Mother’s Day reflections are helpful and important, I believe, because they remind us to think about our life over a longer time frame. Most of our daily lives are just that, “daily”, and very present-focused. As a result, we tend to not pay attention to the longer trends in our lives — which includes parenting (both being “parented” and parenting our children).

So let me make one or two reflections, both from my mother as well as observations from watching my wife with our four children (now 17, 21, 25 & 25).

From my experience, mothers are:

• Self-sacrificing. Mothers give of themselves from the very state of pregnancy, through birth, infancy and nursing, on throughout their lives. Whether it is biologically-based or not, mothers seem to serve their children in a sacrificial way more than dads do. In fact, one weakness I think many mothers have is that they give too much to others and, as a result, don’t take care of themselves well.
• Able to show love in ways that are meaningful to their children. Although dads obviously love their children, we seem to be more limited in how we communicate our love to our kids (financial provision, discipline). Mothers, though, seem more versatile in their expressions of love — and seem to parallel the five love languages which have been identified: verbal praise, time, touch, gifts, acts of service. Think back to your childhood — how did your mom show you she loved you? Hugs, rubbing your back at night (touch). Telling you that you did a good job (verbal praise). Being there when you got home from school, or attending your school activities (time). Making you your favorite meal for your birthday or helping you get your big homework project done (acts of service). Knowing that you really wanted xy or z for Christmas and making sure you got it (gifts). Moms are great at showing us that they love us — and do so in different ways.
• Available and good listeners. The moms that I know and see who are “connected” with their kids (whether they are school-age, teenagers, or young adults) have a knack for being able to get their children to talk and share what is important to them. And they work at it — they know when their child is upset and also are aware when they aren’t “talking”. Listening takes time — hanging out in the kitchen, running errands together, sitting on their bed at night. And good listening requires putting problem-solving on “hold” — which is why dads typically aren’t as good listeners, we tend to move into problem-solving too quickly.

Obviously, there are lots of other characteristics mothers have, but these stick out to me.

Let me close by sharing why “mothering” is so critical (the points are valid for fathers, too.) Children learn about the world from their early life experiences, and primarily those within the family. In essence, the family is their “world” in the early years. Therefore, whatever experiences and lessons they learn within the family, they tend to generalize to life and the world, as a whole. So if parents are trustworthy (they do what they say they will), children largely believe authority figures can be trusted. When mothers care for their children, give them a sense of security and love, and respond to their needs, then children feel safe to explore the world. Obviously, Erik Erikson and others have expounded on the psychological needs of children (cf. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs).

I believe we are missing this major point in our culture today. In many ways, we have minimized and degraded the importance of parenting, and specifically mothering. Although I am well aware of the economic realities of many families, that both parents may need to work, we also must assert that it is better for a child to be cared for primarily by one of their parents (and I believe mothers are generally better nurturers than dads) in their early life, than to be in a day-care setting.

When asked by young parents on whether a mother should stay home or not, I always say: “Generally speaking, if you can make it financially, the longer you can stay home in the early years, the better. Eight weeks is minimal. Three months is better. Six months is better yet. One year, two years, three years, until kindergarten (or beyond), is incrementally better.” I know it is a sacrifice, but I believe the benefits in the mental health and well-being of the child (and the family) is worth it.

Is this a value-based decision? Yes, largely. And there are exceptions on both sides — mothers who stayed home and it wasn’t healthy for them or the child; and mothers who have worked from early on and their kids are doing great. But it is not good to make decisions based on exceptions.

Regardless, I want to emphasize — mom’s are important, they give something to us that dad’s typically can’t, and we need to give honor and respect to those women who are choosing to invest into their children’s lives (regardless of whether it is full-time or while working outside of the home.)

When I meet with business owners and managers, I often ask them what characteristics they look for in younger managers they are interviewing for positions. Frequently, one quality mentioned is the desire and willingness to learn.

Recently, I have had some amazing discussions with gentlemen (I use the word with its specific meaning in mind) who are older than I am (late 50’s, early 60’s to mid 70’s) who have been successful in many areas of their lives – in business or their profession, in managing their money wisely, having healthy family relationships, and a depth of spirituality.

My interactions with these individuals had a very distinct quality to them. Although highly successful themselves, they seemed keenly interested in learning from others. In the discussions I observed, they asked questions, listened, and delved deeper with follow-up questions. They appeared to have a true interest in the lives of those with whom they were conversing. And they were equally excited to share about what they were learning currently in their lives — not what they knew nor the successes they had previously experienced. Rather, they were discussing their current challenges, the mistakes they had recently made and what they were trying to learn from them.

Maybe it is obvious to others (I am often a slow learner), but the individuals from whom I want to learn , whom I want to be like, and desire to model my life after – are learners, life-long learners. They read a fair amount (not all learn via reading, though). They ask insightful questions. Their interactions with others are more focused on learning from those around them (whether they are interacting with “successful” people, young adults, teens, or children) rather than trying to impress others with their own knowledge.

But, unfortunately, in my daily life I meet and interact with a number of individuals who come across — to put it bluntly — proud and self-absorbed. They relate to others in a condescending manner and in a way that communicates they clearly view themselves as a primary source of wisdom for those around them.

I am personally challenged to reflect on my life, attitude, and interactions with others. Am I a learner? Do I approach interactions with the attitude - what can I learn from this person, regardless of their age or stage in life?

And I am reminded of a few sayings and proverbs I have heard, like:

“A person of understanding draws out the deep thoughts of others.”

“Even an idiot appears smart if he (or she) keeps quiet.”

“A person who learns from others who are wise will become wise himself, but if you hang out with idiots – watch out!! – trouble is on its way.”

From whom would you like to learn? Take the initiative and give them a call; set up a lunch or breakfast meeting (and think about some questions ahead of time you would like to ask them.)

When I have the same issue repeat itself three times in one week in different settings, I reach the conclusion that I better write about the issue.

A growing issue for businesses is the challenge of finding quality employees. And, as we have discussed previously, it is currently equally difficult for individuals seeking work to find jobs which are a good match for their abilities and values.

As I shared this week with various employers, managers, and family business owners, there are four characteristics needed for a person to be successful in their career. And these characteristics are true, regardless of career level — from unskilled and skilled labor to highly educated professionals.

First, and most obvious, is technical or professional expertise. Regardless of industry type, or level of skill needed, almost every job requires some baseline ability, knowledge base, or technical ability — computer literacy, accounting/bookkeeping skills, welding ability, organizational skills, physical strength, knowledge of composite materials, etc. And this is the starting point for most position searches — can they . . . ? do they know how to . . .? have they been trained in and are competent to . . . ?

Secondly, an individual who is going to be successful in their current or future job position must be able to get along with others. I have yet to find a job (for pay) that does not have either customers, clients, co-workers, colleagues, supervisors or managers, vendors, supervisees. Every job requires at some level the ability to communicate with and get along with other people.

The third characteristic needed is the ability to manage oneself (particularly your emotions). As a psychologist and one who frequently deals with the emotional side of life, I have come to believe that we all have our own area of emotional vulnerability. For some, it is anger, or being easily frustrated. Depression (or at its less intense level, being easily discouraged) is the challenge for others. Being anxious, fearful, or worrying is a common area of struggle for many. Whatever the specific feeling category it may be, we all have to learn to manage these feelings, so that they don’t interfere with our ability to function in daily life. We have all witnessed otherwise talented individuals, who are “taken down” by their inability to manage their emotional life.

Finally, the characteristic of self-discipline and perseverance is core to being successful in one’s job and career. The ability to do the “daily grind” — to discipline yourself to do the basics of your job even when you don’t feel like it — is foundational to being productive. As I have stated before, when interviewing highly successful business people about their success, they often attribute “perseverance” as one of the central factors which led to their achievements.

Now, remember the title of this entry? “4-1 = 0″ has to do with the factor that if an individual lacks any one of these four characteristics, they probably will not achieve success in their chosen career field. Let’s face it. If you don’t have the technical capabilities in your field, you won’t go far. The same is true for not getting along with others. Or if your emotions get the best of you, your success will be limited. And if you don’t persevere or have the self-discipline to do the “day-in, day-out” tasks, you typically won’t go very far.

But the real issue is this. There aren’t many “4 for 4’s” out there — and they usually are already working for someone else. So what do you do?

I believe the easiest of the four characteristics to develop is the area of technical or professional expertise. Generally speaking, I would rather take a person who: (a) gets along well with others; (b) has good emotional balance; and (c) perseveres and has self-discipline, and then train them in the technical skill or knowledge base. I believe this is far easier than trying to develop one of the other three areas.

So I am encouraging managers and employers to look for good people and then train them. It seems often applicants have some foundational skills or aptitudes, but not to the level of competency the employer is seeking. I counsel these employers to hire people of good character and then invest in training them. So far, this counsel seems to prove to be a successful approach.

Now, I am hearing the thoughts of the business owners and managers out there saying, “easier said than done.” True. How do you find good people?

First, and foremost, good employees are referred to you by trusted friends and colleagues. (Hence, my repetitive call to network.)

The second best approach is to assess for these characteristics. There are measures of emotional intelligence, but I have found them to be only marginally helpful. However, over the past four months I have been investigating and becoming familiar with an assessmetnt tool that assesses not only personality style (measures like the Myers-Briggs or DISC are ubiquitous) but also character. No assessment tool is perfect, but this instrument (called the MERIT profile) has a good research base, and I have found it to be helpful in assessing potential employees. (If you contact the company, tell them you heard about them through my blog.)

Regardless of how you find good candidates, I believe the important point is for employers to focus more of their time and attention in employee selection on the three competencies which comprise emotional intelligence (relational skills, managing your emotions, self-discipline) and accept the fact that you will probably have to teach them the specific skill set needed in the job.

Ok. Confession time. I am feeling overwhelmed. It seems like I have more work (and other life tasks) to do than I have time and mental (or emotional) energy. [I can hear the thoughts now: “Physician (or psychologist), heal thyself!”]

Let me explain the reasons for my current condition (from my perspective, that is; my wife will probably have other factors she would add). I believe my “overwhelmedness” is a combination of both: (a) lifestyle, and (b) a convergence of circumstances.

On the lifestyle side, I tend to run at a fast pace, pack my days and weeks quite full, and expect to get a lot done in a short period of time. So if too many unexpected challenges arise or unplanned tasks pop up, I can run short on the time and energy to complete what is before me. I have battled over the years to keep some margin in my life and schedule — sometimes I do better than others.

Add to this life pattern the fact that I have had business meetings over the past two weekends (an unusual pattern for me), and I have become overwhelmed. Weekends for me are partly for “catching up” from the week, as well as rejuvenating myself. And the fact that I had meetings over the weekends meant that I actually created more work to “catch up” from. Hence, I feel I have more to do than possible in the time allotted.

So, I thought: “Well, let’s use this as a problem-solving lesson on what you should do when you feel overwhelmed.” (I’m generally ok with a moderate amount of self-disclosure.)

First, I need to take stock and see what really needs to get done and by when. For me, it is helpful to write down all the things I think I need to do, and then to start to prioritize them (either by timeframe [today, tomorrow, this week, later] or by rank ordering).

Then I have to engage in some “self-talk”. “Ok, what really has to get done today? Why? What will happen if it doesn’t?” Often, my timeframes for getting things done are more about how I will look to others (i.e. what I think they will think of me if I don’t get it done as soon as I think I should). Usually, I am able to convince myself that not everything has to be done “right now”, and that I am going to let some items slide — for my own mental health. [For example, I am two days late in getting this posting out — which is my own timeframe; I decided no one would die if if came out late.]

With my newly re-prioritized list, I then look and see which tasks or items I could delegate to someone else, rather than do them myself. Many times there aren’t too many items I can hand off. Additionally, some of us (myself included) have the pattern of taking on too much and often look to others to “help us out”. This is ok in a work setting, if you have an administrative assistant whose job is to do these types of tasks. Both the pattern becomes problematic if we consistently overcommit ourselves and ask our spouses, family members, friends or colleagues to bail us out.

After delegating whatever I can (appropriately), it is now time to “dive in”. This means I start on the most important task and work on it until it is completed. Then I tackle the second most important task. The challenge is keeping focused, not getting distracted by minor interruptions, and working until the task is complete. Having a number of partially-completed important tasks does not bring the sense of relief and accomplishment that comes with successfully and fully completing a highly important task.

If you are truly overwhelmed (by my definition, at least), you are not going to “dig out” in one day. It is a longer term situation. Therefore, my next principle is to keep doing those things that are necessary to re-energize and rejuvenate you. Now is not the time to quit exercising. It is not the time to load yourself up with chemicals that give temporary energy or relief, but which will create a backlash (think sugar, chocolate, caffeine, alcohol). And don’t significantly reduce the amount of sleep you get. When getting caught up from being “buried”, we use a lot of mental and emotional energy. Sleep deprivation will just make matters worse. Now, realistically speaking, we may cut back on our exercise program, or work later (or get up earlier) to a degree, but the issue is one of moderation.

Two more points. First, celebrate the victories. As you knock off tasks that needed to be completed, be sure and take time to feel good about it. Take a breath, stretch and say, “OK, that one is done.” Then dive in to the next task (it generally doesn’t help the overall plan by celebrating for hours!)

Second, make decisions today that will not continue to create the overwhelmed pattern next week. Say “no”, “that will have to wait”, “I’ll have to get back to you on that one.” Probably one of my biggest problems is continuing to say “yes” or to fill my calendar, leaving little time for margin. So check yourself and make sure you aren’t putting yourself in a “repeat this bad week” mode for the future.

Finally, I have been focusing primarily on getting the tasks done. But the real cost of feeling overwhelmed is how it impacts our relationships with others. We are rushed. We don’t have time to talk. We are irritable and “short”. We become primarily self-focused on our lives and what we feel we need to get done. We are unavailable (physically and emotionally.) And although those around us who care about us are willing to “put up” with us for a while, over the long term, these characteristics can really damage the relationship. [Guilty as charged. Gotta go talk to my wife.]

This week I have been gone five days for a series of business meetings. I am writing this as I travel home to be with my family. I have been reading, and have decided to review, a book entitled, The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine. Dr. Levine is a psychologist who practices in the affluent area of Marin County, just north of San Francisco.

Ironically, I have been gone from my family for business this week and I now have to look in the mirror regarding the concerns she raises about parenting in an achievement-oriented home. Dr. Levine raises numerous valuable issues and points, but I will focus on some of the foundational issues related to parenting in the upper middle-class and affluent subcultures. (Quotes are followed by page numbers in parens.)

“Raising children has come to look more and more like a business endeavor and less and less like an endeavor of the heart.” (14) Dr. Levine cautions that more and more parents focus more on “results”, (and specifically achievement), rather than a relationship with their child.

Research is indicating a growing high at-risk group: preteens and early teens of affluent families. The incidence of depression, substance abuse, anxiety, and unhappiness is increasing at a staggering rate (20% of early teen girls are depressed.) Related to this, a subculture among affluent preteens and teens has developed which values substance abuse, rule breaking and sexual activity.

There are two primary core issues which underlie the dysfunction in this preteen and early teenage subculture:

a) the pressure to achieve, and b) isolation from parents.

Dr. Levine believes parents are “over-involved in the wrong things, and under-involved in the right things, both at the same time.” (28) She views inappropriate involvement in children’s achievement as intrusion, and an unavailability to support our children leads to isolation. “Support is about the needs of the child; intrusion is about the needs of the parent.” (12) “It is when a parent’s love is experienced as conditional on achievement that children are at risk for serious emotional problems.” (30)

“Being free enough from your own preoccupations to be attuned to the needs of your particular child is one of the greatest contributions to their healthy psychological development you can make.” (34)

Ouch. That one hits too close to home for me. I have to honestly say that often I am so preoccupied with my work that I am mentally and emotionally unavailable to both my wife and children. I need to correct that pattern in my life.

Dr. Levine then moves into a section of the book entitled Materialism: The Dark Side of Affluence. I like the way she differentiates between having significant financial resources and ‘materialism’.

“Materialism is not the same as having money. . . Materialism is a value system that emphasizes wealth, status, image, and material consumption.” “Materialism [as opposed to being wealthy].. does predict a lack of happiness and satisfaction.” (45)

Why? “When money becomes overly important, it crowds out other goals, endeavors, and interests; work, friendship, marriage, hobbies, parenting, spiritual development, and intellectual challenges can all fall by the wayside.” (47) “Materialism is about how easy it can be to choose the simple seduction of objects over the complex substance of relationships.” (48) So the focus and enamor with money, possessions, image and pleasure lead us to make choices that eventually depletes us from the more substantive, fulfilling, and lasting aspects of our lives.

The comments and observations Dr. Levine causes me to stop and reflect on my life. ‘What do I need to do differently to demonstrate to my family that I am more interested in them personally than I am about “achievement” (either theirs or my own)? I know this. I am going home and spending the evening with them – talking and listening. Any work that I could do will have to wait.

As one of my friends often says, “Life is daily.” And this is the time of year that proves the point. Mid-January, February, and March is the time of year where we often have to just “gut it out” on a daily basis. The holidays are over, most vacations are done, and now is the time to get stuff done. This is true for students, in work, in physical fitness, and all parts of our lives.

Another friend of mine has observed and commented that some people are good at the daily discipline of life, others do well in making major life decisions, while few people seem to perform well in both arenas. What does it take to do well in daily life?

I know a guy who seems to have mastered daily life. Although he is a real-life guy, we’ll call him Jerry. Jerry is a fairly bright guy, but not stellar. In college, he had to work harder than most of his peers and did so, obtaining predominately B’s, with some C’s, at a tough private college. He graduated with a degree in humanities, and later obtained a master’s degree in International Studies.

Jerry also was a decent athlete, but sort of short and stocky. He built his body up through daily discipline — running (even in subzero weather) and weightlifting regularly. He played high school football, did intramurals in college, and then continued to maintain his physical fitness through his 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. In fact, he pushed himself and successfully completed Rangers training in the Army on his first try (which is highly unusual).

In his career, Jerry did what he was supposed to (and really, beyond what was expected) on a day-to-day basis. He demonstrated personal discipline, integrity, and service to others — and as a result, he was repeatedly promoted and given more and more responsibility. Over time (in fact, several years), Jerry moved up within his organization — in fact, to become the top assistant for the general who was in charge of all NATO troops in Europe. He was invited to attend the training program for generals but declined to do so, in order to focus more on his family.

Since that point in time, Jerry has been actively involved in the lives of his children, started a business, and also is a spiritual leader within his community. Although not excessively financially wealthy, he provides for his family and has a solid marriage.

If you were to meet Jerry, you would say he is a friendly guy, and would strike you as “solid”. He is not necessarily charismatic or flashy, and many looking from the outside would not view him as excessively “successful” in the terms many define as “success” (financial wealth, fame, career advancement).

But to me, Jerry is a model. He is a man whom I want to emulate my life after — he has mastered the daily grind in multiple areas of his life.

So, for you (and for me), the question is: Where in our lives do we need to be faithful to do the daily speel? Schoolwork? Those work responsibilities which are not fun but are core to the success of your position? Physical exercise? Time with family members? Limiting financial spending and increasing saving?

So take a minute or two. Maybe review those New Year’s Resolutions you made. And determine where you want to demonstrate consistent daily discipline, which will serve as a building block for your future success. Just like Jerry.

This weekend I had the privilege of facilitating a family meeting in Northern California with a family I have known for over six years, and we had a great time together. I returned home yesterday afternoon, and as part of my recuperation and re-entry into the family process, my family and I watched a movie together last night. For those of you who have been reading for a while, you know of my penchant for animated movies, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that we enjoyed a movie from that genre’ called Ratatouille.

After enjoying the movie together, I found an interesting clip on the special features of the DVD called “A Conversation with Brad Bird and Thomas Keller”. I hit the play button and we watched an interesting interview with Brad Bird, who was the screenwriter and director of the film and a leading animation movie producer for Disney, and Thomas Keller, the famous chef of The French Laundry restaurant in Napa, CA. What followed was a discussion with each of these successful creative entrepreneurs regarding the principles that they believe have led to their success. Some the principles were overtly stated, others are observations I gleaned from the discussion.

Early work experience. Both Mr. Bird and Mr. Keller described a period of time in their childhood and teenage years where they began working in their current area of expertise. Mr. Keller worked in the kitchen of his mother’s restaurant while growing up, and Mr. Bird entered a contest for animation when he was 11 years old. He won the contest, and with it, the opportunity to work alongside the animators at Disney studios.

Mentoring. Both men indicated that a crucial factor in their professional success was the process of being mentored by their elders in the profession. Mr. Bird’s mentoring occurred naturally with his work in the Disney studios, while Mr. Keller took proactive steps to seek out and work under successful artistes in his field, initially in the N.E. United States and then in Paris.

Commitment. Each man both verbalized directly and reported life stories about the level of commitment needed to be successful. Success does not come from a “hobby” approach to one’s profession, and requires the sacrifice of long hours and focus.

Emotional connection with clients. Interesting to me was the common factor of emotional connection cited by both professionals. Getting into the mindset of one’s clients was a key process in their creation of their products. They attempted to visualize and “be with” their clients in the experience of partaking of what they had created. And they wanted their clients to feel the passion and emotion they put into their creations. (Do they teach that in MBA programs?)

Quest for perfection. Mr. Bird and Mr. Keller distinguished between “perfection” and “the quest for perfection.” They gave numerous specific examples in their work where they were “gently demanding” of those with whom they worked. They try not to be purely demanding in an ogre-like manner, but do try to push their colleagues: “That’s great! But if we just …, I think it will be even better.”

Coaching others. Within their own creative processes, it was clear that neither of these pillars within their fields see themselves as an island, or that they had created the success on their own. Rather, they understand the necessity of working with team members collaboratively, and even more so, saw the need and responsibility to coach those with whom they work. Mr. Bird stated that the goal is to “coach those beneath you to bring out their greatness.”

Work with a sense of urgency. Even though both men are artists, they clearly did not espouse a laisse faire approach to the artistic process. They communicated the need to have an atmosphere of urgency within the workplace, and that this aura actually brings energy to the creative process. In fact, at Mr. Keller’s restaurant they have a sign posted in the kitchen which says: “Sense of Urgency.”

Don’t over-control the process. When working collaboratively with a team of professionals who are talented in their own right, it is important for the creative director (or business leader) not to over control the process. Mr. Keller and Mr. Bird cited the need to ask for and listen to the input of their colleagues, realizing that they do not hold the patent on all good ideas.

Find delight in what you do. Finally, (and this was their concluding thought), to be truly successful in what you do, you must enjoy it. You must seek to create a product (or service) that delights you. When you make something that brings you pleasure, then others will find delight in it, as well.

The movie (Ratatouille) itself is fun. But the lessons and hearing the passion in these men’s voices as they share the lessons they have learned is even more valuable. Enjoy and learn!

Remember “Curly”, the ascerbic senior wrangler played by Jack Palance in City Slickers? In the movie, Mitch (played by Billy Crystal) is in the midst of a midlife crisis brought on by his 39th birthday. So he and two friends go West to “find themselves” by participating in a cattle drive. Curly is the cowpoke in charge and gives Mitch the answer to his midlife crisis — he needs to find the “one thing” that is central to his being and that becomes his life purpose.

Now there have been a lot of books written in the past ten years regarding finding one’s purpose in life (First Things First by Stephen Covey; The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren; Life on Purpose by Brad Swift) and that is not the point of this entry.

Rather, I would like to tie in the idea of “one thing” to New Year’s resolutions. The other day my wife asked me if I was going to work on my New Year’s resolutions and I said, “No, I don’t do those anymore”, which is true to an extent. I don’t make a list of things I want to do or change in the coming year (largely in response to either a sense of failure in past years, or a desire to be more honest now.) But I do focus on “one thing”.

I have learned that if I am going to change something in my life, either to do something I haven’t done before or to remove something from my life, I need to focus on one thing at a time. Otherwise, I become overwhelmed, get bogged down, and none of the x number of changes I wanted to make actually happen.

So let me share some key components of making change in our lives. The more of these you include in your plan, the higher the probability is that you will be successful in incorporating new behavior in your life. The fewer involved in your plan, the more difficult it may be to make the change happen and “stick”. But the list isn’t an “all or nothing” proposition. Rather, pick which ones work for you in your life right now and go for it!

1. Define your goal in observable and measurable terms. Set a goal (to exercise a total of 240 minutes a week; to take a 10 week class in conversational Spanish; to save $1,000 by Memorial Day). If your “change” is amorphous and ill-defined, you really can’t develop a specific plan to achieve the change and you won’t know when you reach your goal.

2. Make a firm (written?) commitment to yourself that you intend to reach this goal and set a target date for achieving the goal. Most of us set “sort of” goals, like “I think I’m going to …” or “I’d like to …” This is in contrast to: “I am going to …. by x date.” Feel the difference in the level of commitment?

3. Determine how and when progress toward the goal will be measured. Often we set long-term goals (anything over two weeks is really long term in the realm of change) but don’t set up interim goals that will help us track our progress and help keep up accountable. If you are going to save $1,000 by Memorial Day then you should set up interim goals for every week or month between now and then.

4. Use social support. One of the key factors to successful behavior change is not trying to do it by yourself. Hence, the success of WeightWatchers or exercising with a friend or taking a class together with someone. Although the support can be in the form of reporting and accountability, the best form is by doing it together. That way, you encourage and support each other along the way.

5. Accountability — have an external reporting source verify your progress. If you really want to get serious about accomplishing your goal, set up a system to “check in” with someone who has to verify (by physical evidence, not by your verbal report) your progress. They see the balance on your savings; they check with your friend about class attendance; they watch you weigh on the scale. It’s tough, but effective.

6. Use rewards and consequences for reaching (or not) your interim goals. Although goals and consequences for reaching your ultimate goal work sometimes, usually the timeframe is too long to make a difference in our daily decisions. If you go to your Spanish class and get all the homework done, treat yourself to a dessert. If you reach your exercise goal for the week, rent a movie you have been wanting to see. I would encourage you to focus more on rewards than consequences; otherwise, you can develop a negative and resentful mindset toward the life change if you don’t reach your goal in one or two weeks, which results in giving up.

7. Focus on a short-term project rather than an exceptionally long period of time. If you want to make a long term change, break it up into a series of short term goals (3-4 months). Most of us only have so much mental and emotional energy, and from a perspective point of view, short-term goals are easier to start toward and complete.

With regards to choosing that “one thing”, let me offer some different ways to decide what change you should pursue. Sometimes you pick the one thing that really irritates you the most about you, and that would significantly change how you feel about yourself if that behavior or characteristic were different. Sometimes it is best to choose an “easy win”; some behavior that you know you can (and will) change if you just set your mind to it. And then you use this as a confidence builder to attack a more menacing behavior next quarter. Or sometimes you pick a behavior or pattern you have been thinking about working on, and one of your friends is planning to attack the same area — that way you have a built in social support system.

Whatever it may, I hope you find “one thing” you want to improve in your life and develop a plan that has a high probability of success rather than just go through the motions of making some New Year’s resolutions with no definite plan — that will probably lead to frustration and negative thoughts about yourself (and nobody needs that). I’m going to decide what my “one thing” is and work out a specific plan, and I will have it done by 8 a.m. CT 1/2/2008.

Earlier this week, I had the unique opportunity of a quiet evening alone at home. I had been working fairly hard, so I decided to “kick back” a little and I rented a movie. Now, my movie watching patterns are different than most adults. Given the type of work I do, I usually am not that interested in some high intensity, adrenaline-rush thriller. And rarely do I want to see a drama with a lot of intense relational issues. No, when I watch a movie I often want to escape from reality into the realm of comedy — and even further from reality into the world of animation (I really am a kid at heart).

So this week I picked up Meet the Robinsons, a delightful film about a boy who grows up in an orphanage and who wants to be an inventor. Lewis repeatedly meets potential adoptive parents but usually blows the interview by trying to impress them with his latest invention which always malfunctions and creates some kind of chaos. There are a lot of wonderful lessons from the story, but let me focus on one scene.

Lewis is visiting a family in the future (he traveled there in a time machine) and they ask him to try to fix a machine they have that is malfunctioning. But, like all the other times, after he “fixes” it, the machine goes haywire and makes a mess of everyone. But, instead of getting angry or being disappointed, the family starts to congratulate Lewis. “Way to go!” “Great failure!” “We’re so proud of you!” They are smiling, laughing and clapping. It is a stunning moment — both for Lewis and for me.

Lewis expresses his confusion at their responses and they go on to explain that their father, who is a highly successful and famous inventor, taught them that failure is a good thing. Because when you fail, you are able to learn what doesn’t work. Failure, from their point of view, was the beginning of success. As a result, failure is to be celebrated and embraced.

“But failure, in and of itself, isn’t the key to success”, they continue. They then inform him of the family motto, which they repeat so often he gets tired of hearing it. “Keep moving forward.” When ever one experiences failure, they explain, you learn from it but also pick yourself up and “keep moving forward”. You try again. You don’t give up. You try something else to overcome the challenge in your way.

So, like all good children’s books and movies, Lewis succeeds — both in becoming a famous and successful inventor but also in finding a family that loves and values him. And it has a nice, “feel good” ending. My kind of movie.

But the lesson was stunning to me. Here is a simple children’s animated movie and it is teaching a key component of life and business success I hear over and over from the successful businesspeople with whom I work. “To what do you attribute your business and financial success?” I ask them.

“Perseverance.” “We didn’t give up even when times were bad.” “We kept doing what we knew was the right thing to do.” “We didn’t accept ‘failure’ as an option.” Essentially, they did not accept failure as the the stopping point of their efforts. They kept trying.
I am still challenged by the response of the Robinson family in the movie — they rejoiced, were excited and not at all discouraged when someone failed. They maintained a positive outlook, supported and encouraged the person, and had the perspective — “OK, now what are you going to do to make it better this next time?”

This is not “pie in the sky”, let’s hold hands and sing Kum-by-ya. This is reality based feedback. Perseverance works. Giving up does not. I need this encouragement as I face my own small setbacks throughout the week. And it was a delightful surprise to hear this message from a silly, animated movie.

“Great failure!” “Keep moving forward!” I hope I can foster this attitude in my life and in my interactions with those around me. Let’s try it!

p.s. For another “feel good” animated movie with positive life lessons, watch Robots which has the wonderful theme of an inventor whose motto is “Find a need, meet a need.”

The third theme I have observed in financially successful families is that many of their children and grandchildren struggle with poor self-esteem and low self-confidence.  Now let’s get this straight from the beginning — although I am a psychologist, I do not believe that feeling good about oneself is the goal of life (nor of parenting or education). 

Self-esteem (that is, having a positive view of one’s self) is not a goal, it is a result of other good things in your life.  Self-esteem is not global; it is situation specific and is the result of being competent.  As we develop competencies in our children, and they begin to demonstrate these competencies, their confidence grows (in that skill or area of application).   Thus, telling a child that they are “good” or “special” has virtually no impact on how they feel about themselves.  But teaching them various skills – how to dribble a basketball, learning to play the piano, learning how to bake cookies, riding a bike, balancing a checkbook, learning how to play chess — that is how a child’s self-esteem is built.

Why, then, do many descendants of wealthy or successful individuals struggle with feeling good about themselves?  There are a number of factors to consider.

First, we must understand that “skill” is relative.  Learning to play chess at age four or five is a relatively impressive feat.  But even a bright seven year old girl who has advanced skills typically will be no match for a sixteen year old ranked player, and her skill will pale in comparison to her father’s, who is an internationally ranked chess master.  The same is true for budding athletes, developing entrepreneurs, academic scholars, accomplished musicians – you can take any field.  When you are growing up in a family where your parents or grandparents are known as one of the most successful individuals in their respective field of expertise (business, technology, entertainment, sports) — your skill level, no matter how good you are, probably can’t compete with the level of success your parent / grandparent has achieved.  Thus, feeling good about your skill level is difficult because “I’ll never be as good as . . . ” (which may or may not be true in the future, but currently your skill level has not developed to level of your parent’s at the height of their career).

A second issue which contributes to struggles with self-confidence in descendants of successful families is the reality of life called “regression toward the mean”.  If you think about a bell-shaped curve, the issue becomes clearer.  The bell-shaped curve visually represents the fact that most people are average (average height, average intelligence, average musicians, etc.) and this is the large group in the middle of the curve.  There are fewer above average individuals (and similarly, fewer below average) and even fewer really skilled individuals — in any area of life.  This small group of really skilled individuals is represented by the small “tail” at the far right hand side of the curve.  These are the people who have the combination of natural ability, access to training, the requisite personality characteristics, and possibly the good fortune of being in the right place at the right time — to be highly successful in their field.  And, as reality demonstrates, in comparison to all of the people in the world, there aren’t many of them (e.g. Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong, Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, Jerry Seinfeld, Yo Yo Ma).  Although the pure number of individuals may seem large, in comparison to 6.5 billion people, the relative percentage is extremely small.