Unfortunately, when the issue of “character” is in the news today, the focus is usually on character failures — lack of integrity, marital unfaithfulness, greed and dishonesty. So to be able to talk about a man of good character is a privilege.

When thinking about the title of this entry, I was indecisive about whether it should be “To a Great Man of Character” or “To a Man of Great Character”. Obviously, I chose the latter — for two reasons. First, in the world’s eyes I don’t know if Spence Sawyer would be characterized as a “great man” — in the general terms of incredible success professionally or in terms of raw talent. Although he was talented in several areas and he was also quite successful in his profession, most who knew Spence focused on who he was as a person. So, the second reason I chose this title is because almost everyone who knew Spence would agree he was a man of “great character”. It was his character that impacted others, and most who knew him (including myself) found themselves wanting to emulate him.

Spence Sawyer died this week at the age of 78. He was born and raised in the suburbs of west Chicago and spent most of his adult life in this area, with a few years early in his professional life living in New Jersey while commuting to New York City. He was the father of seven children, whom he mentored and helped each obtain a private college education (no small feat financially, regardless of the era).

I want to highlight just a few of the character qualities that I first thought of when reflecting on Spence’s life:

Responsible. Responsibility was at the core of Spence’s being — shouldering the responsibility of leading his family and guiding his children, from childhood through adolescence and into their adult lives; taking responsibility to provide leadership in most of the organizations he was committed to (his church, his company [he worked for Illinois Bell and AT&T for forty years], the college he and many of his family members attended), and just in general daily life. If Spence saw something that needed to be done, he would make sure it got done.

Faithful. In his personal relationships, Spence was faithful to his wife, Ruth, of over 50 years, his children, grandchildren and his friends. Spence was “Mr. Reliable”. If he made a commitment, he kept it. You never had to wonder if he was going to show up; he was always there. He followed through on commitments made — in fact, you would never think of Spence not following through. He was rock solid. You wanted him on your team — and he was sought out by organizations because they knew he would help you achieve your goals.

Investing in others. I’m not sure of the best way to put this, or of a good singular term, but Spence gave his life in the service of others. He was not self-promoting. He did not seek positions of leadership — he was seen as a leader and asked to take leadership positions by those around him. After his retirement in the 90’s, he spent much of his time and energy meeting with others — teaching, mentoring, listening and encouraging. Interestingly, because of some early life experiences that impacted him significantly, Spence was reluctant to give advice to others — even when asked. But if you cornered him, you could get him to help you frame the problem and think through the issues you needed to consider. (The result of his investing in others will be seen next week at his memorial service where 800-900 people are expected to honor him and share in the celebration of his life.)

Laughter. From the previous descriptors, one might conclude that Spence was a stern, stodgy, “all work and no play” kind of guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Spence was one of the best story- and joke-tellers I have ever known, and he loved to laugh. In fact, one of my favorite memories is sitting with him at the kitchen table, having a bowl of ice cream and he would start telling some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. The problem was, he would start tearing up and laughing before he finished the joke — and you found yourself laughing and crying just because he was (and you weren’t exactly sure why)!

There are lots of other personal qualities that characterized Spence, some of which were so ingrained in who he was that you couldn’t think of him not exhibiting them (honesty, integrity, generosity). He was a man of deep spirituality who loved the God he served and who has left a legacy in the lives of those who knew him — that will endure for years to come. I know that I have been deeply impacted by his input into my life and I will miss him dearly. I had the privilege of knowing him for over 30 years, as the father of my wife. His leaving the life on this earth has caused me to seriously reflect on my life and my priorities.

I hope that I will also become a man of great character.

This week my wife and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.  Neither she nor I can believe we have been married that long — part of it is that we just don’t feel that “old”! (To keep the edge of reality a bit less sharp, we usually comment that we were only 12 when we got married.)

But as we have shared about our milestone with others, we have been asked quite a few times:  “What are the ’secrets’ to being married that long?”  I started to reflect on the question and came up with a few thoughts in response that I thought I would share.

• Marry the right person.  This may sound strange — and doesn’t really help those who are already married –but marrying a person who has the foundational character qualities that are needed for maintaining a long term relationship is key.  Two come to mind (there are many, obviously) — 1) avoid someone who is easily offended and 2) a person who holds grudges.  Both make it really difficult to forgive.  The first (being easily offended) means the person is going to have to forgive you a lot over the future decades.  And the second (holding grudges) means that they have a hard time “letting go” of offenses, which undermines the ability to maintain a close long term relationship. Most of us are blinded by infatuation and physical attraction when we are looking for someone to marry.  Some of us are (or were) just young and clueless.  So finding the right person under those circumstances is largely due to God’s grace in our lives.  But if you are still looking for a spouse, be sure and look for the true qualities you desire. (On the other hand, don’t be looking for Prince Charming or ‘The Perfect Woman’ — they don’t exist in reality.)

• Both individuals need to become good at forgiving.  Throughout the months, years and decades of your marriage, you will screw up a lot; and your spouse will make a lot of mistakes, so it is critical for both parties to be able and willing to forgive one another.  I truly don’t know of any other way to make a long term relationship work — practicing forgiveness is key.  There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness — that you have to ‘forget’ what happened to be able to forgive; that forgiveness means what happened really didn’t matter or hurt; or that what the person did ‘wasn’t that big of a deal’ — none of which are true.  Forgiveness is essentially “letting go” and not holding the offense against the person any longer.  Easy to say, but a process which can take a long time to enact. [A great book on this issue is The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes.]
• Learn (and then practice) the ways that your spouse experiences being loved.  For a long time (I mean 25 years or so) Kathy and I struggled.  She was frustrated with me, not feeling like I cared for or about her.  And I didn’t feel like she appreciated me.  Then we read Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, and began to understand that each of us experiences being loved differently.  Kathy’s ‘love language’ is having focused attention and quality time; mine is verbal praise.  Once we understood our differences, and have worked at loving each other in the languages important to us (it has taken me longer than Kathy), then our frustrations have diminished.  Although the concepts of this book are pretty simple and not ‘magic’, they helped us get over a barrier in our relationship.
• Work on your relationship.  “Working on your relationship”, to me, means — make your marriage a priority.  You have to spend time, invest mental and emotional energy, be willing to spend money on your relationship — and say “no” to other things (hobbies, work, other relationships, leisure activities, activities with or for the kids).  Although I rarely looked forward to a marriage seminar or retreat (being honest), I almost always felt like there was significant benefit from going.  And I get tired of reading books on marriage, but I continue to glean helpful concepts and hints to make me a better husband.  Anything that you want to be of good quality takes time and effort.
• Be committed to stay married even when it’s tough and you don’t like your spouse.  Sometimes I feel ‘commitment’ is overly emphasized in weddings and advice to young couples — to the point that it seems that the only thing needed to stay married is commitment (which I don’t believe is true).  But, if you ask most couples who have been married a long time, the rock bottom foundation of being committed to staying married, no matter how tough it gets, has been true for them.  And it is true for us.  We have had times where it seemed it would have been easier (and less painful) to just call it quits.  And there were times where we really didn’t like each other much, and didn’t enjoy our relationship.  But we were committed to make it work, and to this point we have been able to do so. [An ASIDE:  I clearly believe that there are circumstances when it probably doesn’t make sense and can be dangerous to stay in a relationship — when there is drug or alcohol abuse, or anger and abuse issues.  Being committed doesn’t mean you should be foolish.]
• Give up trying to change your spouse (the “if only …” game).  Part of the ability to keep together (and get past those really tough times) comes with the true acceptance of the other person for who they are.  And even if it would be good for them to change for certain habits or to “grow” in character (patience, perseverance, follow-through, impulse control, you name it) — accepting that they may never change reduces a lot of conflict.  And yes, life would be better “if only …”, but “if only …” may not happen and you certainly aren’t going to make it happen in their life for them.  So accept the reality that your spouse is a flawed individual and that it would be helpful if you learn to live with them the way they are.
• Miscellaneous parting thoughts.   There are lots more principles — that is why there are so many books on marriage.  But I want to get on with my day, so let me just finish with some additional short comments.

1. Be thankful — for your life, for your spouse, for your family.
   
2. Learn to enjoy activities that you can do together.  Do things with your spouse that they enjoy — go along with them just because they like it.
3. Live within your means.  Financial stress from overextending your lifestyle creates additional unnecessary stress that can undermine your relationship.
4. Realize life is hard.  Enjoy the good times and persevere through the difficult ones.

Have a great week.  And if you are fortunate enough to be married — give your spouse a big hug and kiss sometime today.

I like to learn from others who have been successful.  In our culture, some people look to successful business leaders; others look to athletes or entertainers.  I find some of the best advice from wise people from the past — from classic literature from previous civilizations and cultures.

Here are some thoughts from a king and writer of literature from about 3,000 years ago:

Wisdom in the most important thing; so get wisdom. If it costs everything you have, get understanding.  Treasure wisdom, and it will make you great; hold onto it, and it will bring you honor.”   He goes on to espouse the pre-eminence of acquiring wisdom, and that it will lead to virtually everything else good in life — wealth, influence, health, and peace.

So the question becomes — how does one become wise?  The author responds to this question:

Don’t follow the ways of the wicked; don’t do what evil people do.  Avoid their ways, and don’t follow them.  Stay away from them and keep on going, because they cannot sleep until they do evil.

The author then lays out the principles for obtaining wisdom:

1. Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life.
2. Don’t use your mouth to tell lies; don’t ever say things that are not true.
3. Keep your eyes focused on what is right, and look straight ahead to what is good.
4. Be careful what you do, and always do what is right.
5. Don’t turnoff the road of goodness; keep away from evil paths.

So to summarize, he encourages his readers to:

• manage their thoughts,
• watch what they say and speak with honesty,
• keep focused on the good
• act with integrity
• keep away from those who repeatedly make poor choices.

I find these thoughts interesting and applicable to our lives today because there are so many voices telling us what to do and how we should live.  Being past 50 years old and having had the opportunity to view different economic and political seasons, it has become more evident to me that living according to patterns of behavior that have been proven over long periods of time (decades, centuries) is wise.

Although some patterns (leveraging business ventures through credit, buying now and paying later for personal purchases) can work within a short time frame or certain conditions, living within one’s means, saving for the future, and taking preventative steps to manage potential risks seem to work well over the long term.  They are not as exciting, and also are not as potentially rewarding within the short term.

Some may say:  “Desperate times call for desperate measures” and this may be true.  But many desperate people have perished by making unwise decisions in their desperation.  I hope this does not become the case for our country.