Over the past several weeks I have been involved with a number of families, helping them with their philanthropic giving process.  What has been interesting is the fact that almost all of the families are at some different stage in their developmental stage of philanthropy.  Some are really just beginning, others have been “doing” philanthropy for a while but are at a new life stage in their families and having to reshape their giving process, and some are not only experienced but are providing leadership to other families and foundations.

Let me share some lessons I am gleaning from my facilitator role.

“Successful” philanthropy reflects the true, authentic character of the family.  There is a lot of discusssion within the marketplace about what “successful” philanthropy is, but from an observer’s position, it seems successful philanthropy entails actively engaged family members who enjoy the process of giving along with positively impacting people’s lives as a result of the money given — both pieces seem to be necessary.  Given this description, I see “successful philanthropy” take on many shapes and forms.  No one approach or format yields these results for families.  Rather, if a family is laissez faire and goes through life more experientially (versus planned out), their philanthropy and generosity works well in this form.  But for families who are more goal-driven, structured and need to help “move things along”, a laissez faire approach to their philanthropy would drive them mad and not be fulfilling.

Ongoing, regular two-way communication is key.  Regardless of the level of development of the family’s philanthropic process, whether it is just a couple sitting down to talk together informally; parents sharing about their giving with their adult children; or a group of adult siblings with their spouses having a formal Board meeting — if there isn’t ongoing regular communication, problems erupt.  Misunderstanding, hurt feelings and mistrust can grow over a few thousand dollars to be given or over hundreds of thousands of dollars — the amount of money is not critical.   The challenge is — regular communication takes effort and time, and a commitment to overcome the obstacles of life (busyness, interruptions, illness, unexpected demands from other commitments). Families that can meet the challenge win — the process of giving together stays healthy.

There needs to be a healthy acceptance of different levels of interest, passion, and involvement across generations.  I am asked to speak on or address (to families) the topic “How to Engage the Next Generations in Philanthropy” fairly frequently.  And the pattern which I am seeing that is yielding the most positive results is this:  a) there is a generation of the family which is interested, passionate, and involved in giving;  b) there is a desire within this generation to pass on their passion to other family members;  c) however, they understand that there are seasons of life and interest in philanthropy needs to be grown and developed over time;  d) the involved generation attempts to model and share about their giving at a level which matches the level of interest by the next generation;  and e) the involved generation continues to be involved and excited about what they are doing philanthropically regardless of the response of the next generation (that is, they don’t get discouraged, start to manipulate or place “guilt trips” on the next generation).

These are just some initial observations from recent interactions.  Being forthright, working with families and their philanthropic plans is once of the most enjoyable and rewarding aspects of my work right now.

Have a great week!

I didn’t write an entry last week because I couldn’t really think of much to say. Nothing profound or new (not that my entries are typically profound.) So I decided to “think on it”.

This week, I don’t necessary have anything new (again), but I have been thinking about those situations when you don’t have much to say — and what you should do.

First, some context for those of you who don’t know me well. Historically, I have been quite outgoing, social, and rarely, if ever, at a loss for words. In the past (and still in some situations) I have been one of those people who willingly fills the void if there is any dead air space. Age, life experience (including times of making a fool of myself by talking too much) and the amount of social interaction in my work — all have caused me to slow down a bit and not be so socially hyper.

In fact, an adult friend of mine gave me some advice when I went away to college. He told me, “Paul, you are the kind of person who will jump in to every activity available, get over-involved, and burn yourself out — because you want people to like you. What you need to do is sit back for the first semester, shut up, and just watch what is going on. Then you can see what you want to get involved in and make some good choices.” Believe it or not, I attempted to follow his advice. And it was an interesting experience for me. Rather than be Mr. Outgoing, I actually took on the role of “the quiet guy” in new situations. And I watched other people make fools of themselves — and saw what I must have looked like to others.

Since then, I now “pick and choose” — sometimes I am my fun-loving, outgoing self, while other times I tend to be the “sit back and observe” guy. I actually enjoy the ability to choose which role I will take.

Here are some observations I have made, and some lessons learned.

• If you don’t have anything to say, don’t. There is an old saying which applies: “Even a fool seems wise if he doesn’t open up his mouth.” It reminds me of the movie from the 70’s “Being There” in which Peter Sellers stars as a not very bright (and even strange guy). He was primarily a gardener and butler and didn’t say much. But he would occasional utter an obtuse saying or metaphor, that others would view as quite “deep”, and he continually kept being put into higher levels of responsibility — largely because he didn’t say much.
• If you are not sure what to say, wait — leave some silence for others to speak. Many people who are more introverted need more “space” in which to engage in conversation. They need some time to process what they have heard, gather their thoughts, formulate a response, and then gather the courage to share their thoughts. Those of us who are motor-mouths go at such a fast pace in conversations (especially in small groups), that many quieter people don’t say much because there is not enough space for them in the conversation to enter in.
• Ask questions of others. The truth is: most people like to share about themselves — what they have been doing, what they are thinking about, experiences they have had. And all they need is someone to show some interest and ask them “What’s been going on?” and they are ready to share. I actually have found I get deeper and more meaningful responses when I ask different questions, like: “What is new in your life?” “What have you been learning lately?” “What’s going on that I don’t know about?” These seem to bypass the traditional small-talk responses (”Nothing.” “Not much.” “I don’t know. What about you?”)
• Sometimes “I don’t know what to say” is the most appropriate thing to say. There are difficult or awkward situations that arise occasionally, where it is really hard to know how to respond. Surprising news or decisions made, recent serious medical diagnoses or personal tragedies, or just awkward statements by others — all can put us in a position of wanting to say something but not to say something that might offend or seem inappropriate. I have found if I say “I don’t know what to say” they will continue on, give more information, and allow me time to figure out what an appropriate response is.
• If you don’t have anything to say, and you find yourself talking — stop. Okay. Sounds good.

Have a good week!

I have observed a common pattern across many areas that I work (and live) — people avoiding dealing with tense or conflictual situations in their relationships with others. And almost always, not dealing with the situation creates additional problems or makes the conflict larger and more intense (often involving more people than were originally involved).

And it happens it lots of settings:

• in family businesses, between family members working together
• in office settings, between coworkers who can’t get a long
• in marriages, between spouses
• in extended families, between parents-in-law and their children’s spouse
• in schools, between teachers and parents of the students
• in wealthy families, between siblings who are inheriting wealth
• and on and on.

Now, I am not going to try to address all the issues relevant to conflict in relationships, that would require a book (or two). But let’s look at some core concepts.

First, why do people often try to avoid conflict? I think there are lots of potential reasons, but let’s identify a few.

1. Many people do not like emotionally-charged situations, and they feel if they raise the issue underlying the conflict, emotions will get out of control.
2. Most people don’t like others to act or communicate in an angry way towards them, and will almost anything to avoid this type of interchange.
3. Some individuals believe that, in conflict, someone must either “be wrong” or have done something wrong, and they don’t want to be accused of this.
4. Most of us, when we have done something wrong, don’t like admitting it or apologizing for our error.

The problem is — not dealing with conflict in a situation doesn’t make it go away. In fact, frequently, things get worse. When there is tension between two people, or when there is a relational break (that is, the two people are not communicating much at all, if any) — not dealing with the issue creates additional problems, including:

• Others notice the tension and it makes them feel uncomfortable.
• Communication between the two individuals becomes minimal and ineffective.
• Other people get pulled into the conflict, and often begin to “take sides”.
• The people involved in the conflict experience a lot more emotional tension in their lives, with their emotions “building up”, and often spilling over into other areas of their lives.
• The relationship becomes more and more distant, sometimes to the point of total cut-off between the two parties.

Now, I am not suggesting, that if you are in the midst of a conflict in one of your relationships, you should run out and “deal with it”. Why? Because most people who have the habit of avoiding conflict don’t have very good success at resolving conflictual situations on their own — they don’t haven’t been practicing how to deal with conflict in their daily lives (we all have it, you know), they have misbeliefs about what should be done (”we just need to sit down and talk it out”), and they may not have the skills to deal with the situation effectively.

So what should you do?

First, take stock of your relationships and see if there are any that currently have significant tension or conflict that is getting in the way. Admit to yourself that there is a relationship that needs attention.

Second, observe how the tension in your relationship is affecting your life and those around you. For you to seriously consider dealing with the situation, you are probably going to need to be convinced that the conflict is creating problems in your life. You may want to ask those close to you in the situation (coworkers, family members) how the tension affects them (don’t ask it in a way where you are looking for support for your position in the conflict).

If possible, seek some help from someone who can help you deal with the conflict in the relationship in a positive way. Get some counsel from someone you admire and observe that they seem to be able to address relational tensions in their lives in a healthy way. Sometimes it may be beneficial to talk to a professional counselor, business coach, or facilitator — to help you and the other person meet together to resolve the issues creating the conflict.

Do some reading that can help you grow in dealing with conflicts in your life. Whatever the conflict you are currently experiencing, if you are a habitual “conflict avoider”, be assured this will not be the last difficult relational situation you have to deal with — there will be more. So it would be wise to start to grow in your ability to deal with tensions in relationships in a healthy way. There is a great book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most that a number of my clients have found to be quite helpful in guiding them through tough conversations they needed to have with someone in their life. Additionally, Lewis Smedes has written an excellent book, The Art of Forgiving, that is also extremely helpful.

I have conflict in relationships in my life (just ask those close to me), and I am still learning how to deal with those tensions in a healthier manner — I think we all can. Let’s just commit together to not let tensions in relationships fester to the point where they poison our lives — it will make all of our lives healthier.

Much of life is not magic or spectacular. As one of my friends says, “Life is daily.”

And when we look at the goals so many of us have –

• to be healthy physically – in shape and not overweight;
• to be moving toward financial independence;
• to have healthy family relationships – in our marriage, with our children, and among our extended family –

many of these goals are largely the result of daily actions and taking time each week to devote to these goals.

Exercising a few times a week, eating healthy and in moderation, and getting enough sleep – moves us toward physical health.

Working hard, spending less than you earn, using what you have versus buying something new, saving regularly, investing wisely, and learning to be content in your circumstances – leads toward financial independence.

Similarly, there are some foundational habits that lead toward healthy relationships in families. And in my work every week I see both: a) families (or family members) who say they want healthy relationships but consistently do not make the choices necessary to bring about the health they desire; and b) families who have strong, warm relationships with one another as a result of habits and structures they have built into their lives over the years (and continue to do so.)

This is true for young couples, young families with children, middle-aged parents with teens or young adults, senior parents with adult children and grandchildren, wealthy families and those lesser financial means.

Let’s look at some of those patterns.

1. Spending regular time to be in touch with each other’s daily lives. This will look differently depending on the life stage of the family. It may mean talking or emailing a couple times a week (for families with children out of the home), eating dinner together regularly, taking walks together in the evening and catching up on the day’s events.

2. Having regular leisure time together. Again, the format will differ. This might mean going on a camping trip once a year. Doing leisure activities together occasionally – playing golf, fishing, going shopping, going to a concert, playing cards or a board game, or eating out together – hopefully an activity that allows for interaction during the event.

3. Taking time to have significant conversations about meaningful topics. It is difficult to have “deep” conversations spontaneously – the circumstances rarely work out right (the other person is distracted, there are kids around, someone interrupts the time, etc.) I find that people who want to have significant conversations with others plan for them. They think through what they want to talk about; they let the other person (or persons) know they would like to set aside some time to talk; and they schedule a time and an appropriate place.

It is important to note that this is true in a variety of relationships: couples; parents / kids & teens; senior adults and their adult children; and extended families (matriarch/patriarch to the rest of the family).

4. Being available to listen when others want to talk. (By the way, this is my biggest personal deficit area.) One of the key components to healthy relationships, seemingly especially with school-age children and teens, is being available when the other person has a need to share what is on their heart. This is one of the benefits of moms being home after school when kids get home, the “travel time” to / from school and activities, running errands together, cooking meals together, or working on projects together.

Unfortunately, most of us who are in the parent role tend to focus more on what we want to communicate to our kids, and often do not ask enough questions and just listen (guilty as charged).

5. Working through tensions, miscommunication, and conflict. Healthy families realize that no one is perfect, that miscommunications happen, it best to work to resolve a conflict rather than avoid it, and forgiving others when you have been wronged works a lot better than holding a grudge. So much hurt, pain, and damaged relationships could be avoided if families would realize that problems occur in family relationships and it is best to take proactive steps to deal with them.

If I could make one request from many of the families that I meet (often in passing) – do yourself and your family a favor: build some foundational habits and structures in your family’s life that will foster healthy, close relationships that you will enjoy for years. I will close with a number of specific action steps you could take (depending on your life stage):

• Sit down at the dinner table at least 3 times a week and eat dinner together, including some conversation about your day.
• Hang out with your kids, either in their room or in your bedroom, at the end of the day and chat about the day.
• Take a walk with your spouse after dinner and hear about their day.
• Call or email your college-age or young adult and ask them what they are looking forward to in the coming weeks.
• Schedule a family gathering for the extended family to get together, share a meal and hang out (keep it simple; it is more likely to happen, and don’t make it mandatory that everyone is able to attend before you schedule it.)
• Have an annual family meeting to communicate how the business has done this past year, what new projects came about, challenges encountered, and the plans for this coming year (keep it global and topical, don’t share specific financial information.)
• Offer to help your adult child on a project they need help on. Let them run the project; don’t offer unasked for advice, and just be their helper.
• Think of your own application of these principles, and write it down here: __________________________________________.

Have fun!

Mother’s Day reflections are helpful and important, I believe, because they remind us to think about our life over a longer time frame. Most of our daily lives are just that, “daily”, and very present-focused. As a result, we tend to not pay attention to the longer trends in our lives — which includes parenting (both being “parented” and parenting our children).

So let me make one or two reflections, both from my mother as well as observations from watching my wife with our four children (now 17, 21, 25 & 25).

From my experience, mothers are:

• Self-sacrificing. Mothers give of themselves from the very state of pregnancy, through birth, infancy and nursing, on throughout their lives. Whether it is biologically-based or not, mothers seem to serve their children in a sacrificial way more than dads do. In fact, one weakness I think many mothers have is that they give too much to others and, as a result, don’t take care of themselves well.
• Able to show love in ways that are meaningful to their children. Although dads obviously love their children, we seem to be more limited in how we communicate our love to our kids (financial provision, discipline). Mothers, though, seem more versatile in their expressions of love — and seem to parallel the five love languages which have been identified: verbal praise, time, touch, gifts, acts of service. Think back to your childhood — how did your mom show you she loved you? Hugs, rubbing your back at night (touch). Telling you that you did a good job (verbal praise). Being there when you got home from school, or attending your school activities (time). Making you your favorite meal for your birthday or helping you get your big homework project done (acts of service). Knowing that you really wanted xy or z for Christmas and making sure you got it (gifts). Moms are great at showing us that they love us — and do so in different ways.
• Available and good listeners. The moms that I know and see who are “connected” with their kids (whether they are school-age, teenagers, or young adults) have a knack for being able to get their children to talk and share what is important to them. And they work at it — they know when their child is upset and also are aware when they aren’t “talking”. Listening takes time — hanging out in the kitchen, running errands together, sitting on their bed at night. And good listening requires putting problem-solving on “hold” — which is why dads typically aren’t as good listeners, we tend to move into problem-solving too quickly.

Obviously, there are lots of other characteristics mothers have, but these stick out to me.

Let me close by sharing why “mothering” is so critical (the points are valid for fathers, too.) Children learn about the world from their early life experiences, and primarily those within the family. In essence, the family is their “world” in the early years. Therefore, whatever experiences and lessons they learn within the family, they tend to generalize to life and the world, as a whole. So if parents are trustworthy (they do what they say they will), children largely believe authority figures can be trusted. When mothers care for their children, give them a sense of security and love, and respond to their needs, then children feel safe to explore the world. Obviously, Erik Erikson and others have expounded on the psychological needs of children (cf. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs).

I believe we are missing this major point in our culture today. In many ways, we have minimized and degraded the importance of parenting, and specifically mothering. Although I am well aware of the economic realities of many families, that both parents may need to work, we also must assert that it is better for a child to be cared for primarily by one of their parents (and I believe mothers are generally better nurturers than dads) in their early life, than to be in a day-care setting.

When asked by young parents on whether a mother should stay home or not, I always say: “Generally speaking, if you can make it financially, the longer you can stay home in the early years, the better. Eight weeks is minimal. Three months is better. Six months is better yet. One year, two years, three years, until kindergarten (or beyond), is incrementally better.” I know it is a sacrifice, but I believe the benefits in the mental health and well-being of the child (and the family) is worth it.

Is this a value-based decision? Yes, largely. And there are exceptions on both sides — mothers who stayed home and it wasn’t healthy for them or the child; and mothers who have worked from early on and their kids are doing great. But it is not good to make decisions based on exceptions.

Regardless, I want to emphasize — mom’s are important, they give something to us that dad’s typically can’t, and we need to give honor and respect to those women who are choosing to invest into their children’s lives (regardless of whether it is full-time or while working outside of the home.)

I don’t mean to sound snub or condescending but, in a lot of ways, having healthy relationships is not that big of deal. Having positive relationships doesn’t have to be as difficult as people want to make it.
I often tell my friends (and sometimes, my clients) that the work I do is not rocket science. Helping families and business families “get along” is not that tough, from a conceptual point of view. The concepts are fairly straightforward.

But the real challenge is in the implementation — in getting individuals and families to do (regularly) those behaviors and tasks that build health in relationships, and to minimize those actions that damage relationships. And, being forthright, it is in the area of implementation that I am worth my weight in gold (ok, maybe not that much — I weigh a fair amount and gold is at $1,000 an ounce.) Probably the one thing I do best is help families do what they should being doing.

Recently, I have been working with some families who are good people, who mean well and have good intentions, but some of them do what they are supposed to occasionally, others practice positive patterns but inconsistently, and some seem afraid to do what is right (almost strictly out of the fear of conflict.)

I previously have written about the six steps to positive relationships, so I won’t repeat those principles. I have some other observations I want to share here.

First, it is amazing to me to see individuals and families who say they want to have good relationships with one another, but they seem to rarely spend any time together. This is true for parents with children living at home, adults who are brothers and sisters, or extended families. Everyone is “busy” (the apparently acceptable excuse for almost anything in our culture). Ok, so let me put it to you bluntly: If you want to have a healthy relationship with another person, it helps (a lot) to spend time with them regularly.

Time is good. But spending time together watching TV, sports on TV, or movies/DVDs is not really going to build your relationship a lot. Talking is good. Talking about something meaningful in your life is better. It is a good start to with sharing about events in your daily life. But you can go to a deeper level if you share about what you are thinking about the future or the challenges you are facing in your daily life. If you are really brave, you might venture into the area of politics, religious / spiritual beliefs, or where you think our country or the world is heading.

There are three intertwined characteristics that I repeatedly observe in healthy families. If you have one of the three, it is helpful; two of the three is really quite good; and if you are “three for three” I am convinced you and your family will enjoy each other for a long time.

Accepting differences, and understanding that disagreeing doesn’t mean someone is necessarily wrong, is a great attribute.

Being able to resolve conflicts in a non-damaging manner is huge.

Forgiving others and learning to “let go” and move on is at the heart of healthy relationships.

Look at the converse of each of these and you will see what I mean. Think about a family (or a relationship) where everyone has to be, act, think, dress or believe the same in order to be OK. Early in a family’s life, this can look ok, but the fabric quickly unravels — because people in family’s are different — they think, act, dress and value things differently. So either you learn to accept, and embrace, the value of differentness or you blow relationships apart.

One of the most common patterns I see that creates major problems in families is their unwillingness or inability to confront one another in a way that allows the relationship to continue. More frequently, families “avoid” confrontation (they don’t actually avoid it, it actually either goes underground, builds up and blows, or goes through indirect channels). Often my role is to help family members sit down and talk about concerns they have with each other and attempt to facilitate the discussion in a manner that both feel “heard” and allows the opportunity to dialogue and problem-solve about the situation. (NOTE: being ok with the other person thinking, acting or believing differently than you is key.)

Families who live without forgiving one another are filled with hurt, anger, resentment and broken relationships. Let’s face it — we all screw up (some of us more than others) and many of us have deeply hurt those close to us. Unfortunate, but true. And I don’t know of any real way someone can “make it up to” another person — either through compensatory actions, apologizing, or admitting they were wrong. The bottom line need is the ability for the offended and hurt to “let it go” and move on. Otherwise, the relationship will always be tainted by “Yea, but you …”

I’m sure there are other aspects we could add, but realistically speaking if you:

*Spend time together
*Talk about meaningful topics
*Accept the other person as being different from you (and that is ok)
*Choose to deal with conflicts constructively
*Forgive others when they hurt you

Then you are going to have a darn good relationship. Not that tough, conceptually. Living it out is a challenge, no doubt. But give it a try. You can do better than you have been, I bet. We all can.

(By the way, it won’t be that helpful to print this out or send it to someone in your family and say “Here are some things you should work on” [or some other more indirect wording]. Rather, work on yourself. That’s the place to start.)

A fair amount of my time professionally is listening to individuals, families and organizations who are experiencing some challenges that they are trying to manage successfully. They describe to me a variety of problems and are looking for insight on what to do.

The issues range from individual behavior and feelings — anxiety about life, problems with anger management, patterns of communication which are viewed as condescending by others, uncertainty about one’s future career path — to problems solidly planted in the midst of relationships (marital conflict, a teenager or young adult who is demonstrating behavior problems and the parents don’t know what to do, a lack of trust among family members). And the challenges also can be more systemic or organizational — the lack of qualified managers who can “step up” to fill the gap when the current senior leaders retire, or current key employees who do not have the characteristics needed to be successful in their role.

Believe it or not, one of the most frequent questions I am asked is: “Do you think this is really a ‘problem’ or is it normal?” In essence, I am being asked: “Is this a ‘normal’ problem or is this something we should be concerned about?”

For example, parents aren’t sure if their teenager’s behavior is “normal teenage rebellion” or something greater. Or a manager doesn’t know if his direct report’s tendency to irritate his coworkers and those who work for him is “ok” and he should just let it ride, or if he should confront the issue.

Often, I give my clients some guidelines in order to determine if the problem is within the normal range of behavior (note that “normal” behavior includes challenges, weaknesses, and problem behavior) or if the pattern should be viewed more seriously. Here are a few ways to tell.

First, let’s clear the air on one viewpoint. Some people attempt to minimize problems they are having by saying: “There are lots of people who struggle with (xyz). It is not that big of a deal.” This is the adult version of the teenage justification, “Everyone is doing it!” The point trying to be made is that X behavior can’t really be problematic if it occurs frequently. Wrong. Ask the children of alcoholics or parents who are physically abusive (two high frequency behavior patterns). The level of frequency of a problem in a society has no bearing on its impact on individuals.

Ok, so here are the guidelines.

Frequency of the behavior. If a problem behavior (e.g. losing your temper and yelling at others) occurs once every six months, that is less of a concern than if the behavior occurs daily. Generally speaking, the more frequent a problem is demonstrated, the more concern there should be.

Intensity. Similarly, if the intensity of the behavior is fairly mild, this might be considered within the ‘normal’ range. But when the intensity is high, there is more concern. For example, if an employee is occasionally late to work five to ten minutes, that is not as significant as showing up two hours late (or not at all!) Anger reactions, drinking too much alcohol, anxiety, not fulfilling commitments made, etc. all fall into this realm.

Duration. If a behavior pattern has existed for 30 years (and potentially has grown worse over that time period), that is more problematic than a behavior that has just shown up recently. If a problem pattern has recently emerged, often we look for other stressors in the person’s life that may be temporary.

Generality. If a behavior pattern is pretty limited to one area of a person’s life, or one specific setting, that is less of a concern than if the behavior pattern can be seen in numerous setting. So if a manager relates to numerous people, in multiple settings, in a condescending or sarcastic way (with colleagues, with supervisors, with clients, with vendors, on the phone, in meetings, in email, out in public), then the “level” of the problem is more severe than if this style of communication only occurred with one vendor.

Impact on other areas of life. Some problem behaviors only impact one area of life (work, marriage, relationship with children). Some guys relate well to people at work and in the community, but treat their family members disrespectfully. Some people worry about their children, but the issue doesn’t bleed over into their work life, so that may not be as big of a concern.

Level of concern reported by numerous parties. When an individual raises issues or concerns about another person, whether it is at work or within a family, I view the situation differently than when the same issue is being raised by numerous people. (This is especially true when the individuals don’t seem to have any secondary gains to realize from reporting the problem.)

So, if we take all the issues together, a “normal” problem behavior is probably displayed infrequently, with mild to moderate intensity, maybe has only existed for a short while, and is fairly limited in its scope of where it is displayed.

Conversely, real “problem” behaviors are seen frequently, can be scary in their intensity, have been around a long time, and occur in numerous areas of the person’s life, and usually is creating significant disturbance in his or her life’s functioning.

One final comment. “Problem” problems need to be addressed. They will not go away on their own. And most significant problems are not easy to solve (if they were, they probably would have already been resolved.) “Problem” problems usually require multiple strategies to correct them successfully.

I’ve been thinking about boundaries lately, and observing how significantly they impact our daily lives.  The lack of boundaries in relationships (or attempts to overstep established boundaries) seem to be a frequent cause of relational tension.

Obviously, there are different levels at which to consider boundaries — at the geopolitical level (e.g. the border between the United States and Mexico), in interpersonal relationships (as wonderfully explained by Cloud and Townsend in their books), and even our physical bodies (our skin provides a boundary between our body and the world around us).

I would like to use the example of our physical body to illustrate a few points about some characteristics of boundaries, and the purposes of boundaries.

First, we need to acknowledge that one purpose of a boundary is to distinguish between A (an object or person)and non-A. This is my body and it is not the same entity as the environment around it. I am me, and I am not you. We are separate beings. Although this seems simple and straightforward, there are many examples and levels at which distinguishing between A and non-A is not that clear cut. When I breathe in, is the air that is in my lungs part of me or is it still separate from me? When I perspire, at what point does the moisture cease to be part of me? The reason this issue needs to be addressed relates directly to the second point about boundaries.

Boundaries serve as a permeable “border” through which we both protect ourselves from the environment and also the mechanism through which we obtain resources and sustenance. Our skin is not a solid piece of fabric which keeps everything out nor keeps everything in. It allows the flow of information and resources between our body and the world around us — it takes in information and things we need (sunlight, moisture) and exhales information (redness of skin when irritated) and unnecessary materials.   This is true in relationships as well, either at the personal level, organizationally and politically.  We do not exist as self-sufficient beings independent from the world around us.  We interact and interchange with those around us — this is the nature of relationship.

In organizations (companies, community groups, churches, etc.) , boundaries (sometimes known as membership) help define who is and who is not part of the group.  Who can participate?  Who can provide input for direction?  Who has the rights of membership?  Who, as leaders, are we to care for and look after?  If membership in a group is unclear, then the processes of the organization become confusing and the resources can be squandered on those who are really not a part of the team.  What is required of members — what resources are they expected to bring to the organization?

Boundaries have a very direct relationship to responsibility (and often in the context of role definitiion).  What (or for whom) am I responsible?  I often see the issue of responsibility become a major source of tension in relationships — within families, family-owned businesses, companies, between businesses and customers, and businesses and vendors.  Individuals and companies who do a good job of clarifying expectations and responsibility in their relationships with others tend to have happier, non-conflictual relationships.

Let me cite some common problems with boundaries that I observe.

    1. Parents continuing to take responsibility for their children’s lives, in inappropriate ways or beyond the normal stage of life for that responsibility.  Most commonly, parents of adult children continue to take responsibility for their children’s financial well-being — rescuing them from a series of poor decisions or “helping them out” so their children will not have to experience some difficulty in their lives.

    2. Children placing responsibility (or blame) on their parents for their (the child’s) life experience.  Sometimes this is financial (”I lost my cell phone but don’t have the money to replace it.  You have money.    Therefore, you should get me a new phone.”)  But it is often at the emotional level — “I’m not happy.  I want x.  If you really cared about me, you would do x for me.  Then I’ll be happy.” 

    3. Family members confusing family and business roles.  One of the core challenges of family owned businesses is clarifying and maintaining appropriate boundaries between the family system and the business systems (ownership and management).  Often I see patriarchs wanting to help their adult children earn a good living (better than they would be able to get on their own in the marketplace) and put them in a position within the business that the individual is not qualified to handle responsibly — to the detriment of the business.  As a business owner, this is their right.  They can do whatever they want with the business they own.  However, in addition to hurting the business, this choice often leads to unintended negative consequences within the family and also often undermines the personal development of their child.

I would encourage you to reflect on the relationships in your life and examine the boundaries you have established (or attempt to).  Is the boundary too permeable?  Do you let in “toxins” from others that you need to keep out?  Or do you create such a firm boundary, keeping others at a distance and not letting them “in”, that you isolate yourself from the resources you need to live a healthy life?  Do you feel others try to place responsibility (or blame) on you that really isn’t yours to carry?  [If so, you may want to review my previous entries on dealing with dysfunctional individuals.] Additionally, in your work, pay attention to the relationships your company or organization has with others.  Are the boundaries well defined?  Is it clear who is responsible for what?  If you have ongoing conflicts with customers, vendors or strategic partners, then I would suggest you need to look closely at your boundaries, or how they are not being clearly communicated to others.

“Networking” is obviously not only about trying to use relational contacts to find a job or find a quality person for a position you are trying to fill.  We use our social networks for a variety of purposes — finding quality professionals or technicians for tasks we need to get done, locating charitable organizations that are good stewards of the monies given them, or learning about areas of life we have limited experience or knowledge.  Since my article / blog on networking, I have had a number of people talk to me about their own networking experiences, and I have had a couple of unique experiences as well.

I also remembered an issue of Forbes magazine, their 90th anniversary issue on May 7, 2007, which they dedicated to “The Power of Networking”.  However, they were discussing networking in the broader context of networking through the Internet (Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, and other professional networks.)   One of the articles discussed some of the reasons people are reluctant to network.  I thought they were worth mentioning, along with some of my own observations.

People don’t like to network because:

  1.  It takes repetitive inititative.  Calling people, sending emails, going to social events to interact with others, setting up appointments — all take time and emotional energy.  And for some people (those who are more introverted) it can take a lot of energy.  It wouldn’t be as bad if we knew that the process was time-limited or defined according to a certain number of contacts.  One of the wearing aspects of networking is its open-ended nature and that we must continue reaching out to others repeatedly. 

  2. It can feel “fake”.  Networking can feel artificial and even manipulative when you are trying to connect with others for the sole purpose of getting your need met (finding a job, making a sale).  One antidote to this objection is to always include as part of your interaction to focus on what you can do for the other person.  Seeing how you can help them be more successful, or connecting them with resources you know, can normalize the interaction (and also build positive rapport that may be helpful to you at some later point in your life).

  3. There is a lot of anxiety associated with the whole experience.  Meeting with people outside of your normal social group challenges us in many ways.  We may not fully comprehend what they do, understand the language and acronyms they use, or feel competent in their social milieu.  Additionally, it is often awkward to ask for someone else’s time, knowledge and social connections, especially when we perceive the other person as important, successful or busy. 

  4. It is easier to network with those who are like you.  This is true, but generally speaking, meeting with people who are already in your larger social network will probably not be that productive in generating new and different types of connections that you wouldn’t be able to reach on your own.  If you are networking because you have a need, often your self-confidence is shaky, your emotional energy is low and it is more natural to make “easy” contacts rather than those that will stretch you, but which may yield greater benefits.

I myself, a highly social individual, get tired of meeting, greeting, social chit-chat, making requests, responding to requests, and reaching out to others.

The other night, at an awards banquet for non-profit organizations in our community, my 24 year old son sat at the table with my wife and I, and a number of business friends.  Our friends were asking Daniel about his thoughts on Facebook and MySpace — how they impacted relationships and his general impression of them as a social tool.  After sharing a variety of observations, he reported one of the challenges of the social network opportunities available now through the Internet is that “you can only keep up a certain number of relationships.”  This is a true statement, whether you are taking about Internet connections or face-to-face relationships.  Obviously, some people have more social capacity than others, but this is a limiting factor I think we need to keep in mind for ourselves (to help us have realistic expectations of ourselves) as we continue to connect with people in our daily life interactions.

In my work with people, I often deal with individuals’ reactions to situations as well as communication issues between co-workers and family members. As a result, in the process of working through these issues, people often say to me, “Well, you know, perception is reality.” Sometimes they say this to explain how miscommunication occurred with another person, or why they feel the way they do.

I am not sure of the origin of the phrase, “perception is reality”, (although I would bet it comes from some realm of psychology — and for those who know me, that is not necessarily a positive statement.) And I am unaware if it is being espoused frequently in the media, but I sure seem to being hearing it more and more.

The problem is — it is not true. At least, not always.

There is a verifiable reality that exists. And sometimes our perceptions (or beliefs about the world) do not match reality. In the physical realm, that is the basis for illusionists — they are able to make things appear different than they really are. Also, there are those tricks of nature that our senses can play on us that can lead us to misinterpret what is really happening (having a sense of your body being warm while you are in the beginning stages of hypothermia).

But in day to day life, I see the mismatch between perception and reality more practically. Here are some examples.

Miscommunication.  The classic example is the scenario like this:  “You said ….”  “I did not.  I said ….” “Oh, but I thought you said ….”  “No. What I said (or at least, thought I did) was …”  “But I thought you said …”  If we stick with the perception is reality proposition, this leads to major problems in communication.  This is true for both parties.  For the initial speaker, “what I thought” does not necessarily equal “what I said”.  And “what I said” is not necessarily the same thing as “what I meant”.  Similarly, for the listener, “what I heard you say” may not be the equivalent to “what you said”.  So perception may be perception, but it may not be what actually occurred.

The mismatch between feeling reactions and reality. I often see the disconnect between reality and perception in the area of worrying. Being worried or anxious is essentially a smaller version of being afraid (there is a qualitative difference between being terrified or afraid for one’s safety and being worried or concerned). However, the realm of worry and anxiety have to do with potential events that may happen. They always have to do with the future. The challenge is — not everything people worry about is reality-based. Those who struggle significantly with anxiety can worry daily about their loved ones being killed in a car accident on the way to school or work. Or they can worry about the stock market crashing, losing all of their savings, and winding up being homeless.

[NOTE: One way we can manage our fears and worries is to do a “reality check” — what is the actual likelihood of x event happening today? Has x happened before? How many times? Even if x happens, does that necessarily mean y will happen? And even in the unlikely event that x happens and y also happens, what are all of the circumstances that need to be in place for z then to occur? The chances are incredibly slim. So, how much time and energy do you want to spend worrying about a series of incidents that will probably not happen?]

Misinterpretation of a situation.  Some people make quick judgments.  Sometimes this is to their benefit.  But, in other cases, it can lead to misjudging what is going on in a situation.  In working with kids and teens, I have often seen a scenario where a fairly impulsive student, who also views themselves as the ‘protector’ of others will come into a room and see a couple of guys “scuffling”.  They have each other in headlocks and are throwing one another around the room.  The self-appointed “hero” sees the guys “fighting” and promptly dives in, tackles one of the fighters, taking him to the ground, and yells, “Break it up!” (Frequently someone gets hurt in the process.)  It is then that the hero finds out that the two boys were just “horsing around” and it was a good-natured tussle between two friends.  The two “fighters” wind up being angry at the hero for interfering with their fun and over-reacting to the situation.  Unfortunately, this happens in the adult world as well — where someone misinteprets a situation and reacts inappropriately because of their misperception.  Truly, in these situations, perception is not reality.

Inaccurate beliefs about the way the world is. For instance, in doing career coaching with individuals, many people believe that finding a job that meets their needs and desires should be fairly easy and should happen within a matter of weeks. So they “dive in” looking and applying for jobs.  After several weeks with no job, they begin to become discouraged (our feeling reactions are inter-related with our expectations) and begin to question if they are pursuing the right career direction.  Self-doubt also sets in, wondering if they are capable of finding the type of job they want and whether they are really marketable.  The reality is that finding a job which is a good fit for you takes a lot of time and energy. Usually three to six months, or longer. And this reality is demonstrated time and time again (one of the aspects of “reality” is that it can be verified empirically).

Misattribution of motive. Probably the most damaging form of misperception is the case of attributing a certain motive to someone else’s action, and being quite far off the mark.  This happens in marriages a lot, it seems.  And it can be the result of either an overt action (that is, something you did) or the absence of an action (something you didn’t do but the other person thought you should have).  Let me state something clearly — most of us aren’t fully clear why we do what we do, let alone being able to understand the motives of another.  It is always best to ask (and hopefully, believe) the other person, “Why did you …?”  It can be helpful to start with the phrase, “I’m confused. Can you help me understand why you…?” (It seems to take the accusatory edge off of the interaction.)  There are tons of examples, more than I want to go into (and for fear of incriminating myself).  Let me just suggest: we often get “bent out of shape” with others because we attribute a reason for their action or inaction that is not accurate.

There are other examples of perception not equaling reality, but I think that is enough for now.  Maybe use these ideas to frame your own thoughts when you hear: “Well, you know, perception is reality.”  Maybe.  Maybe not.