This week I have been reflecting on the role of optimism and hope in life and business.

(These thoughts aren’t real “deep” or well-developed, but rather some initial musings.)

In the past 10+ years there has been a significant movement within psychology that focuses on the positive side of life (aptly named, positive psychology; see the work by Martin Seligman and others.) This was partly in reaction to psychology and psychiatry’s historical focus on problems — mental illness, psychiatric disorders, dysfunctional relationships, etc. But it was from the realization that a core aspect of many successful people’s lives was their positive view of life. Individuals who achieved higher levels of success in their chosen area often seemed to have a cheerful demeanor, an attitude of “looking forward” to the future (rather than a dour, pessimism) and a “let’s find the silver lining in this dark cloud” mentality and seemed to help them overcome challenges and barriers encountered. See the classic book, Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl or the movie Life is Beautiful directed by Roberto Benigni, for examples.

Optimism seems rooted in hope. Hope that circumstances will get better. Hope that your toil and sweat will pay off in the long run. Hope that something good will happen today (or tomorrow). Interestingly, hope often must exist in the face of circumstances which do not support it — bad news, pain, being wronged by others, receiving unfair treatment, things breaking, others not keeping their word, seemingly random negative events that keep happening to you.

What is the basis for hope? Some research suggests that some people seem naturally predisposed to having a more optimistic and hopeful view of life (unfortunately, we can’t choose our genetic pool.) Other research and reports from those who have lived through difficult circumstances indicate that keeping focused on the moment enables people to survive and keep going — they focus on today and what they need to do to make it to tomorrow. Within this present-orientation, having loved ones you care about, and a belief that your life is part of a larger purpose in the universe also seem to be related to maintaining an optimistic view while experiencing difficult circumstances.

How does this relate to business life? I think that optimism and hope are core components of perseverance, which we have already identified as being a key predictor of success in one’s profession. Why persevere if there is no hope of things turning out well? (I do think some people persevere just because they are tough-minded, and refuse to give up.)

Interestingly, I think “rest” is an interrelated issue to perseverance, as well. We are more tempted to give up when we are tired (emotionally and physically). Conversely, after a restful weekend, holiday or vacation, we are ready to tackle the problem again. Additionally, social support encourages us to persevere as well — working in teams together, having someone who gives you verbal encouragement to keep going, etc.

And the goal is to succeed — to reach the desired end in mind, whether that is a specific achievement (an “A” in a difficult college course, reaching your sales goal for the quarter, losing two pounds this week, etc.) or having come through a process successfully (making it through the week without losing your temper, treating your customers with integrity, to have played the game to your fullest ability and effort even if you don’t ‘win’).

Obviously, a hidden question becomes: What are my goals and are they really worth pursuing? Many “successful” individuals (in terms of wealth, influence, fame) reach their goals and thus, are “successful”, but realize upon reaching their goals that the goal was hollow, ephemeral, and didn’t bring them the fulfillment they expected.

More questions and issues than answers, but I am left with the questions:

*How can I increase my level of optimism and hope?

*What can I do to keep persevering in spite of obstacles and challenges (and weariness) encountered?

*Are the goals I am pursuing really the goals I want to achieve? (And am I missing the more important goals along the way?)

When I meet with business owners and managers, I often ask them what characteristics they look for in younger managers they are interviewing for positions. Frequently, one quality mentioned is the desire and willingness to learn.

Recently, I have had some amazing discussions with gentlemen (I use the word with its specific meaning in mind) who are older than I am (late 50’s, early 60’s to mid 70’s) who have been successful in many areas of their lives – in business or their profession, in managing their money wisely, having healthy family relationships, and a depth of spirituality.

My interactions with these individuals had a very distinct quality to them. Although highly successful themselves, they seemed keenly interested in learning from others. In the discussions I observed, they asked questions, listened, and delved deeper with follow-up questions. They appeared to have a true interest in the lives of those with whom they were conversing. And they were equally excited to share about what they were learning currently in their lives — not what they knew nor the successes they had previously experienced. Rather, they were discussing their current challenges, the mistakes they had recently made and what they were trying to learn from them.

Maybe it is obvious to others (I am often a slow learner), but the individuals from whom I want to learn , whom I want to be like, and desire to model my life after – are learners, life-long learners. They read a fair amount (not all learn via reading, though). They ask insightful questions. Their interactions with others are more focused on learning from those around them (whether they are interacting with “successful” people, young adults, teens, or children) rather than trying to impress others with their own knowledge.

But, unfortunately, in my daily life I meet and interact with a number of individuals who come across — to put it bluntly — proud and self-absorbed. They relate to others in a condescending manner and in a way that communicates they clearly view themselves as a primary source of wisdom for those around them.

I am personally challenged to reflect on my life, attitude, and interactions with others. Am I a learner? Do I approach interactions with the attitude - what can I learn from this person, regardless of their age or stage in life?

And I am reminded of a few sayings and proverbs I have heard, like:

“A person of understanding draws out the deep thoughts of others.”

“Even an idiot appears smart if he (or she) keeps quiet.”

“A person who learns from others who are wise will become wise himself, but if you hang out with idiots – watch out!! – trouble is on its way.”

From whom would you like to learn? Take the initiative and give them a call; set up a lunch or breakfast meeting (and think about some questions ahead of time you would like to ask them.)

I don’t mean to sound snub or condescending but, in a lot of ways, having healthy relationships is not that big of deal. Having positive relationships doesn’t have to be as difficult as people want to make it.
I often tell my friends (and sometimes, my clients) that the work I do is not rocket science. Helping families and business families “get along” is not that tough, from a conceptual point of view. The concepts are fairly straightforward.

But the real challenge is in the implementation — in getting individuals and families to do (regularly) those behaviors and tasks that build health in relationships, and to minimize those actions that damage relationships. And, being forthright, it is in the area of implementation that I am worth my weight in gold (ok, maybe not that much — I weigh a fair amount and gold is at $1,000 an ounce.) Probably the one thing I do best is help families do what they should being doing.

Recently, I have been working with some families who are good people, who mean well and have good intentions, but some of them do what they are supposed to occasionally, others practice positive patterns but inconsistently, and some seem afraid to do what is right (almost strictly out of the fear of conflict.)

I previously have written about the six steps to positive relationships, so I won’t repeat those principles. I have some other observations I want to share here.

First, it is amazing to me to see individuals and families who say they want to have good relationships with one another, but they seem to rarely spend any time together. This is true for parents with children living at home, adults who are brothers and sisters, or extended families. Everyone is “busy” (the apparently acceptable excuse for almost anything in our culture). Ok, so let me put it to you bluntly: If you want to have a healthy relationship with another person, it helps (a lot) to spend time with them regularly.

Time is good. But spending time together watching TV, sports on TV, or movies/DVDs is not really going to build your relationship a lot. Talking is good. Talking about something meaningful in your life is better. It is a good start to with sharing about events in your daily life. But you can go to a deeper level if you share about what you are thinking about the future or the challenges you are facing in your daily life. If you are really brave, you might venture into the area of politics, religious / spiritual beliefs, or where you think our country or the world is heading.

There are three intertwined characteristics that I repeatedly observe in healthy families. If you have one of the three, it is helpful; two of the three is really quite good; and if you are “three for three” I am convinced you and your family will enjoy each other for a long time.

Accepting differences, and understanding that disagreeing doesn’t mean someone is necessarily wrong, is a great attribute.

Being able to resolve conflicts in a non-damaging manner is huge.

Forgiving others and learning to “let go” and move on is at the heart of healthy relationships.

Look at the converse of each of these and you will see what I mean. Think about a family (or a relationship) where everyone has to be, act, think, dress or believe the same in order to be OK. Early in a family’s life, this can look ok, but the fabric quickly unravels — because people in family’s are different — they think, act, dress and value things differently. So either you learn to accept, and embrace, the value of differentness or you blow relationships apart.

One of the most common patterns I see that creates major problems in families is their unwillingness or inability to confront one another in a way that allows the relationship to continue. More frequently, families “avoid” confrontation (they don’t actually avoid it, it actually either goes underground, builds up and blows, or goes through indirect channels). Often my role is to help family members sit down and talk about concerns they have with each other and attempt to facilitate the discussion in a manner that both feel “heard” and allows the opportunity to dialogue and problem-solve about the situation. (NOTE: being ok with the other person thinking, acting or believing differently than you is key.)

Families who live without forgiving one another are filled with hurt, anger, resentment and broken relationships. Let’s face it — we all screw up (some of us more than others) and many of us have deeply hurt those close to us. Unfortunate, but true. And I don’t know of any real way someone can “make it up to” another person — either through compensatory actions, apologizing, or admitting they were wrong. The bottom line need is the ability for the offended and hurt to “let it go” and move on. Otherwise, the relationship will always be tainted by “Yea, but you …”

I’m sure there are other aspects we could add, but realistically speaking if you:

*Spend time together
*Talk about meaningful topics
*Accept the other person as being different from you (and that is ok)
*Choose to deal with conflicts constructively
*Forgive others when they hurt you

Then you are going to have a darn good relationship. Not that tough, conceptually. Living it out is a challenge, no doubt. But give it a try. You can do better than you have been, I bet. We all can.

(By the way, it won’t be that helpful to print this out or send it to someone in your family and say “Here are some things you should work on” [or some other more indirect wording]. Rather, work on yourself. That’s the place to start.)

There is an old saying, “It is good for brothers to get along”. And it is true. But one of the most frequent problems I see in my work is the challenge of brothers “getting along” in business. And the issue plays out in many different ways and settings:

*Brothers who have been working together for years (and now are in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s) and have built a successful business together, and are now in conflict about business succession issues — especially about how and whether the next generation should be involved in the business.

*Adult sons of the business founder who are working in the business, in different roles and levels of responsibility, and struggling with what is fair in compensation, power, influence and privileges.

*Adult children (for it is not always just brothers, but their sisters, too) — some of whom are in the business, some who are not directly involved in the day-to-day management — who are owners together and have significant conflict over the direction of the business and how resources should be distributed (i.e. dividend distributions, bonuses for the managing owners).

*One or more siblings who are working hard, taking their responsibilities in the business seriously, along with one sibling (usually a brother) who is “coasting” — not working very hard, not putting in the hours, not getting the job done — but who is pulling the same benefits (income, perks) and playing a lot more than his siblings. Result: plenty of resentment to go around.

There are lots of variations.

You may or may not remember that I grew up in a family owned business (a manufacturing company). I am the youngest of four sibs, and although I did not work in the business as an adult, I was an owner and on the Board. My two brothers worked in the business (as did my sister later on) and we had our own challenges — personality differences; some were owners and managers, others (me) were non-managing owners. So I speak from experience — it is good for brothers (and sisters) to get along. And it is a pain when you don’t.

You may have heard that there are two “CEO’s” in family businesses: the Chief Executive Officer, and the Chief Emotional Officer. The latter is often the matriarch in the family system (she may be the wife, mother, mother-in-law, or grandmother depending on the stage of the family). And one of the (self-imposed) roles of the Chief Emotional Officer is try to ensure that everyone in the family gets along. (Good luck!)

In fact, when identifying goals for the family and the business, the most frequent goal cited by the matriarch is either: “I just want everyone to be happy.” or “I would like everyone to get along peacefully.”

So, what is the point, practically? First, it may be helpful to recognize that conflict between brothers in business is a common occurrence. If this is your current (or past) experience, you are not alone.

Secondly, it is an important issue to pay attention to. Many successful businesses have been shipwrecked by unresolved conflicts among siblings in business together. It is to everyone’s benefit to address issues early, before they become unresolvable.

Finally, it is critical to recognize that relational issues — trust, healthy communication, acceptance of differences, resolving conflicts in a healthy way — are just as important for the long-term success of a family-owned business as are good management and execution of the business plan.

If you, or your family’s business, is struggling in this area, I’d love to help you work through the issues in a way that will bring a positive resolution. If I can help, let me know.