I have had a number of situations recently where I have been involved in family situations where two members of a couple have come from significantly different levels of financial resources.

The following are more in the category of “in process” observations — thoughts and reflections that I have that are still developing and not fully complete yet.

• Coming from different financial backgrounds is a relatively common occurance for couples.  Why?  It is really statistical in nature.  There are more individuals who come from middle, upper middle, and even fairly high income families — as opposed to the number of individuals who come from ultra high net worth families.   So there is clearly a higher probability that someone from an ultra high net worth family will find a life partner from a lower financial situation than their family’s.
• No matter how functional the individuals are, or how healthy the relationship is, there will be significant challenges experienced.  Long-term relationships are difficult.  And being (or becoming) a healthy, responsible adult is no easy task.  When individuals come from significantly different personal and family backgrounds (regardless of the types of difference — ethnic/cultural, religious, educational, SES), this creates challenges for the couple to understand each other’s perspectives and worldviews.  This, in turn, creates difficulties in communicating clearly, not jumping to incorrect assumptions, and being able to empathize with your partner.
• Relationships with in-law’s (parents-in-law, siblings-in-law) and other extended family members are the source of much of the tension experienced.  This is not to paint in-law’s or extended family members as the “bad guys” in the situation, but the fact of the matter is: expectations from your spouse’s family (and the resulting “in the middle experience” of the spouse) are the starting point for many conflicts.  Expectations about holidays, vacations, your career pathway, where you live, how you raise your kids — all are deeply rooted in one’s financial status and resources.  So when individuals within a couple come from significantly different financial backgrounds, tensions arise in these daily life decisions.
• What is “no big deal” to one person (or family) can definitely be a “big deal” to another person (or family) — and the resolution of the different perceptions has nothing to do with logic.  Family values, traditions, and ways of being have little to do with logic.  When (or whether) you open Christmas presents; how you celebrate birthdays; the amount of money you spend on clothes, fireworks, sporting events, cars or art; the need to attend a great aunt’s birthday party — none of these decisions are purely logical.  They are influenced by personal experience, family history, individual preferences and probably lots of other things.  As a result, trying to convince another person that what is important to them really isn’t that important usually doesn’t work.  The best response is to listen intently to what the other person is saying, try to understand their worldview to the best of your ability and accept (and affirm) that what is important to them is important to them (even if you don’t understand why.)

There is a lot more that could be said — and many of you just had a bunch of personal stories triggered in your memories (share them, if you wish).  Let’s stop there for now.

Have a great week!

Thanksgiving is upon us this week.  And for most Americans, that means some sort of “get together” with family or friends.  Some of us dread the time, while others anxiously look forward to it.  Regardless of your past experiences, your plans for this year and accompanying mindset, I thought I would propose some proactive steps each of us can take to help make the holiday a positive experience — both for ourselves, as well as for those with whom we will be celebrating.

Determine what is most important to you for the holiday and make choices to make this happen.   Probably one of the biggest contributors to a negative holiday experience (whether we are with others or are by ourselves) is the pattern of abdicating control over our own choices.  If you want to go shopping on Friday, make plans to make it happen.  If you want to take a walk and be by yourself for a while after the family meal, do so.  If you want to make sure and get some quality time with a family member, talk to them ahead of time and arrange it.  Be proactive versus reactive, and you are more likely to see your desires fulfilled.

Don’t try to make everyone else happy.  First, you can’t.  You know (and I know) people who are not going to be pleased no matter what.  So quit trying to make them happy.  Now, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be kind or warm toward them; but if they are determined to be sour and complaining, smile, say “It’s good to see you again” and move to to spend time with someone more enjoyable.  Secondly, there are going to be competing desires among people — some people will want to watch football, others will want everyone to play a game, and others want to leave and go home as soon as possible — not everyone’s desires will be fulfilled, and it is not your responsibility to do so.

Plan for something to go wrong.  The holiday won’t be perfect — bank on it.  Someone (or their child) will become ill and won’t be able to come.  The oven won’t turn on when it is supposed to and the turkey won’t be ready to eat at 2 p.m. as planned.  One family or family member will be exceeding late (they always are!).  The rolls will get burnt.  One of the younger cousins will get hurt while playing outside.  Something less than perfect will happen.  So, first, accept that this is the case.  Realize not everything has to be perfect for people to have an enjoyable time.  Second, roll with the punches — make adjustments, laugh about the rolls (and tell stories about similar incidents in past years), go ahead and eat and let the latecomers join in when they get there.  Don’t let small problems ruin your holiday.

Leave some margin in your schedule.  Don’t book yourself crazy solid — breakfast with your brother-in-law at 8 a.m., back home and get ready to go by 11 a.m., be at your folks’ place at noon, go to your spouse’s family (an hour away) at 4 p.m., and stay until the kids are past exhaustion.  Sounds like a recipe for stress, conflict and a kid meltdown. The key is — you will have to say “no” to someone or some activity.  You will probably have to say something like, “Mom, we can’t … this year.”  Or, “I’d really like to …. but it is just going to be too much for us to handle.”  Related to this issue of margin, don’t forget that something will go wrong and you need to have some time (or money) to handle the situation.  Don’t plan your weekend based on the assumption that everything will go just as planned.

Focus on someone else and their needs.  One of the best ways to enjoy life is to not focus on yourself so much.  The holiday isn’t all about you and what you want.  There are others — whether friends, family members or strangers — that have hurts and needs that could use a helping touch from others.  Look for someone at the family gathering who seems lonely or a little down; reach out to them, show some interest and spend some time talking with them.  Find someone who seems a little on the edge of the interactions (often it is a senior adult who can’t hear well, a teenager who really doesn’t want to be there, or a younger child who doesn’t have anyone their age to play with), see what they would like to do and try to make it happen by doing it with them.  A little kindness towards others goes a long ways to making everyone’s holiday more enjoyable.

Take (and try to keep) a positive attitude.  Hey, this isn’t World War III.  This is a holiday.  You (hopefully) have some time off of work or school.  You are going to be able to eat some really good tasting food.  There are a lot of good things in your life — safety, family, friends, health, freedom, adequate provision for your daily needs.  Enjoy the time - either by yourself or with others. Smile.  Laugh. Sigh. Rest.

Have a good one.  I’m planning on it!

Over the past several weeks I have been involved with a number of families, helping them with their philanthropic giving process.  What has been interesting is the fact that almost all of the families are at some different stage in their developmental stage of philanthropy.  Some are really just beginning, others have been “doing” philanthropy for a while but are at a new life stage in their families and having to reshape their giving process, and some are not only experienced but are providing leadership to other families and foundations.

Let me share some lessons I am gleaning from my facilitator role.

“Successful” philanthropy reflects the true, authentic character of the family.  There is a lot of discusssion within the marketplace about what “successful” philanthropy is, but from an observer’s position, it seems successful philanthropy entails actively engaged family members who enjoy the process of giving along with positively impacting people’s lives as a result of the money given — both pieces seem to be necessary.  Given this description, I see “successful philanthropy” take on many shapes and forms.  No one approach or format yields these results for families.  Rather, if a family is laissez faire and goes through life more experientially (versus planned out), their philanthropy and generosity works well in this form.  But for families who are more goal-driven, structured and need to help “move things along”, a laissez faire approach to their philanthropy would drive them mad and not be fulfilling.

Ongoing, regular two-way communication is key.  Regardless of the level of development of the family’s philanthropic process, whether it is just a couple sitting down to talk together informally; parents sharing about their giving with their adult children; or a group of adult siblings with their spouses having a formal Board meeting — if there isn’t ongoing regular communication, problems erupt.  Misunderstanding, hurt feelings and mistrust can grow over a few thousand dollars to be given or over hundreds of thousands of dollars — the amount of money is not critical.   The challenge is — regular communication takes effort and time, and a commitment to overcome the obstacles of life (busyness, interruptions, illness, unexpected demands from other commitments). Families that can meet the challenge win — the process of giving together stays healthy.

There needs to be a healthy acceptance of different levels of interest, passion, and involvement across generations.  I am asked to speak on or address (to families) the topic “How to Engage the Next Generations in Philanthropy” fairly frequently.  And the pattern which I am seeing that is yielding the most positive results is this:  a) there is a generation of the family which is interested, passionate, and involved in giving;  b) there is a desire within this generation to pass on their passion to other family members;  c) however, they understand that there are seasons of life and interest in philanthropy needs to be grown and developed over time;  d) the involved generation attempts to model and share about their giving at a level which matches the level of interest by the next generation;  and e) the involved generation continues to be involved and excited about what they are doing philanthropically regardless of the response of the next generation (that is, they don’t get discouraged, start to manipulate or place “guilt trips” on the next generation).

These are just some initial observations from recent interactions.  Being forthright, working with families and their philanthropic plans is once of the most enjoyable and rewarding aspects of my work right now.

Have a great week!

I just finished traveling from Wichita to San Francisco this Election Day and was reflecting on the stress of prior Election Nights.  So I thought I’d give a few suggestions for each of us to manage our stress successfully.

Manage your expectations.  Regardless of your political affiliation or views, it is probable that not all of your desired results will happen.  In fact, it is highly likely that you will be disappointed with some of the election results.  When this happens, your life (or even your day) probably isn’t ruined.  Realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you and want you want.

Watch the channels that are consistent with your viewpoint.  Again, it really doesn’t matter what your political position is — unless you want to become irritated, have high blood pressure, and be grumpy to those around you — choose to primarily watch those news stations that are more consistent with your views.  This should lower your agitation for the evening.

Get some exercise.  Take a walk.  Go for a run.  Go to the gym and work out on the machines (while watching the returns, if you must).  Do something physical, and this will help “wash away” those tension building chemicals in your body.

Stretch.  Getting uptight, literally does that — it makes your muscles tense up.  So instead of just sitting in the easy chair or on the couch, stretch on the floor or stand up and do some upper body stretches while watching the election returns.

Set a goal for when you want to get to bed (and possibly give yourself an extra 30-60 minutes).  Think through tomorrow, when you have to get up and what you have to accomplish.  Set a  “drop dead” time that you will get to bed by.

Realize that the impact on your life will be the same whether you find out the results at midnight, 2 a.m. or tomorrow morning.  We are addicted to “real time” news and have become accustomed to wanted to know the latest information right now.  In actuality, the impact on your life will most probably be the same if you find out the results in the morning, so don’t “kill” tomorrow by staying up too late tonight.

Provide some margin in your life and schedule tomorrow for being tired and emotinally drained.   It would be wise, if possible, not to pack your day full tomorrow and expect to be able to function at 100%.  You probably will be both physically and emotionally tired, and it would be good for you (and those around you) to plan accordingly.