Most “gifts” in our culture are tangible presents — either something we buy, or sometimes make, for another.  So when we think of Christmas gifts, or presents for other events like birthdays and anniversaries, we think of “things”.  However, given that most people are hard to buy presents for because they “already have everything”, truly meaningful gifts are often taking on a different characteristic.

This past week I had a birthday and I had a wonderful day.  I started by sleeping in a little, and then went for a run on a cool, fall morning.  I went to work for the morning, and then had a nice lunch with some friends and one of my sons.  After completing my work in the afternoon, I met up with my family (all except my son who is at college in Texas) and they gave me my birthday gift.

The gift I asked for was not one they (or I could purchase) and not the typical gift you unwrap.  They gave me the gift of taking time out to (willingly) do an activity with me that I enjoy — and wanted to do together with them. In some ways the activity itself is not that important.  In fact, it might be good to think about those things that you would enjoy taking time to do on your birthday (or at Christmas), and an activity that you would really enjoy sharing with your family.  The key to this gift (for me) was that it is an activity I enjoy, but none of my family really does.  In fact, over the years, I have included them (sometimes by coercion) — asking them to go with me, and they generally haven’t enjoyed the experience.  In fact, over the years, it became clear that they really didn’t like the activity and would only go out of guilt, pressure, or not at all.

The fact that they chose to go with me truly was a gift because it was a sacrifice for them to participate.  What made it even more special and fun for me was that we actually had a good time together (I had fun because they did).

So after we were done fishing together for two hours, we went home and enjoyed a home-cooked steak, salad and baked potato dinner — along with the traditional birthday cake.

And then the fun continued — we hung out together and played a board game together, laughing at each other until we were ready to call it a night (at least, for Kathy and I).  Not the typical Friday night that teens and young adults sit around wishing for.  But I enjoyed the time with them, and I appreciate the gift of time and fun they gave me.

So for those of us that have a difficult time thinking of “what to get” friends or family members for a gift, I would encourage you to consider giving them the gift of time — especially inviting or planning to do something with them that they really enjoy doing but maybe don’t get to do as often as they like — or that you usually don’t do with them.  It is the kind of gift that money can’t buy.

I love the 4^th of July holiday – largely because we have wonderful family “get togethers” that are a lot of fun (and we have done so for several years, which evoke a large number of fond memories for me.) And our family celebrations involve several traditions that I enjoy – being outside playing games (this year I was introduced to bocce), shooting fireworks, barbeque with great grilled meat, swimming and boating, and watching a large fireworks show (one of my great nieces asked “Why do we celebrate the Fourth of July with fireworks?” which led to a neat family discussion). So, almost always, the Fourth is a fun time (it was again this year!)

Celebrating the anniversary of our country’s Independence Day is also a great time to reflect on the numerous freedoms we have. This year I am especially aware of our freedoms in contrast to the lack of freedoms I have been exposed to in other countries.

• We have the freedom to live where we want. Yes, I live in Kansas and many people wonder why. Largely, our living in Kansas has to do with heritage and family proximity. But I love where I live – out in the country with trees, birds, wildlife, stars, and quiet. Good people. No traffic to speak of. Low property costs (which allows me to use my money on other things important to me.) And we are close enough to what we need and desire. (Being honest, the biggest downside of living in Kansas is the weather and lack of geographical features.) But if I wanted to move, I can (and have, previously living in the Chicago area, Phoenix, and Atlanta). Recently, I have become aware of reports from China where the government autocratically dictates that people must relocate. The government decides to build a new factory, to build a new dam for a river, and condemn the houses where people live. The people have no choice or recourse and they must move, with little, if any, compensation for their homes. Interestingly, several hundred thousand were reportedly displaced to build the Olympic stadium for this summer’s Olympic games, (quite an irony, obviously).
• We have the freedom to choose our own vocation. Although figuring out what we want to do with our lives vocationally is a huge challenge for young people in our country currently, it is a nice problem to have. Historically, individuals had little vocational choice due to the demands of economic survival and the cost of obtaining education or training (this is still true for the billions of people living at a subsistence level.) And in many countries, young people really have no meaningful choices for their careers – they either work as laborers in the local economy or they move to the local metropolis in search of higher paying jobs, and wind up taking whatever jobs are available (housecleaning, working in a factory). And in many countries, governmental regulations – along with the corruption and bribes needed – prohibit people from pursuing careers to meet the needs they see (not to mention the lack of economic resources).
• We have the freedom to speak our minds freely. Americans are known for “speaking their mind”, even if it is in ignorance. But, whether it is through the Internet, in personal conversations, writing an editorial to the newspaper, passing out leaflets or speaking at a public meeting, we have the freedom to share our thoughts, even if they differ from the current government authorities or from the majority culture. And we do not have to fear being imprisoned or for reprisal later (being visited after dark by the police or militia). I see the free flow of ideas and healthy discussion of different perspectives as a central process to our society monitoring itself. Recent reports from Zimbabwe and the essentially fake election there demonstrate freedom of speech (especially disagreement with the current government) is not respected there.
• We have the free to gather in groups publicly. This is obviously closely linked to the freedom of speech, but differs in an important way. If the populace becomes upset with some aspect of community life, we have the right to gather by the thousands, if we want, to make our voice known. Or we can gather to hear important speakers (less important in our age of technology), or meet to make plans of action.
• We have the freedom to choose our religious beliefs. Obviously, many of the early American settlers came to the country specifically for the desire of religious freedom — attempting to escape religious persecution (many Reformed Protestant groups such as the Pilgrims or Hutterites, or being forced to participate in the State-sanctioned religion [e.g. the Church of England]). Today religious persecution is rampant throughout the world; not only Islamic countries persecuting Christians such as Kazakhstan, Algeria, Yemen, and Tajikistan, but Muslims persecuting other Muslim sects throughout the Middle East, and the Hindu / Muslim conflict in India and Pakistan. Unfortunately, over the centuries Christians have also engaged in their own religious persecution as well (the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition).

But it occurred to me that our freedoms or closely related to, and deeply rooted in certain rights we have. I think one action step from this weekend is for me to reread the Bill of Rights (and at least summarize the points with my family). I am not big on “rights”, feeling many overemphasize their perceived individual “rights” without seeing the accompanying responsibilities that go with them. However, I am becoming increasingly attuned to the rights that we have as U.S. citizens, as dictated by our Constitution and Bill of Rights.

One foundational right I have become aware of is the right to own property. Hernando de Soto has written a wonderful book, The Mystery of Capitalism, which shows the necessity of owning property as the precursor for dealing with poverty in the developing world. If you cannot own property (not just land but any type of personal property), it inhibits your ability to be entrepreneurial and create business — because it can be taken away, and because you have no means of creating collateral to obtain a loan.

I am intrigued, however, to think through — what responsibilities go with the freedoms and rights that we have? That is, we have the right to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” (from the Declaration of Independence) — what responsibilities go with these rights?

I would love to hear your thoughts. (FYI - if you click on the title of this blog, it will connect you to a place where you can leave your comments; or you may go to www.drpaulwhite.com/blog and leave your comments there.)

Have a great week!

Fourth of July, Freedom, Gratitude, holidays, Responsibilities, Rights

Well, I am just back from 2+ weeks on the road — some work related, and some family vacation. And I have been reflecting on different types of “rest” — which is a timely topic, given that most people had a holiday weekend (although I would bet, for many, it wasn’t necessarily restful), and others are looking forward to a summer vacation.

My vacation time included fighting sickness for a good part of it (starting with allergies / cold and turning into a sinus infection with sore throat, bronchial congestion and lots of coughing). And this combination of sickness and vacation led to my thinking about different kinds of rest we need and experience.

Obviously, on a daily level, we rest (or take breaks) as we go through the day and tire from our work and activities. Then at the end of the day, we rest, relax and eventually go to bed — where our night of sleep restores (hopefully) our physical, mental and emotional energy to tackle the tasks of the next day. We do this for five or six days and then have the weekend. And the weekend is supposedly designed to give us one or two days to rest and restore ourselves for the next week.

Unfortunately, many of us keep going at a fast pace (often doing “fun” things) that often wear us down. I am reminded of co-workers earlier in my life who would say they had to come back to work to recuperate from their weekend.

And then there are holidays and vacations. Holidays are typically celebrations that include family and friends, and can be fairly exhausting. Or they provide some extra time to get “caught up” on projects and tasks that we feel behind in.

Historically, for me, I have planned vacations at a full and fast pace — leave as soon as possible, return at the last moment possible and play hard in between. However, this left little margin for getting ready & packing, unpacking and doing laundry, and getting caught up on mail, email, etc. — which led to overload (not only for me, but more so for my wife). Fortunately, I have learned to back off of this some and leave some margin of time and energy on at least one end of the vacation.

What was interesting to me this vacation was the different experience I had as a result of being sick for part of my vacation. Typically, on vacation I let my mind “breathe” — I get away from work tasks, try not to think about work much, don’t do work-related reading, etc. and let my mind freewheel a bit. This seems to be restorative to me.

When we are sick, we usually need to rest as well — to let our body fight whatever infection we have, and regain physical strength drained from fighting the illness. But when I am sick and am resting (usually sleeping or sitting somewhere with a flat-line brainwave), I am not thinking at all. I may be on meds and I am just numb. And it is not restorative in the same way. I don’t feel mentally or emotionally rejuvenated, and my creative thought processes aren’t recharged.

So I was a bit disappointed, feeling somewhat robbed of the mental / emotional / creative rejuvenation I was looking forward to.

In thinking about my experience as a microcosm of what happens in other “organisms” (families, businesses, organizations), I realized that they, too, have different types of rest and restoration that occur.

When a system or organism is generally healthy, rest (vacations, corporate retreats, planning sessions) can help the organism regain strength and focus needed to take on new tasks and challenges. Healthy leadership teams can come away from an annual retreat energized with new creative ideas to take into the marketplace.

But if a group or team is not healthy — it is fighting serious internal problems and challenges, struggling to survive on a day-to-day basis — then the rest takes on a different experience and meaning. Then the time and energy is focused on just getting well. There may be a sense of relief — of taking time and energy to get “caught up” and deal with significant problems. But usually, there isn’t a looking forward to the retreat or planning session because it is problem-focused, not really being restorative or creative (who looks forward to laying in bed all day because you are sick?).

Some implications strike me for businesses, and even families who are planning to get together.

First, take a pulse of your system / organism / organization. Are you generally healthy? Or are you primarily trying to survive because of internal issues or external factors attacking you? If you are more in the sickness mode, then take steps to do what you can to get healthy. Don’t go into an annual retreat, family gathering, or planning session and act like you are going to do long term creative planning. It won’t happen until the more critical issues are addressed.

Second, if your system is doing well, then plan some time for some rest, reflection, and celebration. Don’t push your team to the limit. By planning some time to rejuvenate, you will allow the team members to become stronger, get recharged, and come up with some new creative ideas that will make the system work even better.

Generally, in the U.S., it seems we are frenetic about pursuing pleasure and leisure activities, but we are not great at pursuing restorative rest. This seems to be true at the individual level, within families, and within business as well. Think about it (it takes some free time and mental space to think about it), and see what you come up with.

This is the time of year when families gather together – college students are on break, young adults return home to visit, and the extended family celebrates Christmas and New Year’s together.

So it is also the time when parents who have been successful in business turn their focus to their family. This is both a good thing and it creates difficulties. It is generally good for parents to engage relationally with their family; unfortunately, for some this is an infrequent occurrence due to their focus on work (or hobbies). But when we try to “re-enter” into the family relationally, the style and manner in which we do so can create tension, discomfort, and result in conflict.

Having grown up in a family owned business with a father who was an extremely hard worker, but who also cared about his family, we would experience this pattern. Through the year dad would work long hours, and my mom was the primary conductor of family matters. (This is not to say that he wasn’t involved at all, but until later in his business life, she had the primary responsibility of interacting with the kids regarding our daily affairs.) But around the Christmas holidays, dad would refocus and engage at a higher level in family matters. And, right or wrong, this pattern has largely continued in my own nuclear family.

So, both from observing and experiencing this pattern as a child, and now as a parent, I have seen some ways that “parent re-entry” can go better, or not so well. Let me share some of these observations.

Leading a family is different than leading a business. In business, there is a formal hierarchy with established patterns of communication and decision-making. In family matters, the structure, communication patterns and decision-making procedures are more fluid – largely influenced by which family members are involved and the specific areas of discussion or decision – and obviously, tend to be more relational. As a result, “top down” communication and decision-making that many business owners and executives try to transfer to the family doesn’t go over well (in some families, this is a extreme understatement.) The implication? Don’t try to run family meetings during the holidays like you run business meetings.

Influence is largely a factor of the quality of the relationship in families. Many parents want to utilize the time with their children and grandchildren to communicate important information – their goals and desires for the family, what is important to them, principles they want their children to live by. And this is good. However, the method by which this is done can “backfire”. If the parent does not currently have a positive relationship with the child (or whoever the family member is), the message will, at best, be ignored, and more probably may create a response of anger, resentment or disdain. I would suggest the following:

a) Spend individual time with family members. Talk with them, listen to them, ask them about their lives: what they are excited about, what they are learning, what are some challenges they are facing.

b) Share personal stories about your life. Rather than give a lecture (along with a handout) with your “five core principles for life”, share stories about experiences you have had and possibly the lessons you learned (sometimes the principles are better left unsaid). Think about what makes a good story: build the context, focus on the people involved, share sensory experiences (what it looked, sounded, smelled like), and share your thoughts and feelings throughout the experience.

c) Be aware that you may first need to rebuild relationships with others before they are going to be willing to receive input from you. If you haven’t ever read it, read The Five Love Languages by my friend, Dr. Gary Chapman. Then discuss it with the family member and see in what way love is best communicated to them. Then do it!

When planning activities for the family, give options and choices. Let the family give their input on what they would like to do and how they would like to spend the time together. Although your ideas may be great (and I am sure they are, just like mine are), they may not be what the others in your family want to do. If you want to have positive “family time”, then it makes sense that the family should be able to choose what would be fun for them.

I hope these suggestions will help your time together with your family over the holidays to be fun, positive and lead to significant interactions with those whom you love.

Merry Christmas!

Paul