We usually think of opposites in terms of a simple, “either-or” relationship — such as light and darkness, large and small, heavy and light.  And these opposites exist on a single continuum, with the opposing characteristics being on the ends of the spectrum.

But there are some relationships which are more complex, where there is more than one characteristic that can be opposite of another.  For example, in comparing a “good meal” with a bad one, there are different factors that can lead to that judgment.  The quality of the basic ingredients, the correct amount of the ingredients, combining the ingredients in the proper order and utilizing the appropriate process, the degree and duration of cooking, the temperature of the food when presented, and the combination of the various dishes prepared — all lead to the combined quality of the meal.  So a meal can be unsatisfactory because the food is too salty, the meat was overcooked and tough, the vegetables are room temperature, the baker used baking soda instead of baking powder, or you don’t especially like a spicy green salsa on your cranberry apple salad.

Similarly, it seems that there is more than one “opposite” of being thankful.  In fact, if you think of the term “opposite” being rooted in the meaning of “opposing”, the issue becomes more clear.

So, as we approach the Thanksgiving holiday, instead of the traditional approach of thinking about those things for which we are thankful (we is generally a good exercise to do), let’s look at those characteristics and attitudes which get in the way of being thankful.

• Apathy.  An “I don’t care” attitude reflects a lack of appreciation for one’s present circumstances.  Someone who is passive, has little interest or motivation in the current situation, really doesn’t understand how bad things could actually be.  (I believe apathy reflects a deeper sense of self-focus where the individual becomes passive when they can’t do what they want to.)
• Entitlement. When individuals come to believe that they deserve x, y, or z, then having that item or being able to do what they believe is their right becomes a baseline expectation for life.  And when we believe we have a right to something, we generally are not that thankful when we get it.
• Impatience.  When we are impatient (and usually, also irritable) in our current life circumstance, it follows that we are not really very thankful for the situation we find ourselves in.  Usually, we are quite focused on a very narrow aspect of the situation (being stuck in traffic and late to a meeting or event) and fail to see the positives of the broader context (having a car to travel in, living in a safe country).
• Envy.  Focusing on what others have that we don’t, or characteristics of their lives we wish were true for us lead us away from being thankful what we have and our current life circumstances. (Remember, there are 3 billion people who go to bed hungry every night.)
• Anger.  When we become angry, we essentially are saying (to ourselves and others) — “This should have (or shouldn’t have) happened ..”.  And when our expectations aren’t met, we become angry about it.  It seems to be pretty difficult to be thankful and angry at the same time, I think (try it!).
• Greed.  Have you ever been around a child who always wants more?  More toys.  More fun.  More food (to the point of excess).  They rarely seem to be thankful for what they just received or experienced, but rather quickly move on to “What’s next?”  As adults, we may have just completed a pleasurable experience, and are already looking on to the next fun thing to do.  Greed and gratefulness don’t co-exist.
• Worry. This is an interesting juxtaposition to thankfulness.  Worry and anxiety have to do with the future — x, y or z may happen; or “if Q happens, then …[some bad thing] will occur.”  It’s hard to be grateful and enjoy life when you are around someone who is anxious and worrisome.  Almost by definition, they are so focused on a possible future event, they cannot enjoy the present.

I am sure there are other characteristics and attitudes that interfere with, and oppose, being thankful. Some of the ones identified above create a sense of embarrassment for me, because they are too often true in my own daily life.  (Sorry about that to those of you who live closely with me.)

If you wouldn’t mind, take a moment and review the list.  Go slow and think about periods when you have struggled with these attitudes.  Think of specific times and circumstances. And when you are ready, choose to move on.  Resolve to battle these ways of thinking when they come up.
For some reason, there are always a few foundational things that I find myself repeatedly thankful for.  And I’d like to share some of them with you.  Those of you who have lived in more difficult times and places, or who have traveled in poorer countries, can probably identify with these relatively simple items:

• a hot shower
• a glass of clean, refreshing ice water
• air conditioning
• fresh fruit
• a warm house or a warm place to work
• a family member or friend who loves you
• pain relievers and medication
• money to be able to take care of an unexpected expense
• warm sunshine or a cool breeze
• no bugs biting me while I am in bed
• clean, dry clothes
• a variety of food to eat

I’ll stop there (although I’d love to keep going).

I hope you have a tremendous time with family and friends this coming week.  Be sure to them how much you appreciate how they have enriched your life!

I started reading a good book this week — A Game Plan for Life: The Power of Mentoring by John Wooden and Don Yaeger.  It was recommended to me by a good friend, and I always try to pass on worthwhile reading to others.

The first part of the book covers the seven mentors that influenced Coach Wooden (for those of you who don’t know, he was one of the most successful college basketball coaches of all time, at UCLA). In discussing different types of mentors (professional, personal, spiritual, etc.), he makes a fascinating point:

• “I know that my life has been blessed with incredible opportunities, and as a result, I have a responsibility to reach out to others to share the insights, experiences, heartbreaks, exhilaration — all the lessons I’ve managed to accrue through the nearly one hundred years that God has given me on this planet… Knowledge is nothing unless it is shared.  I know that knowledge for knowledge’s sake is a wonderful ideal, but in reality, it is the transmission of understanding that is the very basis of civilization.” (p.7).

As I work with multi-generational families and family-owned businesses, one of the core principles we emphasize is the process of transferring knowledge, intellectual capital, and life experiences from the senior generations to their children and grandchildren. It is not an easy process — I think it is one of those “important but not urgent” activities that Stephen Covey emphasizes.  Part of my role as a family coach is to help structure activities and processes to help make the transfer happen.
And as we come upon the Thanksgiving holiday, I tend to think about how to best use our time together as a family.  What traditions do we want to keep doing?  Which traditions really aren’t that important or have lost their meaning?  What conversations do I want to have with my adult children when they are home?  What information or life experiences do I want to share with them?

Here are seven “lessons for life” that John Wooden’s father shared with him on a card given at his high school graduation:

1. Be true to yourself.
2. Make each day your masterpiece.
3. Help others.
4. Drink deeply from good books.
5. Make friendship a fine art.
6. Build a shelter against a rainy day.
7. Pray for guidance and give thanks for your blessings every day. (p.13)

Think about those who have impacted your life and the lessons you learned from them — both from direct instruction and from their modeling.

And then think about what you want to pass on to those who are important to you.  Maybe take some time and share a life experience with someone younger: “You know, I was thinking about … and a lesson I learned. . . . “

Have a great week.

Would you like to:

• remember better what you have read?
• hold onto more information in your head?
• be better at figuring out multiple-step math problems?
• remember where you place items?
• recall what you wanted to say earlier in a conversation?
• not forget what to get from a room you just went into?
• stay mentally focused better during conversations or lectures?
• not be so easily distracted by noises and actions around you?

If so, then welcome to the field of cognitive training (or “brain training”, as it is called by the popular media.)

This weekend I had the opportunity to attend a conference in Austin, Texas for a gathering of international experts (from the U.K., Sweden, Japan, Canada, and the U.S.) on one form of cognitive training — that which focuses on a core skill called working memory.

Working memory (as compared to short-term memory or long-term memory) is the ability to hold onto information while you are using it.  It is the combination of short-term memory and processing information.

So working memory is utilized when you:

• read instructions for installing a new garbage disposal in your kitchen and you try to remember the first three steps.
• are downstairs and make a list in your head of the things to remember to get from your basement.
• are running errands and you have a list of places to remember where to stop.
• try to figure out in your head what a 15-20% tip would be on a meal costing $45.00 .

This weekend we were exposed to new, and exciting research on how children’s, adolescents’ and adults’ working memory can be improved through computer-based training and its practical impact on their lives.

For example, we heard about:

  children survivors of brain tumors and leukemia. These children often lose significant cognitive, intellectual and academic abilities as a result of the chemotherapy and radiation therapy they receive.  Research being conducted at Duke University Medical Center is finding that working memory training appear to be able to reverse the losses previously experienced.

  autistic spectrum children and adolescents who also have problems with attention and poor mental focus. A multi-disciplinary outpatient treatment facility in Michigan is finding that, in addition to treatment by medication, computer-based working memory training often has positive effects on the social and emotional functioning of these students.  Parents report fewer “emotional meltdowns”, more awareness about their feelings, and better impulse control.

  elementary school ADHD students.   A group of researchers in the U.K. have found that after completing a working memory training program for five weeks, students’ academic abilities improved in reading comprehension, math reasoning, and being able to follow multiple-step classroom instructions.

Additionally, researchers are finding that:

 -working memory ability is a better predictor of academic success than students’ IQ scores.

 -deficits in working memory are highly common for children with genetic disorders.

 -traditional classroom instruction requires high levels of working memory for students.

 -students with low working memory: a) forget crucial information; and b) fail to successfully complete tasks.

To learn more about working memory, what it looks like in daily life, and to take a brief working memory assessment, go to www.aboutworkingmemory.com . 

There is a fascinating website that shares individual’s stories (preschoolers, school-age students, adolescents, and adults) who have been helped by receiving training for their working memory abilities.  And for those of you who would like to find out more about the training itself, visit www.workingmemorysolutions.com or www.cogmed.com . 

These are exciting times in the area of brain training and its impact on our daily lives!