This weekend I had the opportunity to speak at a conference for major donors of a charitable organization. It was a beautiful setting in Southern California, and my wife accompanied me, which was a treat.

The other keynote presenter was Carlos Sepulveda, who is the CEO of Interstate Batteries, and a dynamic presenter. In addition to his presentation, Mr. Sepulveda had a follow-up question and answer session in which he expanded upon the concepts he shared. I thought I would share some of his thoughts which were thought provoking to me:

• “There is no such thing as business ethics.” He did not mean this in terms of an oxymoron. Rather, Mr. Sepulveda’s point was that there really is no division between public and private behavior – choices and decisions are made by individuals, whether or not the context is in the home, community or workplace. As Carlos stated directly, “Truth cannot be compartmentalized.” Unfortunately, we have seen this issue (behavior and choices matter, regardless of the context) impact our lives and news repeatedly (Enron, sexual misconduct by business and government leaders, business policies driven by greed).
• “Successful people absorb in early in life what reality is, and they spend the rest of their lives making and managing decisions made in reality.” Mr. Sepulveda shared some about his early life’s history, which was rocky, and the resulting lessons he learned. He affirmed straightforwardly, “You will never be any more successful than your understanding of reality” and that this is true in one’s personal life as well as in business.
• Regarding businesses delivering value, he stated that “competence delivers value.” He stated that the way to increase competence is through a combination of “ability + technique + effort”. He reported that our culture is always trying to “get around” work, but that ultimately work is good, brings value to our lives, and the means by which goals are reached.
• The definition of the role of a CEO, according to Mr. Sepulveda, is encapsulated in the initials “CEO”. The primary responsibilities of a CEO are to: 1. Organize (goals and resources); 2. Encourage others – to always be coaching those around you; and 3. Confront – to confront actions, beliefs and policies that don’t match reality, and to confront the gap between promised results and what is actually delivered. In a follow-up discussion, he indicated he tries to accept bad news well (that is, not “blow up”) but he asks the question: “How did it happen?”
• There are two primary activities that make up life – resource allocation (time, our “brain”, talents, financial resources) and conflict resolution. We are constantly making choices about how to use our time, talents, money, etc. and this is the daily activities of our lives. But because we live in relationship with others, and we all have our unique perspectives, values and priorities, this leads to conflicts over how resources should be allocated. And so the second most frequent activity we engaged in is managing these conflicts over the use of our resources.

I found Mr. Sepulveda an extremely engaging speaker, a thoughtful leader, and one who clearly caused me to repeatedly ask myself: “Really?” “Is that true?” He brings a unique perspective to leadership and daily life. If you ever have the chance to hear him speak, I would encourage you to choose to do so.

Business Success, Conflict, Conflict resolution, Executive performance, Leadership, Management, work

This past week the business editor of my local newspaper called and asked me to write a column for business leaders regarding the current financial turmoil.  The following is the article I wrote, and which can also be viewed at the newspaper’s website.

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Few current business leaders have had to navigate the turbulent waters of economic difficulties that we find ourselves in today. But we can learn from those who have studied accomplished leaders and identified characteristics of successful companies that have weathered difficult times.

Richard Peterson, who researches the neurological responses associated with financial decisions, says there is a difference between fear and panic. Fear is largely anticipatory — assessing potential risks. Panic is characterized by an urgent pressure to act immediately. In fact, Peterson clearly reports: “It takes tremendous effort and fortitude to ‘keep one’s cool’ when frightened.” Panic then can lead to poor decision-making.

Jim Collins, in his classic study “Good to Great,” proposes that one key characteristic of leaders of successful companies is the ability to confront the brutal facts yet never lose faith. He states, “You must maintain unwavering faith that you can and will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time have the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

In his best-selling book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” Stephen Covey identifies being proactive as the first core principle for successful individuals and business leaders. In difficult circumstances, he encourages leaders to ask: “What is our response? What are we going to do? How can we exercise initiative in this situation?”

Daniel Goleman, one of the foremost researchers of emotional intelligence, proposes that optimism is a core characteristic of successful leaders. Effective leaders “persist in seeking goals despite obstacles and setbacks,” and they “operate from hope of success rather than fear of failure.”

So how do effective leaders respond in times of uncertainty and fear?

• Assess the potential risks.  The critical factor is to try to accurately assess the reality of the risks. It is crucial to differentiate between facts (what do we really know) versus conjecture (what might happen). What are the risks posed to your organization? To the best of your ability, determine how reality-based the risks are.

Consider constructing an “if-then” decision-making tree regarding the risks you see. Arrange the options from “best case scenario” to “worst case scenario” (the likelihood of both extremes is usually small), with the scope of possible outcomes in between. Then try to identify the results that have a higher probability of occurring and what impact they could have on your organization.

• Determine strategies and actions that can manage the risks.   Individuals who focus on fear tend to stop at risk assessment. Leaders who are proactive seek to actively manage the situation and move to determining what steps can be taken to minimize the risk. “What can be done to minimize the probability of ‘x’ happening?” “If ‘x’ does happen, what can we do now to limit its negative impact on our company?”

• Look for potential opportunities.  In addition to assessing potential risks to the organization, successful leaders also scour the marketplace for potential opportunities to capture. Your key competitors may have difficulties because of cash flow issues or not be able to access credit needed to finish projects. There may be assets (property, machinery, inventory) that can be purchased at a steep discount for cash.

• Communicate proactively.  Lack of information increases anxiety. So take initiative to talk with your leadership team; let them know your thoughts and listen to their concerns. Communicate with your customers and your vendors; find out how current circumstances may affect them.

• Model courage and optimism.  A “we will figure this out” attitude is contagious. These are difficult times. But the opportunity exists to step up to the challenges we face by demonstrating courage and resiliency.

I want to write about some things I have been learning about “marketing” but I don’t know how to frame the issue and information in a way that doesn’t turn people off.  That, historically, has been my reaction to “marketing” — makes me think of either high-dollar, high-glitz Madison avenue advertising campaigns or a slick (possibly slimey), fast-talking guy who gives you tips on how to sell people services or goods they don’t need and don’t really want.  (My apologies to my marketing consultants who are wonderful, warm people that don’t come anywhere near close to this description.)

But this weekend I read an article about the intersection of marketing and living in community — a viewpoint  which struck me as quite unique.  Dr. Bruce Howard is a professor of business and economics at Wheaton College (my alma mater) and he shares the following thoughts:

“In graduate school, I was surprised by the first course I ever took in marketing.  Like most people, I thought it would be about sales and advertising and learning how to convince people to buy your products.  I could not have been more wrong.  It turned out to be mostly about the practical arts of building community.  I was expecting a perspetive that was primarily individualistic and self-centered, but learned that true marketing always takes the spotlight off me and focuses it on others.”

Dr. Howard then cites Theodore Leavitt’s article, Marketing Myopia, from the Harvard Business Review in 1960 (yes, that date is correct), where Levitt states that business “is a customer-satisfying process, not a goods-producing process.”

This actually cross-sects with Michael Gerber’s statements on marketing in his best-selling The E Myth Revisited (the “e myth” is that most businesses are started by entrepreneurs; in fact, most businesses are started by technicians and service providers who think they can “do better”).

Gerber emphasizes two key aspects to marketing:  1) know who your customers (or potential customers) are (demographics);  and 2) know why they decide to buy (what he calls psychographics).  He restates the classic line, “Find a need and fill it” to “Find a perceived need and fill it.”  Gerber then argues that, for companies to be successful in marketing their products, companies must gather information about who their customers are and how they think about things.

He gets a bit intense when he states, “[I]t is absolutely imperative that you forget about your dreams, forget about your visions, forget about your interests, forget about what you want –forget about everything but your customer! When it comes to marketing, what you want is unimportant.  It’s what your customer wants that matters.  And what your customer wants is probably significantly different from what you think he wants.”

Now, back to Dr. Howard with his thoughts about marketing and living in community.  He states:

“I … discovered that building the business enterprise is about creating a community that is linked with other communities for the purposes of enhancing mutual welfare.  When people join a business, they don’t just want a job .. they want to be part of something greater than themselves.  They want to be part of a community.”

He then asks a key question:  “If business is supposed to be so community friendly, why does it feel so highly individualistic?”

He then discusses the current values driving much of the Western world’s marketplace — what is best for me (individually)? What costs the least for me (individually)?  Dr. Howard then argues that effective enterprises must also be intentional about the values they bring to the marketplace, including the value of community.
It reminds me of social entreprenuership — developing businesses that also have a positive social impact as part of their mission (for some great information on social entrepreneurship, go to www.socialimpact.com).

Part of my interest in “marketing” is how I see it all around us, in almost every sphere of life.

• The political process and all of the media communication surrounding Obama, McCain, et al.
• The bombardment of advertisements in virtually every “screen” media — the Internet, watching a movie, television, email.
• In people making daily life decisions — about cars, about food to eat, where to eat out, what movie to see, where to go to college, clothes to wear, where to go for professional services.

Secondly, I recently had an article in my community’s newspaper about a service I provide (a non-medication intervention for individuals with ADHD), and I was amazed at the amount of communication that resulted from this one “blip” on the marketing / information scene.  The story about a teenage girl who was significantly helped in her life by this approach seemed to touch people and they responded.

I guess I have a number of threads that are starting to come together in my mind (and don’t seem to be especially well-articulated yet!).  Marketing seems to be largely about the same things relationships are built on:  clear communication, understanding the other person and their point of view, trust in communication, providing accurate information, responding appropriately.  Maybe that is why, as I am coming to understand what marketing is, it intrigues me.

It seems to be appropriate week to write about women and the family business, given the high profile of women in politics this past week (Hillary Rodham Clinton’s eloquent speech at the Democratic National Convention, and the selection of Governor Sarah Palin as the Republican vice presidential candidate).

Six female authors have recently published A Women’s Place . . . The Crucial Roles of Women in Family Business. Five of the authors are directly involved in family-owned businesses and all of them are consultants with The Family Business Consulting Group, Inc. In the introduction, they indicate the book is not only for women in business, but for family businesses in general (many of whom may need to rethink their positions on women in the business), and for family business advisors.

In one of the first chapters of the book, they list a variety of roles women typically embrace in business-related families. The list, in and of itself, is insightful and causes pause for reflection on the variety of roles women hold (like men, many are held simultaneously):

Business Founder. Financier. Owner / Shareholder. Co-president. Emergency leader. Back room support. Innovator. Advisor and confidante. Nurturer of the next generation of leaders. Family business board member. Board Chair. A groomed CEO or senior executive. Family leader. Family foundation leader. Individual philanthropist. Ambassador. Employee. Mentor. Family historian. Steward.

As consultants, the authors share some themes they are seeing among family-owned businesses:

• More and more women are working in their families’ businesses
• Women seem to have more work experience before they have children
• Given increasing longevity, there are more work-related years available after children are raised.
• There are more daughters partnering with their fathers and mothers in business.
• The movement toward more service economy businesses appears to make business more amenable to women.

The authors suggest a number of steps to family businesses for helping young women prepare for significant roles in their family’s business. I found a number of them to be wise words to heed:

a) Start early. Regardless of gender, family members need to be exposed to the real workings of the family business early in life, and in multiple ways across the years.

b) Don’t leave the girls out. Think about it. If a family business disqualifies women from leadership, they may be reducing 50% (or more, depending on the family makeup) of potential future family leaders.

c) Avoid creating an environment where are the role models are male. Great point – if all the mentors are male, it makes visualizing oneself in and identifying with the role model more difficult.

I have been fortunate to work with a number of women in family businesses, and like the list above, they serve in a variety of roles:

*owner and CEO of a manufacturing business
*co-founder and principal researcher in a high tech firm
*VP of marketing and business partner with their spouse
*business owner of a professional services firm
*co-chair and leader of the family foundation
*individual philanthropist and change agent
*Board officer and confidante
*mentor to other women in philanthropy
*family leader.

One theme I have observed in this collective group of female leaders is the inner strength that each of them has. Having been raised in a more traditional Midwestern family, in which the business side of the family was patriarchal, it has been an interesting experience for me to see how women often lead very differently from the traditional male entrepreneurial stereotype – and how effective their leadership is.

I am looking forward to learning more as I complete A Woman’s Place . . . , (there is an chapter on Work/Life Balance that looks interesting) but even more so, I am eager to learn how to lead (if it is possible for a guy) like many of the woman I see – effectively, decisively, but with more attention and focus on the human side of business.

Endurance. Perseverance. Persistence. Patience. They are words I hear a lot when individuals who are successful in their field describe how or why they succeeded.

And yet perseverance is not a word nor a concept that we are especially drawn to. It is almost one of those characteristics that we look back on and view positively, but not one that leadership speakers frequently preach to us.

The definition is interesting to me.

“Perseverance: Steady persistence in adhering to a course of action, a belief, or a purpose; steadfastness.” Perseverance is not just blind repetitive action — doing the same thing over and over. It is tied directly to a goal, belief or purpose. We persist because we believe it is the right thing to do, or because we hope persevering will help us attain the goal we desire.

As Henry Ward Beecher differentiated, “The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t.” In other words, perseverance is goal directed and a positive attempt to achieve.

Another aspect of perseverance is that it is “daily”. Persisting on a task is not flashy nor exciting. It is both the action and result of doing the daily grind — whether that is getting up and exercising; the everyday housework tasks of laundry, dishes, cleaning up, and keeping the house running; or those tasks that make up your “job”. It is doing those daily menial tasks that make the difference between getting the job done and just thinking about it.

Dale Carnegie spoke to this aspect of perseverance:

“Don’t be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.”

Besides being goal-directed and daily, perseverance also relates to challenges and difficulties encountered. We don’t usually recount: “Yea, I persevered through the flat terrain; the cool, dry but sunny weather; and the course that was on a really smooth track.” No, perseverance has to do with persisting and enduring through difficulties. Those difficulties may be external obstacles, they may be unrealized dreams (that is, you did x, y and z and you still haven’t reached your goal), or they may be the result of weaknesses you personally have or in your plan.

Ralph Waldo Emerson proclaimed:

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.”

I think is it is interesting (and important) to look at the opposite side — what does “not persevering” look like? Giving up. Becoming weary. Losing heart. Not continuing. And sometimes — complaining, blaming, and making excuses.

I just read a fascinating book this week, recommended by my father-in-law, The War Journal of Major Damon “Rocky” Gause, about a soldier who escaped from the Japanese in the Philippines and through perseverance, luck, the help of others, and the grace of God sailed with one other companion all the way to Austrailia. What impressed me from his story was he just kept going — problem-solving, waiting when necessary, and never giving up on his goal. Never in his journal did I pick up a tone of fatalism, blaming others or making excuses for the numerous bad circumstances he encountered.

So what does this all mean to us?

First, I think a fact of life that helps us persist through difficulties is to accept that there will be difficulties. Things will go wrong. We will experience obstacles and roadblocks. Some people will be against us. Okay. So … let’s keep going.

Secondly, it seems that persevering is easier when accompanied by others — but the “right” others. Stay away from complainers. Don’t hang out with those who consistently blame others or make excuses for repeatedly not reaching their goals. They will only become weights around your neck. Conversely, find others who are like-minded, who have similar passions and goals, and who already demonstrate the daily discipline of persisting. These are the people you want on your team.

And, maybe there are a couple of other things. Re-evaluate your goals — do you really want to reach them? Re-assess your plan — is it realistic? And read about others who have persevered through great difficulties to reach their goals as an encouragement for you to hang in there.

Have a great week — and hang in there!

I have observed a common pattern across many areas that I work (and live) — people avoiding dealing with tense or conflictual situations in their relationships with others. And almost always, not dealing with the situation creates additional problems or makes the conflict larger and more intense (often involving more people than were originally involved).

And it happens it lots of settings:

• in family businesses, between family members working together
• in office settings, between coworkers who can’t get a long
• in marriages, between spouses
• in extended families, between parents-in-law and their children’s spouse
• in schools, between teachers and parents of the students
• in wealthy families, between siblings who are inheriting wealth
• and on and on.

Now, I am not going to try to address all the issues relevant to conflict in relationships, that would require a book (or two). But let’s look at some core concepts.

First, why do people often try to avoid conflict? I think there are lots of potential reasons, but let’s identify a few.

1. Many people do not like emotionally-charged situations, and they feel if they raise the issue underlying the conflict, emotions will get out of control.
2. Most people don’t like others to act or communicate in an angry way towards them, and will almost anything to avoid this type of interchange.
3. Some individuals believe that, in conflict, someone must either “be wrong” or have done something wrong, and they don’t want to be accused of this.
4. Most of us, when we have done something wrong, don’t like admitting it or apologizing for our error.

The problem is — not dealing with conflict in a situation doesn’t make it go away. In fact, frequently, things get worse. When there is tension between two people, or when there is a relational break (that is, the two people are not communicating much at all, if any) — not dealing with the issue creates additional problems, including:

• Others notice the tension and it makes them feel uncomfortable.
• Communication between the two individuals becomes minimal and ineffective.
• Other people get pulled into the conflict, and often begin to “take sides”.
• The people involved in the conflict experience a lot more emotional tension in their lives, with their emotions “building up”, and often spilling over into other areas of their lives.
• The relationship becomes more and more distant, sometimes to the point of total cut-off between the two parties.

Now, I am not suggesting, that if you are in the midst of a conflict in one of your relationships, you should run out and “deal with it”. Why? Because most people who have the habit of avoiding conflict don’t have very good success at resolving conflictual situations on their own — they don’t haven’t been practicing how to deal with conflict in their daily lives (we all have it, you know), they have misbeliefs about what should be done (”we just need to sit down and talk it out”), and they may not have the skills to deal with the situation effectively.

So what should you do?

First, take stock of your relationships and see if there are any that currently have significant tension or conflict that is getting in the way. Admit to yourself that there is a relationship that needs attention.

Second, observe how the tension in your relationship is affecting your life and those around you. For you to seriously consider dealing with the situation, you are probably going to need to be convinced that the conflict is creating problems in your life. You may want to ask those close to you in the situation (coworkers, family members) how the tension affects them (don’t ask it in a way where you are looking for support for your position in the conflict).

If possible, seek some help from someone who can help you deal with the conflict in the relationship in a positive way. Get some counsel from someone you admire and observe that they seem to be able to address relational tensions in their lives in a healthy way. Sometimes it may be beneficial to talk to a professional counselor, business coach, or facilitator — to help you and the other person meet together to resolve the issues creating the conflict.

Do some reading that can help you grow in dealing with conflicts in your life. Whatever the conflict you are currently experiencing, if you are a habitual “conflict avoider”, be assured this will not be the last difficult relational situation you have to deal with — there will be more. So it would be wise to start to grow in your ability to deal with tensions in relationships in a healthy way. There is a great book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most that a number of my clients have found to be quite helpful in guiding them through tough conversations they needed to have with someone in their life. Additionally, Lewis Smedes has written an excellent book, The Art of Forgiving, that is also extremely helpful.

I have conflict in relationships in my life (just ask those close to me), and I am still learning how to deal with those tensions in a healthier manner — I think we all can. Let’s just commit together to not let tensions in relationships fester to the point where they poison our lives — it will make all of our lives healthier.

When I meet with business owners and managers, I often ask them what characteristics they look for in younger managers they are interviewing for positions. Frequently, one quality mentioned is the desire and willingness to learn.

Recently, I have had some amazing discussions with gentlemen (I use the word with its specific meaning in mind) who are older than I am (late 50’s, early 60’s to mid 70’s) who have been successful in many areas of their lives – in business or their profession, in managing their money wisely, having healthy family relationships, and a depth of spirituality.

My interactions with these individuals had a very distinct quality to them. Although highly successful themselves, they seemed keenly interested in learning from others. In the discussions I observed, they asked questions, listened, and delved deeper with follow-up questions. They appeared to have a true interest in the lives of those with whom they were conversing. And they were equally excited to share about what they were learning currently in their lives — not what they knew nor the successes they had previously experienced. Rather, they were discussing their current challenges, the mistakes they had recently made and what they were trying to learn from them.

Maybe it is obvious to others (I am often a slow learner), but the individuals from whom I want to learn , whom I want to be like, and desire to model my life after – are learners, life-long learners. They read a fair amount (not all learn via reading, though). They ask insightful questions. Their interactions with others are more focused on learning from those around them (whether they are interacting with “successful” people, young adults, teens, or children) rather than trying to impress others with their own knowledge.

But, unfortunately, in my daily life I meet and interact with a number of individuals who come across — to put it bluntly — proud and self-absorbed. They relate to others in a condescending manner and in a way that communicates they clearly view themselves as a primary source of wisdom for those around them.

I am personally challenged to reflect on my life, attitude, and interactions with others. Am I a learner? Do I approach interactions with the attitude - what can I learn from this person, regardless of their age or stage in life?

And I am reminded of a few sayings and proverbs I have heard, like:

“A person of understanding draws out the deep thoughts of others.”

“Even an idiot appears smart if he (or she) keeps quiet.”

“A person who learns from others who are wise will become wise himself, but if you hang out with idiots – watch out!! – trouble is on its way.”

From whom would you like to learn? Take the initiative and give them a call; set up a lunch or breakfast meeting (and think about some questions ahead of time you would like to ask them.)

I write about the principles of leadership that I either observe in successful business owners and managers, or what I read in books and articles on leadership. So it makes sense that I should try to apply these principles, as well.

Here I am, waiting in an airport, delayed due to weather in Chicago (where I am hoping to go). So I am trying to apply a couple of principles I frequently hear about — be prepared, and be willing to adjust to life’s circumstances.

I have traveled enough over the past several years to know that there is always a fair chance of delays. As a result, I load myself up with materials needed to get tasks done while waiting. Reading materials, paper & pad (for writing, in case I don’t have access to electricity and my battery dies), my laptop, and projects to work on — all are the typical supplies I bring. So right now, I am hooked into the airport computer access system and writing my blog for the week.

Those are my specifics for this week. What are yours? What things are wise or prudent for you to have with you in order to “be prepared”? It could relate to objects you need in your car in case you have a wreck or slide off the road. It could be items that would be good to have with you in case a meeting cancels or the person you are scheduled to have lunch with doesn’t show up.

Now the second principle — being able (and willing) to adjust to life circumstances. Part of this has to do with expectations — I now expect to have delays while flying between 33% to 50% of the time. So I try not to get exceptionally upset or frustrated when it happens. Delays are part of travel in the “hub and spoke” airline system we have.

The other part of adjusting to changes in circumstances is not having a schedule that is inflexible. If you are too tightly scheduled, there is no room for adjustment. And sometimes, your plans just aren’t going to happen as you plan. And I really am talking more broadly than about travel — life’s circumstances affect us when external forces outside of our control impact the economy and our business, when we have a car wreck, when we get sick, and so forth.

In what areas of your life are you too tightly scheduled? Where do you really get irritated or agitated when circumstances don’t go smoothly? For me, it’s often in the smaller spots of life — daily appointments, driving in traffic, not being able to reach people on the phone. For whatever reason, I seem to do better with the bigger events and struggle in the smaller ones. What are the growth areas for you in learning to adjust to changes in your life’s circumstances?

The final principle (the one that I was going to focus on in this entry before my travel delays occurred) is that of learning. A repetitive theme in the literature on leadership is that leaders (and future leaders) are learners. They learn from others. They are observant. They are self-motivated to learn through reading, seminars, and workshops.

One theme I have observed is that individuals who are successful in “life” (that is, in managing their lives personally and professionally) is that they often integrate principles and concepts from divergent areas. It it good to be knowledgeable and competent in your professional area of expertise. But, in many ways, that is baseline — it is expected. Leaders learn from other areas of life and apply those principles to their business or relationships. For example, I remember one author that taught relational leadership behaviors that he learned from his hobby of competitive sailing. Another executive of an organization I know is always asking his friends what they are learning.

I read a lot. And I try to “keep up” in the fields in which I practice — psychology, business succession, wealth transfer, family relationships, and the various struggles individuals and families have. But I find my true value comes when I can bring information from one area to another (e.g. I am finding parallels in the principles in working with family-owned businesses to the area of family foundations, many of the challenges are similar.)

The reason I was planning on writing on this “learning” principle is because I am headed to Chicago for training in a new computer-based program for ADHD individuals that has been shown to have an 80% success rate in helping them with the issues of attention, concentration, distractibility, organizational skills, difficulties learning & retaining information. The research is impressive and I am excited to learn about this program. I’ll let you know what I find out — and how it may relate to some seemingly unrelated area of life.

A fair amount of my time professionally is listening to individuals, families and organizations who are experiencing some challenges that they are trying to manage successfully. They describe to me a variety of problems and are looking for insight on what to do.

The issues range from individual behavior and feelings — anxiety about life, problems with anger management, patterns of communication which are viewed as condescending by others, uncertainty about one’s future career path — to problems solidly planted in the midst of relationships (marital conflict, a teenager or young adult who is demonstrating behavior problems and the parents don’t know what to do, a lack of trust among family members). And the challenges also can be more systemic or organizational — the lack of qualified managers who can “step up” to fill the gap when the current senior leaders retire, or current key employees who do not have the characteristics needed to be successful in their role.

Believe it or not, one of the most frequent questions I am asked is: “Do you think this is really a ‘problem’ or is it normal?” In essence, I am being asked: “Is this a ‘normal’ problem or is this something we should be concerned about?”

For example, parents aren’t sure if their teenager’s behavior is “normal teenage rebellion” or something greater. Or a manager doesn’t know if his direct report’s tendency to irritate his coworkers and those who work for him is “ok” and he should just let it ride, or if he should confront the issue.

Often, I give my clients some guidelines in order to determine if the problem is within the normal range of behavior (note that “normal” behavior includes challenges, weaknesses, and problem behavior) or if the pattern should be viewed more seriously. Here are a few ways to tell.

First, let’s clear the air on one viewpoint. Some people attempt to minimize problems they are having by saying: “There are lots of people who struggle with (xyz). It is not that big of a deal.” This is the adult version of the teenage justification, “Everyone is doing it!” The point trying to be made is that X behavior can’t really be problematic if it occurs frequently. Wrong. Ask the children of alcoholics or parents who are physically abusive (two high frequency behavior patterns). The level of frequency of a problem in a society has no bearing on its impact on individuals.

Ok, so here are the guidelines.

Frequency of the behavior. If a problem behavior (e.g. losing your temper and yelling at others) occurs once every six months, that is less of a concern than if the behavior occurs daily. Generally speaking, the more frequent a problem is demonstrated, the more concern there should be.

Intensity. Similarly, if the intensity of the behavior is fairly mild, this might be considered within the ‘normal’ range. But when the intensity is high, there is more concern. For example, if an employee is occasionally late to work five to ten minutes, that is not as significant as showing up two hours late (or not at all!) Anger reactions, drinking too much alcohol, anxiety, not fulfilling commitments made, etc. all fall into this realm.

Duration. If a behavior pattern has existed for 30 years (and potentially has grown worse over that time period), that is more problematic than a behavior that has just shown up recently. If a problem pattern has recently emerged, often we look for other stressors in the person’s life that may be temporary.

Generality. If a behavior pattern is pretty limited to one area of a person’s life, or one specific setting, that is less of a concern than if the behavior pattern can be seen in numerous setting. So if a manager relates to numerous people, in multiple settings, in a condescending or sarcastic way (with colleagues, with supervisors, with clients, with vendors, on the phone, in meetings, in email, out in public), then the “level” of the problem is more severe than if this style of communication only occurred with one vendor.

Impact on other areas of life. Some problem behaviors only impact one area of life (work, marriage, relationship with children). Some guys relate well to people at work and in the community, but treat their family members disrespectfully. Some people worry about their children, but the issue doesn’t bleed over into their work life, so that may not be as big of a concern.

Level of concern reported by numerous parties. When an individual raises issues or concerns about another person, whether it is at work or within a family, I view the situation differently than when the same issue is being raised by numerous people. (This is especially true when the individuals don’t seem to have any secondary gains to realize from reporting the problem.)

So, if we take all the issues together, a “normal” problem behavior is probably displayed infrequently, with mild to moderate intensity, maybe has only existed for a short while, and is fairly limited in its scope of where it is displayed.

Conversely, real “problem” behaviors are seen frequently, can be scary in their intensity, have been around a long time, and occur in numerous areas of the person’s life, and usually is creating significant disturbance in his or her life’s functioning.

One final comment. “Problem” problems need to be addressed. They will not go away on their own. And most significant problems are not easy to solve (if they were, they probably would have already been resolved.) “Problem” problems usually require multiple strategies to correct them successfully.

This weekend I had the privilege of facilitating a family meeting in Northern California with a family I have known for over six years, and we had a great time together. I returned home yesterday afternoon, and as part of my recuperation and re-entry into the family process, my family and I watched a movie together last night. For those of you who have been reading for a while, you know of my penchant for animated movies, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that we enjoyed a movie from that genre’ called Ratatouille.

After enjoying the movie together, I found an interesting clip on the special features of the DVD called “A Conversation with Brad Bird and Thomas Keller”. I hit the play button and we watched an interesting interview with Brad Bird, who was the screenwriter and director of the film and a leading animation movie producer for Disney, and Thomas Keller, the famous chef of The French Laundry restaurant in Napa, CA. What followed was a discussion with each of these successful creative entrepreneurs regarding the principles that they believe have led to their success. Some the principles were overtly stated, others are observations I gleaned from the discussion.

Early work experience. Both Mr. Bird and Mr. Keller described a period of time in their childhood and teenage years where they began working in their current area of expertise. Mr. Keller worked in the kitchen of his mother’s restaurant while growing up, and Mr. Bird entered a contest for animation when he was 11 years old. He won the contest, and with it, the opportunity to work alongside the animators at Disney studios.

Mentoring. Both men indicated that a crucial factor in their professional success was the process of being mentored by their elders in the profession. Mr. Bird’s mentoring occurred naturally with his work in the Disney studios, while Mr. Keller took proactive steps to seek out and work under successful artistes in his field, initially in the N.E. United States and then in Paris.

Commitment. Each man both verbalized directly and reported life stories about the level of commitment needed to be successful. Success does not come from a “hobby” approach to one’s profession, and requires the sacrifice of long hours and focus.

Emotional connection with clients. Interesting to me was the common factor of emotional connection cited by both professionals. Getting into the mindset of one’s clients was a key process in their creation of their products. They attempted to visualize and “be with” their clients in the experience of partaking of what they had created. And they wanted their clients to feel the passion and emotion they put into their creations. (Do they teach that in MBA programs?)

Quest for perfection. Mr. Bird and Mr. Keller distinguished between “perfection” and “the quest for perfection.” They gave numerous specific examples in their work where they were “gently demanding” of those with whom they worked. They try not to be purely demanding in an ogre-like manner, but do try to push their colleagues: “That’s great! But if we just …, I think it will be even better.”

Coaching others. Within their own creative processes, it was clear that neither of these pillars within their fields see themselves as an island, or that they had created the success on their own. Rather, they understand the necessity of working with team members collaboratively, and even more so, saw the need and responsibility to coach those with whom they work. Mr. Bird stated that the goal is to “coach those beneath you to bring out their greatness.”

Work with a sense of urgency. Even though both men are artists, they clearly did not espouse a laisse faire approach to the artistic process. They communicated the need to have an atmosphere of urgency within the workplace, and that this aura actually brings energy to the creative process. In fact, at Mr. Keller’s restaurant they have a sign posted in the kitchen which says: “Sense of Urgency.”

Don’t over-control the process. When working collaboratively with a team of professionals who are talented in their own right, it is important for the creative director (or business leader) not to over control the process. Mr. Keller and Mr. Bird cited the need to ask for and listen to the input of their colleagues, realizing that they do not hold the patent on all good ideas.

Find delight in what you do. Finally, (and this was their concluding thought), to be truly successful in what you do, you must enjoy it. You must seek to create a product (or service) that delights you. When you make something that brings you pleasure, then others will find delight in it, as well.

The movie (Ratatouille) itself is fun. But the lessons and hearing the passion in these men’s voices as they share the lessons they have learned is even more valuable. Enjoy and learn!