When I talk to parents, either in family meetings, counseling sessions, or lectures, I always describe one of the main goals of parenting is: “to raise independent functional adults”.  First, you try to keep them alive so that they will at least become an adult (e.g. avoiding fatal car accidents as teens).  Secondly, you want them to move toward independence, versus being eternally dependent on you.  And finally, you want them to be”functional” in terms of having the character qualities necessary to function in the world (learning lessons like: work comes before play; there is a relationship between responsibility and privilege; life is made of choices, with accompanying results; there are limited resources in life [time,money, energy] so you have to prioritize — “You can’t do everything.”)

As parents, there are milestones along the way that show that your kids are on the right path (graduating from high school, getting a job and paying for some of their expenses, living away from home after college).  And there are “ditches” to avoid as well — drug and alcohol addiction, serious credit card debt, inability to hold down a job over time.

Ultimately, when do you claim “victory!” as a parent?  When can you say, “I think we were pretty successful as parents”?  Being somewhat hard-nosed, but also truthful, I don’t think we really know how we did as parents until our grandchildren are young adults and displaying the characteristics we value.  That is a long time off, but just like many other areas of life, I don’t think true success can be claimed until the first generation results are replicated.

Nonetheless, I think there are times (and this is one for us), where you can at least stop, take a breath, and claim temporary victory.

My wife, Kathy, and I are in the midst of a significant life transition. For the first time in 26 years and 3 months, we don’t have any of our children living at home.  Our oldest two (twin sons, Daniel & Nathan) have both graduated from college and have been out own their own for a few years.  One is a chaplain in the Army and being deployed to Iraq in a few weeks (for 12 months).  One is involved in international medical relief work and currently is in Liberia (for just a short time).  Our third son, Joel, graduated with a degree in mechanical engineering in May and is going back for a masters degree in biomedical engineering (with a full ride scholarship and teaching assistantship position.)  And our daughter, Elizabeth, just moved into her dorm room at college, after graduating from high school this spring.

Are we proud?  Absolutely.  Is the role of parenting over and we can claim complete success?  Definitely not.  But you have to stop at some points in life and rejoice in the progress made so far.

But with the pride also comes pain.  Being successful as parents, raising “independent functional adults” (plus some other character qualities, also involves a fair amount of loss.  Let me outline some of the losses we are experiencing:

• Loss of communication. When kids move away, they aren’t there for dinner anymore (not as often, at least).  You don’t see them before they go to school, or when they come home in the evenings.  The opportunity for daily life small interactions diminishes significantly.
• Loss of connectivity.  Once they are out of the home (and gradually before then) they are living their own lives.  They have their own activities (which you generally don’t attend like you did their soccer games or school concerts).  They get to know lots of people you don’t know.  Your lives become more separate and less connected (which is good and necessary, but still hurts sometimes.)
• Loss of being needed on a daily basis.  Many parents are actively involved in their children’s lives daily for years and decades.  Moms who have the privilege of being at home with the children before the school years are especially attuned to this issue.  At different stages in life, this issue becomes more poignant — when your oldest goes to their first day of school; when each child leaves to go to college; and when your youngest moves out.
• Loss of role and identity.  Closely related to the “not being needed on a daily basis” issue, is the loss of role and identity which can also occur.  Some of us, as parents, seeing being a parent as one our primary roles and callings in life.  When the more active stage of in-home parenting is over, the question: “What do I do with my time and energy now?” can come to the forefront.
• Loss of togetherness.  As your children get older, it is tougher to get time together as a total family.  We have experienced this (this last week five of us got together for a family vacation, but Daniel couldn’t make it since he is in Liberia), but have been able to have brief flecks of time all together.  Family gatherings without everyone there is bittersweet — you enjoy the time with whoever can make it, but you also have a sense of lack of completeness when one or more are missing.

When we talk with friends whose children are younger than ours, they often say:  “I don’t know if I will be able to survive that.”  But, like lots of life, you somehow get ready for the next stage by the time you get there.  The transitions are tough, and painful (for us, at least).  But the accompanying pride, joy of seeing your children “fly” on their own, and the wonder about the opportunities before you dampen the pain somewhat.

We’ll see what’s next!

Part of my job as a psychologist is to observe — observe patterns of behavior, be attune to my own thoughts and feelings, and to derive some potentially helpful information form patterns I see. In recent months and weeks, I have observed some factors in life that really wear people down — they are not really hidden but are often subtle. Sometimes they are obvious and plain, but people (both the person experiencing the aspect of life as well as those around them) tend to minimize the impact of the issue on their life.

So let me share some of my observations (remember, psychologists are often ‘masters of the obvious’!)

• Health issues and Chronic pain. Individuals who struggle with chronic pain are well aware of how even persistent low levels of pain can wear a person down. But those of us who are blessed not to have this struggle can experience this intermittently. Not too long ago my right ankle started bothering me — it was sore and swollen after I ran (using the term “run” loosely). I ignored it for a while but it persisted, so I finally decided to go have it checked out. After seeing my doc and then getting some tests, it turns out I have partially torn a tendon in my ankle. What has amazed me, however, is how this small injury and relatively mild level of pain can take a toll of my energy.
• Financial stress. Obviously, many in our country are experiencing significant stress in their lives due to a number of economic factors — loss of their job, reduction of hours and pay, foreclosure on their home. And the impact of these events on people’s lives is huge. But many, many other Americans are experiencing a lower level of financial stress that is more under the surface — wondering if they will continue to have a job in the coming months; lower cash flow that leads to deficiencies in their plans to pay for childcare, private school or college; or the family budget just being tighter on a month to month basis.
• Loneliness or Lack of Emotional Support. A chronic complaint I hear from many people is that they don’t feel connected to anyone. Yes, they may be married and have children — and they may even have a decent marriage relationship. But most people need more than one person with whom to connect, feel cared for, and have a sense of community. Teenagers, single young adults, stay-at-home moms with preschoolers, successful business people, older adults — all talk to me about their frustration in building meaningful, lasting relationships with others in their lives.
• Significant Life Changes. Late summer is one of the most transient times of the year — children are going to new schools, young adults are entering or returning to college, individuals who work in educational settings are staring new positions, graduates from last spring are still to figure out where they are going to work and live. Parents of college freshman may experience sending their first child to college — or their last (our situation) and looking at the issues related to being “empty- nesters”. Life change can be stimulating and exciting, and at the same time anxiety-producing.
• Relational Conflicts. All of us who have experienced (or are experiencing) relational stress understand both the emotional and physical toll living in conflictual relationships take. Physical symptoms can include sleep disturbance, headaches, fatigue, upset stomach, or back and shoulder tension. Recently, I had a professional relationship that created tension and turmoil in my life — and it just wore me out. It wasn’t even a major conflict, but an issue that took a while to address, and I could sense its impact on me daily.
• Lack of Purpose or Direction. When people don’t know “where they are going”, or if they don’t see a larger purpose for their life and what they are doing, not only can they become discouraged, but they also seem to become fatigued emotionally. They just drag throughout the day, and run out of energy doing regular daily life tasks. Seeing how today relates to the “big picture” of life seems to be important.

So what should we do with these non-surprising observations? I think there are at least two practical action steps that flow from the points.

First, take a self-inventory. How many of these factors are in your life currently? Does their presence help make some sense of your recent lack of energy and tiredness? If so, acknowledge these stressors present in your life. Give yourself some slack. Regroup and assess what steps you need to take to either address the stressors or to manage your life better while they are present.

Secondly, be aware of those around you. See if the people in your life (family members, friends, co-workers, classmates) have these issues going on in their lives. Be gracious and supportive to them. Be a friend. Be patient with them if they aren’t “performing” up to their normal functioning (whether it’s at home, work or elsewhere).

Life is tough; sometimes more than other times. Hang in there. We are all in this together (we really are). If you are doing ok, help somebody else out.  It will be your turn eventually.

This past week we had the privilege of attending a family union with my wife’s family in Chicago.  There were almost 40 of us, ranging in age from 3 to 74, including my wife’s parents, six of the seven adult siblings (and spouses), and 23 of the 25 grandchildren (and two spouses).  Although it was a cool and sometimes rainy Memorial Day, we had a grand time together.

What made it especially enjoyable was reconnecting with each family member — seeing how they are still the same person they were a few years ago, how the younger family members have changed and developed their unique abilities, and hearing about plans for the future (it was also fun to retell some funny incidents from past gatherings). But what was most fun for me was to play together (or watch others play).  We played whiffleball (where I experienced the classic American tradition of pulling a muscle while running from first base to second).

Some enjoyed just “hanging out” together, but we all delighted in the homemade ice cream.

Just a couple of observations I want to note.  Although family reunions seem to have a negative connotation in our culture, I believe they can be a wonderful celebration of loving relationships, caring for one another, and the heritage of one’s family.  As part of the Sawyer clan, we are blessed to having loving parents, siblings, in-law’s, and cousins — and it is a joy to feel supported in your life’s journey as well as give encouragement to others.

Family reunions provide an opportunity to reflect on how we are the same — our common values, similar talents, and how we look alike (well, how they look alike).

But we also are able to see and celebrate how we are different — from different generations, how individual families differ, and the unique giftings each person has. It seems that healthy families value their commonalities but also cherish the uniqueness of each person.

As we often talk about the importance of ongoing communication and relationships among families who own businesses, it is clear that getting together as a large family unit is important, valuable and enjoyable whether or not a shared business is involved or not.

If you haven’t had a large family gathering in a while, think about planning one.  Start with whoever can attend (don’t wait for everyone to be able to come — it will rarely happen).  Keep it short.  Have good food.  And play together.  It can be a great time!

Often, when talking to senior generation members within a family, we discuss how to transfer one’s values to the next generations.  Sometimes we are talking with parents in their 30’s, 40’s and early 50’s who are still raising their children and teenagers at home.  Other times we are talking to 50-60 year olds with young adult children out of the home.  And many times we are talking to older adults, from mid-60’s to 80’s who have the opportunity to impact their grandchildren’s lives.

Many times the term “mentoring” is used — the process of teaching and modeling various life principles in relationship to a younger family member.  Typically, I find that, although grandparents and parents of adult children want to mentor the next generations, most of the time that don’t really know what that looks like practically.  [In fact, part of the coaching I do with families is to help the senior generation explore this issue, develop a specific plan for mentoring their grandchildren, and help bring resources and structure to the process.]

As a parent of four older “children” (17 to 25 years old), I have had plenty of opportunities to make mistakes in the parenting process (my children would be glad to give some examples!)  And, as I look back over my life, I can see ways that I tried to teach or train various skills and character qualities that didn’t work so well (and I see other parents repeating my mistakes).

One basic mistake is to primarily drag them along with what I am doing and try to teach during this experience.  I say “primarily” because I do think there are times when children / grandchildren can (and should) “tag along”, and they can learn during this process.  This can include running errands, going shopping, working in the yard, doing projects around the house, helping someone else out, going with their parents to meetings or events of interest to the parent.  However, if this is the primary modality of teaching, I think the young person will lose interest, resent coming along, and eventually “shut down” relationally.

Generally speaking, I think it is far better to find ways to “enter into” your child’s or grandchild’s life — come along side and find a way to participate in what they enjoy and are interested in.

I see this even with really young children - two to five year olds.  Many times parents [read: dad’s] and grandparents want to “play with” the young child — but the adult wants to structure the activity in a way they think is best, or try to get the child to do something the adult thinks is a “good” educational activity (or something that will be “good for them”) rather than just getting on the floor and playing what the child wants to in the way the child wants to.  And then everyone gets frustrated when the child won’t do it the way the adult wants, or loses interest.

This occurs in school-aged children, and clearly with teens.  One way many dads try to “enter in” is by coaching the student’s sports team.  And that can be a really great way to experience life together — but it can also be a disaster if the parent becomes more focused on success / winning / achievement than on being together in the experience.

One approach we have had to parenting is to try to do fun things with our kids and invite their friends to come along — that way we get to know their friends, we get to observe how our kids interact and treat their friends, and we can have more input on what’s happening.  We had the opportunity to take kids waterskiing, have them to our place for bonfires or playing “Capture the Flag”.  And I happen to be known in our school circles as the dad who takes his teens out to “T.P.” or “fork” their friends (or teacher’s) homes.

The past few weeks I had the unique opportunity to participate in a high school musical production with my daughter, Lizz, who had a lead role.  Being in musicals is one of her favorite activities (and I had done some in high school and colllege), and when the director mentioned they needed an adult male for a cameo part, I thought it could be a neat way to “enter into” that part of her life for a while.  And it was.  I got to know a number of her friends better.  She and I had a shared life experience — including the anxieties of learning our lines, the joys and laughter during rehearsals, the spontaneous things that happen — and that you can only experience by “being there”, and the satisfaction of a performance well done.
Doing activities with your children and grandchildren is extremely rewarding — but is also costly — it takes time and you have to give up other activities or priorities in your life (remember, you can’t do everything).  But I think most parents and grandparents who make the investment, believe it was well worth it — we’ll have to wait to ask the kids and grandkids to see how it impacted them.

So, next time you are thinking about character development and training for the next generations in your family, I would encourage you to ask yourself:

How can I enter into what they are doing or interested in and have an impact by coming along side them?

A much talked about issue in the area of wealth transfer and family business succession is the desire to “transfer our values to the next generations”.  This is a valiant goal and one which should be true for every family regardless of wealth status — training your children and grandchildren in ways that they will instill values that are important to you.  Really, the heart of the matter is not just to teach them values which are important to you, but to teach them principles and ways of thinking that will help them be successful in life.

“Values”, after all, are ultimately relative — and I would argue that some values are more ‘valuable’ in life than others.  For example, the values of “appearing successful” or “having others think well of you” can actually lead to choices and patterns of behavior that can become self-destructive.  Whereas the values of “treating others with dignity” and “conducting all business matters with utmost integrity” are principles for behavior that I believe are more foundational and will lead to positive results in one’s life.

Many families are enamored with the idea of creating a list of their family’s core values and / or developing a family mission statement (most families, I believe, are interested in doing this because they’ve heard it is something they should do if they are going to be a successful family).  And I think these can be helpful action steps within the larger process of actively talking about the family’s core values. [In fact, one of the services I provide professional is to lead families through these processes.]

But a key question I ask families is: “How are values transferred to the next generations?”  The most common answer is — by observation.  And this is true.  Children and grandchildren observe older family members and take cues on how they should behave from them.  But, as I often tell parents of young children — children are excellent observers but they often are poor interpreters.  They watch us and see what we are doing, but they often misinterpret the actions and even more frequently misinterpret the purpose or reason behind the action.  As a result, learning by observation by itself is a poor teacher.

Modeling behavior (including choices made, and the values which they represent), I believe, must also be accompanied by verbal explanation — both of what we are doing and also why we are choosing this action.

We have an old family story that one of my grandmothers always cut off the end of a pot roast before putting it in the roasting pan and baking it in the oven.  When asked by her daughter why she did this, she replied: “Because you are supposed to — that is how my mother cooked her pot roast.”  She later found out that her mother cut off the end because her roasting pan was small and the typical roast would not fit in the pan!

Similarly, I believe it is critical for parents and grandparents (and aunts and uncles) to verbal communicate what is important to them and why these beliefs or principles undergird how they live life.  (On the lighter side, the holidays provide a rich opportunity for family members to ask about various family traditions — where they came from and why do we do them?)

An excellent way to share important principles and values is through storytelling.  Although listing principles in bullet form works well in articles and books, that is not typically how we talk conversationally (although some family members who are instructors may say: “Let me tell you three reasons why … First, …  Second, … and finally, ..”  But most of us don’t have to endure such mini-lectures.)

Stories are excellent communicators of values because they have several engaging characteristics:

• They are personal.
• They can be quite engaging and entertaining.
• They use real life examples to show the benefits of good choices and the consequences of poor choices.
• They (when told by a good storyteller) involve one’s thoughts, emotions, and sensations.
• They are easily remembered.

This past week our four adult children have been home for the Christmas holiday.  We have attempted to tell various stories about earlier events in our lives — to help them learn (both positively and by our mistakes) from our life experiences.  Additionally, I spent some time with my mother, who grew up during the Great Depression, and asked her to tell me lessons she learned during that time.  In addition to a few principles, she also related a variety of family stories that helped communicate some of the ways our family survived during the Depression (e.g. family members helped one another out).

Most people, when I mention the idea that they should use time together with their family to tell some stories, reply: “Oh, I’m not a good storyteller” or “I wouldn’t know what to talk about.”  So let me give you some ideas for story “starters”.  Talk about:

• Memories you have about your grandparents — things you used to do with them.
•   Character qualities or talents you remember about your parents or grandparents.
•   Something special you remember getting or doing on your birthday when you were growing up.
•   Vacations you went on as a child and any memorable events that occurred on them.
•   What Christmas was like when you were little — what were the traditions at your grandparents’ homes?
•   How you met your spouse; about your dating / courtship / engagement; the early years of your marriage — where did you live, what kind of work did you do?
•   Some jobs you had when you were younger — including positive lessons and negative experiences.
  

Another way of approaching the storytelling is to think of values and principles which are core to you, and which you believe would be valuable for your children and grandchildren by which to live their lives (honesty, hard work, frugality, kindness, humility).  Then think of a family member who embodied that value and tell your family a story about that person and how they demonstrated that characteristic.

As we complete this year and look forward to the New Year, and as you have time together with family, I’d like to encourage you to actively think how you can teach them something of value — tell them a story that will help them learn valuable ways of living.

This is the time of year when families gather together – college students are on break, young adults return home to visit, and the extended family celebrates Christmas and New Year’s together.*

So it is also the time when parents who have been successful in business turn their focus to their family. This is both a good thing and it creates difficulties. It is generally good for parents to engage relationally with their family; unfortunately, for some this is an infrequent occurrence due to their focus on work (or hobbies). But when we try to “re-enter” into the family relationally, the style and manner in which we do so can create tension, discomfort, and result in conflict.

Having grown up in a family owned business with a father who was an extremely hard worker, but who also cared about his family, we would experience this pattern. Through the year dad would work long hours, and my mom was the primary conductor of family matters. (This is not to say that he wasn’t involved at all, but until later in his business life, she had the primary responsibility of interacting with the kids regarding our daily affairs.) But around the Christmas holidays, dad would refocus and engage at a higher level in family matters. And, right or wrong, this pattern has largely continued in my own nuclear family.

So, both from observing and experiencing this pattern as a child, and now as a parent, I have seen some ways that “parent re-entry” can go better, or not so well. Let me share some of these observations.

Leading a family is different than leading a business. In business, there is a formal hierarchy with established patterns of communication and decision-making. In family matters, the structure, communication patterns and decision-making procedures are more fluid – largely influenced by which family members are involved and the specific areas of discussion or decision – and obviously, tend to be more relational. As a result, “top down” communication and decision-making that many business owners and executives try to transfer to the family doesn’t go over well (in some families, this is a extreme understatement.) The implication? Don’t try to run family meetings during the holidays like you run business meetings.

Influence is largely a factor of the quality of the relationship in families. Many parents want to utilize the time with their children and grandchildren to communicate important information – their goals and desires for the family, what is important to them, principles they want their children to live by. And this is good. However, the method by which this is done can “backfire”. If the parent does not currently have a positive relationship with the child (or whoever the family member is), the message will, at best, be ignored, and more probably may create a response of anger, resentment or disdain. I would suggest the following:

a) Spend individual time with family members. Talk with them, listen to them, ask them about their lives: what they are excited about, what they are learning, what are some challenges they are facing.

b) Share personal stories about your life. Rather than give a lecture (along with a handout) with your “five core principles for life”, share stories about experiences you have had and possibly the lessons you learned (sometimes the principles are better left unsaid). Think about what makes a good story: build the context, focus on the people involved, share sensory experiences (what it looked, sounded, smelled like), and share your thoughts and feelings throughout the experience.

c) Be aware that you may first need to rebuild relationships with others before they are going to be willing to receive input from you. If you haven’t ever read it, read The Five Love Languages by my friend, Dr. Gary Chapman. Then discuss it with the family member and see in what way love is best communicated to them. Then do it!

When planning activities for the family, give options and choices. Let the family give their input on what they would like to do and how they would like to spend the time together. Although your ideas may be great (and I am sure they are, just like mine are), they may not be what the others in your family want to do. If you want to have positive “family time”, then it makes sense that the family should be able to choose what would be fun for them.

I hope these suggestions will help your time together with your family over the holidays to be fun, positive and lead to significant interactions with those whom you love.

Merry Christmas!

Paul

*Note: This is a reprint of this posting from December 2007.  However, I received so many personal comments and emails from people who appreciated it and forwarded it to others, I decided to post it again.

I have had a number of situations recently where I have been involved in family situations where two members of a couple have come from significantly different levels of financial resources.

The following are more in the category of “in process” observations — thoughts and reflections that I have that are still developing and not fully complete yet.

• Coming from different financial backgrounds is a relatively common occurance for couples.  Why?  It is really statistical in nature.  There are more individuals who come from middle, upper middle, and even fairly high income families — as opposed to the number of individuals who come from ultra high net worth families.   So there is clearly a higher probability that someone from an ultra high net worth family will find a life partner from a lower financial situation than their family’s.
• No matter how functional the individuals are, or how healthy the relationship is, there will be significant challenges experienced.  Long-term relationships are difficult.  And being (or becoming) a healthy, responsible adult is no easy task.  When individuals come from significantly different personal and family backgrounds (regardless of the types of difference — ethnic/cultural, religious, educational, SES), this creates challenges for the couple to understand each other’s perspectives and worldviews.  This, in turn, creates difficulties in communicating clearly, not jumping to incorrect assumptions, and being able to empathize with your partner.
• Relationships with in-law’s (parents-in-law, siblings-in-law) and other extended family members are the source of much of the tension experienced.  This is not to paint in-law’s or extended family members as the “bad guys” in the situation, but the fact of the matter is: expectations from your spouse’s family (and the resulting “in the middle experience” of the spouse) are the starting point for many conflicts.  Expectations about holidays, vacations, your career pathway, where you live, how you raise your kids — all are deeply rooted in one’s financial status and resources.  So when individuals within a couple come from significantly different financial backgrounds, tensions arise in these daily life decisions.
• What is “no big deal” to one person (or family) can definitely be a “big deal” to another person (or family) — and the resolution of the different perceptions has nothing to do with logic.  Family values, traditions, and ways of being have little to do with logic.  When (or whether) you open Christmas presents; how you celebrate birthdays; the amount of money you spend on clothes, fireworks, sporting events, cars or art; the need to attend a great aunt’s birthday party — none of these decisions are purely logical.  They are influenced by personal experience, family history, individual preferences and probably lots of other things.  As a result, trying to convince another person that what is important to them really isn’t that important usually doesn’t work.  The best response is to listen intently to what the other person is saying, try to understand their worldview to the best of your ability and accept (and affirm) that what is important to them is important to them (even if you don’t understand why.)

There is a lot more that could be said — and many of you just had a bunch of personal stories triggered in your memories (share them, if you wish).  Let’s stop there for now.

Have a great week!

I have observed a common pattern across many areas that I work (and live) — people avoiding dealing with tense or conflictual situations in their relationships with others. And almost always, not dealing with the situation creates additional problems or makes the conflict larger and more intense (often involving more people than were originally involved).

And it happens it lots of settings:

• in family businesses, between family members working together
• in office settings, between coworkers who can’t get a long
• in marriages, between spouses
• in extended families, between parents-in-law and their children’s spouse
• in schools, between teachers and parents of the students
• in wealthy families, between siblings who are inheriting wealth
• and on and on.

Now, I am not going to try to address all the issues relevant to conflict in relationships, that would require a book (or two). But let’s look at some core concepts.

First, why do people often try to avoid conflict? I think there are lots of potential reasons, but let’s identify a few.

1. Many people do not like emotionally-charged situations, and they feel if they raise the issue underlying the conflict, emotions will get out of control.
2. Most people don’t like others to act or communicate in an angry way towards them, and will almost anything to avoid this type of interchange.
3. Some individuals believe that, in conflict, someone must either “be wrong” or have done something wrong, and they don’t want to be accused of this.
4. Most of us, when we have done something wrong, don’t like admitting it or apologizing for our error.

The problem is — not dealing with conflict in a situation doesn’t make it go away. In fact, frequently, things get worse. When there is tension between two people, or when there is a relational break (that is, the two people are not communicating much at all, if any) — not dealing with the issue creates additional problems, including:

• Others notice the tension and it makes them feel uncomfortable.
• Communication between the two individuals becomes minimal and ineffective.
• Other people get pulled into the conflict, and often begin to “take sides”.
• The people involved in the conflict experience a lot more emotional tension in their lives, with their emotions “building up”, and often spilling over into other areas of their lives.
• The relationship becomes more and more distant, sometimes to the point of total cut-off between the two parties.

Now, I am not suggesting, that if you are in the midst of a conflict in one of your relationships, you should run out and “deal with it”. Why? Because most people who have the habit of avoiding conflict don’t have very good success at resolving conflictual situations on their own — they don’t haven’t been practicing how to deal with conflict in their daily lives (we all have it, you know), they have misbeliefs about what should be done (”we just need to sit down and talk it out”), and they may not have the skills to deal with the situation effectively.

So what should you do?

First, take stock of your relationships and see if there are any that currently have significant tension or conflict that is getting in the way. Admit to yourself that there is a relationship that needs attention.

Second, observe how the tension in your relationship is affecting your life and those around you. For you to seriously consider dealing with the situation, you are probably going to need to be convinced that the conflict is creating problems in your life. You may want to ask those close to you in the situation (coworkers, family members) how the tension affects them (don’t ask it in a way where you are looking for support for your position in the conflict).

If possible, seek some help from someone who can help you deal with the conflict in the relationship in a positive way. Get some counsel from someone you admire and observe that they seem to be able to address relational tensions in their lives in a healthy way. Sometimes it may be beneficial to talk to a professional counselor, business coach, or facilitator — to help you and the other person meet together to resolve the issues creating the conflict.

Do some reading that can help you grow in dealing with conflicts in your life. Whatever the conflict you are currently experiencing, if you are a habitual “conflict avoider”, be assured this will not be the last difficult relational situation you have to deal with — there will be more. So it would be wise to start to grow in your ability to deal with tensions in relationships in a healthy way. There is a great book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most that a number of my clients have found to be quite helpful in guiding them through tough conversations they needed to have with someone in their life. Additionally, Lewis Smedes has written an excellent book, The Art of Forgiving, that is also extremely helpful.

I have conflict in relationships in my life (just ask those close to me), and I am still learning how to deal with those tensions in a healthier manner — I think we all can. Let’s just commit together to not let tensions in relationships fester to the point where they poison our lives — it will make all of our lives healthier.

Much of life is not magic or spectacular. As one of my friends says, “Life is daily.”

And when we look at the goals so many of us have –

• to be healthy physically – in shape and not overweight;
• to be moving toward financial independence;
• to have healthy family relationships – in our marriage, with our children, and among our extended family –

many of these goals are largely the result of daily actions and taking time each week to devote to these goals.

Exercising a few times a week, eating healthy and in moderation, and getting enough sleep – moves us toward physical health.

Working hard, spending less than you earn, using what you have versus buying something new, saving regularly, investing wisely, and learning to be content in your circumstances – leads toward financial independence.

Similarly, there are some foundational habits that lead toward healthy relationships in families. And in my work every week I see both: a) families (or family members) who say they want healthy relationships but consistently do not make the choices necessary to bring about the health they desire; and b) families who have strong, warm relationships with one another as a result of habits and structures they have built into their lives over the years (and continue to do so.)

This is true for young couples, young families with children, middle-aged parents with teens or young adults, senior parents with adult children and grandchildren, wealthy families and those lesser financial means.

Let’s look at some of those patterns.

1. Spending regular time to be in touch with each other’s daily lives. This will look differently depending on the life stage of the family. It may mean talking or emailing a couple times a week (for families with children out of the home), eating dinner together regularly, taking walks together in the evening and catching up on the day’s events.

2. Having regular leisure time together. Again, the format will differ. This might mean going on a camping trip once a year. Doing leisure activities together occasionally – playing golf, fishing, going shopping, going to a concert, playing cards or a board game, or eating out together – hopefully an activity that allows for interaction during the event.

3. Taking time to have significant conversations about meaningful topics. It is difficult to have “deep” conversations spontaneously – the circumstances rarely work out right (the other person is distracted, there are kids around, someone interrupts the time, etc.) I find that people who want to have significant conversations with others plan for them. They think through what they want to talk about; they let the other person (or persons) know they would like to set aside some time to talk; and they schedule a time and an appropriate place.

It is important to note that this is true in a variety of relationships: couples; parents / kids & teens; senior adults and their adult children; and extended families (matriarch/patriarch to the rest of the family).

4. Being available to listen when others want to talk. (By the way, this is my biggest personal deficit area.) One of the key components to healthy relationships, seemingly especially with school-age children and teens, is being available when the other person has a need to share what is on their heart. This is one of the benefits of moms being home after school when kids get home, the “travel time” to / from school and activities, running errands together, cooking meals together, or working on projects together.

Unfortunately, most of us who are in the parent role tend to focus more on what we want to communicate to our kids, and often do not ask enough questions and just listen (guilty as charged).

5. Working through tensions, miscommunication, and conflict. Healthy families realize that no one is perfect, that miscommunications happen, it best to work to resolve a conflict rather than avoid it, and forgiving others when you have been wronged works a lot better than holding a grudge. So much hurt, pain, and damaged relationships could be avoided if families would realize that problems occur in family relationships and it is best to take proactive steps to deal with them.

If I could make one request from many of the families that I meet (often in passing) – do yourself and your family a favor: build some foundational habits and structures in your family’s life that will foster healthy, close relationships that you will enjoy for years. I will close with a number of specific action steps you could take (depending on your life stage):

• Sit down at the dinner table at least 3 times a week and eat dinner together, including some conversation about your day.
• Hang out with your kids, either in their room or in your bedroom, at the end of the day and chat about the day.
• Take a walk with your spouse after dinner and hear about their day.
• Call or email your college-age or young adult and ask them what they are looking forward to in the coming weeks.
• Schedule a family gathering for the extended family to get together, share a meal and hang out (keep it simple; it is more likely to happen, and don’t make it mandatory that everyone is able to attend before you schedule it.)
• Have an annual family meeting to communicate how the business has done this past year, what new projects came about, challenges encountered, and the plans for this coming year (keep it global and topical, don’t share specific financial information.)
• Offer to help your adult child on a project they need help on. Let them run the project; don’t offer unasked for advice, and just be their helper.
• Think of your own application of these principles, and write it down here: __________________________________________.

Have fun!

I don’t mean to sound snub or condescending but, in a lot of ways, having healthy relationships is not that big of deal. Having positive relationships doesn’t have to be as difficult as people want to make it.
I often tell my friends (and sometimes, my clients) that the work I do is not rocket science. Helping families and business families “get along” is not that tough, from a conceptual point of view. The concepts are fairly straightforward.

But the real challenge is in the implementation — in getting individuals and families to do (regularly) those behaviors and tasks that build health in relationships, and to minimize those actions that damage relationships. And, being forthright, it is in the area of implementation that I am worth my weight in gold (ok, maybe not that much — I weigh a fair amount and gold is at $1,000 an ounce.) Probably the one thing I do best is help families do what they should being doing.

Recently, I have been working with some families who are good people, who mean well and have good intentions, but some of them do what they are supposed to occasionally, others practice positive patterns but inconsistently, and some seem afraid to do what is right (almost strictly out of the fear of conflict.)

I previously have written about the six steps to positive relationships, so I won’t repeat those principles. I have some other observations I want to share here.

First, it is amazing to me to see individuals and families who say they want to have good relationships with one another, but they seem to rarely spend any time together. This is true for parents with children living at home, adults who are brothers and sisters, or extended families. Everyone is “busy” (the apparently acceptable excuse for almost anything in our culture). Ok, so let me put it to you bluntly: If you want to have a healthy relationship with another person, it helps (a lot) to spend time with them regularly.

Time is good. But spending time together watching TV, sports on TV, or movies/DVDs is not really going to build your relationship a lot. Talking is good. Talking about something meaningful in your life is better. It is a good start to with sharing about events in your daily life. But you can go to a deeper level if you share about what you are thinking about the future or the challenges you are facing in your daily life. If you are really brave, you might venture into the area of politics, religious / spiritual beliefs, or where you think our country or the world is heading.

There are three intertwined characteristics that I repeatedly observe in healthy families. If you have one of the three, it is helpful; two of the three is really quite good; and if you are “three for three” I am convinced you and your family will enjoy each other for a long time.

Accepting differences, and understanding that disagreeing doesn’t mean someone is necessarily wrong, is a great attribute.

Being able to resolve conflicts in a non-damaging manner is huge.

Forgiving others and learning to “let go” and move on is at the heart of healthy relationships.

Look at the converse of each of these and you will see what I mean. Think about a family (or a relationship) where everyone has to be, act, think, dress or believe the same in order to be OK. Early in a family’s life, this can look ok, but the fabric quickly unravels — because people in family’s are different — they think, act, dress and value things differently. So either you learn to accept, and embrace, the value of differentness or you blow relationships apart.

One of the most common patterns I see that creates major problems in families is their unwillingness or inability to confront one another in a way that allows the relationship to continue. More frequently, families “avoid” confrontation (they don’t actually avoid it, it actually either goes underground, builds up and blows, or goes through indirect channels). Often my role is to help family members sit down and talk about concerns they have with each other and attempt to facilitate the discussion in a manner that both feel “heard” and allows the opportunity to dialogue and problem-solve about the situation. (NOTE: being ok with the other person thinking, acting or believing differently than you is key.)

Families who live without forgiving one another are filled with hurt, anger, resentment and broken relationships. Let’s face it — we all screw up (some of us more than others) and many of us have deeply hurt those close to us. Unfortunate, but true. And I don’t know of any real way someone can “make it up to” another person — either through compensatory actions, apologizing, or admitting they were wrong. The bottom line need is the ability for the offended and hurt to “let it go” and move on. Otherwise, the relationship will always be tainted by “Yea, but you …”

I’m sure there are other aspects we could add, but realistically speaking if you:

*Spend time together
*Talk about meaningful topics
*Accept the other person as being different from you (and that is ok)
*Choose to deal with conflicts constructively
*Forgive others when they hurt you

Then you are going to have a darn good relationship. Not that tough, conceptually. Living it out is a challenge, no doubt. But give it a try. You can do better than you have been, I bet. We all can.

(By the way, it won’t be that helpful to print this out or send it to someone in your family and say “Here are some things you should work on” [or some other more indirect wording]. Rather, work on yourself. That’s the place to start.)