This week my wife and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.  Neither she nor I can believe we have been married that long — part of it is that we just don’t feel that “old”! (To keep the edge of reality a bit less sharp, we usually comment that we were only 12 when we got married.)

But as we have shared about our milestone with others, we have been asked quite a few times:  “What are the ’secrets’ to being married that long?”  I started to reflect on the question and came up with a few thoughts in response that I thought I would share.

• Marry the right person.  This may sound strange — and doesn’t really help those who are already married –but marrying a person who has the foundational character qualities that are needed for maintaining a long term relationship is key.  Two come to mind (there are many, obviously) — 1) avoid someone who is easily offended and 2) a person who holds grudges.  Both make it really difficult to forgive.  The first (being easily offended) means the person is going to have to forgive you a lot over the future decades.  And the second (holding grudges) means that they have a hard time “letting go” of offenses, which undermines the ability to maintain a close long term relationship. Most of us are blinded by infatuation and physical attraction when we are looking for someone to marry.  Some of us are (or were) just young and clueless.  So finding the right person under those circumstances is largely due to God’s grace in our lives.  But if you are still looking for a spouse, be sure and look for the true qualities you desire. (On the other hand, don’t be looking for Prince Charming or ‘The Perfect Woman’ — they don’t exist in reality.)

• Both individuals need to become good at forgiving.  Throughout the months, years and decades of your marriage, you will screw up a lot; and your spouse will make a lot of mistakes, so it is critical for both parties to be able and willing to forgive one another.  I truly don’t know of any other way to make a long term relationship work — practicing forgiveness is key.  There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness — that you have to ‘forget’ what happened to be able to forgive; that forgiveness means what happened really didn’t matter or hurt; or that what the person did ‘wasn’t that big of a deal’ — none of which are true.  Forgiveness is essentially “letting go” and not holding the offense against the person any longer.  Easy to say, but a process which can take a long time to enact. [A great book on this issue is The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes.]
• Learn (and then practice) the ways that your spouse experiences being loved.  For a long time (I mean 25 years or so) Kathy and I struggled.  She was frustrated with me, not feeling like I cared for or about her.  And I didn’t feel like she appreciated me.  Then we read Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, and began to understand that each of us experiences being loved differently.  Kathy’s ‘love language’ is having focused attention and quality time; mine is verbal praise.  Once we understood our differences, and have worked at loving each other in the languages important to us (it has taken me longer than Kathy), then our frustrations have diminished.  Although the concepts of this book are pretty simple and not ‘magic’, they helped us get over a barrier in our relationship.
• Work on your relationship.  “Working on your relationship”, to me, means — make your marriage a priority.  You have to spend time, invest mental and emotional energy, be willing to spend money on your relationship — and say “no” to other things (hobbies, work, other relationships, leisure activities, activities with or for the kids).  Although I rarely looked forward to a marriage seminar or retreat (being honest), I almost always felt like there was significant benefit from going.  And I get tired of reading books on marriage, but I continue to glean helpful concepts and hints to make me a better husband.  Anything that you want to be of good quality takes time and effort.
• Be committed to stay married even when it’s tough and you don’t like your spouse.  Sometimes I feel ‘commitment’ is overly emphasized in weddings and advice to young couples — to the point that it seems that the only thing needed to stay married is commitment (which I don’t believe is true).  But, if you ask most couples who have been married a long time, the rock bottom foundation of being committed to staying married, no matter how tough it gets, has been true for them.  And it is true for us.  We have had times where it seemed it would have been easier (and less painful) to just call it quits.  And there were times where we really didn’t like each other much, and didn’t enjoy our relationship.  But we were committed to make it work, and to this point we have been able to do so. [An ASIDE:  I clearly believe that there are circumstances when it probably doesn’t make sense and can be dangerous to stay in a relationship — when there is drug or alcohol abuse, or anger and abuse issues.  Being committed doesn’t mean you should be foolish.]
• Give up trying to change your spouse (the “if only …” game).  Part of the ability to keep together (and get past those really tough times) comes with the true acceptance of the other person for who they are.  And even if it would be good for them to change for certain habits or to “grow” in character (patience, perseverance, follow-through, impulse control, you name it) — accepting that they may never change reduces a lot of conflict.  And yes, life would be better “if only …”, but “if only …” may not happen and you certainly aren’t going to make it happen in their life for them.  So accept the reality that your spouse is a flawed individual and that it would be helpful if you learn to live with them the way they are.
• Miscellaneous parting thoughts.   There are lots more principles — that is why there are so many books on marriage.  But I want to get on with my day, so let me just finish with some additional short comments.

1. Be thankful — for your life, for your spouse, for your family.
   
2. Learn to enjoy activities that you can do together.  Do things with your spouse that they enjoy — go along with them just because they like it.
3. Live within your means.  Financial stress from overextending your lifestyle creates additional unnecessary stress that can undermine your relationship.
4. Realize life is hard.  Enjoy the good times and persevere through the difficult ones.

Have a great week.  And if you are fortunate enough to be married — give your spouse a big hug and kiss sometime today.

Part of my job as a psychologist is to observe — observe patterns of behavior, be attune to my own thoughts and feelings, and to derive some potentially helpful information form patterns I see. In recent months and weeks, I have observed some factors in life that really wear people down — they are not really hidden but are often subtle. Sometimes they are obvious and plain, but people (both the person experiencing the aspect of life as well as those around them) tend to minimize the impact of the issue on their life.

So let me share some of my observations (remember, psychologists are often ‘masters of the obvious’!)

• Health issues and Chronic pain. Individuals who struggle with chronic pain are well aware of how even persistent low levels of pain can wear a person down. But those of us who are blessed not to have this struggle can experience this intermittently. Not too long ago my right ankle started bothering me — it was sore and swollen after I ran (using the term “run” loosely). I ignored it for a while but it persisted, so I finally decided to go have it checked out. After seeing my doc and then getting some tests, it turns out I have partially torn a tendon in my ankle. What has amazed me, however, is how this small injury and relatively mild level of pain can take a toll of my energy.
• Financial stress. Obviously, many in our country are experiencing significant stress in their lives due to a number of economic factors — loss of their job, reduction of hours and pay, foreclosure on their home. And the impact of these events on people’s lives is huge. But many, many other Americans are experiencing a lower level of financial stress that is more under the surface — wondering if they will continue to have a job in the coming months; lower cash flow that leads to deficiencies in their plans to pay for childcare, private school or college; or the family budget just being tighter on a month to month basis.
• Loneliness or Lack of Emotional Support. A chronic complaint I hear from many people is that they don’t feel connected to anyone. Yes, they may be married and have children — and they may even have a decent marriage relationship. But most people need more than one person with whom to connect, feel cared for, and have a sense of community. Teenagers, single young adults, stay-at-home moms with preschoolers, successful business people, older adults — all talk to me about their frustration in building meaningful, lasting relationships with others in their lives.
• Significant Life Changes. Late summer is one of the most transient times of the year — children are going to new schools, young adults are entering or returning to college, individuals who work in educational settings are staring new positions, graduates from last spring are still to figure out where they are going to work and live. Parents of college freshman may experience sending their first child to college — or their last (our situation) and looking at the issues related to being “empty- nesters”. Life change can be stimulating and exciting, and at the same time anxiety-producing.
• Relational Conflicts. All of us who have experienced (or are experiencing) relational stress understand both the emotional and physical toll living in conflictual relationships take. Physical symptoms can include sleep disturbance, headaches, fatigue, upset stomach, or back and shoulder tension. Recently, I had a professional relationship that created tension and turmoil in my life — and it just wore me out. It wasn’t even a major conflict, but an issue that took a while to address, and I could sense its impact on me daily.
• Lack of Purpose or Direction. When people don’t know “where they are going”, or if they don’t see a larger purpose for their life and what they are doing, not only can they become discouraged, but they also seem to become fatigued emotionally. They just drag throughout the day, and run out of energy doing regular daily life tasks. Seeing how today relates to the “big picture” of life seems to be important.

So what should we do with these non-surprising observations? I think there are at least two practical action steps that flow from the points.

First, take a self-inventory. How many of these factors are in your life currently? Does their presence help make some sense of your recent lack of energy and tiredness? If so, acknowledge these stressors present in your life. Give yourself some slack. Regroup and assess what steps you need to take to either address the stressors or to manage your life better while they are present.

Secondly, be aware of those around you. See if the people in your life (family members, friends, co-workers, classmates) have these issues going on in their lives. Be gracious and supportive to them. Be a friend. Be patient with them if they aren’t “performing” up to their normal functioning (whether it’s at home, work or elsewhere).

Life is tough; sometimes more than other times. Hang in there. We are all in this together (we really are). If you are doing ok, help somebody else out.  It will be your turn eventually.

I like to learn from others who have been successful.  In our culture, some people look to successful business leaders; others look to athletes or entertainers.  I find some of the best advice from wise people from the past — from classic literature from previous civilizations and cultures.

Here are some thoughts from a king and writer of literature from about 3,000 years ago:

Wisdom in the most important thing; so get wisdom. If it costs everything you have, get understanding.  Treasure wisdom, and it will make you great; hold onto it, and it will bring you honor.”   He goes on to espouse the pre-eminence of acquiring wisdom, and that it will lead to virtually everything else good in life — wealth, influence, health, and peace.

So the question becomes — how does one become wise?  The author responds to this question:

Don’t follow the ways of the wicked; don’t do what evil people do.  Avoid their ways, and don’t follow them.  Stay away from them and keep on going, because they cannot sleep until they do evil.

The author then lays out the principles for obtaining wisdom:

1. Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life.
2. Don’t use your mouth to tell lies; don’t ever say things that are not true.
3. Keep your eyes focused on what is right, and look straight ahead to what is good.
4. Be careful what you do, and always do what is right.
5. Don’t turnoff the road of goodness; keep away from evil paths.

So to summarize, he encourages his readers to:

• manage their thoughts,
• watch what they say and speak with honesty,
• keep focused on the good
• act with integrity
• keep away from those who repeatedly make poor choices.

I find these thoughts interesting and applicable to our lives today because there are so many voices telling us what to do and how we should live.  Being past 50 years old and having had the opportunity to view different economic and political seasons, it has become more evident to me that living according to patterns of behavior that have been proven over long periods of time (decades, centuries) is wise.

Although some patterns (leveraging business ventures through credit, buying now and paying later for personal purchases) can work within a short time frame or certain conditions, living within one’s means, saving for the future, and taking preventative steps to manage potential risks seem to work well over the long term.  They are not as exciting, and also are not as potentially rewarding within the short term.

Some may say:  “Desperate times call for desperate measures” and this may be true.  But many desperate people have perished by making unwise decisions in their desperation.  I hope this does not become the case for our country.

I am not an economist (thankfully).  But economists, meteorologists (those who try to predict the weather), and psychologists are somewhat in the same situation — our ’sciences’ are not very “hard” — that is, they often are not solidly grounded in data and they lack power to predict.  For example, last night there was no prediction at all of any precipitation and we had a major rain and hailstorm in our area (up to baseball sized hail!).  Part of the problem for all three of these sciences is that there are numerous inter-related factors (many of which are still unknown) that need to be accounted for in trying to predict what will happen.

The point is — no one really has a good handle on the future of the U.S. (and global) economy.  Just turn on the TV or radio and you will hear numerous opinions on what is happening, and what needs to happen to make our economic situation improve.

But let’s take a look at the basics and this will give us some clues.  Economic activity, at its core, is the exchange of goods, services or information for monetary value.  Going back to some basic cause and effect relationships we can follow the following line of thought:

• People work and receive money for their services.
• When people don’t have jobs, they don’t make (as much) money.
• When people don’t have as much money and don’t see the opportunity for more money come in, they either don’t spend as much, or spend on credit.
• At some point, most people, when their income is reduced over a period of time, reach a limit of what they can buy on credit or realize it is not a wise pattern to continue.
• Eventually, people begin to “cut back” on non-essential spending (eating out, recreational activities) and also tend to slow down the process of replacing existing belongings (new technology, new clothes, furniture, cars).
• The lack of spending means businesses are selling less goods and services, receiving less income, and have to cut back expenses in their business, which includes labor.  Hence, they reduce employees’ hours or lay off employees.
• These people now have less money to spend.
• And thus, the negative spiral of an economic downturn continues.

The key question becomes: how does this negative cycle turn around?  This is where economics becomes largely theoretical, and an individual’s answer is related to their beliefs about economic activity and individuals’ behavior.  President Obama and others believe governmental intervention is necessary. Others believe letting the free market forces drive the process.  And obviously, there are combined approaches.

I believe that this is where understanding the psychology of our culture is important.  In actuality, as in economics, there are actually two fairly diverse sets of beliefs that exist is our culture.  And these belief systems drive different expectations and behaviors.

Cultural Belief System #1:

• I deserve “x”.  I have had “x” before, and I still want it. [Note: “x” can be a lot of things — money, a job, health care, free time, retirement benefits, a nice home, etc.]
• If you have “x” and I don’t, you should share at least some of your “x” with me.
• If I don’t have “x”, somebody should do something so that I can have it.
• The problem (of whatever causes me not to have “x”) lies in a greater system of rules, organizations, factors that I don’t have much control over.

Cultural Belief System #2:

• Life is what it is, including bad (or unfair) circumstances.
• Some of my life’s circumstances are directly related to my choices; some circumstances come from factors outside of my control.
• If I want the circumstances in my life to be different, it is largely up to me to figure out how to make that happen. There may be some larger system issues that may need to be changed, but I can’t depend on that happening.
• Making my life’s circumstances better may require me doing things I would prefer not to — work long hours, do work that I don’t enjoy; relocate; be away from my family for a while; live a simpler lifestyle than I am used to.
• I will do what I can to improve my circumstances, knowing there are no guarantees, and hope for the best.

And here we come to a critical factor that can impact a person’s future:  hope.  Psychologists believe that the loss of hope is a key component of depression.  A person can go through a lot of negative circumstances — and become discouraged, worn out or sad.  But when they lose hope that “things will get better”, that is when more serious depression develops.  They give up.

So here is what I predict, as a psychologist.

1. The economic recovery is going to take longer than what most Americans want.  This is due to the economic reality that the ultimate recovery is related to job creation and the resulting economic activity that occurs, and this appears to be a long-term issue.  And secondly, our culture is very present-oriented with little patience.  We want things “now”, and this is unlikely to occur.
2. There will be two groups of people that experience the economic downturn differently:

a)  There will be people who expect life to be “like it used to be”, and expect someone else to make that happen (largely, the government or maybe ‘big business’ or the wealthy.)  These people will become increasingly impatient, angry, and demanding of others.  Their focus will be on economic relief programs and governmental bailouts.

b) There will be a group of individuals who take steps in their lives to make the best of a bad situation, and who will ultimately (some, not all) find opportunities economically — to provide goods, services or information that others need and are willing to pay for.  Their life circumstances will probably be difficult for a period of time but they will “deal with it” and continue on.   There will be a portion of this group who will find significant economic success as a result of their efforts (there are always people who find ways to make money in difficult economic times.)

I think it may be a good time for each of us to ask ourselves:

• What do I believe about what is happening?
• Which group do I want to be a member of?

Recently, the reality of people losing their jobs has been hitting quite close to home.  Living in the city where most aircraft are built in the U.S., and the struggles aircraft manufacturers are experiencing have made knowing individuals who have been laid off from work a personal experience.  And the secondary job losses are significant as well — suppliers to the aircraft manufacturers, graphic designers, retail sales, professionals in the real estate arena — all are experiencing the effects.

I am reticent to personally give advice to individuals who are walking on paths I have not had to walk yet.  However, I did find the following ideas in some recent articles, and thought they might be of some help.

Given the current financial crisis, Psychology Today decided to interview a number of successful professionals and find out the role that “failure” played in their personal and professional development.  Here are a few of the comments and findings:

• There is a difference between failures and Failure, just like the difference that exists between financial diminshment and bankruptcy, and marital strife / divorce.
• Failure hurts but can pay off in the form of learning, growth, and wisdom.  Some psychologists … go even further, arguing that adversity, setbacks, and even trauma actually may be necessary for people to be happy, successful and fulfilled.
• J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series of books experienced a series of failures including a broken marriage, and poverty that bordered on homelessness.  She states:  “Failure stripped away everything inessential.  It taught me things about myself I could have learned no other way.”
• Paul MacCready, Jr., a famous aeronautical engineer who won the Kremer Prize for the world’s first human-powered airplane, depended on failure to help him succeed.  He designed his airplane to crash well, so that it would protect the pilot and the plane could be quickly repaired, so he could learn quickly from his failures.
• The difference between people who come out of failure successfully and those who do not seems to be related to the degree of ‘rumination’ that is allowed to continue.  “Failing better” is related to three aspects: controlling our emotions, adjusting our thinking, and recalibrating our beliefs about ourselves and what we can do in the world.
• Many argue that failure is necessary for growth.  So protecting ourselves (or our children) from failure limits our exposure to growth opportunities.  Conversely, too much failure can discourage and lead to one’s spirit being crushed — to the point of giving up.  How much failure is too much?  Two really helpful answers (being sarcastic):  “It depends” (on the stage of life and unique characteristics of the individual; and “We don’t really know.”

From a companion article, here are “Nine ways to fail better” by Bruce Grierson.

1. Lighten up — have a sense of humor.
2. Join the club — commiserate with others in similar situations.
3. Feel guilt, not shame — learn from your mistakes,but don’t accept the belief that “I am a failure”.
4. Cultivate optimism — put yor negative thoughts on trial and rebut them; they often are not based in reality.
5. Ask not what the world can do for you . . .  –  you now have the opportunity to do something different with your life.
6. Scale down your expectations for yourself — repeatedly failing to meet your expectations for yourself may indicate you need to re-evaluate realistic expectations for yourself.
7. Keep a journal, learn from what you are thinking and feeling, and use those lessons to take action.
8. Don’t blame yourself — blaming yourself for the bad things that happen to you (i.e. attributing all cause to yourself) is an error in thinking that causes people to become stuck, rather than to become stuck, rather than moving forward.
9. Act! — failure provides an opportunity to do something different, but only if you act on the opportunity.

I hope some of these thoughts may be helpful to you — or forward them to a friend or family member you know who finds themselves in this difficult situation.

As a psychologist, I naturally find myself observing people’s behavior — their choices, what they are saying, and how they are feeling.  And this is the case now, in the midst of the difficult economic times in which we find ourselves (I am consciously choosing not to use the term “financial crisis”.)

There are three core aspects to any situation that involves human perception and response:

• Reality.  What actually “is” — the facts of the situation. (Using a non-related example: the temperature — which is about 30 degrees F. on a mid March day.)
• Perceptions. How people perceive, view, and interpret the facts.  (Regarding the weather, it seems excessively cold and wintery for this time of year; especially since it was 70 degrees for a few days last week.)
• Reactions.  How people respond both to the reality and their perceptions of the situation — their opinions, feelings, and behaviors. (Many people are somewhat irritable, complaining of the cold [because “it should be warmer”], some people are going on trips to warmer climates.)

These issues are relevant to the current economic challenges we are facing.  First, we must ask ourselves: What are the facts?  Some include:  a) real estate values have dropped significantly (30%-50%) in the past six months;  b) stock values have also decreased significantly (40%-50%) and are the lowest level they have been in decades;  c) as a result of these two factors, individuals’ and families’ financial worth is far lower than it was this time last year;  d) numerous companies are laying off workers and unemployment is at 8%, also a high mark for recent years;  e) financial institutions and the credit market are stressed;  f) the Federal government is taking significant steps to try to rectify the situation.

The next two areas are where we as individuals, families, businesses, communities and a nation, can get “tripped up”, if we are not careful.

Two unhealthy responses to difficult situations include:

1. Ignoring the facts.  As Jim Collins emphasized in Good to Great, successful companies (and by inference, individuals, families, et al) need to brutally face the facts of reality.  Acting like “what is” really “isn’t”, doesn’t help.  Some people call this denial.
2. Panicking and making emotionally-based decisions.  Yes, these are difficult times.  Is it a “crisis”?  Maybe.  Time will tell.  But becoming frantic, making quick not-well-thought-through decisions is not a good strategy.  (Note that some people become paralyzed when they panic and “do nothing” — which may not be a helpful strategy either.)

So what are healthier ways to respond to the current situation (”healthier” as defined functionally by thoughts and actions that lead to survival and better functioning in the future):

• Pay attention to important facts, but don’t become overwhelmed with more information than you can process (and filter out extraneous “noise” — other people’s thoughts, feelings & reactions).  It is important for each of us to understand what is going on in our country, communities, and the world.  But Americans have become ‘news junkies’ and taken in more information than we can possibly manage, process, and respond to — especially on talk radio and cable TV news channels.  The basic facts are there and that is largely what we need to know.
• Make reasoned decisions that lower your exposure to the risks that you can manage.  Each of us can make some individual decisions that can help us manage our own risks — whether at an individual, family, or business level.  Steps like managing expenses more closely, not going into unnecessary debt, and taking advantage of purchasing opportunities due to the economic situation — all are reasonable steps.
• Be thankful and learn to be content.  Most of us are still in situations where we have jobs and income, a place to live, food on the table, and live in safety (I do not want to minimize those who are in more difficult circumstances, but these situations are still true for most Americans.) If this is true for you, be thankful.  There are billions in the world less fortunate.  Also, learn to be content with what you have — your job, your car, your life circumstances — versus focusing on what you wish was different or “what should have been.”
• Be gracious and generous to others.  Most of us know individuals, families and businesses who are struggling currently.  A trap that some fall into is to be judgmental of others — thinking that they are in their current circumstance because “they didn’t …” or “they shouldn’t have …”.  In some cases that may be true.  But in most cases, people are where they are due to many circumstances out of their control.  [In either case, how does it help them to judge them?]  We now have the opportunity to be warm, caring and supportive — and potentially to be generous in some way (maybe with our time, maybe by connecting them with a potential employer).
• Manage your own stress effectively.  Try to limit your exposure to negative spins on the current facts — anger, resentment and bitterness don’t lead to a healthy life.  Manage your own thoughts, worries and anxieties.  Exercise.  Sleep. Take time for re-energizing yourself.  Spend time with friends and family.  (All things that we know we should do.)

Just as many individuals recount some of the more difficult periods in their lives as the most rich and rewarding times, so we also have the opportunity to come through these current circumstances as stronger individuals, families, communities, and possibly, a stronger healthier nation.

So, “Carpe diem!” (along with grace and peace in your daily life and relationships).

I have been collecting some articles on psychology and wealth from a variety of journals I receive, and recently there was a group of articles published in the Monitor of Psychology which is published by the American Psychological Association.  I thought I would briefly share some of the information reported.
One article in the January 2009 Monitor entitled “Mind over money” was an interview with Dr. Paul Zak who is the founder of the Center for Neuroeconomics Studies.  He is the author of a recent book, Moral Markets: The Critical Role of Values in the Economy (2008).  In discussing the neurology and brain functioning of certain behaviors, he states: “You need to know that your brain is prone to overreaction. . . When there’s a lot of uncertainty, like there is in the stock market, it turns out that making decisions involving money generates strong activation in the areas of the brain associated with fear. .. Studies have shown that brain areas that process risk are the same ones that process pain, so the brain’s reaction to this fearful, uncertain environment is ‘Get away!’”

Dr. Zak continues, “The same dopamine [a brain chemical] system … also activates when we get any kind of new news.  One thing I suggest .. is not to watch TV, where you’re going to get all this rumor and innuendo. Wait until the next morning and read the papers.”

“Just as we saw an overreaction when the market was trending strongly upward, I think we’re also seeing an overreaction as the bubble is bursting.  The brain has put you into survival mode.”

Another article, entitled “What’s Behind American Con$umeri$m?”, (from the July / August 2008 Monitor on Psychology) attempts to answer the question is:  ‘Why do Americans consistently spend more than they earn?’  For example, since 1982 it is reported Americans’ personal savings rate has dropped from 11 percent to below zero.

Some different ideas postulated to answer the question of reduced spending include:

• When we are under stress (as most Americans are), we are more at risk for spending.
• The availability of credit cards to young adults conditions them to the process of incurring debt at a young age.
• Credit cards also facilitate impulse buying (more than buying with cash or checks.)
• We are bombarded with constant messages to spend through TV, the Internet, catalogs, print media and bathroom stalls, airplane tray tables, even egg shells.

Finally, “The Price of Affluence” discusses recent research which shows that “privileged teens may be more self-centered — and depressed — than ever before.”  Although this is really not ‘new’ news, the theme continues.  One of the authors cited, Dan Kindlon from Harvard, has written an excellent book, Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children in an Indulgent Age.

Another psychologist, Madeline Levine, believes that much of the mental distress is created by a fear of failure (both by the teens and by their parents).  In fact, one study indicates that parents who overemphasized accomplishments were more likely to have teens who were depressed, anxious, or used drugs.  Additionally, it is suggested that parents not shield their children from early life disappointments — let them try and fail, and learn from it.

I have written previous entries that may provide some additional information (a few worth looking at are: The Price of Privilege; The Dark Side of Wealth; Contentment - A Counter Cultural Concept ).

Have a good week!

Almost all of us in the United States are now starting to personally experience some aspect of the global and national economic crisis.  Whether it is through a personal or family job loss, friends and extended family members who have been laid off, a slow down in your business, or projected reduced sales for next year — the impact is now personal.  This is different than hearing it on the news or reading statistics in a publication.

I resent the frenzy and panic the media seems to want to whip up, because this type of communication doesn’t help anyone.  We need to deal with the realities of life (like Jim Collins encourages businesses to do in Good to Great), but let’s do so in a healthy manner.

So let’s talk about the thought patterns that will help us cope with the challenges and stressors we are (or will be) facing — and how to keep our mental health and hope.

• Shorten your time frame.  Regardless of the challenging issue a family, individual or business faces, one of the key aspects for managing the crisis is to keep a short time frame in mind.  Deal with what you have to today or this week.  Do not spend a lot of time thinking about (or worrying about) six months from now, or next year — largely because there are so many factors that can change between now and then, you really can’t plan that far in advance.
• Manage your cash flow.  Almost every business or family I know that has gone under financially later reports that they wish they would have made changes (e.g. “cut back”) sooner.  So it would be wise to complete an budget review, especially of unnecessary expenses, and make appropriate adjustments — this should probably include projections for income over the coming months, as this might change as well.
• Adjust your expectations.  Life’s circumstances throws us changes.  What was true six months ago for us as a country, in your business, or your family is different now.  Therefore, the goals, desires or plans you had then for the future may not fit now.  Rigidly holding onto beliefs and expectations from the past will probably create undue stress.  What is going on now may not be “fair”, but it is what it is.
• Explore options you have previously ruled out.  Many times we exclude certain options because they aren’t acceptable given the current circumstances.    But when circumstances change, previously unacceptable options may need to be reconsidered (e.g. a teenager being willing to work at part-time at a restaurant; doing tasks yourself and working later in the evening or on weekends).
• Maintain an attitude of appreciation.   We all can probably find something to complain about.  And there are lots of people and decisions who are prime targets for criticism.  But what does that really gain (except for a brief time of tension release)?  So instead of adding to the negative conversations out there, first start with remembering the things that are good in your life — and then add these to conversations.  [We had a beautiful sunrise this morning.  I appreciate having a warm house when it is cold outside.  I am thankful I have reliable transportation to get to work — and that I don’t have to commute 60+ minutes one way.]
• Keep connected socially. When people go through difficult times, one means of coping with the stress is to withdraw socially.  Generally, this is not a good long-term strategy.  Yes, we need time to ourselves and time to think things through.  But to pull back from positive, supportive relationships puts us at risk for becoming isolated, cuts us off from available resources, and we can start to get weird (we need the reality check of conversations with friends to keep our thinking straight).

I appreciate the comments of Jack DeBoer, a local successful businessman who spoke recently and said:  “You can go out and talk to people today and tell them how tough things are, how it’s tougher now, and how much tougher it’s going to get. . . Or you can go out and figure out what to do in this environment.”

I am not a major history buff, but it seems to me that a lot of people survived the Great Depression, and almost always there are opportunities to be successful in difficult times.

I just finished traveling from Wichita to San Francisco this Election Day and was reflecting on the stress of prior Election Nights.  So I thought I’d give a few suggestions for each of us to manage our stress successfully.

Manage your expectations.  Regardless of your political affiliation or views, it is probable that not all of your desired results will happen.  In fact, it is highly likely that you will be disappointed with some of the election results.  When this happens, your life (or even your day) probably isn’t ruined.  Realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you and want you want.

Watch the channels that are consistent with your viewpoint.  Again, it really doesn’t matter what your political position is — unless you want to become irritated, have high blood pressure, and be grumpy to those around you — choose to primarily watch those news stations that are more consistent with your views.  This should lower your agitation for the evening.

Get some exercise.  Take a walk.  Go for a run.  Go to the gym and work out on the machines (while watching the returns, if you must).  Do something physical, and this will help “wash away” those tension building chemicals in your body.

Stretch.  Getting uptight, literally does that — it makes your muscles tense up.  So instead of just sitting in the easy chair or on the couch, stretch on the floor or stand up and do some upper body stretches while watching the election returns.

Set a goal for when you want to get to bed (and possibly give yourself an extra 30-60 minutes).  Think through tomorrow, when you have to get up and what you have to accomplish.  Set a  “drop dead” time that you will get to bed by.

Realize that the impact on your life will be the same whether you find out the results at midnight, 2 a.m. or tomorrow morning.  We are addicted to “real time” news and have become accustomed to wanted to know the latest information right now.  In actuality, the impact on your life will most probably be the same if you find out the results in the morning, so don’t “kill” tomorrow by staying up too late tonight.

Provide some margin in your life and schedule tomorrow for being tired and emotinally drained.   It would be wise, if possible, not to pack your day full tomorrow and expect to be able to function at 100%.  You probably will be both physically and emotionally tired, and it would be good for you (and those around you) to plan accordingly.

Just some musings and observations from the past week– from the news, working with some businesses, and some reading.

It appears that the character quality of responsibility is slowly (?) disappearing from at least some parts of our culture.  It is an odd experience — on the one hand, to be dealing with businesses and managers where they are all about responsibility — both giving it and expecting it from managers, sales people, and employees at all levels.  While on the other hand, to see “leaders” (I use the term loosely) who seem to spend most of their time and effort in avoiding responsibility — making excuses, but mainly blaming others.

And what is really interesting is that many seem to be attempting to place “responsibility” on institutions (Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac), career categories (mortgage brokers, investment bankers), political parties (”its the fault of …Republicans, …Democrats”), even laws (”its due to the repeal of the … Act).  Funny.  I thought individuals made choices and complete actions.

Similarly, it appears that many of today’s leaders want to take responsibility for “fixing” other people’s mistakes (at least that is the claim on the front end of a decision to be implemented over time, with the actual results to be determined).  And even the general populace (or maybe it is the media’s presentation of the populace) seem to want someone else to fix problems.  But rarely do I hear individuals stepping up and saying, “I was wrong. . . I misjudged the situation and had an error in judgment. . . I made a mistake.”

Why is this?  Fear of being sued?  Being afraid of public embarrassment?  People not really believing they did anything wrong?

And yet in business settings in which I am working, I consistently have seen individuals who have “messed up” and who admit it, apologize, and attempt to rectify the situation.  Now, interestingly, an apparent difference is that it is clear who made the decision or committed the action.  And also, members of the system in which they function hold them accountable — and “call them” on their mistake.

So maybe one factor we need to work towards in the “public sector” (in this case, government) is to clarify when a decision is made and who is responsible.  But the challenge seems to lie in the fact that, many times, in government it takes multiple parties to make and implement a decision (the Senate, the House of Representatives, the President).  So when multiple parties are involved, does that mean no one is responsible?  Or, conversely, does it actually mean that all parties who are involved are responsible (my current position).

It is just that the juxtaposition is stark.  In small to medium businesses (I think it may be different in larger corporations), doing “business” means making and implementing decisions, taking risks, and managing the results.  And if you make a poor decision (or fail to implement a good decision), you experience the consequence.  In the public sector of government, the whole process and concept seems foreign, even counter-cultural.

For me, until the practice of being able to hold public officials (or those within large business organizations) accountable for decisions made and actions taken, I have little hope of good decisions being made and implemented (”good decisions” being ones with that have positive results).

I am open to your thoughts and comments (just click on the title of the blog and it will send you to the comment section OR go to www.drpaulwhite.com/blog and scroll down to the comment section).