This week I have been asked to present to my local Chamber of Commerce on “Work / Life Balance”.  After thinking about it for a while, I chose to use the Superball as an object lesson.  Now for those of you who are young and don’t know much about the Superball, let me fill you in.

The Superball was marketed by Wham-O (who also sold Hula hoops in the early 60’s, and the Frisbee in the 70’s).  Introduced in the summer of 1965, by that Christmas they had sold 7 million balls (for 98 cents each). What was amazing about the Superball (the originals were about an inch in diameter) is that they could bounce over houses, and as they went down the street they almost seemed to pick up speed.  They were fun because with just a little effort, they could bounce all around the house (or office). 

What does the Superball have to do with balancing work and the rest of our lives?  Well, there are different sized Superballs — the regular 1″ diameter and then larger ones up to 3″ — which look really cool and like they could go incredibly high.

These large Superballs remind me of superstars in our culture — people who look like they “have it all together” — maybe some movie stars, rich athletes, and multimillionaire business owners.  The problem is — they really don’t have it all together (as the news media reminds us virtually every day).  They actually have some big chunks of their lives missing, like this. 

You see, it is a very, very rare person who is “larger than life”, who is successful in multiple areas of their life, and who is well balanced.  The reason is — we only have so much time and energy, and if you devote it almost exclusively to succeed in one area of life (business, sports, entertainment), then the other areas of your life are short-changed.  And, as a ball, you may look good (if the missing piece is hidden), but you don’t bounce “true” — you get off-course.

So I propose the following “ABC’s of Work - Life Balance”.

Apply what you already know.  Most of us know what we need to do in life.  We don’t need more information.  There is no “new groundbreaking research” that is going to solve the issue.   We just need to consistently do what we know we should.

Balance?  No one I know can “balance” a ton of bricks and a truckload of concrete.  The issue really isn’t “balance”.  The problem is that we are trying to do too much and, (surprise!) as a result, we feel overwhelmed.  The feeling isn’t perception; it is reality.  You really are trying to do too much.  Let’s look at some of things we are all trying to keep in balance:

Work (including email, voicemail, “mail” mail);  Family (Spouse, kids, parents, extended family); Daily life tasks (cooking, laundry, lawncare, car maintenance, grocery shopping, errands, paying the bills);  Finances;  Community life (civic organizations, volunteering, church, school-based activities); Maintaining our health (physical fitness, leisure and recreation, spiritual growth, social support); Friendships; Career education & training; and so forth.

So what is the answer?  Well, we first trying something called:

Cutting back?  This is where we try to survive by ceasing to do some activities in our lives.  The problem is:  what we “cut back” on is almost always those activities that maintain our long-term health — physical exercise, rest and sleep, true restorative leisure activities, spiritual reflection, vacations (weekends), and friendships.  So we wind up just shooting ourselves in the foot (I started to write “slitting our throat” which is probably more accurate, but too gruesome).  But what we really need to do is –

Create space.  This may sound the same as “cutting back” but the focus is different.  We need to take out those time and energy wasters (some are small, some are big) from our daily and weekly lives, and create space for the truly important parts of our lives.  I have been working on this for the past several months and the quality of my life has improved, from my perspective.  It’s like this.  A friend of mine recently came back from two weeks of uninterrupted vacation in the Rocky Mountains.  He proclaimed that he and his family did not watch TV, watch any movies, listen to the radio, check their email or read the newspaper for two weeks and “it was wonderful”.  He then indicated he is going to try to keep these activities to a minimum, because he realized he “really didn’t need them.”  This may sound extreme to some, but have you ever been away from the news for three to four days, come back and realize that you really didn’t miss much of importance? 

My point is this — there are a lot of mental & emotional space “eaters” that don’t really add significantly (if at all) to the quality of our lives.  And if we remove these, we can create “space” for more meaningful activities.  Possible suggestions:  don’t listen to the news while getting dressed in the morning; don’t listen to music while driving or commuting; turn off “talk radio” or your iPod; only read the paper once a week; quit checking online news multiple times a day; turn off the TV.  Even with these potentially small actions you are “freeing up” a fair amount of mental space — time and processing energy that will allow some creative thinking. 

Additionally, most of us need to learn to say “no”.   It works best if you link your “no” to a choice of something else more important to you.  “I’m sorry.  I’d like to but I don’t have the time because of my commitments to my family.  But thanks for asking!”  And really, we have to say ”no” repeatedly because they will keep asking.  Often we’ll agree to do something out of fear — fear they will get mad, fear they won’t like us, being afraid they won’t ask us again.  The problem is — if we make choices for our time and energy driven by fear (especially of what others will think of us), this leads to an out-of-control life.  So, say “no” — it will be okay, really!

The final suggestion is –

Do something.  Don’t try to change your whole life at once.  Just make a little change — one thing today, or this weekend.  Don’t be afraid to “fail” (i.e. not be consistent in your attempt to change).  Try something for a while, then try something else.

The real point is this — don’t try to be a big, oversized Superball and do everything you can to look like “everything is ok”.  You can’t do it all.  No one can (I don’t think).  Pull back — be ok with being a “regular” Superball who is balanced.  It is a lot more fun, and you really do bounce pretty high!

We all only have one life to live.  Be sure and live it in a way that brings joy to you and those around you.

Contentment.  This is one character quality you don’t hear much about these days.  In fact, being content is really a countercultural concept.  I haven’t recently (or ever, actually) heard a commercial say, “Keep what you have.  Fix it up a little or just make it work a while longer.  You don’t need to go buy something new.”   We are bombarded with messages to not be content — we need the newest or latest version (”new and improved”) of xyz, or we really can’t be happy in our current modest home, or we are enticed to take the family on fairly expensive trips or cruises.  None of these things, by themselves, are wrong obviously.  But at some point it seems that it would be good to be content with what we have.

Think about the various aspects of your life — your home (or apartment), your current vehicle(s), the community where you live, your sound system(s), your spouse or your single marital status, your clothes, the food you eat, it can go on and on.  Which of these do you really like?  Which are just “ok”?  Maybe there is some part that you really dislike.  But how much of our desire for something new or different is actually driven by comparison with others — rather than just a pure need?

This is a personal issue for me, partly because of where I am in my own life development.  Up to this point in time, I have primarily been driven to look for “more” – have new and different experiences, try to develop a better job situation, expand my impact in the world (not so much, have the latest and greatest things).   But recently I am realizing the need to slow down, enjoy life in the moment, and be content with where I am in life.

For me, contentment is closely tied to gratitude.  When I stop and am thankful about my life — my health, the home I have, my wife and kids, my job — then I am less likely to feel driven to “do more”.  But interestingly, almost always, there is a downside to each aspect of life as well.  For example, I have really quite good health (and usually sleep well, which I really appreciate) but I have a few nagging pains here and there.  Or, I love my home in the country, but it also means my car is almost always dirty because I live on a dirt road.  I have a great wife and wonderful kids, but we have our struggles and challenges at times.  And there is a lot I love about the work I do, but I also get tired from the emotional demands and the hassles associated with traveling.  So there are pro’s and con’s to each part of life.  But I can choose to focus on the positive aspects and experience the quiet peace that goes with it, or I can become consumed by the negatives and live life angry, irritable and unhappy.

The problem is — we really aren’t taught how to be content in our culture. And the bombardment from advertising can wear you down. So let’s look at some practical ways we can “try on” or practice the viewpoint of contentment.

1. Think of an item you have been considering purchasing. Now tell yourself, “You know, I really don’t need a new ________. Sure, it might be nice to have, but is buying and having it really going to make me happier? Or significantly change my daily life experience? I think I will wait for a few weeks and see if I really think I need it then.”

2. Think about where you live (either your actual house/apartment or your community). Spend some time making a list (at least mental, if not written) about what you enjoy or appreciate about your living situation. If you are really dissatisfied, think about others in the world who do not have clean water, don’t have consistent electricity (and no air conditioning), or who live in a place where their physical safety is at risk. Most of us really have it quite good.

3. When you start to complain or think negatively about your daily life responsibilities (job, home responsibilities, schoolwork), say out loud to a friend, coworker or family member: “You know, even though I have to ________ and I really don’t like that part of my daily life, I am sure glad I don’t have a job where I have to ________________ (fill in the blank with any nasty circumstance thousands of people deal with daily — work 10-12 hours a day/7 days a week; not being able to find work to support themselves or their family; do manual labor in the hot sun for little pay, etc.).

4. If you are not real happy in your current relationships situation (family, marriage, living alone, significant dating relationship), stop and take note of all of the neat people that have impacted your life positively — your parents, grandparents, siblings, friends. Most of us have had the privilege of being in a relationship where others truly cared about us.

5. Be aware of the potential to compare your life situation negatively with those around you.  One response I try to practice in my life is when I hear about something really neat for someone else (they bought a new car, they sold their business for a lot of money, they are going on a exciting vacation), I try to respond: “That is great.  I am really happy for them.”  (It is important to not follow up with additional snide or sarcastic comments, however!)

I am not trying to be a sappy psychologist here, or just move us to “think positive thoughts and your life will be joyous and peaceful” –but I guess I am trying to nudge us that way. And interestingly, there is a secondary benefit of contentment as well — we tend to spend less money because we aren’t trying to buy things or experiences to make us happy.

In fact, Benjamin Franklin said “Contentment makes poor men rich, and discontentment makes rich men poor.” I know I have seen both poor people who are quite happy, and extremely wealthy people who are not only miserable but they keep pursuing riches and eventually lose their material wealth, as well.

So try it. Practice some new thoughts and speech. Be aware of how much you are bombarded with messages to be discontent with your current life circumstances and laugh at them. And see if life isn’t a bit more pleasant and peaceful for you.

Summer is obviously the traditional time for family vacations, due to the fact that students (and many educational instructors) have the summer off of school. As a result, the family vacation is on many individuals’ minds. Having just returned from my own vacation, I thought I would share some thoughts that may help your vacation be a profitable one for you, personally and professionally (although there probably will be associated financial costs!)

Vacate. The root of vacation is “vacate” – meaning, to leave. Although it can be costly, if at all possible, I would encourage you to get away from home for your vacation. Getting away from your home, along with your daily routine and responsibilities, provides a needed mental break necessary to rejuvenate and re-energize.

Rest. Try to schedule your vacation activities in a way that allows you to get some rest. Many of us schedule our vacations so tightly that we have to stay up late the night before we leave to do laundry, clean house, and pack – making us exhausted before we even leave! We then are so busy and frantic during the vacation itself that we become more tired. And we also leave little margin at the end to “catch up” from being gone. So try this – plan some days to sleep in, maybe take naps and time to “do nothing”.

Refresh. Do you know what is mentally and emotionally refreshing to you? For me, it’s nature. I haven’t truly been on vacation if I’m not able to spend some time in nature. For others, it is being pampered – eating out, going to a spa, or staying at a nice hotel. Some people are refreshed by visual beauty, others by learning about new places, history or culture. Young parents (both dads, but especially moms) need some time alone to be refreshed – even if it is just one day (or several hours!). Identify what renews your spirit and schedule some of this type of activity into your vacation.

Reflect. Being away from your daily routine, responsibilities, and environment can provide the mental space needed to reflect on your life. Is this how you want to live? What changes would you like to make so your daily life more closely reflects your true values? Is your current pathway leading you to your goals (personally, professionally, relationally, health-wise)? Schedule some time to be by yourself, reflect, and write down your thoughts.

Relationships. For many, your vacation is a time of renewing and deepening important relationships. Families on vacation together have the opportunity to spend longer time periods together. When used correctly — that is, talking together versus each person listening to their own iPod or playing videogames or experiencing unique activities together – vacations can be a significant time in a family’s life. For individuals who are not currently in a significant relationship, vacations can be utilized to deepen friendships by going on vacations with friends or by visiting family members (siblings, parents).

There are obviously other ways to make your vacation “work” for you – giving you the sense of relaxation and refreshment we all desire from our vacations. But ultimately, the best way to benefit from taking a vacation is to do what Nike says: “Just do it!”

“I’m so frustrated with . . . ” is a frequent complaint in our daily lives.  I hear it from clients, from friends, from family members, and I say it fairly frequently.

One of the challenges with understanding and managing “frustration” is that it can have more than one meaning.  So, often it is important to clarify what people mean when they say “I’m frustrated.”  Probably the more basic, historic meaning is to feel blocked or being unable to achieve a goal you are pursuing.  Thus, I get frustrated if I am trying to get a task done but the machine or computer I am using doesn’t work correctly (and I don’t know how to fix it) and I am not able to get the task done.  Or I get frustrated with you because I am trying to get xyz done and you either won’t help me or you are interfering with my accomplishing the task (the best example I can think of is a mother of young children who is trying to get things cleaned up before some visitors arrive, and the kids keep making messes.)

So in this meaning of frustration, there are four components:

  1. A goal you are trying to reach.   2.  An obstacle or challenge that arises, impeding your ability to reach the goal.  3. A current inability to overcome the obstacle (or possibly the cost financially or time-wise makes overcoming it impractical).  4. The result of “being stuck”, with the accompanying feeling of frustration.

One approach to dealing with the “feeling blocked” type of frustration involves the following steps.  First, you try the standard problem-solving method — identify the problem, attempt to diagnose specifically what the actual issue is, and attempt to resolve the situation.  However, you probably have already tried some form of this and not succeeded; hence, your frustration.  Second, it may be necessary to utilize outside resources you previously tried to avoid using (largely because of financial costs or the amount of extra time it will take to get the situation resolved).  This is the “call the plumber” option.  A third step to lowering your frustration level is to adjust your expectations — accepting that this project won’t be completed when you wanted it to be, or that you won’t be able to do it by ourselves.  A fourth, often forgotten, step is to use this experience as a “learning experience” and make a mental commitment to plan ahead more in the next similar situation, and to allow more margin for error (that is, not cut the timeline so tight). 

However, there is a second (and probably more common) meaning of “frustration”.  Often, when a person communicates that they are frustrated, it is an euphemism (that is, a polite way of saying) for being angry.  In my experience of training counselors in various parts of the country, and working with families across the world, I have found that when people say they are frustrated (in an angry way), it can range in intensity from quite mild (slightly irritated) to fairly intense (being angry).  To be honest, I found that people in the South tend to say they are frustrated with someone when they are actually downright mad.  In fact, I have jokingly said that if a polite Southern woman says she is frustrated with you, watch out!

So when we find ourselves being frustrated in this sense (that is, being angry about something), the components are:   1.  Having an expectation (”you should do x”,  or “you shouldn’t do y”, or “when I do xy,  z should happen”).   2. An event happens (another person’s action, or some thing happens or doesn’t mechanically).  3. Your expectation is not met (e.g. the person didn’t thank you when you think they should have;  the printer doesn’t work when you have a report due).  4.  You feel “frustrated” (irritated, aggravated, angry) as a result of things not going as you want. 

We can observe that both types of frustration are integrally related to our expectations.  Either expecting to be able to accomplish a task (and usually, with a certain amount of time, energy and money) or expectations of others / situations that are not being met.   In fact, most feeling responses are directly related to our expectations.  When our expectations are met (either by another person or by a situation), we tend to feel pleased.  When our expectations are not met, we can have a range of feeling responses — angry, hurt, disappointed, sad.  (One feeling category that isn’t as directly related to expectations is fear / anxiety because they have to do with future events.)

So the result is — if you find yourself to be frequently (continually?) frustrated, you may need to re-evaluate your expectations and see if they are realistic, given the facts of the situation or the reality of who the person is.  You obviously can hold on to your expectations, but unless the situation (or person) changes, you may be setting yourself up for an ongoing experience of repeated frustration.

I have often been asked to speak on managing stress, work & life balance, and similar topics. But I have never been asked to speak about (and I have never seen an article on) rest.

This is one of those postings that clearly comes from my personal experience (and is one of those topics I am giving myself the liberty to write about even though I clearly haven’t integrated the concept fully into my life.) Obviously, the topic arises from my own experience of being tired recently. I have been travelling more than I am used to, and the past few days I just was whipped — physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally. So I began to think about the need to rest. And I realized that there are really several different ways to “rest”.

For many people (myself included at times) the concept of rest translates almost immediately into the idea of sleeping. I am tired. Therefore, I need to sleep. And this is clearly an issue — the number of articles about sleep deprivation in our culture is almost overwhelming, and numbing. Yes, we need to sleep more.

However, resting is a broader concept than sleeping. I have had to learn to let myself just lie down and rest, even though I am not sleepy, or when I can’t sleep. (In earlier days, I would get exceedingly uptight and even angry about not being able to sleep and thus lost the opportunity to rest during this period of time.) So resting can be in the form of lying down and closing your eyes, even if you don’t sleep — or just sitting down and doing nothing.

Besides physical rest, I have become aware of other types of “rest” that I need. For me, mental and emotional rest are also needed. My work is rarely physically demanding but my mind is working hard and many situations I work in require emotional strength and energy as well. Given that I am a stimulation seeking type of person, I sometimes have to “work” at giving my mind a rest — not listening to the radio or music, not doing light reading, not thinking about things (and making lists of tasks to accomplish). Sometimes I just need quiet. Other times I need to do something physical (exercise, taking a walk, doing some yardwork, fishing) that doesn’t require processing words and which distracts me enough that I am not thinking a lot in words.

I need social rest. That is, there are times I need a break from people. I want to be by myself. I don’t want to talk, listen, or interact with another human. This is rare for me, given my social nature, but I do “reach my limit” and go off by myself.

I have become aware of the need for spiritual rest. Sometimes my life is characterized by striving, a lack of peace, wanting to be and do something significant — and these desires can get me “wound up” into either frenetic activity, excessive worrying, or a general irritability. During these times, I need to take some time for a spiritual retreat and gain a more correct perspective on who I really am and my place in the universe.

Besides these different types of rest, I also see how there are different amounts of rest needed — daily, weekly, and longer periods of refreshment (e.g vacations, sabbaticals). This past weekend I was really “spent” and needed a few days of rest — extra sleep, periods of not doing much productive, solitude, recreation (lesiure activities that re-create emotional energy, for me this usually involves nature), and spiritual reflection. After about four days I am “back” and ready to go!

So think about this issue for yourself. How much rest are you getting? What kind of rest do you need? I would encourage you to think about proactive steps and planning you might take in the coming week or two, to get some needed and refreshing rest for yourself. You will probably become more productive overall. You certainly will be more fun to be around. And I would guess that you will enjoy yourself and your life more, too!

Any tree that produces fruit needs nourishment, refreshment, and a time when it is not producing fruit — in order for the tree to remain healthy and for the fruit to be of any value. We are the same.

Ok. We are in the holiday season. And now we will be bombarded with articles about the stress of the holidays – family gatherings, shopping, managing our finances, holiday parties and concerts to attend, traveling, and so forth. And it is true – the Christmas season and New Year’s tend to create more stress for us.

But the problem I have with many of the articles – whether they are in the newspaper, on msn.com’s homepage, in Time or USA Today, is that they are either so fluffy (“keep track of what you spend”) or they are so repetitive and vague they become meaningless.

So here is my attempt at trying to give some practical advice, and probably some you don’t usually hear.

First, let’s define stress.

Foundationally, STRESS = DEMANDS > RESOURCES.

You feel stressed when you have more to do than you have time or energy to do it. You feel stressed when you have more bills than you have money. You feel stressed when others are demanding more of you than you feel you have to give. The examples are endless.

However, the truer equation is this:

STRESS = PERCEIVED DEMANDS > PERCEIVED RESOURCES.

You may have heard, “perception is everything”. In the case of stress, this is absolutely true. What you perceive (or believe) to be the demand is what drives you (e.g. how clean the house needs to be when company comes to visit – it depends on whether it is your best friend, your boss, or your mother-in-law!)

Similarly, what resources you believe you have also are related to perception. You may think you have to clean the house. But you actually could hire someone to do it (yes, there are people who do it on a “one time” basis), but your own personal values may keep you from making this choice. So, in essence, you are choosing not to access a resource that could help you meet the demands in your life. Result = stress.

We could drive this deeper and give lots of examples, but I want to address some other related issues. But keep that equation in your head – it really helps to figure out “Why am I feeling so stressed?” The easiest way is try to track what are the “should’s” that you are feeling you need to do, and then try to determine how realistic they really are. (I give seminars on this topic for businesses and families from one to three hours long, so this is a quick introduction; feel free to see my presentation notes (pdf) for a fuller coverage).

Ok, so let’s look at some practical ways of dealing with the stress we will all be experiencing during the coming holidays.

1. Sleep. We all tend to feel more stressed when we are tired. And we live in a chronically sleep deprived society. Most of us don’t get as much sleep as we need and it creates a lot of problems in our lives.

So do yourself (and your friends, family, and employer) a favor. Go to bed. Turn off the TV. Choose to go lie in bed and not stay up to watch a movie. Shut off the computer and quit searching the ‘Net.

It is amazing that if you actually quit feeding stimuli to your brain, you go lay down in your bed and turn off the lights, you will usually go to sleep in a relatively short time – because you are tired.

2. Say “no” – to yourself, to your friends, to your family. Try it right now. Just practice. Quietly (but out loud), say “no”. See you can do it. It is physically possible. Now the trick is to do so frequently and repeatedly.

I am a high-energy, stimulation-seeking person. And I love a party. As a result, my biggest fear was that someone was having fun somewhere and I was not there to be a part of it. I used to wear myself out going places, being with people, seeking fun – and then I would get sick (as well as being stressed and irritable even if I wasn’t sick).

So I have had to learn to say “no” – largely to myself. I don’t have to go to the XYZ concert, or go see the lighting of the Christmas tree downtown, or go to the Smith’s (and the Johnson’s, and the Jones’) Christmas parties – although it might be fun to do so. The fact is: I can’t do everything that is out there and available. And neither can you. If we do, we will get tired, stressed, over-extended, and possibly sick.

For some people, saying “no” to others is the more difficult task. Saying “no” to your friends, that you can’t go out tonight to see a movie, or watch the big game on TV, or go to a great concert, or whatever it is.

For many, saying “no” to family (especially mom and dad, if they live close by) is the hardest. Sometimes this takes the form of setting limits on how long you will stay over the holidays, or whether you will come visit at all (if they live out of town). Other times, it may be saying that you will pass on a family tradition that really isn’t that important to you anymore (driving around and looking at Christmas lights, or going on your annual Christmas shopping trip).

The main point is this: just because you did ABC in the past, or just because Amy/Bob/Sue/John want you to … with them, doesn’t mean you have to this year. Make some choices for yourself this year.

Choose what you want to do (and don’t do the rest).

I would strongly encourage you, right now, to pick out some things you are not going to do this year.

3. Be thankful and enjoy each day (and moment). As I shared previously, being thankful for what you have is key to enjoying life.

Now the key to this being really helpful versus being a nice platitude is to practice it. Today, when you are done reading this, tell the first person that you know and see something positive about your life (“you know, I really enjoy the Christmas lights at this time of year”). Or share something that you appreciate that they bring to your life (“Have I ever told you how much I enjoy your smile?”). Even in a negative circumstance, choose to be thankful (“yea, this traffic sucks, but it’s nothing compared to worrying about a car bomb going off when you go shopping”).

I’m sure there is more we can do to reduce our stress during the holidays: eat less, exercise more, don’t try to impress others with your gifts, …

But let’s try these 3 steps and see how we do this year.

Remember, get some sleep. Say “no” to doing some of the extra activities available to you. And practice being thankful for many of the circumstances of your life and those around you.

Let me know how it goes.