Ok. Confession time. I am feeling overwhelmed. It seems like I have more work (and other life tasks) to do than I have time and mental (or emotional) energy. [I can hear the thoughts now: “Physician (or psychologist), heal thyself!”]

Let me explain the reasons for my current condition (from my perspective, that is; my wife will probably have other factors she would add). I believe my “overwhelmedness” is a combination of both: (a) lifestyle, and (b) a convergence of circumstances.

On the lifestyle side, I tend to run at a fast pace, pack my days and weeks quite full, and expect to get a lot done in a short period of time. So if too many unexpected challenges arise or unplanned tasks pop up, I can run short on the time and energy to complete what is before me. I have battled over the years to keep some margin in my life and schedule — sometimes I do better than others.

Add to this life pattern the fact that I have had business meetings over the past two weekends (an unusual pattern for me), and I have become overwhelmed. Weekends for me are partly for “catching up” from the week, as well as rejuvenating myself. And the fact that I had meetings over the weekends meant that I actually created more work to “catch up” from. Hence, I feel I have more to do than possible in the time allotted.

So, I thought: “Well, let’s use this as a problem-solving lesson on what you should do when you feel overwhelmed.” (I’m generally ok with a moderate amount of self-disclosure.)

First, I need to take stock and see what really needs to get done and by when. For me, it is helpful to write down all the things I think I need to do, and then to start to prioritize them (either by timeframe [today, tomorrow, this week, later] or by rank ordering).

Then I have to engage in some “self-talk”. “Ok, what really has to get done today? Why? What will happen if it doesn’t?” Often, my timeframes for getting things done are more about how I will look to others (i.e. what I think they will think of me if I don’t get it done as soon as I think I should). Usually, I am able to convince myself that not everything has to be done “right now”, and that I am going to let some items slide — for my own mental health. [For example, I am two days late in getting this posting out — which is my own timeframe; I decided no one would die if if came out late.]

With my newly re-prioritized list, I then look and see which tasks or items I could delegate to someone else, rather than do them myself. Many times there aren’t too many items I can hand off. Additionally, some of us (myself included) have the pattern of taking on too much and often look to others to “help us out”. This is ok in a work setting, if you have an administrative assistant whose job is to do these types of tasks. Both the pattern becomes problematic if we consistently overcommit ourselves and ask our spouses, family members, friends or colleagues to bail us out.

After delegating whatever I can (appropriately), it is now time to “dive in”. This means I start on the most important task and work on it until it is completed. Then I tackle the second most important task. The challenge is keeping focused, not getting distracted by minor interruptions, and working until the task is complete. Having a number of partially-completed important tasks does not bring the sense of relief and accomplishment that comes with successfully and fully completing a highly important task.

If you are truly overwhelmed (by my definition, at least), you are not going to “dig out” in one day. It is a longer term situation. Therefore, my next principle is to keep doing those things that are necessary to re-energize and rejuvenate you. Now is not the time to quit exercising. It is not the time to load yourself up with chemicals that give temporary energy or relief, but which will create a backlash (think sugar, chocolate, caffeine, alcohol). And don’t significantly reduce the amount of sleep you get. When getting caught up from being “buried”, we use a lot of mental and emotional energy. Sleep deprivation will just make matters worse. Now, realistically speaking, we may cut back on our exercise program, or work later (or get up earlier) to a degree, but the issue is one of moderation.

Two more points. First, celebrate the victories. As you knock off tasks that needed to be completed, be sure and take time to feel good about it. Take a breath, stretch and say, “OK, that one is done.” Then dive in to the next task (it generally doesn’t help the overall plan by celebrating for hours!)

Second, make decisions today that will not continue to create the overwhelmed pattern next week. Say “no”, “that will have to wait”, “I’ll have to get back to you on that one.” Probably one of my biggest problems is continuing to say “yes” or to fill my calendar, leaving little time for margin. So check yourself and make sure you aren’t putting yourself in a “repeat this bad week” mode for the future.

Finally, I have been focusing primarily on getting the tasks done. But the real cost of feeling overwhelmed is how it impacts our relationships with others. We are rushed. We don’t have time to talk. We are irritable and “short”. We become primarily self-focused on our lives and what we feel we need to get done. We are unavailable (physically and emotionally.) And although those around us who care about us are willing to “put up” with us for a while, over the long term, these characteristics can really damage the relationship. [Guilty as charged. Gotta go talk to my wife.]

This week I have been gone five days for a series of business meetings. I am writing this as I travel home to be with my family. I have been reading, and have decided to review, a book entitled, The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine. Dr. Levine is a psychologist who practices in the affluent area of Marin County, just north of San Francisco.

Ironically, I have been gone from my family for business this week and I now have to look in the mirror regarding the concerns she raises about parenting in an achievement-oriented home. Dr. Levine raises numerous valuable issues and points, but I will focus on some of the foundational issues related to parenting in the upper middle-class and affluent subcultures. (Quotes are followed by page numbers in parens.)

“Raising children has come to look more and more like a business endeavor and less and less like an endeavor of the heart.” (14) Dr. Levine cautions that more and more parents focus more on “results”, (and specifically achievement), rather than a relationship with their child.

Research is indicating a growing high at-risk group: preteens and early teens of affluent families. The incidence of depression, substance abuse, anxiety, and unhappiness is increasing at a staggering rate (20% of early teen girls are depressed.) Related to this, a subculture among affluent preteens and teens has developed which values substance abuse, rule breaking and sexual activity.

There are two primary core issues which underlie the dysfunction in this preteen and early teenage subculture:

a) the pressure to achieve, and b) isolation from parents.

Dr. Levine believes parents are “over-involved in the wrong things, and under-involved in the right things, both at the same time.” (28) She views inappropriate involvement in children’s achievement as intrusion, and an unavailability to support our children leads to isolation. “Support is about the needs of the child; intrusion is about the needs of the parent.” (12) “It is when a parent’s love is experienced as conditional on achievement that children are at risk for serious emotional problems.” (30)

“Being free enough from your own preoccupations to be attuned to the needs of your particular child is one of the greatest contributions to their healthy psychological development you can make.” (34)

Ouch. That one hits too close to home for me. I have to honestly say that often I am so preoccupied with my work that I am mentally and emotionally unavailable to both my wife and children. I need to correct that pattern in my life.

Dr. Levine then moves into a section of the book entitled Materialism: The Dark Side of Affluence. I like the way she differentiates between having significant financial resources and ‘materialism’.

“Materialism is not the same as having money. . . Materialism is a value system that emphasizes wealth, status, image, and material consumption.” “Materialism [as opposed to being wealthy].. does predict a lack of happiness and satisfaction.” (45)

Why? “When money becomes overly important, it crowds out other goals, endeavors, and interests; work, friendship, marriage, hobbies, parenting, spiritual development, and intellectual challenges can all fall by the wayside.” (47) “Materialism is about how easy it can be to choose the simple seduction of objects over the complex substance of relationships.” (48) So the focus and enamor with money, possessions, image and pleasure lead us to make choices that eventually depletes us from the more substantive, fulfilling, and lasting aspects of our lives.

The comments and observations Dr. Levine causes me to stop and reflect on my life. ‘What do I need to do differently to demonstrate to my family that I am more interested in them personally than I am about “achievement” (either theirs or my own)? I know this. I am going home and spending the evening with them – talking and listening. Any work that I could do will have to wait.

As one of my friends often says, “Life is daily.” And this is the time of year that proves the point. Mid-January, February, and March is the time of year where we often have to just “gut it out” on a daily basis. The holidays are over, most vacations are done, and now is the time to get stuff done. This is true for students, in work, in physical fitness, and all parts of our lives.

Another friend of mine has observed and commented that some people are good at the daily discipline of life, others do well in making major life decisions, while few people seem to perform well in both arenas. What does it take to do well in daily life?

I know a guy who seems to have mastered daily life. Although he is a real-life guy, we’ll call him Jerry. Jerry is a fairly bright guy, but not stellar. In college, he had to work harder than most of his peers and did so, obtaining predominately B’s, with some C’s, at a tough private college. He graduated with a degree in humanities, and later obtained a master’s degree in International Studies.

Jerry also was a decent athlete, but sort of short and stocky. He built his body up through daily discipline — running (even in subzero weather) and weightlifting regularly. He played high school football, did intramurals in college, and then continued to maintain his physical fitness through his 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. In fact, he pushed himself and successfully completed Rangers training in the Army on his first try (which is highly unusual).

In his career, Jerry did what he was supposed to (and really, beyond what was expected) on a day-to-day basis. He demonstrated personal discipline, integrity, and service to others — and as a result, he was repeatedly promoted and given more and more responsibility. Over time (in fact, several years), Jerry moved up within his organization — in fact, to become the top assistant for the general who was in charge of all NATO troops in Europe. He was invited to attend the training program for generals but declined to do so, in order to focus more on his family.

Since that point in time, Jerry has been actively involved in the lives of his children, started a business, and also is a spiritual leader within his community. Although not excessively financially wealthy, he provides for his family and has a solid marriage.

If you were to meet Jerry, you would say he is a friendly guy, and would strike you as “solid”. He is not necessarily charismatic or flashy, and many looking from the outside would not view him as excessively “successful” in the terms many define as “success” (financial wealth, fame, career advancement).

But to me, Jerry is a model. He is a man whom I want to emulate my life after — he has mastered the daily grind in multiple areas of his life.

So, for you (and for me), the question is: Where in our lives do we need to be faithful to do the daily speel? Schoolwork? Those work responsibilities which are not fun but are core to the success of your position? Physical exercise? Time with family members? Limiting financial spending and increasing saving?

So take a minute or two. Maybe review those New Year’s Resolutions you made. And determine where you want to demonstrate consistent daily discipline, which will serve as a building block for your future success. Just like Jerry.

Remember “Curly”, the ascerbic senior wrangler played by Jack Palance in City Slickers? In the movie, Mitch (played by Billy Crystal) is in the midst of a midlife crisis brought on by his 39th birthday. So he and two friends go West to “find themselves” by participating in a cattle drive. Curly is the cowpoke in charge and gives Mitch the answer to his midlife crisis — he needs to find the “one thing” that is central to his being and that becomes his life purpose.

Now there have been a lot of books written in the past ten years regarding finding one’s purpose in life (First Things First by Stephen Covey; The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren; Life on Purpose by Brad Swift) and that is not the point of this entry.

Rather, I would like to tie in the idea of “one thing” to New Year’s resolutions. The other day my wife asked me if I was going to work on my New Year’s resolutions and I said, “No, I don’t do those anymore”, which is true to an extent. I don’t make a list of things I want to do or change in the coming year (largely in response to either a sense of failure in past years, or a desire to be more honest now.) But I do focus on “one thing”.

I have learned that if I am going to change something in my life, either to do something I haven’t done before or to remove something from my life, I need to focus on one thing at a time. Otherwise, I become overwhelmed, get bogged down, and none of the x number of changes I wanted to make actually happen.

So let me share some key components of making change in our lives. The more of these you include in your plan, the higher the probability is that you will be successful in incorporating new behavior in your life. The fewer involved in your plan, the more difficult it may be to make the change happen and “stick”. But the list isn’t an “all or nothing” proposition. Rather, pick which ones work for you in your life right now and go for it!

1. Define your goal in observable and measurable terms. Set a goal (to exercise a total of 240 minutes a week; to take a 10 week class in conversational Spanish; to save $1,000 by Memorial Day). If your “change” is amorphous and ill-defined, you really can’t develop a specific plan to achieve the change and you won’t know when you reach your goal.

2. Make a firm (written?) commitment to yourself that you intend to reach this goal and set a target date for achieving the goal. Most of us set “sort of” goals, like “I think I’m going to …” or “I’d like to …” This is in contrast to: “I am going to …. by x date.” Feel the difference in the level of commitment?

3. Determine how and when progress toward the goal will be measured. Often we set long-term goals (anything over two weeks is really long term in the realm of change) but don’t set up interim goals that will help us track our progress and help keep up accountable. If you are going to save $1,000 by Memorial Day then you should set up interim goals for every week or month between now and then.

4. Use social support. One of the key factors to successful behavior change is not trying to do it by yourself. Hence, the success of WeightWatchers or exercising with a friend or taking a class together with someone. Although the support can be in the form of reporting and accountability, the best form is by doing it together. That way, you encourage and support each other along the way.

5. Accountability — have an external reporting source verify your progress. If you really want to get serious about accomplishing your goal, set up a system to “check in” with someone who has to verify (by physical evidence, not by your verbal report) your progress. They see the balance on your savings; they check with your friend about class attendance; they watch you weigh on the scale. It’s tough, but effective.

6. Use rewards and consequences for reaching (or not) your interim goals. Although goals and consequences for reaching your ultimate goal work sometimes, usually the timeframe is too long to make a difference in our daily decisions. If you go to your Spanish class and get all the homework done, treat yourself to a dessert. If you reach your exercise goal for the week, rent a movie you have been wanting to see. I would encourage you to focus more on rewards than consequences; otherwise, you can develop a negative and resentful mindset toward the life change if you don’t reach your goal in one or two weeks, which results in giving up.

7. Focus on a short-term project rather than an exceptionally long period of time. If you want to make a long term change, break it up into a series of short term goals (3-4 months). Most of us only have so much mental and emotional energy, and from a perspective point of view, short-term goals are easier to start toward and complete.

With regards to choosing that “one thing”, let me offer some different ways to decide what change you should pursue. Sometimes you pick the one thing that really irritates you the most about you, and that would significantly change how you feel about yourself if that behavior or characteristic were different. Sometimes it is best to choose an “easy win”; some behavior that you know you can (and will) change if you just set your mind to it. And then you use this as a confidence builder to attack a more menacing behavior next quarter. Or sometimes you pick a behavior or pattern you have been thinking about working on, and one of your friends is planning to attack the same area — that way you have a built in social support system.

Whatever it may, I hope you find “one thing” you want to improve in your life and develop a plan that has a high probability of success rather than just go through the motions of making some New Year’s resolutions with no definite plan — that will probably lead to frustration and negative thoughts about yourself (and nobody needs that). I’m going to decide what my “one thing” is and work out a specific plan, and I will have it done by 8 a.m. CT 1/2/2008.

A week ago, I had the privilege of attending a music festival with my son, Daniel.  Although the festival is several days long (and many people go and camp out, playing music all night long), we were only able to go for one long day. For those who are not familiar with it, the Walnut Valley Festival can sound like a small-scale gathering of country hicks — it is located in Winfield, KS, a small community one hour’s drive outside of Wichita, KS.  But the festival has been the home to the national acoustic guitar flat picking championships for 30 years, has between 12,000 - 15,000 attendees each year, and a variety of musical styles are represented.  Performers as diverse as Nickel Creek, Alison Krauss, John McCutcheon, the Dixie Chicks and Byron Berline have played at the festival over the years.

This year I thoroughly enjoyed the high energy rockabilly style of The Wilders , the humorous entertainment of the Italian maestro of acoustic guitar — Beppe Gambetta , John McCutcheon’s irreverant political satire and command of multiple instruments, and the driving rhymic jazz of Tommy Emmanuel.  But probably the most delightful surprise was my introduction to The Greencards, an up and coming bluegrass/jazz group who play in a style reminiscient of Nickel Creek.  They are a trio from Austrailia and Great Britain who have mastered a traditional form of American music and added their own twist to it. (Some friends of my son’s had heard them and encouraged us to go and listen to them — there are four stages going simultaneously at the festival, so you have to choose who to listen to.)

Now, why am I writing about this?  I obviously am not a music critic and the theme of this blog isn’t music.  However, I was moved deeply during the time — as I often am when I listen to music.  For me, music (and especially music with no lyrics) is healing.  In fact, I firmly believe that when I listen to purely instrumental music for a period of time, I can actually feel its impact on my brain.  I”feel” different — I calm down and relax, there feels like activity in parts of my brain that I don’t usually experience, and the “high activity” parts of my brain related to words gets to relax.

Now add live music to sitting outside, with a breeze on your skin, sometimes drizzling rain, sometimes partly sunny, sitting on a grassy hill (at one of the stages, at least), and watching a variety of people — different ages, various backgrounds, and different reasons for attending (for some, it is an annual ritual, for others it is an introduction to new types of music, and for many, it is a reason to get together with friends) — and you get an incredible multisensory experience.  And that doesn’t even include the food.

You may not especially like music.  That’s ok.  I am not trying to sell “music”.  But I hope you have other, similar experiences that provide this type of restorative feeling to you.  Biking, sailing, hiking, fishing, reading a good novel, gardening, painting, sewing or knitting, hunting, watching the stars, running, — whatever it is, I would encourage you to make some time for it.  And if you are like most of us today, you will need to plan in advance, otherwise it may not happen.  What would you like to do?  When?  Get out your calendar and write it in.  And enjoy — both looking forward to it, planning it, experiencing it, and reflecting upon it.

This week I have been asked to present to my local Chamber of Commerce on “Work / Life Balance”.  After thinking about it for a while, I chose to use the Superball as an object lesson.  Now for those of you who are young and don’t know much about the Superball, let me fill you in.

The Superball was marketed by Wham-O (who also sold Hula hoops in the early 60’s, and the Frisbee in the 70’s).  Introduced in the summer of 1965, by that Christmas they had sold 7 million balls (for 98 cents each). What was amazing about the Superball (the originals were about an inch in diameter) is that they could bounce over houses, and as they went down the street they almost seemed to pick up speed.  They were fun because with just a little effort, they could bounce all around the house (or office). 

What does the Superball have to do with balancing work and the rest of our lives?  Well, there are different sized Superballs — the regular 1″ diameter and then larger ones up to 3″ — which look really cool and like they could go incredibly high.

These large Superballs remind me of superstars in our culture — people who look like they “have it all together” — maybe some movie stars, rich athletes, and multimillionaire business owners.  The problem is — they really don’t have it all together (as the news media reminds us virtually every day).  They actually have some big chunks of their lives missing, like this. 

You see, it is a very, very rare person who is “larger than life”, who is successful in multiple areas of their life, and who is well balanced.  The reason is — we only have so much time and energy, and if you devote it almost exclusively to succeed in one area of life (business, sports, entertainment), then the other areas of your life are short-changed.  And, as a ball, you may look good (if the missing piece is hidden), but you don’t bounce “true” — you get off-course.

So I propose the following “ABC’s of Work - Life Balance”.

Apply what you already know.  Most of us know what we need to do in life.  We don’t need more information.  There is no “new groundbreaking research” that is going to solve the issue.   We just need to consistently do what we know we should.

Balance?  No one I know can “balance” a ton of bricks and a truckload of concrete.  The issue really isn’t “balance”.  The problem is that we are trying to do too much and, (surprise!) as a result, we feel overwhelmed.  The feeling isn’t perception; it is reality.  You really are trying to do too much.  Let’s look at some of things we are all trying to keep in balance:

Work (including email, voicemail, “mail” mail);  Family (Spouse, kids, parents, extended family); Daily life tasks (cooking, laundry, lawncare, car maintenance, grocery shopping, errands, paying the bills);  Finances;  Community life (civic organizations, volunteering, church, school-based activities); Maintaining our health (physical fitness, leisure and recreation, spiritual growth, social support); Friendships; Career education & training; and so forth.

So what is the answer?  Well, we first trying something called:

Cutting back?  This is where we try to survive by ceasing to do some activities in our lives.  The problem is:  what we “cut back” on is almost always those activities that maintain our long-term health — physical exercise, rest and sleep, true restorative leisure activities, spiritual reflection, vacations (weekends), and friendships.  So we wind up just shooting ourselves in the foot (I started to write “slitting our throat” which is probably more accurate, but too gruesome).  But what we really need to do is –

Create space.  This may sound the same as “cutting back” but the focus is different.  We need to take out those time and energy wasters (some are small, some are big) from our daily and weekly lives, and create space for the truly important parts of our lives.  I have been working on this for the past several months and the quality of my life has improved, from my perspective.  It’s like this.  A friend of mine recently came back from two weeks of uninterrupted vacation in the Rocky Mountains.  He proclaimed that he and his family did not watch TV, watch any movies, listen to the radio, check their email or read the newspaper for two weeks and “it was wonderful”.  He then indicated he is going to try to keep these activities to a minimum, because he realized he “really didn’t need them.”  This may sound extreme to some, but have you ever been away from the news for three to four days, come back and realize that you really didn’t miss much of importance? 

My point is this — there are a lot of mental & emotional space “eaters” that don’t really add significantly (if at all) to the quality of our lives.  And if we remove these, we can create “space” for more meaningful activities.  Possible suggestions:  don’t listen to the news while getting dressed in the morning; don’t listen to music while driving or commuting; turn off “talk radio” or your iPod; only read the paper once a week; quit checking online news multiple times a day; turn off the TV.  Even with these potentially small actions you are “freeing up” a fair amount of mental space — time and processing energy that will allow some creative thinking. 

Additionally, most of us need to learn to say “no”.   It works best if you link your “no” to a choice of something else more important to you.  “I’m sorry.  I’d like to but I don’t have the time because of my commitments to my family.  But thanks for asking!”  And really, we have to say ”no” repeatedly because they will keep asking.  Often we’ll agree to do something out of fear — fear they will get mad, fear they won’t like us, being afraid they won’t ask us again.  The problem is — if we make choices for our time and energy driven by fear (especially of what others will think of us), this leads to an out-of-control life.  So, say “no” — it will be okay, really!

The final suggestion is –

Do something.  Don’t try to change your whole life at once.  Just make a little change — one thing today, or this weekend.  Don’t be afraid to “fail” (i.e. not be consistent in your attempt to change).  Try something for a while, then try something else.

The real point is this — don’t try to be a big, oversized Superball and do everything you can to look like “everything is ok”.  You can’t do it all.  No one can (I don’t think).  Pull back — be ok with being a “regular” Superball who is balanced.  It is a lot more fun, and you really do bounce pretty high!

We all only have one life to live.  Be sure and live it in a way that brings joy to you and those around you.

Two weeks ago I shared some thoughts from the very interesting book, Inside the Investor’s Brain, by Dr. Richard Peterson. Here are some more of his insights. Some of the initial parts (e.g. feelings) are fairly self-evident but are necessary foundations for later comments and conclusions. [reminder: page numbers are in parens]

Feelings
Feelings are the result of the comparison of one’s expectations and the actual experience. So when one expects a positive event (gains in one’s investments) and this happens, there is a positive response (elation). When you expect a positive event and the event doesn’t occur, a negative feeling response occurs (e.g. disappointment). If you expect a negative event (losses in your investments), but a positive event occurs instead, you have a positive response (e.g. relief). If you expect a negative event, and it occurs, a negative response occurs (e.g. anxiety).
The intensity of the feelings experienced is the result of three factors:
a) the size of the discrepancy between expectations and reality;
b) one’s experience with similar situations; and
c) any significant associations or memories. (39)

So, obviously, the larger the gain in relation to your expectations, the “higher” you will feel. Or the greater the loss in relation to your desires, the deeper the anguish will be.

Comparisons

I find the process of comparing ourselves to others to be one of the biggest contributors to our state of emotional being. And, as I have emphasized previously, we typically compare ourselves to others whom we pereceive to be “better off” than we are (and often our perceptions are incorrect). Thus, we can become angry, disappointed, or envious. Conversely, if we compare ourselves to less well off than we are, we can be quite thankful for our lives (and sometimes feel guilty, too.)

Dr. Peterson states:
“Emotions often arise when one compares his or her life circumstances to those of others.” (40) “This comparison phenomenon occurs throughout the business world, where measures of self-esteem and accomplishment are often made tangible. Silicon Valley billionaires may feel jealous of the size of each others’ yachts, leading to a boom in the construction of ultra-luxury vessels as each tries to outdo the others. A non-billionaire sailor may feel happy simply to be in the same marina as such beautiful boats.” (41)
Peterson goes on to propose that “when one measures success by comparing oneself to another, . . . then winning the comparison makes one feel happy, but also deprives one of the motivation to continue working hard. .. Alternatively, when success is measured according to an internal benchmark, … then it remains an enduring motivation and leads to long-term excellence.: (41)

Defense Mechanisms

Sometimes we employ the use of psychological mechanisms to defend ourselves from feeling negative feelings (which we typically don’t like to experience) such as guilt or anxiety. One defense mechanism is rationalization where an individual attempts to provide a rationale (a logical reason) for their choice or behavior which created a negative result.
Peterson cites one type of rationalization investors often use called motivated reasoning. “Motivated reasoning is thinking biased to produce preferred conclusions and support strongly held opinions.” (45) [ASIDE: There seems to be a lot of this type of thinking going on in the political realm, on both sides of the spectrum.]
An important implication is that “people who engage in motivated reasoning perform more poorly on decision-making tasks than those who are less defensive about negative information. . . George Soros indicated that one of the keys to his acumen is the ability to non-judgmentally think about why his investment reasoning process may be wrong (his theory of fallibility).” (46)

Investing and Feelings

“ ‘If investing is entertaining, if you’re having fun, you’re probably not making any money. Good investing is boring.’” [George Soros] (91)

The Jackpot Trap. Studies of individuals in casinos, reveal the following thinking patterns of individuals gambling. People tend to focus more on the size of the potential reward (the jackpot), rather than the probability of winning.
There are a number of cognitive misjudgments that occur during games of chance (and which can impact financial investment decisions, as well.) Dr. Peterson cites research that found the following:
“When an outcome is possible but not probable, people tend to overestimate its chance of occurring. This is called the possibility effect. (Frequently seen during huge lottery jackpot payoffs.)
When an outcome is likely, people to tend to underestimate its odds. This bias has been named the certainty effect.
Events of probability less than 40 percent are susceptible to the possibility effect. Outcomes with greater than 40 percent probability are in the realm of certainty effect.” (177)
“For the most part, there is dissociation between intellectual judgments of risk and emotional feelings about risk. Emotions in uncertain or risky situations are more sensitive to the possibility rather than the probability of strong consequences, contributing to the overweighting of very small probabilities. In general, naïve investors think that very low probability but emotionally loaded events (such as potential market crashes) are much more likely than they actually are. High-likelihood, emotionally weighted outcomes, such as bull markets, are assumed to be less likely than they actually are.” [emphasis added] (178)

The Anatomy of a Stock Hype

Some investment opportunities directly appeal to investors’ emotional reactions. One such deal is the “stock hype”, where a promoter attempts to hook investors’ interest and commitment by the style in which the information about the investment is communicated. Unfortunately, I could track point-by-point with him on times when I have succumbed to the pressure of this approach.  Dr. Peterson presents the following characteristics of a stock hype:

1. Novelty. An emphasis on new or overlooked areas of the market, in order to stimulate curiosity.
2. Anticipation of a large gain. Suggestions that investors could expect a “huge payoff”.
3. Information overload. Sales pitches loaded with lots of statistics such as projected revenues, earnings, projected market size. The large amount of information tends to shut down people’s ability to critically analyze the data.
4. Bargain buying. An appeal to the investors’ search for a bargain by using phrases such as “under book value” and “dirt cheap”, implying that one can’t lose by investing.
5. Author as expert. The communicator of the deal presents themselves as an expert in the area of investment, attempting to foster a trust of his recommendation. Using obscure, detailed data in one ploy used.
6. Time pressure. The deal is presented in a manner that makes the potential investor to feel as if they may “miss out” if they don’t act quickly. Individuals need to “act soon” or the offer is going to close soon. (94-95)

There is a lot of other both interesting and practically helpful information in this book. One final point from some research Dr. Peterson summarizes: we tend to make better decisions (both in life, generally, and financially) when we are rested, are eating healthily (limit fat, caffeine and alcohol), get moderate exercise, and are connected relationally to others (306-307). So go live a healthy life and have the wonderful secondary result of making better decisions, as well!

“What is the purpose of work?” is both a personal question for me and a key question for many of the families with whom I work (although they don’t necessarily ask it directly like that).  Consistent with the stereotype of a hardworking Midwestern farmer, I am a pretty hard-working guy (I am not a farmer, but come from that heritage). So I work fairly long hours, but probably more importantly, I work consistently — not taking many days off or vacations. Not bragging. Not looking for either respect or sympathy. Just describing the situation.

And the question, “What is the purpose of work?”, is relevant to many of my clientele families at many levels. For many, they no longer have to work in order to support themselves or their families. They have been successful in business, investing, or wealth-creation of some kind and now have sufficient financial resources for the rest of their lives. But most (not all) continue in some form of work — investing their time, energy and intellectual capital in new endeavors. Why?

And the purpose (or meaning) of work intersects their lives at another level — their children (and sometimes grandchildren) either currently have or will have access to more than enough money and financial assets that they really will never have to work in order to support themselves or their families. So the question becomes: Why should they work? (or even prepare for working through education?) A somewhat easy question to answer at a theoretical or principle-based level, but far more difficult in real life conversations when your kids ask the question.

I am not presupposing I have all the potential answers to these questions, but I have thought it through some (and discussed the issue with a lot of people). So here are some of my thoughts.

First, let me define what I mean by “work”. I am talking about meaningful and productive life activity. It does not only mean a paying job — most adults do some forms of work that are not paying (making meals, doing the dishes, lawncare, paying the bills, laundry) — although many wealthy individuals and families hire these tasks out to others. I think probably the most undervalued form of non-paying work is parenting, and more specifically, mothering. Mothers work long, hard hours; they don’t get paid; and they don’t typically get much in return (accolades, thanks, recognition). Mothering is, flat out, a tough job. There are additional non-paying jobs in the forms of community service and volunteering. So work is not defined by payment in this context.

In fact, that segues into one of the core questions about work in our culture today — if you have enough money, why work? And the converse of this question actually is the implicit (and sometimes explicitly stated) goal for many — “I want to get rich and have a lot of money so I can quit my job and never have to work again!” Aside from fame, I think this is the primary driving force for those who desire to be professional athletes, movie stars, entertainers, record producers, and possibly many entrepreneurs.

The inferred meaning of work from this perspective is: The purpose of work is to make money.

So if you have “enough” money (which is a personal definition), you don’t have to work. This is where the dilemma intersects with children and heirs of significant financial wealth — if the primary purpose of work is to make money, and we have all the money we need, why should I go get a job? And why should I study hard in school to get a job I don’t need?

The problem is, from my perspective, this is a limited view of work. Work, besides making money, is meaningful daily life activity — making something, serving someone, providing something of worth to others (either individually or to the community in which you live [local or globally]). And I believe it is woven into the nature of humans to both desire meaningful, productive activity and to gain satisfaction from the same.

This actually creates some challenges in some kinds of work — you don’t always see the product of your time and effort. In my field of counseling and consulting, my “products” are somewhat ethereal. You can’t always see the results of my efforts (sometimes not immediately, but later; sometimes for a brief time period and then they seem to dissipate; sometimes not ever!) So I counteract this by doing more physical tasks in my avocational time — trimming trees, writing an article — a task where I can see some type of visible result.

Now, for me personally, I am not in the situation where I am able to “not work” (for pay). I still need income to support my family. But even for me, I ask (especially when I am weary or discouraged) — besides earning money, for what purpose am I working? What am I trying to accomplish? What am I accomplishing? Does it matter? To whom? (And does it matter if it makes any difference to someone else?) [To those of you with whom I work, I am not indirectly looking for accolades or reassurance of my efforts — I am letting you in on my internal thought processes.]

One of the reasons I went into the counseling profession initially was because I wanted to make a difference in people’s lives, rather than manufacture (or sell) some physical object that may or may not really enhance the quality of anyone’s life. But that is a value decision on my part. And even so, is that the core reason to work — to make a difference in people’s lives, or to improve the world? Maybe, maybe not.

Besides these reasons, what are other purposes of work? For some, there is a spiritual aspect. For others, work can be the mechanism through which they discover themselves and become all they were meant to be.

Realistically speaking, I think work can become the measure by which we attempt to gain self-worth (to some, being a Vice President of a company means you are better as a person than if you were a factory assemblyman). And I think it is also a way we try to gain acceptance or recognition from others — other people will think more of us if we are more “successful” in our careers. No judgment here on these, just laying it on the line.

So the question remains — what is the purpose of work? Why do you do what you do? Is it just because you “have to” (or you feel you have to)? Think about it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A related, interesting question to me is: what is the purpose of leisure? (Especially since, from my perspective, our culture pursues leisure like a cocaine addict pursues their next fix.)

Contentment.  This is one character quality you don’t hear much about these days.  In fact, being content is really a countercultural concept.  I haven’t recently (or ever, actually) heard a commercial say, “Keep what you have.  Fix it up a little or just make it work a while longer.  You don’t need to go buy something new.”   We are bombarded with messages to not be content — we need the newest or latest version (”new and improved”) of xyz, or we really can’t be happy in our current modest home, or we are enticed to take the family on fairly expensive trips or cruises.  None of these things, by themselves, are wrong obviously.  But at some point it seems that it would be good to be content with what we have.

Think about the various aspects of your life — your home (or apartment), your current vehicle(s), the community where you live, your sound system(s), your spouse or your single marital status, your clothes, the food you eat, it can go on and on.  Which of these do you really like?  Which are just “ok”?  Maybe there is some part that you really dislike.  But how much of our desire for something new or different is actually driven by comparison with others — rather than just a pure need?

This is a personal issue for me, partly because of where I am in my own life development.  Up to this point in time, I have primarily been driven to look for “more” – have new and different experiences, try to develop a better job situation, expand my impact in the world (not so much, have the latest and greatest things).   But recently I am realizing the need to slow down, enjoy life in the moment, and be content with where I am in life.

For me, contentment is closely tied to gratitude.  When I stop and am thankful about my life — my health, the home I have, my wife and kids, my job — then I am less likely to feel driven to “do more”.  But interestingly, almost always, there is a downside to each aspect of life as well.  For example, I have really quite good health (and usually sleep well, which I really appreciate) but I have a few nagging pains here and there.  Or, I love my home in the country, but it also means my car is almost always dirty because I live on a dirt road.  I have a great wife and wonderful kids, but we have our struggles and challenges at times.  And there is a lot I love about the work I do, but I also get tired from the emotional demands and the hassles associated with traveling.  So there are pro’s and con’s to each part of life.  But I can choose to focus on the positive aspects and experience the quiet peace that goes with it, or I can become consumed by the negatives and live life angry, irritable and unhappy.

The problem is — we really aren’t taught how to be content in our culture. And the bombardment from advertising can wear you down. So let’s look at some practical ways we can “try on” or practice the viewpoint of contentment.

1. Think of an item you have been considering purchasing. Now tell yourself, “You know, I really don’t need a new ________. Sure, it might be nice to have, but is buying and having it really going to make me happier? Or significantly change my daily life experience? I think I will wait for a few weeks and see if I really think I need it then.”

2. Think about where you live (either your actual house/apartment or your community). Spend some time making a list (at least mental, if not written) about what you enjoy or appreciate about your living situation. If you are really dissatisfied, think about others in the world who do not have clean water, don’t have consistent electricity (and no air conditioning), or who live in a place where their physical safety is at risk. Most of us really have it quite good.

3. When you start to complain or think negatively about your daily life responsibilities (job, home responsibilities, schoolwork), say out loud to a friend, coworker or family member: “You know, even though I have to ________ and I really don’t like that part of my daily life, I am sure glad I don’t have a job where I have to ________________ (fill in the blank with any nasty circumstance thousands of people deal with daily — work 10-12 hours a day/7 days a week; not being able to find work to support themselves or their family; do manual labor in the hot sun for little pay, etc.).

4. If you are not real happy in your current relationships situation (family, marriage, living alone, significant dating relationship), stop and take note of all of the neat people that have impacted your life positively — your parents, grandparents, siblings, friends. Most of us have had the privilege of being in a relationship where others truly cared about us.

5. Be aware of the potential to compare your life situation negatively with those around you.  One response I try to practice in my life is when I hear about something really neat for someone else (they bought a new car, they sold their business for a lot of money, they are going on a exciting vacation), I try to respond: “That is great.  I am really happy for them.”  (It is important to not follow up with additional snide or sarcastic comments, however!)

I am not trying to be a sappy psychologist here, or just move us to “think positive thoughts and your life will be joyous and peaceful” –but I guess I am trying to nudge us that way. And interestingly, there is a secondary benefit of contentment as well — we tend to spend less money because we aren’t trying to buy things or experiences to make us happy.

In fact, Benjamin Franklin said “Contentment makes poor men rich, and discontentment makes rich men poor.” I know I have seen both poor people who are quite happy, and extremely wealthy people who are not only miserable but they keep pursuing riches and eventually lose their material wealth, as well.

So try it. Practice some new thoughts and speech. Be aware of how much you are bombarded with messages to be discontent with your current life circumstances and laugh at them. And see if life isn’t a bit more pleasant and peaceful for you.

Summer is obviously the traditional time for family vacations, due to the fact that students (and many educational instructors) have the summer off of school. As a result, the family vacation is on many individuals’ minds. Having just returned from my own vacation, I thought I would share some thoughts that may help your vacation be a profitable one for you, personally and professionally (although there probably will be associated financial costs!)

Vacate. The root of vacation is “vacate” – meaning, to leave. Although it can be costly, if at all possible, I would encourage you to get away from home for your vacation. Getting away from your home, along with your daily routine and responsibilities, provides a needed mental break necessary to rejuvenate and re-energize.

Rest. Try to schedule your vacation activities in a way that allows you to get some rest. Many of us schedule our vacations so tightly that we have to stay up late the night before we leave to do laundry, clean house, and pack – making us exhausted before we even leave! We then are so busy and frantic during the vacation itself that we become more tired. And we also leave little margin at the end to “catch up” from being gone. So try this – plan some days to sleep in, maybe take naps and time to “do nothing”.

Refresh. Do you know what is mentally and emotionally refreshing to you? For me, it’s nature. I haven’t truly been on vacation if I’m not able to spend some time in nature. For others, it is being pampered – eating out, going to a spa, or staying at a nice hotel. Some people are refreshed by visual beauty, others by learning about new places, history or culture. Young parents (both dads, but especially moms) need some time alone to be refreshed – even if it is just one day (or several hours!). Identify what renews your spirit and schedule some of this type of activity into your vacation.

Reflect. Being away from your daily routine, responsibilities, and environment can provide the mental space needed to reflect on your life. Is this how you want to live? What changes would you like to make so your daily life more closely reflects your true values? Is your current pathway leading you to your goals (personally, professionally, relationally, health-wise)? Schedule some time to be by yourself, reflect, and write down your thoughts.

Relationships. For many, your vacation is a time of renewing and deepening important relationships. Families on vacation together have the opportunity to spend longer time periods together. When used correctly — that is, talking together versus each person listening to their own iPod or playing videogames or experiencing unique activities together – vacations can be a significant time in a family’s life. For individuals who are not currently in a significant relationship, vacations can be utilized to deepen friendships by going on vacations with friends or by visiting family members (siblings, parents).

There are obviously other ways to make your vacation “work” for you – giving you the sense of relaxation and refreshment we all desire from our vacations. But ultimately, the best way to benefit from taking a vacation is to do what Nike says: “Just do it!”