A fair amount of my time professionally is listening to individuals, families and organizations who are experiencing some challenges that they are trying to manage successfully. They describe to me a variety of problems and are looking for insight on what to do.

The issues range from individual behavior and feelings — anxiety about life, problems with anger management, patterns of communication which are viewed as condescending by others, uncertainty about one’s future career path — to problems solidly planted in the midst of relationships (marital conflict, a teenager or young adult who is demonstrating behavior problems and the parents don’t know what to do, a lack of trust among family members). And the challenges also can be more systemic or organizational — the lack of qualified managers who can “step up” to fill the gap when the current senior leaders retire, or current key employees who do not have the characteristics needed to be successful in their role.

Believe it or not, one of the most frequent questions I am asked is: “Do you think this is really a ‘problem’ or is it normal?” In essence, I am being asked: “Is this a ‘normal’ problem or is this something we should be concerned about?”

For example, parents aren’t sure if their teenager’s behavior is “normal teenage rebellion” or something greater. Or a manager doesn’t know if his direct report’s tendency to irritate his coworkers and those who work for him is “ok” and he should just let it ride, or if he should confront the issue.

Often, I give my clients some guidelines in order to determine if the problem is within the normal range of behavior (note that “normal” behavior includes challenges, weaknesses, and problem behavior) or if the pattern should be viewed more seriously. Here are a few ways to tell.

First, let’s clear the air on one viewpoint. Some people attempt to minimize problems they are having by saying: “There are lots of people who struggle with (xyz). It is not that big of a deal.” This is the adult version of the teenage justification, “Everyone is doing it!” The point trying to be made is that X behavior can’t really be problematic if it occurs frequently. Wrong. Ask the children of alcoholics or parents who are physically abusive (two high frequency behavior patterns). The level of frequency of a problem in a society has no bearing on its impact on individuals.

Ok, so here are the guidelines.

Frequency of the behavior. If a problem behavior (e.g. losing your temper and yelling at others) occurs once every six months, that is less of a concern than if the behavior occurs daily. Generally speaking, the more frequent a problem is demonstrated, the more concern there should be.

Intensity. Similarly, if the intensity of the behavior is fairly mild, this might be considered within the ‘normal’ range. But when the intensity is high, there is more concern. For example, if an employee is occasionally late to work five to ten minutes, that is not as significant as showing up two hours late (or not at all!) Anger reactions, drinking too much alcohol, anxiety, not fulfilling commitments made, etc. all fall into this realm.

Duration. If a behavior pattern has existed for 30 years (and potentially has grown worse over that time period), that is more problematic than a behavior that has just shown up recently. If a problem pattern has recently emerged, often we look for other stressors in the person’s life that may be temporary.

Generality. If a behavior pattern is pretty limited to one area of a person’s life, or one specific setting, that is less of a concern than if the behavior pattern can be seen in numerous setting. So if a manager relates to numerous people, in multiple settings, in a condescending or sarcastic way (with colleagues, with supervisors, with clients, with vendors, on the phone, in meetings, in email, out in public), then the “level” of the problem is more severe than if this style of communication only occurred with one vendor.

Impact on other areas of life. Some problem behaviors only impact one area of life (work, marriage, relationship with children). Some guys relate well to people at work and in the community, but treat their family members disrespectfully. Some people worry about their children, but the issue doesn’t bleed over into their work life, so that may not be as big of a concern.

Level of concern reported by numerous parties. When an individual raises issues or concerns about another person, whether it is at work or within a family, I view the situation differently than when the same issue is being raised by numerous people. (This is especially true when the individuals don’t seem to have any secondary gains to realize from reporting the problem.)

So, if we take all the issues together, a “normal” problem behavior is probably displayed infrequently, with mild to moderate intensity, maybe has only existed for a short while, and is fairly limited in its scope of where it is displayed.

Conversely, real “problem” behaviors are seen frequently, can be scary in their intensity, have been around a long time, and occur in numerous areas of the person’s life, and usually is creating significant disturbance in his or her life’s functioning.

One final comment. “Problem” problems need to be addressed. They will not go away on their own. And most significant problems are not easy to solve (if they were, they probably would have already been resolved.) “Problem” problems usually require multiple strategies to correct them successfully.

When I have the same issue repeat itself three times in one week in different settings, I reach the conclusion that I better write about the issue.

A growing issue for businesses is the challenge of finding quality employees. And, as we have discussed previously, it is currently equally difficult for individuals seeking work to find jobs which are a good match for their abilities and values.

As I shared this week with various employers, managers, and family business owners, there are four characteristics needed for a person to be successful in their career. And these characteristics are true, regardless of career level — from unskilled and skilled labor to highly educated professionals.

First, and most obvious, is technical or professional expertise. Regardless of industry type, or level of skill needed, almost every job requires some baseline ability, knowledge base, or technical ability — computer literacy, accounting/bookkeeping skills, welding ability, organizational skills, physical strength, knowledge of composite materials, etc. And this is the starting point for most position searches — can they . . . ? do they know how to . . .? have they been trained in and are competent to . . . ?

Secondly, an individual who is going to be successful in their current or future job position must be able to get along with others. I have yet to find a job (for pay) that does not have either customers, clients, co-workers, colleagues, supervisors or managers, vendors, supervisees. Every job requires at some level the ability to communicate with and get along with other people.

The third characteristic needed is the ability to manage oneself (particularly your emotions). As a psychologist and one who frequently deals with the emotional side of life, I have come to believe that we all have our own area of emotional vulnerability. For some, it is anger, or being easily frustrated. Depression (or at its less intense level, being easily discouraged) is the challenge for others. Being anxious, fearful, or worrying is a common area of struggle for many. Whatever the specific feeling category it may be, we all have to learn to manage these feelings, so that they don’t interfere with our ability to function in daily life. We have all witnessed otherwise talented individuals, who are “taken down” by their inability to manage their emotional life.

Finally, the characteristic of self-discipline and perseverance is core to being successful in one’s job and career. The ability to do the “daily grind” — to discipline yourself to do the basics of your job even when you don’t feel like it — is foundational to being productive. As I have stated before, when interviewing highly successful business people about their success, they often attribute “perseverance” as one of the central factors which led to their achievements.

Now, remember the title of this entry? “4-1 = 0″ has to do with the factor that if an individual lacks any one of these four characteristics, they probably will not achieve success in their chosen career field. Let’s face it. If you don’t have the technical capabilities in your field, you won’t go far. The same is true for not getting along with others. Or if your emotions get the best of you, your success will be limited. And if you don’t persevere or have the self-discipline to do the “day-in, day-out” tasks, you typically won’t go very far.

But the real issue is this. There aren’t many “4 for 4’s” out there — and they usually are already working for someone else. So what do you do?

I believe the easiest of the four characteristics to develop is the area of technical or professional expertise. Generally speaking, I would rather take a person who: (a) gets along well with others; (b) has good emotional balance; and (c) perseveres and has self-discipline, and then train them in the technical skill or knowledge base. I believe this is far easier than trying to develop one of the other three areas.

So I am encouraging managers and employers to look for good people and then train them. It seems often applicants have some foundational skills or aptitudes, but not to the level of competency the employer is seeking. I counsel these employers to hire people of good character and then invest in training them. So far, this counsel seems to prove to be a successful approach.

Now, I am hearing the thoughts of the business owners and managers out there saying, “easier said than done.” True. How do you find good people?

First, and foremost, good employees are referred to you by trusted friends and colleagues. (Hence, my repetitive call to network.)

The second best approach is to assess for these characteristics. There are measures of emotional intelligence, but I have found them to be only marginally helpful. However, over the past four months I have been investigating and becoming familiar with an assessmetnt tool that assesses not only personality style (measures like the Myers-Briggs or DISC are ubiquitous) but also character. No assessment tool is perfect, but this instrument (called the MERIT profile) has a good research base, and I have found it to be helpful in assessing potential employees. (If you contact the company, tell them you heard about them through my blog.)

Regardless of how you find good candidates, I believe the important point is for employers to focus more of their time and attention in employee selection on the three competencies which comprise emotional intelligence (relational skills, managing your emotions, self-discipline) and accept the fact that you will probably have to teach them the specific skill set needed in the job.

Ok. Confession time. I am feeling overwhelmed. It seems like I have more work (and other life tasks) to do than I have time and mental (or emotional) energy. [I can hear the thoughts now: “Physician (or psychologist), heal thyself!”]

Let me explain the reasons for my current condition (from my perspective, that is; my wife will probably have other factors she would add). I believe my “overwhelmedness” is a combination of both: (a) lifestyle, and (b) a convergence of circumstances.

On the lifestyle side, I tend to run at a fast pace, pack my days and weeks quite full, and expect to get a lot done in a short period of time. So if too many unexpected challenges arise or unplanned tasks pop up, I can run short on the time and energy to complete what is before me. I have battled over the years to keep some margin in my life and schedule — sometimes I do better than others.

Add to this life pattern the fact that I have had business meetings over the past two weekends (an unusual pattern for me), and I have become overwhelmed. Weekends for me are partly for “catching up” from the week, as well as rejuvenating myself. And the fact that I had meetings over the weekends meant that I actually created more work to “catch up” from. Hence, I feel I have more to do than possible in the time allotted.

So, I thought: “Well, let’s use this as a problem-solving lesson on what you should do when you feel overwhelmed.” (I’m generally ok with a moderate amount of self-disclosure.)

First, I need to take stock and see what really needs to get done and by when. For me, it is helpful to write down all the things I think I need to do, and then to start to prioritize them (either by timeframe [today, tomorrow, this week, later] or by rank ordering).

Then I have to engage in some “self-talk”. “Ok, what really has to get done today? Why? What will happen if it doesn’t?” Often, my timeframes for getting things done are more about how I will look to others (i.e. what I think they will think of me if I don’t get it done as soon as I think I should). Usually, I am able to convince myself that not everything has to be done “right now”, and that I am going to let some items slide — for my own mental health. [For example, I am two days late in getting this posting out — which is my own timeframe; I decided no one would die if if came out late.]

With my newly re-prioritized list, I then look and see which tasks or items I could delegate to someone else, rather than do them myself. Many times there aren’t too many items I can hand off. Additionally, some of us (myself included) have the pattern of taking on too much and often look to others to “help us out”. This is ok in a work setting, if you have an administrative assistant whose job is to do these types of tasks. Both the pattern becomes problematic if we consistently overcommit ourselves and ask our spouses, family members, friends or colleagues to bail us out.

After delegating whatever I can (appropriately), it is now time to “dive in”. This means I start on the most important task and work on it until it is completed. Then I tackle the second most important task. The challenge is keeping focused, not getting distracted by minor interruptions, and working until the task is complete. Having a number of partially-completed important tasks does not bring the sense of relief and accomplishment that comes with successfully and fully completing a highly important task.

If you are truly overwhelmed (by my definition, at least), you are not going to “dig out” in one day. It is a longer term situation. Therefore, my next principle is to keep doing those things that are necessary to re-energize and rejuvenate you. Now is not the time to quit exercising. It is not the time to load yourself up with chemicals that give temporary energy or relief, but which will create a backlash (think sugar, chocolate, caffeine, alcohol). And don’t significantly reduce the amount of sleep you get. When getting caught up from being “buried”, we use a lot of mental and emotional energy. Sleep deprivation will just make matters worse. Now, realistically speaking, we may cut back on our exercise program, or work later (or get up earlier) to a degree, but the issue is one of moderation.

Two more points. First, celebrate the victories. As you knock off tasks that needed to be completed, be sure and take time to feel good about it. Take a breath, stretch and say, “OK, that one is done.” Then dive in to the next task (it generally doesn’t help the overall plan by celebrating for hours!)

Second, make decisions today that will not continue to create the overwhelmed pattern next week. Say “no”, “that will have to wait”, “I’ll have to get back to you on that one.” Probably one of my biggest problems is continuing to say “yes” or to fill my calendar, leaving little time for margin. So check yourself and make sure you aren’t putting yourself in a “repeat this bad week” mode for the future.

Finally, I have been focusing primarily on getting the tasks done. But the real cost of feeling overwhelmed is how it impacts our relationships with others. We are rushed. We don’t have time to talk. We are irritable and “short”. We become primarily self-focused on our lives and what we feel we need to get done. We are unavailable (physically and emotionally.) And although those around us who care about us are willing to “put up” with us for a while, over the long term, these characteristics can really damage the relationship. [Guilty as charged. Gotta go talk to my wife.]

As one of my friends often says, “Life is daily.” And this is the time of year that proves the point. Mid-January, February, and March is the time of year where we often have to just “gut it out” on a daily basis. The holidays are over, most vacations are done, and now is the time to get stuff done. This is true for students, in work, in physical fitness, and all parts of our lives.

Another friend of mine has observed and commented that some people are good at the daily discipline of life, others do well in making major life decisions, while few people seem to perform well in both arenas. What does it take to do well in daily life?

I know a guy who seems to have mastered daily life. Although he is a real-life guy, we’ll call him Jerry. Jerry is a fairly bright guy, but not stellar. In college, he had to work harder than most of his peers and did so, obtaining predominately B’s, with some C’s, at a tough private college. He graduated with a degree in humanities, and later obtained a master’s degree in International Studies.

Jerry also was a decent athlete, but sort of short and stocky. He built his body up through daily discipline — running (even in subzero weather) and weightlifting regularly. He played high school football, did intramurals in college, and then continued to maintain his physical fitness through his 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. In fact, he pushed himself and successfully completed Rangers training in the Army on his first try (which is highly unusual).

In his career, Jerry did what he was supposed to (and really, beyond what was expected) on a day-to-day basis. He demonstrated personal discipline, integrity, and service to others — and as a result, he was repeatedly promoted and given more and more responsibility. Over time (in fact, several years), Jerry moved up within his organization — in fact, to become the top assistant for the general who was in charge of all NATO troops in Europe. He was invited to attend the training program for generals but declined to do so, in order to focus more on his family.

Since that point in time, Jerry has been actively involved in the lives of his children, started a business, and also is a spiritual leader within his community. Although not excessively financially wealthy, he provides for his family and has a solid marriage.

If you were to meet Jerry, you would say he is a friendly guy, and would strike you as “solid”. He is not necessarily charismatic or flashy, and many looking from the outside would not view him as excessively “successful” in the terms many define as “success” (financial wealth, fame, career advancement).

But to me, Jerry is a model. He is a man whom I want to emulate my life after — he has mastered the daily grind in multiple areas of his life.

So, for you (and for me), the question is: Where in our lives do we need to be faithful to do the daily speel? Schoolwork? Those work responsibilities which are not fun but are core to the success of your position? Physical exercise? Time with family members? Limiting financial spending and increasing saving?

So take a minute or two. Maybe review those New Year’s Resolutions you made. And determine where you want to demonstrate consistent daily discipline, which will serve as a building block for your future success. Just like Jerry.

I am pleased to share the following article which was published in the business section of today’s Wichita Eagle.  If you want to send others to it at the Eagle, the link is  http://www.kansas.com/business/perspectives/story/209379.html .

Networking Can Maximize the Search for Good Hires

I was talking to a friend who is the vice president for business development at his company. He was looking for a new project manager. “If you hear of anyone who may fit the qualifications, have them contact me,” he said. 

I asked him why couldn’t he find someone through the regular processes — the classifieds or employment Web sites. “Finding good people is tough,” he said. “You get hundreds of resumes from the online sources, but over 50 percent aren’t even close to being qualified. That still leaves 80 to 100 resumes to sift through, call, and take through the process. I don’t have the time, and it is like finding a needle in a haystack. It is easier to find someone through my business relationships.” 

As I work with businesses both locally and nationally, this is an oft-repeated scenario. Business managers are frustrated with the difficulty of locating qualified and quality employees. Interestingly, on the other side, I also see young adults who are having difficulty entering the job market — and they offer similarly negative reports about the application process. 

The hiring and job search system isn’t working well. Why? We have the technology and electronic connectedness to reach out to millions of potential workers across the world. But we do not have the systems in place to process all of the information, and get the right kind of information to help match employers and potential employees. 

“Good” employees — those who work well in a specific business — must not only have the right kind of technical training and expertise, but they also must match the cultural milieu of the company — its communication style, dress code and work ethic. Employers are looking for positive character qualities, as well: a desire to learn, the ability to work well on a team with others, dependability, attention to detail, willingness to follow directions. It is extremely difficult to determine whether an applicant has these qualities through their resume, an interview or a conversation with references. 

Managers often default to the method that has worked in the past: networking. It isn’t perfect, but getting referrals from those who know you and your business is still one of the best ways to find someone who may fit well with your company. Here are some tips on how to maximize your networking in today’s business climate: 

• Don’t wait until you have an open position to let people know you are looking for good people. I have a successful businessman who repeatedly tells me: “If you know of any good people looking for work, send them my way. Give them my cell number and have them call me. We are always looking for good people.” I have done so, and he has hired people I have referred to him. • Talk to (or e-mail) friends and business associates who are well-connected and know a lot of people. Don’t just talk to your normal circle of friends. Include your CPA, financial advisor, insurance agent, pastor and your business associates who are out talking to people a lot. 

• Develop a page on your company’s Web site describing the types of people you are looking for. You can more fully describe the character qualities, types of jobs and training, and your business’ culture and values. Make sure you provide the name, phone number or e-mail of a person to contact for more information. This is not about posting specific jobs; it is a resource to direct friends to. • Create ongoing relationships with trainers and educators. Get to know the faculty at the local colleges. Meet with the instructors at the vocational/technical schools. And be sure to find ways to keep in touch with the career placement counselors at each training institution in your community. 

• In the areas where you will have ongoing staffing needs, create internships or part-time positions for students. The best way to land good talent is to get them while they are being trained.  Finding — and keeping — quality employees will be one of the distinguishing characteristics of successful companies in the decades ahead. Don’t stay stuck in the current nonfunctional system.  

Following up last week’s entry on the risk of drug and alcohol abuse in wealthy families, the second risk from growing up in an affluent family I see among second- and third-generation family members is an overall sense of being “lost” in life. I frequently interact with individuals who have been raised in a wealthy environment, and they really don’t have a sense of purpose or meaning in their lives. Sometimes they are just “floating” and sort of hanging out. Other times they want to “go somewhere” and do something meaningful, but can’t find the right direction.

I have some observations about this dynamic and some possible underlying reasons. Although work is not the sole purpose or reason for living (thankfully), work does bring structure to our lives. As I have stated before, our culture has misperceptions about the purpose of work — primarily that we work to earn money. Thus, if a person or family has excess money for their needs and desires, they sometimes see no reason why they should have to work.

The problem with this view is that work is much more. The process of working provides us with the opportunity to learn, to try new tasks, to be exposed to new information and experiences, to develop new skills and abilitites, to problem solve and persevere, to create, to serve others, to accomplish tasks with our hands and see the results of our efforts. Just like the pleasure that comes from completing a difficult physical task out in nature — like climbing a mountain or running a marathon — so there is an innate sense of satisfaction that comes from working hard and completing a task. Also, when one does have to earn money to pay the bills or to save up to buy a car, there is the pride of accomplishment.

Individuals who come from families of wealth in some ways could be seen as being deprived of the opportunity to experience some of these feelings. There is an ancient Middle Eastern proverb that states, “The worker’s hunger drives him to work”. That is, when you are in need, you are motivated to work. Conversely, (and many political and economic policies are based on this belief) when a person feels no need or want, many people are not as motivated to work.

This issue speaks directly to parenting in our country and in wealthy families. If a child has everything they need, want, or could ever desire given to them (or provided for them), why should they work? What is the purpose of saving money if you know you will get the latest video iPod at Christmas or a luxury sportscar when you turn 16? If all you have to do is wait for the next holiday or birthday, and you will get whatever you want, why plan ahead or work on long-term goals?

So I propose that parents (and grandparents) engage in planned non-giving. Yes, you have the money to buy x,y or z. And yes, it would be a neat opportunity for your grandchild to go on an educational trip to (fill in the blank). But I suggest it would be better for them to have to earn some things (and experiences) themselves — and it will take longer for this to happen or they may “miss out” on some experiences, but the overall results in their life will be healthier.

One very wealthy family ($100M+) with whom I worked in Texas had it right, I think. The teenage kids had to pay for 50% of the cost of their first car. And their money had to come from either wages earned or birthday/Christmas money (that is, no trust money was involved). Plus, they had to pay for one half of their auto insurance. So the kids had choices to make. Play sports and work less, or work more and not go out for cross country. Buy a car now or save some more and get a nicer car in six months. This created an interesting problem for the family. One of the sons bought an older “beater” car, which was fine with the family. But many of the family’s wealthy friends would not let their children ride in the car because they did not feel it was sufficiently safe. Oh well.

One of the ancillary results of this issue — the lack of purpose and direction in life — has led me to do quite a bit of career coaching for family members. From teens to college students to young adults, and even middle aged adults — helping them find purposeful activity where they feel like they are using their skills and talents to help others or to do something productive with their life. Note that this is not necessarily an easy task, as has been addressed by a number of books, (see some of the resources put out by The Inheritance Project).

The “answer” to this issue is obviously not simple (”what is the purpose and meaning of your life?” “Why was I born into this set of fortunate circumstances?”). However, I do believe it is easier for individuals to actively engage in seeking the answers when there is a sense of struggle in life. Just like muscles become stronger when we push against resistance, so the fabric and core of “who we are” develops and becomes more clear when we have to struggle in life.

So, if you are a parent or grandparent, do your kids and grandchildren a favor. Don’t make everything easy for them. Don’t problem-solve for them all the time. Let them struggle. Give them the opportunity to persevere and overcome challenges (or maybe not) on their own. Through these difficulties they will gain the true sense of satisfaction in life that you want them to experience.

I apologize to my friend, Thayer Willis, for borrowing from the title of her excellent book, Navigating the Dark Side of Wealth, for this entry, but I really couldn’t think of a better description of the topic.

As I work with financially successful families across the country, I repeatedly see three negative patterns in family members. Most often (but not always) the problems are seen in second generation (children) and third generation (grandchildren) family members. The most serious of the three is drug and alcohol abuse. [I plan to address the other two themes in future postings.]

Drug and Alcohol Abuse

This is the “black hole” into which many individuals have fallen, some of whom spend their whole lives trying to escape from it. Unfortunately, others cease trying and either slowly kill themselves over time or end their lives abruptly.

Why do many wealthy family members struggle with drug and alcohol addiction? There are many possibilities, but I will share my own observations.

First, we need to recognize that many individuals struggle with drug and alcohol abuse, regardless of their financial status. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, in 2006 approximately 20 million Americans (8.3% of the population ages 12 and older) used illicit drugs within the month prior to the survey. Similarly, 23% of individuals 12 and older reported binge drinking at least once in the past month and 6.9% of the population reported heavy drinking (defined as binge drinking on at least 5 days in the past 30 days).  Interestingly, the binge drinking rate was 42% for young adults aged 18 to 25 and the rate of heavy drinking was 15%.  So we should expect a similar incidence rate for families of wealth. It may seem to some that the frequency of substance abuse is higher in wealthy families, but this may just be perception or the fact that these families often are more visible within the community. Regardless, I think the pathway of substance abuse for individuals from wealthy families has some unique characteristics.

The Pursuit of Pleasure. For some families their use of wealth is to pursue fun, excitement and pleasure. From the time the children are young, they go numerous exotic trips and the kids are sent to lengthy (four to six week) prestigious camps during the summer. As they become preteens and adolescents, they go on vacations every Christmas vacation and Spring break – to the family’s condo in Aspen for skiing, and to the beach house in Hawaii, the Caribbean or Mexico, along with cruises and excursions to Europe. In their later teens, they obviously go to the most challenging prep school (and many times, boarding school), drive luxury sports cars or SUVs, and basically pursue having a lot of fun. It is during this period (if not in middle school) that they start drinking, “partying”, and experimenting with drugs (usually pot and Ecstasy first).

The combination of access to easy money, a lot of free time, not much parental supervision, and a drive toward excitement leads to an expanded use of drug and alcohol. I believe additional factor includes a lack of purpose and meaning in life beyond pursuing pleasure.

In our culture, the primary view of work is for the purpose of earning money (to support yourself and buy what you need or want). If you have a lot of money (or your family does), the belief is that you really don’t need to work. So studying hard in school loses its meaning and finding a career direction isn’t a high priority (“I can always work for the family business or foundation.”)  In situations like this, it can be hard to find purpose or meaning in life beyond pursuing pleasure (see Jessie O’Neil’s book, The Golden Ghetto for her personal reflections on this issue.)

The coup d’etat of drug and alcohol abuse in wealthy families is that it is really difficult for the individual to “hit bottom”. It doesn’t take much money to keep an addict going (as evidenced by the homeless, unemployed alcoholics) and many wealthy family members have access to an almost unlimited amount of money. So how are they going to “reach the end of their rope”? Unless families take a very tough stand – to the point of seeming mean – the bottom may never be reached. And so the drug and alcohol use continues indefinitely.

Now, it is easy to describe a problem. It is far more difficult to give an answer.

I am not an addictions expert, by any stretch of the imagination. Each individual’s situation is unique, and there are many contributing factors to addictive behavior. However, I would suggest the following issues that families of wealth need to consider:

1. Be actively involved in your children’s lives. Do not parent by proxy, delegating your parenting to others. Be involved in their school activities and their peer relationships. Don’t be so busy with your activities that you are unable to supervise what is going on in their lives.

2. Identify the purpose and meaning of your family’s wealth and teach this to your children. Is your wealth only for your benefit? I believe if your view of wealth is primarily for your comfort and pursuit of pleasure, you run the risk of significant problems in your family in the future.

3. Understand that the purpose of “work” is more than earning money. Work (whether it is for money, volunteering, or chores at home) brings meaning to life. Using our time, energy and talents for the service of others gives us a sense of purpose. We need to work to develop our skills and abilities, and to find out what we are good at, and what we enjoy doing.

Like any aspect of parenting, there are no guarantees. I view these three issues as “vitamins” in a family’s life that can lead to a healthy family and help reduce the likelihood of serious problems.  There is much more which can be discussed regarding this topic, and I don’t want to diminish the seriousness of the issue with a light treatment.  But I think a brief introduction to some preventative steps that can be taken can hopefully cause some deeper thought with significant results down the road.

Music, and how it is performed, seems to serve as an interesting analogy to business.

A solo features a single, star performer – and in the true sense of a soloist, they perform totally by themselves (although they may sing while accompanying themselves on an instrument). Truly talented soloists are entertaining and able to maintain the audiences attention. But less than stellar soloists become rather boring and repetitive after a while.

More interesting is a soloist with some back-up musicians. The soloist is still the featured performer and the focus of the performance, but with additional support musicians (piano, guitar, bass, percussion) they become much more versatile, able to pull off different styles of music, and the sound is much more full.

Obviously, groups of musicians can range from two or three to extremely large. Although duets are pleasing and interesting with their dual harmonics, they carry many of the same limitations that soloists do.  Duets obviously have more variety than a single performer but they don’t bring much breadth to the performance.

In Western-based music (remember there are many traditions of music based on different instruments, different rhythms and even differing harmonic scales – African, Oriental, Caribbean, Hawaiian, etc.) the harmonics from a trio (and even more so, a quartet) provide a richer, fuller experience. A vocal group featuring the harmony of three voices, to a traditional soprano / alto / tenor / bass arrangement, gives the listener an amazing variety of sounds and experiences – partly because they can either perform in synchronization rhythmically (that is, they move from one note to the next at the same time) or each part can move independently across the musical piece. Usually this movement is designed to be harmonious, but sometimes there is dissonance (experienced as conflict) as one musician moves from their current note, “through” a transition note, to the note which brings resolution.

In music played by a group, different roles are required. There is the leader who sets the tempo of the music and attempts to keep the group playing together through the song. This musician may or may not be the star performer who plays the dominant instrument or who is the flashy talent that brings the sparkle to the performance (and often is not).

There are obviously secondary players who enrich the overall sound and quality of the music, and many times are “role players” – they are solid in what they do, but they are not star performers. Some support musicians add tremendous value by their versatility – being able to play a number of instruments, filling in where needed.

Another factor is that some musicians’ skill set is best suited for highly structured music (e.g. classical orchestral music) where they are given the exact notes to play, and even instructed how loud to play by the conductor. While other musicians do better with less structure and they are given the ability to improvise within the global structure of the music (e.g. jazz or bluegrass).

And in many performing groups there is a manager – someone who administers the logistics of the group – setting up performances, getting contracts signed and collecting payment, arranging for transportation and lodging – and many times, managing interpersonal conflicts among team members.

More and more, there are technical support members – primarily sound technicians and lighting technicians – who help produce the show and are critical to the success of the performance. Without them, the musicians would not be seen or heard adequately.

I will not insult your intelligence by drawing specific analogies or lessons for business from the roles described. However, I would encourage you to think through your business team. Identify what role(s) you play.  Figure out who keeps the rhythm of the group and helps everyone perform together.  It may be helpful to think about those secondary players who do not receive a lot of attention or accolades, but who really make the rest of the group sound (or look) good. Who helps manage the logistics and / or goes behind the scenes and resolves developing conflicts among team members? Are there group members that don’t perform harmoniously or in rhythm with the rest of the group (they play to their own beat or they don’t want to play the same song as the rest of the group)? If so, what needs to be done? And do you have the right type of musicians, given the type of music your group plays?

Whatever the answers are for your group, I hope you enjoy the music you are playing together and that you are able to create beautiful music together!

This week I have been asked to present to my local Chamber of Commerce on “Work / Life Balance”.  After thinking about it for a while, I chose to use the Superball as an object lesson.  Now for those of you who are young and don’t know much about the Superball, let me fill you in.

The Superball was marketed by Wham-O (who also sold Hula hoops in the early 60’s, and the Frisbee in the 70’s).  Introduced in the summer of 1965, by that Christmas they had sold 7 million balls (for 98 cents each). What was amazing about the Superball (the originals were about an inch in diameter) is that they could bounce over houses, and as they went down the street they almost seemed to pick up speed.  They were fun because with just a little effort, they could bounce all around the house (or office). 

What does the Superball have to do with balancing work and the rest of our lives?  Well, there are different sized Superballs — the regular 1″ diameter and then larger ones up to 3″ — which look really cool and like they could go incredibly high.

These large Superballs remind me of superstars in our culture — people who look like they “have it all together” — maybe some movie stars, rich athletes, and multimillionaire business owners.  The problem is — they really don’t have it all together (as the news media reminds us virtually every day).  They actually have some big chunks of their lives missing, like this. 

You see, it is a very, very rare person who is “larger than life”, who is successful in multiple areas of their life, and who is well balanced.  The reason is — we only have so much time and energy, and if you devote it almost exclusively to succeed in one area of life (business, sports, entertainment), then the other areas of your life are short-changed.  And, as a ball, you may look good (if the missing piece is hidden), but you don’t bounce “true” — you get off-course.

So I propose the following “ABC’s of Work - Life Balance”.

Apply what you already know.  Most of us know what we need to do in life.  We don’t need more information.  There is no “new groundbreaking research” that is going to solve the issue.   We just need to consistently do what we know we should.

Balance?  No one I know can “balance” a ton of bricks and a truckload of concrete.  The issue really isn’t “balance”.  The problem is that we are trying to do too much and, (surprise!) as a result, we feel overwhelmed.  The feeling isn’t perception; it is reality.  You really are trying to do too much.  Let’s look at some of things we are all trying to keep in balance:

Work (including email, voicemail, “mail” mail);  Family (Spouse, kids, parents, extended family); Daily life tasks (cooking, laundry, lawncare, car maintenance, grocery shopping, errands, paying the bills);  Finances;  Community life (civic organizations, volunteering, church, school-based activities); Maintaining our health (physical fitness, leisure and recreation, spiritual growth, social support); Friendships; Career education & training; and so forth.

So what is the answer?  Well, we first trying something called:

Cutting back?  This is where we try to survive by ceasing to do some activities in our lives.  The problem is:  what we “cut back” on is almost always those activities that maintain our long-term health — physical exercise, rest and sleep, true restorative leisure activities, spiritual reflection, vacations (weekends), and friendships.  So we wind up just shooting ourselves in the foot (I started to write “slitting our throat” which is probably more accurate, but too gruesome).  But what we really need to do is –

Create space.  This may sound the same as “cutting back” but the focus is different.  We need to take out those time and energy wasters (some are small, some are big) from our daily and weekly lives, and create space for the truly important parts of our lives.  I have been working on this for the past several months and the quality of my life has improved, from my perspective.  It’s like this.  A friend of mine recently came back from two weeks of uninterrupted vacation in the Rocky Mountains.  He proclaimed that he and his family did not watch TV, watch any movies, listen to the radio, check their email or read the newspaper for two weeks and “it was wonderful”.  He then indicated he is going to try to keep these activities to a minimum, because he realized he “really didn’t need them.”  This may sound extreme to some, but have you ever been away from the news for three to four days, come back and realize that you really didn’t miss much of importance? 

My point is this — there are a lot of mental & emotional space “eaters” that don’t really add significantly (if at all) to the quality of our lives.  And if we remove these, we can create “space” for more meaningful activities.  Possible suggestions:  don’t listen to the news while getting dressed in the morning; don’t listen to music while driving or commuting; turn off “talk radio” or your iPod; only read the paper once a week; quit checking online news multiple times a day; turn off the TV.  Even with these potentially small actions you are “freeing up” a fair amount of mental space — time and processing energy that will allow some creative thinking. 

Additionally, most of us need to learn to say “no”.   It works best if you link your “no” to a choice of something else more important to you.  “I’m sorry.  I’d like to but I don’t have the time because of my commitments to my family.  But thanks for asking!”  And really, we have to say ”no” repeatedly because they will keep asking.  Often we’ll agree to do something out of fear — fear they will get mad, fear they won’t like us, being afraid they won’t ask us again.  The problem is — if we make choices for our time and energy driven by fear (especially of what others will think of us), this leads to an out-of-control life.  So, say “no” — it will be okay, really!

The final suggestion is –

Do something.  Don’t try to change your whole life at once.  Just make a little change — one thing today, or this weekend.  Don’t be afraid to “fail” (i.e. not be consistent in your attempt to change).  Try something for a while, then try something else.

The real point is this — don’t try to be a big, oversized Superball and do everything you can to look like “everything is ok”.  You can’t do it all.  No one can (I don’t think).  Pull back — be ok with being a “regular” Superball who is balanced.  It is a lot more fun, and you really do bounce pretty high!

We all only have one life to live.  Be sure and live it in a way that brings joy to you and those around you.

“What is the purpose of work?” is both a personal question for me and a key question for many of the families with whom I work (although they don’t necessarily ask it directly like that).  Consistent with the stereotype of a hardworking Midwestern farmer, I am a pretty hard-working guy (I am not a farmer, but come from that heritage). So I work fairly long hours, but probably more importantly, I work consistently — not taking many days off or vacations. Not bragging. Not looking for either respect or sympathy. Just describing the situation.

And the question, “What is the purpose of work?”, is relevant to many of my clientele families at many levels. For many, they no longer have to work in order to support themselves or their families. They have been successful in business, investing, or wealth-creation of some kind and now have sufficient financial resources for the rest of their lives. But most (not all) continue in some form of work — investing their time, energy and intellectual capital in new endeavors. Why?

And the purpose (or meaning) of work intersects their lives at another level — their children (and sometimes grandchildren) either currently have or will have access to more than enough money and financial assets that they really will never have to work in order to support themselves or their families. So the question becomes: Why should they work? (or even prepare for working through education?) A somewhat easy question to answer at a theoretical or principle-based level, but far more difficult in real life conversations when your kids ask the question.

I am not presupposing I have all the potential answers to these questions, but I have thought it through some (and discussed the issue with a lot of people). So here are some of my thoughts.

First, let me define what I mean by “work”. I am talking about meaningful and productive life activity. It does not only mean a paying job — most adults do some forms of work that are not paying (making meals, doing the dishes, lawncare, paying the bills, laundry) — although many wealthy individuals and families hire these tasks out to others. I think probably the most undervalued form of non-paying work is parenting, and more specifically, mothering. Mothers work long, hard hours; they don’t get paid; and they don’t typically get much in return (accolades, thanks, recognition). Mothering is, flat out, a tough job. There are additional non-paying jobs in the forms of community service and volunteering. So work is not defined by payment in this context.

In fact, that segues into one of the core questions about work in our culture today — if you have enough money, why work? And the converse of this question actually is the implicit (and sometimes explicitly stated) goal for many — “I want to get rich and have a lot of money so I can quit my job and never have to work again!” Aside from fame, I think this is the primary driving force for those who desire to be professional athletes, movie stars, entertainers, record producers, and possibly many entrepreneurs.

The inferred meaning of work from this perspective is: The purpose of work is to make money.

So if you have “enough” money (which is a personal definition), you don’t have to work. This is where the dilemma intersects with children and heirs of significant financial wealth — if the primary purpose of work is to make money, and we have all the money we need, why should I go get a job? And why should I study hard in school to get a job I don’t need?

The problem is, from my perspective, this is a limited view of work. Work, besides making money, is meaningful daily life activity — making something, serving someone, providing something of worth to others (either individually or to the community in which you live [local or globally]). And I believe it is woven into the nature of humans to both desire meaningful, productive activity and to gain satisfaction from the same.

This actually creates some challenges in some kinds of work — you don’t always see the product of your time and effort. In my field of counseling and consulting, my “products” are somewhat ethereal. You can’t always see the results of my efforts (sometimes not immediately, but later; sometimes for a brief time period and then they seem to dissipate; sometimes not ever!) So I counteract this by doing more physical tasks in my avocational time — trimming trees, writing an article — a task where I can see some type of visible result.

Now, for me personally, I am not in the situation where I am able to “not work” (for pay). I still need income to support my family. But even for me, I ask (especially when I am weary or discouraged) — besides earning money, for what purpose am I working? What am I trying to accomplish? What am I accomplishing? Does it matter? To whom? (And does it matter if it makes any difference to someone else?) [To those of you with whom I work, I am not indirectly looking for accolades or reassurance of my efforts — I am letting you in on my internal thought processes.]

One of the reasons I went into the counseling profession initially was because I wanted to make a difference in people’s lives, rather than manufacture (or sell) some physical object that may or may not really enhance the quality of anyone’s life. But that is a value decision on my part. And even so, is that the core reason to work — to make a difference in people’s lives, or to improve the world? Maybe, maybe not.

Besides these reasons, what are other purposes of work? For some, there is a spiritual aspect. For others, work can be the mechanism through which they discover themselves and become all they were meant to be.

Realistically speaking, I think work can become the measure by which we attempt to gain self-worth (to some, being a Vice President of a company means you are better as a person than if you were a factory assemblyman). And I think it is also a way we try to gain acceptance or recognition from others — other people will think more of us if we are more “successful” in our careers. No judgment here on these, just laying it on the line.

So the question remains — what is the purpose of work? Why do you do what you do? Is it just because you “have to” (or you feel you have to)? Think about it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A related, interesting question to me is: what is the purpose of leisure? (Especially since, from my perspective, our culture pursues leisure like a cocaine addict pursues their next fix.)