“Finding a job” continues to be a common topic that comes up in conversations — with friends, clients, families, friends of my kids.  The types and levels of job positions is quite broad — from laid-off professionals to young adults looking for their first career position, to high school and college students searching for summer jobs or internships.

In discussing the topic with individuals, three different methods repeatedly come up regarding ways to find jobs:

1. Have unique abilities, training and experience that set you apart from the competition.   If you are in this category, you probably are in good shape for finding work.  Unfortunately, most people currently looking for work may not have the combination of unique skills and experience desired.
2. Networking among current relationships.  I have written previously on this topic, and it is a hot topic in the media, so it is easy to find helpful information in this area.
3. Pursue positions that have high “negative” aspects that make them undesirable to most people. If you are really hurting to find work, then you may need to start considering those positions which aren’t really desirable — to you or others.

To help you think about jobs and positions to investigate, let’s look at the types of characteristics which make some work opportunities less than desirable:

• Dangerous or hazardous conditions.
• Low pay.
• Boring, tedious work.
• Manual labor.
• Bad hours required (graveyard shift, weekends, holidays).
  
• Travel is required.
• Less than desirable location (rural; inner city; away from friends & family)
• Low prestige
• Difficult clientele

I am sure there are other characteristics you may think of.  The point is — if there are characteristics about a job or work setting that makes it difficult for them to find good employees (lots of time they are able to find transient employees), then that is a possible good starting point.

For example, my first “counseling” job was working as a “night counselor” (clearly a euphemism) at a residential treatment facility for out-of-control adolescent guys.  I was essentially a night watchman, did bed checks to make sure they hadn’t run away, and dealt with crisis situations (fights, drug use, etc.)  But it was a start and went on my resume as experience, and I worked my way up from there. Another personal example — while getting my masters degree in counseling I did tree-trimming in homes that were built in orchards.  Not especially fun, hot, sticky work, but there was a need and I could make decent money part-time.

In almost every discussion I have with a teenager to twentysomething who is looking for work, I encourage them to “shoot low” to start out.  Start “beneath” where they think they really should; be willing to learn from the ground up, demonstrate your work ethic and character — and then they will consider you for a higher level position.  I can give you a lot of stories of people who have done this successfully.

In tough times, be willing to do what others typically aren’t, and I am pretty sure you will be able to find and land a job, and hopefully use that as a springboard for your future positions.

Almost all of us in the United States are now starting to personally experience some aspect of the global and national economic crisis.  Whether it is through a personal or family job loss, friends and extended family members who have been laid off, a slow down in your business, or projected reduced sales for next year — the impact is now personal.  This is different than hearing it on the news or reading statistics in a publication.

I resent the frenzy and panic the media seems to want to whip up, because this type of communication doesn’t help anyone.  We need to deal with the realities of life (like Jim Collins encourages businesses to do in Good to Great), but let’s do so in a healthy manner.

So let’s talk about the thought patterns that will help us cope with the challenges and stressors we are (or will be) facing — and how to keep our mental health and hope.

• Shorten your time frame.  Regardless of the challenging issue a family, individual or business faces, one of the key aspects for managing the crisis is to keep a short time frame in mind.  Deal with what you have to today or this week.  Do not spend a lot of time thinking about (or worrying about) six months from now, or next year — largely because there are so many factors that can change between now and then, you really can’t plan that far in advance.
• Manage your cash flow.  Almost every business or family I know that has gone under financially later reports that they wish they would have made changes (e.g. “cut back”) sooner.  So it would be wise to complete an budget review, especially of unnecessary expenses, and make appropriate adjustments — this should probably include projections for income over the coming months, as this might change as well.
• Adjust your expectations.  Life’s circumstances throws us changes.  What was true six months ago for us as a country, in your business, or your family is different now.  Therefore, the goals, desires or plans you had then for the future may not fit now.  Rigidly holding onto beliefs and expectations from the past will probably create undue stress.  What is going on now may not be “fair”, but it is what it is.
• Explore options you have previously ruled out.  Many times we exclude certain options because they aren’t acceptable given the current circumstances.    But when circumstances change, previously unacceptable options may need to be reconsidered (e.g. a teenager being willing to work at part-time at a restaurant; doing tasks yourself and working later in the evening or on weekends).
• Maintain an attitude of appreciation.   We all can probably find something to complain about.  And there are lots of people and decisions who are prime targets for criticism.  But what does that really gain (except for a brief time of tension release)?  So instead of adding to the negative conversations out there, first start with remembering the things that are good in your life — and then add these to conversations.  [We had a beautiful sunrise this morning.  I appreciate having a warm house when it is cold outside.  I am thankful I have reliable transportation to get to work — and that I don’t have to commute 60+ minutes one way.]
• Keep connected socially. When people go through difficult times, one means of coping with the stress is to withdraw socially.  Generally, this is not a good long-term strategy.  Yes, we need time to ourselves and time to think things through.  But to pull back from positive, supportive relationships puts us at risk for becoming isolated, cuts us off from available resources, and we can start to get weird (we need the reality check of conversations with friends to keep our thinking straight).

I appreciate the comments of Jack DeBoer, a local successful businessman who spoke recently and said:  “You can go out and talk to people today and tell them how tough things are, how it’s tougher now, and how much tougher it’s going to get. . . Or you can go out and figure out what to do in this environment.”

I am not a major history buff, but it seems to me that a lot of people survived the Great Depression, and almost always there are opportunities to be successful in difficult times.

This weekend I had the opportunity to speak at a conference for major donors of a charitable organization. It was a beautiful setting in Southern California, and my wife accompanied me, which was a treat.

The other keynote presenter was Carlos Sepulveda, who is the CEO of Interstate Batteries, and a dynamic presenter. In addition to his presentation, Mr. Sepulveda had a follow-up question and answer session in which he expanded upon the concepts he shared. I thought I would share some of his thoughts which were thought provoking to me:

• “There is no such thing as business ethics.” He did not mean this in terms of an oxymoron. Rather, Mr. Sepulveda’s point was that there really is no division between public and private behavior – choices and decisions are made by individuals, whether or not the context is in the home, community or workplace. As Carlos stated directly, “Truth cannot be compartmentalized.” Unfortunately, we have seen this issue (behavior and choices matter, regardless of the context) impact our lives and news repeatedly (Enron, sexual misconduct by business and government leaders, business policies driven by greed).
• “Successful people absorb in early in life what reality is, and they spend the rest of their lives making and managing decisions made in reality.” Mr. Sepulveda shared some about his early life’s history, which was rocky, and the resulting lessons he learned. He affirmed straightforwardly, “You will never be any more successful than your understanding of reality” and that this is true in one’s personal life as well as in business.
• Regarding businesses delivering value, he stated that “competence delivers value.” He stated that the way to increase competence is through a combination of “ability + technique + effort”. He reported that our culture is always trying to “get around” work, but that ultimately work is good, brings value to our lives, and the means by which goals are reached.
• The definition of the role of a CEO, according to Mr. Sepulveda, is encapsulated in the initials “CEO”. The primary responsibilities of a CEO are to: 1. Organize (goals and resources); 2. Encourage others – to always be coaching those around you; and 3. Confront – to confront actions, beliefs and policies that don’t match reality, and to confront the gap between promised results and what is actually delivered. In a follow-up discussion, he indicated he tries to accept bad news well (that is, not “blow up”) but he asks the question: “How did it happen?”
• There are two primary activities that make up life – resource allocation (time, our “brain”, talents, financial resources) and conflict resolution. We are constantly making choices about how to use our time, talents, money, etc. and this is the daily activities of our lives. But because we live in relationship with others, and we all have our unique perspectives, values and priorities, this leads to conflicts over how resources should be allocated. And so the second most frequent activity we engaged in is managing these conflicts over the use of our resources.

I found Mr. Sepulveda an extremely engaging speaker, a thoughtful leader, and one who clearly caused me to repeatedly ask myself: “Really?” “Is that true?” He brings a unique perspective to leadership and daily life. If you ever have the chance to hear him speak, I would encourage you to choose to do so.

Business Success, Conflict, Conflict resolution, Executive performance, Leadership, Management, work

I want to write about some things I have been learning about “marketing” but I don’t know how to frame the issue and information in a way that doesn’t turn people off.  That, historically, has been my reaction to “marketing” — makes me think of either high-dollar, high-glitz Madison avenue advertising campaigns or a slick (possibly slimey), fast-talking guy who gives you tips on how to sell people services or goods they don’t need and don’t really want.  (My apologies to my marketing consultants who are wonderful, warm people that don’t come anywhere near close to this description.)

But this weekend I read an article about the intersection of marketing and living in community — a viewpoint  which struck me as quite unique.  Dr. Bruce Howard is a professor of business and economics at Wheaton College (my alma mater) and he shares the following thoughts:

“In graduate school, I was surprised by the first course I ever took in marketing.  Like most people, I thought it would be about sales and advertising and learning how to convince people to buy your products.  I could not have been more wrong.  It turned out to be mostly about the practical arts of building community.  I was expecting a perspetive that was primarily individualistic and self-centered, but learned that true marketing always takes the spotlight off me and focuses it on others.”

Dr. Howard then cites Theodore Leavitt’s article, Marketing Myopia, from the Harvard Business Review in 1960 (yes, that date is correct), where Levitt states that business “is a customer-satisfying process, not a goods-producing process.”

This actually cross-sects with Michael Gerber’s statements on marketing in his best-selling The E Myth Revisited (the “e myth” is that most businesses are started by entrepreneurs; in fact, most businesses are started by technicians and service providers who think they can “do better”).

Gerber emphasizes two key aspects to marketing:  1) know who your customers (or potential customers) are (demographics);  and 2) know why they decide to buy (what he calls psychographics).  He restates the classic line, “Find a need and fill it” to “Find a perceived need and fill it.”  Gerber then argues that, for companies to be successful in marketing their products, companies must gather information about who their customers are and how they think about things.

He gets a bit intense when he states, “[I]t is absolutely imperative that you forget about your dreams, forget about your visions, forget about your interests, forget about what you want –forget about everything but your customer! When it comes to marketing, what you want is unimportant.  It’s what your customer wants that matters.  And what your customer wants is probably significantly different from what you think he wants.”

Now, back to Dr. Howard with his thoughts about marketing and living in community.  He states:

“I … discovered that building the business enterprise is about creating a community that is linked with other communities for the purposes of enhancing mutual welfare.  When people join a business, they don’t just want a job .. they want to be part of something greater than themselves.  They want to be part of a community.”

He then asks a key question:  “If business is supposed to be so community friendly, why does it feel so highly individualistic?”

He then discusses the current values driving much of the Western world’s marketplace — what is best for me (individually)? What costs the least for me (individually)?  Dr. Howard then argues that effective enterprises must also be intentional about the values they bring to the marketplace, including the value of community.
It reminds me of social entreprenuership — developing businesses that also have a positive social impact as part of their mission (for some great information on social entrepreneurship, go to www.socialimpact.com).

Part of my interest in “marketing” is how I see it all around us, in almost every sphere of life.

• The political process and all of the media communication surrounding Obama, McCain, et al.
• The bombardment of advertisements in virtually every “screen” media — the Internet, watching a movie, television, email.
• In people making daily life decisions — about cars, about food to eat, where to eat out, what movie to see, where to go to college, clothes to wear, where to go for professional services.

Secondly, I recently had an article in my community’s newspaper about a service I provide (a non-medication intervention for individuals with ADHD), and I was amazed at the amount of communication that resulted from this one “blip” on the marketing / information scene.  The story about a teenage girl who was significantly helped in her life by this approach seemed to touch people and they responded.

I guess I have a number of threads that are starting to come together in my mind (and don’t seem to be especially well-articulated yet!).  Marketing seems to be largely about the same things relationships are built on:  clear communication, understanding the other person and their point of view, trust in communication, providing accurate information, responding appropriately.  Maybe that is why, as I am coming to understand what marketing is, it intrigues me.

Endurance. Perseverance. Persistence. Patience. They are words I hear a lot when individuals who are successful in their field describe how or why they succeeded.

And yet perseverance is not a word nor a concept that we are especially drawn to. It is almost one of those characteristics that we look back on and view positively, but not one that leadership speakers frequently preach to us.

The definition is interesting to me.

“Perseverance: Steady persistence in adhering to a course of action, a belief, or a purpose; steadfastness.” Perseverance is not just blind repetitive action — doing the same thing over and over. It is tied directly to a goal, belief or purpose. We persist because we believe it is the right thing to do, or because we hope persevering will help us attain the goal we desire.

As Henry Ward Beecher differentiated, “The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t.” In other words, perseverance is goal directed and a positive attempt to achieve.

Another aspect of perseverance is that it is “daily”. Persisting on a task is not flashy nor exciting. It is both the action and result of doing the daily grind — whether that is getting up and exercising; the everyday housework tasks of laundry, dishes, cleaning up, and keeping the house running; or those tasks that make up your “job”. It is doing those daily menial tasks that make the difference between getting the job done and just thinking about it.

Dale Carnegie spoke to this aspect of perseverance:

“Don’t be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.”

Besides being goal-directed and daily, perseverance also relates to challenges and difficulties encountered. We don’t usually recount: “Yea, I persevered through the flat terrain; the cool, dry but sunny weather; and the course that was on a really smooth track.” No, perseverance has to do with persisting and enduring through difficulties. Those difficulties may be external obstacles, they may be unrealized dreams (that is, you did x, y and z and you still haven’t reached your goal), or they may be the result of weaknesses you personally have or in your plan.

Ralph Waldo Emerson proclaimed:

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.”

I think is it is interesting (and important) to look at the opposite side — what does “not persevering” look like? Giving up. Becoming weary. Losing heart. Not continuing. And sometimes — complaining, blaming, and making excuses.

I just read a fascinating book this week, recommended by my father-in-law, The War Journal of Major Damon “Rocky” Gause, about a soldier who escaped from the Japanese in the Philippines and through perseverance, luck, the help of others, and the grace of God sailed with one other companion all the way to Austrailia. What impressed me from his story was he just kept going — problem-solving, waiting when necessary, and never giving up on his goal. Never in his journal did I pick up a tone of fatalism, blaming others or making excuses for the numerous bad circumstances he encountered.

So what does this all mean to us?

First, I think a fact of life that helps us persist through difficulties is to accept that there will be difficulties. Things will go wrong. We will experience obstacles and roadblocks. Some people will be against us. Okay. So … let’s keep going.

Secondly, it seems that persevering is easier when accompanied by others — but the “right” others. Stay away from complainers. Don’t hang out with those who consistently blame others or make excuses for repeatedly not reaching their goals. They will only become weights around your neck. Conversely, find others who are like-minded, who have similar passions and goals, and who already demonstrate the daily discipline of persisting. These are the people you want on your team.

And, maybe there are a couple of other things. Re-evaluate your goals — do you really want to reach them? Re-assess your plan — is it realistic? And read about others who have persevered through great difficulties to reach their goals as an encouragement for you to hang in there.

Have a great week — and hang in there!

I have observed a common pattern across many areas that I work (and live) — people avoiding dealing with tense or conflictual situations in their relationships with others. And almost always, not dealing with the situation creates additional problems or makes the conflict larger and more intense (often involving more people than were originally involved).

And it happens it lots of settings:

• in family businesses, between family members working together
• in office settings, between coworkers who can’t get a long
• in marriages, between spouses
• in extended families, between parents-in-law and their children’s spouse
• in schools, between teachers and parents of the students
• in wealthy families, between siblings who are inheriting wealth
• and on and on.

Now, I am not going to try to address all the issues relevant to conflict in relationships, that would require a book (or two). But let’s look at some core concepts.

First, why do people often try to avoid conflict? I think there are lots of potential reasons, but let’s identify a few.

1. Many people do not like emotionally-charged situations, and they feel if they raise the issue underlying the conflict, emotions will get out of control.
2. Most people don’t like others to act or communicate in an angry way towards them, and will almost anything to avoid this type of interchange.
3. Some individuals believe that, in conflict, someone must either “be wrong” or have done something wrong, and they don’t want to be accused of this.
4. Most of us, when we have done something wrong, don’t like admitting it or apologizing for our error.

The problem is — not dealing with conflict in a situation doesn’t make it go away. In fact, frequently, things get worse. When there is tension between two people, or when there is a relational break (that is, the two people are not communicating much at all, if any) — not dealing with the issue creates additional problems, including:

• Others notice the tension and it makes them feel uncomfortable.
• Communication between the two individuals becomes minimal and ineffective.
• Other people get pulled into the conflict, and often begin to “take sides”.
• The people involved in the conflict experience a lot more emotional tension in their lives, with their emotions “building up”, and often spilling over into other areas of their lives.
• The relationship becomes more and more distant, sometimes to the point of total cut-off between the two parties.

Now, I am not suggesting, that if you are in the midst of a conflict in one of your relationships, you should run out and “deal with it”. Why? Because most people who have the habit of avoiding conflict don’t have very good success at resolving conflictual situations on their own — they don’t haven’t been practicing how to deal with conflict in their daily lives (we all have it, you know), they have misbeliefs about what should be done (”we just need to sit down and talk it out”), and they may not have the skills to deal with the situation effectively.

So what should you do?

First, take stock of your relationships and see if there are any that currently have significant tension or conflict that is getting in the way. Admit to yourself that there is a relationship that needs attention.

Second, observe how the tension in your relationship is affecting your life and those around you. For you to seriously consider dealing with the situation, you are probably going to need to be convinced that the conflict is creating problems in your life. You may want to ask those close to you in the situation (coworkers, family members) how the tension affects them (don’t ask it in a way where you are looking for support for your position in the conflict).

If possible, seek some help from someone who can help you deal with the conflict in the relationship in a positive way. Get some counsel from someone you admire and observe that they seem to be able to address relational tensions in their lives in a healthy way. Sometimes it may be beneficial to talk to a professional counselor, business coach, or facilitator — to help you and the other person meet together to resolve the issues creating the conflict.

Do some reading that can help you grow in dealing with conflicts in your life. Whatever the conflict you are currently experiencing, if you are a habitual “conflict avoider”, be assured this will not be the last difficult relational situation you have to deal with — there will be more. So it would be wise to start to grow in your ability to deal with tensions in relationships in a healthy way. There is a great book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most that a number of my clients have found to be quite helpful in guiding them through tough conversations they needed to have with someone in their life. Additionally, Lewis Smedes has written an excellent book, The Art of Forgiving, that is also extremely helpful.

I have conflict in relationships in my life (just ask those close to me), and I am still learning how to deal with those tensions in a healthier manner — I think we all can. Let’s just commit together to not let tensions in relationships fester to the point where they poison our lives — it will make all of our lives healthier.

On this Father’s Day, I thought I would reflect some on the lessons I learned from my grandfathers.

My Grandpa White was the only child in his family and his father died when my grandpa was 16 years old. As a result, he became in charge of the small family farm and the “man of the house” at that young age. I heard stories growing up how my grandfather was a creative problem-solver. For example, he set up a water supply system from the spring on the farm to a storage tank in the farmhouse. He also was frugal, but figured out how to get what the family needed with the limited money they had — he would buy slightly damaged apples at the general store (and cut out the bad spots) for a significant discount.

My Grandpa White lived closed by our home and I spent a fair amount of time with him while growing up (I was the youngest grandchild, however, and he died when I was in high school). Some of things I remember about him and the lessons I learned from observing him:

• Make do with what you have. My grandfather, like most who lived through the Depression, saved all kinds of things (but not obsessively so) — nuts, bolts, pieces of wire, scraps of wood — which he then would creatively use to fix or make needed items. The related lesson was to keep using what you have (by maintaining and fixing it) in contrast to buying a new one.
• Enjoy the simple things of life. I have vivid memories of my grandpa smiling and enjoying a ripe piece of watermelon on a Saturday evening in the backyard, or shaking his head in pleasure, saying, “Mmmm, mmm” when eating homemade vanilla ice cream.
• Do the job right. My grandfather had a reputation of building things to last. I remember some wooden benches he built to use at a picnic bench at our family’s lake cabin — and he used heavy pressure treated rough-sawn 2×12’s with mammoth 16d galvinized nails. They were so heavy, you let somebody else move them!
• Do what is right and don’t complain when others don’t. My grandfather had the reputation in our community of quietly doing the right thing, serving others, and not drawing attention to himself. Similarly, there were a number of external circumstances which occurred in his life that created significant challenges for his family — like the government buying the family farm during WWII for far less than it was worth (the farm was next to a new ammunition plant). But I never heard him complain or tell stories with a tone of bitterness.

My Grandfather Tripkos (my mom’s father; his father immigrated from Czechoslovakia in the late 1800’s) was also a farmer, in the “bottom lands” next to the Kansas River. Although I was not as close my Grandpa Trikpos, he also taught me life lessons through his example:

• Enjoy life. My Grandpa had an infectious laugh. He was smiling constantly. He was always telling or making jokes. And he loved to laugh at others’ jokes. He was just plain fun to be around.
• Make time for family. My family lived 20 minutes from most of the Tripkos side of the family (grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins). But we frequently visited them (Saturday evenings, Sunday afternoons) and my Grandpa was in our home often, usually for meals. He often drove down for Sunday meals and was always there for major holidays. And I specifically remember pitching in a Little League All-Star game with grandpa there in the stands.

None of the lessons mentioned above are earth shaking — sort of like my grandfathers. They were solid men, not spectacular. They were faithful husbands and fathers for decades. They worked hard, provided for their families in spite of extraordinary life challenges (my Grandpa Tripkos’ farm and home were flooded during a major flood in 1951 — the family lost the home). But if I can live, and help my children live, with these lessons in our lives, that would be pretty good — solid, acceptable, just like the lessons themselves.

Although I am a psychologist who has published research myself, and reviews and uses research findings in my everyday work, those of you who have known me for a while also know I have a bit of a skeptical (and sometimes cynical) view of claims made by researchers (and even more so, claims reported in the mainstream media). Part of my skepticism is based on experience of seeing research questions, designs and results skewed by the researchers’ a priori biases (i.e. the beliefs they held prior to the research, which affected how they looked at the problem). And part of my cynicism is based on the stupid things that we sometimes research — like the research psychiatrists did over a ten year span to determine that infants have different temperaments. Psychologists, psychiatrists and other social scientists seem to “shine” more than others in the area of stupid research.

Having said all of that, I now can report that psychologists have verified what many of our parents told us when we were kids and teenagers — that “work is good for you“. Or, alternative expressions included: “It will be good for you to get out there and sweat for a while.” “Idle hands are the devil’s tool.” Or, “Work never hurt anyone.”

So, if you (or your kids and grandkids) come from the worldview that having research to back up your beliefs gives you more credibility, you can now say with confidence: “Research has shown that work is good for you — emotionally and for your overall psychological well-being.” People who work tend to be more emotionally healthy and they find more satisfaction in their lives.

Additionally, we know that the most important aspects of work-life to manage are the transitions — from student-life to work, from job to job, from work to nonwork (being laid off, staying home with children, retirement) and from nonwork to work (reentering the workforce after being out for a while).

Do we need research to tell us these points? Probably not. But I thought I’d share them with you. If you want more specifics, see the May-June 2008 edition of the American Psychologist.

Have a great week. And for those of us who are fortunate enough to have the privilege of working, be happy and remember that working this week will be good for your mental health.

I write about the principles of leadership that I either observe in successful business owners and managers, or what I read in books and articles on leadership. So it makes sense that I should try to apply these principles, as well.

Here I am, waiting in an airport, delayed due to weather in Chicago (where I am hoping to go). So I am trying to apply a couple of principles I frequently hear about — be prepared, and be willing to adjust to life’s circumstances.

I have traveled enough over the past several years to know that there is always a fair chance of delays. As a result, I load myself up with materials needed to get tasks done while waiting. Reading materials, paper & pad (for writing, in case I don’t have access to electricity and my battery dies), my laptop, and projects to work on — all are the typical supplies I bring. So right now, I am hooked into the airport computer access system and writing my blog for the week.

Those are my specifics for this week. What are yours? What things are wise or prudent for you to have with you in order to “be prepared”? It could relate to objects you need in your car in case you have a wreck or slide off the road. It could be items that would be good to have with you in case a meeting cancels or the person you are scheduled to have lunch with doesn’t show up.

Now the second principle — being able (and willing) to adjust to life circumstances. Part of this has to do with expectations — I now expect to have delays while flying between 33% to 50% of the time. So I try not to get exceptionally upset or frustrated when it happens. Delays are part of travel in the “hub and spoke” airline system we have.

The other part of adjusting to changes in circumstances is not having a schedule that is inflexible. If you are too tightly scheduled, there is no room for adjustment. And sometimes, your plans just aren’t going to happen as you plan. And I really am talking more broadly than about travel — life’s circumstances affect us when external forces outside of our control impact the economy and our business, when we have a car wreck, when we get sick, and so forth.

In what areas of your life are you too tightly scheduled? Where do you really get irritated or agitated when circumstances don’t go smoothly? For me, it’s often in the smaller spots of life — daily appointments, driving in traffic, not being able to reach people on the phone. For whatever reason, I seem to do better with the bigger events and struggle in the smaller ones. What are the growth areas for you in learning to adjust to changes in your life’s circumstances?

The final principle (the one that I was going to focus on in this entry before my travel delays occurred) is that of learning. A repetitive theme in the literature on leadership is that leaders (and future leaders) are learners. They learn from others. They are observant. They are self-motivated to learn through reading, seminars, and workshops.

One theme I have observed is that individuals who are successful in “life” (that is, in managing their lives personally and professionally) is that they often integrate principles and concepts from divergent areas. It it good to be knowledgeable and competent in your professional area of expertise. But, in many ways, that is baseline — it is expected. Leaders learn from other areas of life and apply those principles to their business or relationships. For example, I remember one author that taught relational leadership behaviors that he learned from his hobby of competitive sailing. Another executive of an organization I know is always asking his friends what they are learning.

I read a lot. And I try to “keep up” in the fields in which I practice — psychology, business succession, wealth transfer, family relationships, and the various struggles individuals and families have. But I find my true value comes when I can bring information from one area to another (e.g. I am finding parallels in the principles in working with family-owned businesses to the area of family foundations, many of the challenges are similar.)

The reason I was planning on writing on this “learning” principle is because I am headed to Chicago for training in a new computer-based program for ADHD individuals that has been shown to have an 80% success rate in helping them with the issues of attention, concentration, distractibility, organizational skills, difficulties learning & retaining information. The research is impressive and I am excited to learn about this program. I’ll let you know what I find out — and how it may relate to some seemingly unrelated area of life.

A fair amount of my time professionally is listening to individuals, families and organizations who are experiencing some challenges that they are trying to manage successfully. They describe to me a variety of problems and are looking for insight on what to do.

The issues range from individual behavior and feelings — anxiety about life, problems with anger management, patterns of communication which are viewed as condescending by others, uncertainty about one’s future career path — to problems solidly planted in the midst of relationships (marital conflict, a teenager or young adult who is demonstrating behavior problems and the parents don’t know what to do, a lack of trust among family members). And the challenges also can be more systemic or organizational — the lack of qualified managers who can “step up” to fill the gap when the current senior leaders retire, or current key employees who do not have the characteristics needed to be successful in their role.

Believe it or not, one of the most frequent questions I am asked is: “Do you think this is really a ‘problem’ or is it normal?” In essence, I am being asked: “Is this a ‘normal’ problem or is this something we should be concerned about?”

For example, parents aren’t sure if their teenager’s behavior is “normal teenage rebellion” or something greater. Or a manager doesn’t know if his direct report’s tendency to irritate his coworkers and those who work for him is “ok” and he should just let it ride, or if he should confront the issue.

Often, I give my clients some guidelines in order to determine if the problem is within the normal range of behavior (note that “normal” behavior includes challenges, weaknesses, and problem behavior) or if the pattern should be viewed more seriously. Here are a few ways to tell.

First, let’s clear the air on one viewpoint. Some people attempt to minimize problems they are having by saying: “There are lots of people who struggle with (xyz). It is not that big of a deal.” This is the adult version of the teenage justification, “Everyone is doing it!” The point trying to be made is that X behavior can’t really be problematic if it occurs frequently. Wrong. Ask the children of alcoholics or parents who are physically abusive (two high frequency behavior patterns). The level of frequency of a problem in a society has no bearing on its impact on individuals.

Ok, so here are the guidelines.

Frequency of the behavior. If a problem behavior (e.g. losing your temper and yelling at others) occurs once every six months, that is less of a concern than if the behavior occurs daily. Generally speaking, the more frequent a problem is demonstrated, the more concern there should be.

Intensity. Similarly, if the intensity of the behavior is fairly mild, this might be considered within the ‘normal’ range. But when the intensity is high, there is more concern. For example, if an employee is occasionally late to work five to ten minutes, that is not as significant as showing up two hours late (or not at all!) Anger reactions, drinking too much alcohol, anxiety, not fulfilling commitments made, etc. all fall into this realm.

Duration. If a behavior pattern has existed for 30 years (and potentially has grown worse over that time period), that is more problematic than a behavior that has just shown up recently. If a problem pattern has recently emerged, often we look for other stressors in the person’s life that may be temporary.

Generality. If a behavior pattern is pretty limited to one area of a person’s life, or one specific setting, that is less of a concern than if the behavior pattern can be seen in numerous setting. So if a manager relates to numerous people, in multiple settings, in a condescending or sarcastic way (with colleagues, with supervisors, with clients, with vendors, on the phone, in meetings, in email, out in public), then the “level” of the problem is more severe than if this style of communication only occurred with one vendor.

Impact on other areas of life. Some problem behaviors only impact one area of life (work, marriage, relationship with children). Some guys relate well to people at work and in the community, but treat their family members disrespectfully. Some people worry about their children, but the issue doesn’t bleed over into their work life, so that may not be as big of a concern.

Level of concern reported by numerous parties. When an individual raises issues or concerns about another person, whether it is at work or within a family, I view the situation differently than when the same issue is being raised by numerous people. (This is especially true when the individuals don’t seem to have any secondary gains to realize from reporting the problem.)

So, if we take all the issues together, a “normal” problem behavior is probably displayed infrequently, with mild to moderate intensity, maybe has only existed for a short while, and is fairly limited in its scope of where it is displayed.

Conversely, real “problem” behaviors are seen frequently, can be scary in their intensity, have been around a long time, and occur in numerous areas of the person’s life, and usually is creating significant disturbance in his or her life’s functioning.

One final comment. “Problem” problems need to be addressed. They will not go away on their own. And most significant problems are not easy to solve (if they were, they probably would have already been resolved.) “Problem” problems usually require multiple strategies to correct them successfully.