A much talked about issue in the area of wealth transfer and family business succession is the desire to “transfer our values to the next generations”.  This is a valiant goal and one which should be true for every family regardless of wealth status — training your children and grandchildren in ways that they will instill values that are important to you.  Really, the heart of the matter is not just to teach them values which are important to you, but to teach them principles and ways of thinking that will help them be successful in life.

“Values”, after all, are ultimately relative — and I would argue that some values are more ‘valuable’ in life than others.  For example, the values of “appearing successful” or “having others think well of you” can actually lead to choices and patterns of behavior that can become self-destructive.  Whereas the values of “treating others with dignity” and “conducting all business matters with utmost integrity” are principles for behavior that I believe are more foundational and will lead to positive results in one’s life.

Many families are enamored with the idea of creating a list of their family’s core values and / or developing a family mission statement (most families, I believe, are interested in doing this because they’ve heard it is something they should do if they are going to be a successful family).  And I think these can be helpful action steps within the larger process of actively talking about the family’s core values. [In fact, one of the services I provide professional is to lead families through these processes.]

But a key question I ask families is: “How are values transferred to the next generations?”  The most common answer is — by observation.  And this is true.  Children and grandchildren observe older family members and take cues on how they should behave from them.  But, as I often tell parents of young children — children are excellent observers but they often are poor interpreters.  They watch us and see what we are doing, but they often misinterpret the actions and even more frequently misinterpret the purpose or reason behind the action.  As a result, learning by observation by itself is a poor teacher.

Modeling behavior (including choices made, and the values which they represent), I believe, must also be accompanied by verbal explanation — both of what we are doing and also why we are choosing this action.

We have an old family story that one of my grandmothers always cut off the end of a pot roast before putting it in the roasting pan and baking it in the oven.  When asked by her daughter why she did this, she replied: “Because you are supposed to — that is how my mother cooked her pot roast.”  She later found out that her mother cut off the end because her roasting pan was small and the typical roast would not fit in the pan!

Similarly, I believe it is critical for parents and grandparents (and aunts and uncles) to verbal communicate what is important to them and why these beliefs or principles undergird how they live life.  (On the lighter side, the holidays provide a rich opportunity for family members to ask about various family traditions — where they came from and why do we do them?)

An excellent way to share important principles and values is through storytelling.  Although listing principles in bullet form works well in articles and books, that is not typically how we talk conversationally (although some family members who are instructors may say: “Let me tell you three reasons why … First, …  Second, … and finally, ..”  But most of us don’t have to endure such mini-lectures.)

Stories are excellent communicators of values because they have several engaging characteristics:

• They are personal.
• They can be quite engaging and entertaining.
• They use real life examples to show the benefits of good choices and the consequences of poor choices.
• They (when told by a good storyteller) involve one’s thoughts, emotions, and sensations.
• They are easily remembered.

This past week our four adult children have been home for the Christmas holiday.  We have attempted to tell various stories about earlier events in our lives — to help them learn (both positively and by our mistakes) from our life experiences.  Additionally, I spent some time with my mother, who grew up during the Great Depression, and asked her to tell me lessons she learned during that time.  In addition to a few principles, she also related a variety of family stories that helped communicate some of the ways our family survived during the Depression (e.g. family members helped one another out).

Most people, when I mention the idea that they should use time together with their family to tell some stories, reply: “Oh, I’m not a good storyteller” or “I wouldn’t know what to talk about.”  So let me give you some ideas for story “starters”.  Talk about:

• Memories you have about your grandparents — things you used to do with them.
•   Character qualities or talents you remember about your parents or grandparents.
•   Something special you remember getting or doing on your birthday when you were growing up.
•   Vacations you went on as a child and any memorable events that occurred on them.
•   What Christmas was like when you were little — what were the traditions at your grandparents’ homes?
•   How you met your spouse; about your dating / courtship / engagement; the early years of your marriage — where did you live, what kind of work did you do?
•   Some jobs you had when you were younger — including positive lessons and negative experiences.
  

Another way of approaching the storytelling is to think of values and principles which are core to you, and which you believe would be valuable for your children and grandchildren by which to live their lives (honesty, hard work, frugality, kindness, humility).  Then think of a family member who embodied that value and tell your family a story about that person and how they demonstrated that characteristic.

As we complete this year and look forward to the New Year, and as you have time together with family, I’d like to encourage you to actively think how you can teach them something of value — tell them a story that will help them learn valuable ways of living.

This is the time of year when families gather together – college students are on break, young adults return home to visit, and the extended family celebrates Christmas and New Year’s together.*

So it is also the time when parents who have been successful in business turn their focus to their family. This is both a good thing and it creates difficulties. It is generally good for parents to engage relationally with their family; unfortunately, for some this is an infrequent occurrence due to their focus on work (or hobbies). But when we try to “re-enter” into the family relationally, the style and manner in which we do so can create tension, discomfort, and result in conflict.

Having grown up in a family owned business with a father who was an extremely hard worker, but who also cared about his family, we would experience this pattern. Through the year dad would work long hours, and my mom was the primary conductor of family matters. (This is not to say that he wasn’t involved at all, but until later in his business life, she had the primary responsibility of interacting with the kids regarding our daily affairs.) But around the Christmas holidays, dad would refocus and engage at a higher level in family matters. And, right or wrong, this pattern has largely continued in my own nuclear family.

So, both from observing and experiencing this pattern as a child, and now as a parent, I have seen some ways that “parent re-entry” can go better, or not so well. Let me share some of these observations.

Leading a family is different than leading a business. In business, there is a formal hierarchy with established patterns of communication and decision-making. In family matters, the structure, communication patterns and decision-making procedures are more fluid – largely influenced by which family members are involved and the specific areas of discussion or decision – and obviously, tend to be more relational. As a result, “top down” communication and decision-making that many business owners and executives try to transfer to the family doesn’t go over well (in some families, this is a extreme understatement.) The implication? Don’t try to run family meetings during the holidays like you run business meetings.

Influence is largely a factor of the quality of the relationship in families. Many parents want to utilize the time with their children and grandchildren to communicate important information – their goals and desires for the family, what is important to them, principles they want their children to live by. And this is good. However, the method by which this is done can “backfire”. If the parent does not currently have a positive relationship with the child (or whoever the family member is), the message will, at best, be ignored, and more probably may create a response of anger, resentment or disdain. I would suggest the following:

a) Spend individual time with family members. Talk with them, listen to them, ask them about their lives: what they are excited about, what they are learning, what are some challenges they are facing.

b) Share personal stories about your life. Rather than give a lecture (along with a handout) with your “five core principles for life”, share stories about experiences you have had and possibly the lessons you learned (sometimes the principles are better left unsaid). Think about what makes a good story: build the context, focus on the people involved, share sensory experiences (what it looked, sounded, smelled like), and share your thoughts and feelings throughout the experience.

c) Be aware that you may first need to rebuild relationships with others before they are going to be willing to receive input from you. If you haven’t ever read it, read The Five Love Languages by my friend, Dr. Gary Chapman. Then discuss it with the family member and see in what way love is best communicated to them. Then do it!

When planning activities for the family, give options and choices. Let the family give their input on what they would like to do and how they would like to spend the time together. Although your ideas may be great (and I am sure they are, just like mine are), they may not be what the others in your family want to do. If you want to have positive “family time”, then it makes sense that the family should be able to choose what would be fun for them.

I hope these suggestions will help your time together with your family over the holidays to be fun, positive and lead to significant interactions with those whom you love.

Merry Christmas!

Paul

*Note: This is a reprint of this posting from December 2007.  However, I received so many personal comments and emails from people who appreciated it and forwarded it to others, I decided to post it again.

Almost all of us in the United States are now starting to personally experience some aspect of the global and national economic crisis.  Whether it is through a personal or family job loss, friends and extended family members who have been laid off, a slow down in your business, or projected reduced sales for next year — the impact is now personal.  This is different than hearing it on the news or reading statistics in a publication.

I resent the frenzy and panic the media seems to want to whip up, because this type of communication doesn’t help anyone.  We need to deal with the realities of life (like Jim Collins encourages businesses to do in Good to Great), but let’s do so in a healthy manner.

So let’s talk about the thought patterns that will help us cope with the challenges and stressors we are (or will be) facing — and how to keep our mental health and hope.

• Shorten your time frame.  Regardless of the challenging issue a family, individual or business faces, one of the key aspects for managing the crisis is to keep a short time frame in mind.  Deal with what you have to today or this week.  Do not spend a lot of time thinking about (or worrying about) six months from now, or next year — largely because there are so many factors that can change between now and then, you really can’t plan that far in advance.
• Manage your cash flow.  Almost every business or family I know that has gone under financially later reports that they wish they would have made changes (e.g. “cut back”) sooner.  So it would be wise to complete an budget review, especially of unnecessary expenses, and make appropriate adjustments — this should probably include projections for income over the coming months, as this might change as well.
• Adjust your expectations.  Life’s circumstances throws us changes.  What was true six months ago for us as a country, in your business, or your family is different now.  Therefore, the goals, desires or plans you had then for the future may not fit now.  Rigidly holding onto beliefs and expectations from the past will probably create undue stress.  What is going on now may not be “fair”, but it is what it is.
• Explore options you have previously ruled out.  Many times we exclude certain options because they aren’t acceptable given the current circumstances.    But when circumstances change, previously unacceptable options may need to be reconsidered (e.g. a teenager being willing to work at part-time at a restaurant; doing tasks yourself and working later in the evening or on weekends).
• Maintain an attitude of appreciation.   We all can probably find something to complain about.  And there are lots of people and decisions who are prime targets for criticism.  But what does that really gain (except for a brief time of tension release)?  So instead of adding to the negative conversations out there, first start with remembering the things that are good in your life — and then add these to conversations.  [We had a beautiful sunrise this morning.  I appreciate having a warm house when it is cold outside.  I am thankful I have reliable transportation to get to work — and that I don’t have to commute 60+ minutes one way.]
• Keep connected socially. When people go through difficult times, one means of coping with the stress is to withdraw socially.  Generally, this is not a good long-term strategy.  Yes, we need time to ourselves and time to think things through.  But to pull back from positive, supportive relationships puts us at risk for becoming isolated, cuts us off from available resources, and we can start to get weird (we need the reality check of conversations with friends to keep our thinking straight).

I appreciate the comments of Jack DeBoer, a local successful businessman who spoke recently and said:  “You can go out and talk to people today and tell them how tough things are, how it’s tougher now, and how much tougher it’s going to get. . . Or you can go out and figure out what to do in this environment.”

I am not a major history buff, but it seems to me that a lot of people survived the Great Depression, and almost always there are opportunities to be successful in difficult times.