When I talk to parents, either in family meetings, counseling sessions, or lectures, I always describe one of the main goals of parenting is: “to raise independent functional adults”.  First, you try to keep them alive so that they will at least become an adult (e.g. avoiding fatal car accidents as teens).  Secondly, you want them to move toward independence, versus being eternally dependent on you.  And finally, you want them to be”functional” in terms of having the character qualities necessary to function in the world (learning lessons like: work comes before play; there is a relationship between responsibility and privilege; life is made of choices, with accompanying results; there are limited resources in life [time,money, energy] so you have to prioritize — “You can’t do everything.”)

As parents, there are milestones along the way that show that your kids are on the right path (graduating from high school, getting a job and paying for some of their expenses, living away from home after college).  And there are “ditches” to avoid as well — drug and alcohol addiction, serious credit card debt, inability to hold down a job over time.

Ultimately, when do you claim “victory!” as a parent?  When can you say, “I think we were pretty successful as parents”?  Being somewhat hard-nosed, but also truthful, I don’t think we really know how we did as parents until our grandchildren are young adults and displaying the characteristics we value.  That is a long time off, but just like many other areas of life, I don’t think true success can be claimed until the first generation results are replicated.

Nonetheless, I think there are times (and this is one for us), where you can at least stop, take a breath, and claim temporary victory.

My wife, Kathy, and I are in the midst of a significant life transition. For the first time in 26 years and 3 months, we don’t have any of our children living at home.  Our oldest two (twin sons, Daniel & Nathan) have both graduated from college and have been out own their own for a few years.  One is a chaplain in the Army and being deployed to Iraq in a few weeks (for 12 months).  One is involved in international medical relief work and currently is in Liberia (for just a short time).  Our third son, Joel, graduated with a degree in mechanical engineering in May and is going back for a masters degree in biomedical engineering (with a full ride scholarship and teaching assistantship position.)  And our daughter, Elizabeth, just moved into her dorm room at college, after graduating from high school this spring.

Are we proud?  Absolutely.  Is the role of parenting over and we can claim complete success?  Definitely not.  But you have to stop at some points in life and rejoice in the progress made so far.

But with the pride also comes pain.  Being successful as parents, raising “independent functional adults” (plus some other character qualities, also involves a fair amount of loss.  Let me outline some of the losses we are experiencing:

• Loss of communication. When kids move away, they aren’t there for dinner anymore (not as often, at least).  You don’t see them before they go to school, or when they come home in the evenings.  The opportunity for daily life small interactions diminishes significantly.
• Loss of connectivity.  Once they are out of the home (and gradually before then) they are living their own lives.  They have their own activities (which you generally don’t attend like you did their soccer games or school concerts).  They get to know lots of people you don’t know.  Your lives become more separate and less connected (which is good and necessary, but still hurts sometimes.)
• Loss of being needed on a daily basis.  Many parents are actively involved in their children’s lives daily for years and decades.  Moms who have the privilege of being at home with the children before the school years are especially attuned to this issue.  At different stages in life, this issue becomes more poignant — when your oldest goes to their first day of school; when each child leaves to go to college; and when your youngest moves out.
• Loss of role and identity.  Closely related to the “not being needed on a daily basis” issue, is the loss of role and identity which can also occur.  Some of us, as parents, seeing being a parent as one our primary roles and callings in life.  When the more active stage of in-home parenting is over, the question: “What do I do with my time and energy now?” can come to the forefront.
• Loss of togetherness.  As your children get older, it is tougher to get time together as a total family.  We have experienced this (this last week five of us got together for a family vacation, but Daniel couldn’t make it since he is in Liberia), but have been able to have brief flecks of time all together.  Family gatherings without everyone there is bittersweet — you enjoy the time with whoever can make it, but you also have a sense of lack of completeness when one or more are missing.

When we talk with friends whose children are younger than ours, they often say:  “I don’t know if I will be able to survive that.”  But, like lots of life, you somehow get ready for the next stage by the time you get there.  The transitions are tough, and painful (for us, at least).  But the accompanying pride, joy of seeing your children “fly” on their own, and the wonder about the opportunities before you dampen the pain somewhat.

We’ll see what’s next!

Given the multiple “hats” that I wear professionally, some people know only about certain areas of service I provide (for example, consulting with successful business families) and not with other areas (evaluating individuals with ADD / ADHD and learning difficulties).  So I thought I would share some about the ADD / ADHD side of my work.

Although many people talk about “Adult ADD”, from a professional point of view there is no “ADD” anymore.  It all falls under ADHD, even for those individuals who are not hyperactive nor excessively fidgety.  There are actually three subtypes of ADHD:

• the hyperactive - impulsive type (sort of the classic “wild boy” that many people think of when they think of “hyperactivity” — on the go non-stop, high energy, difficult to control, loud (often), accident-prone (because they move or do things before thinking about them), etc.
• the inattentive type.  This used to be called ADD without hyperactivity.  These individuals primarily have a hard time focusing, concentrating, are easily distracted, lose their train of thought.  In girls, they were sometimes referred to as “airheads” or “space cadets”.  Guys were referred to as the “absent-minded professor-type”.  These people aren’t hyper or fidgety but they lose things easily, and are pretty disorganized.
• the combined type — that has some aspects of both.  This individual could be a “full-blown” ADHD person who is hyper, impulsive and distractible.  Or they could just be inattentive, distractible and impulsive.

A key point to note is that the person does not have to be hyperactive to be ADHD.  This is often confusing to people — I frequently hear “Well, he can’t be ADHD because he isn’t hyperactive — maybe ADD, but not ADHD.”  And I understand what the parent is saying. It is just that (from a professional’s use of the term) really no one is just ADD anymore.  [But parents and teachers still frequently use the term.]

I have been evaluating individuals with ADHD for over twenty years now, and have seen 4,000 plus students (from 5 years old to senior adults).  And frequently, after evaluating a school-aged child, the parent (often the father) says — “You know, J.D. reminds me of me as a child.  I really struggled with the same issues — and still do.”   This then can lead to an evaluation of the parent and, lo and behold, they also are ADHD (research shows that about 50% of fathers of ADHD students are ADHD themselves.) So let’s talk a little about Adult ADHD and what it looks like.

1. First, it is important to note that many very successful people are ADHD.  Some of the characteristics of ADHD (high energy, being socially outgoing, a risk-taker) help individuals become successful entrepreneurs, salespersons, entertainers, athletes, and law enforcement officers.  (You don’t tend to find too many ADHD accountants or actuaries!)  But it is also important to know that these same character qualities limit these professionals success — risk-taking in moderation (with appropriate judgment, due diligence, and risk management) can be good.  But excessive risk-taking — without the necessary ability to “wait and see”, investigate further, etc. — can lead to poor decisions with damaging results.
2. Secondly, just like ADHD students vary tremendously in their individual profile of ADHD characteristics, so do ADHD adults.  Having said that, there are some common daily life symptoms:

*Great starters. Poor finishers.  ADHD adults are often imaginative and creative.  They come up with great ideas, and even start out on the new path with lots of energy.  But they quickly can become distracted, discouraged, or overwhelmed with the details to make the project work.

*Struggle with managing paperwork.  ADHD adults can do some paperwork, for a while.  But too much paperwork overwhelms them.  And they have a hard time keeping on top of a lot of paperwork over time.  They build piles on and around their desk.  And they usually need the help of a very effective adminstrative assistant (or spouse) to clean up their piles.

*Forgetful.  An ADHD adult would “forget their head if it wasn’t connected”.  They lose their keys, their wallet, their glasses, their checkbook, important paperwork, . . . One of their most used phrases is “Has anyone seen my ….?”

*Time management issues.  Some ADHD adults tend to be chronically late to appointments, not having a good sense of time.  Others, because of their struggles in this area, overcompensate and leave early for appointments — so that they won’t be late.  A large number of ADHD individuals tend to underestimate how long it takes (or will take) to complete a task — and so they are always running up against the deadline to complete the project.

*Impulsive behaviors.  Think about doing or saying things “on impulse” — and that is the struggle many ADHD adults have.  They speak they mind bluntly.  They interrupt others.  They make quick decisions without thinking through all of the issues.  They spend money quickly and easily.  They can be impatient with others (or circumstances).  They can be easily frustrated and have a quick temper (especially when they are tired, hungry or stressed.)

*Struggle with focus and concentration.  Many ADHD individuals complain about not liking to read (they rarely read the assigned books in high school or college).  They can’t remember what they just read.  Sitting through lectures is torture for them.  They can just sit and watch TV or a movie — they have to be doing something else at the same time.  They forget what they were just going to say, or why they came into the room (it is probably a different issue if you are 50+).

There are lots of other common symptoms of Adult ADHD; these are just a few, but they give you a start.  For more information go to this website on diagnosing ADHD in adults.

So what to do if you think you, your spouse, your boss or your business colleague is ADHD?

First, find out some more.  A couple of good books are Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction, written by two ADHD doc’s, Hallowell & Ratey.

Second, see what resources are available.  www.addwarehouse.com has numerous books and videotapes on Adult ADHD, including ones specifically for women.

Third, it is important to know what treatments are available.  Most people jump to the conclusion that treatment by medication is the only alternative.  Although medication can be helpful, there are other ways to help ADHD adults.  Coaching for ways to manage their primary problem areas can be effective.  Also, there is a relatively new computer-based cognitive training program that has been shown to be highly effective as well.

I could say a lot but more, but for those who really need this, I’ve already pushed the limits of their ability to focus this long.  Have a great week!

Part of my job as a psychologist is to observe — observe patterns of behavior, be attune to my own thoughts and feelings, and to derive some potentially helpful information form patterns I see. In recent months and weeks, I have observed some factors in life that really wear people down — they are not really hidden but are often subtle. Sometimes they are obvious and plain, but people (both the person experiencing the aspect of life as well as those around them) tend to minimize the impact of the issue on their life.

So let me share some of my observations (remember, psychologists are often ‘masters of the obvious’!)

• Health issues and Chronic pain. Individuals who struggle with chronic pain are well aware of how even persistent low levels of pain can wear a person down. But those of us who are blessed not to have this struggle can experience this intermittently. Not too long ago my right ankle started bothering me — it was sore and swollen after I ran (using the term “run” loosely). I ignored it for a while but it persisted, so I finally decided to go have it checked out. After seeing my doc and then getting some tests, it turns out I have partially torn a tendon in my ankle. What has amazed me, however, is how this small injury and relatively mild level of pain can take a toll of my energy.
• Financial stress. Obviously, many in our country are experiencing significant stress in their lives due to a number of economic factors — loss of their job, reduction of hours and pay, foreclosure on their home. And the impact of these events on people’s lives is huge. But many, many other Americans are experiencing a lower level of financial stress that is more under the surface — wondering if they will continue to have a job in the coming months; lower cash flow that leads to deficiencies in their plans to pay for childcare, private school or college; or the family budget just being tighter on a month to month basis.
• Loneliness or Lack of Emotional Support. A chronic complaint I hear from many people is that they don’t feel connected to anyone. Yes, they may be married and have children — and they may even have a decent marriage relationship. But most people need more than one person with whom to connect, feel cared for, and have a sense of community. Teenagers, single young adults, stay-at-home moms with preschoolers, successful business people, older adults — all talk to me about their frustration in building meaningful, lasting relationships with others in their lives.
• Significant Life Changes. Late summer is one of the most transient times of the year — children are going to new schools, young adults are entering or returning to college, individuals who work in educational settings are staring new positions, graduates from last spring are still to figure out where they are going to work and live. Parents of college freshman may experience sending their first child to college — or their last (our situation) and looking at the issues related to being “empty- nesters”. Life change can be stimulating and exciting, and at the same time anxiety-producing.
• Relational Conflicts. All of us who have experienced (or are experiencing) relational stress understand both the emotional and physical toll living in conflictual relationships take. Physical symptoms can include sleep disturbance, headaches, fatigue, upset stomach, or back and shoulder tension. Recently, I had a professional relationship that created tension and turmoil in my life — and it just wore me out. It wasn’t even a major conflict, but an issue that took a while to address, and I could sense its impact on me daily.
• Lack of Purpose or Direction. When people don’t know “where they are going”, or if they don’t see a larger purpose for their life and what they are doing, not only can they become discouraged, but they also seem to become fatigued emotionally. They just drag throughout the day, and run out of energy doing regular daily life tasks. Seeing how today relates to the “big picture” of life seems to be important.

So what should we do with these non-surprising observations? I think there are at least two practical action steps that flow from the points.

First, take a self-inventory. How many of these factors are in your life currently? Does their presence help make some sense of your recent lack of energy and tiredness? If so, acknowledge these stressors present in your life. Give yourself some slack. Regroup and assess what steps you need to take to either address the stressors or to manage your life better while they are present.

Secondly, be aware of those around you. See if the people in your life (family members, friends, co-workers, classmates) have these issues going on in their lives. Be gracious and supportive to them. Be a friend. Be patient with them if they aren’t “performing” up to their normal functioning (whether it’s at home, work or elsewhere).

Life is tough; sometimes more than other times. Hang in there. We are all in this together (we really are). If you are doing ok, help somebody else out.  It will be your turn eventually.