Believe it or not, your approach to buying and giving gifts for Christmas can have a significant impact in the character development of your children and grandchildren. For wealthier families, I believe the gift giving process can affect how well the wealth transfer process in your family goes in the future. (However, the principles are applicable no matter the financial status of the family – the issues are true for lower income, middle income and wealthy families).

Essentially, ife is made up of two types of events:

*Small daily life patterns and habits

*Larger decisions and events (which often have symbolic meaning).

Christmas, and all of the family traditions which accompany it, typically falls into the latter category. A question to consider is: What will be the message communicated, directly or indirectly, through this year’s gift exchange?

In a recent NPR program, it was discussed how manufacturers are creating gifts for children and young people tat are more and more expensive — $100 is baseline, with $200-$300 not being unusual (video iPod’s, PS-III’s, wii’s).

What happens in a family (or society) where 7 to 10 year old children expect a gift (or more than one) that costs $200 or more? [To put it in perspective, that equates to over 15 hours of after-tax wages for the median income family in the U.S.]

In a related commentary, Dawn Turner Trice argues that restraint is one of the best gifts parents can give their children (through modeling) today.

My concerns have to do with the messages which can be learned (or inferred) by young people when they receive excessive gifts:

Entitlement. A foundational principle of life is that there is a relationship between responsibility and privileges. When a child repeatedly receives numerous privileges (in this case, expensive gifts or exotic vacations) without paying for any of it themselves, a sense of entitlement can develop. That is, they come to believe they deserve the privilege (and they should continue to receive more and more).

Parents and grandparents want to show their love by giving gifts that their children and grandchildren will enjoy and appreciate (I don’t think you want to give them a gift they will not enjoy and don’t appreciate). But, just like after eating too many sweets and rich desserts at a buffet, one ceases to enjoy the delicacies – so an overabundance of gifts leads to a lack of appreciation to what is received.

A focus on material possessions to bring happiness and fulfillment. In some families, the primary (or sole) focus of Christmas and family gatherings can become what cool gifts the young people will receive (ever notice how most older adults do not ask for much and are pleased with very small personal gifts?) Clearly, receiving nice gifts once or twice a year (for example, on your birthday) does not necessarily lead to a materialistic view of life. But if these are the exclusive examples of demonstrating love within a family, then material possessions can take on a great deal of meaning for individuals.

Not understanding the reality of limited resources. Another key principle in life is the understanding (and acceptance) of the fact that we all have limited resources – time, energy, and finances. In wealthy families, money can appear to be unlimited to children and young people because they never see an end of it. The family can buy virtually anything they want and do anything they please. But the fact is: even wealth is limited. Ask the Vanderbilts, who went through over $100 million (in the 1870’s!) in two generations.

[There have been a number of solid books written on the challenges of being raised in a financially wealthy home (Gallo & Gallo, Silver Spoon Kids; Minear & Proctor, Kids Who Have Too Much; Kindlon, Too Much of a Good Thing; Hausner, Children of Paradise) that provide some helpful information on these issues.]

In the family business, the sole goal becomes “making money”. Individuals who become accustomed to a high-consuming lifestyle, need lots of money. And the family business can become the mechanism to generate the desired cash flow. The problem is – the focus becomes “making money”, rather than understanding that businesses are successful when they provide quality goods and services that people desire.

Let me tell you what I believe the potential risks are to families (and family-owned businesses) if you have a pattern of giving excessive gifts (or vacations) to your children and grandchildren:

1. They will grow to not appreciate the gifts (but still expect them).

2. They will begin to seek more & more expensive gifts and/or exotic vacations to satisfy their desires.

3. They will not understand the effort and intellectual capital it took to create the wealth that bought the gifts.

4. They may begin to value you more as a reservoir of financial resources, and less as a person they want to get to know and spend time with.

5. When the time comes to distribute the family’s wealth at your death, there is a far greater likelihood of conflict, selfishness, and acrimony.

6. Their focus in business will be more on “making money” rather than providing quality goods and services – and this can lead to poor decisions and unethical practices which can kill the company.

Am I overstating the case? Am I chasing windmills? Maybe, but I don’t think so.

I would suggest that you do the following this Christmas:

a) Go ahead and give a nice gift to each person. But show restraint (whatever that may look like in your situation) and only give one big gift.

b) Consider giving a smaller but more personal gift.

c) Structure some activities or discussions around other important values:

*talk about your family’s history – your early life, your parents’ or grandparents’;

*do a small service project together;

*take time to share together as a family those parts of your life for which you are genuinely thankful;

*play games together; have fun; laugh together.

I hope you have a great Christmas. I plan to!

p.s. I will not be writing for the next two weeks. This coming week I will be in SF, running a number of family meetings which will take all of my time. I then will be on Christmas vacation with my family.

Charachter Development, Character Development, wealth transfer

Ok. We are in the holiday season. And now we will be bombarded with articles about the stress of the holidays – family gatherings, shopping, managing our finances, holiday parties and concerts to attend, traveling, and so forth. And it is true – the Christmas season and New Year’s tend to create more stress for us.

But the problem I have with many of the articles – whether they are in the newspaper, on msn.com’s homepage, in Time or USA Today, is that they are either so fluffy (“keep track of what you spend”) or they are so repetitive and vague they become meaningless.

So here is my attempt at trying to give some practical advice, and probably some you don’t usually hear.

First, let’s define stress.

Foundationally, STRESS = DEMANDS > RESOURCES.

You feel stressed when you have more to do than you have time or energy to do it. You feel stressed when you have more bills than you have money. You feel stressed when others are demanding more of you than you feel you have to give. The examples are endless.

However, the truer equation is this:

STRESS = PERCEIVED DEMANDS > PERCEIVED RESOURCES.

You may have heard, “perception is everything”. In the case of stress, this is absolutely true. What you perceive (or believe) to be the demand is what drives you (e.g. how clean the house needs to be when company comes to visit – it depends on whether it is your best friend, your boss, or your mother-in-law!)

Similarly, what resources you believe you have also are related to perception. You may think you have to clean the house. But you actually could hire someone to do it (yes, there are people who do it on a “one time” basis), but your own personal values may keep you from making this choice. So, in essence, you are choosing not to access a resource that could help you meet the demands in your life. Result = stress.

We could drive this deeper and give lots of examples, but I want to address some other related issues. But keep that equation in your head – it really helps to figure out “Why am I feeling so stressed?” The easiest way is try to track what are the “should’s” that you are feeling you need to do, and then try to determine how realistic they really are. (I give seminars on this topic for businesses and families from one to three hours long, so this is a quick introduction; feel free to see my presentation notes (pdf) for a fuller coverage).

Ok, so let’s look at some practical ways of dealing with the stress we will all be experiencing during the coming holidays.

1. Sleep. We all tend to feel more stressed when we are tired. And we live in a chronically sleep deprived society. Most of us don’t get as much sleep as we need and it creates a lot of problems in our lives.

So do yourself (and your friends, family, and employer) a favor. Go to bed. Turn off the TV. Choose to go lie in bed and not stay up to watch a movie. Shut off the computer and quit searching the ‘Net.

It is amazing that if you actually quit feeding stimuli to your brain, you go lay down in your bed and turn off the lights, you will usually go to sleep in a relatively short time – because you are tired.

2. Say “no” – to yourself, to your friends, to your family. Try it right now. Just practice. Quietly (but out loud), say “no”. See you can do it. It is physically possible. Now the trick is to do so frequently and repeatedly.

I am a high-energy, stimulation-seeking person. And I love a party. As a result, my biggest fear was that someone was having fun somewhere and I was not there to be a part of it. I used to wear myself out going places, being with people, seeking fun – and then I would get sick (as well as being stressed and irritable even if I wasn’t sick).

So I have had to learn to say “no” – largely to myself. I don’t have to go to the XYZ concert, or go see the lighting of the Christmas tree downtown, or go to the Smith’s (and the Johnson’s, and the Jones’) Christmas parties – although it might be fun to do so. The fact is: I can’t do everything that is out there and available. And neither can you. If we do, we will get tired, stressed, over-extended, and possibly sick.

For some people, saying “no” to others is the more difficult task. Saying “no” to your friends, that you can’t go out tonight to see a movie, or watch the big game on TV, or go to a great concert, or whatever it is.

For many, saying “no” to family (especially mom and dad, if they live close by) is the hardest. Sometimes this takes the form of setting limits on how long you will stay over the holidays, or whether you will come visit at all (if they live out of town). Other times, it may be saying that you will pass on a family tradition that really isn’t that important to you anymore (driving around and looking at Christmas lights, or going on your annual Christmas shopping trip).

The main point is this: just because you did ABC in the past, or just because Amy/Bob/Sue/John want you to … with them, doesn’t mean you have to this year. Make some choices for yourself this year.

Choose what you want to do (and don’t do the rest).

I would strongly encourage you, right now, to pick out some things you are not going to do this year.

3. Be thankful and enjoy each day (and moment). As I shared previously, being thankful for what you have is key to enjoying life.

Now the key to this being really helpful versus being a nice platitude is to practice it. Today, when you are done reading this, tell the first person that you know and see something positive about your life (“you know, I really enjoy the Christmas lights at this time of year”). Or share something that you appreciate that they bring to your life (“Have I ever told you how much I enjoy your smile?”). Even in a negative circumstance, choose to be thankful (“yea, this traffic sucks, but it’s nothing compared to worrying about a car bomb going off when you go shopping”).

I’m sure there is more we can do to reduce our stress during the holidays: eat less, exercise more, don’t try to impress others with your gifts, …

But let’s try these 3 steps and see how we do this year.

Remember, get some sleep. Say “no” to doing some of the extra activities available to you. And practice being thankful for many of the circumstances of your life and those around you.

Let me know how it goes.

Emotional intelligence, holiday stress, personal development, sleep deprivation, stress, Stress management