Friends, I thought I would briefly share about two significant events in my life this week.

1. My wedding anniversary. As of September 1, my lovely wife, Kathy, and I have been married 31 years. So it’s not one of those “special” years, but this year does seem special — partially, I think, because all four of our adult children are “out and about”. Plus, Kathy and I are enjoying our relationship more than we have in several years. So celebrating our life together seems appropriate. Finally, we realized (it takes a while for things to sink in sometimes) that we have been married a long time when one of our younger friends said to us: “You were married before I was born!”

2. Completion of my book. Some of you may know that I have been working on a project for about four years which has led to the writing and publishing of a book. Earlier this week, Dr. Gary Chapman (author of the NY Times #1 bestseller, 5 Love Languages) and I completed the manuscript of our book — 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace: Empowering Organizations by Encouraging People. It is going to the publisher for editing now, and won’t be released until next summer (July 2011), but this was a major milestone for us. There is still much to be done — we are developing training resources for businesses and organizations — but now we can say, “The book is done!” (You can be sure I will sure more about the book and related activities in the future.)

So, rejoice with us — and have a great week!

I am just returning from a few days off. And it never ceases to amaze me how different people are in what constitutes a “vacation”.

I think it is critical to know what rejuvenates you and to actively include these activities in your schedule. I will admit that I am not very good at taking long vacations (although I am starting to think about them more seriously), but I do think I am fairly good at knowing what re-energizes me, and including those activities in my daily and weekly schedule.

Unfortunately, I think the media blitz we all face daily plus reports from others around us bias us away from those activities which we may really desire. Let me share a few examples of categories of rejuvenating activities (and feel free to share your own ideas).

Nature. This is first, because it is my #1 category. I truly don’t feel like I have been on vacation unless it includes some significant time in nature — staying at a cabin in the woods, hiking, fishing, rafting, swimming in the ocean or a lake. I am fortunate that I live in an area where I have nature surrounding my house (trees, birds, singing insects & frogs, deer and other animals). So when I come home from work, I have the opportunity to have a brief respite from the stresses of the day.

Music. Music can be very restorative. And different kinds of music help us in various ways — soothing instrumental jazz, mellow folk music, energizing bluegrass or classic rock, classical music of various genre’s. I personally am finding selective use of music is more impactful than having it on all the time (e.g. in the background).

Silence. We live in a busy, noisy world. And we add more noises to our lives with talk radio, the news on TV, background music. Finding a quiet place can be a challenge, but incredibly rewarding. Sometimes after I arrive and get settled in my office, I take just 5 minutes to sit, be quiet and enjoy silence.

Solitude and reflection. I am an extrovert by nature, and in my early adult years, I would rarely choose to have an extended time of silence and reflection on my own (I was always looking for a party!). And I still cannot take as much time by myself as my wife enjoys, but slowing down, not sitting in front of the TV (or computer), getting by myself, reading some reflective material (and even occasionally writing in my journal), certainly has a place in restoring my inner soul.

Social interaction. Some people (usually extroverts) actually get energized by being around others. They (we) enjoy the energy from being in a social situation or experiencing an event with a large crowd. Like anything, getting energized by being around others needs to be done in moderation (extroverts can become like over-tired two year old’s — everyone else knows they are tired and need to go to bed before the person themselves do!)

Spiritual reflection and learning. This could be similar to solitude and reflection, but sometimes activity is more self-focused — reflecting on one’s life. This activity may include reading sacred writings, inspirational books by spiritual leaders, or going to a retreat to obtain spiritual instruction. Without keeping one’s life centered on your core spiritual beliefs, your life is at risk for spinning out of control.

Physical activity. For many of us, our work and daily lives are sedentary and inside. Getting physical activity and exercise, along with experiencing the sunlight and breeze on our skin gives us more energy than if we continue to sit at a desk or lying on our bed. (For me, the combination of physical activity + nature is a wonderful combination.)

Hobbies, artistic activities and recreation. This is a combination of a fairly broad range of activities but, when done appropriately, they are restorative — they re-create us. The activity can vary tremendously — painting & drawing, building models, gardening, playing softball, knitting, woodcarving — which is part of their beauty. Each person can pursue a wide range of hobbies over their lifetime (think of the different hobbies you have done over the years.)

I am sure there are many other ways to become rejuvenated. The real trick is to: a) find out what is restorative to you (and not do something because someone else likes to); and b) do it as part of your daily, weekly and seasonal life.

I want to continue to learn and grow in practice in these areas. Please share lessons you have learned over the years in how to consistently restore your energy for life.

Recently, I was working with a husband and wife who also own and run a business together. One of the issues that came up was their differences in communicating, and how this creates challenges in their relationship (both personally and as co-managers).

I used a “word picture” that helped illustrate the difficulties they are experiencing in communicating with one another. [Like most things, word pictures have their pro’s & con’s. On the one hand, they can powerfully paint an image that drives home a key concept. On the other hand, if taken too far they “break down” in their ability to communicate clearly.]

Women often say to me, about their husband, “He just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand what I am trying to say.” They go on to complain about how he is a poor communicator and a terrible listener. While this may be true, I try to explain the situation this way.

Communication is not “all or nothing”. Most guys can communicate some (give us a break here, gals). But how they communicate and what they communicate are often qualitatively different than the messages their wives send.

It is like this. There is a broad spectrum of communication media. In the old days (only used rarely now), there was morse code. Morse code is made of those beeps that make up dots and dashes on telegraph wires. Beep, beep, (pause), beeeep, beep . . . There is a single tone. It has no words (the sounds make up letters, which make up words) but it is a form of communication.

Then there is AM radio. More information is sent — including words and music. But the spectrum of the frequency of sound communicated is limited — it can sound sort of “tinny”. But it is a lot more full than morse code. We then can move to FM radio – a deeper, richer fuller sound and tone. There is a richness communicated in classical music (and classic rock) that AM radio just can’t do.

But we are still only sending audio information. So let’s move to television — starting with black and white, and then color. Now we have a whole new set of information being communicated — auditory + visual — we get pictures and moving visual images versus just sound. The breadth of information that is communicated has multiplied significantly.

Finally, let’s go to 3D movies (with THX sound, of course). Wow, now you are talking! Rich, loud sound. Beautiful color images that look like real life in three dimensions. The breadth, depth and scope of what is being communicated is amazing.

The problem is: some people (usually guys) are only built with the equipment to send and/or receive morse code or AM radio frequencies. So it doesn’t matter how hard their wife tries to communicate effectively in television or 3D mode, he only “gets” part of the information. The rest of the waves just harmlessly bounce off of his forehead. He truly doesn’t get it. And for many, guys. They just can’t. They don’t understand the depth of feelings and emotions their wives experience and try to share.

So now matter how hard he tries, or how hard she tries, there is an element of lack of connection. It (usually) isn’t because he doesn’t want to; he just can’t communicate at the same level — he doesn’t think that way (e.g. in color, if he is a black & white TV), and the messages don’t get through to him.

Sorry to burst some of your bubbles, gals (some of you younger wives won’t believe me yet) with a shot of reality.

So what is the answer? Several applications, really.

1. Understand the level of complexity at which you communicate. Then try to understand the level at which your spouse/significant other communicates. Do your best to match your communication with their style (”Just the facts, ma’am).

2. Don’t expect your AM radio partner receive and understand TV signals. Adjust your expectations to reality. (A special word of encouragement for those of you married to male, introverted engineers and accountants.)

3. Find others in your life — friends, sisters, mothers — who communicate at the same level you do, and experience your deeper life support and communication with them. Living a life in an AM radio world when you have color TV capabilities is boring and frustrating. Get your needs met in these relationships, and continue to communicate as effectively as possible with your spouse.

A couple of other suggestions. Morse code receivers cannot receive as much information as an FM radio. They can’t process it quickly enough and get overloaded easily. Too many words and too much emotion can do the same for guys.

Also, note that I have been largely talking about male/female differences, but these issues occur within same gender relationships as well. Some guys are wired more complexly than others, and are more reflective and aware of their feelings. These guys have a hard time connecting with those who are more “just the facts, ma’am” type. And some gals want to go “deeper” in their conversations and relationships than others.

Not sure how to end this, except: beeeeeep, beep (pause) beep, beep, beep. Hang in there, gals. I am sure there is a good reason why guys can’t communicate at the deeper levels you do — we just need to figure out what it is. [Kudos to my wife, who as a 42″ flat-screen HDTV, has endured living with an old FM tube radio for 30 years.]

I wrote about trust in business relationships a few months ago. But the issue of trust in relationships keeps coming up again and again in the work I do. Really, it is the lack of trust that continues to reappear. The issue is so foundational to healthy relationships, I feel compelled to write on the topic again – and explain the nature of trust more deeply.

What is trust, really? One definition is: “to place confidence in” or “rely on”.

Recently, I have worked with families, family businesses, couples, parents & teens, Boards of Directors (numerous ones) where a number of individuals within these systems don’t trust one another. And, unfortunately, the problem is that they have learned not to trust. That is, in many cases there was some level of trust previously that has now been undermined.

How does this happen?

Let’s first talk about some key components that are needed for trust to exist. One model defines trust as being comprised of three core components: competency, reliability, and looking out for your interests. Let’s look at each component more closely.

Competency. As I have stated previously, trust is situation-specific. Trust can only truly be defined within a context. No adult (except foolishly) trusts someone for all things in all situations. [Children may, but I have to think about that.] This is because no one is competent in every skill needed in life.

I may trust my financial advisor to develop a balanced approach to investing my savings, but I am not going to entrust my body to him to do heart surgery – because that is not his area of competency. We trust people in situations for which we believe they are competent.

Reliability. Part of trust has to do with the belief that a person is going to “be there” when they are supposed to. An employer expects a worker to show up for work day after day. A child expects their mother to “be there” when they need them. When we have a team working together on a project, we expect our team members to show up and be prepared for their role. Conversely, you may have a gifted and talented team member who really shines during presentations, but if they occasionally are late to meetings, come not prepared, or don’t show at all, then your trust for them in those situations is seriously undermined.

Looking out for your interests. If an advisor for your business is highly competent and reliable, but you are not sure they are primarily considering your interests in the work they are doing for you, you probably have an undertow of mistrust in your interactions with them. This is at the heart of the problem of trust in many business relationships – there are competing interests among various individuals and groups. And if you are not convinced that your interests are being considered (at least as highly as others’ interests), then it will be difficult for you to fully entrust your situation to others without seriously evaluating how they will benefit from the transaction.

From this perspective, trust is much like a three-legged stool. You can have two of the legs, but the stool won’t function without all three. Let’s examine each scenario:

Competency + Reliability – Looking Out For Your Interests. This combination leads to mistrust of the other person’s motives. No matter how well they can perform, you always feel like you have to “watch your back” so you won’t be taken advantage of.

Competency + Looking Out For Your Interests – Reliability. This is the “I just wish …” scenario. You have a competent individual whom you trust their desire to help you. But they just can’t keep it together to show up reliably (or on time), be prepared, and follow through on commitments made. You would like to partner with them, but you are concerned about the ramifications when they let you down.

Reliability + Looking Out For Your Interests – Competency. These are quality people who are faithful, will show up when they say they will, and they want to help you out. But they just don’t have the skills, training or experience needed to get the job done at the quality level you need. Often they are “over-reaching” their skill and ability level out of a desire to help (or to grow professionally), and as a result, often others need to come in and help finish the job.

Trust rarely is “all or nothing”. Remember, trust is situation-specific. In most of our relationships, our willingness to trust (or not trust) is not a black-and-white, “all or nothing” position. Rather, there are certain situations that we would be willing to trust the person, and there are other circumstances where we would not be willing to trust them.

This is an important point because in meetings I often hear people say, “I don’t trust him”, or “I’m sorry, but I just can’t trust her” – as if it is a carte blanche position. I work hard at helping people reframe both their thinking and their speech – to more clearly delineate “for what” they currently are unwilling to trust the other person. (“Currently” is an important word as well, because we want to frame the situation whereby the other person could potentially demonstrate they are trustworthy, and be trusted in the future in a similar situation.)

The Creation of Mistrust. An important question is: how do individuals come to mistrust others in their lives (family members, business partners, colleagues, suppliers)? The obvious answer is: “from a lack of one (or more) of the three requisite ingredients for trust.” And this is true. [I would propose that a lack of reliability is a common source of mistrust, especially in personal relationships, while doubt about the other person’s genuine concern for your interests is a more common source in business-related relationships.]

But a closer examination of relationships characterized by mistrust actually leads to some additional sources.

Lack of adequate, clear communication. Unfortunately, mistrust can develop through a lack of information communicated, or communicated clearly. How often do you hear, in the midst of a conflict, someone say, “Oh! I didn’t realize that”, or “Well, if I would have known that I would have reacted differently.”

Guilt by association. Some business professions have a reputation for being largely self-interested (used car salesmen, professionals who sell life insurance) – that their primary goal is to make a sale, whether the product is what you want , need or not. This puts trustworthy individuals in these professions at a disadvantage. They must work harder to demonstrate that they are considering the interests of the potential customer in the transaction they are proposing.

Misunderstanding of the other person’s intent. In situations where self-interest can be a factor, and where there has not been a long-standing trusting relationship, the misinterpretation of motives can easily occur. Many times people mistrust others because they have a misunderstanding of the potential benefits that might be realized, and think the person is acting primarily from self-interest.

Mismatch of expectations. Sometimes relationships are strained with one party’s expectations not met by another’s well-intended actions. If a friend volunteers to help decorate the banquet room for a fund-raising event, and the quality of the work is below your expectations, tension can arise. Often this is the result of lack of clear communication about what is expected.

A summary word: trust is easily lost, especially when people quit communicating with one another. Whenever possible, if you believe another person is struggling with trusting you in a situation, be proactive and find out what the issue is. I think you will find that the beginnings of mistrust can quickly be corrected either through an apology (if you have not followed through on a commitment made), clarifying your actions and intent, or coming to an understanding of unmet expectations and how these might be addressed in the future.

Recently, I went to our state high school track and field championship meet — it is a wonderful spectacle — thousands of student athletes, coaches, friends and family members in one stadium. Vibrant colors are displayed in the uniforms, supportive T-shirts and baseball caps, and tents (to keep the students out of the sun). Lots of sunshine, sunscreen and water bottles.

The Saturday morning before I went to the meet to watch a friend run in the sprinting events (100 meter, 200 meter, 4 x 100 meter relay), I went for a jog by my house — which meant I was running on a dirt road with pot holes and “washboard” on the road. In the evenings, my wife and I often take walks together down the road, as well.

And I started thinking about the differences between walking, jogging and sprinting — both physically, but also in life.

Sprinting. Sprinting is cool. It is flashy. In track, the sprint events are the high profile events. At the highest level of competition, the winner of the 100 meter dash is known as “the fastest man in the world”. And man, these guys and gals can fly. They are smooth and they move with beauty.

But the events only last 10 to 50 seconds, depending on the event. “Crack”, goes the starting pistol. The athletes fly down the track. And then it is over. Someone often gets hurt — falling at the finish line, or pulling up gimpy with a pulled muscle.

Jogging. Jogging — or in track, the long distance races (1600 meters [the metric equivalent of a mile], 3200 meters or the 4 x 800 relay) — are less flashy. For some, they are boring. Young women and men steadily running around the track several times. There is a little excitement and jostling for position at the beginning of the race. Many times there is an exciting finish between two runners sprinting for the finish. (And many times there is no excitement, given the large distance between the runners.) The runners are exhausted at the end and require quite a bit of time to recover from the race.

Walking. In most track meets, there are no walking races. At longer running events (2 mile races, 10K races) they may have a two mile walking race, but they aren’t very common. Walking just isn’t much of a sporting event for most people. It is boring to watch for very long. It isn’t as physically demanding for the individual — so most athletes pursue other events.

Let’s discuss some observations and lessons for daily life that can be derived from the characteristics and differences between walking, jogging and sprinting.

Sprinting is flashy, takes a lot of talent and preparation but isn’t used much in daily life. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the need to sprint (literally, to run as fast as I can for a short distance) very often. Jogging is more for trying to keep in shape. But mostly, I walk.

In life, there are people I see from a distance or occasionally meet who seem incredibly cool. They are mega-talented, have a lot of style, and they seem to have the world by the tail. They go at a fast pace and are high profile.

But as I watch them over the long haul, many of them don’t really have staying power. They are a “flash in the pan” — bright lights & a lot of energy — but they are gone tomorrow. And often, their careers are short.

If I get in the mode of trying to sprint at work — moving real fast, making quick decisions, trying to impress others, and being primarily focused on image — I burn out fast. I don’t really get that much done. And I burn a lot of resources that require substantial time to recover. And often, I make mistakes.

Jogging takes a fair amount of effort and the distance people can jog varies greatly. Some people are in better shape than others (obviously). But even among runners, their stamina differs greatly — and you can’t necessarily tell by just looking at them.

In life, individuals differ significantly in how much emotional, mental and relational energy they have. And people’s level of personal discipline varies significantly, too. There are a lot of people who don’t have a boat-load of talent, but through commitment to get good training and daily personal discipline of doing what they need to day-in and day-out, they get a lot of work done (or develop stamina to run long distances.)

But jogging, and working consistently at a fast pace, takes energy and commitment. It is easier to walk (or not do anything), and in life, it is easier to “hang out”, do leisure activities, and not pursue goals. That is why — both for those who run long distances and those who get tasks done — joggers usually have a goal and work a disciplined plan to get there.

Most of life involves walking and walking allows for other things to be done at the same time. The majority of our life involves walking — around the house, at work, while shopping, etc. And we know walking is good for us physically. By definition, walking means you are going somewhere (versus being stagnant and passive.) In career development, I tell my coaching clients one of the major mistakes people make is to “not be going anywhere” — they are passive and waiting for something to happen.

One of things I like about walking is that I am able to do something else at the same time — think and reflect, pray, talk with Kathy, or just enjoy nature around me. When I jog (or on the rare occasion I may sprint for a short distance), my focus is on the physical activity. I am not thinking about much else.

The same is true at work or in life. If I am going at a normal walking pace, I am able to think and reflect, interact with others and enjoy the world around me while I am working. I get things done but I am not exhausted at the end of the day and I have energy left to do other things. And yes, it seems like it takes longer to get tasks done at this pace versus when I am rushing, but like the hare and the tortoise, I probably come out “ahead” at the end.

Steve Prefontaine, one of the preeminent long distance runners in the 1970’s said:

“Life’s battles don’t always go to the strongest or fastest man, but sooner or later the man who wins is the fellow who thinks he can.”

What are other lessons we can learn from these three activities? Think about it this week as you are walking.

There is a relatively new field of social science (i.e. the study of social behavior) called behavioral economics. It has been around for about 10 years formally. And two of the leaders in the field (Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky) received a Nobel prize a few years back. As a psychologist, initially I had a bit of a cynical view of the field — largely because the idea of economists telling us about behavior patterns struck me as rather ludicrous (economists aren’t known for being very accurate predictors of anything.) But, ta-da!!, it turns out that most of the leaders in the behavioral economics field are actually trained as psychologists (Kahneman, Tversky, and Ariely).

In the past, I have written on the psychology of investing and also the kinds of errors investors make (for example, pulling out your money after the stock market has dropped, and putting it back in after the stock market has already rebounded significantly — sounds like the fall of 2008 and spring of 2010).

Recently, Dan Ariely, a psychologist and behavioral economist at Duke University has been in the news. He has written a new book, The Upside of Irrationality and it was recently previewed in Forbes.

I have his previous book, Predictably Irrational, and thought I’d share a few of his observations and conclusions which I think are quite applicable in our daily lives.

Just to whet your appetite, here are some of the chapter titles:

The Fallacy of Supply and Demand
The Power of a Free Cookie
The Power of Price
The Cost of Social Norms.

The premise of the book is that people do not make rational decisions — especially with regards to money (spending, buying, saving, investing). And further, that we are predictably irrational — there are patterns that we follow.

Let me share from the section entitled, The Truth about Relativity. The main point is that “humans rarely choose things in absolute terms. . . Rather, we focus on the relative advantage of one thing over another. . . We are always looking at the things around us in relation to others. We can’t help it. . . (w)e not only tend to compare things with one another but also tend to focus on comparing things that are easily comparable — and avoid comparing things that cannot be compared easily. . . We like to make decisions based on comparisons.”

Ariel then cites a series of experiments that show a number of principles:

1. People like to make decisions by means of comparing choices (what clothes washing machine to buy, what job offer to take, who to date).

2. If a person does not have an alternative to compare to, they very likely will “pass” and decide “no”.

3. When there are multiple alternatives, people usually (not always, there are some other factors that can intervene) choose the “middle” option. They don’t want the most expensive and they don’t want the cheapest (items on a restaurant menu, clothing, professional services).

4. The downside to comparing, is that we often feel unsatisfied with what we have when comparing to those around us (feeling others have a better job than we do, a better car, took a better vacation, etc.) So comparing usually leads to dissatisfaction.

So here are some of my observations and applications.

a) Although it is good to differentiate yourself in the marketplace from your competitors, if you are too different, potential customers can’t compare you to the competition and they will not choose to use you.

b) When marketing goods or services, know who your competition is and what their price points are. Try to fall in the middle price range (but offer more value).

c) If you are offering a new or unique product or service, provide at least two options (a more expensive one and the one you really want to sell) so customers have a “choice”. [Ariely actually cited a study that demonstrated this application.]

d) If you want to limit your spending, surround yourself with individuals whose lifestyle is lower than yours — not higher. When you compare yourself to what car they drive, where they buy their clothes, and where they go on vacation, you will feel less pull to “trade up” and spend more.

e) When you are shopping, be aware that marketing departments of stores know about the tendency of people to choose the middle price option — often the lower price is actually a better deal.

Have a great week — and watch that irrational behavior!

My wife (Kathy) and I have been married 30 years. We are both college-educated and fairly good communicators. Most people understand us when we talk or write.

But sometimes we have a hard time communicating with each other. It is not that we don’t try, or that one of us doesn’t want to understand. But occasionally (I think it is only occasionally), one of us just doesn’t “get” what the other person is saying. I will admit that the person in our relationship that doesn’t “get it” most often is usually me.

She is trying to communicate something and I’m listening. I’m nodding like I understand. I feedback to her what she just said. And I may get the words right, but it is clear to her (sometimes, also to me) that I am not really understanding what she is trying to say. Even now, I think of conversations where I am nodding, “Yea, yea”, and then all-of-a-sudden I get ‘fogged’. “Whoa, wait a minute. You lost me there. I got point A, and point B, but then I’m not sure where you went from there.” And she tries again, with different words, but I find myself wincing and squinting, shaking my head side-to-side and just generally being confused.

Recently, we had this experience again. She was sharing about some challenges in our relationship, and I’m listening. But I am not getting it. And she is getting frustrated with herself that she can’t communicate her thoughts, feelings and experiences in a way that I understand what she is trying to say.

Ok, so I am a psychologist. And I am supposed to be this expert in human interactions — relationships, communication, feelings, and all that. This isn’t supposed to happen to me or in my marriage. (Wrong.)

So we agreed to try an experiment — some creative problem-solving, if you will. Since we have had this experience at least a few times, and seem to get stuck at the same place, we agreed we need to try something different. We are going to try to communicate these thoughts & feelings differently.

Here’s some things we are going to try (or, at least, consider as options):

Write it down. Sometimes people are better able to communicate more clearly when they write down their thoughts. This allows them to review what they have written and see if it really expresses what they are trying to say. It also slows down the interaction so the receiver doesn’t respond right away and you get into a quick interchange, which can lead to heightened emotions or getting off track.

Draw a picture. Drawing a picture of how you are feeling now, and possibly a picture of how you would like things to be may “break through” and help the person see the situation differently. It can be an actual drawing of the situation, or a “feeling picture” that represents what you are experiencing inside.

Use a word picture. Use some daily life situation that can serve as an example of what you are thinking. “It’s like cooking. You have the ingredients. You put them together, but not in the right order. And so the cake doesn’t turn out right.”

The best kinds of word pictures are those using examples and experiences most familiar to the recipient of the message. If you are trying to get your husband to understand something, use objects and processes that are part of his life — sports, fishing, planning a project at work, food, mechanics, computers — whatever it is.

Find some media (song, book poem, video clip) that says or shows what you are trying to communicate. This could be tough, but there are media examples out there that communicate our internal experience better than what we can say ourselves. It could be a song (Carole King’s “You’re So Vain” comes to mind!), or a passage from a book (keep it short), a poem (don’t get too metaphorical), or a clip from a movie (this could be good if the guy doesn’t infer too much from the rest of the movie).

You may have other suggestions. I’m open to ideas. We will see how it goes (I’ll let you know if we have a major breakthrough).

I think the encouraging part is — we keep trying. We know each other is trying. We aren’t giving up (yet) on trying to communicate. Maybe it’s me as an individual person. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy. Maybe it’s just tough for men and women to fully understand each other. Maybe it is something else. We haven’t figured it out yet. I will let you know if / when we do.

We usually think of opposites in terms of a simple, “either-or” relationship — such as light and darkness, large and small, heavy and light.  And these opposites exist on a single continuum, with the opposing characteristics being on the ends of the spectrum.

But there are some relationships which are more complex, where there is more than one characteristic that can be opposite of another.  For example, in comparing a “good meal” with a bad one, there are different factors that can lead to that judgment.  The quality of the basic ingredients, the correct amount of the ingredients, combining the ingredients in the proper order and utilizing the appropriate process, the degree and duration of cooking, the temperature of the food when presented, and the combination of the various dishes prepared — all lead to the combined quality of the meal.  So a meal can be unsatisfactory because the food is too salty, the meat was overcooked and tough, the vegetables are room temperature, the baker used baking soda instead of baking powder, or you don’t especially like a spicy green salsa on your cranberry apple salad.

Similarly, it seems that there is more than one “opposite” of being thankful.  In fact, if you think of the term “opposite” being rooted in the meaning of “opposing”, the issue becomes more clear.

So, as we approach the Thanksgiving holiday, instead of the traditional approach of thinking about those things for which we are thankful (we is generally a good exercise to do), let’s look at those characteristics and attitudes which get in the way of being thankful.

• Apathy.  An “I don’t care” attitude reflects a lack of appreciation for one’s present circumstances.  Someone who is passive, has little interest or motivation in the current situation, really doesn’t understand how bad things could actually be.  (I believe apathy reflects a deeper sense of self-focus where the individual becomes passive when they can’t do what they want to.)
• Entitlement. When individuals come to believe that they deserve x, y, or z, then having that item or being able to do what they believe is their right becomes a baseline expectation for life.  And when we believe we have a right to something, we generally are not that thankful when we get it.
• Impatience.  When we are impatient (and usually, also irritable) in our current life circumstance, it follows that we are not really very thankful for the situation we find ourselves in.  Usually, we are quite focused on a very narrow aspect of the situation (being stuck in traffic and late to a meeting or event) and fail to see the positives of the broader context (having a car to travel in, living in a safe country).
• Envy.  Focusing on what others have that we don’t, or characteristics of their lives we wish were true for us lead us away from being thankful what we have and our current life circumstances. (Remember, there are 3 billion people who go to bed hungry every night.)
• Anger.  When we become angry, we essentially are saying (to ourselves and others) — “This should have (or shouldn’t have) happened ..”.  And when our expectations aren’t met, we become angry about it.  It seems to be pretty difficult to be thankful and angry at the same time, I think (try it!).
• Greed.  Have you ever been around a child who always wants more?  More toys.  More fun.  More food (to the point of excess).  They rarely seem to be thankful for what they just received or experienced, but rather quickly move on to “What’s next?”  As adults, we may have just completed a pleasurable experience, and are already looking on to the next fun thing to do.  Greed and gratefulness don’t co-exist.
• Worry. This is an interesting juxtaposition to thankfulness.  Worry and anxiety have to do with the future — x, y or z may happen; or “if Q happens, then …[some bad thing] will occur.”  It’s hard to be grateful and enjoy life when you are around someone who is anxious and worrisome.  Almost by definition, they are so focused on a possible future event, they cannot enjoy the present.

I am sure there are other characteristics and attitudes that interfere with, and oppose, being thankful. Some of the ones identified above create a sense of embarrassment for me, because they are too often true in my own daily life.  (Sorry about that to those of you who live closely with me.)

If you wouldn’t mind, take a moment and review the list.  Go slow and think about periods when you have struggled with these attitudes.  Think of specific times and circumstances. And when you are ready, choose to move on.  Resolve to battle these ways of thinking when they come up.
For some reason, there are always a few foundational things that I find myself repeatedly thankful for.  And I’d like to share some of them with you.  Those of you who have lived in more difficult times and places, or who have traveled in poorer countries, can probably identify with these relatively simple items:

• a hot shower
• a glass of clean, refreshing ice water
• air conditioning
• fresh fruit
• a warm house or a warm place to work
• a family member or friend who loves you
• pain relievers and medication
• money to be able to take care of an unexpected expense
• warm sunshine or a cool breeze
• no bugs biting me while I am in bed
• clean, dry clothes
• a variety of food to eat

I’ll stop there (although I’d love to keep going).

I hope you have a tremendous time with family and friends this coming week.  Be sure to them how much you appreciate how they have enriched your life!

I started reading a good book this week — A Game Plan for Life: The Power of Mentoring by John Wooden and Don Yaeger.  It was recommended to me by a good friend, and I always try to pass on worthwhile reading to others.

The first part of the book covers the seven mentors that influenced Coach Wooden (for those of you who don’t know, he was one of the most successful college basketball coaches of all time, at UCLA). In discussing different types of mentors (professional, personal, spiritual, etc.), he makes a fascinating point:

• “I know that my life has been blessed with incredible opportunities, and as a result, I have a responsibility to reach out to others to share the insights, experiences, heartbreaks, exhilaration — all the lessons I’ve managed to accrue through the nearly one hundred years that God has given me on this planet… Knowledge is nothing unless it is shared.  I know that knowledge for knowledge’s sake is a wonderful ideal, but in reality, it is the transmission of understanding that is the very basis of civilization.” (p.7).

As I work with multi-generational families and family-owned businesses, one of the core principles we emphasize is the process of transferring knowledge, intellectual capital, and life experiences from the senior generations to their children and grandchildren. It is not an easy process — I think it is one of those “important but not urgent” activities that Stephen Covey emphasizes.  Part of my role as a family coach is to help structure activities and processes to help make the transfer happen.
And as we come upon the Thanksgiving holiday, I tend to think about how to best use our time together as a family.  What traditions do we want to keep doing?  Which traditions really aren’t that important or have lost their meaning?  What conversations do I want to have with my adult children when they are home?  What information or life experiences do I want to share with them?

Here are seven “lessons for life” that John Wooden’s father shared with him on a card given at his high school graduation:

1. Be true to yourself.
2. Make each day your masterpiece.
3. Help others.
4. Drink deeply from good books.
5. Make friendship a fine art.
6. Build a shelter against a rainy day.
7. Pray for guidance and give thanks for your blessings every day. (p.13)

Think about those who have impacted your life and the lessons you learned from them — both from direct instruction and from their modeling.

And then think about what you want to pass on to those who are important to you.  Maybe take some time and share a life experience with someone younger: “You know, I was thinking about … and a lesson I learned. . . . “

Have a great week.

Recently, there has been an “outrage” expressed in the media and in some communities about the continued increase in violence in our country. About two weeks ago an honor student was beaten to death by peers in Chicago — and the violence was captured by cell phones.
In response to this incident a number of community leaders have called for “action” — and from their perspective this means more government programs, more community-based interventions — with the accompanying government funding. This is an example of another misguided understanding of what creates behavior and what is needed to help people make better choices.

So let’s look at the issues that together create a violent response.

Anger. Anger is one of the responses that comes from one’s expectations not being met. People get anger when “X shouldn’t have happened” or when “You should have done Y” and you didn’t. So a key aspect to understanding anger (and violence) is the mismatch between people’s expectations and their experience of reality.

I believe a key contributing factor to the increase of violence in our society is a growing lack of realistic expectations people have. You may insert your own beliefs of what unrealistic expectations are but mine include: the right to have money even if you don’t work, the right to have (health care, housing, insert almost anything) at the same level as anyone else who lives in the U.S. I think we need to take a serious look at the expectations we are creating for our society — they are not logically consistent nor realistically sustainable. As a result, unrealistic expectations + not matching our daily experience leads to increasing anger.

Constant Violent Images. I continue to be amazed at our society. Why are we surprised that violent acts are increasing when we are flooded with violent images? When a majority of our TV shows (CSI, Law & Order, etc.) every night of the week are based on someone getting killed or raped, when our children and teens come home and spend hours every week playing video games which simulate stealing, shooting, and beating up others, and when our music idolizes sexual violence — how else should we expect young adults to act?

Poor impulse control. As a culture we do not really value nor teach impulse control. Impulse control is the ability to stop and think before you act. It includes the ability to delay gratification — just because I want it, doesn’t mean I get it right now. Our “enjoy the moment”, “buy now, pay later”, and “I have the right to . . .” culture undermines the development of children’s and adolescents learning to “do the right thing” even if it doesn’t feel right. Our culture’s focus on pleasure is a distorted view of “happiness”. Happiness doesn’t come from getting every desire met immediately — true happiness comes from living life in a way that helps you live in harmonious relationships with others and achieving goals and accomplishments that enhance the quality of your life over time. [Think about eating healthily and exercising vs. eating sweets all the time and laying around the house playing video games.]

Societal acceptance. When a community loses its ability to communicate acceptance or judgment of unacceptable behavior, the unacceptable behavior will continue to grow in frequency. The moral relativity we have accepted in our culture has lead us to be reluctant to call anything “wrong” — but then we don’t understand when individuals go ahead do “wrong” things [e.g. Bernie Madoff and taking advantage of others financially). Peer pressure works — both positively and negatively. People still want to be accepted, not be shunned or embarrassed — and group pressure from a person’s community can impact their choices. But we have largely given up the power of this type of influence.

So what do we do? First, understand that violence is a personal choice, not primarily a societal problem to be solved by governmental intervention. Second, start to attack the issues that create the propensity for violence. Individually, I think we should refuse to watch violent TV shows (and write the networks or advertisers) and not purchase violent video games. Third, teach our children and families both realistic expectations for life, and the ability to control their impulses. And lastly (although it may not be politically correct) communicate concern and disappointment when those around you make poor choices — if you don’t, then they will come to believe that lying, cheating, stealing, and treating others poorly is acceptable.