongoing problems in their lives – relationally, financially, and in their careers.

There are many aspects that contribute to a slanted, distorted view of life (which I will be writing more about in future entries), but the one I want to address today is:

The practice of blaming others for problems you are experiencing, rather than accepting responsibility for the choices you have made which have lead to the results you are experiencing in your life.

I see this time and time again – in individuals and families, in business, in government, in celebrities and athletes. Unfortunately, blaming others is a common course of action in our culture. But, regardless of how widespread “blaming” becomes, the practice will never lead to consistent, healthy results – whether it is in an individual’s life, the lifespan of a business, or over the course of history.In essence, when a person attempts to blame someone else (or some circumstance) for the negative results experienced, they are saying:

“It isn’t my fault.” “What happened was really out of my control.”

Blaming always starts with: “You … “ “They …” “If only, …” It only starts with an “I” statement when the “I” is followed with a “but …”, as in “Yes, I … but they ….”

There are some truly great blamers out there. They are incredibly skilled verbally (and sometimes interpersonally). They can be fascinating to watch in action, as they run circles verbally around others, and (for the moment) look like the victor in attributing the responsibility for a negative result to someone. When you are in an interaction with them, you often feel “fogged”. You thought you knew the facts going in, but now you aren’t so sure. And the interaction all happened so quickly, your head is now spinning.

However, after a little time passes and the fog lifts, you realize that you have been “spun”. And the reality remains – at least part of the situation can be attributed to actions or choices the blamer made, although they are not willing to accept any responsibility at all.

In Jim Collins’ classic, Good to Great, he addresses the same principle with regards to successful businesses. He calls it the leadership’s ability to “confront the brutal facts”. This is the ability and willingness to accept reality for what it is and then deal with it, especially in circumstances leading to failure. In fact, one of Collins’ applications is the ability to “conduct autopsies without blame” – that is, looking at a bad situation, analyzing and seeing what went wrong, without the goal of attributing blame to someone. Rather, the purpose is to learn from the series of events and decisions that led to the failure and grow from the experience.

And Dr. Henry Cloud, in his outstanding book, Integrity: the courage to meet the demands of reality, clearly defines the relationship between blame and leadership: “Leaders take ownership of the results and do not try to excuse those or blame someone else for them.” Cloud goes on to bluntly state: “Blame is the parking brake for improvement” (p.186-187). Essentially, successful leaders care less about who is at fault, and are more focused on “What can I do to correct the situation and make it work?”

There are at least two points of application here. First, I believe it is always best to look at ourselves first:

*Am I a blamer?

*Am I reluctant to accept responsibility for my choices and actions, especially when they lead to a negative result, even if it was unintentional? (As my wife gently corrected me a number of years ago, “If you step on somebody’s hand, it hurts whether you meant to do it or not.”)

*Do I try to “get out of” tight situations by making it look like it was someone else’s fault, even though I am at least partly to blame?
Secondly, are there people in my life (either family, friends, business colleagues, vendors) who create ongoing challenges in my life?

*If so, are these difficulties due to poor choices they have made?

*Does it seem that they frequently (and repeatedly) deny any responsibility for the problems they are experiencing?

If the answers are yes, I wouldn’t encourage you to “do” anything at this point. Rather, just sit back, observe for a while, and take notes. Over time, I think some possible action steps will come to mind.

This past week, two wives from two unrelated families used the exact same words to describe to me (and their husbands) a challenge they are experiencing in their homes: “Even when he is here, he is not ‘here’.” They went on to describe the phenomenon that has become a culture-wide struggle – the expansion of the world of work into our personal lives and the observation that, even though their husband may be home with the family, he frequently is not mentally or emotionally ‘present’.

[NOTE: One of the ironies of being a psychologist is the ability to observe and comment on issues I haven’t fully resolved in my own life!]

With the explosion of the use of cell phones, Blackberries (or their equivalents), and access to business email from almost anywhere, individuals can literally work 24/7 from multiple locations – home, car, airports, hotels, vacation resorts. This obviously isn’t “new” (that is, the issue has been around for several years), and the topic has been written about numerous times. A book was written in 2001 giving practical suggestions for dealing with the issue, research is being conducted on possible “techno addicts”, and the problem has even reached the legal system, where employees may be able to sue their employer for being expected to be available 24/7.

But the penetration into our society and families has become huge. The challenge has moved from early technogeeks and business executives on the cutting edge, to virtually anyone (even psychologists).

Obviously, there are many practical steps that each of us can take:

*turn off the device (e.g. during meals, after certain hours)

*structure a “no contact” time each day (“I will not be available between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m.) and each week (Saturday noon to Sunday noon).

*only check your emails one time each evening

*set a decision-making structure – that you will only accept calls or look at emails from certain individuals (hopefully, three or less people) after regular work hours.

However, it has been my experience that these strategies only work in a limited way for many businesspeople unless other issues are also addressed.

Probably the most important point to address is: what are your beliefs about your need to be available 24/7? Is it really a “requirement” by your employer? (If you are self-employed like I am, talk to your boss.) What are you afraid of missing? What is “critical” or “important” (as in, “I need to take this important call”)? What would happen if you didn’t, or if you got back to them in an hour (or tomorrow morning)?

I think, both from personal experience and from observing others, that much of the drive to be accessible 24/7 is our own desire for information, involvement and influence. It is often from a self-inflated sense of importance. And it can also be driven by fear – fear of missing an opportunity, fear of upsetting others, the fear of others “getting ahead” of us.

Much of this issue harkens back to what Stephen Covey described as the difference between what is important versus the urgent. If we are not careful, the urgent can take over our lives and leave little (or nothing) left for the important – activities such as personal time, time with family and friends, exercise, leisure.

If you are a brave soul, talk to your spouse, kids and friends, and get their feedback on how they see you functioning in this area. How much do they experience an intrusion of your electronic availability in their relationship with you?

And if you are really brave, ask them: “When I am here with you, do you feel like I am really ‘here’?”

Recently, I gave the keynote address for a group of 40-50 family-business owners. The overall topic was “Raising Healthy Children in a Financially Successful Family”. One of my main points was that parents have to invest intentional time with their children – otherwise, schedules get busy, the time goes by, and all of a sudden, your children are grown (one of the points of the recent movie, Click ).

As a result, the issue of building relationships with your son(s) came up. Actually, the point was how to build relationships with guys.

Guys – boys, teenagers, young men, and men all of ages – in our culture, tend to build relationships through “side by side” activities. Look at how businessmen build friendships. They play golf together. (In fact, in the September 30, 2006 Wall Street Journal there was a fascinating article entitled: “Kumbaya Golf: When the Guys Go all Fuzzy”(subscription link). Men go on hunting and fishing trips together. They attend football games, basketball games, hockey games and baseball games. Sometimes in pairs, sometimes in groups. Although it is not totally non-existent, most men don’t go out for a cup of coffee (or tea!) and sit across from one another and “just chat”.

So my point to parents was – if you want to build a relationship with your son, do something with him. And then talk while you are engaged in the activity together. When my sons were around (they are either out on their own or in college), we would shoot hoops, toss the football, go to games together, go hunting and fishing. Even running errands together can be good “talk time”.

For some reason, guys are willing (able?) to talk more while they are mildly distracted with something else. You can get to know a lot about a guy (whether he is your son, a business colleague, a client, or your husband) by talking while at an event together.

This may seem obvious to men, since this is the way we have been most of our lives. But sometimes it is good to state the obvious (or, as we were taught in psychology – “make the covert, overt”). Then we can use the information to our benefit.

I can tell you for certain this principle is news to most women. In fact, when discussing this issue in groups, there is often a look of surprise, nods of “aha!”, and sometimes confusion by the women. At the same time, the men are smiling, nodding vigorously, laughing, and elbowing their wives.