Just some musings and observations from the past week– from the news, working with some businesses, and some reading.

It appears that the character quality of responsibility is slowly (?) disappearing from at least some parts of our culture.  It is an odd experience — on the one hand, to be dealing with businesses and managers where they are all about responsibility — both giving it and expecting it from managers, sales people, and employees at all levels.  While on the other hand, to see “leaders” (I use the term loosely) who seem to spend most of their time and effort in avoiding responsibility — making excuses, but mainly blaming others.

And what is really interesting is that many seem to be attempting to place “responsibility” on institutions (Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac), career categories (mortgage brokers, investment bankers), political parties (”its the fault of …Republicans, …Democrats”), even laws (”its due to the repeal of the … Act).  Funny.  I thought individuals made choices and complete actions.

Similarly, it appears that many of today’s leaders want to take responsibility for “fixing” other people’s mistakes (at least that is the claim on the front end of a decision to be implemented over time, with the actual results to be determined).  And even the general populace (or maybe it is the media’s presentation of the populace) seem to want someone else to fix problems.  But rarely do I hear individuals stepping up and saying, “I was wrong. . . I misjudged the situation and had an error in judgment. . . I made a mistake.”

Why is this?  Fear of being sued?  Being afraid of public embarrassment?  People not really believing they did anything wrong?

And yet in business settings in which I am working, I consistently have seen individuals who have “messed up” and who admit it, apologize, and attempt to rectify the situation.  Now, interestingly, an apparent difference is that it is clear who made the decision or committed the action.  And also, members of the system in which they function hold them accountable — and “call them” on their mistake.

So maybe one factor we need to work towards in the “public sector” (in this case, government) is to clarify when a decision is made and who is responsible.  But the challenge seems to lie in the fact that, many times, in government it takes multiple parties to make and implement a decision (the Senate, the House of Representatives, the President).  So when multiple parties are involved, does that mean no one is responsible?  Or, conversely, does it actually mean that all parties who are involved are responsible (my current position).

It is just that the juxtaposition is stark.  In small to medium businesses (I think it may be different in larger corporations), doing “business” means making and implementing decisions, taking risks, and managing the results.  And if you make a poor decision (or fail to implement a good decision), you experience the consequence.  In the public sector of government, the whole process and concept seems foreign, even counter-cultural.

For me, until the practice of being able to hold public officials (or those within large business organizations) accountable for decisions made and actions taken, I have little hope of good decisions being made and implemented (”good decisions” being ones with that have positive results).

I am open to your thoughts and comments (just click on the title of the blog and it will send you to the comment section OR go to www.drpaulwhite.com/blog and scroll down to the comment section).

I didn’t write an entry last week because I couldn’t really think of much to say. Nothing profound or new (not that my entries are typically profound.) So I decided to “think on it”.

This week, I don’t necessary have anything new (again), but I have been thinking about those situations when you don’t have much to say — and what you should do.

First, some context for those of you who don’t know me well. Historically, I have been quite outgoing, social, and rarely, if ever, at a loss for words. In the past (and still in some situations) I have been one of those people who willingly fills the void if there is any dead air space. Age, life experience (including times of making a fool of myself by talking too much) and the amount of social interaction in my work — all have caused me to slow down a bit and not be so socially hyper.

In fact, an adult friend of mine gave me some advice when I went away to college. He told me, “Paul, you are the kind of person who will jump in to every activity available, get over-involved, and burn yourself out — because you want people to like you. What you need to do is sit back for the first semester, shut up, and just watch what is going on. Then you can see what you want to get involved in and make some good choices.” Believe it or not, I attempted to follow his advice. And it was an interesting experience for me. Rather than be Mr. Outgoing, I actually took on the role of “the quiet guy” in new situations. And I watched other people make fools of themselves — and saw what I must have looked like to others.

Since then, I now “pick and choose” — sometimes I am my fun-loving, outgoing self, while other times I tend to be the “sit back and observe” guy. I actually enjoy the ability to choose which role I will take.

Here are some observations I have made, and some lessons learned.

• If you don’t have anything to say, don’t. There is an old saying which applies: “Even a fool seems wise if he doesn’t open up his mouth.” It reminds me of the movie from the 70’s “Being There” in which Peter Sellers stars as a not very bright (and even strange guy). He was primarily a gardener and butler and didn’t say much. But he would occasional utter an obtuse saying or metaphor, that others would view as quite “deep”, and he continually kept being put into higher levels of responsibility — largely because he didn’t say much.
• If you are not sure what to say, wait — leave some silence for others to speak. Many people who are more introverted need more “space” in which to engage in conversation. They need some time to process what they have heard, gather their thoughts, formulate a response, and then gather the courage to share their thoughts. Those of us who are motor-mouths go at such a fast pace in conversations (especially in small groups), that many quieter people don’t say much because there is not enough space for them in the conversation to enter in.
• Ask questions of others. The truth is: most people like to share about themselves — what they have been doing, what they are thinking about, experiences they have had. And all they need is someone to show some interest and ask them “What’s been going on?” and they are ready to share. I actually have found I get deeper and more meaningful responses when I ask different questions, like: “What is new in your life?” “What have you been learning lately?” “What’s going on that I don’t know about?” These seem to bypass the traditional small-talk responses (”Nothing.” “Not much.” “I don’t know. What about you?”)
• Sometimes “I don’t know what to say” is the most appropriate thing to say. There are difficult or awkward situations that arise occasionally, where it is really hard to know how to respond. Surprising news or decisions made, recent serious medical diagnoses or personal tragedies, or just awkward statements by others — all can put us in a position of wanting to say something but not to say something that might offend or seem inappropriate. I have found if I say “I don’t know what to say” they will continue on, give more information, and allow me time to figure out what an appropriate response is.
• If you don’t have anything to say, and you find yourself talking — stop. Okay. Sounds good.

Have a good week!

August in the Midwest is usually the “dog days of summer” — hot, intense sun, and humid.  It is uncomfortable and physically draining.  But we have had some unusual weather this past week — cool and rainy. Three solid days of rain, in fact, in a time of year that we don’t expect it.

So, as a result, I’ve had the opportunity to reflect on rainy days, how they represent other aspects of our lives, and what we can learn from them.

We are not in control of everything. There are obviously aspects of our lives that we do not control. Weather is one. Global economic forces is another. Random events of nature and the choices that others make are two others. Rainy days can help remind us of this reality.

Learning to flex with changes in circumstances is healthy. When circumstances change in our lives, we have a choice of how to respond. We can complain, get angry and frustrated. Or we can say — “okay, what do we do now?” and develop a replacement plan.

“Rainy days” (and other circumstances) give us an opportunity to slow down and rest. Many of us live at a fast pace, even overbooked. Rainy days, canceled appointments, and other events that disrupt our schedules can “force” us to slow down. And for some reason (I think it has to do with barometric pressure) rainy days are great for taking naps. Sometimes it may be better to slow down and enjoy the interruption, rather than scurry around and try to repack your schedule.

“Saving for a rainy day” is a wise thing to do. The adage that we should “save for a rainy day” came from the time when people were largely living hand-to-mouth, getting paid for a day’s work at the end of the day. However, if it was raining, they would not be needed in the fields to work; so they would not earn any money — which was often needed for food for the following day. The same principle can occur in today’s economy. Work to be done, sales orders, accounts receivable — can all go away. And if you or your business is living close to the edge, the loss of income can put you at risk. It’s best to not spend (or even reinvest) all of your income, assuming it will always be there; rather, save some for your life’s version of a rainy day.

Use the time and space to do other things that need to be done — specifically, maintenance and clean up. I remember when growing up that rainy (or cold, icy) days were a great time to go downstairs to the basement in our “working area” (where we had tools and wood projects) and clean it up. Similarly, when we have breaks in our schedule, it can be an opportunity to do some cleaning or maintenance activities (filing, lower priority emails, reading through the pile of professional magazines on your credenza) that we usually don’t get to.

If none of these responses fit, maybe you should just go outside and play in the rain. Experience it. Enjoy it. And leave the work for another day.

Endurance. Perseverance. Persistence. Patience. They are words I hear a lot when individuals who are successful in their field describe how or why they succeeded.

And yet perseverance is not a word nor a concept that we are especially drawn to. It is almost one of those characteristics that we look back on and view positively, but not one that leadership speakers frequently preach to us.

The definition is interesting to me.

“Perseverance: Steady persistence in adhering to a course of action, a belief, or a purpose; steadfastness.” Perseverance is not just blind repetitive action — doing the same thing over and over. It is tied directly to a goal, belief or purpose. We persist because we believe it is the right thing to do, or because we hope persevering will help us attain the goal we desire.

As Henry Ward Beecher differentiated, “The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t.” In other words, perseverance is goal directed and a positive attempt to achieve.

Another aspect of perseverance is that it is “daily”. Persisting on a task is not flashy nor exciting. It is both the action and result of doing the daily grind — whether that is getting up and exercising; the everyday housework tasks of laundry, dishes, cleaning up, and keeping the house running; or those tasks that make up your “job”. It is doing those daily menial tasks that make the difference between getting the job done and just thinking about it.

Dale Carnegie spoke to this aspect of perseverance:

“Don’t be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.”

Besides being goal-directed and daily, perseverance also relates to challenges and difficulties encountered. We don’t usually recount: “Yea, I persevered through the flat terrain; the cool, dry but sunny weather; and the course that was on a really smooth track.” No, perseverance has to do with persisting and enduring through difficulties. Those difficulties may be external obstacles, they may be unrealized dreams (that is, you did x, y and z and you still haven’t reached your goal), or they may be the result of weaknesses you personally have or in your plan.

Ralph Waldo Emerson proclaimed:

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.”

I think is it is interesting (and important) to look at the opposite side — what does “not persevering” look like? Giving up. Becoming weary. Losing heart. Not continuing. And sometimes — complaining, blaming, and making excuses.

I just read a fascinating book this week, recommended by my father-in-law, The War Journal of Major Damon “Rocky” Gause, about a soldier who escaped from the Japanese in the Philippines and through perseverance, luck, the help of others, and the grace of God sailed with one other companion all the way to Austrailia. What impressed me from his story was he just kept going — problem-solving, waiting when necessary, and never giving up on his goal. Never in his journal did I pick up a tone of fatalism, blaming others or making excuses for the numerous bad circumstances he encountered.

So what does this all mean to us?

First, I think a fact of life that helps us persist through difficulties is to accept that there will be difficulties. Things will go wrong. We will experience obstacles and roadblocks. Some people will be against us. Okay. So … let’s keep going.

Secondly, it seems that persevering is easier when accompanied by others — but the “right” others. Stay away from complainers. Don’t hang out with those who consistently blame others or make excuses for repeatedly not reaching their goals. They will only become weights around your neck. Conversely, find others who are like-minded, who have similar passions and goals, and who already demonstrate the daily discipline of persisting. These are the people you want on your team.

And, maybe there are a couple of other things. Re-evaluate your goals — do you really want to reach them? Re-assess your plan — is it realistic? And read about others who have persevered through great difficulties to reach their goals as an encouragement for you to hang in there.

Have a great week — and hang in there!

Recently, my wife and I have had a couple of experiences together on which we both commented to one another.

One experience was actually two separate events that were similar and which occurred close together. As a family, we enjoy music and frequently go to music events of various kinds — concerts by professionals, school concerts, musical theatre productions, and free community events (e.g. concerts in a park). This summer we had the opportunity to go to a couple of professional productions and were able to take along some younger friends of ours and our family. The evenings went well and we drove everyone to and from the events. Now, we don’t invite or take others along in order to be thought well of, to receive praise, or to be viewed as magnaminous — we like to share the opportunity with friends who will enjoy the event but may not be able to go regularly. But both Kathy and I were struck by the apparent lack of appreciation (or at least, the lack of communicated appreciation) by the young friends who went with us. There was a casual, “Thanks!” as they got out and shut the door, along with a “See you tomorrow!”

This is in sharp contrast to another experience we had recently. A group of young single adults asked us to have a party at our place (we were pleased they felt comfortable to ask us) — and so we had a combination “hang out”, croquet, volleyball and outdoor movie night (we hung a cord between trees and hung a sheet as our movie screen). The evening turned out to be a lot of fun and we didn’t do much — they did most of the setup and all of the clean-up. So it was really no big deal for Kathy and I — it wasn’t costly in time or other resources. But the continual, repeated thanks we received from numerous members of the group has been almost overwhelming. Not only that night, but several times since, a number of individuals have gone out of their way to express appreciation to us. Again, we didn’t host the party in order to “look good”, or receive kudo’s. But the thankfulness and gratitude was encouraging to us — and in stark contrast to our other experiences.

Now the first group of individuals may be appreciative but as G.B. Stern has said, “Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone.” And I found an Estonian proverb (do you know where Estonia is?) that states: “Who does not thank for little will not thank for much.”

As I work with financially successful families, one of the repetitive concerns voiced by the senior generation is that they don’t want their children or grandchildren to develop an attitude of entitlement. And I can honestly say that the amount of wealth a family has is not the best predictor of the next generation’s attitude — either of gratitude or entitlement. I work with some extremely wealthy ($50M and above) whose children are grateful for the little (and big) things their parents do for them (I know some young adults in families in the same range of wealth that don’t seem to have a clue about being thankful.) And I have worked with children, teens and young adults of a wide range of socioeconomic status who consistently whine, seem to always want more, and who do not seem to appreciate the sacrifices their parents (or grandparents) make for them. Sadly, this latter group also seems to have a hard time enjoying life.

So the point?

First, it never hurts to be reminded to not only be thankful for all the good things in our lives, but also to communicate thanks to others. There probably is a point where you can be overly grateful, but most of us are a long ways from that point.

Secondly, if you are a parent (even of young adult children), I would encourage you to reaffirm the importance of communicating appreciation to those who do something or give something to us. This can be done in many ways — a phone call, a hand-written note, an email, a “thanks for ..” the next time you see the person. And, as a parent, you may need to help structure the action (help them find a time and place to actually “do it”).

I know Kathy and I have been encouraged by some simple “thanks” this week. Hopefully, we can send a wave of encouragement to others in our lives, as well.

I have observed a common pattern across many areas that I work (and live) — people avoiding dealing with tense or conflictual situations in their relationships with others. And almost always, not dealing with the situation creates additional problems or makes the conflict larger and more intense (often involving more people than were originally involved).

And it happens it lots of settings:

• in family businesses, between family members working together
• in office settings, between coworkers who can’t get a long
• in marriages, between spouses
• in extended families, between parents-in-law and their children’s spouse
• in schools, between teachers and parents of the students
• in wealthy families, between siblings who are inheriting wealth
• and on and on.

Now, I am not going to try to address all the issues relevant to conflict in relationships, that would require a book (or two). But let’s look at some core concepts.

First, why do people often try to avoid conflict? I think there are lots of potential reasons, but let’s identify a few.

1. Many people do not like emotionally-charged situations, and they feel if they raise the issue underlying the conflict, emotions will get out of control.
2. Most people don’t like others to act or communicate in an angry way towards them, and will almost anything to avoid this type of interchange.
3. Some individuals believe that, in conflict, someone must either “be wrong” or have done something wrong, and they don’t want to be accused of this.
4. Most of us, when we have done something wrong, don’t like admitting it or apologizing for our error.

The problem is — not dealing with conflict in a situation doesn’t make it go away. In fact, frequently, things get worse. When there is tension between two people, or when there is a relational break (that is, the two people are not communicating much at all, if any) — not dealing with the issue creates additional problems, including:

• Others notice the tension and it makes them feel uncomfortable.
• Communication between the two individuals becomes minimal and ineffective.
• Other people get pulled into the conflict, and often begin to “take sides”.
• The people involved in the conflict experience a lot more emotional tension in their lives, with their emotions “building up”, and often spilling over into other areas of their lives.
• The relationship becomes more and more distant, sometimes to the point of total cut-off between the two parties.

Now, I am not suggesting, that if you are in the midst of a conflict in one of your relationships, you should run out and “deal with it”. Why? Because most people who have the habit of avoiding conflict don’t have very good success at resolving conflictual situations on their own — they don’t haven’t been practicing how to deal with conflict in their daily lives (we all have it, you know), they have misbeliefs about what should be done (”we just need to sit down and talk it out”), and they may not have the skills to deal with the situation effectively.

So what should you do?

First, take stock of your relationships and see if there are any that currently have significant tension or conflict that is getting in the way. Admit to yourself that there is a relationship that needs attention.

Second, observe how the tension in your relationship is affecting your life and those around you. For you to seriously consider dealing with the situation, you are probably going to need to be convinced that the conflict is creating problems in your life. You may want to ask those close to you in the situation (coworkers, family members) how the tension affects them (don’t ask it in a way where you are looking for support for your position in the conflict).

If possible, seek some help from someone who can help you deal with the conflict in the relationship in a positive way. Get some counsel from someone you admire and observe that they seem to be able to address relational tensions in their lives in a healthy way. Sometimes it may be beneficial to talk to a professional counselor, business coach, or facilitator — to help you and the other person meet together to resolve the issues creating the conflict.

Do some reading that can help you grow in dealing with conflicts in your life. Whatever the conflict you are currently experiencing, if you are a habitual “conflict avoider”, be assured this will not be the last difficult relational situation you have to deal with — there will be more. So it would be wise to start to grow in your ability to deal with tensions in relationships in a healthy way. There is a great book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most that a number of my clients have found to be quite helpful in guiding them through tough conversations they needed to have with someone in their life. Additionally, Lewis Smedes has written an excellent book, The Art of Forgiving, that is also extremely helpful.

I have conflict in relationships in my life (just ask those close to me), and I am still learning how to deal with those tensions in a healthier manner — I think we all can. Let’s just commit together to not let tensions in relationships fester to the point where they poison our lives — it will make all of our lives healthier.

On this Father’s Day, I thought I would reflect some on the lessons I learned from my grandfathers.

My Grandpa White was the only child in his family and his father died when my grandpa was 16 years old. As a result, he became in charge of the small family farm and the “man of the house” at that young age. I heard stories growing up how my grandfather was a creative problem-solver. For example, he set up a water supply system from the spring on the farm to a storage tank in the farmhouse. He also was frugal, but figured out how to get what the family needed with the limited money they had — he would buy slightly damaged apples at the general store (and cut out the bad spots) for a significant discount.

My Grandpa White lived closed by our home and I spent a fair amount of time with him while growing up (I was the youngest grandchild, however, and he died when I was in high school). Some of things I remember about him and the lessons I learned from observing him:

• Make do with what you have. My grandfather, like most who lived through the Depression, saved all kinds of things (but not obsessively so) — nuts, bolts, pieces of wire, scraps of wood — which he then would creatively use to fix or make needed items. The related lesson was to keep using what you have (by maintaining and fixing it) in contrast to buying a new one.
• Enjoy the simple things of life. I have vivid memories of my grandpa smiling and enjoying a ripe piece of watermelon on a Saturday evening in the backyard, or shaking his head in pleasure, saying, “Mmmm, mmm” when eating homemade vanilla ice cream.
• Do the job right. My grandfather had a reputation of building things to last. I remember some wooden benches he built to use at a picnic bench at our family’s lake cabin — and he used heavy pressure treated rough-sawn 2×12’s with mammoth 16d galvinized nails. They were so heavy, you let somebody else move them!
• Do what is right and don’t complain when others don’t. My grandfather had the reputation in our community of quietly doing the right thing, serving others, and not drawing attention to himself. Similarly, there were a number of external circumstances which occurred in his life that created significant challenges for his family — like the government buying the family farm during WWII for far less than it was worth (the farm was next to a new ammunition plant). But I never heard him complain or tell stories with a tone of bitterness.

My Grandfather Tripkos (my mom’s father; his father immigrated from Czechoslovakia in the late 1800’s) was also a farmer, in the “bottom lands” next to the Kansas River. Although I was not as close my Grandpa Trikpos, he also taught me life lessons through his example:

• Enjoy life. My Grandpa had an infectious laugh. He was smiling constantly. He was always telling or making jokes. And he loved to laugh at others’ jokes. He was just plain fun to be around.
• Make time for family. My family lived 20 minutes from most of the Tripkos side of the family (grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins). But we frequently visited them (Saturday evenings, Sunday afternoons) and my Grandpa was in our home often, usually for meals. He often drove down for Sunday meals and was always there for major holidays. And I specifically remember pitching in a Little League All-Star game with grandpa there in the stands.

None of the lessons mentioned above are earth shaking — sort of like my grandfathers. They were solid men, not spectacular. They were faithful husbands and fathers for decades. They worked hard, provided for their families in spite of extraordinary life challenges (my Grandpa Tripkos’ farm and home were flooded during a major flood in 1951 — the family lost the home). But if I can live, and help my children live, with these lessons in our lives, that would be pretty good — solid, acceptable, just like the lessons themselves.

Although I am a psychologist who has published research myself, and reviews and uses research findings in my everyday work, those of you who have known me for a while also know I have a bit of a skeptical (and sometimes cynical) view of claims made by researchers (and even more so, claims reported in the mainstream media). Part of my skepticism is based on experience of seeing research questions, designs and results skewed by the researchers’ a priori biases (i.e. the beliefs they held prior to the research, which affected how they looked at the problem). And part of my cynicism is based on the stupid things that we sometimes research — like the research psychiatrists did over a ten year span to determine that infants have different temperaments. Psychologists, psychiatrists and other social scientists seem to “shine” more than others in the area of stupid research.

Having said all of that, I now can report that psychologists have verified what many of our parents told us when we were kids and teenagers — that “work is good for you“. Or, alternative expressions included: “It will be good for you to get out there and sweat for a while.” “Idle hands are the devil’s tool.” Or, “Work never hurt anyone.”

So, if you (or your kids and grandkids) come from the worldview that having research to back up your beliefs gives you more credibility, you can now say with confidence: “Research has shown that work is good for you — emotionally and for your overall psychological well-being.” People who work tend to be more emotionally healthy and they find more satisfaction in their lives.

Additionally, we know that the most important aspects of work-life to manage are the transitions — from student-life to work, from job to job, from work to nonwork (being laid off, staying home with children, retirement) and from nonwork to work (reentering the workforce after being out for a while).

Do we need research to tell us these points? Probably not. But I thought I’d share them with you. If you want more specifics, see the May-June 2008 edition of the American Psychologist.

Have a great week. And for those of us who are fortunate enough to have the privilege of working, be happy and remember that working this week will be good for your mental health.

Mother’s Day reflections are helpful and important, I believe, because they remind us to think about our life over a longer time frame. Most of our daily lives are just that, “daily”, and very present-focused. As a result, we tend to not pay attention to the longer trends in our lives — which includes parenting (both being “parented” and parenting our children).

So let me make one or two reflections, both from my mother as well as observations from watching my wife with our four children (now 17, 21, 25 & 25).

From my experience, mothers are:

• Self-sacrificing. Mothers give of themselves from the very state of pregnancy, through birth, infancy and nursing, on throughout their lives. Whether it is biologically-based or not, mothers seem to serve their children in a sacrificial way more than dads do. In fact, one weakness I think many mothers have is that they give too much to others and, as a result, don’t take care of themselves well.
• Able to show love in ways that are meaningful to their children. Although dads obviously love their children, we seem to be more limited in how we communicate our love to our kids (financial provision, discipline). Mothers, though, seem more versatile in their expressions of love — and seem to parallel the five love languages which have been identified: verbal praise, time, touch, gifts, acts of service. Think back to your childhood — how did your mom show you she loved you? Hugs, rubbing your back at night (touch). Telling you that you did a good job (verbal praise). Being there when you got home from school, or attending your school activities (time). Making you your favorite meal for your birthday or helping you get your big homework project done (acts of service). Knowing that you really wanted xy or z for Christmas and making sure you got it (gifts). Moms are great at showing us that they love us — and do so in different ways.
• Available and good listeners. The moms that I know and see who are “connected” with their kids (whether they are school-age, teenagers, or young adults) have a knack for being able to get their children to talk and share what is important to them. And they work at it — they know when their child is upset and also are aware when they aren’t “talking”. Listening takes time — hanging out in the kitchen, running errands together, sitting on their bed at night. And good listening requires putting problem-solving on “hold” — which is why dads typically aren’t as good listeners, we tend to move into problem-solving too quickly.

Obviously, there are lots of other characteristics mothers have, but these stick out to me.

Let me close by sharing why “mothering” is so critical (the points are valid for fathers, too.) Children learn about the world from their early life experiences, and primarily those within the family. In essence, the family is their “world” in the early years. Therefore, whatever experiences and lessons they learn within the family, they tend to generalize to life and the world, as a whole. So if parents are trustworthy (they do what they say they will), children largely believe authority figures can be trusted. When mothers care for their children, give them a sense of security and love, and respond to their needs, then children feel safe to explore the world. Obviously, Erik Erikson and others have expounded on the psychological needs of children (cf. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs).

I believe we are missing this major point in our culture today. In many ways, we have minimized and degraded the importance of parenting, and specifically mothering. Although I am well aware of the economic realities of many families, that both parents may need to work, we also must assert that it is better for a child to be cared for primarily by one of their parents (and I believe mothers are generally better nurturers than dads) in their early life, than to be in a day-care setting.

When asked by young parents on whether a mother should stay home or not, I always say: “Generally speaking, if you can make it financially, the longer you can stay home in the early years, the better. Eight weeks is minimal. Three months is better. Six months is better yet. One year, two years, three years, until kindergarten (or beyond), is incrementally better.” I know it is a sacrifice, but I believe the benefits in the mental health and well-being of the child (and the family) is worth it.

Is this a value-based decision? Yes, largely. And there are exceptions on both sides — mothers who stayed home and it wasn’t healthy for them or the child; and mothers who have worked from early on and their kids are doing great. But it is not good to make decisions based on exceptions.

Regardless, I want to emphasize — mom’s are important, they give something to us that dad’s typically can’t, and we need to give honor and respect to those women who are choosing to invest into their children’s lives (regardless of whether it is full-time or while working outside of the home.)

When I meet with business owners and managers, I often ask them what characteristics they look for in younger managers they are interviewing for positions. Frequently, one quality mentioned is the desire and willingness to learn.

Recently, I have had some amazing discussions with gentlemen (I use the word with its specific meaning in mind) who are older than I am (late 50’s, early 60’s to mid 70’s) who have been successful in many areas of their lives – in business or their profession, in managing their money wisely, having healthy family relationships, and a depth of spirituality.

My interactions with these individuals had a very distinct quality to them. Although highly successful themselves, they seemed keenly interested in learning from others. In the discussions I observed, they asked questions, listened, and delved deeper with follow-up questions. They appeared to have a true interest in the lives of those with whom they were conversing. And they were equally excited to share about what they were learning currently in their lives — not what they knew nor the successes they had previously experienced. Rather, they were discussing their current challenges, the mistakes they had recently made and what they were trying to learn from them.

Maybe it is obvious to others (I am often a slow learner), but the individuals from whom I want to learn , whom I want to be like, and desire to model my life after – are learners, life-long learners. They read a fair amount (not all learn via reading, though). They ask insightful questions. Their interactions with others are more focused on learning from those around them (whether they are interacting with “successful” people, young adults, teens, or children) rather than trying to impress others with their own knowledge.

But, unfortunately, in my daily life I meet and interact with a number of individuals who come across — to put it bluntly — proud and self-absorbed. They relate to others in a condescending manner and in a way that communicates they clearly view themselves as a primary source of wisdom for those around them.

I am personally challenged to reflect on my life, attitude, and interactions with others. Am I a learner? Do I approach interactions with the attitude - what can I learn from this person, regardless of their age or stage in life?

And I am reminded of a few sayings and proverbs I have heard, like:

“A person of understanding draws out the deep thoughts of others.”

“Even an idiot appears smart if he (or she) keeps quiet.”

“A person who learns from others who are wise will become wise himself, but if you hang out with idiots – watch out!! – trouble is on its way.”

From whom would you like to learn? Take the initiative and give them a call; set up a lunch or breakfast meeting (and think about some questions ahead of time you would like to ask them.)