Unfortunately, when the issue of “character” is in the news today, the focus is usually on character failures — lack of integrity, marital unfaithfulness, greed and dishonesty. So to be able to talk about a man of good character is a privilege.

When thinking about the title of this entry, I was indecisive about whether it should be “To a Great Man of Character” or “To a Man of Great Character”. Obviously, I chose the latter — for two reasons. First, in the world’s eyes I don’t know if Spence Sawyer would be characterized as a “great man” — in the general terms of incredible success professionally or in terms of raw talent. Although he was talented in several areas and he was also quite successful in his profession, most who knew Spence focused on who he was as a person. So, the second reason I chose this title is because almost everyone who knew Spence would agree he was a man of “great character”. It was his character that impacted others, and most who knew him (including myself) found themselves wanting to emulate him.

Spence Sawyer died this week at the age of 78. He was born and raised in the suburbs of west Chicago and spent most of his adult life in this area, with a few years early in his professional life living in New Jersey while commuting to New York City. He was the father of seven children, whom he mentored and helped each obtain a private college education (no small feat financially, regardless of the era).

I want to highlight just a few of the character qualities that I first thought of when reflecting on Spence’s life:

Responsible. Responsibility was at the core of Spence’s being — shouldering the responsibility of leading his family and guiding his children, from childhood through adolescence and into their adult lives; taking responsibility to provide leadership in most of the organizations he was committed to (his church, his company [he worked for Illinois Bell and AT&T for forty years], the college he and many of his family members attended), and just in general daily life. If Spence saw something that needed to be done, he would make sure it got done.

Faithful. In his personal relationships, Spence was faithful to his wife, Ruth, of over 50 years, his children, grandchildren and his friends. Spence was “Mr. Reliable”. If he made a commitment, he kept it. You never had to wonder if he was going to show up; he was always there. He followed through on commitments made — in fact, you would never think of Spence not following through. He was rock solid. You wanted him on your team — and he was sought out by organizations because they knew he would help you achieve your goals.

Investing in others. I’m not sure of the best way to put this, or of a good singular term, but Spence gave his life in the service of others. He was not self-promoting. He did not seek positions of leadership — he was seen as a leader and asked to take leadership positions by those around him. After his retirement in the 90’s, he spent much of his time and energy meeting with others — teaching, mentoring, listening and encouraging. Interestingly, because of some early life experiences that impacted him significantly, Spence was reluctant to give advice to others — even when asked. But if you cornered him, you could get him to help you frame the problem and think through the issues you needed to consider. (The result of his investing in others will be seen next week at his memorial service where 800-900 people are expected to honor him and share in the celebration of his life.)

Laughter. From the previous descriptors, one might conclude that Spence was a stern, stodgy, “all work and no play” kind of guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Spence was one of the best story- and joke-tellers I have ever known, and he loved to laugh. In fact, one of my favorite memories is sitting with him at the kitchen table, having a bowl of ice cream and he would start telling some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. The problem was, he would start tearing up and laughing before he finished the joke — and you found yourself laughing and crying just because he was (and you weren’t exactly sure why)!

There are lots of other personal qualities that characterized Spence, some of which were so ingrained in who he was that you couldn’t think of him not exhibiting them (honesty, integrity, generosity). He was a man of deep spirituality who loved the God he served and who has left a legacy in the lives of those who knew him — that will endure for years to come. I know that I have been deeply impacted by his input into my life and I will miss him dearly. I had the privilege of knowing him for over 30 years, as the father of my wife. His leaving the life on this earth has caused me to seriously reflect on my life and my priorities.

I hope that I will also become a man of great character.

Often, when talking to senior generation members within a family, we discuss how to transfer one’s values to the next generations.  Sometimes we are talking with parents in their 30’s, 40’s and early 50’s who are still raising their children and teenagers at home.  Other times we are talking to 50-60 year olds with young adult children out of the home.  And many times we are talking to older adults, from mid-60’s to 80’s who have the opportunity to impact their grandchildren’s lives.

Many times the term “mentoring” is used — the process of teaching and modeling various life principles in relationship to a younger family member.  Typically, I find that, although grandparents and parents of adult children want to mentor the next generations, most of the time that don’t really know what that looks like practically.  [In fact, part of the coaching I do with families is to help the senior generation explore this issue, develop a specific plan for mentoring their grandchildren, and help bring resources and structure to the process.]

As a parent of four older “children” (17 to 25 years old), I have had plenty of opportunities to make mistakes in the parenting process (my children would be glad to give some examples!)  And, as I look back over my life, I can see ways that I tried to teach or train various skills and character qualities that didn’t work so well (and I see other parents repeating my mistakes).

One basic mistake is to primarily drag them along with what I am doing and try to teach during this experience.  I say “primarily” because I do think there are times when children / grandchildren can (and should) “tag along”, and they can learn during this process.  This can include running errands, going shopping, working in the yard, doing projects around the house, helping someone else out, going with their parents to meetings or events of interest to the parent.  However, if this is the primary modality of teaching, I think the young person will lose interest, resent coming along, and eventually “shut down” relationally.

Generally speaking, I think it is far better to find ways to “enter into” your child’s or grandchild’s life — come along side and find a way to participate in what they enjoy and are interested in.

I see this even with really young children - two to five year olds.  Many times parents [read: dad’s] and grandparents want to “play with” the young child — but the adult wants to structure the activity in a way they think is best, or try to get the child to do something the adult thinks is a “good” educational activity (or something that will be “good for them”) rather than just getting on the floor and playing what the child wants to in the way the child wants to.  And then everyone gets frustrated when the child won’t do it the way the adult wants, or loses interest.

This occurs in school-aged children, and clearly with teens.  One way many dads try to “enter in” is by coaching the student’s sports team.  And that can be a really great way to experience life together — but it can also be a disaster if the parent becomes more focused on success / winning / achievement than on being together in the experience.

One approach we have had to parenting is to try to do fun things with our kids and invite their friends to come along — that way we get to know their friends, we get to observe how our kids interact and treat their friends, and we can have more input on what’s happening.  We had the opportunity to take kids waterskiing, have them to our place for bonfires or playing “Capture the Flag”.  And I happen to be known in our school circles as the dad who takes his teens out to “T.P.” or “fork” their friends (or teacher’s) homes.

The past few weeks I had the unique opportunity to participate in a high school musical production with my daughter, Lizz, who had a lead role.  Being in musicals is one of her favorite activities (and I had done some in high school and colllege), and when the director mentioned they needed an adult male for a cameo part, I thought it could be a neat way to “enter into” that part of her life for a while.  And it was.  I got to know a number of her friends better.  She and I had a shared life experience — including the anxieties of learning our lines, the joys and laughter during rehearsals, the spontaneous things that happen — and that you can only experience by “being there”, and the satisfaction of a performance well done.
Doing activities with your children and grandchildren is extremely rewarding — but is also costly — it takes time and you have to give up other activities or priorities in your life (remember, you can’t do everything).  But I think most parents and grandparents who make the investment, believe it was well worth it — we’ll have to wait to ask the kids and grandkids to see how it impacted them.

So, next time you are thinking about character development and training for the next generations in your family, I would encourage you to ask yourself:

How can I enter into what they are doing or interested in and have an impact by coming along side them?

This past week the business editor of my local newspaper called and asked me to write a column for business leaders regarding the current financial turmoil.  The following is the article I wrote, and which can also be viewed at the newspaper’s website.

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Few current business leaders have had to navigate the turbulent waters of economic difficulties that we find ourselves in today. But we can learn from those who have studied accomplished leaders and identified characteristics of successful companies that have weathered difficult times.

Richard Peterson, who researches the neurological responses associated with financial decisions, says there is a difference between fear and panic. Fear is largely anticipatory — assessing potential risks. Panic is characterized by an urgent pressure to act immediately. In fact, Peterson clearly reports: “It takes tremendous effort and fortitude to ‘keep one’s cool’ when frightened.” Panic then can lead to poor decision-making.

Jim Collins, in his classic study “Good to Great,” proposes that one key characteristic of leaders of successful companies is the ability to confront the brutal facts yet never lose faith. He states, “You must maintain unwavering faith that you can and will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time have the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

In his best-selling book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” Stephen Covey identifies being proactive as the first core principle for successful individuals and business leaders. In difficult circumstances, he encourages leaders to ask: “What is our response? What are we going to do? How can we exercise initiative in this situation?”

Daniel Goleman, one of the foremost researchers of emotional intelligence, proposes that optimism is a core characteristic of successful leaders. Effective leaders “persist in seeking goals despite obstacles and setbacks,” and they “operate from hope of success rather than fear of failure.”

So how do effective leaders respond in times of uncertainty and fear?

• Assess the potential risks.  The critical factor is to try to accurately assess the reality of the risks. It is crucial to differentiate between facts (what do we really know) versus conjecture (what might happen). What are the risks posed to your organization? To the best of your ability, determine how reality-based the risks are.

Consider constructing an “if-then” decision-making tree regarding the risks you see. Arrange the options from “best case scenario” to “worst case scenario” (the likelihood of both extremes is usually small), with the scope of possible outcomes in between. Then try to identify the results that have a higher probability of occurring and what impact they could have on your organization.

• Determine strategies and actions that can manage the risks.   Individuals who focus on fear tend to stop at risk assessment. Leaders who are proactive seek to actively manage the situation and move to determining what steps can be taken to minimize the risk. “What can be done to minimize the probability of ‘x’ happening?” “If ‘x’ does happen, what can we do now to limit its negative impact on our company?”

• Look for potential opportunities.  In addition to assessing potential risks to the organization, successful leaders also scour the marketplace for potential opportunities to capture. Your key competitors may have difficulties because of cash flow issues or not be able to access credit needed to finish projects. There may be assets (property, machinery, inventory) that can be purchased at a steep discount for cash.

• Communicate proactively.  Lack of information increases anxiety. So take initiative to talk with your leadership team; let them know your thoughts and listen to their concerns. Communicate with your customers and your vendors; find out how current circumstances may affect them.

• Model courage and optimism.  A “we will figure this out” attitude is contagious. These are difficult times. But the opportunity exists to step up to the challenges we face by demonstrating courage and resiliency.

After being on the road for a week in California, I came home fairly tired. As the weekend progressed I seemed to get more tired — both emotionally and physically. And as I started dealing with home-related (e.g. lawn) and family matters, as well as getting caught up on some minor office work and then looking ahead to the beginning of next week, I started feeling emotionally overloaded. So I started taking a personal inventory of what was going on. I thought about my own advice I’ve given previously on different types of tiredness and different types of rest as well as what I have written about being overwhelmed and ways to try to keep your life balanced.So I reviewed key principles:

• Get rest. Check. I slept in on Saturday and took a nap today.
• Keep exercising. Check. I did some physical labor in the yard yesterday and I ran (figuratively speaking) today.
• Eat well. (Stay away from sugar, caffeine and junk food). Well, I didn’t totally blow it. Had some cake.
• Take a break and do something rejuvenating. Check. Went to a high school football game Friday night, spent time with Kathy, went for a walk in the woods, and watched the Jayhawks win in football.
• Prioritize — figure out what needs to be done now. Check. Went through my mail, email and incompleted work and figured out what had to be done now, what needs to be done Monday, and what can wait.

But it wasn’t working. I was still feeling quite stressed and emotionally overloaded. What was up? And then it hit me — the real issue was that I was carrying the weight of responsibility for things I really wasn’t responsible. I was stressed and feeling overwhelmed because I was concerned about things that weren’t really my responsibility. All the steps I had taken would have reduced my stress if I was just dealing with my regular responsibilities. But I was taking on additional issues that weren’t mine and they were stressing me out.

So once I realized: 1) what I was really stressed about; 2) that the issues weren’t my responsibility to take care of; and 3) I could quit worrying about things that weren’t mine to carry — then I began to feel more “normal” (at least, just normally tired).

So if you are stressed, you are doing the best you can to manage your stress, and you still feel overwhelmed — do
another check.

Are you taking on and carrying responsibility that is not yours to carry?

I love the 4^th of July holiday – largely because we have wonderful family “get togethers” that are a lot of fun (and we have done so for several years, which evoke a large number of fond memories for me.) And our family celebrations involve several traditions that I enjoy – being outside playing games (this year I was introduced to bocce), shooting fireworks, barbeque with great grilled meat, swimming and boating, and watching a large fireworks show (one of my great nieces asked “Why do we celebrate the Fourth of July with fireworks?” which led to a neat family discussion). So, almost always, the Fourth is a fun time (it was again this year!)

Celebrating the anniversary of our country’s Independence Day is also a great time to reflect on the numerous freedoms we have. This year I am especially aware of our freedoms in contrast to the lack of freedoms I have been exposed to in other countries.

• We have the freedom to live where we want. Yes, I live in Kansas and many people wonder why. Largely, our living in Kansas has to do with heritage and family proximity. But I love where I live – out in the country with trees, birds, wildlife, stars, and quiet. Good people. No traffic to speak of. Low property costs (which allows me to use my money on other things important to me.) And we are close enough to what we need and desire. (Being honest, the biggest downside of living in Kansas is the weather and lack of geographical features.) But if I wanted to move, I can (and have, previously living in the Chicago area, Phoenix, and Atlanta). Recently, I have become aware of reports from China where the government autocratically dictates that people must relocate. The government decides to build a new factory, to build a new dam for a river, and condemn the houses where people live. The people have no choice or recourse and they must move, with little, if any, compensation for their homes. Interestingly, several hundred thousand were reportedly displaced to build the Olympic stadium for this summer’s Olympic games, (quite an irony, obviously).
• We have the freedom to choose our own vocation. Although figuring out what we want to do with our lives vocationally is a huge challenge for young people in our country currently, it is a nice problem to have. Historically, individuals had little vocational choice due to the demands of economic survival and the cost of obtaining education or training (this is still true for the billions of people living at a subsistence level.) And in many countries, young people really have no meaningful choices for their careers – they either work as laborers in the local economy or they move to the local metropolis in search of higher paying jobs, and wind up taking whatever jobs are available (housecleaning, working in a factory). And in many countries, governmental regulations – along with the corruption and bribes needed – prohibit people from pursuing careers to meet the needs they see (not to mention the lack of economic resources).
• We have the freedom to speak our minds freely. Americans are known for “speaking their mind”, even if it is in ignorance. But, whether it is through the Internet, in personal conversations, writing an editorial to the newspaper, passing out leaflets or speaking at a public meeting, we have the freedom to share our thoughts, even if they differ from the current government authorities or from the majority culture. And we do not have to fear being imprisoned or for reprisal later (being visited after dark by the police or militia). I see the free flow of ideas and healthy discussion of different perspectives as a central process to our society monitoring itself. Recent reports from Zimbabwe and the essentially fake election there demonstrate freedom of speech (especially disagreement with the current government) is not respected there.
• We have the free to gather in groups publicly. This is obviously closely linked to the freedom of speech, but differs in an important way. If the populace becomes upset with some aspect of community life, we have the right to gather by the thousands, if we want, to make our voice known. Or we can gather to hear important speakers (less important in our age of technology), or meet to make plans of action.
• We have the freedom to choose our religious beliefs. Obviously, many of the early American settlers came to the country specifically for the desire of religious freedom — attempting to escape religious persecution (many Reformed Protestant groups such as the Pilgrims or Hutterites, or being forced to participate in the State-sanctioned religion [e.g. the Church of England]). Today religious persecution is rampant throughout the world; not only Islamic countries persecuting Christians such as Kazakhstan, Algeria, Yemen, and Tajikistan, but Muslims persecuting other Muslim sects throughout the Middle East, and the Hindu / Muslim conflict in India and Pakistan. Unfortunately, over the centuries Christians have also engaged in their own religious persecution as well (the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition).

But it occurred to me that our freedoms or closely related to, and deeply rooted in certain rights we have. I think one action step from this weekend is for me to reread the Bill of Rights (and at least summarize the points with my family). I am not big on “rights”, feeling many overemphasize their perceived individual “rights” without seeing the accompanying responsibilities that go with them. However, I am becoming increasingly attuned to the rights that we have as U.S. citizens, as dictated by our Constitution and Bill of Rights.

One foundational right I have become aware of is the right to own property. Hernando de Soto has written a wonderful book, The Mystery of Capitalism, which shows the necessity of owning property as the precursor for dealing with poverty in the developing world. If you cannot own property (not just land but any type of personal property), it inhibits your ability to be entrepreneurial and create business — because it can be taken away, and because you have no means of creating collateral to obtain a loan.

I am intrigued, however, to think through — what responsibilities go with the freedoms and rights that we have? That is, we have the right to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” (from the Declaration of Independence) — what responsibilities go with these rights?

I would love to hear your thoughts. (FYI - if you click on the title of this blog, it will connect you to a place where you can leave your comments; or you may go to www.drpaulwhite.com/blog and leave your comments there.)

Have a great week!

Fourth of July, Freedom, Gratitude, holidays, Responsibilities, Rights