Having just completed the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, we now have an opportunity to do some reflecting and learning from the experiences we just had. Many extended families were able to visit one another and spend some extended time together. This opportunity can be both rewarding and frustrating (and often is both).

For many families, especially those in business together, the holidays provide an intensive experience in cross-generational relationship dynamics. Often, there is the senior generation (the patriarchs and matriarchs of the extended family, and sometimes, the founders and primary owners of the family business), the second generation (the “children” who are now adults themselves, ranging from early twenties to their forties), and the third generation (grandchildren ranging from infants to teenagers or early twenties, typically).

Points of tension arise from a number of issues:

*family members feeling “controlled” by their parents

*perceptions of “poor attitudes” among younger family members

*the extra demands placed on some family members

(food preparation, hosting visiting family members)

*relational conflicts among family members

*resentment of the imposition of “business talk” during

family gatherings and meals

*being bored or wanting to use one’s free time in another way.

Having lived through holidays as a member of all three generations, I have some observations of key issues that can make the family times less conflictual (and hopefully, more enjoyable).

First, senior generation members desire respect from younger family members. This respect is often expected through attendance at extended family gatherings. Part of this is due to the increasing value they place on “family” as they get older. Thus, not coming to the family gathering is viewed as an act of disrespect to the family and the family leadership.

Secondly, older family members tend to want appreciation for what they have done for the family (from making the meal and hosting the gathering, to their accomplishments in the business and the resulting financial benefits to the whole family). The converse of this issue is a disdain for any sense of entitlement they perceive among younger family members.

Second generation family members (adult children) also want respect, but usually from their parents. Respect for this generation is communicated by being related to as an adult, not a child. That is, not being talked to in a condescending manner, not being told what to do (as in a command), and being recognized for what they are doing in their lives (either at work, in the home, or in the community).

A second issue for adult children is that they appreciate flexibility in planning and scheduling. They have busy lives and much to manage. They have to balance demands from both their family and their spouse’s family. And they can’t control their children’s independent choices – when (or whether) they will show up, how long they will stay at the gathering, and how much they will interact will others.

Third generation family members value freedom. As is true for all of us, they appreciate choice and resent feeling controlled. Therefore, planning large family gatherings in a way that provides some options and choices (with whom they will eat, a variety of activities to do after the meal, freedom to leave early) will ease potential tensions with this group.

An important issue to understand is the additional factor of personality styles and characteristics. There are extroverts (people who like being around others, and get “energy” from being with others) and introverts (individuals who like their “space” and get drained from being with others for too long). There are leaders, doers, background supportive individuals – all types of people.

Probably the most important personality type to understand in family gatherings (especially those who have family-owned businesses) is the “D” personality type. In one personality type system, the “D” personality is described with various “D” words: dominant, driven, decision-maker, determined, dogmatic.

Many times this is the patriarch and family-business leader. Obviously, this individual has accomplished much, demands respect from others, and leads the family (and usually the family gatherings).

My experience is that this personality type creates challenges during holiday family gatherings. The senior family leader can be overly demanding and domineering, running the family gathering like a business – giving commands to others, making executive decisions without considering input from others, and being offended if they are questioned.

On the one hand, family members have to realize they cannot change others (no matter who it is). As a result, individuals have to learn how to manage their expectations and reactions to others.

On the other hand, I have found that when the patriarch/founder is able to “back off” of their business leader role and be less controlling, more relationally oriented, and generally more gracious toward others – the extended family gathering goes well.

My own personal experience enters into the issue – having grown up with a driven, Depression-era entrepreneur and then moving into the patriarch role of my own nuclear family (I’m 49 and my children range in age from 15 to 23). Although I am not always a real high D, I can be domineering and overbearing, and have to work at “backing off” — which means giving my family and kids some space, the freedom to make choices, and for them to give their input on what we will do as a family. I have had some wonderful role models of older men who lead their families, but who do so graciously rather than through an overbearing dominance. I hope to grow more into that type of leadership.

With the Thanksgiving holiday upon us, there are numerous columns and articles discussing various aspects of the holiday. I would like to take the opportunity to bring attention to the overall benefits to our lives of having a thankful attitude.

In his bestselling book, What Happy Know, Dr. Dan Baker (who is the director of the well-known treatment program at Canyon Ranch in Arizona) states that appreciation is the single most important tool in developing an enjoyable life. Additionally, social scientists who have studied the impact of stress on our lives cite a mental attitude of thankfulness as one of the best ways to manage stress.

One of the psychological phenomena I have observed over the years is the issue of comparison. We tend to compare ourselves and the state of our lives to those around us. And our sense of satisfaction often is based on our relative status (our income, size of our home, type of car we drive, where we take vacations) in comparison to our peer group. What is key in the whole process of comparison is: to whom do we compare ourselves? The interesting factor I have noted is that, for whatever reason, most people tend to compare their live situation to those individuals who are just a little better off than we are. Rarely do we really compare ourselves to those whose life circumstances are significantly better than ours. I didn’t wake up this morning concerned that my yacht is not as large as Larry Ellison’s (the founder of Oracle– he has a mammoth boat docked in Sausalito), or that my stable of polo horses aren’t as outstanding as Prince Charles’.

We also don’t tend to think about our daily lives in comparison to those who are significantly worse off than we are – the millions of AIDS orphans in Africa, the homeless poor who live in shacks in the barrios outside of Mexico City or Rio de Janeiro, or those individuals who are suffering with chronic pain.

I can’t explain this phenomenon, in either direction.

And this is part of the benefit and beauty of Thanksgiving – it is a touchstone in time that helps us to slow down, reflect on our lives, and actually see all of the blessings in our lives. For most of us who live in the United States, the following list is usually part of our daily lives:

*having plenty of food to eat each day, for every meal we want;

*having medication to treat medical conditions and to ease our physical pain.

In contrast, of the 6 billion people in the world today, 3 billion live on $2/day or less and 2 billion live on $1/day. Hundreds of millions have no opportunity to own their own property (either legally or practically) – which inhibits their ability to engage in economic activities to make their lives better (for a great discussion on this, see the book The Mystery of Capital by Hernando de Soto).

The main point is this: It is good for each of us to stop and consider the goodness in our lives. Living in a thankful, appreciative way – daily, hourly, moment by moment — can truly enhance the quality of our lives.

I would encourage each of us to use this holiday week of Thanksgiving to set aside some time, both individually and with our family and friends, and reflect on the blessings we have in our lives. And share those thoughts with others – a positive approach to live can be contagious.

And if you are moved to some action of response, write out a check to an organization that helps those in the world who are less fortunate than we are (one of my favorites is Opportunity International, who helps the poorest of the poor in developing countries by giving them small loans to develop their own businesses).

I hope you have an enjoyable week, being thankful for all of the good things in your life.

As I said in today’s earlier blog, the issue of college costs will continue to be a point of discussion. And so the evidence comes. The lead cover story for today’s (11/14/2006) USA Today addresses the need to have measurable indicators of the benefits of a college education – and the reaction to this from the educational establishment. The issue is that of trying to evaluate the comparative value of different college’s education in comparison to their costs.

U.S. Education Secretary Margaret Spellings wants students and parents to be able to compare the value of a college education and used the analogy of gathering data when shopping for a car. However, one university president bristled, stating that the value of college can’t be quantified – it is more like choosing a spouse.

Nonetheless, some interesting data is presented in the article.

*For every 100 ninth-graders in school:

There is then much data thrown around regarding:

For me, the “take away’s” are the following:

1. Let the buyer beware. You may not get what you think you are paying for.
2. Don’t base your financial decisions on the assumption that your student will complete college in four years. This is the exception rather than the rule.
3. We need to broaden our thinking about career development. The equation: “College degree = Professional career” is far from an automatic result today.

I continue to argue that the best career preparation young adults can be doing today involves working (anywhere possible), talking to professionals in areas you are interested, do volunteer work or internships in career areas you are considering. These steps will help sharpen your focus and decision-making for career direction far more than taking an introductory survey course in your field.

A very frequent topic of discussion, books and articles today is the question: “Is the cost of college worth the investment?” Often proponents cite historical data of the cumulative increase in income a college graduate earns over their career in comparison to high school graduates.

This then leads to a variety of issues addressing variations or derivatives of the global issue, such as the high cost of private colleges and arguments that state colleges are a better value, or rebuttals that private colleges provide more “value” and the real cost for graduates isn’t that different (partly because many students attending public universities take five years to complete, while private college students are more likely to complete in four years.)

Another related topic is that of debt – whether parents or students should fund college education by taking out loans. Dave Ramsey, a conservative popular financial advisor, strongly opposes this path. Others such as Eileen Gallo, who advises wealthy families, comes from a different point of view – discussing whether wealthy parents should pay for all of their students’ college education or not. And then there are the rest of us who value higher education, and are asking, not if, but: “How much debt should we (or our child) take on?”

I believe this discussion will continue for several years. And the questions are not easy to answer. The problem is: I believe, that we are asking the wrong questions (at least, initially).

Anytime a question of “value” or “worth” is being raised, there is a deeper set of questions which need to be asked (and hopefully, answered) first. Questions such as:

*What are the risks associated with the process (i.e. the process of going to college)? What are the risks associated with taking out X amount of debt to pay for their college (risks for us as parents, risks for them as a young adult)?

*How can these risks be minimized?

*Who should be involved in making these decisions?

*How will we communicate with each other (parents, student, grandparents, others) about our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, observations – especially over time as circumstances in life change?

Now, let me offer some of my thoughts and responses to some of the questions.

First, I believe using historical data from the 70’s, 80’s, & 90’s to justify investing in college today can lead to erroneous conclusions. The world has changed. A college degree no longer, in and of itself, leads to higher wages or a more successful career. Take a quick look around you and note how much college graduates are working in entry level jobs not related to their field of study. (For financial types, this is similar to using past performance of a mutual fund manager to predict future success – it really depends on the manager, the period of time you are comparing to, and other market factors.)

If the degree is from an inferior institution (on-line “buy your degree” colleges, and some community colleges) or in an area with minimally marketable skills (how about a B.A. in“general studies”?), the time and money may be wasted. There are many ways to obtain skills and knowledge today not possible in the past, (including the Internet.) I have met many young entrepreneurs who are starting their own businesses in real estate, landscaping, construction, or buying franchises, who are not college-educated but who are being trained in alternative ways.

Second, as Thomas Friedman has written in The World is Flat, one of the areas of continued need economically will be service occupations that need to be provided locally. This includes many skilled trades (electricians, plumbers, carpenters, auto mechanics, home builders) for which a college degree is not the way the profession is learned. We have a major problem in our culture in that our educational system is biased heavily toward verbal skills and processing information. But there are millions of individuals who are talented in the visual-spatial, mechanical, mathematical, musical, artistic areas that are not being trained well – and there is already a shortage of these types of professionals in our country today.

Third, it is important to note that, for many, the purpose of college is not limited to developing a marketable career skill. Many also argue that the college experience broadens the person, exposing them to different types of people, different ways of thinking, and new life experiences that will shape them for life. I personally hold to this view – and incorporate this into the “value” I believe college brings to individual’s lives. (The more cynical viewpoint is: “What do I value about college graduates over high school graduates? They are usually older.”) Others (Bob Copeland in Ten Things Employers Want You to Learn in College) have written about the life skills that can be obtained through the college education process (for example, written communication skills, the ability to work with others, asking and answering the right questions.)

Finally, probably the most important issue is the factor is that young people today know virtually nothing about the world of work. They do not know what careers are out there and have only a cursory knowledge of what a professional really does (ask them about civil engineers, occupational therapists, actuaries or an insurance adjustor). The world of education and the work of work are largely in two separate universes today. And young people have little exposure to the world of work – either by working themselves or by seeing what their parents do.

So, in my opinion, (and I will be writing more about this) if parents want to help their children succeed in finding a career they should focus more on educating them about various jobs, careers and industries, and spend less time and money on SAT/ACT preparation courses and finding the “right” college. Where one goes to college is clearly secondary decision compared to having a general sense of one’s life and career direction.

Yes, college is expensive. But to answer the “is it worth it?” question, parents and students need to think through some more foundational issues first.

This past weekend, I had the privilege of facilitating a family retreat in Northern California. I have been working with this family for a couple of years. As a result, we have done some previous communication training together on foundational issues of listening and understanding how your personality styles impact communicating with others.

So they were ready to work on some additional skills to utilize in building relationships with others. One skill set we worked on this weekend was related to ways you can assist the person with whom you are talking to better understand you.

Providing the context of your thoughts was one action we practiced. What I have found is that when we give each other the context of our thoughts – that is, the reason or purpose of our sharing — this greatly enhances others’ ability to understand us – and to do so more quickly, as well. And obviously, if we share the context prior to the start of the discussion, this is most helpful (rather than waiting to see the quizzical look on their face showing that they have no idea what we are talking about.)

One of the problems in talking together with others, is that you know “where you are coming from”, what you have been thinking about, and the purpose (in your mind) of the conversation. However, the other person often has no clue. So when you start talking, it can take the other person a while to figure out why you are sharing what you are and what you want from them in response.

So the more you can give them the context of the situation, the more likely they will understand you (with less effort on your part) and the less likely they will misinterpret what you are trying to say (and, possibly, they may be less defensive).

This approach is helpful in all types of relationships, but we will use family and personal relationship examples here. Let’s look at six different contexts for communication (the list is not meant to be exhaustive.)

Different Contexts for Communication

1. Transferring information.

“I just want to share about my day …” “I wanted to let you know that …”

The purpose is just that – to share information with you that they would like you to know. There is no response needed or expected (except that you are listening.)

2. Connecting relationally.

“I’d like to share what I have been thinking about ..”

The goal of this type of communication is often the desire that I want you to know me better. I want you to understand me. In this situation, a response is expected – that you demonstrate understanding by active listening (in some cases, paraphrasing what you have heard me say.)

3. Getting feedback.

I’d like your input on something …” “Am I thinking clearly on this? …”

There are times when we want input from others on how we are thinking and behaving. It is often helpful to get honest feedback from a friend or family member. It is critical in this situation to make sure you understand the core issue before responding. Ask clarifying questions. “So are you concerned about … or is … the issue?” Then you are ready to share your observations.

4. Asking for advice.

“I have a dilemma … What do you think I should do?”

The typical response (giving advice immediately) usually leads to problems. Rather, it is often best to gather additional information needed before responding. First, make sure you understand the situation and what part of it is of concern to them. Then ask who else they have gotten input from and what it was (or what have they already tried). This keeps your advice from getting “shot down” (“Oh, I already tried that and it didn’t work.”)

5. Making a request / Solving a Problem.

“I was wondering if you would…” “Last night, xyz happened. Could you …?

Again, it is best to clarify exactly what is desired and the goal to be achieved first (even before agreeing to help). Then define the expectations regarding responsibility and timing (who is to do what? by when?). Finally, develop an action plan together and make sure it will accomplish the desired goal.

ASIDE: There are two common problems in communication about requests. First, a number of people make indirect requests – they hint at what they want, rather than asking directly. Secondly, many guys interpret almost any sharing by another as a request for help or that they should “solve the problem”. This is frustrating for many wives (guys, reread numbers 1 & 2 above).

6. Addressing issues in your relationship.

“I’m feeling _____ with you because _____.”

Let’s face it, this type of scenario usually accompanies a “negative” feeling (hurt, angry, frustrated), and it is the type of interaction most men dread with their wives (men rarely have this type of interaction with other guys.) So, for women, my advice is: try to have as many other types of interactions as possible, and use this interaction sparingly. And for guys, try not to get defensive. Listen. Try to understand the other person’s perspective. And don’t make excuses – it won’t help (and probably isn’t true), and won’t lead the discussion anywhere good. The best response is to first make sure you understand both the feeling and the reason for the feeling. Then ask: “What would you like from me?” Then, if possible, agree to some action step in response.

So, give it a try. See if providing a little introduction or context before your interactions with others helps smooth them out and makes the communication process go better. Or if you have some other suggestions, I’d love to hear those as well.