I have observed a common pattern across many areas that I work (and live) — people avoiding dealing with tense or conflictual situations in their relationships with others. And almost always, not dealing with the situation creates additional problems or makes the conflict larger and more intense (often involving more people than were originally involved).

And it happens it lots of settings:

• in family businesses, between family members working together
• in office settings, between coworkers who can’t get a long
• in marriages, between spouses
• in extended families, between parents-in-law and their children’s spouse
• in schools, between teachers and parents of the students
• in wealthy families, between siblings who are inheriting wealth
• and on and on.

Now, I am not going to try to address all the issues relevant to conflict in relationships, that would require a book (or two). But let’s look at some core concepts.

First, why do people often try to avoid conflict? I think there are lots of potential reasons, but let’s identify a few.

1. Many people do not like emotionally-charged situations, and they feel if they raise the issue underlying the conflict, emotions will get out of control.
2. Most people don’t like others to act or communicate in an angry way towards them, and will almost anything to avoid this type of interchange.
3. Some individuals believe that, in conflict, someone must either “be wrong” or have done something wrong, and they don’t want to be accused of this.
4. Most of us, when we have done something wrong, don’t like admitting it or apologizing for our error.

The problem is — not dealing with conflict in a situation doesn’t make it go away. In fact, frequently, things get worse. When there is tension between two people, or when there is a relational break (that is, the two people are not communicating much at all, if any) — not dealing with the issue creates additional problems, including:

• Others notice the tension and it makes them feel uncomfortable.
• Communication between the two individuals becomes minimal and ineffective.
• Other people get pulled into the conflict, and often begin to “take sides”.
• The people involved in the conflict experience a lot more emotional tension in their lives, with their emotions “building up”, and often spilling over into other areas of their lives.
• The relationship becomes more and more distant, sometimes to the point of total cut-off between the two parties.

Now, I am not suggesting, that if you are in the midst of a conflict in one of your relationships, you should run out and “deal with it”. Why? Because most people who have the habit of avoiding conflict don’t have very good success at resolving conflictual situations on their own — they don’t haven’t been practicing how to deal with conflict in their daily lives (we all have it, you know), they have misbeliefs about what should be done (”we just need to sit down and talk it out”), and they may not have the skills to deal with the situation effectively.

So what should you do?

First, take stock of your relationships and see if there are any that currently have significant tension or conflict that is getting in the way. Admit to yourself that there is a relationship that needs attention.

Second, observe how the tension in your relationship is affecting your life and those around you. For you to seriously consider dealing with the situation, you are probably going to need to be convinced that the conflict is creating problems in your life. You may want to ask those close to you in the situation (coworkers, family members) how the tension affects them (don’t ask it in a way where you are looking for support for your position in the conflict).

If possible, seek some help from someone who can help you deal with the conflict in the relationship in a positive way. Get some counsel from someone you admire and observe that they seem to be able to address relational tensions in their lives in a healthy way. Sometimes it may be beneficial to talk to a professional counselor, business coach, or facilitator — to help you and the other person meet together to resolve the issues creating the conflict.

Do some reading that can help you grow in dealing with conflicts in your life. Whatever the conflict you are currently experiencing, if you are a habitual “conflict avoider”, be assured this will not be the last difficult relational situation you have to deal with — there will be more. So it would be wise to start to grow in your ability to deal with tensions in relationships in a healthy way. There is a great book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most that a number of my clients have found to be quite helpful in guiding them through tough conversations they needed to have with someone in their life. Additionally, Lewis Smedes has written an excellent book, The Art of Forgiving, that is also extremely helpful.

I have conflict in relationships in my life (just ask those close to me), and I am still learning how to deal with those tensions in a healthier manner — I think we all can. Let’s just commit together to not let tensions in relationships fester to the point where they poison our lives — it will make all of our lives healthier.

Much of life is not magic or spectacular. As one of my friends says, “Life is daily.”

And when we look at the goals so many of us have –

• to be healthy physically – in shape and not overweight;
• to be moving toward financial independence;
• to have healthy family relationships – in our marriage, with our children, and among our extended family –

many of these goals are largely the result of daily actions and taking time each week to devote to these goals.

Exercising a few times a week, eating healthy and in moderation, and getting enough sleep – moves us toward physical health.

Working hard, spending less than you earn, using what you have versus buying something new, saving regularly, investing wisely, and learning to be content in your circumstances – leads toward financial independence.

Similarly, there are some foundational habits that lead toward healthy relationships in families. And in my work every week I see both: a) families (or family members) who say they want healthy relationships but consistently do not make the choices necessary to bring about the health they desire; and b) families who have strong, warm relationships with one another as a result of habits and structures they have built into their lives over the years (and continue to do so.)

This is true for young couples, young families with children, middle-aged parents with teens or young adults, senior parents with adult children and grandchildren, wealthy families and those lesser financial means.

Let’s look at some of those patterns.

1. Spending regular time to be in touch with each other’s daily lives. This will look differently depending on the life stage of the family. It may mean talking or emailing a couple times a week (for families with children out of the home), eating dinner together regularly, taking walks together in the evening and catching up on the day’s events.

2. Having regular leisure time together. Again, the format will differ. This might mean going on a camping trip once a year. Doing leisure activities together occasionally – playing golf, fishing, going shopping, going to a concert, playing cards or a board game, or eating out together – hopefully an activity that allows for interaction during the event.

3. Taking time to have significant conversations about meaningful topics. It is difficult to have “deep” conversations spontaneously – the circumstances rarely work out right (the other person is distracted, there are kids around, someone interrupts the time, etc.) I find that people who want to have significant conversations with others plan for them. They think through what they want to talk about; they let the other person (or persons) know they would like to set aside some time to talk; and they schedule a time and an appropriate place.

It is important to note that this is true in a variety of relationships: couples; parents / kids & teens; senior adults and their adult children; and extended families (matriarch/patriarch to the rest of the family).

4. Being available to listen when others want to talk. (By the way, this is my biggest personal deficit area.) One of the key components to healthy relationships, seemingly especially with school-age children and teens, is being available when the other person has a need to share what is on their heart. This is one of the benefits of moms being home after school when kids get home, the “travel time” to / from school and activities, running errands together, cooking meals together, or working on projects together.

Unfortunately, most of us who are in the parent role tend to focus more on what we want to communicate to our kids, and often do not ask enough questions and just listen (guilty as charged).

5. Working through tensions, miscommunication, and conflict. Healthy families realize that no one is perfect, that miscommunications happen, it best to work to resolve a conflict rather than avoid it, and forgiving others when you have been wronged works a lot better than holding a grudge. So much hurt, pain, and damaged relationships could be avoided if families would realize that problems occur in family relationships and it is best to take proactive steps to deal with them.

If I could make one request from many of the families that I meet (often in passing) – do yourself and your family a favor: build some foundational habits and structures in your family’s life that will foster healthy, close relationships that you will enjoy for years. I will close with a number of specific action steps you could take (depending on your life stage):

• Sit down at the dinner table at least 3 times a week and eat dinner together, including some conversation about your day.
• Hang out with your kids, either in their room or in your bedroom, at the end of the day and chat about the day.
• Take a walk with your spouse after dinner and hear about their day.
• Call or email your college-age or young adult and ask them what they are looking forward to in the coming weeks.
• Schedule a family gathering for the extended family to get together, share a meal and hang out (keep it simple; it is more likely to happen, and don’t make it mandatory that everyone is able to attend before you schedule it.)
• Have an annual family meeting to communicate how the business has done this past year, what new projects came about, challenges encountered, and the plans for this coming year (keep it global and topical, don’t share specific financial information.)
• Offer to help your adult child on a project they need help on. Let them run the project; don’t offer unasked for advice, and just be their helper.
• Think of your own application of these principles, and write it down here: __________________________________________.

Have fun!

When I meet with business owners and managers, I often ask them what characteristics they look for in younger managers they are interviewing for positions. Frequently, one quality mentioned is the desire and willingness to learn.

Recently, I have had some amazing discussions with gentlemen (I use the word with its specific meaning in mind) who are older than I am (late 50’s, early 60’s to mid 70’s) who have been successful in many areas of their lives – in business or their profession, in managing their money wisely, having healthy family relationships, and a depth of spirituality.

My interactions with these individuals had a very distinct quality to them. Although highly successful themselves, they seemed keenly interested in learning from others. In the discussions I observed, they asked questions, listened, and delved deeper with follow-up questions. They appeared to have a true interest in the lives of those with whom they were conversing. And they were equally excited to share about what they were learning currently in their lives — not what they knew nor the successes they had previously experienced. Rather, they were discussing their current challenges, the mistakes they had recently made and what they were trying to learn from them.

Maybe it is obvious to others (I am often a slow learner), but the individuals from whom I want to learn , whom I want to be like, and desire to model my life after – are learners, life-long learners. They read a fair amount (not all learn via reading, though). They ask insightful questions. Their interactions with others are more focused on learning from those around them (whether they are interacting with “successful” people, young adults, teens, or children) rather than trying to impress others with their own knowledge.

But, unfortunately, in my daily life I meet and interact with a number of individuals who come across — to put it bluntly — proud and self-absorbed. They relate to others in a condescending manner and in a way that communicates they clearly view themselves as a primary source of wisdom for those around them.

I am personally challenged to reflect on my life, attitude, and interactions with others. Am I a learner? Do I approach interactions with the attitude - what can I learn from this person, regardless of their age or stage in life?

And I am reminded of a few sayings and proverbs I have heard, like:

“A person of understanding draws out the deep thoughts of others.”

“Even an idiot appears smart if he (or she) keeps quiet.”

“A person who learns from others who are wise will become wise himself, but if you hang out with idiots – watch out!! – trouble is on its way.”

From whom would you like to learn? Take the initiative and give them a call; set up a lunch or breakfast meeting (and think about some questions ahead of time you would like to ask them.)

I don’t mean to sound snub or condescending but, in a lot of ways, having healthy relationships is not that big of deal. Having positive relationships doesn’t have to be as difficult as people want to make it.
I often tell my friends (and sometimes, my clients) that the work I do is not rocket science. Helping families and business families “get along” is not that tough, from a conceptual point of view. The concepts are fairly straightforward.

But the real challenge is in the implementation — in getting individuals and families to do (regularly) those behaviors and tasks that build health in relationships, and to minimize those actions that damage relationships. And, being forthright, it is in the area of implementation that I am worth my weight in gold (ok, maybe not that much — I weigh a fair amount and gold is at $1,000 an ounce.) Probably the one thing I do best is help families do what they should being doing.

Recently, I have been working with some families who are good people, who mean well and have good intentions, but some of them do what they are supposed to occasionally, others practice positive patterns but inconsistently, and some seem afraid to do what is right (almost strictly out of the fear of conflict.)

I previously have written about the six steps to positive relationships, so I won’t repeat those principles. I have some other observations I want to share here.

First, it is amazing to me to see individuals and families who say they want to have good relationships with one another, but they seem to rarely spend any time together. This is true for parents with children living at home, adults who are brothers and sisters, or extended families. Everyone is “busy” (the apparently acceptable excuse for almost anything in our culture). Ok, so let me put it to you bluntly: If you want to have a healthy relationship with another person, it helps (a lot) to spend time with them regularly.

Time is good. But spending time together watching TV, sports on TV, or movies/DVDs is not really going to build your relationship a lot. Talking is good. Talking about something meaningful in your life is better. It is a good start to with sharing about events in your daily life. But you can go to a deeper level if you share about what you are thinking about the future or the challenges you are facing in your daily life. If you are really brave, you might venture into the area of politics, religious / spiritual beliefs, or where you think our country or the world is heading.

There are three intertwined characteristics that I repeatedly observe in healthy families. If you have one of the three, it is helpful; two of the three is really quite good; and if you are “three for three” I am convinced you and your family will enjoy each other for a long time.

Accepting differences, and understanding that disagreeing doesn’t mean someone is necessarily wrong, is a great attribute.

Being able to resolve conflicts in a non-damaging manner is huge.

Forgiving others and learning to “let go” and move on is at the heart of healthy relationships.

Look at the converse of each of these and you will see what I mean. Think about a family (or a relationship) where everyone has to be, act, think, dress or believe the same in order to be OK. Early in a family’s life, this can look ok, but the fabric quickly unravels — because people in family’s are different — they think, act, dress and value things differently. So either you learn to accept, and embrace, the value of differentness or you blow relationships apart.

One of the most common patterns I see that creates major problems in families is their unwillingness or inability to confront one another in a way that allows the relationship to continue. More frequently, families “avoid” confrontation (they don’t actually avoid it, it actually either goes underground, builds up and blows, or goes through indirect channels). Often my role is to help family members sit down and talk about concerns they have with each other and attempt to facilitate the discussion in a manner that both feel “heard” and allows the opportunity to dialogue and problem-solve about the situation. (NOTE: being ok with the other person thinking, acting or believing differently than you is key.)

Families who live without forgiving one another are filled with hurt, anger, resentment and broken relationships. Let’s face it — we all screw up (some of us more than others) and many of us have deeply hurt those close to us. Unfortunate, but true. And I don’t know of any real way someone can “make it up to” another person — either through compensatory actions, apologizing, or admitting they were wrong. The bottom line need is the ability for the offended and hurt to “let it go” and move on. Otherwise, the relationship will always be tainted by “Yea, but you …”

I’m sure there are other aspects we could add, but realistically speaking if you:

*Spend time together
*Talk about meaningful topics
*Accept the other person as being different from you (and that is ok)
*Choose to deal with conflicts constructively
*Forgive others when they hurt you

Then you are going to have a darn good relationship. Not that tough, conceptually. Living it out is a challenge, no doubt. But give it a try. You can do better than you have been, I bet. We all can.

(By the way, it won’t be that helpful to print this out or send it to someone in your family and say “Here are some things you should work on” [or some other more indirect wording]. Rather, work on yourself. That’s the place to start.)

There is an old saying, “It is good for brothers to get along”. And it is true. But one of the most frequent problems I see in my work is the challenge of brothers “getting along” in business. And the issue plays out in many different ways and settings:

*Brothers who have been working together for years (and now are in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s) and have built a successful business together, and are now in conflict about business succession issues — especially about how and whether the next generation should be involved in the business.

*Adult sons of the business founder who are working in the business, in different roles and levels of responsibility, and struggling with what is fair in compensation, power, influence and privileges.

*Adult children (for it is not always just brothers, but their sisters, too) — some of whom are in the business, some who are not directly involved in the day-to-day management — who are owners together and have significant conflict over the direction of the business and how resources should be distributed (i.e. dividend distributions, bonuses for the managing owners).

*One or more siblings who are working hard, taking their responsibilities in the business seriously, along with one sibling (usually a brother) who is “coasting” — not working very hard, not putting in the hours, not getting the job done — but who is pulling the same benefits (income, perks) and playing a lot more than his siblings. Result: plenty of resentment to go around.

There are lots of variations.

You may or may not remember that I grew up in a family owned business (a manufacturing company). I am the youngest of four sibs, and although I did not work in the business as an adult, I was an owner and on the Board. My two brothers worked in the business (as did my sister later on) and we had our own challenges — personality differences; some were owners and managers, others (me) were non-managing owners. So I speak from experience — it is good for brothers (and sisters) to get along. And it is a pain when you don’t.

You may have heard that there are two “CEO’s” in family businesses: the Chief Executive Officer, and the Chief Emotional Officer. The latter is often the matriarch in the family system (she may be the wife, mother, mother-in-law, or grandmother depending on the stage of the family). And one of the (self-imposed) roles of the Chief Emotional Officer is try to ensure that everyone in the family gets along. (Good luck!)

In fact, when identifying goals for the family and the business, the most frequent goal cited by the matriarch is either: “I just want everyone to be happy.” or “I would like everyone to get along peacefully.”

So, what is the point, practically? First, it may be helpful to recognize that conflict between brothers in business is a common occurrence. If this is your current (or past) experience, you are not alone.

Secondly, it is an important issue to pay attention to. Many successful businesses have been shipwrecked by unresolved conflicts among siblings in business together. It is to everyone’s benefit to address issues early, before they become unresolvable.

Finally, it is critical to recognize that relational issues — trust, healthy communication, acceptance of differences, resolving conflicts in a healthy way — are just as important for the long-term success of a family-owned business as are good management and execution of the business plan.

If you, or your family’s business, is struggling in this area, I’d love to help you work through the issues in a way that will bring a positive resolution. If I can help, let me know.

A fair amount of my time professionally is listening to individuals, families and organizations who are experiencing some challenges that they are trying to manage successfully. They describe to me a variety of problems and are looking for insight on what to do.

The issues range from individual behavior and feelings — anxiety about life, problems with anger management, patterns of communication which are viewed as condescending by others, uncertainty about one’s future career path — to problems solidly planted in the midst of relationships (marital conflict, a teenager or young adult who is demonstrating behavior problems and the parents don’t know what to do, a lack of trust among family members). And the challenges also can be more systemic or organizational — the lack of qualified managers who can “step up” to fill the gap when the current senior leaders retire, or current key employees who do not have the characteristics needed to be successful in their role.

Believe it or not, one of the most frequent questions I am asked is: “Do you think this is really a ‘problem’ or is it normal?” In essence, I am being asked: “Is this a ‘normal’ problem or is this something we should be concerned about?”

For example, parents aren’t sure if their teenager’s behavior is “normal teenage rebellion” or something greater. Or a manager doesn’t know if his direct report’s tendency to irritate his coworkers and those who work for him is “ok” and he should just let it ride, or if he should confront the issue.

Often, I give my clients some guidelines in order to determine if the problem is within the normal range of behavior (note that “normal” behavior includes challenges, weaknesses, and problem behavior) or if the pattern should be viewed more seriously. Here are a few ways to tell.

First, let’s clear the air on one viewpoint. Some people attempt to minimize problems they are having by saying: “There are lots of people who struggle with (xyz). It is not that big of a deal.” This is the adult version of the teenage justification, “Everyone is doing it!” The point trying to be made is that X behavior can’t really be problematic if it occurs frequently. Wrong. Ask the children of alcoholics or parents who are physically abusive (two high frequency behavior patterns). The level of frequency of a problem in a society has no bearing on its impact on individuals.

Ok, so here are the guidelines.

Frequency of the behavior. If a problem behavior (e.g. losing your temper and yelling at others) occurs once every six months, that is less of a concern than if the behavior occurs daily. Generally speaking, the more frequent a problem is demonstrated, the more concern there should be.

Intensity. Similarly, if the intensity of the behavior is fairly mild, this might be considered within the ‘normal’ range. But when the intensity is high, there is more concern. For example, if an employee is occasionally late to work five to ten minutes, that is not as significant as showing up two hours late (or not at all!) Anger reactions, drinking too much alcohol, anxiety, not fulfilling commitments made, etc. all fall into this realm.

Duration. If a behavior pattern has existed for 30 years (and potentially has grown worse over that time period), that is more problematic than a behavior that has just shown up recently. If a problem pattern has recently emerged, often we look for other stressors in the person’s life that may be temporary.

Generality. If a behavior pattern is pretty limited to one area of a person’s life, or one specific setting, that is less of a concern than if the behavior pattern can be seen in numerous setting. So if a manager relates to numerous people, in multiple settings, in a condescending or sarcastic way (with colleagues, with supervisors, with clients, with vendors, on the phone, in meetings, in email, out in public), then the “level” of the problem is more severe than if this style of communication only occurred with one vendor.

Impact on other areas of life. Some problem behaviors only impact one area of life (work, marriage, relationship with children). Some guys relate well to people at work and in the community, but treat their family members disrespectfully. Some people worry about their children, but the issue doesn’t bleed over into their work life, so that may not be as big of a concern.

Level of concern reported by numerous parties. When an individual raises issues or concerns about another person, whether it is at work or within a family, I view the situation differently than when the same issue is being raised by numerous people. (This is especially true when the individuals don’t seem to have any secondary gains to realize from reporting the problem.)

So, if we take all the issues together, a “normal” problem behavior is probably displayed infrequently, with mild to moderate intensity, maybe has only existed for a short while, and is fairly limited in its scope of where it is displayed.

Conversely, real “problem” behaviors are seen frequently, can be scary in their intensity, have been around a long time, and occur in numerous areas of the person’s life, and usually is creating significant disturbance in his or her life’s functioning.

One final comment. “Problem” problems need to be addressed. They will not go away on their own. And most significant problems are not easy to solve (if they were, they probably would have already been resolved.) “Problem” problems usually require multiple strategies to correct them successfully.

When I have the same issue repeat itself three times in one week in different settings, I reach the conclusion that I better write about the issue.

A growing issue for businesses is the challenge of finding quality employees. And, as we have discussed previously, it is currently equally difficult for individuals seeking work to find jobs which are a good match for their abilities and values.

As I shared this week with various employers, managers, and family business owners, there are four characteristics needed for a person to be successful in their career. And these characteristics are true, regardless of career level — from unskilled and skilled labor to highly educated professionals.

First, and most obvious, is technical or professional expertise. Regardless of industry type, or level of skill needed, almost every job requires some baseline ability, knowledge base, or technical ability — computer literacy, accounting/bookkeeping skills, welding ability, organizational skills, physical strength, knowledge of composite materials, etc. And this is the starting point for most position searches — can they . . . ? do they know how to . . .? have they been trained in and are competent to . . . ?

Secondly, an individual who is going to be successful in their current or future job position must be able to get along with others. I have yet to find a job (for pay) that does not have either customers, clients, co-workers, colleagues, supervisors or managers, vendors, supervisees. Every job requires at some level the ability to communicate with and get along with other people.

The third characteristic needed is the ability to manage oneself (particularly your emotions). As a psychologist and one who frequently deals with the emotional side of life, I have come to believe that we all have our own area of emotional vulnerability. For some, it is anger, or being easily frustrated. Depression (or at its less intense level, being easily discouraged) is the challenge for others. Being anxious, fearful, or worrying is a common area of struggle for many. Whatever the specific feeling category it may be, we all have to learn to manage these feelings, so that they don’t interfere with our ability to function in daily life. We have all witnessed otherwise talented individuals, who are “taken down” by their inability to manage their emotional life.

Finally, the characteristic of self-discipline and perseverance is core to being successful in one’s job and career. The ability to do the “daily grind” — to discipline yourself to do the basics of your job even when you don’t feel like it — is foundational to being productive. As I have stated before, when interviewing highly successful business people about their success, they often attribute “perseverance” as one of the central factors which led to their achievements.

Now, remember the title of this entry? “4-1 = 0″ has to do with the factor that if an individual lacks any one of these four characteristics, they probably will not achieve success in their chosen career field. Let’s face it. If you don’t have the technical capabilities in your field, you won’t go far. The same is true for not getting along with others. Or if your emotions get the best of you, your success will be limited. And if you don’t persevere or have the self-discipline to do the “day-in, day-out” tasks, you typically won’t go very far.

But the real issue is this. There aren’t many “4 for 4’s” out there — and they usually are already working for someone else. So what do you do?

I believe the easiest of the four characteristics to develop is the area of technical or professional expertise. Generally speaking, I would rather take a person who: (a) gets along well with others; (b) has good emotional balance; and (c) perseveres and has self-discipline, and then train them in the technical skill or knowledge base. I believe this is far easier than trying to develop one of the other three areas.

So I am encouraging managers and employers to look for good people and then train them. It seems often applicants have some foundational skills or aptitudes, but not to the level of competency the employer is seeking. I counsel these employers to hire people of good character and then invest in training them. So far, this counsel seems to prove to be a successful approach.

Now, I am hearing the thoughts of the business owners and managers out there saying, “easier said than done.” True. How do you find good people?

First, and foremost, good employees are referred to you by trusted friends and colleagues. (Hence, my repetitive call to network.)

The second best approach is to assess for these characteristics. There are measures of emotional intelligence, but I have found them to be only marginally helpful. However, over the past four months I have been investigating and becoming familiar with an assessmetnt tool that assesses not only personality style (measures like the Myers-Briggs or DISC are ubiquitous) but also character. No assessment tool is perfect, but this instrument (called the MERIT profile) has a good research base, and I have found it to be helpful in assessing potential employees. (If you contact the company, tell them you heard about them through my blog.)

Regardless of how you find good candidates, I believe the important point is for employers to focus more of their time and attention in employee selection on the three competencies which comprise emotional intelligence (relational skills, managing your emotions, self-discipline) and accept the fact that you will probably have to teach them the specific skill set needed in the job.

This is the time of year when families gather together – college students are on break, young adults return home to visit, and the extended family celebrates Christmas and New Year’s together.

So it is also the time when parents who have been successful in business turn their focus to their family. This is both a good thing and it creates difficulties. It is generally good for parents to engage relationally with their family; unfortunately, for some this is an infrequent occurrence due to their focus on work (or hobbies). But when we try to “re-enter” into the family relationally, the style and manner in which we do so can create tension, discomfort, and result in conflict.

Having grown up in a family owned business with a father who was an extremely hard worker, but who also cared about his family, we would experience this pattern. Through the year dad would work long hours, and my mom was the primary conductor of family matters. (This is not to say that he wasn’t involved at all, but until later in his business life, she had the primary responsibility of interacting with the kids regarding our daily affairs.) But around the Christmas holidays, dad would refocus and engage at a higher level in family matters. And, right or wrong, this pattern has largely continued in my own nuclear family.

So, both from observing and experiencing this pattern as a child, and now as a parent, I have seen some ways that “parent re-entry” can go better, or not so well. Let me share some of these observations.

Leading a family is different than leading a business. In business, there is a formal hierarchy with established patterns of communication and decision-making. In family matters, the structure, communication patterns and decision-making procedures are more fluid – largely influenced by which family members are involved and the specific areas of discussion or decision – and obviously, tend to be more relational. As a result, “top down” communication and decision-making that many business owners and executives try to transfer to the family doesn’t go over well (in some families, this is a extreme understatement.) The implication? Don’t try to run family meetings during the holidays like you run business meetings.

Influence is largely a factor of the quality of the relationship in families. Many parents want to utilize the time with their children and grandchildren to communicate important information – their goals and desires for the family, what is important to them, principles they want their children to live by. And this is good. However, the method by which this is done can “backfire”. If the parent does not currently have a positive relationship with the child (or whoever the family member is), the message will, at best, be ignored, and more probably may create a response of anger, resentment or disdain. I would suggest the following:

a) Spend individual time with family members. Talk with them, listen to them, ask them about their lives: what they are excited about, what they are learning, what are some challenges they are facing.

b) Share personal stories about your life. Rather than give a lecture (along with a handout) with your “five core principles for life”, share stories about experiences you have had and possibly the lessons you learned (sometimes the principles are better left unsaid). Think about what makes a good story: build the context, focus on the people involved, share sensory experiences (what it looked, sounded, smelled like), and share your thoughts and feelings throughout the experience.

c) Be aware that you may first need to rebuild relationships with others before they are going to be willing to receive input from you. If you haven’t ever read it, read The Five Love Languages by my friend, Dr. Gary Chapman. Then discuss it with the family member and see in what way love is best communicated to them. Then do it!

When planning activities for the family, give options and choices. Let the family give their input on what they would like to do and how they would like to spend the time together. Although your ideas may be great (and I am sure they are, just like mine are), they may not be what the others in your family want to do. If you want to have positive “family time”, then it makes sense that the family should be able to choose what would be fun for them.

I hope these suggestions will help your time together with your family over the holidays to be fun, positive and lead to significant interactions with those whom you love.

Merry Christmas!

Paul

Earlier this week, I had the unique opportunity of a quiet evening alone at home. I had been working fairly hard, so I decided to “kick back” a little and I rented a movie. Now, my movie watching patterns are different than most adults. Given the type of work I do, I usually am not that interested in some high intensity, adrenaline-rush thriller. And rarely do I want to see a drama with a lot of intense relational issues. No, when I watch a movie I often want to escape from reality into the realm of comedy — and even further from reality into the world of animation (I really am a kid at heart).

So this week I picked up Meet the Robinsons, a delightful film about a boy who grows up in an orphanage and who wants to be an inventor. Lewis repeatedly meets potential adoptive parents but usually blows the interview by trying to impress them with his latest invention which always malfunctions and creates some kind of chaos. There are a lot of wonderful lessons from the story, but let me focus on one scene.

Lewis is visiting a family in the future (he traveled there in a time machine) and they ask him to try to fix a machine they have that is malfunctioning. But, like all the other times, after he “fixes” it, the machine goes haywire and makes a mess of everyone. But, instead of getting angry or being disappointed, the family starts to congratulate Lewis. “Way to go!” “Great failure!” “We’re so proud of you!” They are smiling, laughing and clapping. It is a stunning moment — both for Lewis and for me.

Lewis expresses his confusion at their responses and they go on to explain that their father, who is a highly successful and famous inventor, taught them that failure is a good thing. Because when you fail, you are able to learn what doesn’t work. Failure, from their point of view, was the beginning of success. As a result, failure is to be celebrated and embraced.

“But failure, in and of itself, isn’t the key to success”, they continue. They then inform him of the family motto, which they repeat so often he gets tired of hearing it. “Keep moving forward.” When ever one experiences failure, they explain, you learn from it but also pick yourself up and “keep moving forward”. You try again. You don’t give up. You try something else to overcome the challenge in your way.

So, like all good children’s books and movies, Lewis succeeds — both in becoming a famous and successful inventor but also in finding a family that loves and values him. And it has a nice, “feel good” ending. My kind of movie.

But the lesson was stunning to me. Here is a simple children’s animated movie and it is teaching a key component of life and business success I hear over and over from the successful businesspeople with whom I work. “To what do you attribute your business and financial success?” I ask them.

“Perseverance.” “We didn’t give up even when times were bad.” “We kept doing what we knew was the right thing to do.” “We didn’t accept ‘failure’ as an option.” Essentially, they did not accept failure as the the stopping point of their efforts. They kept trying.
I am still challenged by the response of the Robinson family in the movie — they rejoiced, were excited and not at all discouraged when someone failed. They maintained a positive outlook, supported and encouraged the person, and had the perspective — “OK, now what are you going to do to make it better this next time?”

This is not “pie in the sky”, let’s hold hands and sing Kum-by-ya. This is reality based feedback. Perseverance works. Giving up does not. I need this encouragement as I face my own small setbacks throughout the week. And it was a delightful surprise to hear this message from a silly, animated movie.

“Great failure!” “Keep moving forward!” I hope I can foster this attitude in my life and in my interactions with those around me. Let’s try it!

p.s. For another “feel good” animated movie with positive life lessons, watch Robots which has the wonderful theme of an inventor whose motto is “Find a need, meet a need.”

I’ve been thinking about boundaries lately, and observing how significantly they impact our daily lives.  The lack of boundaries in relationships (or attempts to overstep established boundaries) seem to be a frequent cause of relational tension.

Obviously, there are different levels at which to consider boundaries — at the geopolitical level (e.g. the border between the United States and Mexico), in interpersonal relationships (as wonderfully explained by Cloud and Townsend in their books), and even our physical bodies (our skin provides a boundary between our body and the world around us).

I would like to use the example of our physical body to illustrate a few points about some characteristics of boundaries, and the purposes of boundaries.

First, we need to acknowledge that one purpose of a boundary is to distinguish between A (an object or person)and non-A. This is my body and it is not the same entity as the environment around it. I am me, and I am not you. We are separate beings. Although this seems simple and straightforward, there are many examples and levels at which distinguishing between A and non-A is not that clear cut. When I breathe in, is the air that is in my lungs part of me or is it still separate from me? When I perspire, at what point does the moisture cease to be part of me? The reason this issue needs to be addressed relates directly to the second point about boundaries.

Boundaries serve as a permeable “border” through which we both protect ourselves from the environment and also the mechanism through which we obtain resources and sustenance. Our skin is not a solid piece of fabric which keeps everything out nor keeps everything in. It allows the flow of information and resources between our body and the world around us — it takes in information and things we need (sunlight, moisture) and exhales information (redness of skin when irritated) and unnecessary materials.   This is true in relationships as well, either at the personal level, organizationally and politically.  We do not exist as self-sufficient beings independent from the world around us.  We interact and interchange with those around us — this is the nature of relationship.

In organizations (companies, community groups, churches, etc.) , boundaries (sometimes known as membership) help define who is and who is not part of the group.  Who can participate?  Who can provide input for direction?  Who has the rights of membership?  Who, as leaders, are we to care for and look after?  If membership in a group is unclear, then the processes of the organization become confusing and the resources can be squandered on those who are really not a part of the team.  What is required of members — what resources are they expected to bring to the organization?

Boundaries have a very direct relationship to responsibility (and often in the context of role definitiion).  What (or for whom) am I responsible?  I often see the issue of responsibility become a major source of tension in relationships — within families, family-owned businesses, companies, between businesses and customers, and businesses and vendors.  Individuals and companies who do a good job of clarifying expectations and responsibility in their relationships with others tend to have happier, non-conflictual relationships.

Let me cite some common problems with boundaries that I observe.

    1. Parents continuing to take responsibility for their children’s lives, in inappropriate ways or beyond the normal stage of life for that responsibility.  Most commonly, parents of adult children continue to take responsibility for their children’s financial well-being — rescuing them from a series of poor decisions or “helping them out” so their children will not have to experience some difficulty in their lives.

    2. Children placing responsibility (or blame) on their parents for their (the child’s) life experience.  Sometimes this is financial (”I lost my cell phone but don’t have the money to replace it.  You have money.    Therefore, you should get me a new phone.”)  But it is often at the emotional level — “I’m not happy.  I want x.  If you really cared about me, you would do x for me.  Then I’ll be happy.” 

    3. Family members confusing family and business roles.  One of the core challenges of family owned businesses is clarifying and maintaining appropriate boundaries between the family system and the business systems (ownership and management).  Often I see patriarchs wanting to help their adult children earn a good living (better than they would be able to get on their own in the marketplace) and put them in a position within the business that the individual is not qualified to handle responsibly — to the detriment of the business.  As a business owner, this is their right.  They can do whatever they want with the business they own.  However, in addition to hurting the business, this choice often leads to unintended negative consequences within the family and also often undermines the personal development of their child.

I would encourage you to reflect on the relationships in your life and examine the boundaries you have established (or attempt to).  Is the boundary too permeable?  Do you let in “toxins” from others that you need to keep out?  Or do you create such a firm boundary, keeping others at a distance and not letting them “in”, that you isolate yourself from the resources you need to live a healthy life?  Do you feel others try to place responsibility (or blame) on you that really isn’t yours to carry?  [If so, you may want to review my previous entries on dealing with dysfunctional individuals.] Additionally, in your work, pay attention to the relationships your company or organization has with others.  Are the boundaries well defined?  Is it clear who is responsible for what?  If you have ongoing conflicts with customers, vendors or strategic partners, then I would suggest you need to look closely at your boundaries, or how they are not being clearly communicated to others.