In the past several weeks, I have had the opportunity to interact with a few large extended families — both at a personal and professional level. And I have been impressed with some common characteristics I observed across these families, whom I view to be relatively healthy and functional.

Given the bashing that extended families take in TV shows and movies, you wonder if every family is totally filled with people who can’t stand each other and have major conflicts at every gathering. But I can tell you from multiple experiences — this probably isn’t the case. Now, I am not saying that most multi-generational families function like the Waltons (for those of you under 30, I don’t have a more recent media example of a syrupy-sweet family). And, in fact, virtually every family has some major challenges relationally. But that really is the point — healthy families learn how to manage challenges without blowing themselves up.

Here are some qualities and behavior patterns I observed in these relatively healthy, multi-generational families:

Straightforward and honest communication. It is difficult to have good relationships with others when people don’t say what they really mean, when they lie about themselves and others, or if they use indirect forms of communication (talking about or “through” others). Being upfront and honest (without being brutal) is a good starting point.

Invest time with one another. Relationships require time together, and families who are healthy realize this. They make time to be together. Getting together with the extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) is rarely convenient. But if a family is going to stay together, they have to be together, at least occasionally.

Acceptance of differences. People are different, have you noticed? The challenge is that, usually, there are commonalities among family members — they look alike, they have many of the same talents and skills, and they often have similar interests and values. But within all families there are individual differences (sometimes this is a source of tension while the “different” one is growing up), and these become even more pronounced when siblings become adults, marry, and form their own family units. Wise families accept these differences, and seek to embrace and support those who have different perspectives, backgrounds, values and ways of living. If “different = wrong”, then this becomes a source for breaks in relationships and an overall defensiveness (”my way is right”). A lack of understanding and accepting those who are different from you is a major impediment for families continuing to relate together.

Not easily offended. It was interesting to observe that there were numerous situations in which an individual (or family group) could be offended by a comment or action by another. Generally speaking, this didn’t happen. Family members chose to “let it slide” and not make an issue of it. On the other hand, there are individuals who carry a chip on their shoulder, and can be offended by the slightest of (often unintentional) comments, actions or decisions. Routinely, they seemed to react by distancing themselves and cutting off the relationship.

Kindness and showing interest in others. An overwhelming theme was the high level of kindness displayed among family members — demonstrated largely by an interest in others. I personally experienced this with my wife’s family — they asked questions of me (or whoever they were talking to), seemed genuinely interested and listened to my responses, and were encouraging in their comments. In most interactions (across the different family groups I was with), there was very little demanding to be the center of attention and no observable pouting from individuals who didn’t feel that they weren’t getting the attention they felt they deserved.

So what do we do with these observations? Wish that we were part of these families? Maybe, but that really wouldn’t do any good.

I think the implications are twofold:

a) Strive to interact in a healthy manner with your family. Be a positive family member yourself. (It starts with being involved and communicating with family members.)

b) Encourage and instruct others to behave maturely. This is a touchy one. I don’t mean: criticize and berate others for not behaving well. I do mean instructing your children in the healthy ways of communicating, and possibly, giving gentle encouragement to others (with whom you have a decent relationship) who are struggling, to make good choices in their interactions with others.

Positive, supportive relationships with family can be achieved (to some degree, at least), if we each work on our own part. The alternatives seem to be: a) don’t relate to your family at all, or b) stew in negative interactions which no one enjoys and which will destroy whatever relationships exist.

It’s your choice.

Have a great week and enjoy those around you!

Unfortunately, when the issue of “character” is in the news today, the focus is usually on character failures — lack of integrity, marital unfaithfulness, greed and dishonesty. So to be able to talk about a man of good character is a privilege.

When thinking about the title of this entry, I was indecisive about whether it should be “To a Great Man of Character” or “To a Man of Great Character”. Obviously, I chose the latter — for two reasons. First, in the world’s eyes I don’t know if Spence Sawyer would be characterized as a “great man” — in the general terms of incredible success professionally or in terms of raw talent. Although he was talented in several areas and he was also quite successful in his profession, most who knew Spence focused on who he was as a person. So, the second reason I chose this title is because almost everyone who knew Spence would agree he was a man of “great character”. It was his character that impacted others, and most who knew him (including myself) found themselves wanting to emulate him.

Spence Sawyer died this week at the age of 78. He was born and raised in the suburbs of west Chicago and spent most of his adult life in this area, with a few years early in his professional life living in New Jersey while commuting to New York City. He was the father of seven children, whom he mentored and helped each obtain a private college education (no small feat financially, regardless of the era).

I want to highlight just a few of the character qualities that I first thought of when reflecting on Spence’s life:

Responsible. Responsibility was at the core of Spence’s being — shouldering the responsibility of leading his family and guiding his children, from childhood through adolescence and into their adult lives; taking responsibility to provide leadership in most of the organizations he was committed to (his church, his company [he worked for Illinois Bell and AT&T for forty years], the college he and many of his family members attended), and just in general daily life. If Spence saw something that needed to be done, he would make sure it got done.

Faithful. In his personal relationships, Spence was faithful to his wife, Ruth, of over 50 years, his children, grandchildren and his friends. Spence was “Mr. Reliable”. If he made a commitment, he kept it. You never had to wonder if he was going to show up; he was always there. He followed through on commitments made — in fact, you would never think of Spence not following through. He was rock solid. You wanted him on your team — and he was sought out by organizations because they knew he would help you achieve your goals.

Investing in others. I’m not sure of the best way to put this, or of a good singular term, but Spence gave his life in the service of others. He was not self-promoting. He did not seek positions of leadership — he was seen as a leader and asked to take leadership positions by those around him. After his retirement in the 90’s, he spent much of his time and energy meeting with others — teaching, mentoring, listening and encouraging. Interestingly, because of some early life experiences that impacted him significantly, Spence was reluctant to give advice to others — even when asked. But if you cornered him, you could get him to help you frame the problem and think through the issues you needed to consider. (The result of his investing in others will be seen next week at his memorial service where 800-900 people are expected to honor him and share in the celebration of his life.)

Laughter. From the previous descriptors, one might conclude that Spence was a stern, stodgy, “all work and no play” kind of guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Spence was one of the best story- and joke-tellers I have ever known, and he loved to laugh. In fact, one of my favorite memories is sitting with him at the kitchen table, having a bowl of ice cream and he would start telling some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. The problem was, he would start tearing up and laughing before he finished the joke — and you found yourself laughing and crying just because he was (and you weren’t exactly sure why)!

There are lots of other personal qualities that characterized Spence, some of which were so ingrained in who he was that you couldn’t think of him not exhibiting them (honesty, integrity, generosity). He was a man of deep spirituality who loved the God he served and who has left a legacy in the lives of those who knew him — that will endure for years to come. I know that I have been deeply impacted by his input into my life and I will miss him dearly. I had the privilege of knowing him for over 30 years, as the father of my wife. His leaving the life on this earth has caused me to seriously reflect on my life and my priorities.

I hope that I will also become a man of great character.

In my role as a family coach for wealthy families, one of the common issues that arises is the parents’ desire to be “fair” with their children and grandchildren. (I put “fair” in quotation marks because it really is an unusual term that is defined differently by many people and is almost totally based on perception.)

For whatever reason, and I really don’t know exactly where it comes from, fairness is an extremely important issue in our culture that drives many decisions within families. Take, for instance, this past week’s events over Christmas — parents (regardless of their financial status) are quite concerned about giving the equivalent financial value (or perceived value) in gifts to their family members.

There are many challenges related to parents or grandparents trying to be fair with their family members. Let me cite a few:

The “givers” have their own perception of what is (or should be) fair. Most people have a hard time accurately or concisely describing what “fair” is, but they sure have a strong sense of it intuitively. Often it is described in terms of being “equal”, but when pressed about specifics or circumstantial differences, the concept of equal usually fades into the background.

The “receivers” usually have a different view of fairness from the givers (and from other receivers).Most of the family members with whom I work are genuinely grateful for any gift they are (or will be) receiving. The adult children and their spouses do not appear to be greedy, unthankful or have a sense of entitlement. They understand that the “givers” have the right to do whatever they want with their possessions. Nonetheless, when probing deeper, they often express a different viewpoint of what would be “fair” in how the gifts are distributed across the family — often not to their own benefit but out of concern for one of their siblings or in-law’s.

What is “fair” changes over time (pretty easily and often). Let’s take the recent volatility in the financial markets and real estate values. Suppose, in May 2008, some parents gave one of their children $100,000 in a blue chip stock; they gave their second child a house in Atlanta worth $100,000; and they gave their third child $100,000 in cash to use as they wished. Let’s assume each child wanted and agreed to the form of the gift they received (this isn’t always true, you know). So not only were the gifts “fair”, they were exactly equal in monetary value in May 2008 (which is an unusual occurance). But fast forward to May of 2009. The blue chip stock lost 40% of its value, so it is now only worth $60,000. The home in Atlanta lost 50% of its value and can’t really be sold for virtually any price. And the $100,000 in cash is worth $102,000 after they earned 2% on it in a money market account. Are the gifts fair now? Should the parents do some additional giving to make the monetary values equal?

When do you want fairness to exist? When do the givers want things to be fair. Now? Next year? When the business sells? When everyone has completed college? When dad dies and his life insurance proceeds create cash to equalize the gifts given? When both parents die and everything will be “equaled up”? “When” is an important question to answer — for a number of reasons. First, you have the most control over events closest to the present. So “now” seems to be a pretty good option. However, you may not have the liquid assets to make everything fair now, so “now” doesn’t work for many families. Secondly, the further out the “when” is, leaves more variables to chance and the likelihood of fairness not being achieved. Is it “fair” to your second child to wait until the business sells (say in 5 years) to make things fair, and they get divorced and become a single parent needing cash flow two years from now? Or is it “fair” to the eldest child who is running the business (and buying it from you) to wait to realize their inheritance when they sell the business (potentially) in twenty years? I can run a lot of scenarios that create problems.

So what do you do? Give up on the ideal of “fairness”. Maybe, but probably not. I try to help families (usually the senior couple or single parent) clarify what being “fair” means to them, to the best of their ability currently. Secondly, answering the question “when” is critical — and it differs significantly across families. Finally, I encourage family members to think more in terms of values, rather than fairness. Since fairness is a moving target across time and is perceived differently by almost everyone involved — I find making decisions based on what is important to you as a better guideline.

Is education for the next generation important to you? Then figure out a way to fund that. Is affordable housing important? Then figure out a way to help younger family members achieve this goal. Travel? Stay-at-home moms for your grandchildren? A financial safety net? Guaranteed health insurance? Whatever is important to you — pursue that as a gift.

You will eventually have to make some decisions about what you view as being “fair” — assuming you have more than one child. Do you try to equalize your gifts to your children? Or do you try to equalize them at the grandchild level (one of your children has two kids; his sister has three kids; and the youngest has one of his own and three stepchildren)? It’s not easy. But, hey, that is what I am here for — to help you think and talk through the issues, so you can come to a decision you can live with.

Remember, you don’t have to have a lot of money or “stuff” for this to be an issue. Dividing up the household furniture and belongings raises the same issues. Whatever you do, don’t let one of your kids or grandkids (who does have a greed or entitlement issue) “guilt” you into making decisions you don’t want to.

Until then, have a great and safe New Year’s celebration.

A “new tradition” is sort of an oxymoron.  By definition,  (”a long-established, inherited way of thinking or acting”), a tradition is some action that you have been doing for a while.  But I believe it is both possible and helpful to intentionally create new traditions for your family.

We need to recognize that families go through a variety of life stages, with different needs at each stage.  And the demands and parameters of daily life vary significantly.  Think about what life is like when you:

• Are in college, or a single young adult.
• Are newly married, early in your career, without children.
• Have 2-3 children, ages birth to four years old.
• Have 3 children, ages six to twelve, and both parents are working outside of the home.
• Are parents of preteens and high school students.
• Have some children in college and some at home.
• Have daughters-in-law’s and sons-in-law, with some of your children living in other parts of the country.
• Have become empty-nesters, and eventually grandparents.

It is hard to imagine a family tradition that could survive and be really appropriate for family members across all of these life stages (with the possible exception of special foods served at holiday meals).  That is why most family traditions die over time — they no longer “fit” with where the family is currently. So it really seems necessary for families to create (or revise) family traditions over time, if the family is going to continue to have traditions they celebrate.

We may want to review why having traditions is important?  What is the big deal?  On the one hand, I could argue, they really aren’t that big of a deal — they aren’t directly related to the survival of anyone or the family.  On the other hand, I believe traditions are important for a number of reasons.

Traditions:

• Create a sense of togetherness among family members.
• Provide a context by which family memories are made and can be recalled (”remember when you were little, we used to … “)
• Become an avenue through which you can teach important values (e.g. going as a family on a service project together).
• Give a sense of stability and predictability to a family, which children both need and desire.
• Generate positive emotional energy within a family through a sense of anticipation of the event, and also gratitude for the energy expended to make the event occur.
• Develop a pathway of transferring family history, values and stories across generations (”When I was growing up, our family . . . “)

Let me give you some examples of traditions we have created within our family over the years.

Opening Christmas presents.  When our children were little, we devised a strategy to manage the pressure of them wanting to open Christmas presents (which were already under the tree) on Christmas eve.  Rather than facing constant and repeated questions (”Can’t we just …), we came upon the plan of me [dad] giving the family a present to open on Christmas eve.  Every year it was a game that we could play together that evening.  So it accomplished a number of goals:  a) decreased the demands to open presents;  b) provided a family activity for us to do together; and c) helped us develop quite a storehouse of games to be used throughout the year!

Giving gifts to charities and educating the family about the charity.  Several years ago, when my siblings and our families gathered together to exchange gifts at my parents’ home, we decided that we didn’t need to give each other small, and sometimes not very meaningful gifts, just out of habit. We were having our own families, didn’t need the extra expense, and the time and energy to shop for one another (even after we had reduced it to drawing names to just give one present) didn’t seem worth it.  So we agreed to start a new gift giving tradition.  That each year one sibling and our spouse would choose a charity; we would provide information about the organization and the services they provided, and then the siblings gave money to that charity instead of buying gifts.  (This was a time-limited tradition which went away as our families grew larger and we no longer meet together to exchange gifts across the extended family.)

A new holiday meal.  In deference to my friend, Dr. Gary Chapman, and his book The Five Love Languages, I would propose that there is a separate love language for teenage boys — food.  (Anyone else who has had three teenage boys knows what I mean.)  This is especially true for our middle son, Joel.   A number of years ago, when Joel was in high school, he proposed that we start a new tradition, a Christmas eve meal of barbeque meatballs, fries, salad, and brownies for dessert.  His brothers, sister, and dad all thought this sounded like a good idea — and in exchange for help in making the meal, mom agreed to the new tradition, which we enjoy to the present.

A family story-telling event.  When we moved into our home over fourteen years ago, we started a tradition focused on our new, large fireplace.  We call it “The First Fire”.  Every year, as the weather gets colder, we pick a night to build our first fire in the fireplace.  We start it without newspaper (only using really small pieces of wood) and try to start it with just one match.  After the fire is going, we turn out all the lights, sit around the fire and eat some wintry munchies (popcorn, hot cider, hot chocolate, make s’mores).  And then we tell family stories.  Kathy and I tell stories about our families when we were growing up, and even stories that our parents told us about their childhood.  And then we tell stories about each child, when they were little.  (The siblings all chime in with their own memories and stories of one another.)  It really is a delightful time.  We will have to see if the tradition continues or how it may morph into a new form, since our children are all at college or out on their own now.

There are other traditions I could share (Fourth of July celebrations, vacation sites we went to repeatedly for years, birthday traditions, New Year’s traditions), but that is enough for now.

As we approach the Christmas and New Year’s holidays, when most families gather together, I would encourage you to think about your current (or possibly past) traditions that you want to keep going or rekindle.  And also think about possible new traditions that you may want to start.

Here are a couple of lessons we have learned in starting new traditions:

1. There needs to be a leader, someone who leads out and take charge.  Just throwing out an idea (”Maybe we should . . .”  or “What do you think about .  .  . “), doesn’t make it happen.
2. Having more than one family member involved and committed raises the probability of getting started.   Trying to start a family tradition by yourself doesn’t usually work.  There needs to be “buy in” from one or two others (depending on the size of your family) to sustain the energy needed to overcome inertia, and to “get it done”.
3. Don’t wait for everyone for to get excited about the idea in order to start. Having unanimous agreement or excitement is probably an unrealistic expectation (especially if you have teenagers!)  It is okay for someone to not really be that excited about the idea initially.  But usually, if it is a decent idea and implemented adequately, family members “come along” and often later admit they enjoyed the time.

Whatever you do together as a family over the coming weeks, do it and enjoy one another!

May God bless you and your time together over the holidays.

I started reading a good book this week — A Game Plan for Life: The Power of Mentoring by John Wooden and Don Yaeger.  It was recommended to me by a good friend, and I always try to pass on worthwhile reading to others.

The first part of the book covers the seven mentors that influenced Coach Wooden (for those of you who don’t know, he was one of the most successful college basketball coaches of all time, at UCLA). In discussing different types of mentors (professional, personal, spiritual, etc.), he makes a fascinating point:

• “I know that my life has been blessed with incredible opportunities, and as a result, I have a responsibility to reach out to others to share the insights, experiences, heartbreaks, exhilaration — all the lessons I’ve managed to accrue through the nearly one hundred years that God has given me on this planet… Knowledge is nothing unless it is shared.  I know that knowledge for knowledge’s sake is a wonderful ideal, but in reality, it is the transmission of understanding that is the very basis of civilization.” (p.7).

As I work with multi-generational families and family-owned businesses, one of the core principles we emphasize is the process of transferring knowledge, intellectual capital, and life experiences from the senior generations to their children and grandchildren. It is not an easy process — I think it is one of those “important but not urgent” activities that Stephen Covey emphasizes.  Part of my role as a family coach is to help structure activities and processes to help make the transfer happen.
And as we come upon the Thanksgiving holiday, I tend to think about how to best use our time together as a family.  What traditions do we want to keep doing?  Which traditions really aren’t that important or have lost their meaning?  What conversations do I want to have with my adult children when they are home?  What information or life experiences do I want to share with them?

Here are seven “lessons for life” that John Wooden’s father shared with him on a card given at his high school graduation:

1. Be true to yourself.
2. Make each day your masterpiece.
3. Help others.
4. Drink deeply from good books.
5. Make friendship a fine art.
6. Build a shelter against a rainy day.
7. Pray for guidance and give thanks for your blessings every day. (p.13)

Think about those who have impacted your life and the lessons you learned from them — both from direct instruction and from their modeling.

And then think about what you want to pass on to those who are important to you.  Maybe take some time and share a life experience with someone younger: “You know, I was thinking about … and a lesson I learned. . . . “

Have a great week.

This past week I had the opportunity to speak to about 70 parents at a private college prep high school.  The anxiety level in the room was moderately high because these parents were there to hear answers about how to get their students to take seriously the process of finding a career path and choosing a college to attend.

Earlier this fall, I wrote an entry on anxiety – understanding it and strategies for managing it, so I won’t repeat those principles here.  But I had a number of parents comment afterwards that limiting the amount of future they think about was a helpful concept to them.

I continue to “preach” the concept that a student’s career path is the combination of understanding themselves (their abilities, interests, personality style, etc.) and knowledge about the world of work. And I fully believe that we continually overemphasize the individual aspect of the equation. In fact, (although it is a bit of an over-statement) I have come to believe that it really doesn’t matter what a student wants to do.  Ask anyone one of the tens of thousands of individuals who have been laid off, furloughed or who can’t find work.

The issue isn’t “what do I want to do” but “what goods or services are needed that people are willing to pay for“?   As a culture, we have forgotten that the primary purpose of a career is to provide financially for ourselves and our family.  This is accomplished by providing a service (either customers or an employer) that someone needs and is willing to pay for — and obviously, that we are qualified to provide.

There are thousands of people who right now aren’t working in their primary career field.  They aren’t doing what they went to college to study.  But they have their current job because “it pays the bills”.  This is a reality that many young people don’t fully understand  (or haven’t until recently).

So, the point is:  young people today need to focus more on learning about the world of work, and less on what they are interested in doing.  (Hopefully, they will find a career path that meets this desire, but it is the secondary issue.)  They need to find out “what is out there” — what jobs and careers exist, what do you really do in them, and what the current and future needs are.

To press the point further, it isn’t that helpful to know that you are good with numbers, like animals, are introverted, and have the resources to go to college if you don’t know what career paths match these characteristics, what course of study is needed, and what the needs are for the future.

So how does a student learn about the world of work? Being blunt — by working.  Not by taking “Introduction to [Psychology, Veterinary Science, Computer Science, Elementary Education, insert your area of interest here]”.  Not by going to a lot of fun camps.  Not by playing sports all summer, every summer from junior high through high school.   I have written previously on the importance of work experience for college graduates seeking employment.  And after my presentation this past week, I had a large number of business owners and managers approach me, saying, “That part about students needing to work — I couldn’t agree with you more.  Keep saying it.”

There are lots of opportunities for students to learn about the world of work:  part-time jobs, summer jobs, shadowing, interviewing professionals, talking to college professors in your area of interest, talking to older friends (say, friends of your older sibling) about their experiences, and volunteering.

Generally speaking, I think parents should focus less on SAT & ACT prep courses (although they can make a big difference in scholarship awards) and more on their students getting some work experience.  Getting into the college of your choice doesn’t matter much if you don’t have a clue what you are going to study.  After all, we do know what academic success predicts, don’t we?  Academic success at the next level.  Academic success, in itself, has little predictive validity for career success. (There are a lot of successful students who don’t learn the skills necessary to succeed in the world of work — a topic for another entry sometime.)

Why am I “hammering” this issue of work so hard?  Because I am seeing lots and lots of young adults who were great kids and teens, who did well in school, had fun in high school (and college), who didn’t work much — and who are virtually lost in their career direction because they don’t know what is “out there” in the world of work, and they don’t know how to find out.

Hopefully, my message will help you and your student avoid this unpleasant pathway.  If I can be of help, let me know.  I am doing more and more career coaching for young adults to help them find out what is “out there” and develop a plan to figure out their career path (many of these are long distance, by telephone or video conference.)

Have a good week!

Most of the work I do is with families — family-owned businesses, families who work together, families who have sold businesses and now manage the resulting assets together, and just plain families.  And in my everyday life I have the opportunity to interact with and observe families of all configurations.  Add my own personal life, of being a son, and the father of four adult children, and I have a fair amount of data to draw from.

Fathers and sons are interesting in how they relate.  Dads, especially when they are younger and are raising young children, seem to focus largely on providing for their families (a home in a safe environment, good schooling opportunities, and other life experiences which they value) and on character development.  Dads (and moms) tend to what to make sure their children are obedient, not whiners, tell the truth, are hard workers, and become responsible for themselves as they grow older.

When sons become older teens and young adults, the dynamic changes.  Since dads want their sons to become independent young adults (and the sons want this, too!), a tension is created — how to continue to give input and guidance into their sons’ lives while also respecting their independence and individuality.  And this is often a difficult balance to maintain.  I have seen men who totally “back off” out of their sons’ lives to the point that their sons have felt almost abandoned.  That usually wasn’t the father’s intent; they just didn’t want to be overly controlling with their sons.  But sometimes the sons would like more input from their dads (when they ask for it) and can get frustrated of not really being able to learn from their dad’s experience. (This sometimes happens when the father had an overly controlling father themselves and they don’t want to repeat the pattern with their children.)

An interesting fact to remember is that guys tend to build relationships by doing something together.   That is why they get together to watch sports (or go to sporting events together) and the variety of things that guys do — hunt, fish, shoot hoops, play video games, work on cars, go biking, work on a remodeling project together, and so forth.  Guys tend to talk while doing something else — as opposed to most women, who value getting together just to talk.

So a challenge for dads and their sons, as both get older and their lives become separate, is finding activities they still can (or want to) do together.  And this can be especially challenging if the father and son work together (because the son usually doesn’t want to “hang out” with dad after work.)

My relationship with my dad was largely built around working on projects together, especially on Saturday mornings.  I learned a lot of practical skills but it was also challenging because my mechanical skills are virtually negative, while my dad was a self-taught mechanical engineer and designer.   Since his death fourteen years ago, I have frequently missed the opportunity to call him up and ask his advice on various home projects or repairs I had to do.

Largely from his modeling, much of my time with my sons was also on working projects.  Ask my guys about “Saturday mornings” when they were growing up, and you may hear moans, see their eyes roll, and one of them will launch into what a slave driver I was (which is probably partially true).  I also enjoyed playing basketball, football or soccer with them, and going to their practices and games.  We still enjoy watching some sports together.

The difficulty with this approach is that it can become largely task-focused (getting the job done) or the sporting event doesn’t really allow for much significant conversation to occur.  Finding time to talk about important topics in life is still an area I find difficult.   Probably the most significant discussions occur when my kids come home for dinner and we have some to time to discuss deeper issues during and after the meal.

A key point (and one made by many authors of parenting books) is that sons (and daughters, too) really are looking for affirmation from their dads.  Kids (regardless of their age) want to know that their dad likes them — that he loves them, accepts them, and is proud of who they are becoming.

Most of us dads (myself included) are pretty lousy at communicating acceptance and affirmation of our kids.  We are so anxious about them “turning out bad” that we are constantly prodding them, pushing them, correcting them, and encouraging them to learn to make good choices, that the message our children receive is one of conditional acceptance.  I know this either is or has been an issue in my relationship with each of my children.  I personally find the tension of helping them develop the character qualities that are important to me, while at the same time demonstrating love, affection, affirmation and acceptance to be a difficult line to walk.

I am open to hearing your thoughts and input on building healthy relationships with sons, as you both move forward in your walks toward maturity.

This week my wife and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.  Neither she nor I can believe we have been married that long — part of it is that we just don’t feel that “old”! (To keep the edge of reality a bit less sharp, we usually comment that we were only 12 when we got married.)

But as we have shared about our milestone with others, we have been asked quite a few times:  “What are the ’secrets’ to being married that long?”  I started to reflect on the question and came up with a few thoughts in response that I thought I would share.

• Marry the right person.  This may sound strange — and doesn’t really help those who are already married –but marrying a person who has the foundational character qualities that are needed for maintaining a long term relationship is key.  Two come to mind (there are many, obviously) — 1) avoid someone who is easily offended and 2) a person who holds grudges.  Both make it really difficult to forgive.  The first (being easily offended) means the person is going to have to forgive you a lot over the future decades.  And the second (holding grudges) means that they have a hard time “letting go” of offenses, which undermines the ability to maintain a close long term relationship. Most of us are blinded by infatuation and physical attraction when we are looking for someone to marry.  Some of us are (or were) just young and clueless.  So finding the right person under those circumstances is largely due to God’s grace in our lives.  But if you are still looking for a spouse, be sure and look for the true qualities you desire. (On the other hand, don’t be looking for Prince Charming or ‘The Perfect Woman’ — they don’t exist in reality.)

• Both individuals need to become good at forgiving.  Throughout the months, years and decades of your marriage, you will screw up a lot; and your spouse will make a lot of mistakes, so it is critical for both parties to be able and willing to forgive one another.  I truly don’t know of any other way to make a long term relationship work — practicing forgiveness is key.  There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness — that you have to ‘forget’ what happened to be able to forgive; that forgiveness means what happened really didn’t matter or hurt; or that what the person did ‘wasn’t that big of a deal’ — none of which are true.  Forgiveness is essentially “letting go” and not holding the offense against the person any longer.  Easy to say, but a process which can take a long time to enact. [A great book on this issue is The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes.]
• Learn (and then practice) the ways that your spouse experiences being loved.  For a long time (I mean 25 years or so) Kathy and I struggled.  She was frustrated with me, not feeling like I cared for or about her.  And I didn’t feel like she appreciated me.  Then we read Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, and began to understand that each of us experiences being loved differently.  Kathy’s ‘love language’ is having focused attention and quality time; mine is verbal praise.  Once we understood our differences, and have worked at loving each other in the languages important to us (it has taken me longer than Kathy), then our frustrations have diminished.  Although the concepts of this book are pretty simple and not ‘magic’, they helped us get over a barrier in our relationship.
• Work on your relationship.  “Working on your relationship”, to me, means — make your marriage a priority.  You have to spend time, invest mental and emotional energy, be willing to spend money on your relationship — and say “no” to other things (hobbies, work, other relationships, leisure activities, activities with or for the kids).  Although I rarely looked forward to a marriage seminar or retreat (being honest), I almost always felt like there was significant benefit from going.  And I get tired of reading books on marriage, but I continue to glean helpful concepts and hints to make me a better husband.  Anything that you want to be of good quality takes time and effort.
• Be committed to stay married even when it’s tough and you don’t like your spouse.  Sometimes I feel ‘commitment’ is overly emphasized in weddings and advice to young couples — to the point that it seems that the only thing needed to stay married is commitment (which I don’t believe is true).  But, if you ask most couples who have been married a long time, the rock bottom foundation of being committed to staying married, no matter how tough it gets, has been true for them.  And it is true for us.  We have had times where it seemed it would have been easier (and less painful) to just call it quits.  And there were times where we really didn’t like each other much, and didn’t enjoy our relationship.  But we were committed to make it work, and to this point we have been able to do so. [An ASIDE:  I clearly believe that there are circumstances when it probably doesn’t make sense and can be dangerous to stay in a relationship — when there is drug or alcohol abuse, or anger and abuse issues.  Being committed doesn’t mean you should be foolish.]
• Give up trying to change your spouse (the “if only …” game).  Part of the ability to keep together (and get past those really tough times) comes with the true acceptance of the other person for who they are.  And even if it would be good for them to change for certain habits or to “grow” in character (patience, perseverance, follow-through, impulse control, you name it) — accepting that they may never change reduces a lot of conflict.  And yes, life would be better “if only …”, but “if only …” may not happen and you certainly aren’t going to make it happen in their life for them.  So accept the reality that your spouse is a flawed individual and that it would be helpful if you learn to live with them the way they are.
• Miscellaneous parting thoughts.   There are lots more principles — that is why there are so many books on marriage.  But I want to get on with my day, so let me just finish with some additional short comments.

1. Be thankful — for your life, for your spouse, for your family.
   
2. Learn to enjoy activities that you can do together.  Do things with your spouse that they enjoy — go along with them just because they like it.
3. Live within your means.  Financial stress from overextending your lifestyle creates additional unnecessary stress that can undermine your relationship.
4. Realize life is hard.  Enjoy the good times and persevere through the difficult ones.

Have a great week.  And if you are fortunate enough to be married — give your spouse a big hug and kiss sometime today.

When I talk to parents, either in family meetings, counseling sessions, or lectures, I always describe one of the main goals of parenting is: “to raise independent functional adults”.  First, you try to keep them alive so that they will at least become an adult (e.g. avoiding fatal car accidents as teens).  Secondly, you want them to move toward independence, versus being eternally dependent on you.  And finally, you want them to be”functional” in terms of having the character qualities necessary to function in the world (learning lessons like: work comes before play; there is a relationship between responsibility and privilege; life is made of choices, with accompanying results; there are limited resources in life [time,money, energy] so you have to prioritize — “You can’t do everything.”)

As parents, there are milestones along the way that show that your kids are on the right path (graduating from high school, getting a job and paying for some of their expenses, living away from home after college).  And there are “ditches” to avoid as well — drug and alcohol addiction, serious credit card debt, inability to hold down a job over time.

Ultimately, when do you claim “victory!” as a parent?  When can you say, “I think we were pretty successful as parents”?  Being somewhat hard-nosed, but also truthful, I don’t think we really know how we did as parents until our grandchildren are young adults and displaying the characteristics we value.  That is a long time off, but just like many other areas of life, I don’t think true success can be claimed until the first generation results are replicated.

Nonetheless, I think there are times (and this is one for us), where you can at least stop, take a breath, and claim temporary victory.

My wife, Kathy, and I are in the midst of a significant life transition. For the first time in 26 years and 3 months, we don’t have any of our children living at home.  Our oldest two (twin sons, Daniel & Nathan) have both graduated from college and have been out own their own for a few years.  One is a chaplain in the Army and being deployed to Iraq in a few weeks (for 12 months).  One is involved in international medical relief work and currently is in Liberia (for just a short time).  Our third son, Joel, graduated with a degree in mechanical engineering in May and is going back for a masters degree in biomedical engineering (with a full ride scholarship and teaching assistantship position.)  And our daughter, Elizabeth, just moved into her dorm room at college, after graduating from high school this spring.

Are we proud?  Absolutely.  Is the role of parenting over and we can claim complete success?  Definitely not.  But you have to stop at some points in life and rejoice in the progress made so far.

But with the pride also comes pain.  Being successful as parents, raising “independent functional adults” (plus some other character qualities, also involves a fair amount of loss.  Let me outline some of the losses we are experiencing:

• Loss of communication. When kids move away, they aren’t there for dinner anymore (not as often, at least).  You don’t see them before they go to school, or when they come home in the evenings.  The opportunity for daily life small interactions diminishes significantly.
• Loss of connectivity.  Once they are out of the home (and gradually before then) they are living their own lives.  They have their own activities (which you generally don’t attend like you did their soccer games or school concerts).  They get to know lots of people you don’t know.  Your lives become more separate and less connected (which is good and necessary, but still hurts sometimes.)
• Loss of being needed on a daily basis.  Many parents are actively involved in their children’s lives daily for years and decades.  Moms who have the privilege of being at home with the children before the school years are especially attuned to this issue.  At different stages in life, this issue becomes more poignant — when your oldest goes to their first day of school; when each child leaves to go to college; and when your youngest moves out.
• Loss of role and identity.  Closely related to the “not being needed on a daily basis” issue, is the loss of role and identity which can also occur.  Some of us, as parents, seeing being a parent as one our primary roles and callings in life.  When the more active stage of in-home parenting is over, the question: “What do I do with my time and energy now?” can come to the forefront.
• Loss of togetherness.  As your children get older, it is tougher to get time together as a total family.  We have experienced this (this last week five of us got together for a family vacation, but Daniel couldn’t make it since he is in Liberia), but have been able to have brief flecks of time all together.  Family gatherings without everyone there is bittersweet — you enjoy the time with whoever can make it, but you also have a sense of lack of completeness when one or more are missing.

When we talk with friends whose children are younger than ours, they often say:  “I don’t know if I will be able to survive that.”  But, like lots of life, you somehow get ready for the next stage by the time you get there.  The transitions are tough, and painful (for us, at least).  But the accompanying pride, joy of seeing your children “fly” on their own, and the wonder about the opportunities before you dampen the pain somewhat.

We’ll see what’s next!

Part of my job as a psychologist is to observe — observe patterns of behavior, be attune to my own thoughts and feelings, and to derive some potentially helpful information form patterns I see. In recent months and weeks, I have observed some factors in life that really wear people down — they are not really hidden but are often subtle. Sometimes they are obvious and plain, but people (both the person experiencing the aspect of life as well as those around them) tend to minimize the impact of the issue on their life.

So let me share some of my observations (remember, psychologists are often ‘masters of the obvious’!)

• Health issues and Chronic pain. Individuals who struggle with chronic pain are well aware of how even persistent low levels of pain can wear a person down. But those of us who are blessed not to have this struggle can experience this intermittently. Not too long ago my right ankle started bothering me — it was sore and swollen after I ran (using the term “run” loosely). I ignored it for a while but it persisted, so I finally decided to go have it checked out. After seeing my doc and then getting some tests, it turns out I have partially torn a tendon in my ankle. What has amazed me, however, is how this small injury and relatively mild level of pain can take a toll of my energy.
• Financial stress. Obviously, many in our country are experiencing significant stress in their lives due to a number of economic factors — loss of their job, reduction of hours and pay, foreclosure on their home. And the impact of these events on people’s lives is huge. But many, many other Americans are experiencing a lower level of financial stress that is more under the surface — wondering if they will continue to have a job in the coming months; lower cash flow that leads to deficiencies in their plans to pay for childcare, private school or college; or the family budget just being tighter on a month to month basis.
• Loneliness or Lack of Emotional Support. A chronic complaint I hear from many people is that they don’t feel connected to anyone. Yes, they may be married and have children — and they may even have a decent marriage relationship. But most people need more than one person with whom to connect, feel cared for, and have a sense of community. Teenagers, single young adults, stay-at-home moms with preschoolers, successful business people, older adults — all talk to me about their frustration in building meaningful, lasting relationships with others in their lives.
• Significant Life Changes. Late summer is one of the most transient times of the year — children are going to new schools, young adults are entering or returning to college, individuals who work in educational settings are staring new positions, graduates from last spring are still to figure out where they are going to work and live. Parents of college freshman may experience sending their first child to college — or their last (our situation) and looking at the issues related to being “empty- nesters”. Life change can be stimulating and exciting, and at the same time anxiety-producing.
• Relational Conflicts. All of us who have experienced (or are experiencing) relational stress understand both the emotional and physical toll living in conflictual relationships take. Physical symptoms can include sleep disturbance, headaches, fatigue, upset stomach, or back and shoulder tension. Recently, I had a professional relationship that created tension and turmoil in my life — and it just wore me out. It wasn’t even a major conflict, but an issue that took a while to address, and I could sense its impact on me daily.
• Lack of Purpose or Direction. When people don’t know “where they are going”, or if they don’t see a larger purpose for their life and what they are doing, not only can they become discouraged, but they also seem to become fatigued emotionally. They just drag throughout the day, and run out of energy doing regular daily life tasks. Seeing how today relates to the “big picture” of life seems to be important.

So what should we do with these non-surprising observations? I think there are at least two practical action steps that flow from the points.

First, take a self-inventory. How many of these factors are in your life currently? Does their presence help make some sense of your recent lack of energy and tiredness? If so, acknowledge these stressors present in your life. Give yourself some slack. Regroup and assess what steps you need to take to either address the stressors or to manage your life better while they are present.

Secondly, be aware of those around you. See if the people in your life (family members, friends, co-workers, classmates) have these issues going on in their lives. Be gracious and supportive to them. Be a friend. Be patient with them if they aren’t “performing” up to their normal functioning (whether it’s at home, work or elsewhere).

Life is tough; sometimes more than other times. Hang in there. We are all in this together (we really are). If you are doing ok, help somebody else out.  It will be your turn eventually.