In my role as a family coach for wealthy families, one of the common issues that arises is the parents’ desire to be “fair” with their children and grandchildren. (I put “fair” in quotation marks because it really is an unusual term that is defined differently by many people and is almost totally based on perception.)

For whatever reason, and I really don’t know exactly where it comes from, fairness is an extremely important issue in our culture that drives many decisions within families. Take, for instance, this past week’s events over Christmas — parents (regardless of their financial status) are quite concerned about giving the equivalent financial value (or perceived value) in gifts to their family members.

There are many challenges related to parents or grandparents trying to be fair with their family members. Let me cite a few:

The “givers” have their own perception of what is (or should be) fair. Most people have a hard time accurately or concisely describing what “fair” is, but they sure have a strong sense of it intuitively. Often it is described in terms of being “equal”, but when pressed about specifics or circumstantial differences, the concept of equal usually fades into the background.

The “receivers” usually have a different view of fairness from the givers (and from other receivers).Most of the family members with whom I work are genuinely grateful for any gift they are (or will be) receiving. The adult children and their spouses do not appear to be greedy, unthankful or have a sense of entitlement. They understand that the “givers” have the right to do whatever they want with their possessions. Nonetheless, when probing deeper, they often express a different viewpoint of what would be “fair” in how the gifts are distributed across the family — often not to their own benefit but out of concern for one of their siblings or in-law’s.

What is “fair” changes over time (pretty easily and often). Let’s take the recent volatility in the financial markets and real estate values. Suppose, in May 2008, some parents gave one of their children $100,000 in a blue chip stock; they gave their second child a house in Atlanta worth $100,000; and they gave their third child $100,000 in cash to use as they wished. Let’s assume each child wanted and agreed to the form of the gift they received (this isn’t always true, you know). So not only were the gifts “fair”, they were exactly equal in monetary value in May 2008 (which is an unusual occurance). But fast forward to May of 2009. The blue chip stock lost 40% of its value, so it is now only worth $60,000. The home in Atlanta lost 50% of its value and can’t really be sold for virtually any price. And the $100,000 in cash is worth $102,000 after they earned 2% on it in a money market account. Are the gifts fair now? Should the parents do some additional giving to make the monetary values equal?

When do you want fairness to exist? When do the givers want things to be fair. Now? Next year? When the business sells? When everyone has completed college? When dad dies and his life insurance proceeds create cash to equalize the gifts given? When both parents die and everything will be “equaled up”? “When” is an important question to answer — for a number of reasons. First, you have the most control over events closest to the present. So “now” seems to be a pretty good option. However, you may not have the liquid assets to make everything fair now, so “now” doesn’t work for many families. Secondly, the further out the “when” is, leaves more variables to chance and the likelihood of fairness not being achieved. Is it “fair” to your second child to wait until the business sells (say in 5 years) to make things fair, and they get divorced and become a single parent needing cash flow two years from now? Or is it “fair” to the eldest child who is running the business (and buying it from you) to wait to realize their inheritance when they sell the business (potentially) in twenty years? I can run a lot of scenarios that create problems.

So what do you do? Give up on the ideal of “fairness”. Maybe, but probably not. I try to help families (usually the senior couple or single parent) clarify what being “fair” means to them, to the best of their ability currently. Secondly, answering the question “when” is critical — and it differs significantly across families. Finally, I encourage family members to think more in terms of values, rather than fairness. Since fairness is a moving target across time and is perceived differently by almost everyone involved — I find making decisions based on what is important to you as a better guideline.

Is education for the next generation important to you? Then figure out a way to fund that. Is affordable housing important? Then figure out a way to help younger family members achieve this goal. Travel? Stay-at-home moms for your grandchildren? A financial safety net? Guaranteed health insurance? Whatever is important to you — pursue that as a gift.

You will eventually have to make some decisions about what you view as being “fair” — assuming you have more than one child. Do you try to equalize your gifts to your children? Or do you try to equalize them at the grandchild level (one of your children has two kids; his sister has three kids; and the youngest has one of his own and three stepchildren)? It’s not easy. But, hey, that is what I am here for — to help you think and talk through the issues, so you can come to a decision you can live with.

Remember, you don’t have to have a lot of money or “stuff” for this to be an issue. Dividing up the household furniture and belongings raises the same issues. Whatever you do, don’t let one of your kids or grandkids (who does have a greed or entitlement issue) “guilt” you into making decisions you don’t want to.

Until then, have a great and safe New Year’s celebration.

This week my wife and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.  Neither she nor I can believe we have been married that long — part of it is that we just don’t feel that “old”! (To keep the edge of reality a bit less sharp, we usually comment that we were only 12 when we got married.)

But as we have shared about our milestone with others, we have been asked quite a few times:  “What are the ’secrets’ to being married that long?”  I started to reflect on the question and came up with a few thoughts in response that I thought I would share.

• Marry the right person.  This may sound strange — and doesn’t really help those who are already married –but marrying a person who has the foundational character qualities that are needed for maintaining a long term relationship is key.  Two come to mind (there are many, obviously) — 1) avoid someone who is easily offended and 2) a person who holds grudges.  Both make it really difficult to forgive.  The first (being easily offended) means the person is going to have to forgive you a lot over the future decades.  And the second (holding grudges) means that they have a hard time “letting go” of offenses, which undermines the ability to maintain a close long term relationship. Most of us are blinded by infatuation and physical attraction when we are looking for someone to marry.  Some of us are (or were) just young and clueless.  So finding the right person under those circumstances is largely due to God’s grace in our lives.  But if you are still looking for a spouse, be sure and look for the true qualities you desire. (On the other hand, don’t be looking for Prince Charming or ‘The Perfect Woman’ — they don’t exist in reality.)

• Both individuals need to become good at forgiving.  Throughout the months, years and decades of your marriage, you will screw up a lot; and your spouse will make a lot of mistakes, so it is critical for both parties to be able and willing to forgive one another.  I truly don’t know of any other way to make a long term relationship work — practicing forgiveness is key.  There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness — that you have to ‘forget’ what happened to be able to forgive; that forgiveness means what happened really didn’t matter or hurt; or that what the person did ‘wasn’t that big of a deal’ — none of which are true.  Forgiveness is essentially “letting go” and not holding the offense against the person any longer.  Easy to say, but a process which can take a long time to enact. [A great book on this issue is The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes.]
• Learn (and then practice) the ways that your spouse experiences being loved.  For a long time (I mean 25 years or so) Kathy and I struggled.  She was frustrated with me, not feeling like I cared for or about her.  And I didn’t feel like she appreciated me.  Then we read Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, and began to understand that each of us experiences being loved differently.  Kathy’s ‘love language’ is having focused attention and quality time; mine is verbal praise.  Once we understood our differences, and have worked at loving each other in the languages important to us (it has taken me longer than Kathy), then our frustrations have diminished.  Although the concepts of this book are pretty simple and not ‘magic’, they helped us get over a barrier in our relationship.
• Work on your relationship.  “Working on your relationship”, to me, means — make your marriage a priority.  You have to spend time, invest mental and emotional energy, be willing to spend money on your relationship — and say “no” to other things (hobbies, work, other relationships, leisure activities, activities with or for the kids).  Although I rarely looked forward to a marriage seminar or retreat (being honest), I almost always felt like there was significant benefit from going.  And I get tired of reading books on marriage, but I continue to glean helpful concepts and hints to make me a better husband.  Anything that you want to be of good quality takes time and effort.
• Be committed to stay married even when it’s tough and you don’t like your spouse.  Sometimes I feel ‘commitment’ is overly emphasized in weddings and advice to young couples — to the point that it seems that the only thing needed to stay married is commitment (which I don’t believe is true).  But, if you ask most couples who have been married a long time, the rock bottom foundation of being committed to staying married, no matter how tough it gets, has been true for them.  And it is true for us.  We have had times where it seemed it would have been easier (and less painful) to just call it quits.  And there were times where we really didn’t like each other much, and didn’t enjoy our relationship.  But we were committed to make it work, and to this point we have been able to do so. [An ASIDE:  I clearly believe that there are circumstances when it probably doesn’t make sense and can be dangerous to stay in a relationship — when there is drug or alcohol abuse, or anger and abuse issues.  Being committed doesn’t mean you should be foolish.]
• Give up trying to change your spouse (the “if only …” game).  Part of the ability to keep together (and get past those really tough times) comes with the true acceptance of the other person for who they are.  And even if it would be good for them to change for certain habits or to “grow” in character (patience, perseverance, follow-through, impulse control, you name it) — accepting that they may never change reduces a lot of conflict.  And yes, life would be better “if only …”, but “if only …” may not happen and you certainly aren’t going to make it happen in their life for them.  So accept the reality that your spouse is a flawed individual and that it would be helpful if you learn to live with them the way they are.
• Miscellaneous parting thoughts.   There are lots more principles — that is why there are so many books on marriage.  But I want to get on with my day, so let me just finish with some additional short comments.

1. Be thankful — for your life, for your spouse, for your family.
   
2. Learn to enjoy activities that you can do together.  Do things with your spouse that they enjoy — go along with them just because they like it.
3. Live within your means.  Financial stress from overextending your lifestyle creates additional unnecessary stress that can undermine your relationship.
4. Realize life is hard.  Enjoy the good times and persevere through the difficult ones.

Have a great week.  And if you are fortunate enough to be married — give your spouse a big hug and kiss sometime today.

Part of life is the fact that “bad things happen” - a car accident, serious physical problems, death of a family member, loss of a job,  — all kinds of events are possible.

Recently, I have had a number of family members and friends struggle with serious physical problems:  brain tumors, breast cancer, back problems, vertigo, depression, kidney malfunctions.  (I don’t think I “create” physical problems in those around me, nor do I gather people with illnesses around me; it seems to be one of those times in life when certain life events seem to cluster together.)

And a few weeks ago, my daughter had a significant car accident, where she flipped her car.    Fortunately, she was wearing her seat belt and she was not physically hurt.  But, obviously, some practical, daily life lessons were learned, and we were extremely thankful for her safety.

And this week, my nephew’s son, Caden, died from a protracted battle with cancer.  Caden was five years old.  He was a delightful, cheerful boy who was full of life.  We are going to miss him terribly.  The emotional pain associated with a child’s death seems to be indescribable.
But tragic events and life’s struggles, in the midst of the pain, provide opportunities for growth:

• The opportunity to grow closer together as a family.  Serious life-changing events can help us to realize how important those close to us really are.  We have the opportunity to verbalize and communicate our care for each other in ways that we usually don’t.  This weekend we had a family dinner with our children and used the time to reflect on Caden’s life and our responses to his death; it was a significant time together.
• The opportunity to reflect on one’s life — the purpose and meaning of life, and reprioritizing life’s activities.  When a person faces a serious illness, it causes us to consider the brevity of life and to reconsider what is really important to us.  Most of us remember this reaction after 9/11 — a lot of daily life activities were suspended so people could spend time together with their families.  And the challenges give us a longer term perspective to think about: What is the meaning of life?  Why am I here? Is life on earth all there is?
• The opportunity to build (and sometimes, rebuild) closer relationships with friends and extended family members.  Life is fast-paced for most of us.  And many of us no longer live close to extended family members (brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandparents, aunts & uncles).  And we also may not see long-term friends from prior stages in our lives as frequently as we used to.  Significant events in our lives can provide the channel to reconnect.  They may also provide the impetus to get past hurts and wounds, to forgive, and to say, “You are important to me.”

So, if you or someone close to you, is in the midst of a difficult life circumstance, take the time and effort to connect with those around you.

And even if life’s circumstances are going fairly well for you currently, be thankful, and tell someone close to you that you love them, that you appreciate them, or that you really enjoy being around them.  Today with them is a gift you won’t always have.
communication, Difficult conversations, Family, Life Stages, parenting, Perseverance, personal development, Personal stories, relationships, Stress management

I didn’t write an entry last week because I couldn’t really think of much to say. Nothing profound or new (not that my entries are typically profound.) So I decided to “think on it”.

This week, I don’t necessary have anything new (again), but I have been thinking about those situations when you don’t have much to say — and what you should do.

First, some context for those of you who don’t know me well. Historically, I have been quite outgoing, social, and rarely, if ever, at a loss for words. In the past (and still in some situations) I have been one of those people who willingly fills the void if there is any dead air space. Age, life experience (including times of making a fool of myself by talking too much) and the amount of social interaction in my work — all have caused me to slow down a bit and not be so socially hyper.

In fact, an adult friend of mine gave me some advice when I went away to college. He told me, “Paul, you are the kind of person who will jump in to every activity available, get over-involved, and burn yourself out — because you want people to like you. What you need to do is sit back for the first semester, shut up, and just watch what is going on. Then you can see what you want to get involved in and make some good choices.” Believe it or not, I attempted to follow his advice. And it was an interesting experience for me. Rather than be Mr. Outgoing, I actually took on the role of “the quiet guy” in new situations. And I watched other people make fools of themselves — and saw what I must have looked like to others.

Since then, I now “pick and choose” — sometimes I am my fun-loving, outgoing self, while other times I tend to be the “sit back and observe” guy. I actually enjoy the ability to choose which role I will take.

Here are some observations I have made, and some lessons learned.

• If you don’t have anything to say, don’t. There is an old saying which applies: “Even a fool seems wise if he doesn’t open up his mouth.” It reminds me of the movie from the 70’s “Being There” in which Peter Sellers stars as a not very bright (and even strange guy). He was primarily a gardener and butler and didn’t say much. But he would occasional utter an obtuse saying or metaphor, that others would view as quite “deep”, and he continually kept being put into higher levels of responsibility — largely because he didn’t say much.
• If you are not sure what to say, wait — leave some silence for others to speak. Many people who are more introverted need more “space” in which to engage in conversation. They need some time to process what they have heard, gather their thoughts, formulate a response, and then gather the courage to share their thoughts. Those of us who are motor-mouths go at such a fast pace in conversations (especially in small groups), that many quieter people don’t say much because there is not enough space for them in the conversation to enter in.
• Ask questions of others. The truth is: most people like to share about themselves — what they have been doing, what they are thinking about, experiences they have had. And all they need is someone to show some interest and ask them “What’s been going on?” and they are ready to share. I actually have found I get deeper and more meaningful responses when I ask different questions, like: “What is new in your life?” “What have you been learning lately?” “What’s going on that I don’t know about?” These seem to bypass the traditional small-talk responses (”Nothing.” “Not much.” “I don’t know. What about you?”)
• Sometimes “I don’t know what to say” is the most appropriate thing to say. There are difficult or awkward situations that arise occasionally, where it is really hard to know how to respond. Surprising news or decisions made, recent serious medical diagnoses or personal tragedies, or just awkward statements by others — all can put us in a position of wanting to say something but not to say something that might offend or seem inappropriate. I have found if I say “I don’t know what to say” they will continue on, give more information, and allow me time to figure out what an appropriate response is.
• If you don’t have anything to say, and you find yourself talking — stop. Okay. Sounds good.

Have a good week!

I have observed a common pattern across many areas that I work (and live) — people avoiding dealing with tense or conflictual situations in their relationships with others. And almost always, not dealing with the situation creates additional problems or makes the conflict larger and more intense (often involving more people than were originally involved).

And it happens it lots of settings:

• in family businesses, between family members working together
• in office settings, between coworkers who can’t get a long
• in marriages, between spouses
• in extended families, between parents-in-law and their children’s spouse
• in schools, between teachers and parents of the students
• in wealthy families, between siblings who are inheriting wealth
• and on and on.

Now, I am not going to try to address all the issues relevant to conflict in relationships, that would require a book (or two). But let’s look at some core concepts.

First, why do people often try to avoid conflict? I think there are lots of potential reasons, but let’s identify a few.

1. Many people do not like emotionally-charged situations, and they feel if they raise the issue underlying the conflict, emotions will get out of control.
2. Most people don’t like others to act or communicate in an angry way towards them, and will almost anything to avoid this type of interchange.
3. Some individuals believe that, in conflict, someone must either “be wrong” or have done something wrong, and they don’t want to be accused of this.
4. Most of us, when we have done something wrong, don’t like admitting it or apologizing for our error.

The problem is — not dealing with conflict in a situation doesn’t make it go away. In fact, frequently, things get worse. When there is tension between two people, or when there is a relational break (that is, the two people are not communicating much at all, if any) — not dealing with the issue creates additional problems, including:

• Others notice the tension and it makes them feel uncomfortable.
• Communication between the two individuals becomes minimal and ineffective.
• Other people get pulled into the conflict, and often begin to “take sides”.
• The people involved in the conflict experience a lot more emotional tension in their lives, with their emotions “building up”, and often spilling over into other areas of their lives.
• The relationship becomes more and more distant, sometimes to the point of total cut-off between the two parties.

Now, I am not suggesting, that if you are in the midst of a conflict in one of your relationships, you should run out and “deal with it”. Why? Because most people who have the habit of avoiding conflict don’t have very good success at resolving conflictual situations on their own — they don’t haven’t been practicing how to deal with conflict in their daily lives (we all have it, you know), they have misbeliefs about what should be done (”we just need to sit down and talk it out”), and they may not have the skills to deal with the situation effectively.

So what should you do?

First, take stock of your relationships and see if there are any that currently have significant tension or conflict that is getting in the way. Admit to yourself that there is a relationship that needs attention.

Second, observe how the tension in your relationship is affecting your life and those around you. For you to seriously consider dealing with the situation, you are probably going to need to be convinced that the conflict is creating problems in your life. You may want to ask those close to you in the situation (coworkers, family members) how the tension affects them (don’t ask it in a way where you are looking for support for your position in the conflict).

If possible, seek some help from someone who can help you deal with the conflict in the relationship in a positive way. Get some counsel from someone you admire and observe that they seem to be able to address relational tensions in their lives in a healthy way. Sometimes it may be beneficial to talk to a professional counselor, business coach, or facilitator — to help you and the other person meet together to resolve the issues creating the conflict.

Do some reading that can help you grow in dealing with conflicts in your life. Whatever the conflict you are currently experiencing, if you are a habitual “conflict avoider”, be assured this will not be the last difficult relational situation you have to deal with — there will be more. So it would be wise to start to grow in your ability to deal with tensions in relationships in a healthy way. There is a great book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most that a number of my clients have found to be quite helpful in guiding them through tough conversations they needed to have with someone in their life. Additionally, Lewis Smedes has written an excellent book, The Art of Forgiving, that is also extremely helpful.

I have conflict in relationships in my life (just ask those close to me), and I am still learning how to deal with those tensions in a healthier manner — I think we all can. Let’s just commit together to not let tensions in relationships fester to the point where they poison our lives — it will make all of our lives healthier.