Well, I am just back from 2+ weeks on the road — some work related, and some family vacation. And I have been reflecting on different types of “rest” — which is a timely topic, given that most people had a holiday weekend (although I would bet, for many, it wasn’t necessarily restful), and others are looking forward to a summer vacation.

My vacation time included fighting sickness for a good part of it (starting with allergies / cold and turning into a sinus infection with sore throat, bronchial congestion and lots of coughing). And this combination of sickness and vacation led to my thinking about different kinds of rest we need and experience.

Obviously, on a daily level, we rest (or take breaks) as we go through the day and tire from our work and activities. Then at the end of the day, we rest, relax and eventually go to bed — where our night of sleep restores (hopefully) our physical, mental and emotional energy to tackle the tasks of the next day. We do this for five or six days and then have the weekend. And the weekend is supposedly designed to give us one or two days to rest and restore ourselves for the next week.

Unfortunately, many of us keep going at a fast pace (often doing “fun” things) that often wear us down. I am reminded of co-workers earlier in my life who would say they had to come back to work to recuperate from their weekend.

And then there are holidays and vacations. Holidays are typically celebrations that include family and friends, and can be fairly exhausting. Or they provide some extra time to get “caught up” on projects and tasks that we feel behind in.

Historically, for me, I have planned vacations at a full and fast pace — leave as soon as possible, return at the last moment possible and play hard in between. However, this left little margin for getting ready & packing, unpacking and doing laundry, and getting caught up on mail, email, etc. — which led to overload (not only for me, but more so for my wife). Fortunately, I have learned to back off of this some and leave some margin of time and energy on at least one end of the vacation.

What was interesting to me this vacation was the different experience I had as a result of being sick for part of my vacation. Typically, on vacation I let my mind “breathe” — I get away from work tasks, try not to think about work much, don’t do work-related reading, etc. and let my mind freewheel a bit. This seems to be restorative to me.

When we are sick, we usually need to rest as well — to let our body fight whatever infection we have, and regain physical strength drained from fighting the illness. But when I am sick and am resting (usually sleeping or sitting somewhere with a flat-line brainwave), I am not thinking at all. I may be on meds and I am just numb. And it is not restorative in the same way. I don’t feel mentally or emotionally rejuvenated, and my creative thought processes aren’t recharged.

So I was a bit disappointed, feeling somewhat robbed of the mental / emotional / creative rejuvenation I was looking forward to.

In thinking about my experience as a microcosm of what happens in other “organisms” (families, businesses, organizations), I realized that they, too, have different types of rest and restoration that occur.

When a system or organism is generally healthy, rest (vacations, corporate retreats, planning sessions) can help the organism regain strength and focus needed to take on new tasks and challenges. Healthy leadership teams can come away from an annual retreat energized with new creative ideas to take into the marketplace.

But if a group or team is not healthy — it is fighting serious internal problems and challenges, struggling to survive on a day-to-day basis — then the rest takes on a different experience and meaning. Then the time and energy is focused on just getting well. There may be a sense of relief — of taking time and energy to get “caught up” and deal with significant problems. But usually, there isn’t a looking forward to the retreat or planning session because it is problem-focused, not really being restorative or creative (who looks forward to laying in bed all day because you are sick?).

Some implications strike me for businesses, and even families who are planning to get together.

First, take a pulse of your system / organism / organization. Are you generally healthy? Or are you primarily trying to survive because of internal issues or external factors attacking you? If you are more in the sickness mode, then take steps to do what you can to get healthy. Don’t go into an annual retreat, family gathering, or planning session and act like you are going to do long term creative planning. It won’t happen until the more critical issues are addressed.

Second, if your system is doing well, then plan some time for some rest, reflection, and celebration. Don’t push your team to the limit. By planning some time to rejuvenate, you will allow the team members to become stronger, get recharged, and come up with some new creative ideas that will make the system work even better.

Generally, in the U.S., it seems we are frenetic about pursuing pleasure and leisure activities, but we are not great at pursuing restorative rest. This seems to be true at the individual level, within families, and within business as well. Think about it (it takes some free time and mental space to think about it), and see what you come up with.

Friends, after attending my son’s graduation (Nathan) from graduate school in Birmingham, AL last week, my wife, four children and I are on vacation this week in Florida. I am resting my brain up and will be writing again, either later this week or early next week.

I hope you all are safe and well.

Warmly,

Paul

Mother’s Day reflections are helpful and important, I believe, because they remind us to think about our life over a longer time frame. Most of our daily lives are just that, “daily”, and very present-focused. As a result, we tend to not pay attention to the longer trends in our lives — which includes parenting (both being “parented” and parenting our children).

So let me make one or two reflections, both from my mother as well as observations from watching my wife with our four children (now 17, 21, 25 & 25).

From my experience, mothers are:

• Self-sacrificing. Mothers give of themselves from the very state of pregnancy, through birth, infancy and nursing, on throughout their lives. Whether it is biologically-based or not, mothers seem to serve their children in a sacrificial way more than dads do. In fact, one weakness I think many mothers have is that they give too much to others and, as a result, don’t take care of themselves well.
• Able to show love in ways that are meaningful to their children. Although dads obviously love their children, we seem to be more limited in how we communicate our love to our kids (financial provision, discipline). Mothers, though, seem more versatile in their expressions of love — and seem to parallel the five love languages which have been identified: verbal praise, time, touch, gifts, acts of service. Think back to your childhood — how did your mom show you she loved you? Hugs, rubbing your back at night (touch). Telling you that you did a good job (verbal praise). Being there when you got home from school, or attending your school activities (time). Making you your favorite meal for your birthday or helping you get your big homework project done (acts of service). Knowing that you really wanted xy or z for Christmas and making sure you got it (gifts). Moms are great at showing us that they love us — and do so in different ways.
• Available and good listeners. The moms that I know and see who are “connected” with their kids (whether they are school-age, teenagers, or young adults) have a knack for being able to get their children to talk and share what is important to them. And they work at it — they know when their child is upset and also are aware when they aren’t “talking”. Listening takes time — hanging out in the kitchen, running errands together, sitting on their bed at night. And good listening requires putting problem-solving on “hold” — which is why dads typically aren’t as good listeners, we tend to move into problem-solving too quickly.

Obviously, there are lots of other characteristics mothers have, but these stick out to me.

Let me close by sharing why “mothering” is so critical (the points are valid for fathers, too.) Children learn about the world from their early life experiences, and primarily those within the family. In essence, the family is their “world” in the early years. Therefore, whatever experiences and lessons they learn within the family, they tend to generalize to life and the world, as a whole. So if parents are trustworthy (they do what they say they will), children largely believe authority figures can be trusted. When mothers care for their children, give them a sense of security and love, and respond to their needs, then children feel safe to explore the world. Obviously, Erik Erikson and others have expounded on the psychological needs of children (cf. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs).

I believe we are missing this major point in our culture today. In many ways, we have minimized and degraded the importance of parenting, and specifically mothering. Although I am well aware of the economic realities of many families, that both parents may need to work, we also must assert that it is better for a child to be cared for primarily by one of their parents (and I believe mothers are generally better nurturers than dads) in their early life, than to be in a day-care setting.

When asked by young parents on whether a mother should stay home or not, I always say: “Generally speaking, if you can make it financially, the longer you can stay home in the early years, the better. Eight weeks is minimal. Three months is better. Six months is better yet. One year, two years, three years, until kindergarten (or beyond), is incrementally better.” I know it is a sacrifice, but I believe the benefits in the mental health and well-being of the child (and the family) is worth it.

Is this a value-based decision? Yes, largely. And there are exceptions on both sides — mothers who stayed home and it wasn’t healthy for them or the child; and mothers who have worked from early on and their kids are doing great. But it is not good to make decisions based on exceptions.

Regardless, I want to emphasize — mom’s are important, they give something to us that dad’s typically can’t, and we need to give honor and respect to those women who are choosing to invest into their children’s lives (regardless of whether it is full-time or while working outside of the home.)

Earlier this week (Monday, April 27), the National Academy of Sciences released some pretty amazing research that was picked up by the New York Times and other major media.

For the first time ever, scientists have identified a cognitive training process that actually increases a person’s intelligence (aside from teaching the test items on an intelligence test!)

The training process, a structured process of improving one’s working memory, addresses the same skill set that has previously been shown to reduce the severity of symptoms for ADHD individuals.

“Working memory” is the ability to hold information mentally “online” while doing something with the information (or doing some other mental task). It is used in reading comprehension (remembering what you just read while reading the next section), math computation (especially in multiple step problems), or remembering a series of tasks to do while working on them. For IT people, it is very similar to RAM.

The research released by the National Academy of Science asserts the following. (The article is written in terms of “fluid reasoning” which is viewed as the core set of skills on which intelligence is built.)

1. Fluid reasoning is generally the ability to reason and to solve new problems independently of previously acquired knowledge.

2. Fluid reasoning is considered one of the most important factors in learning.