I have observed a common pattern across many areas that I work (and live) — people avoiding dealing with tense or conflictual situations in their relationships with others. And almost always, not dealing with the situation creates additional problems or makes the conflict larger and more intense (often involving more people than were originally involved).

And it happens it lots of settings:

• in family businesses, between family members working together
• in office settings, between coworkers who can’t get a long
• in marriages, between spouses
• in extended families, between parents-in-law and their children’s spouse
• in schools, between teachers and parents of the students
• in wealthy families, between siblings who are inheriting wealth
• and on and on.

Now, I am not going to try to address all the issues relevant to conflict in relationships, that would require a book (or two). But let’s look at some core concepts.

First, why do people often try to avoid conflict? I think there are lots of potential reasons, but let’s identify a few.

1. Many people do not like emotionally-charged situations, and they feel if they raise the issue underlying the conflict, emotions will get out of control.
2. Most people don’t like others to act or communicate in an angry way towards them, and will almost anything to avoid this type of interchange.
3. Some individuals believe that, in conflict, someone must either “be wrong” or have done something wrong, and they don’t want to be accused of this.
4. Most of us, when we have done something wrong, don’t like admitting it or apologizing for our error.

The problem is — not dealing with conflict in a situation doesn’t make it go away. In fact, frequently, things get worse. When there is tension between two people, or when there is a relational break (that is, the two people are not communicating much at all, if any) — not dealing with the issue creates additional problems, including:

• Others notice the tension and it makes them feel uncomfortable.
• Communication between the two individuals becomes minimal and ineffective.
• Other people get pulled into the conflict, and often begin to “take sides”.
• The people involved in the conflict experience a lot more emotional tension in their lives, with their emotions “building up”, and often spilling over into other areas of their lives.
• The relationship becomes more and more distant, sometimes to the point of total cut-off between the two parties.

Now, I am not suggesting, that if you are in the midst of a conflict in one of your relationships, you should run out and “deal with it”. Why? Because most people who have the habit of avoiding conflict don’t have very good success at resolving conflictual situations on their own — they don’t haven’t been practicing how to deal with conflict in their daily lives (we all have it, you know), they have misbeliefs about what should be done (”we just need to sit down and talk it out”), and they may not have the skills to deal with the situation effectively.

So what should you do?

First, take stock of your relationships and see if there are any that currently have significant tension or conflict that is getting in the way. Admit to yourself that there is a relationship that needs attention.

Second, observe how the tension in your relationship is affecting your life and those around you. For you to seriously consider dealing with the situation, you are probably going to need to be convinced that the conflict is creating problems in your life. You may want to ask those close to you in the situation (coworkers, family members) how the tension affects them (don’t ask it in a way where you are looking for support for your position in the conflict).

If possible, seek some help from someone who can help you deal with the conflict in the relationship in a positive way. Get some counsel from someone you admire and observe that they seem to be able to address relational tensions in their lives in a healthy way. Sometimes it may be beneficial to talk to a professional counselor, business coach, or facilitator — to help you and the other person meet together to resolve the issues creating the conflict.

Do some reading that can help you grow in dealing with conflicts in your life. Whatever the conflict you are currently experiencing, if you are a habitual “conflict avoider”, be assured this will not be the last difficult relational situation you have to deal with — there will be more. So it would be wise to start to grow in your ability to deal with tensions in relationships in a healthy way. There is a great book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most that a number of my clients have found to be quite helpful in guiding them through tough conversations they needed to have with someone in their life. Additionally, Lewis Smedes has written an excellent book, The Art of Forgiving, that is also extremely helpful.

I have conflict in relationships in my life (just ask those close to me), and I am still learning how to deal with those tensions in a healthier manner — I think we all can. Let’s just commit together to not let tensions in relationships fester to the point where they poison our lives — it will make all of our lives healthier.

Much of life is not magic or spectacular. As one of my friends says, “Life is daily.”

And when we look at the goals so many of us have –

• to be healthy physically – in shape and not overweight;
• to be moving toward financial independence;
• to have healthy family relationships – in our marriage, with our children, and among our extended family –

many of these goals are largely the result of daily actions and taking time each week to devote to these goals.

Exercising a few times a week, eating healthy and in moderation, and getting enough sleep – moves us toward physical health.

Working hard, spending less than you earn, using what you have versus buying something new, saving regularly, investing wisely, and learning to be content in your circumstances – leads toward financial independence.

Similarly, there are some foundational habits that lead toward healthy relationships in families. And in my work every week I see both: a) families (or family members) who say they want healthy relationships but consistently do not make the choices necessary to bring about the health they desire; and b) families who have strong, warm relationships with one another as a result of habits and structures they have built into their lives over the years (and continue to do so.)

This is true for young couples, young families with children, middle-aged parents with teens or young adults, senior parents with adult children and grandchildren, wealthy families and those lesser financial means.

Let’s look at some of those patterns.

1. Spending regular time to be in touch with each other’s daily lives. This will look differently depending on the life stage of the family. It may mean talking or emailing a couple times a week (for families with children out of the home), eating dinner together regularly, taking walks together in the evening and catching up on the day’s events.

2. Having regular leisure time together. Again, the format will differ. This might mean going on a camping trip once a year. Doing leisure activities together occasionally – playing golf, fishing, going shopping, going to a concert, playing cards or a board game, or eating out together – hopefully an activity that allows for interaction during the event.

3. Taking time to have significant conversations about meaningful topics. It is difficult to have “deep” conversations spontaneously – the circumstances rarely work out right (the other person is distracted, there are kids around, someone interrupts the time, etc.) I find that people who want to have significant conversations with others plan for them. They think through what they want to talk about; they let the other person (or persons) know they would like to set aside some time to talk; and they schedule a time and an appropriate place.

It is important to note that this is true in a variety of relationships: couples; parents / kids & teens; senior adults and their adult children; and extended families (matriarch/patriarch to the rest of the family).

4. Being available to listen when others want to talk. (By the way, this is my biggest personal deficit area.) One of the key components to healthy relationships, seemingly especially with school-age children and teens, is being available when the other person has a need to share what is on their heart. This is one of the benefits of moms being home after school when kids get home, the “travel time” to / from school and activities, running errands together, cooking meals together, or working on projects together.

Unfortunately, most of us who are in the parent role tend to focus more on what we want to communicate to our kids, and often do not ask enough questions and just listen (guilty as charged).

5. Working through tensions, miscommunication, and conflict. Healthy families realize that no one is perfect, that miscommunications happen, it best to work to resolve a conflict rather than avoid it, and forgiving others when you have been wronged works a lot better than holding a grudge. So much hurt, pain, and damaged relationships could be avoided if families would realize that problems occur in family relationships and it is best to take proactive steps to deal with them.

If I could make one request from many of the families that I meet (often in passing) – do yourself and your family a favor: build some foundational habits and structures in your family’s life that will foster healthy, close relationships that you will enjoy for years. I will close with a number of specific action steps you could take (depending on your life stage):

• Sit down at the dinner table at least 3 times a week and eat dinner together, including some conversation about your day.
• Hang out with your kids, either in their room or in your bedroom, at the end of the day and chat about the day.
• Take a walk with your spouse after dinner and hear about their day.
• Call or email your college-age or young adult and ask them what they are looking forward to in the coming weeks.
• Schedule a family gathering for the extended family to get together, share a meal and hang out (keep it simple; it is more likely to happen, and don’t make it mandatory that everyone is able to attend before you schedule it.)
• Have an annual family meeting to communicate how the business has done this past year, what new projects came about, challenges encountered, and the plans for this coming year (keep it global and topical, don’t share specific financial information.)
• Offer to help your adult child on a project they need help on. Let them run the project; don’t offer unasked for advice, and just be their helper.
• Think of your own application of these principles, and write it down here: __________________________________________.

Have fun!

I don’t mean to sound snub or condescending but, in a lot of ways, having healthy relationships is not that big of deal. Having positive relationships doesn’t have to be as difficult as people want to make it.
I often tell my friends (and sometimes, my clients) that the work I do is not rocket science. Helping families and business families “get along” is not that tough, from a conceptual point of view. The concepts are fairly straightforward.

But the real challenge is in the implementation — in getting individuals and families to do (regularly) those behaviors and tasks that build health in relationships, and to minimize those actions that damage relationships. And, being forthright, it is in the area of implementation that I am worth my weight in gold (ok, maybe not that much — I weigh a fair amount and gold is at $1,000 an ounce.) Probably the one thing I do best is help families do what they should being doing.

Recently, I have been working with some families who are good people, who mean well and have good intentions, but some of them do what they are supposed to occasionally, others practice positive patterns but inconsistently, and some seem afraid to do what is right (almost strictly out of the fear of conflict.)

I previously have written about the six steps to positive relationships, so I won’t repeat those principles. I have some other observations I want to share here.

First, it is amazing to me to see individuals and families who say they want to have good relationships with one another, but they seem to rarely spend any time together. This is true for parents with children living at home, adults who are brothers and sisters, or extended families. Everyone is “busy” (the apparently acceptable excuse for almost anything in our culture). Ok, so let me put it to you bluntly: If you want to have a healthy relationship with another person, it helps (a lot) to spend time with them regularly.

Time is good. But spending time together watching TV, sports on TV, or movies/DVDs is not really going to build your relationship a lot. Talking is good. Talking about something meaningful in your life is better. It is a good start to with sharing about events in your daily life. But you can go to a deeper level if you share about what you are thinking about the future or the challenges you are facing in your daily life. If you are really brave, you might venture into the area of politics, religious / spiritual beliefs, or where you think our country or the world is heading.

There are three intertwined characteristics that I repeatedly observe in healthy families. If you have one of the three, it is helpful; two of the three is really quite good; and if you are “three for three” I am convinced you and your family will enjoy each other for a long time.

Accepting differences, and understanding that disagreeing doesn’t mean someone is necessarily wrong, is a great attribute.

Being able to resolve conflicts in a non-damaging manner is huge.

Forgiving others and learning to “let go” and move on is at the heart of healthy relationships.

Look at the converse of each of these and you will see what I mean. Think about a family (or a relationship) where everyone has to be, act, think, dress or believe the same in order to be OK. Early in a family’s life, this can look ok, but the fabric quickly unravels — because people in family’s are different — they think, act, dress and value things differently. So either you learn to accept, and embrace, the value of differentness or you blow relationships apart.

One of the most common patterns I see that creates major problems in families is their unwillingness or inability to confront one another in a way that allows the relationship to continue. More frequently, families “avoid” confrontation (they don’t actually avoid it, it actually either goes underground, builds up and blows, or goes through indirect channels). Often my role is to help family members sit down and talk about concerns they have with each other and attempt to facilitate the discussion in a manner that both feel “heard” and allows the opportunity to dialogue and problem-solve about the situation. (NOTE: being ok with the other person thinking, acting or believing differently than you is key.)

Families who live without forgiving one another are filled with hurt, anger, resentment and broken relationships. Let’s face it — we all screw up (some of us more than others) and many of us have deeply hurt those close to us. Unfortunate, but true. And I don’t know of any real way someone can “make it up to” another person — either through compensatory actions, apologizing, or admitting they were wrong. The bottom line need is the ability for the offended and hurt to “let it go” and move on. Otherwise, the relationship will always be tainted by “Yea, but you …”

I’m sure there are other aspects we could add, but realistically speaking if you:

*Spend time together
*Talk about meaningful topics
*Accept the other person as being different from you (and that is ok)
*Choose to deal with conflicts constructively
*Forgive others when they hurt you

Then you are going to have a darn good relationship. Not that tough, conceptually. Living it out is a challenge, no doubt. But give it a try. You can do better than you have been, I bet. We all can.

(By the way, it won’t be that helpful to print this out or send it to someone in your family and say “Here are some things you should work on” [or some other more indirect wording]. Rather, work on yourself. That’s the place to start.)

A fair amount of my time professionally is listening to individuals, families and organizations who are experiencing some challenges that they are trying to manage successfully. They describe to me a variety of problems and are looking for insight on what to do.

The issues range from individual behavior and feelings — anxiety about life, problems with anger management, patterns of communication which are viewed as condescending by others, uncertainty about one’s future career path — to problems solidly planted in the midst of relationships (marital conflict, a teenager or young adult who is demonstrating behavior problems and the parents don’t know what to do, a lack of trust among family members). And the challenges also can be more systemic or organizational — the lack of qualified managers who can “step up” to fill the gap when the current senior leaders retire, or current key employees who do not have the characteristics needed to be successful in their role.

Believe it or not, one of the most frequent questions I am asked is: “Do you think this is really a ‘problem’ or is it normal?” In essence, I am being asked: “Is this a ‘normal’ problem or is this something we should be concerned about?”

For example, parents aren’t sure if their teenager’s behavior is “normal teenage rebellion” or something greater. Or a manager doesn’t know if his direct report’s tendency to irritate his coworkers and those who work for him is “ok” and he should just let it ride, or if he should confront the issue.

Often, I give my clients some guidelines in order to determine if the problem is within the normal range of behavior (note that “normal” behavior includes challenges, weaknesses, and problem behavior) or if the pattern should be viewed more seriously. Here are a few ways to tell.

First, let’s clear the air on one viewpoint. Some people attempt to minimize problems they are having by saying: “There are lots of people who struggle with (xyz). It is not that big of a deal.” This is the adult version of the teenage justification, “Everyone is doing it!” The point trying to be made is that X behavior can’t really be problematic if it occurs frequently. Wrong. Ask the children of alcoholics or parents who are physically abusive (two high frequency behavior patterns). The level of frequency of a problem in a society has no bearing on its impact on individuals.

Ok, so here are the guidelines.

Frequency of the behavior. If a problem behavior (e.g. losing your temper and yelling at others) occurs once every six months, that is less of a concern than if the behavior occurs daily. Generally speaking, the more frequent a problem is demonstrated, the more concern there should be.

Intensity. Similarly, if the intensity of the behavior is fairly mild, this might be considered within the ‘normal’ range. But when the intensity is high, there is more concern. For example, if an employee is occasionally late to work five to ten minutes, that is not as significant as showing up two hours late (or not at all!) Anger reactions, drinking too much alcohol, anxiety, not fulfilling commitments made, etc. all fall into this realm.

Duration. If a behavior pattern has existed for 30 years (and potentially has grown worse over that time period), that is more problematic than a behavior that has just shown up recently. If a problem pattern has recently emerged, often we look for other stressors in the person’s life that may be temporary.

Generality. If a behavior pattern is pretty limited to one area of a person’s life, or one specific setting, that is less of a concern than if the behavior pattern can be seen in numerous setting. So if a manager relates to numerous people, in multiple settings, in a condescending or sarcastic way (with colleagues, with supervisors, with clients, with vendors, on the phone, in meetings, in email, out in public), then the “level” of the problem is more severe than if this style of communication only occurred with one vendor.

Impact on other areas of life. Some problem behaviors only impact one area of life (work, marriage, relationship with children). Some guys relate well to people at work and in the community, but treat their family members disrespectfully. Some people worry about their children, but the issue doesn’t bleed over into their work life, so that may not be as big of a concern.

Level of concern reported by numerous parties. When an individual raises issues or concerns about another person, whether it is at work or within a family, I view the situation differently than when the same issue is being raised by numerous people. (This is especially true when the individuals don’t seem to have any secondary gains to realize from reporting the problem.)

So, if we take all the issues together, a “normal” problem behavior is probably displayed infrequently, with mild to moderate intensity, maybe has only existed for a short while, and is fairly limited in its scope of where it is displayed.

Conversely, real “problem” behaviors are seen frequently, can be scary in their intensity, have been around a long time, and occur in numerous areas of the person’s life, and usually is creating significant disturbance in his or her life’s functioning.

One final comment. “Problem” problems need to be addressed. They will not go away on their own. And most significant problems are not easy to solve (if they were, they probably would have already been resolved.) “Problem” problems usually require multiple strategies to correct them successfully.

This is the time of year when families gather together – college students are on break, young adults return home to visit, and the extended family celebrates Christmas and New Year’s together.

So it is also the time when parents who have been successful in business turn their focus to their family. This is both a good thing and it creates difficulties. It is generally good for parents to engage relationally with their family; unfortunately, for some this is an infrequent occurrence due to their focus on work (or hobbies). But when we try to “re-enter” into the family relationally, the style and manner in which we do so can create tension, discomfort, and result in conflict.

Having grown up in a family owned business with a father who was an extremely hard worker, but who also cared about his family, we would experience this pattern. Through the year dad would work long hours, and my mom was the primary conductor of family matters. (This is not to say that he wasn’t involved at all, but until later in his business life, she had the primary responsibility of interacting with the kids regarding our daily affairs.) But around the Christmas holidays, dad would refocus and engage at a higher level in family matters. And, right or wrong, this pattern has largely continued in my own nuclear family.

So, both from observing and experiencing this pattern as a child, and now as a parent, I have seen some ways that “parent re-entry” can go better, or not so well. Let me share some of these observations.

Leading a family is different than leading a business. In business, there is a formal hierarchy with established patterns of communication and decision-making. In family matters, the structure, communication patterns and decision-making procedures are more fluid – largely influenced by which family members are involved and the specific areas of discussion or decision – and obviously, tend to be more relational. As a result, “top down” communication and decision-making that many business owners and executives try to transfer to the family doesn’t go over well (in some families, this is a extreme understatement.) The implication? Don’t try to run family meetings during the holidays like you run business meetings.

Influence is largely a factor of the quality of the relationship in families. Many parents want to utilize the time with their children and grandchildren to communicate important information – their goals and desires for the family, what is important to them, principles they want their children to live by. And this is good. However, the method by which this is done can “backfire”. If the parent does not currently have a positive relationship with the child (or whoever the family member is), the message will, at best, be ignored, and more probably may create a response of anger, resentment or disdain. I would suggest the following:

a) Spend individual time with family members. Talk with them, listen to them, ask them about their lives: what they are excited about, what they are learning, what are some challenges they are facing.

b) Share personal stories about your life. Rather than give a lecture (along with a handout) with your “five core principles for life”, share stories about experiences you have had and possibly the lessons you learned (sometimes the principles are better left unsaid). Think about what makes a good story: build the context, focus on the people involved, share sensory experiences (what it looked, sounded, smelled like), and share your thoughts and feelings throughout the experience.

c) Be aware that you may first need to rebuild relationships with others before they are going to be willing to receive input from you. If you haven’t ever read it, read The Five Love Languages by my friend, Dr. Gary Chapman. Then discuss it with the family member and see in what way love is best communicated to them. Then do it!

When planning activities for the family, give options and choices. Let the family give their input on what they would like to do and how they would like to spend the time together. Although your ideas may be great (and I am sure they are, just like mine are), they may not be what the others in your family want to do. If you want to have positive “family time”, then it makes sense that the family should be able to choose what would be fun for them.

I hope these suggestions will help your time together with your family over the holidays to be fun, positive and lead to significant interactions with those whom you love.

Merry Christmas!

Paul

I apologize to my friend, Thayer Willis, for borrowing from the title of her excellent book, Navigating the Dark Side of Wealth, for this entry, but I really couldn’t think of a better description of the topic.

As I work with financially successful families across the country, I repeatedly see three negative patterns in family members. Most often (but not always) the problems are seen in second generation (children) and third generation (grandchildren) family members. The most serious of the three is drug and alcohol abuse. [I plan to address the other two themes in future postings.]

Drug and Alcohol Abuse

This is the “black hole” into which many individuals have fallen, some of whom spend their whole lives trying to escape from it. Unfortunately, others cease trying and either slowly kill themselves over time or end their lives abruptly.

Why do many wealthy family members struggle with drug and alcohol addiction? There are many possibilities, but I will share my own observations.

First, we need to recognize that many individuals struggle with drug and alcohol abuse, regardless of their financial status. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, in 2006 approximately 20 million Americans (8.3% of the population ages 12 and older) used illicit drugs within the month prior to the survey. Similarly, 23% of individuals 12 and older reported binge drinking at least once in the past month and 6.9% of the population reported heavy drinking (defined as binge drinking on at least 5 days in the past 30 days).  Interestingly, the binge drinking rate was 42% for young adults aged 18 to 25 and the rate of heavy drinking was 15%.  So we should expect a similar incidence rate for families of wealth. It may seem to some that the frequency of substance abuse is higher in wealthy families, but this may just be perception or the fact that these families often are more visible within the community. Regardless, I think the pathway of substance abuse for individuals from wealthy families has some unique characteristics.

The Pursuit of Pleasure. For some families their use of wealth is to pursue fun, excitement and pleasure. From the time the children are young, they go numerous exotic trips and the kids are sent to lengthy (four to six week) prestigious camps during the summer. As they become preteens and adolescents, they go on vacations every Christmas vacation and Spring break – to the family’s condo in Aspen for skiing, and to the beach house in Hawaii, the Caribbean or Mexico, along with cruises and excursions to Europe. In their later teens, they obviously go to the most challenging prep school (and many times, boarding school), drive luxury sports cars or SUVs, and basically pursue having a lot of fun. It is during this period (if not in middle school) that they start drinking, “partying”, and experimenting with drugs (usually pot and Ecstasy first).

The combination of access to easy money, a lot of free time, not much parental supervision, and a drive toward excitement leads to an expanded use of drug and alcohol. I believe additional factor includes a lack of purpose and meaning in life beyond pursuing pleasure.

In our culture, the primary view of work is for the purpose of earning money (to support yourself and buy what you need or want). If you have a lot of money (or your family does), the belief is that you really don’t need to work. So studying hard in school loses its meaning and finding a career direction isn’t a high priority (“I can always work for the family business or foundation.”)  In situations like this, it can be hard to find purpose or meaning in life beyond pursuing pleasure (see Jessie O’Neil’s book, The Golden Ghetto for her personal reflections on this issue.)

The coup d’etat of drug and alcohol abuse in wealthy families is that it is really difficult for the individual to “hit bottom”. It doesn’t take much money to keep an addict going (as evidenced by the homeless, unemployed alcoholics) and many wealthy family members have access to an almost unlimited amount of money. So how are they going to “reach the end of their rope”? Unless families take a very tough stand – to the point of seeming mean – the bottom may never be reached. And so the drug and alcohol use continues indefinitely.

Now, it is easy to describe a problem. It is far more difficult to give an answer.

I am not an addictions expert, by any stretch of the imagination. Each individual’s situation is unique, and there are many contributing factors to addictive behavior. However, I would suggest the following issues that families of wealth need to consider:

1. Be actively involved in your children’s lives. Do not parent by proxy, delegating your parenting to others. Be involved in their school activities and their peer relationships. Don’t be so busy with your activities that you are unable to supervise what is going on in their lives.

2. Identify the purpose and meaning of your family’s wealth and teach this to your children. Is your wealth only for your benefit? I believe if your view of wealth is primarily for your comfort and pursuit of pleasure, you run the risk of significant problems in your family in the future.

3. Understand that the purpose of “work” is more than earning money. Work (whether it is for money, volunteering, or chores at home) brings meaning to life. Using our time, energy and talents for the service of others gives us a sense of purpose. We need to work to develop our skills and abilities, and to find out what we are good at, and what we enjoy doing.

Like any aspect of parenting, there are no guarantees. I view these three issues as “vitamins” in a family’s life that can lead to a healthy family and help reduce the likelihood of serious problems.  There is much more which can be discussed regarding this topic, and I don’t want to diminish the seriousness of the issue with a light treatment.  But I think a brief introduction to some preventative steps that can be taken can hopefully cause some deeper thought with significant results down the road.

It seems like colleges start earlier and earlier each year — but in the Midwest, at least, a number of colleges and universities started this past week or will this coming week (I know many schools back East and on the West Coast start after Labor Day). And with the beginning of the fall semester comes the transition for thousands of students from high school to college. Currently, I am working with a number of families and I have several friends who have students in this life stage.

Given that I went to college for ten years (four years bachelors, two years masters, and four years of doctoral coursework) and that I have taught undergraduate and graduate level courses, I think I am pretty qualified to talk about those behaviors that lead to success in the classroom. So let’s look at habits and choices which lead to academic success in college.

1. Go to class (and show up at least five minutes early). This is a no-brainer, but many students who are transitioning from high school are looking forward to the “freedom” of college — that they don’t “have to” go to class and no one is checking up on them. Successful students go to class. And showing up early does a number of things — it allows some for something to go wrong and still get to class on time, it shows the teacher class is important to you and you want to hear everything they have to say, it provides the opportunity to interact with other students and build some friendships, and it prevents you from coming in late to class, interrupting the instructor and irritating them (not good if you are on the bubble at the end of the semester between a C/B or B/A).

2. Stay awake in class and pay attention. Going to class and sleeping is little better (and for irritating the instructor, its worse) than not going to class. So this means you either need to get enough sleep (a major challenge for many college students) or loading yourself with enough caffeine to stay awake. Take a hint from an instructor — what the professor says in class is what is important to them about the topic and is much more likely to be on the exam. Plus, if you use the words and language the instructor does, you are more likely to get points on an exam.

3. Keep current in your reading. Besides not going to class regularly (especially those 8 a.m. “gen ed” classes), getting behind in your reading assignments is probably the next big error students make. A professor’s lectures are usually focused on the reading for the day — so to get the maximum benefit of the lecture, it is helpful to have some idea what she or he is talking about. In high school you may have been able to coast and just get the material from the lectures; in college, trying to learn without doing the reading is asking for trouble [trust me, you can believe me now or you can believe me after you get your first D or F in your life on an exam.]

4. Review your class notes at least once a week. (For those students who are really serious about learning, review and correct/clarify your notes after each class.) Exams will cover and emphasize material covered in class. Keeping familiar with the information and reviewing it periodically will make it significantly easier to remember for tests (as opposed to cramming 20 pages of notes the night before the exam). This habit is probably the one that will be new to most students, and also which will be most helpful. Many tests in college are not just “regurgitate the material”; they ask you to think about and synthesize the concepts. So to be able to do this, you have to know the basic information “cold”. For example, instructors are no longer going to ask you to “cite the four major political events leading up to the Civil War” but they may ask you to “compare the major political events which led to the Civil War with parallel political issues in our culture today.” If you have trouble remembering the facts, you will struggle with coming up with an answer that makes sense.

5. Take care of yourself — physically, socially and emotionally. Sleep deprivation + eating mainly junk food (with no fruits or vegetables) + no exercise = foggy thinking, poor memory and a high likelihood of getting sick or depressed. Studying all the time (or playing computer games by yourself for hours) and never hanging out with friends leads to not having friends, being viewed as weird, and loneliness — increasing the potential (significantly) for you dropping out of school. You don’t have a mom around anymore (hopefully!) — telling you to go to bed, fixing vegetables at every meal, and making you turn off the computer and go outside. If you don’t take care of you, no one will.

6. Study in ways that maximize your time and effort. Research demonstrates that most people’s core attention span and ability to focus is between 10 minutes and 20-25 minutes after they started studying. The first 10 minutes is sort of “warm up” where you are getting into the material. The next 10-15 minutes are high intensity concentration. Then your ability to concentrate and learn wanes. Usually, after 30 minutes on a subject (e.g. reading history), your learning impact is low and you are wasting time. To maximize your study time, it is best to break your study sessions into 30 minute segments. Study subject A (history) for the first 30 minutes. Then switch not only subjects but the type of task (e.g. do math problems) for the next 30 minutes. Take a 5 minute (not 15, 30 or 60 minute) break — get up, walk around, get a drink, go to the bathroom. Then do two more subjects, for 30 minutes each. THEN take a longer break — go get some exercise, eat a meal, hang out with friends. This approach to studying will help you accomplish a lot more than studying the same subject for 60, 90 or 120 minutes at a time.

So, there you have it. If you want to do well academically in college, go to class, pay attention, keep up in your reading, review your notes, take care of yourself physically, and study in short segments. As a professional learner, if you do practice these six habits, I guarantee you will maximize your opportunity for success (I would feel dishonest in guaranteeing pure “success”).

p.s. I do have other tips for taking tests which I can share later in the semester.

“What is the purpose of work?” is both a personal question for me and a key question for many of the families with whom I work (although they don’t necessarily ask it directly like that).  Consistent with the stereotype of a hardworking Midwestern farmer, I am a pretty hard-working guy (I am not a farmer, but come from that heritage). So I work fairly long hours, but probably more importantly, I work consistently — not taking many days off or vacations. Not bragging. Not looking for either respect or sympathy. Just describing the situation.

And the question, “What is the purpose of work?”, is relevant to many of my clientele families at many levels. For many, they no longer have to work in order to support themselves or their families. They have been successful in business, investing, or wealth-creation of some kind and now have sufficient financial resources for the rest of their lives. But most (not all) continue in some form of work — investing their time, energy and intellectual capital in new endeavors. Why?

And the purpose (or meaning) of work intersects their lives at another level — their children (and sometimes grandchildren) either currently have or will have access to more than enough money and financial assets that they really will never have to work in order to support themselves or their families. So the question becomes: Why should they work? (or even prepare for working through education?) A somewhat easy question to answer at a theoretical or principle-based level, but far more difficult in real life conversations when your kids ask the question.

I am not presupposing I have all the potential answers to these questions, but I have thought it through some (and discussed the issue with a lot of people). So here are some of my thoughts.

First, let me define what I mean by “work”. I am talking about meaningful and productive life activity. It does not only mean a paying job — most adults do some forms of work that are not paying (making meals, doing the dishes, lawncare, paying the bills, laundry) — although many wealthy individuals and families hire these tasks out to others. I think probably the most undervalued form of non-paying work is parenting, and more specifically, mothering. Mothers work long, hard hours; they don’t get paid; and they don’t typically get much in return (accolades, thanks, recognition). Mothering is, flat out, a tough job. There are additional non-paying jobs in the forms of community service and volunteering. So work is not defined by payment in this context.

In fact, that segues into one of the core questions about work in our culture today — if you have enough money, why work? And the converse of this question actually is the implicit (and sometimes explicitly stated) goal for many — “I want to get rich and have a lot of money so I can quit my job and never have to work again!” Aside from fame, I think this is the primary driving force for those who desire to be professional athletes, movie stars, entertainers, record producers, and possibly many entrepreneurs.

The inferred meaning of work from this perspective is: The purpose of work is to make money.

So if you have “enough” money (which is a personal definition), you don’t have to work. This is where the dilemma intersects with children and heirs of significant financial wealth — if the primary purpose of work is to make money, and we have all the money we need, why should I go get a job? And why should I study hard in school to get a job I don’t need?

The problem is, from my perspective, this is a limited view of work. Work, besides making money, is meaningful daily life activity — making something, serving someone, providing something of worth to others (either individually or to the community in which you live [local or globally]). And I believe it is woven into the nature of humans to both desire meaningful, productive activity and to gain satisfaction from the same.

This actually creates some challenges in some kinds of work — you don’t always see the product of your time and effort. In my field of counseling and consulting, my “products” are somewhat ethereal. You can’t always see the results of my efforts (sometimes not immediately, but later; sometimes for a brief time period and then they seem to dissipate; sometimes not ever!) So I counteract this by doing more physical tasks in my avocational time — trimming trees, writing an article — a task where I can see some type of visible result.

Now, for me personally, I am not in the situation where I am able to “not work” (for pay). I still need income to support my family. But even for me, I ask (especially when I am weary or discouraged) — besides earning money, for what purpose am I working? What am I trying to accomplish? What am I accomplishing? Does it matter? To whom? (And does it matter if it makes any difference to someone else?) [To those of you with whom I work, I am not indirectly looking for accolades or reassurance of my efforts — I am letting you in on my internal thought processes.]

One of the reasons I went into the counseling profession initially was because I wanted to make a difference in people’s lives, rather than manufacture (or sell) some physical object that may or may not really enhance the quality of anyone’s life. But that is a value decision on my part. And even so, is that the core reason to work — to make a difference in people’s lives, or to improve the world? Maybe, maybe not.

Besides these reasons, what are other purposes of work? For some, there is a spiritual aspect. For others, work can be the mechanism through which they discover themselves and become all they were meant to be.

Realistically speaking, I think work can become the measure by which we attempt to gain self-worth (to some, being a Vice President of a company means you are better as a person than if you were a factory assemblyman). And I think it is also a way we try to gain acceptance or recognition from others — other people will think more of us if we are more “successful” in our careers. No judgment here on these, just laying it on the line.

So the question remains — what is the purpose of work? Why do you do what you do? Is it just because you “have to” (or you feel you have to)? Think about it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A related, interesting question to me is: what is the purpose of leisure? (Especially since, from my perspective, our culture pursues leisure like a cocaine addict pursues their next fix.)

When I talk to business owners and managers and ask them what they are looking for in potential employees, “a good work ethic” is always one of the characteristics cited.  (This is also a frequent response from parents when they are asked what character qualities they desire for their children.)  Unfortunately, today there are many factors which have undermined this “good work ethic”—to the point that one of the major complaints about young people in our culture today is their lack of motivation and drive.