Sometimes someone writes an article, or gives a speech, that is noteworthy. Their thoughtfulness and manner of communication is remarkable. And you really can’t add much to what they have already said. But you want to share their thoughts with those important to you.

Such is the nature of the article, based on his commencement speech to the 2010 graduating class at the Harvard Business School, by Clayton Christensen. He is a professor at the school and was asked by the class to speak at their graduation ceremony.

I will briefly highlight some of his points — primarily to entice you to read the whole article, which can be found at this link.

Dr Christensen states that: “On the last day of class, I ask my students … to find cogent answers to three questions: First, how can I be sure that I’ll be happy in my career? Second, how can I be sure that my relationships with my spouse and my family become an enduring source of happiness? Third, how can I be sure I’ll stay out of jail?” [He goes on to report that two of his Rhodes scholar program classmates wound up spending time in jail.’

With regards to the career question, he states: “More and more MBA students come to school thinking that a career in business means buying, selling, and investing in companies. That’s unfortunate. doing deals doesn’t yield the deep rewards that come from building up people. I want students to leave my classroom knowing that.”

Regarding the second question, Christensen reports: “Over the years I’ve watched the fates of my HBS [Harvard Business School] classmates from 1979 unfold; I’ve seen more and more of them come to reunions unhappy, divorced, and alienated from their children. I can guarantee you that not a single one of them graduated with the deliberate strategy of getting divorced and raising children who would become estranged from them. And yet a shocking number of them implemented that strategy. The reason? They didn’t keep the purpose of their lives front and center as they decided how to spend their time, talents, and energy.”

He goes on to say: “Your decisions about allocating your personal time, energy, and talent ultimately shape your life’s strategy. I have a bunch of ‘businesses’ that compete for these resources: I’m trying to have a rewarding relationship with my wife, raise great kids, contribute to my community, succeed in my career, contribute to my church, and so on. And I have exactly the same problem that a corporation does. I have a limited amount of time and energy and talent. How much do I devote to each of these pursuits?”

Finally, regarding “staying out of jail”, he frames it as “how to live a life of integrity (stay out of jail). Unconsciously, we often employ the marginal cost doctrine in our personal lives when we choose between right and wrong. A voice in our head says, ‘Look, I know that as a general rule, most people shouldn’t do this. But in this particular extenuating circumstance, just this once, it’s OK.’ the marginal cost of doing something wrong ‘just this once’ always seems alluringly low. It suckers you in, and you don’t ever look at where that path ultimately is headed and at the full costs that the choice entails.”

I will let you read the rest of the article yourself so you can gain the full impact of his points.

Let me briefly add some supporting comments of my own.

Since I have the opportunity to work with business owners and financially successful individuals and families across the country, I am able to observe some repetitive patterns in families and relationships.

The most glaring theme is that there seem to be three types of individuals who are successful in business (or their chosen career):

1) those who are extremely successful largely due to a high level of commitment, drive and who have sacrificed most of the rest of their lives (physical health, family relationships, friendships, personal ethics) to achieve their goals;

2) those who have been able to maintain a sense of balance in their lives along the way due to a clear commitment to priorities in their lives; and

3) those who are somewhere in between, desiring to be balanced but often find themselves out of balance in their use of time and energy.

Members of Group 1 are often wealthy, sometimes famous, still “driving” toward career (or other) goals. They are largely unhappy, self-focused and highly insecure. My observation is that they usually are not very enjoyable to be around — they often have anger issues.

Group 2 members are usually amazing people, who are a delight to be around. They are humble, realizing that their success is probably a combination of perseverance and being in the right place at the right time. They are guided by a strong set of personal values. They have a giving approach to life and much can be learned from them.

Most of us (I think) are in Group 3. We have good intentions. We generally are going on the right path, but often need to make corrections along the way — with work/career or other pursuits getting out of balance. We need mentors, reminders and good friends to give us honest input and feedback.

Which group are you in? Where do you want to be? How can you get there?

I wrote about trust in business relationships a few months ago. But the issue of trust in relationships keeps coming up again and again in the work I do. Really, it is the lack of trust that continues to reappear. The issue is so foundational to healthy relationships, I feel compelled to write on the topic again – and explain the nature of trust more deeply.

What is trust, really? One definition is: “to place confidence in” or “rely on”.

Recently, I have worked with families, family businesses, couples, parents & teens, Boards of Directors (numerous ones) where a number of individuals within these systems don’t trust one another. And, unfortunately, the problem is that they have learned not to trust. That is, in many cases there was some level of trust previously that has now been undermined.

How does this happen?

Let’s first talk about some key components that are needed for trust to exist. One model defines trust as being comprised of three core components: competency, reliability, and looking out for your interests. Let’s look at each component more closely.

Competency. As I have stated previously, trust is situation-specific. Trust can only truly be defined within a context. No adult (except foolishly) trusts someone for all things in all situations. [Children may, but I have to think about that.] This is because no one is competent in every skill needed in life.

I may trust my financial advisor to develop a balanced approach to investing my savings, but I am not going to entrust my body to him to do heart surgery – because that is not his area of competency. We trust people in situations for which we believe they are competent.

Reliability. Part of trust has to do with the belief that a person is going to “be there” when they are supposed to. An employer expects a worker to show up for work day after day. A child expects their mother to “be there” when they need them. When we have a team working together on a project, we expect our team members to show up and be prepared for their role. Conversely, you may have a gifted and talented team member who really shines during presentations, but if they occasionally are late to meetings, come not prepared, or don’t show at all, then your trust for them in those situations is seriously undermined.

Looking out for your interests. If an advisor for your business is highly competent and reliable, but you are not sure they are primarily considering your interests in the work they are doing for you, you probably have an undertow of mistrust in your interactions with them. This is at the heart of the problem of trust in many business relationships – there are competing interests among various individuals and groups. And if you are not convinced that your interests are being considered (at least as highly as others’ interests), then it will be difficult for you to fully entrust your situation to others without seriously evaluating how they will benefit from the transaction.

From this perspective, trust is much like a three-legged stool. You can have two of the legs, but the stool won’t function without all three. Let’s examine each scenario:

Competency + Reliability – Looking Out For Your Interests. This combination leads to mistrust of the other person’s motives. No matter how well they can perform, you always feel like you have to “watch your back” so you won’t be taken advantage of.

Competency + Looking Out For Your Interests – Reliability. This is the “I just wish …” scenario. You have a competent individual whom you trust their desire to help you. But they just can’t keep it together to show up reliably (or on time), be prepared, and follow through on commitments made. You would like to partner with them, but you are concerned about the ramifications when they let you down.

Reliability + Looking Out For Your Interests – Competency. These are quality people who are faithful, will show up when they say they will, and they want to help you out. But they just don’t have the skills, training or experience needed to get the job done at the quality level you need. Often they are “over-reaching” their skill and ability level out of a desire to help (or to grow professionally), and as a result, often others need to come in and help finish the job.

Trust rarely is “all or nothing”. Remember, trust is situation-specific. In most of our relationships, our willingness to trust (or not trust) is not a black-and-white, “all or nothing” position. Rather, there are certain situations that we would be willing to trust the person, and there are other circumstances where we would not be willing to trust them.

This is an important point because in meetings I often hear people say, “I don’t trust him”, or “I’m sorry, but I just can’t trust her” – as if it is a carte blanche position. I work hard at helping people reframe both their thinking and their speech – to more clearly delineate “for what” they currently are unwilling to trust the other person. (“Currently” is an important word as well, because we want to frame the situation whereby the other person could potentially demonstrate they are trustworthy, and be trusted in the future in a similar situation.)

The Creation of Mistrust. An important question is: how do individuals come to mistrust others in their lives (family members, business partners, colleagues, suppliers)? The obvious answer is: “from a lack of one (or more) of the three requisite ingredients for trust.” And this is true. [I would propose that a lack of reliability is a common source of mistrust, especially in personal relationships, while doubt about the other person’s genuine concern for your interests is a more common source in business-related relationships.]

But a closer examination of relationships characterized by mistrust actually leads to some additional sources.

Lack of adequate, clear communication. Unfortunately, mistrust can develop through a lack of information communicated, or communicated clearly. How often do you hear, in the midst of a conflict, someone say, “Oh! I didn’t realize that”, or “Well, if I would have known that I would have reacted differently.”

Guilt by association. Some business professions have a reputation for being largely self-interested (used car salesmen, professionals who sell life insurance) – that their primary goal is to make a sale, whether the product is what you want , need or not. This puts trustworthy individuals in these professions at a disadvantage. They must work harder to demonstrate that they are considering the interests of the potential customer in the transaction they are proposing.

Misunderstanding of the other person’s intent. In situations where self-interest can be a factor, and where there has not been a long-standing trusting relationship, the misinterpretation of motives can easily occur. Many times people mistrust others because they have a misunderstanding of the potential benefits that might be realized, and think the person is acting primarily from self-interest.

Mismatch of expectations. Sometimes relationships are strained with one party’s expectations not met by another’s well-intended actions. If a friend volunteers to help decorate the banquet room for a fund-raising event, and the quality of the work is below your expectations, tension can arise. Often this is the result of lack of clear communication about what is expected.

A summary word: trust is easily lost, especially when people quit communicating with one another. Whenever possible, if you believe another person is struggling with trusting you in a situation, be proactive and find out what the issue is. I think you will find that the beginnings of mistrust can quickly be corrected either through an apology (if you have not followed through on a commitment made), clarifying your actions and intent, or coming to an understanding of unmet expectations and how these might be addressed in the future.

Recently, I went to our state high school track and field championship meet — it is a wonderful spectacle — thousands of student athletes, coaches, friends and family members in one stadium. Vibrant colors are displayed in the uniforms, supportive T-shirts and baseball caps, and tents (to keep the students out of the sun). Lots of sunshine, sunscreen and water bottles.

The Saturday morning before I went to the meet to watch a friend run in the sprinting events (100 meter, 200 meter, 4 x 100 meter relay), I went for a jog by my house — which meant I was running on a dirt road with pot holes and “washboard” on the road. In the evenings, my wife and I often take walks together down the road, as well.

And I started thinking about the differences between walking, jogging and sprinting — both physically, but also in life.

Sprinting. Sprinting is cool. It is flashy. In track, the sprint events are the high profile events. At the highest level of competition, the winner of the 100 meter dash is known as “the fastest man in the world”. And man, these guys and gals can fly. They are smooth and they move with beauty.

But the events only last 10 to 50 seconds, depending on the event. “Crack”, goes the starting pistol. The athletes fly down the track. And then it is over. Someone often gets hurt — falling at the finish line, or pulling up gimpy with a pulled muscle.

Jogging. Jogging — or in track, the long distance races (1600 meters [the metric equivalent of a mile], 3200 meters or the 4 x 800 relay) — are less flashy. For some, they are boring. Young women and men steadily running around the track several times. There is a little excitement and jostling for position at the beginning of the race. Many times there is an exciting finish between two runners sprinting for the finish. (And many times there is no excitement, given the large distance between the runners.) The runners are exhausted at the end and require quite a bit of time to recover from the race.

Walking. In most track meets, there are no walking races. At longer running events (2 mile races, 10K races) they may have a two mile walking race, but they aren’t very common. Walking just isn’t much of a sporting event for most people. It is boring to watch for very long. It isn’t as physically demanding for the individual — so most athletes pursue other events.

Let’s discuss some observations and lessons for daily life that can be derived from the characteristics and differences between walking, jogging and sprinting.

Sprinting is flashy, takes a lot of talent and preparation but isn’t used much in daily life. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the need to sprint (literally, to run as fast as I can for a short distance) very often. Jogging is more for trying to keep in shape. But mostly, I walk.

In life, there are people I see from a distance or occasionally meet who seem incredibly cool. They are mega-talented, have a lot of style, and they seem to have the world by the tail. They go at a fast pace and are high profile.

But as I watch them over the long haul, many of them don’t really have staying power. They are a “flash in the pan” — bright lights & a lot of energy — but they are gone tomorrow. And often, their careers are short.

If I get in the mode of trying to sprint at work — moving real fast, making quick decisions, trying to impress others, and being primarily focused on image — I burn out fast. I don’t really get that much done. And I burn a lot of resources that require substantial time to recover. And often, I make mistakes.

Jogging takes a fair amount of effort and the distance people can jog varies greatly. Some people are in better shape than others (obviously). But even among runners, their stamina differs greatly — and you can’t necessarily tell by just looking at them.

In life, individuals differ significantly in how much emotional, mental and relational energy they have. And people’s level of personal discipline varies significantly, too. There are a lot of people who don’t have a boat-load of talent, but through commitment to get good training and daily personal discipline of doing what they need to day-in and day-out, they get a lot of work done (or develop stamina to run long distances.)

But jogging, and working consistently at a fast pace, takes energy and commitment. It is easier to walk (or not do anything), and in life, it is easier to “hang out”, do leisure activities, and not pursue goals. That is why — both for those who run long distances and those who get tasks done — joggers usually have a goal and work a disciplined plan to get there.

Most of life involves walking and walking allows for other things to be done at the same time. The majority of our life involves walking — around the house, at work, while shopping, etc. And we know walking is good for us physically. By definition, walking means you are going somewhere (versus being stagnant and passive.) In career development, I tell my coaching clients one of the major mistakes people make is to “not be going anywhere” — they are passive and waiting for something to happen.

One of things I like about walking is that I am able to do something else at the same time — think and reflect, pray, talk with Kathy, or just enjoy nature around me. When I jog (or on the rare occasion I may sprint for a short distance), my focus is on the physical activity. I am not thinking about much else.

The same is true at work or in life. If I am going at a normal walking pace, I am able to think and reflect, interact with others and enjoy the world around me while I am working. I get things done but I am not exhausted at the end of the day and I have energy left to do other things. And yes, it seems like it takes longer to get tasks done at this pace versus when I am rushing, but like the hare and the tortoise, I probably come out “ahead” at the end.

Steve Prefontaine, one of the preeminent long distance runners in the 1970’s said:

“Life’s battles don’t always go to the strongest or fastest man, but sooner or later the man who wins is the fellow who thinks he can.”

What are other lessons we can learn from these three activities? Think about it this week as you are walking.

Over the past few months, I have had the opportunity to work closely with business teams comprised of highly talented and successful professionals. Some of these high-powered teams work together well and achieve amazing results, while some of the teams are struggling a bit in working together effectively. And one of the teams had to reorganize because the team members couldn’t figure out how to work together.

I’ve made some observations as well as pulled some information from other sources, about what needs to happen for a team of “All Stars” to be successful as a team.

Characteristics of Successful Individuals

First, let’s look at some of the characteristics of highly successful individuals. Successful people:

*Know how to accomplish tasks. They get things done. And typically, they have found ways of doing things that work for them. (With a team, they may have a hard time approaching a task differently from their personal strategy.)

*Are confident in their abilities. Since they have had success, they have developed confidence in their abilities and their approach. They believe their way works (and sometimes believe that their way will work for everyone.)

*Are proactive. They take initiative, develop action plans, and act on the plans made. (In a team context, they sometimes can act before coordinating with other team members.)

*Persevere. Persevering, “stick-to-it-tiveness” is generally a positive personality characteristic. (But perseverance can translate into stubbornness, if the individual is unwilling to accept and adapt to reality-based feedback – that this strategy just isn’t working in this context.)

*Have high energy. Most successful individuals have a lot of energy – mental, emotional and physical. They often run at a fast pace. (But in the context of working with others, they can have difficulty waiting, and sometimes can “act” before they should.”

Characteristics of Successful Teams with Highly Talented Individuals

Although working with a team of very talented, capable and successful professionals can be challenging, there are ways that these “All Star” teams can become incredibly impactful. There are many areas of life from which examples can be taken: music groups, sports teams, legal and political teams, strategic business partnerships. (And unfortunately, there are probably more examples of “Super Teams” that failed.) What seems to be necessary?

*Team members voluntarily submit to a selected leader. There has to be a clear, designated leader. And the team members must consistently follow their leadership, even when they disagree with the leader (and they will).

*Individuals “hold back” in fully using all of their talents and focus their efforts on what is needed for team success. In a team setting, individual stars don’t “shine” and do everything they do as individual stars. They have to pull back and figure out how to mesh with the other team members.

*Team members value and appreciate the role and contributions of other team members. Not only do team members constrain their performance, they also truly value the strengths of others and the strengths their teammates bring to the team effort. There is usually a genuine mutual respect among the teammates.

*The approach or strategies used by the team to reach success may be different than previous successful strategies used by the individual team members. Certain strategies work well for individual tasks, but frequently different approaches are needed for cooperative ventures. Deference to the team leader and accepting their approach for the team is critical in this area for the team to be successful.

*There is a disciplined, strategic approach to reach the team goal that the team members are willing to submit to. This may seem redundant, but the issue is that many times “All Star” teams are put together for a specific project or limited time. Otherwise, most successful professionals would not be willing to participate in a cooperative project – because it would interfere with their personal career and requires them to perform in ways they are not typically used to.

Lessons from The Five Dysfunctions of a Team

(by Patrick Lencioni).

Finally, let’s look at lessons shared by Patrick Lencioni in his best-selling book. These principals dovetail nicely with the observations described above.

Issues That Lead to Problems on a Team

*Absence of Trust (resulting from a lack of vulnerability among team members)

*Fear of Conflict (which can lead to artificial harmony). Team members need to be able to engage in passionate debate about ideas.

*Lack of Commitment (by keeping goals and plans ambiguous). Lack of true “buy in” by all team members leads to poor execution and implementation.

*Avoidance of Accountability (which keeps performance at low standards of acceptability). Team members must be willing to confront off-task or counterproductive actions and behaviors of other team members.

*Inattention to Results (stemming from a focus on individual needs such as status, ego and recognition). It is critical for team members to agree on the categories of results to be tracked to assess success for the team as a whole.

Five Aspects of Functional Teams

1. They trust one another. (The confidence that their team members’ intentions are good.)

2. They engage in unfiltered conflict around ideas.

3. They commit to decisions and plans of actions.

4. They hold one another accountable for delivering against those plans.

5. They focus on the achievement of collective results.

So take a look at yourself and the teams on which you are functioning. See which of these issues are strengths and areas which need to be strengthened. It is pretty fun to be on a successful team, especially when the other team members are really talented!

Recently, in a variety of settings I am observing the issue of trust impacting business relationships.

Obviously, trust is at the foundation for business transactions – that the vendor will provide the goods or services purchased, that the goods or services will be at the quality level described initially, and that the customer will pay for the goods or services in the time frame agreed upon.

Another area of business where trust is impactful is in the employer / employee relationship – where the employer follows through on commitments communicated to the employee and the integrity level of employees to be trusted to access to information and resources.

This past week I was talking to a business owner who described a situation where he had hired a sales manager (in early 2008, prior to the financial crisis hitting) who in turn started hiring a fairly high cost sales staff. Whenever the current owners or management team raised issues or asked questions of the sales manager, he reported replied, “Do I have to earn your trust or earn your mistrust?” (implying they should trust him until he proved untrustworthy.)

I replied that this was the wrong question. And, in fact, I find much communication around the issue of “trust” is not laid out properly. I do not believe that the question is: “Do I trust you?” (or “Do you trust me?”). This is too broad.

Trust is situation specific. The more appropriate question, I think, is: “For what do I trust you?” Or, “What am I willing to entrust to you?” (responsibility, privileges, resources). I may trust you to hire staff within a budget amount but I may not trust you to have total access to all of the company’s financial data. Or, I may trust you to pay bills with appropriate procedural checks and balances but I don’t trust you to have total access to the company’s financial resources without monitoring.

Think back to common family situations. Teenagers often complain to their parents, “You don’t trust me!” But again, the real issue is “trust you to do what?” I do trust you to choose good friends and to tell me the truth about where you are going, but no I don’t trust you to drive three hours late at night in a car with four of your friends on a snowy night.

Generally speaking, trust is earned — either from prior behavior with other individuals (that is why we trust professionals who have gone through training and certification in their profession, but we often also check references of people with whom they have worked) or in their behavior with us. We trust others (in the defined areas of responsibility) based on previously demonstrated responsibility in similar areas.

[I do admit that in many daily interactions we confer trust to others when we have no specific basis to do so, other than assuming most people are trustworthy in daily life transactions. However, this level of trust varies greatly across individuals’ own personal history and life experiences.]

I find that people (both business owners and parents) tend to get “burned” when they give more trust and responsibility to others when the person hasn’t demonstrated a basis for that trust.

A second area where I find business owners and managers tend to get taken advantage of by others in the business world is when they ignore early warning signs of mistrust. Partly due to the self-reinforcing tendency that we don’t want to admit that something may be wrong (and that we made a mistake in hiring this person), and sometimes partly due to people’s propensity to want to believe the best of others - we wind up overlooking early warning signs of a person not being trustworthy. As a result, we continue to entrust responsibilities and resources to the individual and find out later they weren’t trustworthy in how they handled the responsibilities - digging a deeper hole and creating more problems for the business.

So, where do we go with all of this?

First, I would suggest to accurately define the parameters of trust in relationships. Using a framework such as, “I am willing to trust you to…” Sometimes, it may be appropriate to say, “I am willing to trust you with… because you have shown yourself responsible by… ” Additionally, sometimes you may need to add, “…but I don’t feel comfortable yet in giving you the responsibility to …” Finally, it is helpful to clarify what responsibilities need to be demonstrated in order for you to trust the individual with more areas (this is really helpful in dealing with teens - versus the arbitrary “when I feel comfortable”.)

Secondly, I would strongly encourage each of us to pay attention to early warning signs of problem behaviors. This can take many different forms, including:

*the facts just don’t add up

*you are getting reports from clients and customers and other trusted team members, about some problems in a team member’s behavior

*the team member responds to questions and challenges with a “don’t you trust me?” type of response

*the team member is quite adept at making excuses, blaming others or circumstances versus admitting they made a mistake or error in judgement.

How should you respond to early warning signs?

a) talk to the individual about your concerns; often your concerns may be due to misperceptions or miscommunication;

b) obtain verifying information by an independent third party;

c) set up processes and procedures to monitor transactions

d) document the issues and behaviors which are creating concerns for you. Often the weight of evidence over time becomes significant, while no one specific incident is that large.

I think it would be wise for each one of us to consider the following old saying,

“Wise individuals see danger ahead and avoid it, but fools keep going and get into trouble.”

Would you like to:

• remember better what you have read?
• hold onto more information in your head?
• be better at figuring out multiple-step math problems?
• remember where you place items?
• recall what you wanted to say earlier in a conversation?
• not forget what to get from a room you just went into?
• stay mentally focused better during conversations or lectures?
• not be so easily distracted by noises and actions around you?

If so, then welcome to the field of cognitive training (or “brain training”, as it is called by the popular media.)

This weekend I had the opportunity to attend a conference in Austin, Texas for a gathering of international experts (from the U.K., Sweden, Japan, Canada, and the U.S.) on one form of cognitive training — that which focuses on a core skill called working memory.

Working memory (as compared to short-term memory or long-term memory) is the ability to hold onto information while you are using it.  It is the combination of short-term memory and processing information.

So working memory is utilized when you:

• read instructions for installing a new garbage disposal in your kitchen and you try to remember the first three steps.
• are downstairs and make a list in your head of the things to remember to get from your basement.
• are running errands and you have a list of places to remember where to stop.
• try to figure out in your head what a 15-20% tip would be on a meal costing $45.00 .

This weekend we were exposed to new, and exciting research on how children’s, adolescents’ and adults’ working memory can be improved through computer-based training and its practical impact on their lives.

For example, we heard about:

  children survivors of brain tumors and leukemia. These children often lose significant cognitive, intellectual and academic abilities as a result of the chemotherapy and radiation therapy they receive.  Research being conducted at Duke University Medical Center is finding that working memory training appear to be able to reverse the losses previously experienced.

  autistic spectrum children and adolescents who also have problems with attention and poor mental focus. A multi-disciplinary outpatient treatment facility in Michigan is finding that, in addition to treatment by medication, computer-based working memory training often has positive effects on the social and emotional functioning of these students.  Parents report fewer “emotional meltdowns”, more awareness about their feelings, and better impulse control.

  elementary school ADHD students.   A group of researchers in the U.K. have found that after completing a working memory training program for five weeks, students’ academic abilities improved in reading comprehension, math reasoning, and being able to follow multiple-step classroom instructions.

Additionally, researchers are finding that:

 -working memory ability is a better predictor of academic success than students’ IQ scores.

 -deficits in working memory are highly common for children with genetic disorders.

 -traditional classroom instruction requires high levels of working memory for students.

 -students with low working memory: a) forget crucial information; and b) fail to successfully complete tasks.

To learn more about working memory, what it looks like in daily life, and to take a brief working memory assessment, go to www.aboutworkingmemory.com . 

There is a fascinating website that shares individual’s stories (preschoolers, school-age students, adolescents, and adults) who have been helped by receiving training for their working memory abilities.  And for those of you who would like to find out more about the training itself, visit www.workingmemorysolutions.com or www.cogmed.com . 

These are exciting times in the area of brain training and its impact on our daily lives!

I don’t know about you but a lot of my daily life can be contaminated by anxiety – not major, life-crippling anxiety, but those small little worries about daily life activities and events.  And if I am not careful, anxiety can almost rule my day.  While I’m doing one thing, I’m worrying about the next event or meeting.  What a waste.  It is not the way I want to live my life.

So let’s talk about ways we can manage these worry-focused thoughts.  First, let’s briefly define what anxiety is. 

First and foremost, anxiety is fear (usually a “small” fear).  We are afraid we are going to be late.  We worry about what others will think of us.  We are concerned about being adequately prepared for a meeting / speech / test / presentation later this week.

Secondly, we can note that worrying and being anxious is about the future – something that is going to (or may) happen at some point after “now”.  We don’t worry about the past, although we may worry how our past actions or decisions will impact the future.

Finally, most anxiety has some component of circumstances you can’t totally control.  Some people worry about the weather, others about the stock market, or traffic; some are anxious about what other people will think about them.  [Think about it – if we are worrying about things totally under our control, we could effectively manage the anxiety by just doing the action necessary.]

Now let’s identify the three most common responses to anxiety (I seem to be thinking in “3’s” today):

            1. Action.  A lot of people (myself included), do something when they are anxious.  It may not be productive activity – but doing something gives the person a sense that they are helping the situation (this may or may not be true).

            2. Paralysis.  Others tend to become paralyzed when they are anxious.  They don’t know what to do, so they withdraw, become passive and do nothing.  Frequently, these individuals also become highly internally focused, focusing on their thoughts and feelings.

            3. Rumination.  This is the third response, that can go with either action or paralysis.  Some people focus on what they are worrying about – and continue to think and talk repetitively about their worries.  This response can lead to a self-stimulating cycle of increasing anxiety.

So, what can we do when we are anxious?  Here are some ways to manage ourselves:

            *Limit the amount of “future” that you allow yourself to think (and worry) about.  Since worrying is all about the future, the more “future” that you allow yourself to be concerned about, the more opportunity there is for things to worry about.  So just focus on today – take “one day at a time”.  In highly stressful circumstances, you may even break the day into smaller segments (“I’m going to get to lunch, and then figure out the rest of the day after that.”)

            *Determine what you can do to manage the risks you are concerned about.  If you are worried about getting a low grade on a test, make a plan and schedule to study for it.  If you are concerned about ‘blowing’ a presentation, prepare the best you can.  If are anxious about being late to an appointment, leave early and allow extra time for unplanned events.  Make sure and take small steps to implement the plan.

            *Avoid people, unnecessary situations or input that increase your anxiety.  There are some people who are chronic worriers and have a fearful approach to life.  If I  am anxious myself, I try not to be around these people too much so they don’t feed my own anxiety.  Or if I am worried about the economy and my retirement savings, I will limit how much financial news I will expose myself to.

            *Distract yourself with positive activities.  Sometimes there are situations where all you can do is ‘wait’ (for example, waiting to hear if you were accepted into the college of your choice; or waiting to hear if you got the job you applied for).  When there is nothing you can really do to make the situation better, it may be good to go ahead and live life – go for a run, spend some fun time with friends, do some other work or tasks that need to be done, read a book, help somebody else in need.

            *Be thankful for the positive things in your life – especially the ‘little’ things.  Gratitude is a great antidote for a lot of negative things in our lives, including anxiety.  Look for little daily things that you appreciate – food to eat for breakfast, a nice cool morning, being able to work inside when it is raining outside, having family and friends that care about you, a car that starts, and so forth.

            *Build competencies into your life that will help you deal with ongoing challenges in your life.  Sometimes there are circumstances in our lives that are going to be there for a while – financial hardship, long work days, being away from family and friends.  And it can be helpful to have a longer term view on dealing with these situations – figuring out what you can build into your life that will help you long-term in dealing with the challenges you face.  Work on a ‘tighter’ budget, figure out some ways to earn a little extra money, develop an exercise program, learn how to use Skype to keep in touch with people over long distance.

So, that’s it. For those of you fellow-worriers or anxiety addicts, maybe there will be some advice that can help reduce your daily anxiety level.  Have a great week!

This week I had the opportunity to attend a conference where both John Townsend (author of Boundaries) and Henry Cloud (author of Integrity) spoke on leadership.  Here are some notes of thoughts that I felt were interested and helpful.

John Townsend

Research is verifying the relationship between character, interpersonal skills and performance outcomes.  That is, if you work on the “inside” issues you will see improvement in performance outcomes. (See below for why this is the case.)

Life is more than making right choices – doing cost/benefit analyses.  There are two sets of information that leaders need to listen to – external (verifiable objective facts) + internal (listening to your ‘gut’).  True reality is a combination of objective information plus subjective intuition.

Values  — values are those things that you believe in to the point that they dictate your decisions.

Leaders need to focus less on what the mission statement says their core values are, and get an objective observer to share the values they observe in how the organization actually functions (i.e. focus on what their values are versus what they should be.)

The pendulum is swinging in leadership development from a pure focus on strategic planning, setting goals, managing by objectives, and the variety of technical processes to improve performance to also paying attention to the emotional side of life (and business).  Not focusing on feelings for feelings’ sake, but understanding that feelings play a role in both decision-making and in working as a team.

In decision-making, feelings play the role of relaying signals to the leader – signals that need to be paid attention to and investigated.  Anxiety (or concern or fear) is signaling that there may be a potential danger to heed.  Investigating the reality of the risk and taking steps to manage the risk (if it is real) is wise.  Ignoring the signal could be reckless.

Interestingly, Townsend indicates that the positive function of anger (irritation or frustration at lower levels) is an indication that you have a problem to solve – something is going on that you don’t like.  Now the problem may be internal – that you have unrealistic expectations that aren’t being met.  Or the problem may be external – that someone’s performance is not acceptable and needs to change.

A third emotion he cites that is critical to the business world is passion.  I personally have never considered passion as an emotion previously.  But it makes sense.  Townsend describes passion as “focused desire”.   And most successful leaders have or have experienced passion – that burning desire to do what they are called to.   A challenge for some leaders is that they lose the intensity of their passion / desire over time (which is a whole additional topic of discussion), while others struggle in maintaining the focus of their passion.

[Out of deference to Dr. Townsend and his intellectual capital, I am not going to list all of the positive and negative emotions he addressed in his book Leadership Beyond Reason:  How Great Leaders Succeed by Harnessing the Power of Their Values, Feelings, and Intuition.  Get the book – it is a good, solid leadership book with a unique perspective on the role of feelings in leadership.)

Townsend also believes that emotions play an important role in working effectively together with team members  — negative emotions among team members impede effective functioning, while positive feelings between colleagues facilitate better performance, both individually and as a unit.

He also describes the power of emotions in bringing to mind past relationships (what he and other psychologists call “internal relationships”) – those people who influenced us significantly in the past (parents, teachers, mentors, coaches) and still influence us “in our head”.  Dr. Townsend gives excellent examples of how leaders become stuck in their personal and leadership development because they can’t get past old messages from internalized relationships (“You’ll never amount to anything.”  “In the end, you’ll always screw it up.”)

A key application for me is that both Dr. Townsend and his colleague, Dr. Henry Cloud (whom I also heard) are seeing the need for coaching in the “middle space” for leaders.  There is plenty of coaching and leadership development in the strategic planning, becoming a change agent, etc. space.  And many leaders don’t need (or won’t get) heavy duty “counseling” focusing on personal problems.  But Dr. Cloud argues that there is the “middle space” that needs to be addressed – where a leader’s personal development has not kept pace with the growth of his organization and his or hers resulting responsibilities.  So there is a gap between the weight of their professional responsibilities and the development of personal skills and abilities to effective manage the demands.  Issues in this middle space include recurrent patterns of interpersonal difficulties (types of people you don’t work well with),  anxieties and fears that are making you hesitant to make decisions, personal and family  issues that are interfering with your performance by sapping your emotional energy, etc.  Business leaders need help working though these issues so that they can continue to become more productive leaders (which is the goal of the process).

One last interesting point Dr. Townsend  made about leaders.  Leaders are essential persuaders – they persuade others to follow them.  Initially, they do this by casting vision, identifying goals that will lead to the vision, communicating out a plan to reach the goals and then inspiring his team to share the vision and implement the plan.

But there is a difference between initially persuading followers and keeping them engaged.  For team members to continue to stay engaged with the vision and task, they need a sense of being listened to , understood and cared for by the leader.  This is a different skill set than the initial persuasive skills and many leaders either haven’t developed, don’t value or don’t practice the empathic listening to their team – and this ultimately leads to loss of enthusiasm, discouragement and conflict – for the unheard team member will find someone who will listen to them (other colleagues, other leaders) and this can lead to discontent and division within the team.

I’ll stop there.  “He who has ears to hear, let him listen (and act!)”

Given the multiple “hats” that I wear professionally, some people know only about certain areas of service I provide (for example, consulting with successful business families) and not with other areas (evaluating individuals with ADD / ADHD and learning difficulties).  So I thought I would share some about the ADD / ADHD side of my work.

Although many people talk about “Adult ADD”, from a professional point of view there is no “ADD” anymore.  It all falls under ADHD, even for those individuals who are not hyperactive nor excessively fidgety.  There are actually three subtypes of ADHD:

• the hyperactive - impulsive type (sort of the classic “wild boy” that many people think of when they think of “hyperactivity” — on the go non-stop, high energy, difficult to control, loud (often), accident-prone (because they move or do things before thinking about them), etc.
• the inattentive type.  This used to be called ADD without hyperactivity.  These individuals primarily have a hard time focusing, concentrating, are easily distracted, lose their train of thought.  In girls, they were sometimes referred to as “airheads” or “space cadets”.  Guys were referred to as the “absent-minded professor-type”.  These people aren’t hyper or fidgety but they lose things easily, and are pretty disorganized.
• the combined type — that has some aspects of both.  This individual could be a “full-blown” ADHD person who is hyper, impulsive and distractible.  Or they could just be inattentive, distractible and impulsive.

A key point to note is that the person does not have to be hyperactive to be ADHD.  This is often confusing to people — I frequently hear “Well, he can’t be ADHD because he isn’t hyperactive — maybe ADD, but not ADHD.”  And I understand what the parent is saying. It is just that (from a professional’s use of the term) really no one is just ADD anymore.  [But parents and teachers still frequently use the term.]

I have been evaluating individuals with ADHD for over twenty years now, and have seen 4,000 plus students (from 5 years old to senior adults).  And frequently, after evaluating a school-aged child, the parent (often the father) says — “You know, J.D. reminds me of me as a child.  I really struggled with the same issues — and still do.”   This then can lead to an evaluation of the parent and, lo and behold, they also are ADHD (research shows that about 50% of fathers of ADHD students are ADHD themselves.) So let’s talk a little about Adult ADHD and what it looks like.

1. First, it is important to note that many very successful people are ADHD.  Some of the characteristics of ADHD (high energy, being socially outgoing, a risk-taker) help individuals become successful entrepreneurs, salespersons, entertainers, athletes, and law enforcement officers.  (You don’t tend to find too many ADHD accountants or actuaries!)  But it is also important to know that these same character qualities limit these professionals success — risk-taking in moderation (with appropriate judgment, due diligence, and risk management) can be good.  But excessive risk-taking — without the necessary ability to “wait and see”, investigate further, etc. — can lead to poor decisions with damaging results.
2. Secondly, just like ADHD students vary tremendously in their individual profile of ADHD characteristics, so do ADHD adults.  Having said that, there are some common daily life symptoms:

*Great starters. Poor finishers.  ADHD adults are often imaginative and creative.  They come up with great ideas, and even start out on the new path with lots of energy.  But they quickly can become distracted, discouraged, or overwhelmed with the details to make the project work.

*Struggle with managing paperwork.  ADHD adults can do some paperwork, for a while.  But too much paperwork overwhelms them.  And they have a hard time keeping on top of a lot of paperwork over time.  They build piles on and around their desk.  And they usually need the help of a very effective adminstrative assistant (or spouse) to clean up their piles.

*Forgetful.  An ADHD adult would “forget their head if it wasn’t connected”.  They lose their keys, their wallet, their glasses, their checkbook, important paperwork, . . . One of their most used phrases is “Has anyone seen my ….?”

*Time management issues.  Some ADHD adults tend to be chronically late to appointments, not having a good sense of time.  Others, because of their struggles in this area, overcompensate and leave early for appointments — so that they won’t be late.  A large number of ADHD individuals tend to underestimate how long it takes (or will take) to complete a task — and so they are always running up against the deadline to complete the project.

*Impulsive behaviors.  Think about doing or saying things “on impulse” — and that is the struggle many ADHD adults have.  They speak they mind bluntly.  They interrupt others.  They make quick decisions without thinking through all of the issues.  They spend money quickly and easily.  They can be impatient with others (or circumstances).  They can be easily frustrated and have a quick temper (especially when they are tired, hungry or stressed.)

*Struggle with focus and concentration.  Many ADHD individuals complain about not liking to read (they rarely read the assigned books in high school or college).  They can’t remember what they just read.  Sitting through lectures is torture for them.  They can just sit and watch TV or a movie — they have to be doing something else at the same time.  They forget what they were just going to say, or why they came into the room (it is probably a different issue if you are 50+).

There are lots of other common symptoms of Adult ADHD; these are just a few, but they give you a start.  For more information go to this website on diagnosing ADHD in adults.

So what to do if you think you, your spouse, your boss or your business colleague is ADHD?

First, find out some more.  A couple of good books are Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction, written by two ADHD doc’s, Hallowell & Ratey.

Second, see what resources are available.  www.addwarehouse.com has numerous books and videotapes on Adult ADHD, including ones specifically for women.

Third, it is important to know what treatments are available.  Most people jump to the conclusion that treatment by medication is the only alternative.  Although medication can be helpful, there are other ways to help ADHD adults.  Coaching for ways to manage their primary problem areas can be effective.  Also, there is a relatively new computer-based cognitive training program that has been shown to be highly effective as well.

I could say a lot but more, but for those who really need this, I’ve already pushed the limits of their ability to focus this long.  Have a great week!

I like to learn from others who have been successful.  In our culture, some people look to successful business leaders; others look to athletes or entertainers.  I find some of the best advice from wise people from the past — from classic literature from previous civilizations and cultures.

Here are some thoughts from a king and writer of literature from about 3,000 years ago:

Wisdom in the most important thing; so get wisdom. If it costs everything you have, get understanding.  Treasure wisdom, and it will make you great; hold onto it, and it will bring you honor.”   He goes on to espouse the pre-eminence of acquiring wisdom, and that it will lead to virtually everything else good in life — wealth, influence, health, and peace.

So the question becomes — how does one become wise?  The author responds to this question:

Don’t follow the ways of the wicked; don’t do what evil people do.  Avoid their ways, and don’t follow them.  Stay away from them and keep on going, because they cannot sleep until they do evil.

The author then lays out the principles for obtaining wisdom:

1. Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life.
2. Don’t use your mouth to tell lies; don’t ever say things that are not true.
3. Keep your eyes focused on what is right, and look straight ahead to what is good.
4. Be careful what you do, and always do what is right.
5. Don’t turnoff the road of goodness; keep away from evil paths.

So to summarize, he encourages his readers to:

• manage their thoughts,
• watch what they say and speak with honesty,
• keep focused on the good
• act with integrity
• keep away from those who repeatedly make poor choices.

I find these thoughts interesting and applicable to our lives today because there are so many voices telling us what to do and how we should live.  Being past 50 years old and having had the opportunity to view different economic and political seasons, it has become more evident to me that living according to patterns of behavior that have been proven over long periods of time (decades, centuries) is wise.

Although some patterns (leveraging business ventures through credit, buying now and paying later for personal purchases) can work within a short time frame or certain conditions, living within one’s means, saving for the future, and taking preventative steps to manage potential risks seem to work well over the long term.  They are not as exciting, and also are not as potentially rewarding within the short term.

Some may say:  “Desperate times call for desperate measures” and this may be true.  But many desperate people have perished by making unwise decisions in their desperation.  I hope this does not become the case for our country.