Following up last week’s entry on the risk of drug and alcohol abuse in wealthy families, the second risk from growing up in an affluent family I see among second- and third-generation family members is an overall sense of being “lost” in life. I frequently interact with individuals who have been raised in a wealthy environment, and they really don’t have a sense of purpose or meaning in their lives. Sometimes they are just “floating” and sort of hanging out. Other times they want to “go somewhere” and do something meaningful, but can’t find the right direction.

I have some observations about this dynamic and some possible underlying reasons. Although work is not the sole purpose or reason for living (thankfully), work does bring structure to our lives. As I have stated before, our culture has misperceptions about the purpose of work — primarily that we work to earn money. Thus, if a person or family has excess money for their needs and desires, they sometimes see no reason why they should have to work.

The problem with this view is that work is much more. The process of working provides us with the opportunity to learn, to try new tasks, to be exposed to new information and experiences, to develop new skills and abilitites, to problem solve and persevere, to create, to serve others, to accomplish tasks with our hands and see the results of our efforts. Just like the pleasure that comes from completing a difficult physical task out in nature — like climbing a mountain or running a marathon — so there is an innate sense of satisfaction that comes from working hard and completing a task. Also, when one does have to earn money to pay the bills or to save up to buy a car, there is the pride of accomplishment.

Individuals who come from families of wealth in some ways could be seen as being deprived of the opportunity to experience some of these feelings. There is an ancient Middle Eastern proverb that states, “The worker’s hunger drives him to work”. That is, when you are in need, you are motivated to work. Conversely, (and many political and economic policies are based on this belief) when a person feels no need or want, many people are not as motivated to work.

This issue speaks directly to parenting in our country and in wealthy families. If a child has everything they need, want, or could ever desire given to them (or provided for them), why should they work? What is the purpose of saving money if you know you will get the latest video iPod at Christmas or a luxury sportscar when you turn 16? If all you have to do is wait for the next holiday or birthday, and you will get whatever you want, why plan ahead or work on long-term goals?

So I propose that parents (and grandparents) engage in planned non-giving. Yes, you have the money to buy x,y or z. And yes, it would be a neat opportunity for your grandchild to go on an educational trip to (fill in the blank). But I suggest it would be better for them to have to earn some things (and experiences) themselves — and it will take longer for this to happen or they may “miss out” on some experiences, but the overall results in their life will be healthier.

One very wealthy family ($100M+) with whom I worked in Texas had it right, I think. The teenage kids had to pay for 50% of the cost of their first car. And their money had to come from either wages earned or birthday/Christmas money (that is, no trust money was involved). Plus, they had to pay for one half of their auto insurance. So the kids had choices to make. Play sports and work less, or work more and not go out for cross country. Buy a car now or save some more and get a nicer car in six months. This created an interesting problem for the family. One of the sons bought an older “beater” car, which was fine with the family. But many of the family’s wealthy friends would not let their children ride in the car because they did not feel it was sufficiently safe. Oh well.

One of the ancillary results of this issue — the lack of purpose and direction in life — has led me to do quite a bit of career coaching for family members. From teens to college students to young adults, and even middle aged adults — helping them find purposeful activity where they feel like they are using their skills and talents to help others or to do something productive with their life. Note that this is not necessarily an easy task, as has been addressed by a number of books, (see some of the resources put out by The Inheritance Project).

The “answer” to this issue is obviously not simple (”what is the purpose and meaning of your life?” “Why was I born into this set of fortunate circumstances?”). However, I do believe it is easier for individuals to actively engage in seeking the answers when there is a sense of struggle in life. Just like muscles become stronger when we push against resistance, so the fabric and core of “who we are” develops and becomes more clear when we have to struggle in life.

So, if you are a parent or grandparent, do your kids and grandchildren a favor. Don’t make everything easy for them. Don’t problem-solve for them all the time. Let them struggle. Give them the opportunity to persevere and overcome challenges (or maybe not) on their own. Through these difficulties they will gain the true sense of satisfaction in life that you want them to experience.

I apologize to my friend, Thayer Willis, for borrowing from the title of her excellent book, Navigating the Dark Side of Wealth, for this entry, but I really couldn’t think of a better description of the topic.

As I work with financially successful families across the country, I repeatedly see three negative patterns in family members. Most often (but not always) the problems are seen in second generation (children) and third generation (grandchildren) family members. The most serious of the three is drug and alcohol abuse. [I plan to address the other two themes in future postings.]

Drug and Alcohol Abuse

This is the “black hole” into which many individuals have fallen, some of whom spend their whole lives trying to escape from it. Unfortunately, others cease trying and either slowly kill themselves over time or end their lives abruptly.

Why do many wealthy family members struggle with drug and alcohol addiction? There are many possibilities, but I will share my own observations.

First, we need to recognize that many individuals struggle with drug and alcohol abuse, regardless of their financial status. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, in 2006 approximately 20 million Americans (8.3% of the population ages 12 and older) used illicit drugs within the month prior to the survey. Similarly, 23% of individuals 12 and older reported binge drinking at least once in the past month and 6.9% of the population reported heavy drinking (defined as binge drinking on at least 5 days in the past 30 days).  Interestingly, the binge drinking rate was 42% for young adults aged 18 to 25 and the rate of heavy drinking was 15%.  So we should expect a similar incidence rate for families of wealth. It may seem to some that the frequency of substance abuse is higher in wealthy families, but this may just be perception or the fact that these families often are more visible within the community. Regardless, I think the pathway of substance abuse for individuals from wealthy families has some unique characteristics.

The Pursuit of Pleasure. For some families their use of wealth is to pursue fun, excitement and pleasure. From the time the children are young, they go numerous exotic trips and the kids are sent to lengthy (four to six week) prestigious camps during the summer. As they become preteens and adolescents, they go on vacations every Christmas vacation and Spring break – to the family’s condo in Aspen for skiing, and to the beach house in Hawaii, the Caribbean or Mexico, along with cruises and excursions to Europe. In their later teens, they obviously go to the most challenging prep school (and many times, boarding school), drive luxury sports cars or SUVs, and basically pursue having a lot of fun. It is during this period (if not in middle school) that they start drinking, “partying”, and experimenting with drugs (usually pot and Ecstasy first).

The combination of access to easy money, a lot of free time, not much parental supervision, and a drive toward excitement leads to an expanded use of drug and alcohol. I believe additional factor includes a lack of purpose and meaning in life beyond pursuing pleasure.

In our culture, the primary view of work is for the purpose of earning money (to support yourself and buy what you need or want). If you have a lot of money (or your family does), the belief is that you really don’t need to work. So studying hard in school loses its meaning and finding a career direction isn’t a high priority (“I can always work for the family business or foundation.”)  In situations like this, it can be hard to find purpose or meaning in life beyond pursuing pleasure (see Jessie O’Neil’s book, The Golden Ghetto for her personal reflections on this issue.)

The coup d’etat of drug and alcohol abuse in wealthy families is that it is really difficult for the individual to “hit bottom”. It doesn’t take much money to keep an addict going (as evidenced by the homeless, unemployed alcoholics) and many wealthy family members have access to an almost unlimited amount of money. So how are they going to “reach the end of their rope”? Unless families take a very tough stand – to the point of seeming mean – the bottom may never be reached. And so the drug and alcohol use continues indefinitely.

Now, it is easy to describe a problem. It is far more difficult to give an answer.

I am not an addictions expert, by any stretch of the imagination. Each individual’s situation is unique, and there are many contributing factors to addictive behavior. However, I would suggest the following issues that families of wealth need to consider:

1. Be actively involved in your children’s lives. Do not parent by proxy, delegating your parenting to others. Be involved in their school activities and their peer relationships. Don’t be so busy with your activities that you are unable to supervise what is going on in their lives.

2. Identify the purpose and meaning of your family’s wealth and teach this to your children. Is your wealth only for your benefit? I believe if your view of wealth is primarily for your comfort and pursuit of pleasure, you run the risk of significant problems in your family in the future.

3. Understand that the purpose of “work” is more than earning money. Work (whether it is for money, volunteering, or chores at home) brings meaning to life. Using our time, energy and talents for the service of others gives us a sense of purpose. We need to work to develop our skills and abilities, and to find out what we are good at, and what we enjoy doing.

Like any aspect of parenting, there are no guarantees. I view these three issues as “vitamins” in a family’s life that can lead to a healthy family and help reduce the likelihood of serious problems.  There is much more which can be discussed regarding this topic, and I don’t want to diminish the seriousness of the issue with a light treatment.  But I think a brief introduction to some preventative steps that can be taken can hopefully cause some deeper thought with significant results down the road.

This week I have been asked to present to my local Chamber of Commerce on “Work / Life Balance”.  After thinking about it for a while, I chose to use the Superball as an object lesson.  Now for those of you who are young and don’t know much about the Superball, let me fill you in.

The Superball was marketed by Wham-O (who also sold Hula hoops in the early 60’s, and the Frisbee in the 70’s).  Introduced in the summer of 1965, by that Christmas they had sold 7 million balls (for 98 cents each). What was amazing about the Superball (the originals were about an inch in diameter) is that they could bounce over houses, and as they went down the street they almost seemed to pick up speed.  They were fun because with just a little effort, they could bounce all around the house (or office). 

What does the Superball have to do with balancing work and the rest of our lives?  Well, there are different sized Superballs — the regular 1″ diameter and then larger ones up to 3″ — which look really cool and like they could go incredibly high.

These large Superballs remind me of superstars in our culture — people who look like they “have it all together” — maybe some movie stars, rich athletes, and multimillionaire business owners.  The problem is — they really don’t have it all together (as the news media reminds us virtually every day).  They actually have some big chunks of their lives missing, like this. 

You see, it is a very, very rare person who is “larger than life”, who is successful in multiple areas of their life, and who is well balanced.  The reason is — we only have so much time and energy, and if you devote it almost exclusively to succeed in one area of life (business, sports, entertainment), then the other areas of your life are short-changed.  And, as a ball, you may look good (if the missing piece is hidden), but you don’t bounce “true” — you get off-course.

So I propose the following “ABC’s of Work - Life Balance”.

Apply what you already know.  Most of us know what we need to do in life.  We don’t need more information.  There is no “new groundbreaking research” that is going to solve the issue.   We just need to consistently do what we know we should.

Balance?  No one I know can “balance” a ton of bricks and a truckload of concrete.  The issue really isn’t “balance”.  The problem is that we are trying to do too much and, (surprise!) as a result, we feel overwhelmed.  The feeling isn’t perception; it is reality.  You really are trying to do too much.  Let’s look at some of things we are all trying to keep in balance:

Work (including email, voicemail, “mail” mail);  Family (Spouse, kids, parents, extended family); Daily life tasks (cooking, laundry, lawncare, car maintenance, grocery shopping, errands, paying the bills);  Finances;  Community life (civic organizations, volunteering, church, school-based activities); Maintaining our health (physical fitness, leisure and recreation, spiritual growth, social support); Friendships; Career education & training; and so forth.

So what is the answer?  Well, we first trying something called:

Cutting back?  This is where we try to survive by ceasing to do some activities in our lives.  The problem is:  what we “cut back” on is almost always those activities that maintain our long-term health — physical exercise, rest and sleep, true restorative leisure activities, spiritual reflection, vacations (weekends), and friendships.  So we wind up just shooting ourselves in the foot (I started to write “slitting our throat” which is probably more accurate, but too gruesome).  But what we really need to do is –

Create space.  This may sound the same as “cutting back” but the focus is different.  We need to take out those time and energy wasters (some are small, some are big) from our daily and weekly lives, and create space for the truly important parts of our lives.  I have been working on this for the past several months and the quality of my life has improved, from my perspective.  It’s like this.  A friend of mine recently came back from two weeks of uninterrupted vacation in the Rocky Mountains.  He proclaimed that he and his family did not watch TV, watch any movies, listen to the radio, check their email or read the newspaper for two weeks and “it was wonderful”.  He then indicated he is going to try to keep these activities to a minimum, because he realized he “really didn’t need them.”  This may sound extreme to some, but have you ever been away from the news for three to four days, come back and realize that you really didn’t miss much of importance? 

My point is this — there are a lot of mental & emotional space “eaters” that don’t really add significantly (if at all) to the quality of our lives.  And if we remove these, we can create “space” for more meaningful activities.  Possible suggestions:  don’t listen to the news while getting dressed in the morning; don’t listen to music while driving or commuting; turn off “talk radio” or your iPod; only read the paper once a week; quit checking online news multiple times a day; turn off the TV.  Even with these potentially small actions you are “freeing up” a fair amount of mental space — time and processing energy that will allow some creative thinking. 

Additionally, most of us need to learn to say “no”.   It works best if you link your “no” to a choice of something else more important to you.  “I’m sorry.  I’d like to but I don’t have the time because of my commitments to my family.  But thanks for asking!”  And really, we have to say ”no” repeatedly because they will keep asking.  Often we’ll agree to do something out of fear — fear they will get mad, fear they won’t like us, being afraid they won’t ask us again.  The problem is — if we make choices for our time and energy driven by fear (especially of what others will think of us), this leads to an out-of-control life.  So, say “no” — it will be okay, really!

The final suggestion is –

Do something.  Don’t try to change your whole life at once.  Just make a little change — one thing today, or this weekend.  Don’t be afraid to “fail” (i.e. not be consistent in your attempt to change).  Try something for a while, then try something else.

The real point is this — don’t try to be a big, oversized Superball and do everything you can to look like “everything is ok”.  You can’t do it all.  No one can (I don’t think).  Pull back — be ok with being a “regular” Superball who is balanced.  It is a lot more fun, and you really do bounce pretty high!

We all only have one life to live.  Be sure and live it in a way that brings joy to you and those around you.

Yesterday, I was pleased and honored that the Wichita Eagle chose to publish an article I had written which was based on an earlier blog entry.  The article, entitled Six Principles of Positive Relationships, can be viewed on their website, if you are interested.

Last posting I described dysfunctional people and what behavior patterns characterize them.  That is really the easy part.  The tough part is learning how to deal with dysfunctional people in our lives — whether they are family members, coworkers, employees, or neighbors — and to do so in a way that doesn’t make us go crazy (or so we don’t commit murder!)

The first clue to dealing effectively with dysfunctional individuals is to give up the expectation that they will respond in a healthy way (to whatever action you choose to take).  Usually, no matter what you do, you will feel blamed and they will be angry — it is the classic example of “damned if do, damned if you don’t.”  If you talk to them, they are angry.  If you don’t talk to them, they are offended.  If you have somebody else talk to them, you’ll be in trouble, too. So, really — you have to give it up — typically, you will not be able to fix the situation.  At best, you may be able to do “damage control”.

Accepting that you cannot change the other person (their thoughts, viewpoint, ways of behaving or their choices) is the second step.  No matter what you say, what you offer, or what you do — you will not be able to change how they are approaching the situation (the exception to this is to totally “give in” to them and give them what they want.  But this will just buy you a short period of peace, until they want something else from you.  And “giving in” doesn’t change them, it just reinforces their actions.)  You may be “right” in your position.  You may have the wisdom of Solomon.  Your life may be in a lot better shape than theirs.  It doesn’t matter.  They are not going to listen to you.

Probably the most important step that many people fail to complete is to set boundaries around what you are and what you are not willing to do.  Most of us try to change the other person. When that fails, we either “give in” to their demands (just to calm them down) or we totally distance ourselves from them; in essence, we break off the relationship (quit our job; refuse to talk to them anymore).  However, there is middle ground — although it is difficult to successful “walk in”.  This is telling them (after deliberating on what the options are and their potential consequences) what you are willing to do in the situation (give them x amount of money one last time [don’t loan it to them, because they will never repay it anyway]) and what you are not willing to do (give or loan them 3 times x amount — which is how much they are asking for.)  The problem is — they will hound you and badger you, blame you, accuse you of being insensitive and greedy, trying to get you to change your mind.  Often, it is easier to “give in”.  But if you do, you are just continuing the dysfuctional pattern.

There are a number of interrelated steps that are critical to being able to follow through when setting boundaries with others.

  1) Realize that the current “crisis” is probably not a crisis (you could see it coming a long time ago) and they will be able to live through it.

  2) Remember that if you “help them out” this time, you will be expected to help them out again (because the issue is really their misbeliefs about life and the resulting poor choices they make, and they will continue to do so.)

  3) Do not accept false guilt from the dysfunctional person.  The whole problem is not your fault and it is not your responsibility to fix the problem or rescue them.

  4) Talk with and get support from others whom you believe are functional.  You need affirmation that you are thinking clearly and responding appropriately to the situation.  Otherwise, you will start to second-guess yourself and may “give in”, thinking “just this once won’t hurt.” 

Now all of this can sound rather hopeless — can’t people change?  Yes, they can.  But they have to decide they want to change.  And often, individuals with severely unhealthy patterns have to “hit the wall” of reality — that their beliefs about life and their way of living doesn’t really work because they don’t match the way the world really works.  Continuing to “help them out” only prolongs their dysfuctional patterns because they are not experiencing the true (and usually hard) consequences of their approach to life.  So the best way to help them is to not “help” them.

One thing is probably certain — they will not be happy with you or your choice — possibly for several months or years, unless they finally “get it”.  Then they may come back and thank you for forcing them to take a honest look at themselves and starting to take responsibility for the choices they make.  But don’t hold your breath.

Last entry we briefly discussed how one’s early life experiences shapes a person’s worldview and often continues to impact your values and decisions long into adulthood. I thought it would be good to extend this discussion into the realm of dysfunctional families.

First, it is important (to me, at least) to communicate that I am as tired as anyone by our culture’s propensity to blame someone (or something else) for poor choices individuals make. (For example, I was upset by the media’s immediate reaction to blame the administrators of Virginia Tech for not responding more quickly after the assassin’s first series of murders - or their susequent blaming of mental health professionals for not “locking up” the murderer when they knew he was mentally ill.  Let’s get the blame right - they young man shot and killed people. He is responsible for his actions. The media also needs to understand the laws that are currently in place regarding a professional’s “duty to warn” before they start popping off in ignorance. [The laws may need be revised, but that is a separate discussion.])

I am not looking to attribute primary responsibility to a person’s parents or a “messed up” family for their own pattern of making repeated bad choices. I am clearly not into vicimization (making everyone who has a problem an innocent victim of someone else’s actions). Obvioulsly, there are lots of very healthy people who have come out of terrible family situations. However, other people’s actions can have a significant effect on us, especially those of our parents and family members. So let’s look at this dynamic, to try to gain a bettr understanding of what happens and why.

Let’s start by defining “dysfunctional.” “Dys” always means ‘problem’ - dysexics have problems with words (primarily reading), dysgraphics struggle with writing.  And dysfunctional individuals have problems with functioning well in the real world. It is not a pejorative or judgmental term (to me, at least) but rather is descriptive - these people are having a hard time getting along in their daily lives.

Similarly, a dysfunctional family is one that lives in a way that demonstrates significant problems in life — in relationships, at work, in their finances, managing their feelings, communications, and so on. As I have stated previously, one of my friends likes to say, “All families are dysfunctional, but some are more than others.” This is a true statement. Dysfunctionality (and conversely, functionality) exists on a continuum - from mildly to moderately to severely, and so forth. So, we all fit into the category somewhere and somehow.

Practically speaking, what does a dysfunctional individual look like? Here are some common behaviors I have observed (and, unfortunately, have experienced in some relationships):

  *After spending time with them , you feel “fogged” — like you aren’t thinging clearly.
  *You thought you were thinking correctly about a situation, but after being with them, you now feel your approach to life is being questioned.
  *You feel blamed for the other person’s situation.
  *You consistently find yourself making choices on the basis on how the other person will react (because you don’t want to “make them mad”)
  *You feel responsible to “fix” a situation that is a result of another person’s (repetitive) choices.
  *You feel if you were a “good person” you maybe should help them out.
  *You are concerned about how innocent people (e.g. children) will suffer from the poor choices made by another person.
  *Other people are mad at you because you won’t “help them out” (just this once!).
  *You are being blamed for being unresonable and insensitive to their situation.
  *You have been in this situation before (or one very similar to it) with this person. Probably, previously you “helped them out” and they are in the same again.
  *You have concerned that if you don’t rescue them from their current situation, the consequences are so significant that it may ruin their life in the future.
  *You feel pressured to make an immediate dcision to “help out,” even though the problem has been developing for quite a while.
  *You feel “smothered;” the other person wants to get too close too soon or they cut off the relationship totally, for seemingly little slights.

Individuals who behave in these ways typically (although not always) learned more of these patterns from their families. This is where the issue of early life experiences comes in. Most of us learn about the “world” from our family, because initially our family and home is our primary “world” (but this has changed with the increasing use of babysitters, daycare centers and preschools).

In our early years we learn important lessons - whether the world is safe or not, whether other people (primarily our caretakers) are caring and loving, whether they can be trusted and are predictable, what happens when we make mistakes, whether we will be protected or whether we have to protect ourselves, and so on.

The problem arises when individuals are raised in homes where the “rules” and patterns of behavoir don’t really match the way healthy relationships occur in the world outside of the family. This is most clearly evident in homes with addictions (alcoholism, drugs, gambling, spending) or severe mental illness (depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, bipolar disorders, etc.). Individuals who struggle with these issues usually develop behavior patterns to try to “cope” with life, but their choices often lead to other problems.

Dysfunctional families often exhibit a number of the following relational / communication patterns:

  >Deceit (overt lying, not telling the whole story, or hiding the truth)
  >Indirect Communication (talking “through” others)
  >Inconsistent and unpredictable behavior
  >Volatile and explosive expression of feelings (usually anger)
  >Having a sense of entitlement (”I deserve..because I want it.”)
  >Blaming others, making excuses for one’s poor choices
  >Having to meet your desires now
  >Escaping from reality (through TV, videogames, drugs, alcohol, sleep)
  >Holding on to grudges and seeking revege
  >Making verbal commitments with little or no follow-through
  >Focusing primarily on one’s public image and appearance
  >Disagreement leading to anger, “personal” attacks and hatred
  >Trying to control others through guilt, shame or anger

This is the reason that individuals who grow up in seriously dysfunctional families often have struggles later in life. Their early life history and experiences skew their views of what life and relationships should be like. For example, when a child grows up in a home where the father comes home drunk and is easily angered, the child learns to “stay out of the way.” They also learn to “cover their tracks” so they don’t get in trouble (or beat) when they have made a mistake.  And it is actually “functional” for children in these types of settings to lie - to protect themselves, their siblings or their mother. The problem comes when they are no longer in that relational environment and they transfer these behaviors to the other settings and relationships. That is when they become “dysfunctional” - that is, these behaviors no longer function well in the world they currently live.

I think I’ll stop there for now. Hopefully, this gives some insight into “dysfuntionality” as we encounter it in our lives (always in other people, right?). Next entry I may address ways we can manage situations we find ourselves in daily interactions with others who live in this manner.