This past week I was asked to write a little piece of developing healthy relationships, for a local magazine. And I agreed to do so. After writing it (and then reading what I had written), it struck me as close to “pop psychology” as anything I have written in quite a while. Even so, the principles are true and can be beneficial, so I thought I would share a version of the article with you.

Everyone wants to have healthy, positive relationships. And yet much attention in our society seems to be focused on couples that break up or on “dysfunctional” individuals.

So it can be important and helpful to remind ourselves of those basic guiding principles that lead to healthy relationships. None of these habits are “rocket science” (in that they are not difficult concepts to understand), but they can be a challenge to live out consistently in our daily lives.

The first step is to be yourself. Being comfortable with who you are and letting other people get to know the “real” you is critical. If you try to present a certain image (which can eventually become a façade) and you keep your true self private, there is no way a significant relationship with others can develop – because they aren’t getting to know “you” – and how special you are!

Secondly, focus on your behavior, not the other person’s. Unhealthy relationships develop when people primarily are focused on the other person’s behavior – what they need to change and how they should act. This perspective almost always leads to problems. Conversely, individuals who have quality relationships with others focus on their part in the relationship and are not locked into trying to change the other person. (Remember, you really can’t change other people.) So, focus on yourself and what you can do to improve the relationship.

The third important habit is to communicate honestly and directly with those around you. One of the biggest “killers” in relationships is indirect communication – talking “through” someone else or not saying what you really mean. Dropping hints at what you want, versus asking directly what you want makes it very difficult for the other person. No one can read another person’s mind, no matter how long they have been together. Additionally, remember that honesty does not always mean being brutally honest. There are ways to deal with difficult topics in a kind and helpful way, rather than unloading all of your pent up frustration. Honesty with discretion and kindness is a great combination.

A fourth key component is to “own” your own feelings. In actuality, no one can make you feel anything. You can choose to not be offended when someone is rude to you. Our feelings are the reactions we have as a result of our expectations being met (we may feel pleased or appreciative) or not met (which can result in feelings of hurt, disappointment or anger). It is true that others’ actions impact us but ultimately how you respond to a situation is up to you. Have you ever been around a person who is cheerful even when their life’s circumstances are bad? They are choosing to respond positively. An easy way to put this into practice is to say: “I feel _____, when you ….” rather than, “You make me so _____!”

Related to this, the fifth foundational practice is the expression of appreciation to others. All of us love to hear the word, “thanks”. And communicating gratitude in ways that are meaningful to the other person is key. Try different actions: write a note; thank them verbally, spend time with them, buy a small gift, or do something for them. Whenever possible, share your love in the language that means the most to the other person.

The final skill is the ability to resolve conflicts in a non-damaging way. Conflict is a natural part of any meaningful relationship. Healthy conflict is based on the belief that both of you want the best for the relationship. Not attacking the other’s .person’s character is also critical. And learning when to take a “time out” from an argument also helps keep the interaction from getting out of control.
Try these six habits – and you’ll see your relationships flourish!!

I just received the 2007 January edition of the American Psychologist, which is the flagship journal of the American Psychological Association. This whole edition is dedicated to the topic of leadership. This fact, in and of itself, is amazing.

As Robert Sternberg, one of the foremost research psychologists on leadership states in the foreword:

“The United States became a great nation because of the leadership skills of the Founding Fathers. . . Historically, great nations have risen and later fallen in large part as a result of the success or failure of their leadership.”

“Despite its importance to the United States and the world, leadership has not been a leading topic in the field of psychology. . . leadership is scarcely to be found as a topic of research. . . Even the American Psychological Association has no journal on leadership and no division on leadership.” As a psychologist who works in the area of leadership, these are embarrassing facts to me.

Given that most of you don’t have access to this journal, I would like to share some of the insights of some of the psychologists who have studied leadership.

Warren Bennis, from the University of Southern California, writes the introduction to the whole issue in an essay entitled: “The Challenges of Leadership in the Modern World.” I am going to pull out some of the most interesting (to me) comments he makes. He states:

“[L]eadership always matters, and it has never mattered more than it does now. . . (but) psychology still does not know enough about how they develop and how they recruit and maintain their avid followers.”

“People have tried to understand leadership by attempting a kind of reverse engineering of outstanding public figures. To this day, psychologists have not sorted out which traits define leaders or whether leadership exists outside of specific situations.”

“In talking about leadership, we must ask ourselves, “Leadership for what?” . . . Any person can aspire to lead. But leadership exists only with the consensus of followers . . . (in fact, the only person who practices leadership alone in a room is the psychotic.)”

“Leadership . . . is a tripod – a leader or leaders, followers, and the common goal they want to achieve.”

“One aspect of leadership that is routinely overlooked is the extent to which it is a performance art. . . rhetoric is part of the equation. . . [Leadership also involves] media and communication. Today public leaders rarely, if ever, interact with their followers directly. They are always filtered through the media. . . We must also think about leadership in the context of globalization and instant communication.”

“After studying leadership for six decades, I am struck by how small is the body of knowledge of which I am sure. . .(but) I believe adaptive capacity or resilience is the single most important quality in a leader, or in anyone else for that matter who hopes to lead a healthy, meaningful life.”

“And I believe all exemplary leaders have six competencies:
*they create a sense of mission,
*they motivate others to join them on that mission,
*they create an adaptive social architecture for their followers,
*they generate trust and optimism,
*they develop other leaders, and
*they get results.”

“I am convinced more than ever . . . that the four most important threats facing the world today are:
(a) a nuclear or biological catastrophe, whether deliberate or accidental;
(b) a world-wide epidemic;
(c) tribalism and its cruel offspring, assimilation; and finally,
(d) the leadership of our human institutions.

Without exemplary leadership, solving the first three problems will be impossible.”

Some pretty strong comments at the end.

The remainder of the articles in the journal summarize the research in psychology on various approaches to understanding leadership, including:
*Trait-based perspectives on leadership
*The role of the situation in leadership
*Promoting more integrative strategies for leadership theory-building
*A systems model of leadership
*Asking the right questions about leadership

I am going to read through the articles this week and see if there are any valuable thoughts or research findings. If so, I will share them.

In my working with a variety of family businesses, one of the key issues to address is to develop a succession plan for the ownership of the business. That is, who will own the business in the future (and when, and how will this occur)? Obviously, the current owners want to receive fair financial remuneration and they usually want to ensure the ongoing health of the company, given that payments are set up over time.

In addition to the financial and business aspects, there are numerous family and relational issues which need to be addressed, as well. These include:

* how to be fair to all children/heirs, regardless if they work in the business or not
* can non-family executives buy part of the company?
* fears of non-family executives regarding their future
* the impact of non-working family members who become owners of the company
* conflicts and competing interests among family members.

Just like the complexity that exists in running a family business, so there are myriad interconnected issues in passing on the ownership of the business successfully.

This month I have an article addressing these issues in the Journal of Financial Planning entitled “Hidden Dragons: Handling Family Conflicts in Buy-Sell Agreements for Business Succession”. For those of you for which this is a relevant issue (whether you are an owner, a non-family manager, a family member, or a professional advisor), the article is posted on line (although the online version is a little “dry” because they don’t include the case examples).

As I work with more and more business owners, as well as meet over lunch with friends who live in the business world, an increasing complaint I hear is the inability to find good quality employees. I have heard the following statements recently:

“I am amazed at the poor quality of people who are applying for jobs. I can’t find anyone who actually wants to work.”

“I would like to find someone who understands financial statements, can use Excel, and that I don’t have to sit with to walk through projects one step at a time.”

“Most of the people I have hired in the last year have turned out to have major personal problems – they are divorced and have serious problems with their kids, they smoke and are overweight, or they have just declared bankruptcy.”

My “Soapbox”: A major challenge for businesses today is the lack of quality employees in the marketplace. And the issue is not related to a lack of knowledge or education. The problem is the lack of needed character qualities.

As a result, I believe businesses’ ability to grow and prosper will not be limited by lack of business opportunities but the inability to grow one’s business due to a lack of quality employees. We are now experiencing the long-term results of a poor educational system and the misfocus of parents on having “happy kids” rather than focusing on character development.

These issues intersect with one of my favorite books, Working with Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. (I’m currently on a theme that the best books aren’t necessarily the most recent.) Goleman states that American employers report over half of their employees lack the motivation to keep learning and improving in their job. Forty percent are not able to work cooperatively with their colleagues and less than 20% have the self-discipline to complete the requirements of their jobs.

Goleman goes on to demonstrate that intelligence (as assessed by IQ) accounts for only 4% to 25% of job success. He goes on to show the five components of emotional intelligence are far more related to career success (contributing between 50% to 75% of the variance for superior performing employees.) These five components (followed by their subcomponents) are:

Each of these skills continue to develop over our lifespan and also can be taught (and learned). If you haven’t had the privilege of reading Goleman’s book (or other good books on emotional intelligence), I would strongly encourage you to do so.

Practical applications of this issue include:

1. work on developing and growing in these areas yourself;
2. make these skills topics of conversation and focus in your family relationships;
3. use an assessment of these emotional intelligence skills in your hiring and promotion process (either informally or use some of the standardized assessment tools developed to assess emotional intelligence; [however, note the assessment of EQ is still developing and its validity is being debated among professionals.]
4. consider training your key business managers in these areas (probably through a business coach).

I am doing some informal work in this area locally – using my network of relationships to link employers with individuals seeking employment who are known to demonstrate high EQ. I am also trying to figure out a model of how to make the assessment of emotional intelligence scaleable for employers in their hiring processes. If you have thoughts, personal experience, or suggestions, I would love to hear them.

In thinking about the New Year, making goals and New Year’s resolutions, I tend to go back to those books which have impacted me over the years.  I thought I would share some gleanings from these books.

First Things First by Stephen Covey

“The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.”

“Humility truly is the mother of all virtues . . . It unleashes all other learning, all growth and process.”

“We need to be constantly asking ourselves, ‘What is needed out there, and what is my unique strength, my gift?’”

“We’re getting  more done in less time … but where are the rich relationships, the inner peace, the balance, the confidence that we’re doing what matters most and doing it well?”

“More than any other factor, vision affects the choices we make and the way we spend our time.  If our vision is limited . . . we tend to make choices based on what’s right in front of us.”

We must focus on those activities which are important, not necessarily urgent.  Examples of important but not urgent activities include:

• improving communication

• taking better care of oneself

• preparing better

• seizing new opportunities

• personal development

In Successful Intelligence by Robert Sternberg

Successfully intelligent people:

* defy negative expectations.  They do not let other people ‘s assessments stop them from achieving their goals.

* find their path and then pursue it, realizing that there will be obstacles along the way and that surmounting these obstacles is part of their challenge.

* have a “can-do” attitude.  They realize that the limits to what they can accomplish are often in what they tell themselves they cannot do, rather than in what they really cannot do.

* actively seek out role models.  They also observe people who fail, and note why they fail, and then make sure they do things differently.

Successful intelligence balances three different aspects of thinking:

- analytical thinking

- creative problem-solving

- practical application to everyday life.

“We don’t produce successfully intelligent people by coddling them – by always making things easy for them.  We produce successfully intelligent people by making some things easy and others hard and by allowing students both to capitalize on their strengths and to compensate for their weaknesses.”

“Successful people allow themselves and others to make mistakes.”

The On-Purpose Person: Making Your Life Make Sense

By Kevin McCarthy

“The man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder – a waif, a nothing, a no man.  Have a purpose in life, and, having it, throw such strength of mind and muscle into your work as God has given you.”

~Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)

* * *

I hope you find these helpful as you think through your goals for 2007.