I’ve been thinking about boundaries lately, and observing how significantly they impact our daily lives.  The lack of boundaries in relationships (or attempts to overstep established boundaries) seem to be a frequent cause of relational tension.

Obviously, there are different levels at which to consider boundaries — at the geopolitical level (e.g. the border between the United States and Mexico), in interpersonal relationships (as wonderfully explained by Cloud and Townsend in their books), and even our physical bodies (our skin provides a boundary between our body and the world around us).

I would like to use the example of our physical body to illustrate a few points about some characteristics of boundaries, and the purposes of boundaries.

First, we need to acknowledge that one purpose of a boundary is to distinguish between A (an object or person)and non-A. This is my body and it is not the same entity as the environment around it. I am me, and I am not you. We are separate beings. Although this seems simple and straightforward, there are many examples and levels at which distinguishing between A and non-A is not that clear cut. When I breathe in, is the air that is in my lungs part of me or is it still separate from me? When I perspire, at what point does the moisture cease to be part of me? The reason this issue needs to be addressed relates directly to the second point about boundaries.

Boundaries serve as a permeable “border” through which we both protect ourselves from the environment and also the mechanism through which we obtain resources and sustenance. Our skin is not a solid piece of fabric which keeps everything out nor keeps everything in. It allows the flow of information and resources between our body and the world around us — it takes in information and things we need (sunlight, moisture) and exhales information (redness of skin when irritated) and unnecessary materials.   This is true in relationships as well, either at the personal level, organizationally and politically.  We do not exist as self-sufficient beings independent from the world around us.  We interact and interchange with those around us — this is the nature of relationship.

In organizations (companies, community groups, churches, etc.) , boundaries (sometimes known as membership) help define who is and who is not part of the group.  Who can participate?  Who can provide input for direction?  Who has the rights of membership?  Who, as leaders, are we to care for and look after?  If membership in a group is unclear, then the processes of the organization become confusing and the resources can be squandered on those who are really not a part of the team.  What is required of members — what resources are they expected to bring to the organization?

Boundaries have a very direct relationship to responsibility (and often in the context of role definitiion).  What (or for whom) am I responsible?  I often see the issue of responsibility become a major source of tension in relationships — within families, family-owned businesses, companies, between businesses and customers, and businesses and vendors.  Individuals and companies who do a good job of clarifying expectations and responsibility in their relationships with others tend to have happier, non-conflictual relationships.

Let me cite some common problems with boundaries that I observe.

    1. Parents continuing to take responsibility for their children’s lives, in inappropriate ways or beyond the normal stage of life for that responsibility.  Most commonly, parents of adult children continue to take responsibility for their children’s financial well-being — rescuing them from a series of poor decisions or “helping them out” so their children will not have to experience some difficulty in their lives.

    2. Children placing responsibility (or blame) on their parents for their (the child’s) life experience.  Sometimes this is financial (”I lost my cell phone but don’t have the money to replace it.  You have money.    Therefore, you should get me a new phone.”)  But it is often at the emotional level — “I’m not happy.  I want x.  If you really cared about me, you would do x for me.  Then I’ll be happy.” 

    3. Family members confusing family and business roles.  One of the core challenges of family owned businesses is clarifying and maintaining appropriate boundaries between the family system and the business systems (ownership and management).  Often I see patriarchs wanting to help their adult children earn a good living (better than they would be able to get on their own in the marketplace) and put them in a position within the business that the individual is not qualified to handle responsibly — to the detriment of the business.  As a business owner, this is their right.  They can do whatever they want with the business they own.  However, in addition to hurting the business, this choice often leads to unintended negative consequences within the family and also often undermines the personal development of their child.

I would encourage you to reflect on the relationships in your life and examine the boundaries you have established (or attempt to).  Is the boundary too permeable?  Do you let in “toxins” from others that you need to keep out?  Or do you create such a firm boundary, keeping others at a distance and not letting them “in”, that you isolate yourself from the resources you need to live a healthy life?  Do you feel others try to place responsibility (or blame) on you that really isn’t yours to carry?  [If so, you may want to review my previous entries on dealing with dysfunctional individuals.] Additionally, in your work, pay attention to the relationships your company or organization has with others.  Are the boundaries well defined?  Is it clear who is responsible for what?  If you have ongoing conflicts with customers, vendors or strategic partners, then I would suggest you need to look closely at your boundaries, or how they are not being clearly communicated to others.

This past week, two wives from two unrelated families used the exact same words to describe to me (and their husbands) a challenge they are experiencing in their homes: “Even when he is here, he is not ‘here’.” They went on to describe the phenomenon that has become a culture-wide struggle – the expansion of the world of work into our personal lives and the observation that, even though their husband may be home with the family, he frequently is not mentally or emotionally ‘present’.

[NOTE: One of the ironies of being a psychologist is the ability to observe and comment on issues I haven’t fully resolved in my own life!]

With the explosion of the use of cell phones, Blackberries (or their equivalents), and access to business email from almost anywhere, individuals can literally work 24/7 from multiple locations – home, car, airports, hotels, vacation resorts. This obviously isn’t “new” (that is, the issue has been around for several years), and the topic has been written about numerous times. A book was written in 2001 giving practical suggestions for dealing with the issue, research is being conducted on possible “techno addicts”, and the problem has even reached the legal system, where employees may be able to sue their employer for being expected to be available 24/7.

But the penetration into our society and families has become huge. The challenge has moved from early technogeeks and business executives on the cutting edge, to virtually anyone (even psychologists).

Obviously, there are many practical steps that each of us can take:

*turn off the device (e.g. during meals, after certain hours)

*structure a “no contact” time each day (“I will not be available between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m.) and each week (Saturday noon to Sunday noon).

*only check your emails one time each evening

*set a decision-making structure – that you will only accept calls or look at emails from certain individuals (hopefully, three or less people) after regular work hours.

However, it has been my experience that these strategies only work in a limited way for many businesspeople unless other issues are also addressed.

Probably the most important point to address is: what are your beliefs about your need to be available 24/7? Is it really a “requirement” by your employer? (If you are self-employed like I am, talk to your boss.) What are you afraid of missing? What is “critical” or “important” (as in, “I need to take this important call”)? What would happen if you didn’t, or if you got back to them in an hour (or tomorrow morning)?

I think, both from personal experience and from observing others, that much of the drive to be accessible 24/7 is our own desire for information, involvement and influence. It is often from a self-inflated sense of importance. And it can also be driven by fear – fear of missing an opportunity, fear of upsetting others, the fear of others “getting ahead” of us.

Much of this issue harkens back to what Stephen Covey described as the difference between what is important versus the urgent. If we are not careful, the urgent can take over our lives and leave little (or nothing) left for the important – activities such as personal time, time with family and friends, exercise, leisure.

If you are a brave soul, talk to your spouse, kids and friends, and get their feedback on how they see you functioning in this area. How much do they experience an intrusion of your electronic availability in their relationship with you?

And if you are really brave, ask them: “When I am here with you, do you feel like I am really ‘here’?”

One of the most common themes I have seen in relationships between older adults and their children (who are now adults themselves) is how the kids (although they are 25, 30, even 40 and beyond) still act like “kids”. And part of this is because their parents continue to come to their rescue when their children make poor choices.

Parents want their children to be “happy” and, as a result, mistakenly intervene in their children’s lives when they should “let them be” and learn from their mistakes. Here are three additional skills required for healthy parent-adult child relationships.

Set appropriate roles and boundaries

In most families, some clear agreement exists as to the appropriate boundaries for parents and their young children. But when those children reach young adulthood, new definitions of roles and boundaries must evolve. Parents are bound to encounter problems if they attempt to set limits on the behavior of an adult offspring–unless these actions are directly affecting the parents. Providing choices with associated consequences is also usually inappropriate. In healthy adult relationships, the role of parent shifts from that of an authority figure to that of an advisor. If the role does not change, frustration and rebellion can be the result. This often leads a child to distance himself from his parents, or, conversely, perpetuates an ongoing parent-child relationship that continues an unhealthy, childlike dependency.

Allow family members to make choices and experience the consequences

In families in which children have not been required to accept responsibility for their actions while growing up, and their lives have been cushioned by their parents’ wealth and power, the development of personal responsibility is delayed. As these children become older, parents will find it more and more difficult to break this pattern. We have seen many wealthy second- and third- generation adults who have been propped up by parents, and who appear successful. But they are not able to sustain purposeful careers or relationships on their own. This often leads to severe dysfunctional patterns, including a wide range of addictive behaviors. Occasionally, and usually with the help of a professional counselor, the younger adult family members are allowed to experience the consequences of their choices–without their parents rescuing them. After a challenging and seemingly dark period, the child’s strengths begin to emerge, and the young adult begins to develop his true potential. Ironically, this potentially will remain wholly undeveloped unless parents withdraw their support.

Separate love and acceptance from competence and responsibility

In many highly successful families, parents unwittingly communicate that their love and acceptance is tied to their child’s performance and achievement. While it is important to raise children with a sense of personal competence and responsibility, family members need to know that they are loved and accepted regardless of what they do. This is a difficult balance to achieve. In fact, many individuals, even as older adults, are still striving to gain their parents’ acceptance and approval. In and adult-to-adult parent-child relationship, there are often opportunities for family members to have meaningful conversations about their relationship and to affirm their love for one another, apart from what they have achieved in life. In fact, many adult offspring who have made poor choices in their lives are able to begin a new, healthier path when they truly experience their parents’ affection in spite of their past mistakes–the effects can be powerful and healing. In the strongest families, love and acceptance are extended to everyone, regardless of circumstances.

Parenting adult offspring is challenging in ways that are unique to the generations living today. People are living longer, more robust lives than those of previous generations, while geographical distance and mobility have diffused relatives and their relationships. In many families, it is the transfer of wealth that has become an important focus of their relationships. This inevitably affects the relational dynamics between parents and their adult children.

While parenting when children are young has its inimitable challenges, the transition to healthy relationships between parent and child when both are adults can be equally difficult. We can all take the lead in our families by reviewing and revising our own roles and boundaries, in tuning up our communication practices and working to extend trust and love. We can stretch to take the high road in life’s many decisions–making many uncomfortable compromises–and learn to focus on ways to love and accept one another regardless of life’s circumstances.