Ok. Confession time. I am feeling overwhelmed. It seems like I have more work (and other life tasks) to do than I have time and mental (or emotional) energy. [I can hear the thoughts now: “Physician (or psychologist), heal thyself!”]

Let me explain the reasons for my current condition (from my perspective, that is; my wife will probably have other factors she would add). I believe my “overwhelmedness” is a combination of both: (a) lifestyle, and (b) a convergence of circumstances.

On the lifestyle side, I tend to run at a fast pace, pack my days and weeks quite full, and expect to get a lot done in a short period of time. So if too many unexpected challenges arise or unplanned tasks pop up, I can run short on the time and energy to complete what is before me. I have battled over the years to keep some margin in my life and schedule — sometimes I do better than others.

Add to this life pattern the fact that I have had business meetings over the past two weekends (an unusual pattern for me), and I have become overwhelmed. Weekends for me are partly for “catching up” from the week, as well as rejuvenating myself. And the fact that I had meetings over the weekends meant that I actually created more work to “catch up” from. Hence, I feel I have more to do than possible in the time allotted.

So, I thought: “Well, let’s use this as a problem-solving lesson on what you should do when you feel overwhelmed.” (I’m generally ok with a moderate amount of self-disclosure.)

First, I need to take stock and see what really needs to get done and by when. For me, it is helpful to write down all the things I think I need to do, and then to start to prioritize them (either by timeframe [today, tomorrow, this week, later] or by rank ordering).

Then I have to engage in some “self-talk”. “Ok, what really has to get done today? Why? What will happen if it doesn’t?” Often, my timeframes for getting things done are more about how I will look to others (i.e. what I think they will think of me if I don’t get it done as soon as I think I should). Usually, I am able to convince myself that not everything has to be done “right now”, and that I am going to let some items slide — for my own mental health. [For example, I am two days late in getting this posting out — which is my own timeframe; I decided no one would die if if came out late.]

With my newly re-prioritized list, I then look and see which tasks or items I could delegate to someone else, rather than do them myself. Many times there aren’t too many items I can hand off. Additionally, some of us (myself included) have the pattern of taking on too much and often look to others to “help us out”. This is ok in a work setting, if you have an administrative assistant whose job is to do these types of tasks. Both the pattern becomes problematic if we consistently overcommit ourselves and ask our spouses, family members, friends or colleagues to bail us out.

After delegating whatever I can (appropriately), it is now time to “dive in”. This means I start on the most important task and work on it until it is completed. Then I tackle the second most important task. The challenge is keeping focused, not getting distracted by minor interruptions, and working until the task is complete. Having a number of partially-completed important tasks does not bring the sense of relief and accomplishment that comes with successfully and fully completing a highly important task.

If you are truly overwhelmed (by my definition, at least), you are not going to “dig out” in one day. It is a longer term situation. Therefore, my next principle is to keep doing those things that are necessary to re-energize and rejuvenate you. Now is not the time to quit exercising. It is not the time to load yourself up with chemicals that give temporary energy or relief, but which will create a backlash (think sugar, chocolate, caffeine, alcohol). And don’t significantly reduce the amount of sleep you get. When getting caught up from being “buried”, we use a lot of mental and emotional energy. Sleep deprivation will just make matters worse. Now, realistically speaking, we may cut back on our exercise program, or work later (or get up earlier) to a degree, but the issue is one of moderation.

Two more points. First, celebrate the victories. As you knock off tasks that needed to be completed, be sure and take time to feel good about it. Take a breath, stretch and say, “OK, that one is done.” Then dive in to the next task (it generally doesn’t help the overall plan by celebrating for hours!)

Second, make decisions today that will not continue to create the overwhelmed pattern next week. Say “no”, “that will have to wait”, “I’ll have to get back to you on that one.” Probably one of my biggest problems is continuing to say “yes” or to fill my calendar, leaving little time for margin. So check yourself and make sure you aren’t putting yourself in a “repeat this bad week” mode for the future.

Finally, I have been focusing primarily on getting the tasks done. But the real cost of feeling overwhelmed is how it impacts our relationships with others. We are rushed. We don’t have time to talk. We are irritable and “short”. We become primarily self-focused on our lives and what we feel we need to get done. We are unavailable (physically and emotionally.) And although those around us who care about us are willing to “put up” with us for a while, over the long term, these characteristics can really damage the relationship. [Guilty as charged. Gotta go talk to my wife.]

This week I have been gone five days for a series of business meetings. I am writing this as I travel home to be with my family. I have been reading, and have decided to review, a book entitled, The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine. Dr. Levine is a psychologist who practices in the affluent area of Marin County, just north of San Francisco.

Ironically, I have been gone from my family for business this week and I now have to look in the mirror regarding the concerns she raises about parenting in an achievement-oriented home. Dr. Levine raises numerous valuable issues and points, but I will focus on some of the foundational issues related to parenting in the upper middle-class and affluent subcultures. (Quotes are followed by page numbers in parens.)

“Raising children has come to look more and more like a business endeavor and less and less like an endeavor of the heart.” (14) Dr. Levine cautions that more and more parents focus more on “results”, (and specifically achievement), rather than a relationship with their child.

Research is indicating a growing high at-risk group: preteens and early teens of affluent families. The incidence of depression, substance abuse, anxiety, and unhappiness is increasing at a staggering rate (20% of early teen girls are depressed.) Related to this, a subculture among affluent preteens and teens has developed which values substance abuse, rule breaking and sexual activity.

There are two primary core issues which underlie the dysfunction in this preteen and early teenage subculture:

a) the pressure to achieve, and b) isolation from parents.

Dr. Levine believes parents are “over-involved in the wrong things, and under-involved in the right things, both at the same time.” (28) She views inappropriate involvement in children’s achievement as intrusion, and an unavailability to support our children leads to isolation. “Support is about the needs of the child; intrusion is about the needs of the parent.” (12) “It is when a parent’s love is experienced as conditional on achievement that children are at risk for serious emotional problems.” (30)

“Being free enough from your own preoccupations to be attuned to the needs of your particular child is one of the greatest contributions to their healthy psychological development you can make.” (34)

Ouch. That one hits too close to home for me. I have to honestly say that often I am so preoccupied with my work that I am mentally and emotionally unavailable to both my wife and children. I need to correct that pattern in my life.

Dr. Levine then moves into a section of the book entitled Materialism: The Dark Side of Affluence. I like the way she differentiates between having significant financial resources and ‘materialism’.

“Materialism is not the same as having money. . . Materialism is a value system that emphasizes wealth, status, image, and material consumption.” “Materialism [as opposed to being wealthy].. does predict a lack of happiness and satisfaction.” (45)

Why? “When money becomes overly important, it crowds out other goals, endeavors, and interests; work, friendship, marriage, hobbies, parenting, spiritual development, and intellectual challenges can all fall by the wayside.” (47) “Materialism is about how easy it can be to choose the simple seduction of objects over the complex substance of relationships.” (48) So the focus and enamor with money, possessions, image and pleasure lead us to make choices that eventually depletes us from the more substantive, fulfilling, and lasting aspects of our lives.

The comments and observations Dr. Levine causes me to stop and reflect on my life. ‘What do I need to do differently to demonstrate to my family that I am more interested in them personally than I am about “achievement” (either theirs or my own)? I know this. I am going home and spending the evening with them – talking and listening. Any work that I could do will have to wait.

As one of my friends often says, “Life is daily.” And this is the time of year that proves the point. Mid-January, February, and March is the time of year where we often have to just “gut it out” on a daily basis. The holidays are over, most vacations are done, and now is the time to get stuff done. This is true for students, in work, in physical fitness, and all parts of our lives.

Another friend of mine has observed and commented that some people are good at the daily discipline of life, others do well in making major life decisions, while few people seem to perform well in both arenas. What does it take to do well in daily life?

I know a guy who seems to have mastered daily life. Although he is a real-life guy, we’ll call him Jerry. Jerry is a fairly bright guy, but not stellar. In college, he had to work harder than most of his peers and did so, obtaining predominately B’s, with some C’s, at a tough private college. He graduated with a degree in humanities, and later obtained a master’s degree in International Studies.

Jerry also was a decent athlete, but sort of short and stocky. He built his body up through daily discipline — running (even in subzero weather) and weightlifting regularly. He played high school football, did intramurals in college, and then continued to maintain his physical fitness through his 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. In fact, he pushed himself and successfully completed Rangers training in the Army on his first try (which is highly unusual).

In his career, Jerry did what he was supposed to (and really, beyond what was expected) on a day-to-day basis. He demonstrated personal discipline, integrity, and service to others — and as a result, he was repeatedly promoted and given more and more responsibility. Over time (in fact, several years), Jerry moved up within his organization — in fact, to become the top assistant for the general who was in charge of all NATO troops in Europe. He was invited to attend the training program for generals but declined to do so, in order to focus more on his family.

Since that point in time, Jerry has been actively involved in the lives of his children, started a business, and also is a spiritual leader within his community. Although not excessively financially wealthy, he provides for his family and has a solid marriage.

If you were to meet Jerry, you would say he is a friendly guy, and would strike you as “solid”. He is not necessarily charismatic or flashy, and many looking from the outside would not view him as excessively “successful” in the terms many define as “success” (financial wealth, fame, career advancement).

But to me, Jerry is a model. He is a man whom I want to emulate my life after — he has mastered the daily grind in multiple areas of his life.

So, for you (and for me), the question is: Where in our lives do we need to be faithful to do the daily speel? Schoolwork? Those work responsibilities which are not fun but are core to the success of your position? Physical exercise? Time with family members? Limiting financial spending and increasing saving?

So take a minute or two. Maybe review those New Year’s Resolutions you made. And determine where you want to demonstrate consistent daily discipline, which will serve as a building block for your future success. Just like Jerry.

This weekend I had the privilege of facilitating a family meeting in Northern California with a family I have known for over six years, and we had a great time together. I returned home yesterday afternoon, and as part of my recuperation and re-entry into the family process, my family and I watched a movie together last night. For those of you who have been reading for a while, you know of my penchant for animated movies, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that we enjoyed a movie from that genre’ called Ratatouille.

After enjoying the movie together, I found an interesting clip on the special features of the DVD called “A Conversation with Brad Bird and Thomas Keller”. I hit the play button and we watched an interesting interview with Brad Bird, who was the screenwriter and director of the film and a leading animation movie producer for Disney, and Thomas Keller, the famous chef of The French Laundry restaurant in Napa, CA. What followed was a discussion with each of these successful creative entrepreneurs regarding the principles that they believe have led to their success. Some the principles were overtly stated, others are observations I gleaned from the discussion.

Early work experience. Both Mr. Bird and Mr. Keller described a period of time in their childhood and teenage years where they began working in their current area of expertise. Mr. Keller worked in the kitchen of his mother’s restaurant while growing up, and Mr. Bird entered a contest for animation when he was 11 years old. He won the contest, and with it, the opportunity to work alongside the animators at Disney studios.

Mentoring. Both men indicated that a crucial factor in their professional success was the process of being mentored by their elders in the profession. Mr. Bird’s mentoring occurred naturally with his work in the Disney studios, while Mr. Keller took proactive steps to seek out and work under successful artistes in his field, initially in the N.E. United States and then in Paris.

Commitment. Each man both verbalized directly and reported life stories about the level of commitment needed to be successful. Success does not come from a “hobby” approach to one’s profession, and requires the sacrifice of long hours and focus.

Emotional connection with clients. Interesting to me was the common factor of emotional connection cited by both professionals. Getting into the mindset of one’s clients was a key process in their creation of their products. They attempted to visualize and “be with” their clients in the experience of partaking of what they had created. And they wanted their clients to feel the passion and emotion they put into their creations. (Do they teach that in MBA programs?)

Quest for perfection. Mr. Bird and Mr. Keller distinguished between “perfection” and “the quest for perfection.” They gave numerous specific examples in their work where they were “gently demanding” of those with whom they worked. They try not to be purely demanding in an ogre-like manner, but do try to push their colleagues: “That’s great! But if we just …, I think it will be even better.”

Coaching others. Within their own creative processes, it was clear that neither of these pillars within their fields see themselves as an island, or that they had created the success on their own. Rather, they understand the necessity of working with team members collaboratively, and even more so, saw the need and responsibility to coach those with whom they work. Mr. Bird stated that the goal is to “coach those beneath you to bring out their greatness.”

Work with a sense of urgency. Even though both men are artists, they clearly did not espouse a laisse faire approach to the artistic process. They communicated the need to have an atmosphere of urgency within the workplace, and that this aura actually brings energy to the creative process. In fact, at Mr. Keller’s restaurant they have a sign posted in the kitchen which says: “Sense of Urgency.”

Don’t over-control the process. When working collaboratively with a team of professionals who are talented in their own right, it is important for the creative director (or business leader) not to over control the process. Mr. Keller and Mr. Bird cited the need to ask for and listen to the input of their colleagues, realizing that they do not hold the patent on all good ideas.

Find delight in what you do. Finally, (and this was their concluding thought), to be truly successful in what you do, you must enjoy it. You must seek to create a product (or service) that delights you. When you make something that brings you pleasure, then others will find delight in it, as well.

The movie (Ratatouille) itself is fun. But the lessons and hearing the passion in these men’s voices as they share the lessons they have learned is even more valuable. Enjoy and learn!