One of the most common themes I have seen in relationships between older adults and their children (who are now adults themselves) is how the kids (although they are 25, 30, even 40 and beyond) still act like “kids”. And part of this is because their parents continue to come to their rescue when their children make poor choices.

Parents want their children to be “happy” and, as a result, mistakenly intervene in their children’s lives when they should “let them be” and learn from their mistakes. Here are three additional skills required for healthy parent-adult child relationships.

Set appropriate roles and boundaries

In most families, some clear agreement exists as to the appropriate boundaries for parents and their young children. But when those children reach young adulthood, new definitions of roles and boundaries must evolve. Parents are bound to encounter problems if they attempt to set limits on the behavior of an adult offspring–unless these actions are directly affecting the parents. Providing choices with associated consequences is also usually inappropriate. In healthy adult relationships, the role of parent shifts from that of an authority figure to that of an advisor. If the role does not change, frustration and rebellion can be the result. This often leads a child to distance himself from his parents, or, conversely, perpetuates an ongoing parent-child relationship that continues an unhealthy, childlike dependency.

Allow family members to make choices and experience the consequences

In families in which children have not been required to accept responsibility for their actions while growing up, and their lives have been cushioned by their parents’ wealth and power, the development of personal responsibility is delayed. As these children become older, parents will find it more and more difficult to break this pattern. We have seen many wealthy second- and third- generation adults who have been propped up by parents, and who appear successful. But they are not able to sustain purposeful careers or relationships on their own. This often leads to severe dysfunctional patterns, including a wide range of addictive behaviors. Occasionally, and usually with the help of a professional counselor, the younger adult family members are allowed to experience the consequences of their choices–without their parents rescuing them. After a challenging and seemingly dark period, the child’s strengths begin to emerge, and the young adult begins to develop his true potential. Ironically, this potentially will remain wholly undeveloped unless parents withdraw their support.

Separate love and acceptance from competence and responsibility

In many highly successful families, parents unwittingly communicate that their love and acceptance is tied to their child’s performance and achievement. While it is important to raise children with a sense of personal competence and responsibility, family members need to know that they are loved and accepted regardless of what they do. This is a difficult balance to achieve. In fact, many individuals, even as older adults, are still striving to gain their parents’ acceptance and approval. In and adult-to-adult parent-child relationship, there are often opportunities for family members to have meaningful conversations about their relationship and to affirm their love for one another, apart from what they have achieved in life. In fact, many adult offspring who have made poor choices in their lives are able to begin a new, healthier path when they truly experience their parents’ affection in spite of their past mistakes–the effects can be powerful and healing. In the strongest families, love and acceptance are extended to everyone, regardless of circumstances.

Parenting adult offspring is challenging in ways that are unique to the generations living today. People are living longer, more robust lives than those of previous generations, while geographical distance and mobility have diffused relatives and their relationships. In many families, it is the transfer of wealth that has become an important focus of their relationships. This inevitably affects the relational dynamics between parents and their adult children.

While parenting when children are young has its inimitable challenges, the transition to healthy relationships between parent and child when both are adults can be equally difficult. We can all take the lead in our families by reviewing and revising our own roles and boundaries, in tuning up our communication practices and working to extend trust and love. We can stretch to take the high road in life’s many decisions–making many uncomfortable compromises–and learn to focus on ways to love and accept one another regardless of life’s circumstances.

The dynamics between parents and their kids changes as both get older — this is true when children move from toddlers to school-age to teens and beyond. It is especially true when they become adults.

Here are some new skills needed in these adult-adult relationships (from article, “The New Generation Gap” in the July edition of Worth).

To a great extent, the skills needed to parent adult offspring well are the same as the same as the skills needed for parenting young children as well. These skills, however, must be applied in new ways as children age, as a relationship shifts from that as a caregiver and child to that of two adults. This move to adult-to-adult interaction, within the context of an ongoing parental relationship, presents the most challenging dilemma for many families. We have identified specific tactics for smoothing this transition.

Establish healthy communication patterns

The rules of healthy communication are deceptively simple. For example, the primary rule–speak for yourself– seems as if it should be as natural as breathing. But many unhealthy variations abound. The second rule–listening to others–is likewise much more difficult to master than it appears. In many families, true, active listening is a rare commodity. There are other communication skills that are vital to building strong bonds: avoid criticizing, belittling or insulting others; remain in the present and jettison past offenses; and show respect for one another. They seem obvious, but many people find it all too difficult to follow these rules consistently.

Teach and learn appropriate assertiveness skills.

Assertiveness is the masterery of standing up for yourself and communicating your needs in a manner that minimizes the potential for offending the other person. The two most important components of assertiveness are 1) the well-crafted statement that offers several steps to address a recurrent problem, and 2) the practice of saying what you mean in the moment. Simply put, the ability to say “yes” if your response is yes, and “no” if your response is no. Assertiveness is a mainstay of healthy communication, but many adults struggle in applying these skills to their relationship with their parents. This is especially true when offspring fear reprisal from their parents, particularly the loss of financial support.

Actively build trust.

Trust is essential to any positive exchange between two people. In healthy relationships, building trust involves an ongoing process. The foundation of trust is the belief that the other person does not intend to harm you. Trust also requires acceptance, accountability and openness. In contrast, keeping secrets, denying accountability, acting irresponsibly, blaming others and attempting to exert control are patterns that damage trust and impair the building of healthy relationships.

One of the trends that has become obvious in our culture is the issue of relationships between older adults — let’s say anywhere from mid-40’s (although that’s not old!) to eighty and beyond — and their adult children. These “adult children” range from late teen’s thru the 20’s & 30’s to individuals who are 40 and into their 60’s (sometimes older!).

And we all know it is definitely weird to be “parented” when you are 40 years old. So recently, I coauthored an article which was just published in Worth magazine (www.worth.com) that addresses the challenges of developing healthy relationships between parents and their adult offspring. I was pleased to be able to write the article with my friend, Thayer Willis (www.thayerwillis.com).

Here are some thoughts from the article:

The demographics of the American family are shifting as our population ages, leaving many people, at a time when they should be enjoying their adult lives, instead struggling to with challenges that no other generation has faced.

Hapily, today’s parents are living longer and remaining healthier and more functional at older ages. Their presence in their family’s lives is expanding as they continue to be vitally engaged in managing their family’s finances, businesses and philanthropic efforts. But they also wrestle with how to “parent” their adult children and find appropriate ways to provide input and guidance to the younger family members-particularly when it comes to potentially thorny issues. Some parents expect their relationships with adult children to evolve into friendships, while others continue to relate to them as children.

Simultaneously, many young offspring are delaying independence from their parents. They frequently are not fully prepared for a career until reaching their mid-20s or even early 30s. Additionally, more young adults are returning home after completing college or having lived on their own. Some of them are expeted to– or expected to– work in a family enterprise run by a parent, which can further stifle independence and strain relationships.

These adult children commonly battle a range of conflicting thoughts. While they can feel overly controlled by their parents and resent any perceived intrusiveness, they can also feel embarassed by their lack of independence- particularly when dealing with finances. Naturally, this “next generation” also harbors concerns about their parents’ need for assistance from them as they age, as well as how to deal with their physical frailty and declining mental capabilities.

Meanwhile, adult children, both young and middle-age, recieve increasing amounts of direct financial assistance from their parents. This largesse takes many forms: annual gifts that can range from nominal awards to of $5,000 up into many digits; cash or its equivalent to help with buying a home; the opportunity to buy hand-me-down vehicles from parents; exotic family vacations underwritten by the parents, or tuition payments or saving plans for a grandchild’s private education. None of these gifts are innapropriate, in and of themselves. However, they do create new and different relational dynamics between parents and their adult children that must be carefully managed.

Paul