A fair amount of my time professionally is listening to individuals, families and organizations who are experiencing some challenges that they are trying to manage successfully. They describe to me a variety of problems and are looking for insight on what to do.

The issues range from individual behavior and feelings — anxiety about life, problems with anger management, patterns of communication which are viewed as condescending by others, uncertainty about one’s future career path — to problems solidly planted in the midst of relationships (marital conflict, a teenager or young adult who is demonstrating behavior problems and the parents don’t know what to do, a lack of trust among family members). And the challenges also can be more systemic or organizational — the lack of qualified managers who can “step up” to fill the gap when the current senior leaders retire, or current key employees who do not have the characteristics needed to be successful in their role.

Believe it or not, one of the most frequent questions I am asked is: “Do you think this is really a ‘problem’ or is it normal?” In essence, I am being asked: “Is this a ‘normal’ problem or is this something we should be concerned about?”

For example, parents aren’t sure if their teenager’s behavior is “normal teenage rebellion” or something greater. Or a manager doesn’t know if his direct report’s tendency to irritate his coworkers and those who work for him is “ok” and he should just let it ride, or if he should confront the issue.

Often, I give my clients some guidelines in order to determine if the problem is within the normal range of behavior (note that “normal” behavior includes challenges, weaknesses, and problem behavior) or if the pattern should be viewed more seriously. Here are a few ways to tell.

First, let’s clear the air on one viewpoint. Some people attempt to minimize problems they are having by saying: “There are lots of people who struggle with (xyz). It is not that big of a deal.” This is the adult version of the teenage justification, “Everyone is doing it!” The point trying to be made is that X behavior can’t really be problematic if it occurs frequently. Wrong. Ask the children of alcoholics or parents who are physically abusive (two high frequency behavior patterns). The level of frequency of a problem in a society has no bearing on its impact on individuals.

Ok, so here are the guidelines.

Frequency of the behavior. If a problem behavior (e.g. losing your temper and yelling at others) occurs once every six months, that is less of a concern than if the behavior occurs daily. Generally speaking, the more frequent a problem is demonstrated, the more concern there should be.

Intensity. Similarly, if the intensity of the behavior is fairly mild, this might be considered within the ‘normal’ range. But when the intensity is high, there is more concern. For example, if an employee is occasionally late to work five to ten minutes, that is not as significant as showing up two hours late (or not at all!) Anger reactions, drinking too much alcohol, anxiety, not fulfilling commitments made, etc. all fall into this realm.

Duration. If a behavior pattern has existed for 30 years (and potentially has grown worse over that time period), that is more problematic than a behavior that has just shown up recently. If a problem pattern has recently emerged, often we look for other stressors in the person’s life that may be temporary.

Generality. If a behavior pattern is pretty limited to one area of a person’s life, or one specific setting, that is less of a concern than if the behavior pattern can be seen in numerous setting. So if a manager relates to numerous people, in multiple settings, in a condescending or sarcastic way (with colleagues, with supervisors, with clients, with vendors, on the phone, in meetings, in email, out in public), then the “level” of the problem is more severe than if this style of communication only occurred with one vendor.

Impact on other areas of life. Some problem behaviors only impact one area of life (work, marriage, relationship with children). Some guys relate well to people at work and in the community, but treat their family members disrespectfully. Some people worry about their children, but the issue doesn’t bleed over into their work life, so that may not be as big of a concern.

Level of concern reported by numerous parties. When an individual raises issues or concerns about another person, whether it is at work or within a family, I view the situation differently than when the same issue is being raised by numerous people. (This is especially true when the individuals don’t seem to have any secondary gains to realize from reporting the problem.)

So, if we take all the issues together, a “normal” problem behavior is probably displayed infrequently, with mild to moderate intensity, maybe has only existed for a short while, and is fairly limited in its scope of where it is displayed.

Conversely, real “problem” behaviors are seen frequently, can be scary in their intensity, have been around a long time, and occur in numerous areas of the person’s life, and usually is creating significant disturbance in his or her life’s functioning.

One final comment. “Problem” problems need to be addressed. They will not go away on their own. And most significant problems are not easy to solve (if they were, they probably would have already been resolved.) “Problem” problems usually require multiple strategies to correct them successfully.

In my work with people, I often deal with individuals’ reactions to situations as well as communication issues between co-workers and family members. As a result, in the process of working through these issues, people often say to me, “Well, you know, perception is reality.” Sometimes they say this to explain how miscommunication occurred with another person, or why they feel the way they do.

I am not sure of the origin of the phrase, “perception is reality”, (although I would bet it comes from some realm of psychology — and for those who know me, that is not necessarily a positive statement.) And I am unaware if it is being espoused frequently in the media, but I sure seem to being hearing it more and more.

The problem is — it is not true. At least, not always.

There is a verifiable reality that exists. And sometimes our perceptions (or beliefs about the world) do not match reality. In the physical realm, that is the basis for illusionists — they are able to make things appear different than they really are. Also, there are those tricks of nature that our senses can play on us that can lead us to misinterpret what is really happening (having a sense of your body being warm while you are in the beginning stages of hypothermia).

But in day to day life, I see the mismatch between perception and reality more practically. Here are some examples.

Miscommunication.  The classic example is the scenario like this:  “You said ….”  “I did not.  I said ….” “Oh, but I thought you said ….”  “No. What I said (or at least, thought I did) was …”  “But I thought you said …”  If we stick with the perception is reality proposition, this leads to major problems in communication.  This is true for both parties.  For the initial speaker, “what I thought” does not necessarily equal “what I said”.  And “what I said” is not necessarily the same thing as “what I meant”.  Similarly, for the listener, “what I heard you say” may not be the equivalent to “what you said”.  So perception may be perception, but it may not be what actually occurred.

The mismatch between feeling reactions and reality. I often see the disconnect between reality and perception in the area of worrying. Being worried or anxious is essentially a smaller version of being afraid (there is a qualitative difference between being terrified or afraid for one’s safety and being worried or concerned). However, the realm of worry and anxiety have to do with potential events that may happen. They always have to do with the future. The challenge is — not everything people worry about is reality-based. Those who struggle significantly with anxiety can worry daily about their loved ones being killed in a car accident on the way to school or work. Or they can worry about the stock market crashing, losing all of their savings, and winding up being homeless.

[NOTE: One way we can manage our fears and worries is to do a “reality check” — what is the actual likelihood of x event happening today? Has x happened before? How many times? Even if x happens, does that necessarily mean y will happen? And even in the unlikely event that x happens and y also happens, what are all of the circumstances that need to be in place for z then to occur? The chances are incredibly slim. So, how much time and energy do you want to spend worrying about a series of incidents that will probably not happen?]

Misinterpretation of a situation.  Some people make quick judgments.  Sometimes this is to their benefit.  But, in other cases, it can lead to misjudging what is going on in a situation.  In working with kids and teens, I have often seen a scenario where a fairly impulsive student, who also views themselves as the ‘protector’ of others will come into a room and see a couple of guys “scuffling”.  They have each other in headlocks and are throwing one another around the room.  The self-appointed “hero” sees the guys “fighting” and promptly dives in, tackles one of the fighters, taking him to the ground, and yells, “Break it up!” (Frequently someone gets hurt in the process.)  It is then that the hero finds out that the two boys were just “horsing around” and it was a good-natured tussle between two friends.  The two “fighters” wind up being angry at the hero for interfering with their fun and over-reacting to the situation.  Unfortunately, this happens in the adult world as well — where someone misinteprets a situation and reacts inappropriately because of their misperception.  Truly, in these situations, perception is not reality.

Inaccurate beliefs about the way the world is. For instance, in doing career coaching with individuals, many people believe that finding a job that meets their needs and desires should be fairly easy and should happen within a matter of weeks. So they “dive in” looking and applying for jobs.  After several weeks with no job, they begin to become discouraged (our feeling reactions are inter-related with our expectations) and begin to question if they are pursuing the right career direction.  Self-doubt also sets in, wondering if they are capable of finding the type of job they want and whether they are really marketable.  The reality is that finding a job which is a good fit for you takes a lot of time and energy. Usually three to six months, or longer. And this reality is demonstrated time and time again (one of the aspects of “reality” is that it can be verified empirically).

Misattribution of motive. Probably the most damaging form of misperception is the case of attributing a certain motive to someone else’s action, and being quite far off the mark.  This happens in marriages a lot, it seems.  And it can be the result of either an overt action (that is, something you did) or the absence of an action (something you didn’t do but the other person thought you should have).  Let me state something clearly — most of us aren’t fully clear why we do what we do, let alone being able to understand the motives of another.  It is always best to ask (and hopefully, believe) the other person, “Why did you …?”  It can be helpful to start with the phrase, “I’m confused. Can you help me understand why you…?” (It seems to take the accusatory edge off of the interaction.)  There are tons of examples, more than I want to go into (and for fear of incriminating myself).  Let me just suggest: we often get “bent out of shape” with others because we attribute a reason for their action or inaction that is not accurate.

There are other examples of perception not equaling reality, but I think that is enough for now.  Maybe use these ideas to frame your own thoughts when you hear: “Well, you know, perception is reality.”  Maybe.  Maybe not.

I am pleased to share the following article which was published in the business section of today’s Wichita Eagle.  If you want to send others to it at the Eagle, the link is  http://www.kansas.com/business/perspectives/story/209379.html .

Networking Can Maximize the Search for Good Hires

I was talking to a friend who is the vice president for business development at his company. He was looking for a new project manager. “If you hear of anyone who may fit the qualifications, have them contact me,” he said. 

I asked him why couldn’t he find someone through the regular processes — the classifieds or employment Web sites. “Finding good people is tough,” he said. “You get hundreds of resumes from the online sources, but over 50 percent aren’t even close to being qualified. That still leaves 80 to 100 resumes to sift through, call, and take through the process. I don’t have the time, and it is like finding a needle in a haystack. It is easier to find someone through my business relationships.” 

As I work with businesses both locally and nationally, this is an oft-repeated scenario. Business managers are frustrated with the difficulty of locating qualified and quality employees. Interestingly, on the other side, I also see young adults who are having difficulty entering the job market — and they offer similarly negative reports about the application process. 

The hiring and job search system isn’t working well. Why? We have the technology and electronic connectedness to reach out to millions of potential workers across the world. But we do not have the systems in place to process all of the information, and get the right kind of information to help match employers and potential employees. 

“Good” employees — those who work well in a specific business — must not only have the right kind of technical training and expertise, but they also must match the cultural milieu of the company — its communication style, dress code and work ethic. Employers are looking for positive character qualities, as well: a desire to learn, the ability to work well on a team with others, dependability, attention to detail, willingness to follow directions. It is extremely difficult to determine whether an applicant has these qualities through their resume, an interview or a conversation with references. 

Managers often default to the method that has worked in the past: networking. It isn’t perfect, but getting referrals from those who know you and your business is still one of the best ways to find someone who may fit well with your company. Here are some tips on how to maximize your networking in today’s business climate: 

• Don’t wait until you have an open position to let people know you are looking for good people. I have a successful businessman who repeatedly tells me: “If you know of any good people looking for work, send them my way. Give them my cell number and have them call me. We are always looking for good people.” I have done so, and he has hired people I have referred to him. • Talk to (or e-mail) friends and business associates who are well-connected and know a lot of people. Don’t just talk to your normal circle of friends. Include your CPA, financial advisor, insurance agent, pastor and your business associates who are out talking to people a lot. 

• Develop a page on your company’s Web site describing the types of people you are looking for. You can more fully describe the character qualities, types of jobs and training, and your business’ culture and values. Make sure you provide the name, phone number or e-mail of a person to contact for more information. This is not about posting specific jobs; it is a resource to direct friends to. • Create ongoing relationships with trainers and educators. Get to know the faculty at the local colleges. Meet with the instructors at the vocational/technical schools. And be sure to find ways to keep in touch with the career placement counselors at each training institution in your community. 

• In the areas where you will have ongoing staffing needs, create internships or part-time positions for students. The best way to land good talent is to get them while they are being trained.  Finding — and keeping — quality employees will be one of the distinguishing characteristics of successful companies in the decades ahead. Don’t stay stuck in the current nonfunctional system.  

Following up last week’s entry on the risk of drug and alcohol abuse in wealthy families, the second risk from growing up in an affluent family I see among second- and third-generation family members is an overall sense of being “lost” in life. I frequently interact with individuals who have been raised in a wealthy environment, and they really don’t have a sense of purpose or meaning in their lives. Sometimes they are just “floating” and sort of hanging out. Other times they want to “go somewhere” and do something meaningful, but can’t find the right direction.

I have some observations about this dynamic and some possible underlying reasons. Although work is not the sole purpose or reason for living (thankfully), work does bring structure to our lives. As I have stated before, our culture has misperceptions about the purpose of work — primarily that we work to earn money. Thus, if a person or family has excess money for their needs and desires, they sometimes see no reason why they should have to work.

The problem with this view is that work is much more. The process of working provides us with the opportunity to learn, to try new tasks, to be exposed to new information and experiences, to develop new skills and abilitites, to problem solve and persevere, to create, to serve others, to accomplish tasks with our hands and see the results of our efforts. Just like the pleasure that comes from completing a difficult physical task out in nature — like climbing a mountain or running a marathon — so there is an innate sense of satisfaction that comes from working hard and completing a task. Also, when one does have to earn money to pay the bills or to save up to buy a car, there is the pride of accomplishment.

Individuals who come from families of wealth in some ways could be seen as being deprived of the opportunity to experience some of these feelings. There is an ancient Middle Eastern proverb that states, “The worker’s hunger drives him to work”. That is, when you are in need, you are motivated to work. Conversely, (and many political and economic policies are based on this belief) when a person feels no need or want, many people are not as motivated to work.

This issue speaks directly to parenting in our country and in wealthy families. If a child has everything they need, want, or could ever desire given to them (or provided for them), why should they work? What is the purpose of saving money if you know you will get the latest video iPod at Christmas or a luxury sportscar when you turn 16? If all you have to do is wait for the next holiday or birthday, and you will get whatever you want, why plan ahead or work on long-term goals?

So I propose that parents (and grandparents) engage in planned non-giving. Yes, you have the money to buy x,y or z. And yes, it would be a neat opportunity for your grandchild to go on an educational trip to (fill in the blank). But I suggest it would be better for them to have to earn some things (and experiences) themselves — and it will take longer for this to happen or they may “miss out” on some experiences, but the overall results in their life will be healthier.

One very wealthy family ($100M+) with whom I worked in Texas had it right, I think. The teenage kids had to pay for 50% of the cost of their first car. And their money had to come from either wages earned or birthday/Christmas money (that is, no trust money was involved). Plus, they had to pay for one half of their auto insurance. So the kids had choices to make. Play sports and work less, or work more and not go out for cross country. Buy a car now or save some more and get a nicer car in six months. This created an interesting problem for the family. One of the sons bought an older “beater” car, which was fine with the family. But many of the family’s wealthy friends would not let their children ride in the car because they did not feel it was sufficiently safe. Oh well.

One of the ancillary results of this issue — the lack of purpose and direction in life — has led me to do quite a bit of career coaching for family members. From teens to college students to young adults, and even middle aged adults — helping them find purposeful activity where they feel like they are using their skills and talents to help others or to do something productive with their life. Note that this is not necessarily an easy task, as has been addressed by a number of books, (see some of the resources put out by The Inheritance Project).

The “answer” to this issue is obviously not simple (”what is the purpose and meaning of your life?” “Why was I born into this set of fortunate circumstances?”). However, I do believe it is easier for individuals to actively engage in seeking the answers when there is a sense of struggle in life. Just like muscles become stronger when we push against resistance, so the fabric and core of “who we are” develops and becomes more clear when we have to struggle in life.

So, if you are a parent or grandparent, do your kids and grandchildren a favor. Don’t make everything easy for them. Don’t problem-solve for them all the time. Let them struggle. Give them the opportunity to persevere and overcome challenges (or maybe not) on their own. Through these difficulties they will gain the true sense of satisfaction in life that you want them to experience.

As I continue to work with families across the country, as well as locally, one of the most common challenges facing young people (and the most common daily life concern voiced by their parents) is the struggle of finding a job. It can be a high school or college student looking for a summer job, college graduates looking for full-time employment, or a young adult who has decided to change career directions. But the complaint is the same — I (they) can’t find a job. And they are getting discouraged and feeling stuck.

Now if we “weed out” those who are only half-heartedly looking for a job (they maybe don’t feel the pinch of needed finances yet) or those who are still looking for the “perfect” job (that is, the one that meets all of their criteria), most have been putting forth significant effort. They have updated their resume, they are looking at the classified ads of available jobs (whether in the local newspaper or through on-line sites), and they are posting their resume and application on the mammoth job-search sites like monster.com and careerbuilder.com .

But the problem is — they are not finding jobs. They may have a telephone interview or even a “first” interview. But that is as far as it goes. And really, they aren’t finding too many jobs that “fit” them. What they are looking for doesn’t seem to be out there. And after a few weeks (or months), panic begins to set in. That is usually when I hear about their search, and their dilemma.

Now I know people find jobs through monster.com and its equivalencies. Otherwise, employers wouldn’t post job openings on the site. But I can tell you that I am hearing lots of negative stories from employers and managers who have attempted to use the jobsearch websites. One of the most common complaints is that they receive hundreds of applications that aren’t even nominally qualified for the position. So they have to weed through hundreds of applicants to get to the possibly qualified. Secondly, they get overwhelmed with the number of applicants and really don’t have the time or resources to sort through them all. So they default to the age old process employers have used for decades — hiring someone they know or someone referred to them by a friend, business associate or former employee. It’s called hiring through your personal network.

Networking is still the best way to find a job. Using your relationships to gain an edge in the hiring process jumps you past the hundreds of online applicants sitting in their email box. And let me explain why employers defer to this process.

First, most businesses in the United States (89%) are family-owned businesses. And family-owned businesses create 78% of all new jobs in our economy. Now some family owned businesses are large (like Mary Kay Cosmetics), but most employ 100 or fewer employees. And smaller businesses often don’t have a real smooth hiring process — it usually includes the supervisor who is trying to fill a position. Follow me here — most supervisors and managers aren’t trained in the hiring process, they feel incompetent and uncomfortable doing it, and hiring people takes time and energy away from their primary job responsibilities. So they want to hire someone fast and get it over as soon as possible. (They also tend to procrastinate in the process.) Therefore, the easier you can make the process for them, the better for you.

Secondly, you have to understand what employers are looking for. Being honest, there are a lot of weirdo’s out there — strange people, unhealthy people, people who aren’t really interested in working - they just want a paycheck. And employers have had a lot of negative experiences with people who look good on their resume or in an interview, and then turn out to be a real pain to work with. And employers want to avoid more of these experiences. But legal issues prevent them from using personality measures to screen out unhealthy people. So the next best method is to either hire someone you know or hire someone a respected friend recommends. They turn to their network of friends to reduce the risk of making a “bad hire”.

You see, most employers today realize they are going to have to train whoever they hire because most companies are quite specialized in what they do. You probably don’t know their accounting software, the CAD system they use for designing airplane parts, or don’t know their product line. But they can’t train people in character — and that is what they are looking for. They want someone:
*who will show up for work
*who will listen and follow directions
*who is self-motivated and wants to learn
*who has the ability to get along with others
*who has integrity and will do a job well done.
And the best way to find someone with these qualities is to have someone they trust recommend a potential employee to them.

So, if you are (or a member of your family is) looking for a job, here is what you should do.
1. Think about your friends (and your friends’ parents), your parents’ friends, your siblings’ friends, people you know from previous jobs, teachers from school, friends from activities you have been involved in, neighbors, friends from church — all of the community connections you or your family has had. And start brainstorming on people who run businesses or are involved in organizations related to the field you are trying to work in.

2. Here’s the key. Don’t try to find the person who may be able to offer you a job. With the exception of summer jobs, it is highly unlikely that you actually know a person who is hiring for a position you would fit. What you are looking for is — someone who knows the person who is hiring. Business people know other business people — either as vendors and suppliers, customers, or competitors. And they meet together and talk, and often mention, “If you hear of someone who has an accounting background and is looking for a job, send them my way.”

3. Focus on people who know a lot of people. Financial advisors, insurance salesmen, pastors, teachers/professors, counselors/psychologists — all come into contact with a lot of business owners and managers/supervisors on a day to day business. Call them and say, “I am looking for a job in the area of ….., who would you recommend I talk to about this?”

4. Don’t just talk to people and stop there. No matter who you talk to, ask this question: “Who else do you know that it might be good for me to contact?” This is true, especially when you have talked to a potential lead and it is “dry” (it doesn’t lead any where productive right now). Remember, you are trying to get names of people who know people who are hiring. And also, always follow up with a note or email with your contact information. Often, an employer might not be hiring right now but in two, four or six weeks an unexpected need arises. If they have your contact information, they can get a hold of you. If they don’t, they can’t — and you lose an opportunity.

So do yourself a favor. Use the method that is going to bring you the best results. Focus your time and energy on “working” your relationship network (and keep your posting online applications to a minimum). I can’t “guarantee” results, but I tell you from experience (both personally and those whom I coach), this is the way to go. (And I would love to hear any personal stories you would like to share.)

Go get ‘em!

Recently, I am working with more and more young adults who are finding it difficult to find jobs in their desired career path. And it doesn’t really matter what area they are in – business, education, computer science, marketing, graphic design. Some are recent college graduates (as in 2007), while others have been out of school for a while. Some of these individuals have taken short-term (e.g. one or two year) positions and now they want to ”move on” in their career. And I am hearing reports back from numerous young people across the country that “finding a job is “harder than I thought it would be.”

Interestingly, I am finding flecks of this theme in various articles and books. One nationally syndicated newspaper column, entitled “How Liberal Arts Grads Can Find a Good Career” encourages liberal arts students to “think beyond grades” and to get involved in internships, either paid or unpaid. Probably good advice, but it usually falls on deaf ears – the college environment screams the importance of grades to students and many liberal arts colleges don’t provide much assistance in landing internships. Besides, once you have graduated, it’s a little late to work on these issues.

In her book, Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled – and More Miserable Than Ever Before, Dr. Jean Twenge ( psychologist) states that “more and more young people in their twenties will be disappointed that they cannot pursue their chosen profession.” She states young people are starving for good advice in career paths. Partly, she believes because although young adults are goal oriented they really don’t have realistic ideas of how to achieve their goals. As Adam (age 22) stated, “ Getting a degree does not guarantee a stable job.”

Another column put out recently by the Cox News service, was entitled, “Boomer Parents Hover Even in Kids’ Job Hunts”. The author, Tammy Joyner, reports that some parents of young adults who are applying for jobs are: a) trying to sit in on their children’s job interviews; b) rescheduling interviews for their child applicant: and c) calling prospective employers to find out the status of the job offer or d) asking why their child didn’t get the job!

OK, so what seems to be the problem here? Well, I think there are a number of factors that are contributing to the challenge of young college graduates being able to find a job:

1. Employers are looking for someone who has practical work experience, not just academic training. Most employers I talk to would rather hire a person who is not a college graduate but who has some practical work experience in the industry, rather than a college graduate with no experience (aside from coursework).

2. Young people today tend to believe that external fators (luck, chance,) have more to do with life success than personal effort. (See Dr. Twenge’s book for research that documents this viewpoint) As a result, they tend to “wait to see what happens” rather than be proactive in their application process.

3. Young people tend to have unrealistic expectations about the world of work (and it is not all their fault). They have been told for years that they are smart, great, brilliant and anyone would be lucky to hire them (welcome to the results of self-esteem training).

They also typically haven’t worked much and expect a higher paying position and higher level job than their experienced warrants. So they often are offended (or at least, not interested) in some “lower level” jobs offered to them.

So my advice to young people who are looking for jobs today includes:

A. Do something. The default for many in this generation is to be passive and “wait”. Time will get you nowhere without action. Put in applications (in person), call on jobs in the newspaper, send in your resume to monster.com This does a couple of things – it lowers your anxiety level, and it lowers your parents’ anxiety level. And it increases the probability of you finding a job.

B. Talk to people. Networking is still the best way to find a job. Talk to people (not just your friends) – adults in the work world. Tell them you are looking for work. Ask them if they know anyone you should talk to (just someone in the field, not just someone who is looking to hire.) Talk to your parents’ friends, call people, visit them at their workplace, or meet them for lunch.

C. Get some kind of paying job – any job. The world has changed. It no longer looks bad to take a “scut” job that is not related to your career field (this is true for most young adults starting out, but not for older adults who are already in their career). Employers want to know that you are willing to work. Most employers will be impressed that you are working part-time at Starbucks just to pay the bills or you have a full-time position at Best Buy while you are looking for a “real job”. They understand the financial demands you are facing and you will gain “points” in their minds for being responsible and proactive.

D. Be willing to take a job in your career field that you think is “beneath” you. In a recent article in Fortune magazine, James Bell, the CFO of Boeing, Inc. states, “ A lot of young people think they know a lot more than they really know.” Many companies are willing to hire college graduates in entry level positions and quickly move them up the ranks as they show competence and willingness to work hard. A word of advice: don’t expect to be offered a position where you are supervising others, until you have proven yourself first.

E. Have a plan and work it. It doesn’t have to be a grand, master plan – just a plan for the week: who you are going to call, where you are going to apply, who you are going to meet with. The key to success is twofold: persevere and always ask people if they know someone you should talk to – and do it.

Our culture is information saturated.  In fact, I would say many of us are information addicts.  We think we need to know more, or at least the latest information, before we make a decision or act.  The problem is — there is so much information available and it is coming at us so quickly, we really can’t know everything on a specific topic. 

In thinking about why we feel we need so much information, I reflect on a parenting principle I often share with families.  Children are not in control of much in their lives (especially younger children).  We pick where they live, make their meals, buy their clothes, and dictate how much of their time is used.  But people of all ages like to feel they are in control of their lives.  One way children gain a sense of control in their lives is through predictability.  They tend to do better when there is a pattern of routine in their lives which gives them a general ability to predict what is going to happen — around mealtime (when/where they eat), bedtime, a favorite TV show they watch, or what the family does on Saturday mornings.  They really aren’t in control but they have the illusion of control through predictability.  This is fine and actually healthy.

I believe a similar dynamic may occur as we get older.  I believe the rapid changes in our world create an overall anxiety in our lives — we are less able to predict what life will be like because so much is changing so fast.  Gasoline prices fluctuate, our favorite restaurant goes out of business, our son or daughter gets a new job and is moving out of town, our largest customer is bought by another company and may not continue to buy from us, there are new cell phones and service options coming out monthly, the capabilities of digital cameras increase every few months.  And on it goes.

One way we try to manage this change (and our anxiety — that is, our fear of making a mistake) is to keep informed — listen to the news on the radio, visit our favorite news website at least 2-3 times a day, read our mail/email/newspaper/magazines/professional journals, watch the “talking heads” on TV at night, search the Web for the latest reviews on products.  And, to a point, this is appropriate.

However, in working with individuals, business managers, and families, I find many people become paralyzed in making decisions or moving forward with a plan of action because they are constantly re-evaluating the situation and feel driven to gather more information.   At some point, though, enough is enough.

I think we need to be asking ourselves some questions, to help us determine if we need more information, and if so, how much more information we need, and where we will gather the information (to make sure it is accurate, an increasing problem in our information overloaded world.)

If you find yourself (or one of your colleagues) continuing to put off making a decision or taking an action step because “we need to get some more information first”, I would encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:

1) What more information do I need, really?  What specifically do I need to know that I don’t know now?  How will having this information affect my decision (or will it)?

2) What information do I need just to start the process? (Often the plan of action is a series of steps, and more information will actually be gathered along the way as you go through the process.  Usually, it is impossible to gather all of the information desired up front, because the data will change depending upon decisions made in the process.)

3) What are the risks (realistically) of proceeding with 80% of the information (versus having 90%+)?

4) What, besides my perceived need for more information, is prohibiting me from moving forward in achieving my goal? 

Potential factors:  fear of making a wrong decision, letting the “urgent” details of daily life squeeze out the “important”, really not wanting to deal with the issue, fear of conflict which may result from the decision.

Let me give you some practical areas where I see this issue raise its ugly head:

  a) staffing decisions.  Needing to hire for a new position, or more frequently, procrastinating in letting go someone who is not good for the business.

  b) long-term planning decisions.  Sitting down and starting to put together your personal estate/wealth transfer plan.  Avoiding making decisions about business succession - both ownership succession and management succession.

  c) personal career direction. What college should I go to?  What major should I choose?  Should I change career directions and pursue another area of interest?  Should I really start looking for another company to work for?  Should I get some training in another area because my current job is a dead-end?

  I am sure there are lots of other areas where this issue applies.  The key question I think we need to keep asking ourselves is:  What more information do I need, really?

A very frequent topic of discussion, books and articles today is the question: “Is the cost of college worth the investment?” Often proponents cite historical data of the cumulative increase in income a college graduate earns over their career in comparison to high school graduates.

This then leads to a variety of issues addressing variations or derivatives of the global issue, such as the high cost of private colleges and arguments that state colleges are a better value, or rebuttals that private colleges provide more “value” and the real cost for graduates isn’t that different (partly because many students attending public universities take five years to complete, while private college students are more likely to complete in four years.)

Another related topic is that of debt – whether parents or students should fund college education by taking out loans. Dave Ramsey, a conservative popular financial advisor, strongly opposes this path. Others such as Eileen Gallo, who advises wealthy families, comes from a different point of view – discussing whether wealthy parents should pay for all of their students’ college education or not. And then there are the rest of us who value higher education, and are asking, not if, but: “How much debt should we (or our child) take on?”

I believe this discussion will continue for several years. And the questions are not easy to answer. The problem is: I believe, that we are asking the wrong questions (at least, initially).

Anytime a question of “value” or “worth” is being raised, there is a deeper set of questions which need to be asked (and hopefully, answered) first. Questions such as:

*What are the risks associated with the process (i.e. the process of going to college)? What are the risks associated with taking out X amount of debt to pay for their college (risks for us as parents, risks for them as a young adult)?

*How can these risks be minimized?

*Who should be involved in making these decisions?

*How will we communicate with each other (parents, student, grandparents, others) about our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, observations – especially over time as circumstances in life change?

Now, let me offer some of my thoughts and responses to some of the questions.

First, I believe using historical data from the 70’s, 80’s, & 90’s to justify investing in college today can lead to erroneous conclusions. The world has changed. A college degree no longer, in and of itself, leads to higher wages or a more successful career. Take a quick look around you and note how much college graduates are working in entry level jobs not related to their field of study. (For financial types, this is similar to using past performance of a mutual fund manager to predict future success – it really depends on the manager, the period of time you are comparing to, and other market factors.)

If the degree is from an inferior institution (on-line “buy your degree” colleges, and some community colleges) or in an area with minimally marketable skills (how about a B.A. in“general studies”?), the time and money may be wasted. There are many ways to obtain skills and knowledge today not possible in the past, (including the Internet.) I have met many young entrepreneurs who are starting their own businesses in real estate, landscaping, construction, or buying franchises, who are not college-educated but who are being trained in alternative ways.

Second, as Thomas Friedman has written in The World is Flat, one of the areas of continued need economically will be service occupations that need to be provided locally. This includes many skilled trades (electricians, plumbers, carpenters, auto mechanics, home builders) for which a college degree is not the way the profession is learned. We have a major problem in our culture in that our educational system is biased heavily toward verbal skills and processing information. But there are millions of individuals who are talented in the visual-spatial, mechanical, mathematical, musical, artistic areas that are not being trained well – and there is already a shortage of these types of professionals in our country today.

Third, it is important to note that, for many, the purpose of college is not limited to developing a marketable career skill. Many also argue that the college experience broadens the person, exposing them to different types of people, different ways of thinking, and new life experiences that will shape them for life. I personally hold to this view – and incorporate this into the “value” I believe college brings to individual’s lives. (The more cynical viewpoint is: “What do I value about college graduates over high school graduates? They are usually older.”) Others (Bob Copeland in Ten Things Employers Want You to Learn in College) have written about the life skills that can be obtained through the college education process (for example, written communication skills, the ability to work with others, asking and answering the right questions.)

Finally, probably the most important issue is the factor is that young people today know virtually nothing about the world of work. They do not know what careers are out there and have only a cursory knowledge of what a professional really does (ask them about civil engineers, occupational therapists, actuaries or an insurance adjustor). The world of education and the work of work are largely in two separate universes today. And young people have little exposure to the world of work – either by working themselves or by seeing what their parents do.

So, in my opinion, (and I will be writing more about this) if parents want to help their children succeed in finding a career they should focus more on educating them about various jobs, careers and industries, and spend less time and money on SAT/ACT preparation courses and finding the “right” college. Where one goes to college is clearly secondary decision compared to having a general sense of one’s life and career direction.

Yes, college is expensive. But to answer the “is it worth it?” question, parents and students need to think through some more foundational issues first.

Given the time of year – early fall, with classes starting up at many colleges and universities – it is time for the media blitz on “the college question”. Different media sources frame the question in different ways.

Foxnews.com has had a series recently on the topic, including “Is college worth the money?” and “Choosing a College: Liberal Arts vs. Professional Training”. Time magazine’s August 21, 2006 cover asks the question “Who needs Harvard?” with a subtitle of “How to find the right college for you”. And there are numerous columns in newspapers addressing the issue (“How to fund your college education”).

The problem is – the questions are framed incorrectly.

No one can genuinely answer a global question “is college worth it” for all the individuals considering the question for themselves. The questions need to be framed more specifically:

*Is going to (insert college/university name here), taking X, Y & Z courses, a good direction for you this fall, given your current financial situation and your current career goals?

There are lots of variables that need to be considered:

-the cost of the educational experience (tuition, housing, books, food)

-how the costs will be paid (you, your folks, scholarships, loans)

-the quality of education and training you will receive

-your current career direction (do you have one?)

-your (and your parents’) values regarding education

-your (and your parents’) tolerance for risk (in this case, debt)

-what would you be doing if you didn’t take classes (work? play video games?)

The reality is – the answer is going to be different for most individuals, and even the same person at different times. However, I will offer one general principle with regards to career exploration (a fancy name for the process of determining “what am I going to do with the rest of my life?”). It is easier to figure out where you are going on a trip if you’ve seen a few places, and it is really hard to turn a parked car.

Generally speaking, I think it is best for people to choose to do something (take a class, go to school for a semester) than not do something. A pattern I am seeing among young adults today is the tendency toward passivity – waiting, putting things off – rather than taking action and being proactive.

I believe it is better to learn what you don’t want to do by having a negative experience than not to learn anything because you chose to do nothing.

Ok, friends, this is the beginning. The goal of this blog is to assist the myriad of individuals, family members, business owners, and people who work for family owned businesses to figure out how to successfully “put it together”. How do you live your life in a way that successfully blends your personal life, your family life and your career.

As a psychologist who grew up in a family owned business, and who consults with families and businesses across the country, I am observing and (hopefully) learning some lessons that help make life go well — and choices and patterns of behavior that can screw up your life in a hurry.

So, my goal is to share those principles for success I am seeing — and also give out warnings for the common pitfalls I see individuals and families falling into.

The topics will vary — personal growth, career direction, relationships with parents, business succession, transferring wealth across generations, dealing with unmotivated twentysomethings, overcontrolling parents, executive coaching, the craziness of our culture — but all will relate to personal growth, family issues, or challenges for success in career and business.

So, here we go! I’m looking forward to the journey and getting feedback along the way.

Paul