“Networking” is obviously not only about trying to use relational contacts to find a job or find a quality person for a position you are trying to fill.  We use our social networks for a variety of purposes — finding quality professionals or technicians for tasks we need to get done, locating charitable organizations that are good stewards of the monies given them, or learning about areas of life we have limited experience or knowledge.  Since my article / blog on networking, I have had a number of people talk to me about their own networking experiences, and I have had a couple of unique experiences as well.

I also remembered an issue of Forbes magazine, their 90th anniversary issue on May 7, 2007, which they dedicated to “The Power of Networking”.  However, they were discussing networking in the broader context of networking through the Internet (Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, and other professional networks.)   One of the articles discussed some of the reasons people are reluctant to network.  I thought they were worth mentioning, along with some of my own observations.

People don’t like to network because:

  1.  It takes repetitive inititative.  Calling people, sending emails, going to social events to interact with others, setting up appointments — all take time and emotional energy.  And for some people (those who are more introverted) it can take a lot of energy.  It wouldn’t be as bad if we knew that the process was time-limited or defined according to a certain number of contacts.  One of the wearing aspects of networking is its open-ended nature and that we must continue reaching out to others repeatedly. 

  2. It can feel “fake”.  Networking can feel artificial and even manipulative when you are trying to connect with others for the sole purpose of getting your need met (finding a job, making a sale).  One antidote to this objection is to always include as part of your interaction to focus on what you can do for the other person.  Seeing how you can help them be more successful, or connecting them with resources you know, can normalize the interaction (and also build positive rapport that may be helpful to you at some later point in your life).

  3. There is a lot of anxiety associated with the whole experience.  Meeting with people outside of your normal social group challenges us in many ways.  We may not fully comprehend what they do, understand the language and acronyms they use, or feel competent in their social milieu.  Additionally, it is often awkward to ask for someone else’s time, knowledge and social connections, especially when we perceive the other person as important, successful or busy. 

  4. It is easier to network with those who are like you.  This is true, but generally speaking, meeting with people who are already in your larger social network will probably not be that productive in generating new and different types of connections that you wouldn’t be able to reach on your own.  If you are networking because you have a need, often your self-confidence is shaky, your emotional energy is low and it is more natural to make “easy” contacts rather than those that will stretch you, but which may yield greater benefits.

I myself, a highly social individual, get tired of meeting, greeting, social chit-chat, making requests, responding to requests, and reaching out to others.

The other night, at an awards banquet for non-profit organizations in our community, my 24 year old son sat at the table with my wife and I, and a number of business friends.  Our friends were asking Daniel about his thoughts on Facebook and MySpace — how they impacted relationships and his general impression of them as a social tool.  After sharing a variety of observations, he reported one of the challenges of the social network opportunities available now through the Internet is that “you can only keep up a certain number of relationships.”  This is a true statement, whether you are taking about Internet connections or face-to-face relationships.  Obviously, some people have more social capacity than others, but this is a limiting factor I think we need to keep in mind for ourselves (to help us have realistic expectations of ourselves) as we continue to connect with people in our daily life interactions.

In my work with people, I often deal with individuals’ reactions to situations as well as communication issues between co-workers and family members. As a result, in the process of working through these issues, people often say to me, “Well, you know, perception is reality.” Sometimes they say this to explain how miscommunication occurred with another person, or why they feel the way they do.

I am not sure of the origin of the phrase, “perception is reality”, (although I would bet it comes from some realm of psychology — and for those who know me, that is not necessarily a positive statement.) And I am unaware if it is being espoused frequently in the media, but I sure seem to being hearing it more and more.

The problem is — it is not true. At least, not always.

There is a verifiable reality that exists. And sometimes our perceptions (or beliefs about the world) do not match reality. In the physical realm, that is the basis for illusionists — they are able to make things appear different than they really are. Also, there are those tricks of nature that our senses can play on us that can lead us to misinterpret what is really happening (having a sense of your body being warm while you are in the beginning stages of hypothermia).

But in day to day life, I see the mismatch between perception and reality more practically. Here are some examples.

Miscommunication.  The classic example is the scenario like this:  “You said ….”  “I did not.  I said ….” “Oh, but I thought you said ….”  “No. What I said (or at least, thought I did) was …”  “But I thought you said …”  If we stick with the perception is reality proposition, this leads to major problems in communication.  This is true for both parties.  For the initial speaker, “what I thought” does not necessarily equal “what I said”.  And “what I said” is not necessarily the same thing as “what I meant”.  Similarly, for the listener, “what I heard you say” may not be the equivalent to “what you said”.  So perception may be perception, but it may not be what actually occurred.

The mismatch between feeling reactions and reality. I often see the disconnect between reality and perception in the area of worrying. Being worried or anxious is essentially a smaller version of being afraid (there is a qualitative difference between being terrified or afraid for one’s safety and being worried or concerned). However, the realm of worry and anxiety have to do with potential events that may happen. They always have to do with the future. The challenge is — not everything people worry about is reality-based. Those who struggle significantly with anxiety can worry daily about their loved ones being killed in a car accident on the way to school or work. Or they can worry about the stock market crashing, losing all of their savings, and winding up being homeless.

[NOTE: One way we can manage our fears and worries is to do a “reality check” — what is the actual likelihood of x event happening today? Has x happened before? How many times? Even if x happens, does that necessarily mean y will happen? And even in the unlikely event that x happens and y also happens, what are all of the circumstances that need to be in place for z then to occur? The chances are incredibly slim. So, how much time and energy do you want to spend worrying about a series of incidents that will probably not happen?]

Misinterpretation of a situation.  Some people make quick judgments.  Sometimes this is to their benefit.  But, in other cases, it can lead to misjudging what is going on in a situation.  In working with kids and teens, I have often seen a scenario where a fairly impulsive student, who also views themselves as the ‘protector’ of others will come into a room and see a couple of guys “scuffling”.  They have each other in headlocks and are throwing one another around the room.  The self-appointed “hero” sees the guys “fighting” and promptly dives in, tackles one of the fighters, taking him to the ground, and yells, “Break it up!” (Frequently someone gets hurt in the process.)  It is then that the hero finds out that the two boys were just “horsing around” and it was a good-natured tussle between two friends.  The two “fighters” wind up being angry at the hero for interfering with their fun and over-reacting to the situation.  Unfortunately, this happens in the adult world as well — where someone misinteprets a situation and reacts inappropriately because of their misperception.  Truly, in these situations, perception is not reality.

Inaccurate beliefs about the way the world is. For instance, in doing career coaching with individuals, many people believe that finding a job that meets their needs and desires should be fairly easy and should happen within a matter of weeks. So they “dive in” looking and applying for jobs.  After several weeks with no job, they begin to become discouraged (our feeling reactions are inter-related with our expectations) and begin to question if they are pursuing the right career direction.  Self-doubt also sets in, wondering if they are capable of finding the type of job they want and whether they are really marketable.  The reality is that finding a job which is a good fit for you takes a lot of time and energy. Usually three to six months, or longer. And this reality is demonstrated time and time again (one of the aspects of “reality” is that it can be verified empirically).

Misattribution of motive. Probably the most damaging form of misperception is the case of attributing a certain motive to someone else’s action, and being quite far off the mark.  This happens in marriages a lot, it seems.  And it can be the result of either an overt action (that is, something you did) or the absence of an action (something you didn’t do but the other person thought you should have).  Let me state something clearly — most of us aren’t fully clear why we do what we do, let alone being able to understand the motives of another.  It is always best to ask (and hopefully, believe) the other person, “Why did you …?”  It can be helpful to start with the phrase, “I’m confused. Can you help me understand why you…?” (It seems to take the accusatory edge off of the interaction.)  There are tons of examples, more than I want to go into (and for fear of incriminating myself).  Let me just suggest: we often get “bent out of shape” with others because we attribute a reason for their action or inaction that is not accurate.

There are other examples of perception not equaling reality, but I think that is enough for now.  Maybe use these ideas to frame your own thoughts when you hear: “Well, you know, perception is reality.”  Maybe.  Maybe not.

Last posting I described dysfunctional people and what behavior patterns characterize them.  That is really the easy part.  The tough part is learning how to deal with dysfunctional people in our lives — whether they are family members, coworkers, employees, or neighbors — and to do so in a way that doesn’t make us go crazy (or so we don’t commit murder!)

The first clue to dealing effectively with dysfunctional individuals is to give up the expectation that they will respond in a healthy way (to whatever action you choose to take).  Usually, no matter what you do, you will feel blamed and they will be angry — it is the classic example of “damned if do, damned if you don’t.”  If you talk to them, they are angry.  If you don’t talk to them, they are offended.  If you have somebody else talk to them, you’ll be in trouble, too. So, really — you have to give it up — typically, you will not be able to fix the situation.  At best, you may be able to do “damage control”.

Accepting that you cannot change the other person (their thoughts, viewpoint, ways of behaving or their choices) is the second step.  No matter what you say, what you offer, or what you do — you will not be able to change how they are approaching the situation (the exception to this is to totally “give in” to them and give them what they want.  But this will just buy you a short period of peace, until they want something else from you.  And “giving in” doesn’t change them, it just reinforces their actions.)  You may be “right” in your position.  You may have the wisdom of Solomon.  Your life may be in a lot better shape than theirs.  It doesn’t matter.  They are not going to listen to you.

Probably the most important step that many people fail to complete is to set boundaries around what you are and what you are not willing to do.  Most of us try to change the other person. When that fails, we either “give in” to their demands (just to calm them down) or we totally distance ourselves from them; in essence, we break off the relationship (quit our job; refuse to talk to them anymore).  However, there is middle ground — although it is difficult to successful “walk in”.  This is telling them (after deliberating on what the options are and their potential consequences) what you are willing to do in the situation (give them x amount of money one last time [don’t loan it to them, because they will never repay it anyway]) and what you are not willing to do (give or loan them 3 times x amount — which is how much they are asking for.)  The problem is — they will hound you and badger you, blame you, accuse you of being insensitive and greedy, trying to get you to change your mind.  Often, it is easier to “give in”.  But if you do, you are just continuing the dysfuctional pattern.

There are a number of interrelated steps that are critical to being able to follow through when setting boundaries with others.

  1) Realize that the current “crisis” is probably not a crisis (you could see it coming a long time ago) and they will be able to live through it.

  2) Remember that if you “help them out” this time, you will be expected to help them out again (because the issue is really their misbeliefs about life and the resulting poor choices they make, and they will continue to do so.)

  3) Do not accept false guilt from the dysfunctional person.  The whole problem is not your fault and it is not your responsibility to fix the problem or rescue them.

  4) Talk with and get support from others whom you believe are functional.  You need affirmation that you are thinking clearly and responding appropriately to the situation.  Otherwise, you will start to second-guess yourself and may “give in”, thinking “just this once won’t hurt.” 

Now all of this can sound rather hopeless — can’t people change?  Yes, they can.  But they have to decide they want to change.  And often, individuals with severely unhealthy patterns have to “hit the wall” of reality — that their beliefs about life and their way of living doesn’t really work because they don’t match the way the world really works.  Continuing to “help them out” only prolongs their dysfuctional patterns because they are not experiencing the true (and usually hard) consequences of their approach to life.  So the best way to help them is to not “help” them.

One thing is probably certain — they will not be happy with you or your choice — possibly for several months or years, unless they finally “get it”.  Then they may come back and thank you for forcing them to take a honest look at themselves and starting to take responsibility for the choices they make.  But don’t hold your breath.

Last entry we briefly discussed how one’s early life experiences shapes a person’s worldview and often continues to impact your values and decisions long into adulthood. I thought it would be good to extend this discussion into the realm of dysfunctional families.

First, it is important (to me, at least) to communicate that I am as tired as anyone by our culture’s propensity to blame someone (or something else) for poor choices individuals make. (For example, I was upset by the media’s immediate reaction to blame the administrators of Virginia Tech for not responding more quickly after the assassin’s first series of murders - or their susequent blaming of mental health professionals for not “locking up” the murderer when they knew he was mentally ill.  Let’s get the blame right - they young man shot and killed people. He is responsible for his actions. The media also needs to understand the laws that are currently in place regarding a professional’s “duty to warn” before they start popping off in ignorance. [The laws may need be revised, but that is a separate discussion.])

I am not looking to attribute primary responsibility to a person’s parents or a “messed up” family for their own pattern of making repeated bad choices. I am clearly not into vicimization (making everyone who has a problem an innocent victim of someone else’s actions). Obvioulsly, there are lots of very healthy people who have come out of terrible family situations. However, other people’s actions can have a significant effect on us, especially those of our parents and family members. So let’s look at this dynamic, to try to gain a bettr understanding of what happens and why.

Let’s start by defining “dysfunctional.” “Dys” always means ‘problem’ - dysexics have problems with words (primarily reading), dysgraphics struggle with writing.  And dysfunctional individuals have problems with functioning well in the real world. It is not a pejorative or judgmental term (to me, at least) but rather is descriptive - these people are having a hard time getting along in their daily lives.

Similarly, a dysfunctional family is one that lives in a way that demonstrates significant problems in life — in relationships, at work, in their finances, managing their feelings, communications, and so on. As I have stated previously, one of my friends likes to say, “All families are dysfunctional, but some are more than others.” This is a true statement. Dysfunctionality (and conversely, functionality) exists on a continuum - from mildly to moderately to severely, and so forth. So, we all fit into the category somewhere and somehow.

Practically speaking, what does a dysfunctional individual look like? Here are some common behaviors I have observed (and, unfortunately, have experienced in some relationships):

  *After spending time with them , you feel “fogged” — like you aren’t thinging clearly.
  *You thought you were thinking correctly about a situation, but after being with them, you now feel your approach to life is being questioned.
  *You feel blamed for the other person’s situation.
  *You consistently find yourself making choices on the basis on how the other person will react (because you don’t want to “make them mad”)
  *You feel responsible to “fix” a situation that is a result of another person’s (repetitive) choices.
  *You feel if you were a “good person” you maybe should help them out.
  *You are concerned about how innocent people (e.g. children) will suffer from the poor choices made by another person.
  *Other people are mad at you because you won’t “help them out” (just this once!).
  *You are being blamed for being unresonable and insensitive to their situation.
  *You have been in this situation before (or one very similar to it) with this person. Probably, previously you “helped them out” and they are in the same again.
  *You have concerned that if you don’t rescue them from their current situation, the consequences are so significant that it may ruin their life in the future.
  *You feel pressured to make an immediate dcision to “help out,” even though the problem has been developing for quite a while.
  *You feel “smothered;” the other person wants to get too close too soon or they cut off the relationship totally, for seemingly little slights.

Individuals who behave in these ways typically (although not always) learned more of these patterns from their families. This is where the issue of early life experiences comes in. Most of us learn about the “world” from our family, because initially our family and home is our primary “world” (but this has changed with the increasing use of babysitters, daycare centers and preschools).

In our early years we learn important lessons - whether the world is safe or not, whether other people (primarily our caretakers) are caring and loving, whether they can be trusted and are predictable, what happens when we make mistakes, whether we will be protected or whether we have to protect ourselves, and so on.

The problem arises when individuals are raised in homes where the “rules” and patterns of behavoir don’t really match the way healthy relationships occur in the world outside of the family. This is most clearly evident in homes with addictions (alcoholism, drugs, gambling, spending) or severe mental illness (depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, bipolar disorders, etc.). Individuals who struggle with these issues usually develop behavior patterns to try to “cope” with life, but their choices often lead to other problems.

Dysfunctional families often exhibit a number of the following relational / communication patterns:

  >Deceit (overt lying, not telling the whole story, or hiding the truth)
  >Indirect Communication (talking “through” others)
  >Inconsistent and unpredictable behavior
  >Volatile and explosive expression of feelings (usually anger)
  >Having a sense of entitlement (”I deserve..because I want it.”)
  >Blaming others, making excuses for one’s poor choices
  >Having to meet your desires now
  >Escaping from reality (through TV, videogames, drugs, alcohol, sleep)
  >Holding on to grudges and seeking revege
  >Making verbal commitments with little or no follow-through
  >Focusing primarily on one’s public image and appearance
  >Disagreement leading to anger, “personal” attacks and hatred
  >Trying to control others through guilt, shame or anger

This is the reason that individuals who grow up in seriously dysfunctional families often have struggles later in life. Their early life history and experiences skew their views of what life and relationships should be like. For example, when a child grows up in a home where the father comes home drunk and is easily angered, the child learns to “stay out of the way.” They also learn to “cover their tracks” so they don’t get in trouble (or beat) when they have made a mistake.  And it is actually “functional” for children in these types of settings to lie - to protect themselves, their siblings or their mother. The problem comes when they are no longer in that relational environment and they transfer these behaviors to the other settings and relationships. That is when they become “dysfunctional” - that is, these behaviors no longer function well in the world they currently live.

I think I’ll stop there for now. Hopefully, this gives some insight into “dysfuntionality” as we encounter it in our lives (always in other people, right?). Next entry I may address ways we can manage situations we find ourselves in daily interactions with others who live in this manner.

Sometimes the obvious becomes lost in the clutter of day to day living. Recently, in a number of small ways, I was reminded of how each person’s own personal life history shapes their view of the world, and thus, their expectations. These personal beliefs then translate into choices a person makes and their reactions to life circumstances.

Let me cite a few examples that illustrate the point. As part of my work with successful business families across the country, I am fortunate to be able to interview them and hear their life histories. What is fascinating, and educating to me is how clearly one can see the connection between the individuals’ stated (and lived out) life values, the coices that they have made over time, and their stated goals for the future — and their own personal life history (and often, their parents’ life experiences, as well.)

For example, Marjorie (all names are made up and some facts are changed to maintain confidentiality) grew up in East Texas during the Depression. Her father was a subsistence farmer and life was difficult, but they were making it. They then endured and survived the Dust Bowl years (1930s). Just when they were starting to do a little better, the U.S. government came along and purchased their farmland in order to build a military installation. Unfortunately, the government didn’t pay much for the land, and it was a huge setback for her father and their family. To this day, Marjorie feels like the government tends to “take” more than it gives and she is adamant in her family’s wealth transfer planning (she and her husband have become quite successful in their business) that the government will receive no money through estate taxes even if it means her children and grandchildren receive less money. Obviously, her early life experience dramatically shaped her thinking.

For advisors who work consistently with individuals who lived through the Great Depression or Dust Bowl of the 1930s, we have come to expectd certain characteristics that developed from their early life experiences. Members of the “Greatest Generation” (as Tom Brokaw has described them) tend to be extremely frugal, they save everything (string, nuts and bolts, coffee cans, almost anything you can think of), they have plenty of extra food in their cabinets, and they are usually “tight” with their money (but they are also generous with their family!)

In comparison, members of the Baby Boomer generation (those born from post-WWII through the late 1950’s) had a very different early life experience. Life was fairly stable (although they lived in the anxiety-ridden Cold War period). They grew up in homes where the core value was “working hard”. Typically, their father’s primary role was that of provider, and their mother was in charge of taking care of the family and the home (although she often worked part-time outside of the home or went to work once the children were in school). The Boomers generally have a positive view of life — they have experienced economic growth, significant improvement in their lifestyles, and incredible developments in science.

Later generations (those raised in the 60’s and 70’s), Generation X, Generation Y and beyond have had different early life experiences again. Generally speaking, they have been raised in various levels of affluence (clearly no where near the poverty or survival levels of their grandparents). Much of the focus has been on them being “happy”, with a lot of time and resources devoted to entertainment (TV, movies, cable, DVDs, computer games, Gameboys, Xbox, Wii, etc.), involvement in sports, personal development (dance lessons, music lessons), and academic achievement (getting “good grades”, at least). Many believe (myself included) that a large number of the younger generations have very different expectations about life and about work. One interesting read is Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled–and More Miserable Than Ever Before by Jean Twenge, Ph.D. (I may review the major points of this book later).

One point to consider is: if you are having a hard time understanding another person in your life — whether they are family (parent/child/grandchild), friends, or coworkers — it may be useful to sit down and learn more about them. Find out about their life — what they have gone through, what they have overcome, the challenges they have experienced, and the people and events that have significantly influenced their lives. And, if they are interested, share some of your life story with them, as well.  The process and discussions may take some time, but seek to understand their life experience and how this has impacted their worldview.  (I am also finding it helpful to reflect on my life and see the connections with some of the issues I am dealing with.)  You may not fully understand or agree with their thinking — and you almost certainly won’t change them.  But I find that a small dose of understanding often leads to an increased measure of patience and empathy.

This past weekend, I had the privilege of facilitating a family retreat in Northern California. I have been working with this family for a couple of years. As a result, we have done some previous communication training together on foundational issues of listening and understanding how your personality styles impact communicating with others.

So they were ready to work on some additional skills to utilize in building relationships with others. One skill set we worked on this weekend was related to ways you can assist the person with whom you are talking to better understand you.

Providing the context of your thoughts was one action we practiced. What I have found is that when we give each other the context of our thoughts – that is, the reason or purpose of our sharing — this greatly enhances others’ ability to understand us – and to do so more quickly, as well. And obviously, if we share the context prior to the start of the discussion, this is most helpful (rather than waiting to see the quizzical look on their face showing that they have no idea what we are talking about.)

One of the problems in talking together with others, is that you know “where you are coming from”, what you have been thinking about, and the purpose (in your mind) of the conversation. However, the other person often has no clue. So when you start talking, it can take the other person a while to figure out why you are sharing what you are and what you want from them in response.

So the more you can give them the context of the situation, the more likely they will understand you (with less effort on your part) and the less likely they will misinterpret what you are trying to say (and, possibly, they may be less defensive).

This approach is helpful in all types of relationships, but we will use family and personal relationship examples here. Let’s look at six different contexts for communication (the list is not meant to be exhaustive.)

Different Contexts for Communication

1. Transferring information.

“I just want to share about my day …” “I wanted to let you know that …”

The purpose is just that – to share information with you that they would like you to know. There is no response needed or expected (except that you are listening.)

2. Connecting relationally.

“I’d like to share what I have been thinking about ..”

The goal of this type of communication is often the desire that I want you to know me better. I want you to understand me. In this situation, a response is expected – that you demonstrate understanding by active listening (in some cases, paraphrasing what you have heard me say.)

3. Getting feedback.

I’d like your input on something …” “Am I thinking clearly on this? …”

There are times when we want input from others on how we are thinking and behaving. It is often helpful to get honest feedback from a friend or family member. It is critical in this situation to make sure you understand the core issue before responding. Ask clarifying questions. “So are you concerned about … or is … the issue?” Then you are ready to share your observations.

4. Asking for advice.

“I have a dilemma … What do you think I should do?”

The typical response (giving advice immediately) usually leads to problems. Rather, it is often best to gather additional information needed before responding. First, make sure you understand the situation and what part of it is of concern to them. Then ask who else they have gotten input from and what it was (or what have they already tried). This keeps your advice from getting “shot down” (“Oh, I already tried that and it didn’t work.”)

5. Making a request / Solving a Problem.

“I was wondering if you would…” “Last night, xyz happened. Could you …?

Again, it is best to clarify exactly what is desired and the goal to be achieved first (even before agreeing to help). Then define the expectations regarding responsibility and timing (who is to do what? by when?). Finally, develop an action plan together and make sure it will accomplish the desired goal.

ASIDE: There are two common problems in communication about requests. First, a number of people make indirect requests – they hint at what they want, rather than asking directly. Secondly, many guys interpret almost any sharing by another as a request for help or that they should “solve the problem”. This is frustrating for many wives (guys, reread numbers 1 & 2 above).

6. Addressing issues in your relationship.

“I’m feeling _____ with you because _____.”

Let’s face it, this type of scenario usually accompanies a “negative” feeling (hurt, angry, frustrated), and it is the type of interaction most men dread with their wives (men rarely have this type of interaction with other guys.) So, for women, my advice is: try to have as many other types of interactions as possible, and use this interaction sparingly. And for guys, try not to get defensive. Listen. Try to understand the other person’s perspective. And don’t make excuses – it won’t help (and probably isn’t true), and won’t lead the discussion anywhere good. The best response is to first make sure you understand both the feeling and the reason for the feeling. Then ask: “What would you like from me?” Then, if possible, agree to some action step in response.

So, give it a try. See if providing a little introduction or context before your interactions with others helps smooth them out and makes the communication process go better. Or if you have some other suggestions, I’d love to hear those as well.