Sometimes someone writes an article, or gives a speech, that is noteworthy. Their thoughtfulness and manner of communication is remarkable. And you really can’t add much to what they have already said. But you want to share their thoughts with those important to you.

Such is the nature of the article, based on his commencement speech to the 2010 graduating class at the Harvard Business School, by Clayton Christensen. He is a professor at the school and was asked by the class to speak at their graduation ceremony.

I will briefly highlight some of his points — primarily to entice you to read the whole article, which can be found at this link.

Dr Christensen states that: “On the last day of class, I ask my students … to find cogent answers to three questions: First, how can I be sure that I’ll be happy in my career? Second, how can I be sure that my relationships with my spouse and my family become an enduring source of happiness? Third, how can I be sure I’ll stay out of jail?” [He goes on to report that two of his Rhodes scholar program classmates wound up spending time in jail.’

With regards to the career question, he states: “More and more MBA students come to school thinking that a career in business means buying, selling, and investing in companies. That’s unfortunate. doing deals doesn’t yield the deep rewards that come from building up people. I want students to leave my classroom knowing that.”

Regarding the second question, Christensen reports: “Over the years I’ve watched the fates of my HBS [Harvard Business School] classmates from 1979 unfold; I’ve seen more and more of them come to reunions unhappy, divorced, and alienated from their children. I can guarantee you that not a single one of them graduated with the deliberate strategy of getting divorced and raising children who would become estranged from them. And yet a shocking number of them implemented that strategy. The reason? They didn’t keep the purpose of their lives front and center as they decided how to spend their time, talents, and energy.”

He goes on to say: “Your decisions about allocating your personal time, energy, and talent ultimately shape your life’s strategy. I have a bunch of ‘businesses’ that compete for these resources: I’m trying to have a rewarding relationship with my wife, raise great kids, contribute to my community, succeed in my career, contribute to my church, and so on. And I have exactly the same problem that a corporation does. I have a limited amount of time and energy and talent. How much do I devote to each of these pursuits?”

Finally, regarding “staying out of jail”, he frames it as “how to live a life of integrity (stay out of jail). Unconsciously, we often employ the marginal cost doctrine in our personal lives when we choose between right and wrong. A voice in our head says, ‘Look, I know that as a general rule, most people shouldn’t do this. But in this particular extenuating circumstance, just this once, it’s OK.’ the marginal cost of doing something wrong ‘just this once’ always seems alluringly low. It suckers you in, and you don’t ever look at where that path ultimately is headed and at the full costs that the choice entails.”

I will let you read the rest of the article yourself so you can gain the full impact of his points.

Let me briefly add some supporting comments of my own.

Since I have the opportunity to work with business owners and financially successful individuals and families across the country, I am able to observe some repetitive patterns in families and relationships.

The most glaring theme is that there seem to be three types of individuals who are successful in business (or their chosen career):

1) those who are extremely successful largely due to a high level of commitment, drive and who have sacrificed most of the rest of their lives (physical health, family relationships, friendships, personal ethics) to achieve their goals;

2) those who have been able to maintain a sense of balance in their lives along the way due to a clear commitment to priorities in their lives; and

3) those who are somewhere in between, desiring to be balanced but often find themselves out of balance in their use of time and energy.

Members of Group 1 are often wealthy, sometimes famous, still “driving” toward career (or other) goals. They are largely unhappy, self-focused and highly insecure. My observation is that they usually are not very enjoyable to be around — they often have anger issues.

Group 2 members are usually amazing people, who are a delight to be around. They are humble, realizing that their success is probably a combination of perseverance and being in the right place at the right time. They are guided by a strong set of personal values. They have a giving approach to life and much can be learned from them.

Most of us (I think) are in Group 3. We have good intentions. We generally are going on the right path, but often need to make corrections along the way — with work/career or other pursuits getting out of balance. We need mentors, reminders and good friends to give us honest input and feedback.

Which group are you in? Where do you want to be? How can you get there?

Recently, I went to our state high school track and field championship meet — it is a wonderful spectacle — thousands of student athletes, coaches, friends and family members in one stadium. Vibrant colors are displayed in the uniforms, supportive T-shirts and baseball caps, and tents (to keep the students out of the sun). Lots of sunshine, sunscreen and water bottles.

The Saturday morning before I went to the meet to watch a friend run in the sprinting events (100 meter, 200 meter, 4 x 100 meter relay), I went for a jog by my house — which meant I was running on a dirt road with pot holes and “washboard” on the road. In the evenings, my wife and I often take walks together down the road, as well.

And I started thinking about the differences between walking, jogging and sprinting — both physically, but also in life.

Sprinting. Sprinting is cool. It is flashy. In track, the sprint events are the high profile events. At the highest level of competition, the winner of the 100 meter dash is known as “the fastest man in the world”. And man, these guys and gals can fly. They are smooth and they move with beauty.

But the events only last 10 to 50 seconds, depending on the event. “Crack”, goes the starting pistol. The athletes fly down the track. And then it is over. Someone often gets hurt — falling at the finish line, or pulling up gimpy with a pulled muscle.

Jogging. Jogging — or in track, the long distance races (1600 meters [the metric equivalent of a mile], 3200 meters or the 4 x 800 relay) — are less flashy. For some, they are boring. Young women and men steadily running around the track several times. There is a little excitement and jostling for position at the beginning of the race. Many times there is an exciting finish between two runners sprinting for the finish. (And many times there is no excitement, given the large distance between the runners.) The runners are exhausted at the end and require quite a bit of time to recover from the race.

Walking. In most track meets, there are no walking races. At longer running events (2 mile races, 10K races) they may have a two mile walking race, but they aren’t very common. Walking just isn’t much of a sporting event for most people. It is boring to watch for very long. It isn’t as physically demanding for the individual — so most athletes pursue other events.

Let’s discuss some observations and lessons for daily life that can be derived from the characteristics and differences between walking, jogging and sprinting.

Sprinting is flashy, takes a lot of talent and preparation but isn’t used much in daily life. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the need to sprint (literally, to run as fast as I can for a short distance) very often. Jogging is more for trying to keep in shape. But mostly, I walk.

In life, there are people I see from a distance or occasionally meet who seem incredibly cool. They are mega-talented, have a lot of style, and they seem to have the world by the tail. They go at a fast pace and are high profile.

But as I watch them over the long haul, many of them don’t really have staying power. They are a “flash in the pan” — bright lights & a lot of energy — but they are gone tomorrow. And often, their careers are short.

If I get in the mode of trying to sprint at work — moving real fast, making quick decisions, trying to impress others, and being primarily focused on image — I burn out fast. I don’t really get that much done. And I burn a lot of resources that require substantial time to recover. And often, I make mistakes.

Jogging takes a fair amount of effort and the distance people can jog varies greatly. Some people are in better shape than others (obviously). But even among runners, their stamina differs greatly — and you can’t necessarily tell by just looking at them.

In life, individuals differ significantly in how much emotional, mental and relational energy they have. And people’s level of personal discipline varies significantly, too. There are a lot of people who don’t have a boat-load of talent, but through commitment to get good training and daily personal discipline of doing what they need to day-in and day-out, they get a lot of work done (or develop stamina to run long distances.)

But jogging, and working consistently at a fast pace, takes energy and commitment. It is easier to walk (or not do anything), and in life, it is easier to “hang out”, do leisure activities, and not pursue goals. That is why — both for those who run long distances and those who get tasks done — joggers usually have a goal and work a disciplined plan to get there.

Most of life involves walking and walking allows for other things to be done at the same time. The majority of our life involves walking — around the house, at work, while shopping, etc. And we know walking is good for us physically. By definition, walking means you are going somewhere (versus being stagnant and passive.) In career development, I tell my coaching clients one of the major mistakes people make is to “not be going anywhere” — they are passive and waiting for something to happen.

One of things I like about walking is that I am able to do something else at the same time — think and reflect, pray, talk with Kathy, or just enjoy nature around me. When I jog (or on the rare occasion I may sprint for a short distance), my focus is on the physical activity. I am not thinking about much else.

The same is true at work or in life. If I am going at a normal walking pace, I am able to think and reflect, interact with others and enjoy the world around me while I am working. I get things done but I am not exhausted at the end of the day and I have energy left to do other things. And yes, it seems like it takes longer to get tasks done at this pace versus when I am rushing, but like the hare and the tortoise, I probably come out “ahead” at the end.

Steve Prefontaine, one of the preeminent long distance runners in the 1970’s said:

“Life’s battles don’t always go to the strongest or fastest man, but sooner or later the man who wins is the fellow who thinks he can.”

What are other lessons we can learn from these three activities? Think about it this week as you are walking.

I have been “holding off” on writing this blog, partly for fear of sounding like Chicken Little (”The sky is falling”, “TV rots your brains”, “Video games are evil”) and partly for fear of sounding like an old fogie (”Things were better when we played dominoes by candlelight”).

But I cannot hold my tongue any longer. Just today I received notice about a major study that came out this spring - a meta-analysis of 130 research studies with over 130,000 youth studied. The finding?

Violent video games make youth (both male and female) more likely to engage in personal aggression themselves. Surprise, surprise. Do you mean to tell me that watching and participating in repeated fantasy action of shooting, stabbing, hitting, and murdering others — done for hours and hours, over days, weeks, months and years — actually impacts a person’s behavior? I’m shocked.

Let’s look at some of the other negative characteristics typical of most video game playing:

Video games are primarily self-focused.
I know you can play games with others (either in person or on-line), but who really plays video games for the purpose of serving others? (Except the occasional parent who dislikes them.) It’s true, they can be a form of entertainment — used for relaxing and leisure time, for chilling. But how many of you have noticed that your children (or husband) become more self-focused, agitated, irritable and less willing to do their responsibilities after they have played for two or three hours? It is about them and what they are doing — how dare you interrupt their game and ask them to study, mow the lawn or clear the table?

Video games and the skills they build have virtually no transferability to real life. How many jobs are there that require superfast hand/eye coordination and decision-making? I used to say there were no careers for which video games prepared you for. I was corrected during a lecture — these skills are useful in the military for those who pilot drones and bombs to their destinations. I stand corrected. Now how many of those jobs are there? And how many people grow up with that career dream? That leaves about 75+ million American youth and young adults under 30.

Video games steal time and mental energy from tasks that could be truly productive and/or skill building. In business, this is known as “opportunity cost” — you only have so much time and energy. And if you spend that time and energy on Halo or World of Warcraft, then that time and energy can’t be spent on physical exercise, studying, learning to play an instrument, or working a part-time job. We are literally wasting hundreds of millions of hours of potentially productive time with our youth and young adults.

Video games create a false sense of competency. I am convinced that one of the draws of video games — especially for those students who struggle in school — is that it gives them a sense of competency. They are able to beat an adversary, win at a certain level of difficulty, or obtain virtual rewards and treasures. The problem is — the competency isn’t real; what good does it do them away from the virtual world? One time I had a significantly overweight 10 year old boy tell me he was really good at tennis. After further inquiry, I found out he was good at tennis on the Wii, but he actually believed he was good at playing tennis. We need to help our children build self-confidence but through tasks which they will use in real life.

Video games can become highly addictive, especially to individuals with ADD/ADHD. It is well-known among those who work on college campuses that many young men (primarily) spend 3 or more hours a day playing videogames. And it is documented that at least 10% demonstrated addictive behaviors — not being able to quit even if they want to, losing weight because they do not stop to eat, and probably the most common — disruptions of sleep due to playing patterns. [I recently had parents report that their 12 year old was getting up in the middle of the night after his parents had gone to sleep and was gaming for hours — they finally realized why he was always so tired.] Neuroscientists are now finding associations between the adrenaline-rush and addictive behaviors that are associated with high-stimulation video games.

(I am aware that there are exceptions to each of the above-raised points, but these are common characteristics of those children, teens, young adults and adults who play a lot of video games.)

So that I don’t just criticize and run, let me give parents some practical suggestions for dealing with the challenges associated with the video game craze in our culture.

1. Don’t accept the “everybody does it” excuse. Oh, yea. That’s a good one — right up there with smoking, under-age drinking, casual sex, smoking pot and every other generational foolish decision young people have argued with their parents about. But the problem is: almost everyone else is doing it. So parents, show some backbone. Set rules and guidelines. Fight the battle. Be “mean”. And stick to what you know is right.

2. Set limits. Take the power cords. Lock up the controls. Set on-line limits. Require that schoolwork and/or chores are done prior to any time playing games. And limit the time — 30-60 minutes on weekdays (preferably none, if you can get away with it), and 1-2 hours per day on weekends. More than that, and you can’t really monitor the limits.

3. Use the “real life” rule. Ask yourself, your husband (husbands are often part of the problem), and your children: “Would we encourage this behavior in real life?” Do I want my kids to steal cars, mug people, shoot and murder others? “Oh, it is just a game”, it is argued. Ok, then why don’t we encourage games that have your teenager rape others and burn houses down with people still in them? Give me a break — why do we need research to show us that repetitive thoughts and fantasy actions increase the probability of those actions actually occurring in real life?

4. If your children are still young, delay getting games as long as possible. The battle is harder to fight when the games are in the house. Don’t worry. They won’t be deprived — they will still play at their friends’ houses. Wait. Wait. Wait. If you want to, get them a Wii. Do the educational games. But lay off all the Gameboys, X-boxes, Playstations, Internet-based games — you and they will be better off. (I could tell you a personal story about my four kids — now ages 19 to 27, but you wouldn’t believe me.)

I know this entry has a bit of an edge and angry tone. Sorry (sort of). I wish I could communicate what I want without the irritability, but sometimes there are things worth getting angry about.

For those of you with students in school, think about how you are going to manage this summer — they are off school, have lots of free time, and you will be at work. Do you want your kids playing 3, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12 hours of video games a day? (Ten to twelve hours isn’t unrealistic.) If not, what are you going to do about it now?

Traveling a few weeks ago, I was reflecting on one of the professional activities I have done for over 20 years — testing students of various ages for possible learning difficulties (ADD/ADHD, dyslexia, learning disabilities). I realized I have learned a lot of lessons from the process — interviewing parents; testing students from 5 years old through elementary school, high school, college students and adults; following up with the students and their families years later.

It is not an exhaustive list but here are some of my observations:

Each of us has a unique combination of strengths, abilities, personal history, education and training, personality, family background and values. It would seem this should go without saying, but most of us compare ourselves to those around us — and come up “short”. There is almost always somebody better than we are — even in our strength areas. And this is true in families as well. Children need to find their own unique combination of strengths and talents (one of their siblings may be better in a specific area). And this is
especially true for individuals whose skills differ significantly from the rest of the family (e.g. artists in a family of entrepreneurs).

How we reach a certain goal or approach tasks is often more informative than whether we succeed or fail. One of the fascinating aspects of my job while testing is to observe how an individual completes a task (or tries to). There are lots of ways to correctly solve a problem — and there are lots of different ways to make errors. How we approach a task, and what we do in response to barriers or confusion ultimately says a lot about a person — and how they will deal with challenges in daily life (persevere, give up quickly, ask for help, use trial & error, use logic to problem solve).

Culture emphasizes different skills and abilities over different time periods. Part of “success” in life has to do with the match between an individual’s unique skill set and what the culture is currently emphasizing. I often tell parents (usually of students who do not have good reading or writing skills) that I am thankful I wasn’t born on a farm in the 1800’s — because I would have been relegated to a ditch digger or to slopping the hogs (feeding them, to you urbanites). I have virtually NO mechanical skills or problem-solving ability — and that is what was needed to be successful in that setting.

Parents who have successful children strive to understand their children, provide support and resources to build their strengths (and overcome their deficits). One of the more frustrating experiences is to interact with a parent who has a very narrow definition of what “success” is (e.g. good grades in school; being athletic) and their child doesn’t have the natural abilities to do well in the desired area. Wise parents observe and discover the strength areas of their children and help those skills develop — even if it is not a strength (or area of interest) of the parent. These are the youth who struggle in reading and writing who go on to become successful in business, the military, or just great all around people — excellent husbands, wives and parents.

Early, easy success in life often hinders more sustainable long-term success later in life. A pattern I have seen repeatedly is a highly talented child — bright, athletic, good-looking, socially skilled, musical — they seem to have it all. And they are “stars” early in life — especially grade school, possibly all the way through high school (sometimes, college). But at some point, “the wheels fall off”. The student hits challenges they do not have the habits, disciplines and emotional chutzpa to overcome. Extremely bright and talented students often do not have the opportunity to learn good study skills, perseverance or handling failure during the early stages of their lives. Conversely, individuals who grow into self-responsible and contributing members of their community: a) understand and accept their weaknesses; b) respond to (and do not resent) the demands of daily life, and c) find ways to gradually move forward in their life and career paths. Most successful individual aren’t “stars” or people who “hit it big” — they are individuals who consistently and repeatedly try to make good choices.

Successful parents (and individuals) focus on behaviors and habits that lead to success (daily discipline, perseverance, practice, learning building block skills, doing a job well done, learning how to problem-solve). Wise parents understand that there are behaviors, choices and attitudes that lead to positive results. Although they may use grades or achievement as measuring sticks of progress, they do not emphasize the symbols of success as much as the behaviors which lead to success. Conversely, parents whose children struggle later in life (high school, college and beyond) are overly concerned with “looking successful” — good grades, high test scores, winning in sports. Often this leads to patterns of excessive help by the parents, and cheating by the students. Ultimately, their lack of skill or knowledge becomes apparent.

If you are a parent, remember that parenting is a marathon. Keep the long-term goal in mind. Don’t settle for the easy, short symbols of success. Let your child struggle — how else will they become stronger?

If you are a grandparent, teacher, or principal — or you just know someone who may benefit from these observations, consider sharing them with someone you know.

Have a great weekend.

Some books are just incredibly thought-provoking. I was recently referred to The Language of Conscience by two good friends whom I highly respect. So I ordered it and have been reading it (it is one of those books you do not finish in a couple of hours). And I am intrigued. I am not sure I fully understand all of the concepts — and I think I agree with most of the premises. But I am still thinking about it. The author, Tieman “Skipper” Dippel, Jr., sounds like a fascinating man. So I thought I’d share a bit — possibly to whet your appetite as well. Here are some quotes from the book:

“Conscience is good for society and civilization whether it is taught or whether it is instinctive. . . It is important to look at conscience as if it were a muscle or a nerve. The more you exercise it and the more you sensitize it, the more effective it is going to be.”

Tielman uses the term, “enlightened conservatism”, but do not think that he is talking about political conservatism — otherwise your assumptions and associations will lead you astray. “Enlightened conservatism, as a concept, is well described as trying create an environment in which ethical actions of character can best be performed. . . the character of choice of conscience and concern for others prevails over-self-interest.”

He goes on to contrast decisions made through convenience versus decisions made through conscience. “(D)isciples of conscience look to the future and their children to build a greater society. The disciples of convenience look more to their gains at the present. . . Leaders of convenience often have to step on teh people below them and pull down the people above them. Their weapons are personal attacks, distraction, and the negative emotions. Leaders of conscience use constructive leadership to help others move forward positively. . . Their weapons have to be integrity of purpose and devotion to common goals.”

“In order to achieve the common good, the world’s people must reach the point of saying, ‘What do I think about that?’ rather than just ‘How do I feel about that?’ . . It is in reasoning together in toleration and in appreciation of common values and common moral codes that one can seek the common good by looking beyond personal self-interest and past historical prejudices.”

Note that the book is actually a compilation of papers written and lectures given from the 1970s to early part of the twenty-first century. Tielman shows an amazing foresight on a number of issues:

“I do not see the future as being dominated so much by clashes of great ideologies such as capitalism vs. communism, as by more subtle but extremely potent influences on the culture that determines civilization’s direction. The new subtle concept is victimization and victimhood. It argues that society owes more than basic rights and that government should grow in order to fill those rights.”

“The right question is not whether you want big government or small government. The right question is what should be the role of government as the expression of the combined will of the people in regard not just to the protection of individual rights and dignity, but to the granting of economic benefits on the concept of victimization vs. individual responsibility.

“Character is the acceptance of individual responsibility. . . You cannot build character and courage by taking away initiative and independence, and you cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they can and should do for themselves.”

He then quotes Theodore Roosevelt: “The things that will destroy America are prosperity at any price, peace at any price, safety first instead of duty first, and love of soft living and the get-rich-quick theory of life.” Wow. And that was state over 100 years ago.

He later comments on the Internet. “One of the Internet’s great benefits is that it will make information readily available to an enormous quantity of people on an individual basis. But, it is a double-edged sword since one benefit and detriment of the Internet is that it will provide information easily available to an enormous quantity of people on an immediate basis. With quick availability to information, people will feel less of a need to read books and to think about the concepts that help them remember those individual parcels of date and weave them together. Without the knowledge that is gained from in-depth thought, it is difficult to gain the wisdom of how to use the ever-increasing amounts of data.”

“it will likely occur in an information age that will have two parts — an age of knowledge that expands rapidly with the dissemination of information. And than an age of wisdom necessary to process the excess of information where trust and experience are very valued and character re-emerges. . . Wisdom requires a perspective, a very basic position from which to make judgments. It is at this point that leadership becomes particularly critical in providing guidance and direction. Leadership defines culture and thereby defines civilization, and whether those leaders are directed by conscience or merely by their own convenience will determine the direction that civilization will take. . . The contrast of the Renaissance and the Dark Ages shows that leadership can move culture both ways.”

There is much more thought-provoking (to me) content — and incredible foresight on issues regarding China, the movement of politics in the U.S., and the increasing role of non-profit organizations in our culture. I would highly recommend this book to others who are trying to make sense of the macro-economic, cultural and political confusion which seems to exist.

[A final side-note: This book has been translated into Chinese and reportedly is one of the few Western books used as a text in Chinese universities.]

Recently, in a variety of settings I am observing the issue of trust impacting business relationships.

Obviously, trust is at the foundation for business transactions – that the vendor will provide the goods or services purchased, that the goods or services will be at the quality level described initially, and that the customer will pay for the goods or services in the time frame agreed upon.

Another area of business where trust is impactful is in the employer / employee relationship – where the employer follows through on commitments communicated to the employee and the integrity level of employees to be trusted to access to information and resources.

This past week I was talking to a business owner who described a situation where he had hired a sales manager (in early 2008, prior to the financial crisis hitting) who in turn started hiring a fairly high cost sales staff. Whenever the current owners or management team raised issues or asked questions of the sales manager, he reported replied, “Do I have to earn your trust or earn your mistrust?” (implying they should trust him until he proved untrustworthy.)

I replied that this was the wrong question. And, in fact, I find much communication around the issue of “trust” is not laid out properly. I do not believe that the question is: “Do I trust you?” (or “Do you trust me?”). This is too broad.

Trust is situation specific. The more appropriate question, I think, is: “For what do I trust you?” Or, “What am I willing to entrust to you?” (responsibility, privileges, resources). I may trust you to hire staff within a budget amount but I may not trust you to have total access to all of the company’s financial data. Or, I may trust you to pay bills with appropriate procedural checks and balances but I don’t trust you to have total access to the company’s financial resources without monitoring.

Think back to common family situations. Teenagers often complain to their parents, “You don’t trust me!” But again, the real issue is “trust you to do what?” I do trust you to choose good friends and to tell me the truth about where you are going, but no I don’t trust you to drive three hours late at night in a car with four of your friends on a snowy night.

Generally speaking, trust is earned — either from prior behavior with other individuals (that is why we trust professionals who have gone through training and certification in their profession, but we often also check references of people with whom they have worked) or in their behavior with us. We trust others (in the defined areas of responsibility) based on previously demonstrated responsibility in similar areas.

[I do admit that in many daily interactions we confer trust to others when we have no specific basis to do so, other than assuming most people are trustworthy in daily life transactions. However, this level of trust varies greatly across individuals’ own personal history and life experiences.]

I find that people (both business owners and parents) tend to get “burned” when they give more trust and responsibility to others when the person hasn’t demonstrated a basis for that trust.

A second area where I find business owners and managers tend to get taken advantage of by others in the business world is when they ignore early warning signs of mistrust. Partly due to the self-reinforcing tendency that we don’t want to admit that something may be wrong (and that we made a mistake in hiring this person), and sometimes partly due to people’s propensity to want to believe the best of others - we wind up overlooking early warning signs of a person not being trustworthy. As a result, we continue to entrust responsibilities and resources to the individual and find out later they weren’t trustworthy in how they handled the responsibilities - digging a deeper hole and creating more problems for the business.

So, where do we go with all of this?

First, I would suggest to accurately define the parameters of trust in relationships. Using a framework such as, “I am willing to trust you to…” Sometimes, it may be appropriate to say, “I am willing to trust you with… because you have shown yourself responsible by… ” Additionally, sometimes you may need to add, “…but I don’t feel comfortable yet in giving you the responsibility to …” Finally, it is helpful to clarify what responsibilities need to be demonstrated in order for you to trust the individual with more areas (this is really helpful in dealing with teens - versus the arbitrary “when I feel comfortable”.)

Secondly, I would strongly encourage each of us to pay attention to early warning signs of problem behaviors. This can take many different forms, including:

*the facts just don’t add up

*you are getting reports from clients and customers and other trusted team members, about some problems in a team member’s behavior

*the team member responds to questions and challenges with a “don’t you trust me?” type of response

*the team member is quite adept at making excuses, blaming others or circumstances versus admitting they made a mistake or error in judgement.

How should you respond to early warning signs?

a) talk to the individual about your concerns; often your concerns may be due to misperceptions or miscommunication;

b) obtain verifying information by an independent third party;

c) set up processes and procedures to monitor transactions

d) document the issues and behaviors which are creating concerns for you. Often the weight of evidence over time becomes significant, while no one specific incident is that large.

I think it would be wise for each one of us to consider the following old saying,

“Wise individuals see danger ahead and avoid it, but fools keep going and get into trouble.”

Unfortunately, when the issue of “character” is in the news today, the focus is usually on character failures — lack of integrity, marital unfaithfulness, greed and dishonesty. So to be able to talk about a man of good character is a privilege.

When thinking about the title of this entry, I was indecisive about whether it should be “To a Great Man of Character” or “To a Man of Great Character”. Obviously, I chose the latter — for two reasons. First, in the world’s eyes I don’t know if Spence Sawyer would be characterized as a “great man” — in the general terms of incredible success professionally or in terms of raw talent. Although he was talented in several areas and he was also quite successful in his profession, most who knew Spence focused on who he was as a person. So, the second reason I chose this title is because almost everyone who knew Spence would agree he was a man of “great character”. It was his character that impacted others, and most who knew him (including myself) found themselves wanting to emulate him.

Spence Sawyer died this week at the age of 78. He was born and raised in the suburbs of west Chicago and spent most of his adult life in this area, with a few years early in his professional life living in New Jersey while commuting to New York City. He was the father of seven children, whom he mentored and helped each obtain a private college education (no small feat financially, regardless of the era).

I want to highlight just a few of the character qualities that I first thought of when reflecting on Spence’s life:

Responsible. Responsibility was at the core of Spence’s being — shouldering the responsibility of leading his family and guiding his children, from childhood through adolescence and into their adult lives; taking responsibility to provide leadership in most of the organizations he was committed to (his church, his company [he worked for Illinois Bell and AT&T for forty years], the college he and many of his family members attended), and just in general daily life. If Spence saw something that needed to be done, he would make sure it got done.

Faithful. In his personal relationships, Spence was faithful to his wife, Ruth, of over 50 years, his children, grandchildren and his friends. Spence was “Mr. Reliable”. If he made a commitment, he kept it. You never had to wonder if he was going to show up; he was always there. He followed through on commitments made — in fact, you would never think of Spence not following through. He was rock solid. You wanted him on your team — and he was sought out by organizations because they knew he would help you achieve your goals.

Investing in others. I’m not sure of the best way to put this, or of a good singular term, but Spence gave his life in the service of others. He was not self-promoting. He did not seek positions of leadership — he was seen as a leader and asked to take leadership positions by those around him. After his retirement in the 90’s, he spent much of his time and energy meeting with others — teaching, mentoring, listening and encouraging. Interestingly, because of some early life experiences that impacted him significantly, Spence was reluctant to give advice to others — even when asked. But if you cornered him, you could get him to help you frame the problem and think through the issues you needed to consider. (The result of his investing in others will be seen next week at his memorial service where 800-900 people are expected to honor him and share in the celebration of his life.)

Laughter. From the previous descriptors, one might conclude that Spence was a stern, stodgy, “all work and no play” kind of guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Spence was one of the best story- and joke-tellers I have ever known, and he loved to laugh. In fact, one of my favorite memories is sitting with him at the kitchen table, having a bowl of ice cream and he would start telling some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. The problem was, he would start tearing up and laughing before he finished the joke — and you found yourself laughing and crying just because he was (and you weren’t exactly sure why)!

There are lots of other personal qualities that characterized Spence, some of which were so ingrained in who he was that you couldn’t think of him not exhibiting them (honesty, integrity, generosity). He was a man of deep spirituality who loved the God he served and who has left a legacy in the lives of those who knew him — that will endure for years to come. I know that I have been deeply impacted by his input into my life and I will miss him dearly. I had the privilege of knowing him for over 30 years, as the father of my wife. His leaving the life on this earth has caused me to seriously reflect on my life and my priorities.

I hope that I will also become a man of great character.

We usually think of opposites in terms of a simple, “either-or” relationship — such as light and darkness, large and small, heavy and light.  And these opposites exist on a single continuum, with the opposing characteristics being on the ends of the spectrum.

But there are some relationships which are more complex, where there is more than one characteristic that can be opposite of another.  For example, in comparing a “good meal” with a bad one, there are different factors that can lead to that judgment.  The quality of the basic ingredients, the correct amount of the ingredients, combining the ingredients in the proper order and utilizing the appropriate process, the degree and duration of cooking, the temperature of the food when presented, and the combination of the various dishes prepared — all lead to the combined quality of the meal.  So a meal can be unsatisfactory because the food is too salty, the meat was overcooked and tough, the vegetables are room temperature, the baker used baking soda instead of baking powder, or you don’t especially like a spicy green salsa on your cranberry apple salad.

Similarly, it seems that there is more than one “opposite” of being thankful.  In fact, if you think of the term “opposite” being rooted in the meaning of “opposing”, the issue becomes more clear.

So, as we approach the Thanksgiving holiday, instead of the traditional approach of thinking about those things for which we are thankful (we is generally a good exercise to do), let’s look at those characteristics and attitudes which get in the way of being thankful.

• Apathy.  An “I don’t care” attitude reflects a lack of appreciation for one’s present circumstances.  Someone who is passive, has little interest or motivation in the current situation, really doesn’t understand how bad things could actually be.  (I believe apathy reflects a deeper sense of self-focus where the individual becomes passive when they can’t do what they want to.)
• Entitlement. When individuals come to believe that they deserve x, y, or z, then having that item or being able to do what they believe is their right becomes a baseline expectation for life.  And when we believe we have a right to something, we generally are not that thankful when we get it.
• Impatience.  When we are impatient (and usually, also irritable) in our current life circumstance, it follows that we are not really very thankful for the situation we find ourselves in.  Usually, we are quite focused on a very narrow aspect of the situation (being stuck in traffic and late to a meeting or event) and fail to see the positives of the broader context (having a car to travel in, living in a safe country).
• Envy.  Focusing on what others have that we don’t, or characteristics of their lives we wish were true for us lead us away from being thankful what we have and our current life circumstances. (Remember, there are 3 billion people who go to bed hungry every night.)
• Anger.  When we become angry, we essentially are saying (to ourselves and others) — “This should have (or shouldn’t have) happened ..”.  And when our expectations aren’t met, we become angry about it.  It seems to be pretty difficult to be thankful and angry at the same time, I think (try it!).
• Greed.  Have you ever been around a child who always wants more?  More toys.  More fun.  More food (to the point of excess).  They rarely seem to be thankful for what they just received or experienced, but rather quickly move on to “What’s next?”  As adults, we may have just completed a pleasurable experience, and are already looking on to the next fun thing to do.  Greed and gratefulness don’t co-exist.
• Worry. This is an interesting juxtaposition to thankfulness.  Worry and anxiety have to do with the future — x, y or z may happen; or “if Q happens, then …[some bad thing] will occur.”  It’s hard to be grateful and enjoy life when you are around someone who is anxious and worrisome.  Almost by definition, they are so focused on a possible future event, they cannot enjoy the present.

I am sure there are other characteristics and attitudes that interfere with, and oppose, being thankful. Some of the ones identified above create a sense of embarrassment for me, because they are too often true in my own daily life.  (Sorry about that to those of you who live closely with me.)

If you wouldn’t mind, take a moment and review the list.  Go slow and think about periods when you have struggled with these attitudes.  Think of specific times and circumstances. And when you are ready, choose to move on.  Resolve to battle these ways of thinking when they come up.
For some reason, there are always a few foundational things that I find myself repeatedly thankful for.  And I’d like to share some of them with you.  Those of you who have lived in more difficult times and places, or who have traveled in poorer countries, can probably identify with these relatively simple items:

• a hot shower
• a glass of clean, refreshing ice water
• air conditioning
• fresh fruit
• a warm house or a warm place to work
• a family member or friend who loves you
• pain relievers and medication
• money to be able to take care of an unexpected expense
• warm sunshine or a cool breeze
• no bugs biting me while I am in bed
• clean, dry clothes
• a variety of food to eat

I’ll stop there (although I’d love to keep going).

I hope you have a tremendous time with family and friends this coming week.  Be sure to them how much you appreciate how they have enriched your life!

I started reading a good book this week — A Game Plan for Life: The Power of Mentoring by John Wooden and Don Yaeger.  It was recommended to me by a good friend, and I always try to pass on worthwhile reading to others.

The first part of the book covers the seven mentors that influenced Coach Wooden (for those of you who don’t know, he was one of the most successful college basketball coaches of all time, at UCLA). In discussing different types of mentors (professional, personal, spiritual, etc.), he makes a fascinating point:

• “I know that my life has been blessed with incredible opportunities, and as a result, I have a responsibility to reach out to others to share the insights, experiences, heartbreaks, exhilaration — all the lessons I’ve managed to accrue through the nearly one hundred years that God has given me on this planet… Knowledge is nothing unless it is shared.  I know that knowledge for knowledge’s sake is a wonderful ideal, but in reality, it is the transmission of understanding that is the very basis of civilization.” (p.7).

As I work with multi-generational families and family-owned businesses, one of the core principles we emphasize is the process of transferring knowledge, intellectual capital, and life experiences from the senior generations to their children and grandchildren. It is not an easy process — I think it is one of those “important but not urgent” activities that Stephen Covey emphasizes.  Part of my role as a family coach is to help structure activities and processes to help make the transfer happen.
And as we come upon the Thanksgiving holiday, I tend to think about how to best use our time together as a family.  What traditions do we want to keep doing?  Which traditions really aren’t that important or have lost their meaning?  What conversations do I want to have with my adult children when they are home?  What information or life experiences do I want to share with them?

Here are seven “lessons for life” that John Wooden’s father shared with him on a card given at his high school graduation:

1. Be true to yourself.
2. Make each day your masterpiece.
3. Help others.
4. Drink deeply from good books.
5. Make friendship a fine art.
6. Build a shelter against a rainy day.
7. Pray for guidance and give thanks for your blessings every day. (p.13)

Think about those who have impacted your life and the lessons you learned from them — both from direct instruction and from their modeling.

And then think about what you want to pass on to those who are important to you.  Maybe take some time and share a life experience with someone younger: “You know, I was thinking about … and a lesson I learned. . . . “

Have a great week.

Recently, there has been an “outrage” expressed in the media and in some communities about the continued increase in violence in our country. About two weeks ago an honor student was beaten to death by peers in Chicago — and the violence was captured by cell phones.
In response to this incident a number of community leaders have called for “action” — and from their perspective this means more government programs, more community-based interventions — with the accompanying government funding. This is an example of another misguided understanding of what creates behavior and what is needed to help people make better choices.

So let’s look at the issues that together create a violent response.

Anger. Anger is one of the responses that comes from one’s expectations not being met. People get anger when “X shouldn’t have happened” or when “You should have done Y” and you didn’t. So a key aspect to understanding anger (and violence) is the mismatch between people’s expectations and their experience of reality.

I believe a key contributing factor to the increase of violence in our society is a growing lack of realistic expectations people have. You may insert your own beliefs of what unrealistic expectations are but mine include: the right to have money even if you don’t work, the right to have (health care, housing, insert almost anything) at the same level as anyone else who lives in the U.S. I think we need to take a serious look at the expectations we are creating for our society — they are not logically consistent nor realistically sustainable. As a result, unrealistic expectations + not matching our daily experience leads to increasing anger.

Constant Violent Images. I continue to be amazed at our society. Why are we surprised that violent acts are increasing when we are flooded with violent images? When a majority of our TV shows (CSI, Law & Order, etc.) every night of the week are based on someone getting killed or raped, when our children and teens come home and spend hours every week playing video games which simulate stealing, shooting, and beating up others, and when our music idolizes sexual violence — how else should we expect young adults to act?

Poor impulse control. As a culture we do not really value nor teach impulse control. Impulse control is the ability to stop and think before you act. It includes the ability to delay gratification — just because I want it, doesn’t mean I get it right now. Our “enjoy the moment”, “buy now, pay later”, and “I have the right to . . .” culture undermines the development of children’s and adolescents learning to “do the right thing” even if it doesn’t feel right. Our culture’s focus on pleasure is a distorted view of “happiness”. Happiness doesn’t come from getting every desire met immediately — true happiness comes from living life in a way that helps you live in harmonious relationships with others and achieving goals and accomplishments that enhance the quality of your life over time. [Think about eating healthily and exercising vs. eating sweets all the time and laying around the house playing video games.]

Societal acceptance. When a community loses its ability to communicate acceptance or judgment of unacceptable behavior, the unacceptable behavior will continue to grow in frequency. The moral relativity we have accepted in our culture has lead us to be reluctant to call anything “wrong” — but then we don’t understand when individuals go ahead do “wrong” things [e.g. Bernie Madoff and taking advantage of others financially). Peer pressure works — both positively and negatively. People still want to be accepted, not be shunned or embarrassed — and group pressure from a person’s community can impact their choices. But we have largely given up the power of this type of influence.

So what do we do? First, understand that violence is a personal choice, not primarily a societal problem to be solved by governmental intervention. Second, start to attack the issues that create the propensity for violence. Individually, I think we should refuse to watch violent TV shows (and write the networks or advertisers) and not purchase violent video games. Third, teach our children and families both realistic expectations for life, and the ability to control their impulses. And lastly (although it may not be politically correct) communicate concern and disappointment when those around you make poor choices — if you don’t, then they will come to believe that lying, cheating, stealing, and treating others poorly is acceptable.