Recently, I went to our state high school track and field championship meet — it is a wonderful spectacle — thousands of student athletes, coaches, friends and family members in one stadium. Vibrant colors are displayed in the uniforms, supportive T-shirts and baseball caps, and tents (to keep the students out of the sun). Lots of sunshine, sunscreen and water bottles.

The Saturday morning before I went to the meet to watch a friend run in the sprinting events (100 meter, 200 meter, 4 x 100 meter relay), I went for a jog by my house — which meant I was running on a dirt road with pot holes and “washboard” on the road. In the evenings, my wife and I often take walks together down the road, as well.

And I started thinking about the differences between walking, jogging and sprinting — both physically, but also in life.

Sprinting. Sprinting is cool. It is flashy. In track, the sprint events are the high profile events. At the highest level of competition, the winner of the 100 meter dash is known as “the fastest man in the world”. And man, these guys and gals can fly. They are smooth and they move with beauty.

But the events only last 10 to 50 seconds, depending on the event. “Crack”, goes the starting pistol. The athletes fly down the track. And then it is over. Someone often gets hurt — falling at the finish line, or pulling up gimpy with a pulled muscle.

Jogging. Jogging — or in track, the long distance races (1600 meters [the metric equivalent of a mile], 3200 meters or the 4 x 800 relay) — are less flashy. For some, they are boring. Young women and men steadily running around the track several times. There is a little excitement and jostling for position at the beginning of the race. Many times there is an exciting finish between two runners sprinting for the finish. (And many times there is no excitement, given the large distance between the runners.) The runners are exhausted at the end and require quite a bit of time to recover from the race.

Walking. In most track meets, there are no walking races. At longer running events (2 mile races, 10K races) they may have a two mile walking race, but they aren’t very common. Walking just isn’t much of a sporting event for most people. It is boring to watch for very long. It isn’t as physically demanding for the individual — so most athletes pursue other events.

Let’s discuss some observations and lessons for daily life that can be derived from the characteristics and differences between walking, jogging and sprinting.

Sprinting is flashy, takes a lot of talent and preparation but isn’t used much in daily life. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the need to sprint (literally, to run as fast as I can for a short distance) very often. Jogging is more for trying to keep in shape. But mostly, I walk.

In life, there are people I see from a distance or occasionally meet who seem incredibly cool. They are mega-talented, have a lot of style, and they seem to have the world by the tail. They go at a fast pace and are high profile.

But as I watch them over the long haul, many of them don’t really have staying power. They are a “flash in the pan” — bright lights & a lot of energy — but they are gone tomorrow. And often, their careers are short.

If I get in the mode of trying to sprint at work — moving real fast, making quick decisions, trying to impress others, and being primarily focused on image — I burn out fast. I don’t really get that much done. And I burn a lot of resources that require substantial time to recover. And often, I make mistakes.

Jogging takes a fair amount of effort and the distance people can jog varies greatly. Some people are in better shape than others (obviously). But even among runners, their stamina differs greatly — and you can’t necessarily tell by just looking at them.

In life, individuals differ significantly in how much emotional, mental and relational energy they have. And people’s level of personal discipline varies significantly, too. There are a lot of people who don’t have a boat-load of talent, but through commitment to get good training and daily personal discipline of doing what they need to day-in and day-out, they get a lot of work done (or develop stamina to run long distances.)

But jogging, and working consistently at a fast pace, takes energy and commitment. It is easier to walk (or not do anything), and in life, it is easier to “hang out”, do leisure activities, and not pursue goals. That is why — both for those who run long distances and those who get tasks done — joggers usually have a goal and work a disciplined plan to get there.

Most of life involves walking and walking allows for other things to be done at the same time. The majority of our life involves walking — around the house, at work, while shopping, etc. And we know walking is good for us physically. By definition, walking means you are going somewhere (versus being stagnant and passive.) In career development, I tell my coaching clients one of the major mistakes people make is to “not be going anywhere” — they are passive and waiting for something to happen.

One of things I like about walking is that I am able to do something else at the same time — think and reflect, pray, talk with Kathy, or just enjoy nature around me. When I jog (or on the rare occasion I may sprint for a short distance), my focus is on the physical activity. I am not thinking about much else.

The same is true at work or in life. If I am going at a normal walking pace, I am able to think and reflect, interact with others and enjoy the world around me while I am working. I get things done but I am not exhausted at the end of the day and I have energy left to do other things. And yes, it seems like it takes longer to get tasks done at this pace versus when I am rushing, but like the hare and the tortoise, I probably come out “ahead” at the end.

Steve Prefontaine, one of the preeminent long distance runners in the 1970’s said:

“Life’s battles don’t always go to the strongest or fastest man, but sooner or later the man who wins is the fellow who thinks he can.”

What are other lessons we can learn from these three activities? Think about it this week as you are walking.

OK, first things first.  I am a busy person.  Currently, too busy.  (I am writing this as I sit on a plane flying to Chicago for a business meeting.)  So this is one of those entries where I call on the “psychologist’s privilege” of being able to expound on principles that I do not have implemented in my life yet.  The principles are true.  I’m just not consistently applying them.  (Ask my wife)

Busyness and the holidays seem to go hand-in-hand.  There is the “normal” busyness of life - work, family, home responsibilities, extended family, friends, leisure activities, and community involvement.  Then we add another layer of activities for the six weeks or so from Thanksgiving thru the New Year’s.

What is “busyness”, really?  How does it differ from just being active or doing things?

Lets look at some of the characteristics that seem to accompany a sense of being busy, and I think that will give us some insight. 

Busyness seems to go with:

• Feeling Rushed
• Having a lot to do in a short period of time.
• A general sense of pressure, even compression.
• Tenseness.
• Irritability (more for some than others).
• Things to do.
• Places to go.
• People to meet (to finish the phrase).
• Short time frames.  Activites scheduled in close succession.
• Being late (or worrying about being late).

Sounds like a fun way to live, doesn’t it?  So why do we do it ourselves?  Why (and how) do we let ourselves become so busy, even frantic, during this time of year?

I think there are 3 basic factors that lead to our busyness.

1. Opportunities. Lots of them.  There are a lot of extra things going on during the Christmas season.  School Christmas concerts.  Work-related Christmas parties.  Christmas shopping.  Kids’ basketball, volleyball, hockey, and indoor practices and games.  Extra choir practices.  Christmas pageants at church.  Ski trips and Christmas vacations.  Watching traditional Christmas movies.  Visiting relatives (both sides).  So, bottom line, there are more activities to do.
2. Expectations.  There are two primary sets of expectations: a) our own (for ourselves), and b) others’ (for us).  Both sets seem to crank up during this time of year.  As I have stated in the past, the easiest way to track expectations is through the “should’s” we hear (either in our head, or out of the mouths of others.)  “I really should go to…” or “You can’t miss…”  Expectations, generally speaking, are neither good nor bad; right nor wrong.  But some of them really are not reality-bsed - you really can’t do everything.  So you have to make choices.  The problem is: some choices lead to not meeting someone’s expectations.
3. The Experience(s) of Not Meeting Expectations.  When we don’t meet the expectations of others’, there is the risk of them having a negative reaction: hurt, disappointment, frustration, anger. [Note: they don’t have to react in those ways.  They have a choice.  They could also respond with graciousness, understanding and acceptance.]  When we don’t meet our own expectations, we tend to feel guilty, worry about “what others will think”, and sometimes beat ourselves up mentally.

Since most of us don’t like either of these experiences (others reacting negatively to us not meeting their expectations, and being hard on ourselves), we make the other choice - we try to do as much as we can to meet everyone’s (at least perceived) expections.  The result?  Busyness.

The Antidotes to Busyness.

So, is there any solution?  Or are we doomed to live frantic lives for the last six weeks of every calendar year?

I don’t think we are going to seriously reduce the number of possible activities available during this time of year, so give that option up.

One option comes from the disciple of management.  When a person or organization has limited resources, they have to prioritize. Anyone who has been in “tight” financial circumstances knows that difficult choices have to be made.  You can’t buy or do this.  We will pay this bill first and this other bill next week.  The same is true for our time and energy - when there is more to do than we have time or energy, we have to prioritize.  We pick those activities (hopefully) which are most important to us (based on our values), and decide we can’t do others.

The concept of margin also seems applicable.  Our busyness transforms into frantic and blood-pressure raising stress when we leave no margin for errror in our scheduling and planning.  When we plan to go to three Christmas parties on one Friday night, from 7 to 8:15 p.m. (30 minutes travel); 8:45 to 10 p.m. (30 minutes travel) and then 10:30 to midnight (this is obviously the schedule of a younger person!), most likely we are setting ourselves up for a stressful evening, if we really expect to keep that timeframe.  Most of us need to leave more room in our schedules for unexpected traffic, not being able to find the presents at the store as quickly as we thought, etc.

The idea of giving up comes to mind.  (I bet that phrase caught some of your attention.)  Not “giving up” in totality.  but giving up some of our expectations.  For some of us who are really social, the thought of missing a party is close to the pain of a kidney stone.  But, at some point, we need to say: “It’s not worth it.”  The busyness, the stress, the resulting irritability, the tension in my relationship with my family outweighs the fun I may have at going to three Christmas parties this weekend.  We may also need to give up some of our expectations for others - it is okay if they can’t make it to Susie’s Christmas concert (even though she has a one line solo in one song); our friendship won’t end if they can’t make it to my party; the world won’t come to an end if we open Christmas presents with the grandchildren the week after Christmas.

Finally,  pause and enjoy the moment. Instead of rushing from store to store in panic, take a minute and enjoy the cool winter sunshine, listen to the high school choir singing in the mall, stop and enjoy a glass of hot cider.  One of my biggest challenges is the tendency to be thinking ahead to the next event or activity and not fully enjoy the one I am currently attending.  When you are at a party, stop looking around to see who is there, and focus on the person you are talking to right now.  Enjoy them.  Listen to their story and laugh together.

Ok, so I have now lectured myself in addition to writing this to you.  I promise to work on these antidotes in the coming weeks (I have to start now by saying no to some of the opportunities I have before me). How about you?

We usually think of opposites in terms of a simple, “either-or” relationship — such as light and darkness, large and small, heavy and light.  And these opposites exist on a single continuum, with the opposing characteristics being on the ends of the spectrum.

But there are some relationships which are more complex, where there is more than one characteristic that can be opposite of another.  For example, in comparing a “good meal” with a bad one, there are different factors that can lead to that judgment.  The quality of the basic ingredients, the correct amount of the ingredients, combining the ingredients in the proper order and utilizing the appropriate process, the degree and duration of cooking, the temperature of the food when presented, and the combination of the various dishes prepared — all lead to the combined quality of the meal.  So a meal can be unsatisfactory because the food is too salty, the meat was overcooked and tough, the vegetables are room temperature, the baker used baking soda instead of baking powder, or you don’t especially like a spicy green salsa on your cranberry apple salad.

Similarly, it seems that there is more than one “opposite” of being thankful.  In fact, if you think of the term “opposite” being rooted in the meaning of “opposing”, the issue becomes more clear.

So, as we approach the Thanksgiving holiday, instead of the traditional approach of thinking about those things for which we are thankful (we is generally a good exercise to do), let’s look at those characteristics and attitudes which get in the way of being thankful.

• Apathy.  An “I don’t care” attitude reflects a lack of appreciation for one’s present circumstances.  Someone who is passive, has little interest or motivation in the current situation, really doesn’t understand how bad things could actually be.  (I believe apathy reflects a deeper sense of self-focus where the individual becomes passive when they can’t do what they want to.)
• Entitlement. When individuals come to believe that they deserve x, y, or z, then having that item or being able to do what they believe is their right becomes a baseline expectation for life.  And when we believe we have a right to something, we generally are not that thankful when we get it.
• Impatience.  When we are impatient (and usually, also irritable) in our current life circumstance, it follows that we are not really very thankful for the situation we find ourselves in.  Usually, we are quite focused on a very narrow aspect of the situation (being stuck in traffic and late to a meeting or event) and fail to see the positives of the broader context (having a car to travel in, living in a safe country).
• Envy.  Focusing on what others have that we don’t, or characteristics of their lives we wish were true for us lead us away from being thankful what we have and our current life circumstances. (Remember, there are 3 billion people who go to bed hungry every night.)
• Anger.  When we become angry, we essentially are saying (to ourselves and others) — “This should have (or shouldn’t have) happened ..”.  And when our expectations aren’t met, we become angry about it.  It seems to be pretty difficult to be thankful and angry at the same time, I think (try it!).
• Greed.  Have you ever been around a child who always wants more?  More toys.  More fun.  More food (to the point of excess).  They rarely seem to be thankful for what they just received or experienced, but rather quickly move on to “What’s next?”  As adults, we may have just completed a pleasurable experience, and are already looking on to the next fun thing to do.  Greed and gratefulness don’t co-exist.
• Worry. This is an interesting juxtaposition to thankfulness.  Worry and anxiety have to do with the future — x, y or z may happen; or “if Q happens, then …[some bad thing] will occur.”  It’s hard to be grateful and enjoy life when you are around someone who is anxious and worrisome.  Almost by definition, they are so focused on a possible future event, they cannot enjoy the present.

I am sure there are other characteristics and attitudes that interfere with, and oppose, being thankful. Some of the ones identified above create a sense of embarrassment for me, because they are too often true in my own daily life.  (Sorry about that to those of you who live closely with me.)

If you wouldn’t mind, take a moment and review the list.  Go slow and think about periods when you have struggled with these attitudes.  Think of specific times and circumstances. And when you are ready, choose to move on.  Resolve to battle these ways of thinking when they come up.
For some reason, there are always a few foundational things that I find myself repeatedly thankful for.  And I’d like to share some of them with you.  Those of you who have lived in more difficult times and places, or who have traveled in poorer countries, can probably identify with these relatively simple items:

• a hot shower
• a glass of clean, refreshing ice water
• air conditioning
• fresh fruit
• a warm house or a warm place to work
• a family member or friend who loves you
• pain relievers and medication
• money to be able to take care of an unexpected expense
• warm sunshine or a cool breeze
• no bugs biting me while I am in bed
• clean, dry clothes
• a variety of food to eat

I’ll stop there (although I’d love to keep going).

I hope you have a tremendous time with family and friends this coming week.  Be sure to them how much you appreciate how they have enriched your life!

This past week I had the opportunity to speak to about 70 parents at a private college prep high school.  The anxiety level in the room was moderately high because these parents were there to hear answers about how to get their students to take seriously the process of finding a career path and choosing a college to attend.

Earlier this fall, I wrote an entry on anxiety – understanding it and strategies for managing it, so I won’t repeat those principles here.  But I had a number of parents comment afterwards that limiting the amount of future they think about was a helpful concept to them.

I continue to “preach” the concept that a student’s career path is the combination of understanding themselves (their abilities, interests, personality style, etc.) and knowledge about the world of work. And I fully believe that we continually overemphasize the individual aspect of the equation. In fact, (although it is a bit of an over-statement) I have come to believe that it really doesn’t matter what a student wants to do.  Ask anyone one of the tens of thousands of individuals who have been laid off, furloughed or who can’t find work.

The issue isn’t “what do I want to do” but “what goods or services are needed that people are willing to pay for“?   As a culture, we have forgotten that the primary purpose of a career is to provide financially for ourselves and our family.  This is accomplished by providing a service (either customers or an employer) that someone needs and is willing to pay for — and obviously, that we are qualified to provide.

There are thousands of people who right now aren’t working in their primary career field.  They aren’t doing what they went to college to study.  But they have their current job because “it pays the bills”.  This is a reality that many young people don’t fully understand  (or haven’t until recently).

So, the point is:  young people today need to focus more on learning about the world of work, and less on what they are interested in doing.  (Hopefully, they will find a career path that meets this desire, but it is the secondary issue.)  They need to find out “what is out there” — what jobs and careers exist, what do you really do in them, and what the current and future needs are.

To press the point further, it isn’t that helpful to know that you are good with numbers, like animals, are introverted, and have the resources to go to college if you don’t know what career paths match these characteristics, what course of study is needed, and what the needs are for the future.

So how does a student learn about the world of work? Being blunt — by working.  Not by taking “Introduction to [Psychology, Veterinary Science, Computer Science, Elementary Education, insert your area of interest here]”.  Not by going to a lot of fun camps.  Not by playing sports all summer, every summer from junior high through high school.   I have written previously on the importance of work experience for college graduates seeking employment.  And after my presentation this past week, I had a large number of business owners and managers approach me, saying, “That part about students needing to work — I couldn’t agree with you more.  Keep saying it.”

There are lots of opportunities for students to learn about the world of work:  part-time jobs, summer jobs, shadowing, interviewing professionals, talking to college professors in your area of interest, talking to older friends (say, friends of your older sibling) about their experiences, and volunteering.

Generally speaking, I think parents should focus less on SAT & ACT prep courses (although they can make a big difference in scholarship awards) and more on their students getting some work experience.  Getting into the college of your choice doesn’t matter much if you don’t have a clue what you are going to study.  After all, we do know what academic success predicts, don’t we?  Academic success at the next level.  Academic success, in itself, has little predictive validity for career success. (There are a lot of successful students who don’t learn the skills necessary to succeed in the world of work — a topic for another entry sometime.)

Why am I “hammering” this issue of work so hard?  Because I am seeing lots and lots of young adults who were great kids and teens, who did well in school, had fun in high school (and college), who didn’t work much — and who are virtually lost in their career direction because they don’t know what is “out there” in the world of work, and they don’t know how to find out.

Hopefully, my message will help you and your student avoid this unpleasant pathway.  If I can be of help, let me know.  I am doing more and more career coaching for young adults to help them find out what is “out there” and develop a plan to figure out their career path (many of these are long distance, by telephone or video conference.)

Have a good week!

I don’t know about you but a lot of my daily life can be contaminated by anxiety – not major, life-crippling anxiety, but those small little worries about daily life activities and events.  And if I am not careful, anxiety can almost rule my day.  While I’m doing one thing, I’m worrying about the next event or meeting.  What a waste.  It is not the way I want to live my life.

So let’s talk about ways we can manage these worry-focused thoughts.  First, let’s briefly define what anxiety is. 

First and foremost, anxiety is fear (usually a “small” fear).  We are afraid we are going to be late.  We worry about what others will think of us.  We are concerned about being adequately prepared for a meeting / speech / test / presentation later this week.

Secondly, we can note that worrying and being anxious is about the future – something that is going to (or may) happen at some point after “now”.  We don’t worry about the past, although we may worry how our past actions or decisions will impact the future.

Finally, most anxiety has some component of circumstances you can’t totally control.  Some people worry about the weather, others about the stock market, or traffic; some are anxious about what other people will think about them.  [Think about it – if we are worrying about things totally under our control, we could effectively manage the anxiety by just doing the action necessary.]

Now let’s identify the three most common responses to anxiety (I seem to be thinking in “3’s” today):

            1. Action.  A lot of people (myself included), do something when they are anxious.  It may not be productive activity – but doing something gives the person a sense that they are helping the situation (this may or may not be true).

            2. Paralysis.  Others tend to become paralyzed when they are anxious.  They don’t know what to do, so they withdraw, become passive and do nothing.  Frequently, these individuals also become highly internally focused, focusing on their thoughts and feelings.

            3. Rumination.  This is the third response, that can go with either action or paralysis.  Some people focus on what they are worrying about – and continue to think and talk repetitively about their worries.  This response can lead to a self-stimulating cycle of increasing anxiety.

So, what can we do when we are anxious?  Here are some ways to manage ourselves:

            *Limit the amount of “future” that you allow yourself to think (and worry) about.  Since worrying is all about the future, the more “future” that you allow yourself to be concerned about, the more opportunity there is for things to worry about.  So just focus on today – take “one day at a time”.  In highly stressful circumstances, you may even break the day into smaller segments (“I’m going to get to lunch, and then figure out the rest of the day after that.”)

            *Determine what you can do to manage the risks you are concerned about.  If you are worried about getting a low grade on a test, make a plan and schedule to study for it.  If you are concerned about ‘blowing’ a presentation, prepare the best you can.  If are anxious about being late to an appointment, leave early and allow extra time for unplanned events.  Make sure and take small steps to implement the plan.

            *Avoid people, unnecessary situations or input that increase your anxiety.  There are some people who are chronic worriers and have a fearful approach to life.  If I  am anxious myself, I try not to be around these people too much so they don’t feed my own anxiety.  Or if I am worried about the economy and my retirement savings, I will limit how much financial news I will expose myself to.

            *Distract yourself with positive activities.  Sometimes there are situations where all you can do is ‘wait’ (for example, waiting to hear if you were accepted into the college of your choice; or waiting to hear if you got the job you applied for).  When there is nothing you can really do to make the situation better, it may be good to go ahead and live life – go for a run, spend some fun time with friends, do some other work or tasks that need to be done, read a book, help somebody else in need.

            *Be thankful for the positive things in your life – especially the ‘little’ things.  Gratitude is a great antidote for a lot of negative things in our lives, including anxiety.  Look for little daily things that you appreciate – food to eat for breakfast, a nice cool morning, being able to work inside when it is raining outside, having family and friends that care about you, a car that starts, and so forth.

            *Build competencies into your life that will help you deal with ongoing challenges in your life.  Sometimes there are circumstances in our lives that are going to be there for a while – financial hardship, long work days, being away from family and friends.  And it can be helpful to have a longer term view on dealing with these situations – figuring out what you can build into your life that will help you long-term in dealing with the challenges you face.  Work on a ‘tighter’ budget, figure out some ways to earn a little extra money, develop an exercise program, learn how to use Skype to keep in touch with people over long distance.

So, that’s it. For those of you fellow-worriers or anxiety addicts, maybe there will be some advice that can help reduce your daily anxiety level.  Have a great week!