Following up last week’s entry on the risk of drug and alcohol abuse in wealthy families, the second risk from growing up in an affluent family I see among second- and third-generation family members is an overall sense of being “lost” in life. I frequently interact with individuals who have been raised in a wealthy environment, and they really don’t have a sense of purpose or meaning in their lives. Sometimes they are just “floating” and sort of hanging out. Other times they want to “go somewhere” and do something meaningful, but can’t find the right direction.

I have some observations about this dynamic and some possible underlying reasons. Although work is not the sole purpose or reason for living (thankfully), work does bring structure to our lives. As I have stated before, our culture has misperceptions about the purpose of work — primarily that we work to earn money. Thus, if a person or family has excess money for their needs and desires, they sometimes see no reason why they should have to work.

The problem with this view is that work is much more. The process of working provides us with the opportunity to learn, to try new tasks, to be exposed to new information and experiences, to develop new skills and abilitites, to problem solve and persevere, to create, to serve others, to accomplish tasks with our hands and see the results of our efforts. Just like the pleasure that comes from completing a difficult physical task out in nature — like climbing a mountain or running a marathon — so there is an innate sense of satisfaction that comes from working hard and completing a task. Also, when one does have to earn money to pay the bills or to save up to buy a car, there is the pride of accomplishment.

Individuals who come from families of wealth in some ways could be seen as being deprived of the opportunity to experience some of these feelings. There is an ancient Middle Eastern proverb that states, “The worker’s hunger drives him to work”. That is, when you are in need, you are motivated to work. Conversely, (and many political and economic policies are based on this belief) when a person feels no need or want, many people are not as motivated to work.

This issue speaks directly to parenting in our country and in wealthy families. If a child has everything they need, want, or could ever desire given to them (or provided for them), why should they work? What is the purpose of saving money if you know you will get the latest video iPod at Christmas or a luxury sportscar when you turn 16? If all you have to do is wait for the next holiday or birthday, and you will get whatever you want, why plan ahead or work on long-term goals?

So I propose that parents (and grandparents) engage in planned non-giving. Yes, you have the money to buy x,y or z. And yes, it would be a neat opportunity for your grandchild to go on an educational trip to (fill in the blank). But I suggest it would be better for them to have to earn some things (and experiences) themselves — and it will take longer for this to happen or they may “miss out” on some experiences, but the overall results in their life will be healthier.

One very wealthy family ($100M+) with whom I worked in Texas had it right, I think. The teenage kids had to pay for 50% of the cost of their first car. And their money had to come from either wages earned or birthday/Christmas money (that is, no trust money was involved). Plus, they had to pay for one half of their auto insurance. So the kids had choices to make. Play sports and work less, or work more and not go out for cross country. Buy a car now or save some more and get a nicer car in six months. This created an interesting problem for the family. One of the sons bought an older “beater” car, which was fine with the family. But many of the family’s wealthy friends would not let their children ride in the car because they did not feel it was sufficiently safe. Oh well.

One of the ancillary results of this issue — the lack of purpose and direction in life — has led me to do quite a bit of career coaching for family members. From teens to college students to young adults, and even middle aged adults — helping them find purposeful activity where they feel like they are using their skills and talents to help others or to do something productive with their life. Note that this is not necessarily an easy task, as has been addressed by a number of books, (see some of the resources put out by The Inheritance Project).

The “answer” to this issue is obviously not simple (”what is the purpose and meaning of your life?” “Why was I born into this set of fortunate circumstances?”). However, I do believe it is easier for individuals to actively engage in seeking the answers when there is a sense of struggle in life. Just like muscles become stronger when we push against resistance, so the fabric and core of “who we are” develops and becomes more clear when we have to struggle in life.

So, if you are a parent or grandparent, do your kids and grandchildren a favor. Don’t make everything easy for them. Don’t problem-solve for them all the time. Let them struggle. Give them the opportunity to persevere and overcome challenges (or maybe not) on their own. Through these difficulties they will gain the true sense of satisfaction in life that you want them to experience.

Recently, I am working with more and more young adults who are finding it difficult to find jobs in their desired career path. And it doesn’t really matter what area they are in – business, education, computer science, marketing, graphic design. Some are recent college graduates (as in 2007), while others have been out of school for a while. Some of these individuals have taken short-term (e.g. one or two year) positions and now they want to ”move on” in their career. And I am hearing reports back from numerous young people across the country that “finding a job is “harder than I thought it would be.”

Interestingly, I am finding flecks of this theme in various articles and books. One nationally syndicated newspaper column, entitled “How Liberal Arts Grads Can Find a Good Career” encourages liberal arts students to “think beyond grades” and to get involved in internships, either paid or unpaid. Probably good advice, but it usually falls on deaf ears – the college environment screams the importance of grades to students and many liberal arts colleges don’t provide much assistance in landing internships. Besides, once you have graduated, it’s a little late to work on these issues.

In her book, Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled – and More Miserable Than Ever Before, Dr. Jean Twenge ( psychologist) states that “more and more young people in their twenties will be disappointed that they cannot pursue their chosen profession.” She states young people are starving for good advice in career paths. Partly, she believes because although young adults are goal oriented they really don’t have realistic ideas of how to achieve their goals. As Adam (age 22) stated, “ Getting a degree does not guarantee a stable job.”

Another column put out recently by the Cox News service, was entitled, “Boomer Parents Hover Even in Kids’ Job Hunts”. The author, Tammy Joyner, reports that some parents of young adults who are applying for jobs are: a) trying to sit in on their children’s job interviews; b) rescheduling interviews for their child applicant: and c) calling prospective employers to find out the status of the job offer or d) asking why their child didn’t get the job!

OK, so what seems to be the problem here? Well, I think there are a number of factors that are contributing to the challenge of young college graduates being able to find a job:

1. Employers are looking for someone who has practical work experience, not just academic training. Most employers I talk to would rather hire a person who is not a college graduate but who has some practical work experience in the industry, rather than a college graduate with no experience (aside from coursework).

2. Young people today tend to believe that external fators (luck, chance,) have more to do with life success than personal effort. (See Dr. Twenge’s book for research that documents this viewpoint) As a result, they tend to “wait to see what happens” rather than be proactive in their application process.

3. Young people tend to have unrealistic expectations about the world of work (and it is not all their fault). They have been told for years that they are smart, great, brilliant and anyone would be lucky to hire them (welcome to the results of self-esteem training).

They also typically haven’t worked much and expect a higher paying position and higher level job than their experienced warrants. So they often are offended (or at least, not interested) in some “lower level” jobs offered to them.

So my advice to young people who are looking for jobs today includes:

A. Do something. The default for many in this generation is to be passive and “wait”. Time will get you nowhere without action. Put in applications (in person), call on jobs in the newspaper, send in your resume to monster.com This does a couple of things – it lowers your anxiety level, and it lowers your parents’ anxiety level. And it increases the probability of you finding a job.

B. Talk to people. Networking is still the best way to find a job. Talk to people (not just your friends) – adults in the work world. Tell them you are looking for work. Ask them if they know anyone you should talk to (just someone in the field, not just someone who is looking to hire.) Talk to your parents’ friends, call people, visit them at their workplace, or meet them for lunch.

C. Get some kind of paying job – any job. The world has changed. It no longer looks bad to take a “scut” job that is not related to your career field (this is true for most young adults starting out, but not for older adults who are already in their career). Employers want to know that you are willing to work. Most employers will be impressed that you are working part-time at Starbucks just to pay the bills or you have a full-time position at Best Buy while you are looking for a “real job”. They understand the financial demands you are facing and you will gain “points” in their minds for being responsible and proactive.

D. Be willing to take a job in your career field that you think is “beneath” you. In a recent article in Fortune magazine, James Bell, the CFO of Boeing, Inc. states, “ A lot of young people think they know a lot more than they really know.” Many companies are willing to hire college graduates in entry level positions and quickly move them up the ranks as they show competence and willingness to work hard. A word of advice: don’t expect to be offered a position where you are supervising others, until you have proven yourself first.

E. Have a plan and work it. It doesn’t have to be a grand, master plan – just a plan for the week: who you are going to call, where you are going to apply, who you are going to meet with. The key to success is twofold: persevere and always ask people if they know someone you should talk to – and do it.

Sometimes the obvious becomes lost in the clutter of day to day living. Recently, in a number of small ways, I was reminded of how each person’s own personal life history shapes their view of the world, and thus, their expectations. These personal beliefs then translate into choices a person makes and their reactions to life circumstances.

Let me cite a few examples that illustrate the point. As part of my work with successful business families across the country, I am fortunate to be able to interview them and hear their life histories. What is fascinating, and educating to me is how clearly one can see the connection between the individuals’ stated (and lived out) life values, the coices that they have made over time, and their stated goals for the future — and their own personal life history (and often, their parents’ life experiences, as well.)

For example, Marjorie (all names are made up and some facts are changed to maintain confidentiality) grew up in East Texas during the Depression. Her father was a subsistence farmer and life was difficult, but they were making it. They then endured and survived the Dust Bowl years (1930s). Just when they were starting to do a little better, the U.S. government came along and purchased their farmland in order to build a military installation. Unfortunately, the government didn’t pay much for the land, and it was a huge setback for her father and their family. To this day, Marjorie feels like the government tends to “take” more than it gives and she is adamant in her family’s wealth transfer planning (she and her husband have become quite successful in their business) that the government will receive no money through estate taxes even if it means her children and grandchildren receive less money. Obviously, her early life experience dramatically shaped her thinking.

For advisors who work consistently with individuals who lived through the Great Depression or Dust Bowl of the 1930s, we have come to expectd certain characteristics that developed from their early life experiences. Members of the “Greatest Generation” (as Tom Brokaw has described them) tend to be extremely frugal, they save everything (string, nuts and bolts, coffee cans, almost anything you can think of), they have plenty of extra food in their cabinets, and they are usually “tight” with their money (but they are also generous with their family!)

In comparison, members of the Baby Boomer generation (those born from post-WWII through the late 1950’s) had a very different early life experience. Life was fairly stable (although they lived in the anxiety-ridden Cold War period). They grew up in homes where the core value was “working hard”. Typically, their father’s primary role was that of provider, and their mother was in charge of taking care of the family and the home (although she often worked part-time outside of the home or went to work once the children were in school). The Boomers generally have a positive view of life — they have experienced economic growth, significant improvement in their lifestyles, and incredible developments in science.

Later generations (those raised in the 60’s and 70’s), Generation X, Generation Y and beyond have had different early life experiences again. Generally speaking, they have been raised in various levels of affluence (clearly no where near the poverty or survival levels of their grandparents). Much of the focus has been on them being “happy”, with a lot of time and resources devoted to entertainment (TV, movies, cable, DVDs, computer games, Gameboys, Xbox, Wii, etc.), involvement in sports, personal development (dance lessons, music lessons), and academic achievement (getting “good grades”, at least). Many believe (myself included) that a large number of the younger generations have very different expectations about life and about work. One interesting read is Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled–and More Miserable Than Ever Before by Jean Twenge, Ph.D. (I may review the major points of this book later).

One point to consider is: if you are having a hard time understanding another person in your life — whether they are family (parent/child/grandchild), friends, or coworkers — it may be useful to sit down and learn more about them. Find out about their life — what they have gone through, what they have overcome, the challenges they have experienced, and the people and events that have significantly influenced their lives. And, if they are interested, share some of your life story with them, as well.  The process and discussions may take some time, but seek to understand their life experience and how this has impacted their worldview.  (I am also finding it helpful to reflect on my life and see the connections with some of the issues I am dealing with.)  You may not fully understand or agree with their thinking — and you almost certainly won’t change them.  But I find that a small dose of understanding often leads to an increased measure of patience and empathy.