Recently, I was working with a husband and wife who also own and run a business together. One of the issues that came up was their differences in communicating, and how this creates challenges in their relationship (both personally and as co-managers).

I used a “word picture” that helped illustrate the difficulties they are experiencing in communicating with one another. [Like most things, word pictures have their pro’s & con’s. On the one hand, they can powerfully paint an image that drives home a key concept. On the other hand, if taken too far they “break down” in their ability to communicate clearly.]

Women often say to me, about their husband, “He just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand what I am trying to say.” They go on to complain about how he is a poor communicator and a terrible listener. While this may be true, I try to explain the situation this way.

Communication is not “all or nothing”. Most guys can communicate some (give us a break here, gals). But how they communicate and what they communicate are often qualitatively different than the messages their wives send.

It is like this. There is a broad spectrum of communication media. In the old days (only used rarely now), there was morse code. Morse code is made of those beeps that make up dots and dashes on telegraph wires. Beep, beep, (pause), beeeep, beep . . . There is a single tone. It has no words (the sounds make up letters, which make up words) but it is a form of communication.

Then there is AM radio. More information is sent — including words and music. But the spectrum of the frequency of sound communicated is limited — it can sound sort of “tinny”. But it is a lot more full than morse code. We then can move to FM radio – a deeper, richer fuller sound and tone. There is a richness communicated in classical music (and classic rock) that AM radio just can’t do.

But we are still only sending audio information. So let’s move to television — starting with black and white, and then color. Now we have a whole new set of information being communicated — auditory + visual — we get pictures and moving visual images versus just sound. The breadth of information that is communicated has multiplied significantly.

Finally, let’s go to 3D movies (with THX sound, of course). Wow, now you are talking! Rich, loud sound. Beautiful color images that look like real life in three dimensions. The breadth, depth and scope of what is being communicated is amazing.

The problem is: some people (usually guys) are only built with the equipment to send and/or receive morse code or AM radio frequencies. So it doesn’t matter how hard their wife tries to communicate effectively in television or 3D mode, he only “gets” part of the information. The rest of the waves just harmlessly bounce off of his forehead. He truly doesn’t get it. And for many, guys. They just can’t. They don’t understand the depth of feelings and emotions their wives experience and try to share.

So now matter how hard he tries, or how hard she tries, there is an element of lack of connection. It (usually) isn’t because he doesn’t want to; he just can’t communicate at the same level — he doesn’t think that way (e.g. in color, if he is a black & white TV), and the messages don’t get through to him.

Sorry to burst some of your bubbles, gals (some of you younger wives won’t believe me yet) with a shot of reality.

So what is the answer? Several applications, really.

1. Understand the level of complexity at which you communicate. Then try to understand the level at which your spouse/significant other communicates. Do your best to match your communication with their style (”Just the facts, ma’am).

2. Don’t expect your AM radio partner receive and understand TV signals. Adjust your expectations to reality. (A special word of encouragement for those of you married to male, introverted engineers and accountants.)

3. Find others in your life — friends, sisters, mothers — who communicate at the same level you do, and experience your deeper life support and communication with them. Living a life in an AM radio world when you have color TV capabilities is boring and frustrating. Get your needs met in these relationships, and continue to communicate as effectively as possible with your spouse.

A couple of other suggestions. Morse code receivers cannot receive as much information as an FM radio. They can’t process it quickly enough and get overloaded easily. Too many words and too much emotion can do the same for guys.

Also, note that I have been largely talking about male/female differences, but these issues occur within same gender relationships as well. Some guys are wired more complexly than others, and are more reflective and aware of their feelings. These guys have a hard time connecting with those who are more “just the facts, ma’am” type. And some gals want to go “deeper” in their conversations and relationships than others.

Not sure how to end this, except: beeeeeep, beep (pause) beep, beep, beep. Hang in there, gals. I am sure there is a good reason why guys can’t communicate at the deeper levels you do — we just need to figure out what it is. [Kudos to my wife, who as a 42″ flat-screen HDTV, has endured living with an old FM tube radio for 30 years.]

My wife (Kathy) and I have been married 30 years. We are both college-educated and fairly good communicators. Most people understand us when we talk or write.

But sometimes we have a hard time communicating with each other. It is not that we don’t try, or that one of us doesn’t want to understand. But occasionally (I think it is only occasionally), one of us just doesn’t “get” what the other person is saying. I will admit that the person in our relationship that doesn’t “get it” most often is usually me.

She is trying to communicate something and I’m listening. I’m nodding like I understand. I feedback to her what she just said. And I may get the words right, but it is clear to her (sometimes, also to me) that I am not really understanding what she is trying to say. Even now, I think of conversations where I am nodding, “Yea, yea”, and then all-of-a-sudden I get ‘fogged’. “Whoa, wait a minute. You lost me there. I got point A, and point B, but then I’m not sure where you went from there.” And she tries again, with different words, but I find myself wincing and squinting, shaking my head side-to-side and just generally being confused.

Recently, we had this experience again. She was sharing about some challenges in our relationship, and I’m listening. But I am not getting it. And she is getting frustrated with herself that she can’t communicate her thoughts, feelings and experiences in a way that I understand what she is trying to say.

Ok, so I am a psychologist. And I am supposed to be this expert in human interactions — relationships, communication, feelings, and all that. This isn’t supposed to happen to me or in my marriage. (Wrong.)

So we agreed to try an experiment — some creative problem-solving, if you will. Since we have had this experience at least a few times, and seem to get stuck at the same place, we agreed we need to try something different. We are going to try to communicate these thoughts & feelings differently.

Here’s some things we are going to try (or, at least, consider as options):

Write it down. Sometimes people are better able to communicate more clearly when they write down their thoughts. This allows them to review what they have written and see if it really expresses what they are trying to say. It also slows down the interaction so the receiver doesn’t respond right away and you get into a quick interchange, which can lead to heightened emotions or getting off track.

Draw a picture. Drawing a picture of how you are feeling now, and possibly a picture of how you would like things to be may “break through” and help the person see the situation differently. It can be an actual drawing of the situation, or a “feeling picture” that represents what you are experiencing inside.

Use a word picture. Use some daily life situation that can serve as an example of what you are thinking. “It’s like cooking. You have the ingredients. You put them together, but not in the right order. And so the cake doesn’t turn out right.”

The best kinds of word pictures are those using examples and experiences most familiar to the recipient of the message. If you are trying to get your husband to understand something, use objects and processes that are part of his life — sports, fishing, planning a project at work, food, mechanics, computers — whatever it is.

Find some media (song, book poem, video clip) that says or shows what you are trying to communicate. This could be tough, but there are media examples out there that communicate our internal experience better than what we can say ourselves. It could be a song (Carole King’s “You’re So Vain” comes to mind!), or a passage from a book (keep it short), a poem (don’t get too metaphorical), or a clip from a movie (this could be good if the guy doesn’t infer too much from the rest of the movie).

You may have other suggestions. I’m open to ideas. We will see how it goes (I’ll let you know if we have a major breakthrough).

I think the encouraging part is — we keep trying. We know each other is trying. We aren’t giving up (yet) on trying to communicate. Maybe it’s me as an individual person. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy. Maybe it’s just tough for men and women to fully understand each other. Maybe it is something else. We haven’t figured it out yet. I will let you know if / when we do.

Recently, in a variety of settings I am observing the issue of trust impacting business relationships.

Obviously, trust is at the foundation for business transactions – that the vendor will provide the goods or services purchased, that the goods or services will be at the quality level described initially, and that the customer will pay for the goods or services in the time frame agreed upon.

Another area of business where trust is impactful is in the employer / employee relationship – where the employer follows through on commitments communicated to the employee and the integrity level of employees to be trusted to access to information and resources.

This past week I was talking to a business owner who described a situation where he had hired a sales manager (in early 2008, prior to the financial crisis hitting) who in turn started hiring a fairly high cost sales staff. Whenever the current owners or management team raised issues or asked questions of the sales manager, he reported replied, “Do I have to earn your trust or earn your mistrust?” (implying they should trust him until he proved untrustworthy.)

I replied that this was the wrong question. And, in fact, I find much communication around the issue of “trust” is not laid out properly. I do not believe that the question is: “Do I trust you?” (or “Do you trust me?”). This is too broad.

Trust is situation specific. The more appropriate question, I think, is: “For what do I trust you?” Or, “What am I willing to entrust to you?” (responsibility, privileges, resources). I may trust you to hire staff within a budget amount but I may not trust you to have total access to all of the company’s financial data. Or, I may trust you to pay bills with appropriate procedural checks and balances but I don’t trust you to have total access to the company’s financial resources without monitoring.

Think back to common family situations. Teenagers often complain to their parents, “You don’t trust me!” But again, the real issue is “trust you to do what?” I do trust you to choose good friends and to tell me the truth about where you are going, but no I don’t trust you to drive three hours late at night in a car with four of your friends on a snowy night.

Generally speaking, trust is earned — either from prior behavior with other individuals (that is why we trust professionals who have gone through training and certification in their profession, but we often also check references of people with whom they have worked) or in their behavior with us. We trust others (in the defined areas of responsibility) based on previously demonstrated responsibility in similar areas.

[I do admit that in many daily interactions we confer trust to others when we have no specific basis to do so, other than assuming most people are trustworthy in daily life transactions. However, this level of trust varies greatly across individuals’ own personal history and life experiences.]

I find that people (both business owners and parents) tend to get “burned” when they give more trust and responsibility to others when the person hasn’t demonstrated a basis for that trust.

A second area where I find business owners and managers tend to get taken advantage of by others in the business world is when they ignore early warning signs of mistrust. Partly due to the self-reinforcing tendency that we don’t want to admit that something may be wrong (and that we made a mistake in hiring this person), and sometimes partly due to people’s propensity to want to believe the best of others - we wind up overlooking early warning signs of a person not being trustworthy. As a result, we continue to entrust responsibilities and resources to the individual and find out later they weren’t trustworthy in how they handled the responsibilities - digging a deeper hole and creating more problems for the business.

So, where do we go with all of this?

First, I would suggest to accurately define the parameters of trust in relationships. Using a framework such as, “I am willing to trust you to…” Sometimes, it may be appropriate to say, “I am willing to trust you with… because you have shown yourself responsible by… ” Additionally, sometimes you may need to add, “…but I don’t feel comfortable yet in giving you the responsibility to …” Finally, it is helpful to clarify what responsibilities need to be demonstrated in order for you to trust the individual with more areas (this is really helpful in dealing with teens - versus the arbitrary “when I feel comfortable”.)

Secondly, I would strongly encourage each of us to pay attention to early warning signs of problem behaviors. This can take many different forms, including:

*the facts just don’t add up

*you are getting reports from clients and customers and other trusted team members, about some problems in a team member’s behavior

*the team member responds to questions and challenges with a “don’t you trust me?” type of response

*the team member is quite adept at making excuses, blaming others or circumstances versus admitting they made a mistake or error in judgement.

How should you respond to early warning signs?

a) talk to the individual about your concerns; often your concerns may be due to misperceptions or miscommunication;

b) obtain verifying information by an independent third party;

c) set up processes and procedures to monitor transactions

d) document the issues and behaviors which are creating concerns for you. Often the weight of evidence over time becomes significant, while no one specific incident is that large.

I think it would be wise for each one of us to consider the following old saying,

“Wise individuals see danger ahead and avoid it, but fools keep going and get into trouble.”

This week my wife and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.  Neither she nor I can believe we have been married that long — part of it is that we just don’t feel that “old”! (To keep the edge of reality a bit less sharp, we usually comment that we were only 12 when we got married.)

But as we have shared about our milestone with others, we have been asked quite a few times:  “What are the ’secrets’ to being married that long?”  I started to reflect on the question and came up with a few thoughts in response that I thought I would share.

• Marry the right person.  This may sound strange — and doesn’t really help those who are already married –but marrying a person who has the foundational character qualities that are needed for maintaining a long term relationship is key.  Two come to mind (there are many, obviously) — 1) avoid someone who is easily offended and 2) a person who holds grudges.  Both make it really difficult to forgive.  The first (being easily offended) means the person is going to have to forgive you a lot over the future decades.  And the second (holding grudges) means that they have a hard time “letting go” of offenses, which undermines the ability to maintain a close long term relationship. Most of us are blinded by infatuation and physical attraction when we are looking for someone to marry.  Some of us are (or were) just young and clueless.  So finding the right person under those circumstances is largely due to God’s grace in our lives.  But if you are still looking for a spouse, be sure and look for the true qualities you desire. (On the other hand, don’t be looking for Prince Charming or ‘The Perfect Woman’ — they don’t exist in reality.)

• Both individuals need to become good at forgiving.  Throughout the months, years and decades of your marriage, you will screw up a lot; and your spouse will make a lot of mistakes, so it is critical for both parties to be able and willing to forgive one another.  I truly don’t know of any other way to make a long term relationship work — practicing forgiveness is key.  There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness — that you have to ‘forget’ what happened to be able to forgive; that forgiveness means what happened really didn’t matter or hurt; or that what the person did ‘wasn’t that big of a deal’ — none of which are true.  Forgiveness is essentially “letting go” and not holding the offense against the person any longer.  Easy to say, but a process which can take a long time to enact. [A great book on this issue is The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes.]
• Learn (and then practice) the ways that your spouse experiences being loved.  For a long time (I mean 25 years or so) Kathy and I struggled.  She was frustrated with me, not feeling like I cared for or about her.  And I didn’t feel like she appreciated me.  Then we read Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, and began to understand that each of us experiences being loved differently.  Kathy’s ‘love language’ is having focused attention and quality time; mine is verbal praise.  Once we understood our differences, and have worked at loving each other in the languages important to us (it has taken me longer than Kathy), then our frustrations have diminished.  Although the concepts of this book are pretty simple and not ‘magic’, they helped us get over a barrier in our relationship.
• Work on your relationship.  “Working on your relationship”, to me, means — make your marriage a priority.  You have to spend time, invest mental and emotional energy, be willing to spend money on your relationship — and say “no” to other things (hobbies, work, other relationships, leisure activities, activities with or for the kids).  Although I rarely looked forward to a marriage seminar or retreat (being honest), I almost always felt like there was significant benefit from going.  And I get tired of reading books on marriage, but I continue to glean helpful concepts and hints to make me a better husband.  Anything that you want to be of good quality takes time and effort.
• Be committed to stay married even when it’s tough and you don’t like your spouse.  Sometimes I feel ‘commitment’ is overly emphasized in weddings and advice to young couples — to the point that it seems that the only thing needed to stay married is commitment (which I don’t believe is true).  But, if you ask most couples who have been married a long time, the rock bottom foundation of being committed to staying married, no matter how tough it gets, has been true for them.  And it is true for us.  We have had times where it seemed it would have been easier (and less painful) to just call it quits.  And there were times where we really didn’t like each other much, and didn’t enjoy our relationship.  But we were committed to make it work, and to this point we have been able to do so. [An ASIDE:  I clearly believe that there are circumstances when it probably doesn’t make sense and can be dangerous to stay in a relationship — when there is drug or alcohol abuse, or anger and abuse issues.  Being committed doesn’t mean you should be foolish.]
• Give up trying to change your spouse (the “if only …” game).  Part of the ability to keep together (and get past those really tough times) comes with the true acceptance of the other person for who they are.  And even if it would be good for them to change for certain habits or to “grow” in character (patience, perseverance, follow-through, impulse control, you name it) — accepting that they may never change reduces a lot of conflict.  And yes, life would be better “if only …”, but “if only …” may not happen and you certainly aren’t going to make it happen in their life for them.  So accept the reality that your spouse is a flawed individual and that it would be helpful if you learn to live with them the way they are.
• Miscellaneous parting thoughts.   There are lots more principles — that is why there are so many books on marriage.  But I want to get on with my day, so let me just finish with some additional short comments.

1. Be thankful — for your life, for your spouse, for your family.
   
2. Learn to enjoy activities that you can do together.  Do things with your spouse that they enjoy — go along with them just because they like it.
3. Live within your means.  Financial stress from overextending your lifestyle creates additional unnecessary stress that can undermine your relationship.
4. Realize life is hard.  Enjoy the good times and persevere through the difficult ones.

Have a great week.  And if you are fortunate enough to be married — give your spouse a big hug and kiss sometime today.

This weekend I had the opportunity to speak at a conference for major donors of a charitable organization. It was a beautiful setting in Southern California, and my wife accompanied me, which was a treat.

The other keynote presenter was Carlos Sepulveda, who is the CEO of Interstate Batteries, and a dynamic presenter. In addition to his presentation, Mr. Sepulveda had a follow-up question and answer session in which he expanded upon the concepts he shared. I thought I would share some of his thoughts which were thought provoking to me:

• “There is no such thing as business ethics.” He did not mean this in terms of an oxymoron. Rather, Mr. Sepulveda’s point was that there really is no division between public and private behavior – choices and decisions are made by individuals, whether or not the context is in the home, community or workplace. As Carlos stated directly, “Truth cannot be compartmentalized.” Unfortunately, we have seen this issue (behavior and choices matter, regardless of the context) impact our lives and news repeatedly (Enron, sexual misconduct by business and government leaders, business policies driven by greed).
• “Successful people absorb in early in life what reality is, and they spend the rest of their lives making and managing decisions made in reality.” Mr. Sepulveda shared some about his early life’s history, which was rocky, and the resulting lessons he learned. He affirmed straightforwardly, “You will never be any more successful than your understanding of reality” and that this is true in one’s personal life as well as in business.
• Regarding businesses delivering value, he stated that “competence delivers value.” He stated that the way to increase competence is through a combination of “ability + technique + effort”. He reported that our culture is always trying to “get around” work, but that ultimately work is good, brings value to our lives, and the means by which goals are reached.
• The definition of the role of a CEO, according to Mr. Sepulveda, is encapsulated in the initials “CEO”. The primary responsibilities of a CEO are to: 1. Organize (goals and resources); 2. Encourage others – to always be coaching those around you; and 3. Confront – to confront actions, beliefs and policies that don’t match reality, and to confront the gap between promised results and what is actually delivered. In a follow-up discussion, he indicated he tries to accept bad news well (that is, not “blow up”) but he asks the question: “How did it happen?”
• There are two primary activities that make up life – resource allocation (time, our “brain”, talents, financial resources) and conflict resolution. We are constantly making choices about how to use our time, talents, money, etc. and this is the daily activities of our lives. But because we live in relationship with others, and we all have our unique perspectives, values and priorities, this leads to conflicts over how resources should be allocated. And so the second most frequent activity we engaged in is managing these conflicts over the use of our resources.

I found Mr. Sepulveda an extremely engaging speaker, a thoughtful leader, and one who clearly caused me to repeatedly ask myself: “Really?” “Is that true?” He brings a unique perspective to leadership and daily life. If you ever have the chance to hear him speak, I would encourage you to choose to do so.

Business Success, Conflict, Conflict resolution, Executive performance, Leadership, Management, work

I have observed a common pattern across many areas that I work (and live) — people avoiding dealing with tense or conflictual situations in their relationships with others. And almost always, not dealing with the situation creates additional problems or makes the conflict larger and more intense (often involving more people than were originally involved).

And it happens it lots of settings:

• in family businesses, between family members working together
• in office settings, between coworkers who can’t get a long
• in marriages, between spouses
• in extended families, between parents-in-law and their children’s spouse
• in schools, between teachers and parents of the students
• in wealthy families, between siblings who are inheriting wealth
• and on and on.

Now, I am not going to try to address all the issues relevant to conflict in relationships, that would require a book (or two). But let’s look at some core concepts.

First, why do people often try to avoid conflict? I think there are lots of potential reasons, but let’s identify a few.

1. Many people do not like emotionally-charged situations, and they feel if they raise the issue underlying the conflict, emotions will get out of control.
2. Most people don’t like others to act or communicate in an angry way towards them, and will almost anything to avoid this type of interchange.
3. Some individuals believe that, in conflict, someone must either “be wrong” or have done something wrong, and they don’t want to be accused of this.
4. Most of us, when we have done something wrong, don’t like admitting it or apologizing for our error.

The problem is — not dealing with conflict in a situation doesn’t make it go away. In fact, frequently, things get worse. When there is tension between two people, or when there is a relational break (that is, the two people are not communicating much at all, if any) — not dealing with the issue creates additional problems, including:

• Others notice the tension and it makes them feel uncomfortable.
• Communication between the two individuals becomes minimal and ineffective.
• Other people get pulled into the conflict, and often begin to “take sides”.
• The people involved in the conflict experience a lot more emotional tension in their lives, with their emotions “building up”, and often spilling over into other areas of their lives.
• The relationship becomes more and more distant, sometimes to the point of total cut-off between the two parties.

Now, I am not suggesting, that if you are in the midst of a conflict in one of your relationships, you should run out and “deal with it”. Why? Because most people who have the habit of avoiding conflict don’t have very good success at resolving conflictual situations on their own — they don’t haven’t been practicing how to deal with conflict in their daily lives (we all have it, you know), they have misbeliefs about what should be done (”we just need to sit down and talk it out”), and they may not have the skills to deal with the situation effectively.

So what should you do?

First, take stock of your relationships and see if there are any that currently have significant tension or conflict that is getting in the way. Admit to yourself that there is a relationship that needs attention.

Second, observe how the tension in your relationship is affecting your life and those around you. For you to seriously consider dealing with the situation, you are probably going to need to be convinced that the conflict is creating problems in your life. You may want to ask those close to you in the situation (coworkers, family members) how the tension affects them (don’t ask it in a way where you are looking for support for your position in the conflict).

If possible, seek some help from someone who can help you deal with the conflict in the relationship in a positive way. Get some counsel from someone you admire and observe that they seem to be able to address relational tensions in their lives in a healthy way. Sometimes it may be beneficial to talk to a professional counselor, business coach, or facilitator — to help you and the other person meet together to resolve the issues creating the conflict.

Do some reading that can help you grow in dealing with conflicts in your life. Whatever the conflict you are currently experiencing, if you are a habitual “conflict avoider”, be assured this will not be the last difficult relational situation you have to deal with — there will be more. So it would be wise to start to grow in your ability to deal with tensions in relationships in a healthy way. There is a great book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most that a number of my clients have found to be quite helpful in guiding them through tough conversations they needed to have with someone in their life. Additionally, Lewis Smedes has written an excellent book, The Art of Forgiving, that is also extremely helpful.

I have conflict in relationships in my life (just ask those close to me), and I am still learning how to deal with those tensions in a healthier manner — I think we all can. Let’s just commit together to not let tensions in relationships fester to the point where they poison our lives — it will make all of our lives healthier.

Much of life is not magic or spectacular. As one of my friends says, “Life is daily.”

And when we look at the goals so many of us have –

• to be healthy physically – in shape and not overweight;
• to be moving toward financial independence;
• to have healthy family relationships – in our marriage, with our children, and among our extended family –

many of these goals are largely the result of daily actions and taking time each week to devote to these goals.

Exercising a few times a week, eating healthy and in moderation, and getting enough sleep – moves us toward physical health.

Working hard, spending less than you earn, using what you have versus buying something new, saving regularly, investing wisely, and learning to be content in your circumstances – leads toward financial independence.

Similarly, there are some foundational habits that lead toward healthy relationships in families. And in my work every week I see both: a) families (or family members) who say they want healthy relationships but consistently do not make the choices necessary to bring about the health they desire; and b) families who have strong, warm relationships with one another as a result of habits and structures they have built into their lives over the years (and continue to do so.)

This is true for young couples, young families with children, middle-aged parents with teens or young adults, senior parents with adult children and grandchildren, wealthy families and those lesser financial means.

Let’s look at some of those patterns.

1. Spending regular time to be in touch with each other’s daily lives. This will look differently depending on the life stage of the family. It may mean talking or emailing a couple times a week (for families with children out of the home), eating dinner together regularly, taking walks together in the evening and catching up on the day’s events.

2. Having regular leisure time together. Again, the format will differ. This might mean going on a camping trip once a year. Doing leisure activities together occasionally – playing golf, fishing, going shopping, going to a concert, playing cards or a board game, or eating out together – hopefully an activity that allows for interaction during the event.

3. Taking time to have significant conversations about meaningful topics. It is difficult to have “deep” conversations spontaneously – the circumstances rarely work out right (the other person is distracted, there are kids around, someone interrupts the time, etc.) I find that people who want to have significant conversations with others plan for them. They think through what they want to talk about; they let the other person (or persons) know they would like to set aside some time to talk; and they schedule a time and an appropriate place.

It is important to note that this is true in a variety of relationships: couples; parents / kids & teens; senior adults and their adult children; and extended families (matriarch/patriarch to the rest of the family).

4. Being available to listen when others want to talk. (By the way, this is my biggest personal deficit area.) One of the key components to healthy relationships, seemingly especially with school-age children and teens, is being available when the other person has a need to share what is on their heart. This is one of the benefits of moms being home after school when kids get home, the “travel time” to / from school and activities, running errands together, cooking meals together, or working on projects together.

Unfortunately, most of us who are in the parent role tend to focus more on what we want to communicate to our kids, and often do not ask enough questions and just listen (guilty as charged).

5. Working through tensions, miscommunication, and conflict. Healthy families realize that no one is perfect, that miscommunications happen, it best to work to resolve a conflict rather than avoid it, and forgiving others when you have been wronged works a lot better than holding a grudge. So much hurt, pain, and damaged relationships could be avoided if families would realize that problems occur in family relationships and it is best to take proactive steps to deal with them.

If I could make one request from many of the families that I meet (often in passing) – do yourself and your family a favor: build some foundational habits and structures in your family’s life that will foster healthy, close relationships that you will enjoy for years. I will close with a number of specific action steps you could take (depending on your life stage):

• Sit down at the dinner table at least 3 times a week and eat dinner together, including some conversation about your day.
• Hang out with your kids, either in their room or in your bedroom, at the end of the day and chat about the day.
• Take a walk with your spouse after dinner and hear about their day.
• Call or email your college-age or young adult and ask them what they are looking forward to in the coming weeks.
• Schedule a family gathering for the extended family to get together, share a meal and hang out (keep it simple; it is more likely to happen, and don’t make it mandatory that everyone is able to attend before you schedule it.)
• Have an annual family meeting to communicate how the business has done this past year, what new projects came about, challenges encountered, and the plans for this coming year (keep it global and topical, don’t share specific financial information.)
• Offer to help your adult child on a project they need help on. Let them run the project; don’t offer unasked for advice, and just be their helper.
• Think of your own application of these principles, and write it down here: __________________________________________.

Have fun!

I don’t mean to sound snub or condescending but, in a lot of ways, having healthy relationships is not that big of deal. Having positive relationships doesn’t have to be as difficult as people want to make it.
I often tell my friends (and sometimes, my clients) that the work I do is not rocket science. Helping families and business families “get along” is not that tough, from a conceptual point of view. The concepts are fairly straightforward.

But the real challenge is in the implementation — in getting individuals and families to do (regularly) those behaviors and tasks that build health in relationships, and to minimize those actions that damage relationships. And, being forthright, it is in the area of implementation that I am worth my weight in gold (ok, maybe not that much — I weigh a fair amount and gold is at $1,000 an ounce.) Probably the one thing I do best is help families do what they should being doing.

Recently, I have been working with some families who are good people, who mean well and have good intentions, but some of them do what they are supposed to occasionally, others practice positive patterns but inconsistently, and some seem afraid to do what is right (almost strictly out of the fear of conflict.)

I previously have written about the six steps to positive relationships, so I won’t repeat those principles. I have some other observations I want to share here.

First, it is amazing to me to see individuals and families who say they want to have good relationships with one another, but they seem to rarely spend any time together. This is true for parents with children living at home, adults who are brothers and sisters, or extended families. Everyone is “busy” (the apparently acceptable excuse for almost anything in our culture). Ok, so let me put it to you bluntly: If you want to have a healthy relationship with another person, it helps (a lot) to spend time with them regularly.

Time is good. But spending time together watching TV, sports on TV, or movies/DVDs is not really going to build your relationship a lot. Talking is good. Talking about something meaningful in your life is better. It is a good start to with sharing about events in your daily life. But you can go to a deeper level if you share about what you are thinking about the future or the challenges you are facing in your daily life. If you are really brave, you might venture into the area of politics, religious / spiritual beliefs, or where you think our country or the world is heading.

There are three intertwined characteristics that I repeatedly observe in healthy families. If you have one of the three, it is helpful; two of the three is really quite good; and if you are “three for three” I am convinced you and your family will enjoy each other for a long time.

Accepting differences, and understanding that disagreeing doesn’t mean someone is necessarily wrong, is a great attribute.

Being able to resolve conflicts in a non-damaging manner is huge.

Forgiving others and learning to “let go” and move on is at the heart of healthy relationships.

Look at the converse of each of these and you will see what I mean. Think about a family (or a relationship) where everyone has to be, act, think, dress or believe the same in order to be OK. Early in a family’s life, this can look ok, but the fabric quickly unravels — because people in family’s are different — they think, act, dress and value things differently. So either you learn to accept, and embrace, the value of differentness or you blow relationships apart.

One of the most common patterns I see that creates major problems in families is their unwillingness or inability to confront one another in a way that allows the relationship to continue. More frequently, families “avoid” confrontation (they don’t actually avoid it, it actually either goes underground, builds up and blows, or goes through indirect channels). Often my role is to help family members sit down and talk about concerns they have with each other and attempt to facilitate the discussion in a manner that both feel “heard” and allows the opportunity to dialogue and problem-solve about the situation. (NOTE: being ok with the other person thinking, acting or believing differently than you is key.)

Families who live without forgiving one another are filled with hurt, anger, resentment and broken relationships. Let’s face it — we all screw up (some of us more than others) and many of us have deeply hurt those close to us. Unfortunate, but true. And I don’t know of any real way someone can “make it up to” another person — either through compensatory actions, apologizing, or admitting they were wrong. The bottom line need is the ability for the offended and hurt to “let it go” and move on. Otherwise, the relationship will always be tainted by “Yea, but you …”

I’m sure there are other aspects we could add, but realistically speaking if you:

*Spend time together
*Talk about meaningful topics
*Accept the other person as being different from you (and that is ok)
*Choose to deal with conflicts constructively
*Forgive others when they hurt you

Then you are going to have a darn good relationship. Not that tough, conceptually. Living it out is a challenge, no doubt. But give it a try. You can do better than you have been, I bet. We all can.

(By the way, it won’t be that helpful to print this out or send it to someone in your family and say “Here are some things you should work on” [or some other more indirect wording]. Rather, work on yourself. That’s the place to start.)