This past Father’s Day was the first, as far as I can remember, since my oldest children (twins) were born 27 years ago that I was away from all of my children. I am on a business trip that carried over the weekend, so I am away from my family. On one hand, it was weird and lonely. On the other hand, I got to do some fun things (hike in N. California redwoods and go to a beach) and all of my children called and we had nice chats.

I’d like to share some thoughts about fathers, from a variety of perspectives.

First, a few thoughts about my own dad who died 15 years ago this summer — he was 71 years old and I was 37. My dad, Roger White, was a very bright, largely self-educated man. When I reflect on some of the core character qualities that he had, I think of:

*Provider — he took his role of providing for our family seriously, and strove to do the best he could for his children and grandchildren;

*Life long learner – my dad was always learning- about engineering, mechanical design, sailing, construction, investments, how things worked;

*Problem-solver — a common dinnertime discussion topic was a recent problem he had observed and his thoughts about different ways the problem could potentially be solved, and he encouraged us to be observant of problems that needed to be solved in the world around us;

*Giver — dad was generous to those around him - to mom, to the kids (and our spouses) and grandkids, to friends and those in need that he saw;

*Hard worker — this was a “given”, if you were a member of our family (nuclear or extended) you were a hard worker;

*Focused — this was both an asset and a liability for dad, he could become focused on an issue, problem or topic and it was tough to get him off of it.

I am thankful for the legacy he left to me and my children through his modeling of these character qualities.

A second perspective comes from the fact that I conducted a family meeting this past weekend that included a multi-generational discussion on the dynamics of relationships between parents and their adult children. And there were some interesting points made and comments during the discussion.

One of the themes we discussed was the roles and responsibilities of parents (both mothers and fathers) when children are growing up. These include the responsibility to:

nurture, protect, encourage, model, teach, discipline, entertain, transport, facilitate personal development,

provide - food, clothing, shelter & other resources, make decisions, train in social skills, expose to the larger world.

When the young adults in the room saw this list growing, they spontaneously commented: “Whoa! That is a lot of responsibility. I’m not sure I want to be a parent!”

Additionally, as we worked through the different stages of parent / child relationships (childhood, adolescence, adult children), we talked about the tensions of transition in different stages. One thought shared was that parents of adult children often are confused about how much input or counsel to give their children (and their spouses). Many parents don’t want to be overly involved or intrusive, and can actually “back off” too much where they become disengaged from their children’s lives. Other parents (the one more commonly portrayed in the media) can be overly involved, give too much advice (and too strong of advice, not allowing for differing views) and essentially are experienced as being intrusive. [We discussed ways to manage this tension — which you were there!]

Another interesting (to me) point was that one of the main things parents of adult children desire from their children and other family members is — companionship. Sometimes we just like being together, hanging out, and being a part of our kids’ lives. Why? Revisit the list above of the responsibilities we carried for a number of years. We have invested a lot in our kids — time, energy, (and yes, money). And our kids have been a major part of our lives. Often, we like them and enjoy their company. Many young adults who are in their own life stage of finding their own identity and independence, forget about the situation from their parents’ point of view. So a hint to young adults and older “children” — a relatively low-cost gift to your folks is to choose to spend some time with them.

We need to look at fathers from one other perspective — from those who are either fatherless, or essentially fatherless — their fathers aren’t involved in their lives. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon in our culture. The number of children who are raised in homes without a father present is astounding. Add the number of fathers who are in the home but really not present because of work or other activities, or who are not emotionally or relationally present — and the percentage is frightening. Why? Because fathers provide important messages to their children — that they are special and loved, that they are valuable and worth one’s time and energy, and that we believe in you. (Mothers obviously communicate these messages as well, but dad’s do it in a different way.)

So if you are a guy, when (not if, but when) you are around those whose father is not present, spend a little extra time with them. Give them some time and encouragement. Let them know they are neat. Share some wisdom with them, or teach them a skill. It could be a small gift that goes a long ways to impact a child’s life.

Yes, dad’s can be annoying. But we can be cool, too (sort of). If your dad is still around, let him know something you appreciate about him or what he did for you while you were growing up. It will warm his heart.

Traveling a few weeks ago, I was reflecting on one of the professional activities I have done for over 20 years — testing students of various ages for possible learning difficulties (ADD/ADHD, dyslexia, learning disabilities). I realized I have learned a lot of lessons from the process — interviewing parents; testing students from 5 years old through elementary school, high school, college students and adults; following up with the students and their families years later.

It is not an exhaustive list but here are some of my observations:

Each of us has a unique combination of strengths, abilities, personal history, education and training, personality, family background and values. It would seem this should go without saying, but most of us compare ourselves to those around us — and come up “short”. There is almost always somebody better than we are — even in our strength areas. And this is true in families as well. Children need to find their own unique combination of strengths and talents (one of their siblings may be better in a specific area). And this is
especially true for individuals whose skills differ significantly from the rest of the family (e.g. artists in a family of entrepreneurs).

How we reach a certain goal or approach tasks is often more informative than whether we succeed or fail. One of the fascinating aspects of my job while testing is to observe how an individual completes a task (or tries to). There are lots of ways to correctly solve a problem — and there are lots of different ways to make errors. How we approach a task, and what we do in response to barriers or confusion ultimately says a lot about a person — and how they will deal with challenges in daily life (persevere, give up quickly, ask for help, use trial & error, use logic to problem solve).

Culture emphasizes different skills and abilities over different time periods. Part of “success” in life has to do with the match between an individual’s unique skill set and what the culture is currently emphasizing. I often tell parents (usually of students who do not have good reading or writing skills) that I am thankful I wasn’t born on a farm in the 1800’s — because I would have been relegated to a ditch digger or to slopping the hogs (feeding them, to you urbanites). I have virtually NO mechanical skills or problem-solving ability — and that is what was needed to be successful in that setting.

Parents who have successful children strive to understand their children, provide support and resources to build their strengths (and overcome their deficits). One of the more frustrating experiences is to interact with a parent who has a very narrow definition of what “success” is (e.g. good grades in school; being athletic) and their child doesn’t have the natural abilities to do well in the desired area. Wise parents observe and discover the strength areas of their children and help those skills develop — even if it is not a strength (or area of interest) of the parent. These are the youth who struggle in reading and writing who go on to become successful in business, the military, or just great all around people — excellent husbands, wives and parents.

Early, easy success in life often hinders more sustainable long-term success later in life. A pattern I have seen repeatedly is a highly talented child — bright, athletic, good-looking, socially skilled, musical — they seem to have it all. And they are “stars” early in life — especially grade school, possibly all the way through high school (sometimes, college). But at some point, “the wheels fall off”. The student hits challenges they do not have the habits, disciplines and emotional chutzpa to overcome. Extremely bright and talented students often do not have the opportunity to learn good study skills, perseverance or handling failure during the early stages of their lives. Conversely, individuals who grow into self-responsible and contributing members of their community: a) understand and accept their weaknesses; b) respond to (and do not resent) the demands of daily life, and c) find ways to gradually move forward in their life and career paths. Most successful individual aren’t “stars” or people who “hit it big” — they are individuals who consistently and repeatedly try to make good choices.

Successful parents (and individuals) focus on behaviors and habits that lead to success (daily discipline, perseverance, practice, learning building block skills, doing a job well done, learning how to problem-solve). Wise parents understand that there are behaviors, choices and attitudes that lead to positive results. Although they may use grades or achievement as measuring sticks of progress, they do not emphasize the symbols of success as much as the behaviors which lead to success. Conversely, parents whose children struggle later in life (high school, college and beyond) are overly concerned with “looking successful” — good grades, high test scores, winning in sports. Often this leads to patterns of excessive help by the parents, and cheating by the students. Ultimately, their lack of skill or knowledge becomes apparent.

If you are a parent, remember that parenting is a marathon. Keep the long-term goal in mind. Don’t settle for the easy, short symbols of success. Let your child struggle — how else will they become stronger?

If you are a grandparent, teacher, or principal — or you just know someone who may benefit from these observations, consider sharing them with someone you know.

Have a great weekend.

Some books are just incredibly thought-provoking. I was recently referred to The Language of Conscience by two good friends whom I highly respect. So I ordered it and have been reading it (it is one of those books you do not finish in a couple of hours). And I am intrigued. I am not sure I fully understand all of the concepts — and I think I agree with most of the premises. But I am still thinking about it. The author, Tieman “Skipper” Dippel, Jr., sounds like a fascinating man. So I thought I’d share a bit — possibly to whet your appetite as well. Here are some quotes from the book:

“Conscience is good for society and civilization whether it is taught or whether it is instinctive. . . It is important to look at conscience as if it were a muscle or a nerve. The more you exercise it and the more you sensitize it, the more effective it is going to be.”

Tielman uses the term, “enlightened conservatism”, but do not think that he is talking about political conservatism — otherwise your assumptions and associations will lead you astray. “Enlightened conservatism, as a concept, is well described as trying create an environment in which ethical actions of character can best be performed. . . the character of choice of conscience and concern for others prevails over-self-interest.”

He goes on to contrast decisions made through convenience versus decisions made through conscience. “(D)isciples of conscience look to the future and their children to build a greater society. The disciples of convenience look more to their gains at the present. . . Leaders of convenience often have to step on teh people below them and pull down the people above them. Their weapons are personal attacks, distraction, and the negative emotions. Leaders of conscience use constructive leadership to help others move forward positively. . . Their weapons have to be integrity of purpose and devotion to common goals.”

“In order to achieve the common good, the world’s people must reach the point of saying, ‘What do I think about that?’ rather than just ‘How do I feel about that?’ . . It is in reasoning together in toleration and in appreciation of common values and common moral codes that one can seek the common good by looking beyond personal self-interest and past historical prejudices.”

Note that the book is actually a compilation of papers written and lectures given from the 1970s to early part of the twenty-first century. Tielman shows an amazing foresight on a number of issues:

“I do not see the future as being dominated so much by clashes of great ideologies such as capitalism vs. communism, as by more subtle but extremely potent influences on the culture that determines civilization’s direction. The new subtle concept is victimization and victimhood. It argues that society owes more than basic rights and that government should grow in order to fill those rights.”

“The right question is not whether you want big government or small government. The right question is what should be the role of government as the expression of the combined will of the people in regard not just to the protection of individual rights and dignity, but to the granting of economic benefits on the concept of victimization vs. individual responsibility.

“Character is the acceptance of individual responsibility. . . You cannot build character and courage by taking away initiative and independence, and you cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they can and should do for themselves.”

He then quotes Theodore Roosevelt: “The things that will destroy America are prosperity at any price, peace at any price, safety first instead of duty first, and love of soft living and the get-rich-quick theory of life.” Wow. And that was state over 100 years ago.

He later comments on the Internet. “One of the Internet’s great benefits is that it will make information readily available to an enormous quantity of people on an individual basis. But, it is a double-edged sword since one benefit and detriment of the Internet is that it will provide information easily available to an enormous quantity of people on an immediate basis. With quick availability to information, people will feel less of a need to read books and to think about the concepts that help them remember those individual parcels of date and weave them together. Without the knowledge that is gained from in-depth thought, it is difficult to gain the wisdom of how to use the ever-increasing amounts of data.”

“it will likely occur in an information age that will have two parts — an age of knowledge that expands rapidly with the dissemination of information. And than an age of wisdom necessary to process the excess of information where trust and experience are very valued and character re-emerges. . . Wisdom requires a perspective, a very basic position from which to make judgments. It is at this point that leadership becomes particularly critical in providing guidance and direction. Leadership defines culture and thereby defines civilization, and whether those leaders are directed by conscience or merely by their own convenience will determine the direction that civilization will take. . . The contrast of the Renaissance and the Dark Ages shows that leadership can move culture both ways.”

There is much more thought-provoking (to me) content — and incredible foresight on issues regarding China, the movement of politics in the U.S., and the increasing role of non-profit organizations in our culture. I would highly recommend this book to others who are trying to make sense of the macro-economic, cultural and political confusion which seems to exist.

[A final side-note: This book has been translated into Chinese and reportedly is one of the few Western books used as a text in Chinese universities.]