Sometimes someone writes an article, or gives a speech, that is noteworthy. Their thoughtfulness and manner of communication is remarkable. And you really can’t add much to what they have already said. But you want to share their thoughts with those important to you.

Such is the nature of the article, based on his commencement speech to the 2010 graduating class at the Harvard Business School, by Clayton Christensen. He is a professor at the school and was asked by the class to speak at their graduation ceremony.

I will briefly highlight some of his points — primarily to entice you to read the whole article, which can be found at this link.

Dr Christensen states that: “On the last day of class, I ask my students … to find cogent answers to three questions: First, how can I be sure that I’ll be happy in my career? Second, how can I be sure that my relationships with my spouse and my family become an enduring source of happiness? Third, how can I be sure I’ll stay out of jail?” [He goes on to report that two of his Rhodes scholar program classmates wound up spending time in jail.’

With regards to the career question, he states: “More and more MBA students come to school thinking that a career in business means buying, selling, and investing in companies. That’s unfortunate. doing deals doesn’t yield the deep rewards that come from building up people. I want students to leave my classroom knowing that.”

Regarding the second question, Christensen reports: “Over the years I’ve watched the fates of my HBS [Harvard Business School] classmates from 1979 unfold; I’ve seen more and more of them come to reunions unhappy, divorced, and alienated from their children. I can guarantee you that not a single one of them graduated with the deliberate strategy of getting divorced and raising children who would become estranged from them. And yet a shocking number of them implemented that strategy. The reason? They didn’t keep the purpose of their lives front and center as they decided how to spend their time, talents, and energy.”

He goes on to say: “Your decisions about allocating your personal time, energy, and talent ultimately shape your life’s strategy. I have a bunch of ‘businesses’ that compete for these resources: I’m trying to have a rewarding relationship with my wife, raise great kids, contribute to my community, succeed in my career, contribute to my church, and so on. And I have exactly the same problem that a corporation does. I have a limited amount of time and energy and talent. How much do I devote to each of these pursuits?”

Finally, regarding “staying out of jail”, he frames it as “how to live a life of integrity (stay out of jail). Unconsciously, we often employ the marginal cost doctrine in our personal lives when we choose between right and wrong. A voice in our head says, ‘Look, I know that as a general rule, most people shouldn’t do this. But in this particular extenuating circumstance, just this once, it’s OK.’ the marginal cost of doing something wrong ‘just this once’ always seems alluringly low. It suckers you in, and you don’t ever look at where that path ultimately is headed and at the full costs that the choice entails.”

I will let you read the rest of the article yourself so you can gain the full impact of his points.

Let me briefly add some supporting comments of my own.

Since I have the opportunity to work with business owners and financially successful individuals and families across the country, I am able to observe some repetitive patterns in families and relationships.

The most glaring theme is that there seem to be three types of individuals who are successful in business (or their chosen career):

1) those who are extremely successful largely due to a high level of commitment, drive and who have sacrificed most of the rest of their lives (physical health, family relationships, friendships, personal ethics) to achieve their goals;

2) those who have been able to maintain a sense of balance in their lives along the way due to a clear commitment to priorities in their lives; and

3) those who are somewhere in between, desiring to be balanced but often find themselves out of balance in their use of time and energy.

Members of Group 1 are often wealthy, sometimes famous, still “driving” toward career (or other) goals. They are largely unhappy, self-focused and highly insecure. My observation is that they usually are not very enjoyable to be around — they often have anger issues.

Group 2 members are usually amazing people, who are a delight to be around. They are humble, realizing that their success is probably a combination of perseverance and being in the right place at the right time. They are guided by a strong set of personal values. They have a giving approach to life and much can be learned from them.

Most of us (I think) are in Group 3. We have good intentions. We generally are going on the right path, but often need to make corrections along the way — with work/career or other pursuits getting out of balance. We need mentors, reminders and good friends to give us honest input and feedback.

Which group are you in? Where do you want to be? How can you get there?

This past Father’s Day was the first, as far as I can remember, since my oldest children (twins) were born 27 years ago that I was away from all of my children. I am on a business trip that carried over the weekend, so I am away from my family. On one hand, it was weird and lonely. On the other hand, I got to do some fun things (hike in N. California redwoods and go to a beach) and all of my children called and we had nice chats.

I’d like to share some thoughts about fathers, from a variety of perspectives.

First, a few thoughts about my own dad who died 15 years ago this summer — he was 71 years old and I was 37. My dad, Roger White, was a very bright, largely self-educated man. When I reflect on some of the core character qualities that he had, I think of:

*Provider — he took his role of providing for our family seriously, and strove to do the best he could for his children and grandchildren;

*Life long learner – my dad was always learning- about engineering, mechanical design, sailing, construction, investments, how things worked;

*Problem-solver — a common dinnertime discussion topic was a recent problem he had observed and his thoughts about different ways the problem could potentially be solved, and he encouraged us to be observant of problems that needed to be solved in the world around us;

*Giver — dad was generous to those around him - to mom, to the kids (and our spouses) and grandkids, to friends and those in need that he saw;

*Hard worker — this was a “given”, if you were a member of our family (nuclear or extended) you were a hard worker;

*Focused — this was both an asset and a liability for dad, he could become focused on an issue, problem or topic and it was tough to get him off of it.

I am thankful for the legacy he left to me and my children through his modeling of these character qualities.

A second perspective comes from the fact that I conducted a family meeting this past weekend that included a multi-generational discussion on the dynamics of relationships between parents and their adult children. And there were some interesting points made and comments during the discussion.

One of the themes we discussed was the roles and responsibilities of parents (both mothers and fathers) when children are growing up. These include the responsibility to:

nurture, protect, encourage, model, teach, discipline, entertain, transport, facilitate personal development,

provide - food, clothing, shelter & other resources, make decisions, train in social skills, expose to the larger world.

When the young adults in the room saw this list growing, they spontaneously commented: “Whoa! That is a lot of responsibility. I’m not sure I want to be a parent!”

Additionally, as we worked through the different stages of parent / child relationships (childhood, adolescence, adult children), we talked about the tensions of transition in different stages. One thought shared was that parents of adult children often are confused about how much input or counsel to give their children (and their spouses). Many parents don’t want to be overly involved or intrusive, and can actually “back off” too much where they become disengaged from their children’s lives. Other parents (the one more commonly portrayed in the media) can be overly involved, give too much advice (and too strong of advice, not allowing for differing views) and essentially are experienced as being intrusive. [We discussed ways to manage this tension — which you were there!]

Another interesting (to me) point was that one of the main things parents of adult children desire from their children and other family members is — companionship. Sometimes we just like being together, hanging out, and being a part of our kids’ lives. Why? Revisit the list above of the responsibilities we carried for a number of years. We have invested a lot in our kids — time, energy, (and yes, money). And our kids have been a major part of our lives. Often, we like them and enjoy their company. Many young adults who are in their own life stage of finding their own identity and independence, forget about the situation from their parents’ point of view. So a hint to young adults and older “children” — a relatively low-cost gift to your folks is to choose to spend some time with them.

We need to look at fathers from one other perspective — from those who are either fatherless, or essentially fatherless — their fathers aren’t involved in their lives. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon in our culture. The number of children who are raised in homes without a father present is astounding. Add the number of fathers who are in the home but really not present because of work or other activities, or who are not emotionally or relationally present — and the percentage is frightening. Why? Because fathers provide important messages to their children — that they are special and loved, that they are valuable and worth one’s time and energy, and that we believe in you. (Mothers obviously communicate these messages as well, but dad’s do it in a different way.)

So if you are a guy, when (not if, but when) you are around those whose father is not present, spend a little extra time with them. Give them some time and encouragement. Let them know they are neat. Share some wisdom with them, or teach them a skill. It could be a small gift that goes a long ways to impact a child’s life.

Yes, dad’s can be annoying. But we can be cool, too (sort of). If your dad is still around, let him know something you appreciate about him or what he did for you while you were growing up. It will warm his heart.

Unfortunately, when the issue of “character” is in the news today, the focus is usually on character failures — lack of integrity, marital unfaithfulness, greed and dishonesty. So to be able to talk about a man of good character is a privilege.

When thinking about the title of this entry, I was indecisive about whether it should be “To a Great Man of Character” or “To a Man of Great Character”. Obviously, I chose the latter — for two reasons. First, in the world’s eyes I don’t know if Spence Sawyer would be characterized as a “great man” — in the general terms of incredible success professionally or in terms of raw talent. Although he was talented in several areas and he was also quite successful in his profession, most who knew Spence focused on who he was as a person. So, the second reason I chose this title is because almost everyone who knew Spence would agree he was a man of “great character”. It was his character that impacted others, and most who knew him (including myself) found themselves wanting to emulate him.

Spence Sawyer died this week at the age of 78. He was born and raised in the suburbs of west Chicago and spent most of his adult life in this area, with a few years early in his professional life living in New Jersey while commuting to New York City. He was the father of seven children, whom he mentored and helped each obtain a private college education (no small feat financially, regardless of the era).

I want to highlight just a few of the character qualities that I first thought of when reflecting on Spence’s life:

Responsible. Responsibility was at the core of Spence’s being — shouldering the responsibility of leading his family and guiding his children, from childhood through adolescence and into their adult lives; taking responsibility to provide leadership in most of the organizations he was committed to (his church, his company [he worked for Illinois Bell and AT&T for forty years], the college he and many of his family members attended), and just in general daily life. If Spence saw something that needed to be done, he would make sure it got done.

Faithful. In his personal relationships, Spence was faithful to his wife, Ruth, of over 50 years, his children, grandchildren and his friends. Spence was “Mr. Reliable”. If he made a commitment, he kept it. You never had to wonder if he was going to show up; he was always there. He followed through on commitments made — in fact, you would never think of Spence not following through. He was rock solid. You wanted him on your team — and he was sought out by organizations because they knew he would help you achieve your goals.

Investing in others. I’m not sure of the best way to put this, or of a good singular term, but Spence gave his life in the service of others. He was not self-promoting. He did not seek positions of leadership — he was seen as a leader and asked to take leadership positions by those around him. After his retirement in the 90’s, he spent much of his time and energy meeting with others — teaching, mentoring, listening and encouraging. Interestingly, because of some early life experiences that impacted him significantly, Spence was reluctant to give advice to others — even when asked. But if you cornered him, you could get him to help you frame the problem and think through the issues you needed to consider. (The result of his investing in others will be seen next week at his memorial service where 800-900 people are expected to honor him and share in the celebration of his life.)

Laughter. From the previous descriptors, one might conclude that Spence was a stern, stodgy, “all work and no play” kind of guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Spence was one of the best story- and joke-tellers I have ever known, and he loved to laugh. In fact, one of my favorite memories is sitting with him at the kitchen table, having a bowl of ice cream and he would start telling some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. The problem was, he would start tearing up and laughing before he finished the joke — and you found yourself laughing and crying just because he was (and you weren’t exactly sure why)!

There are lots of other personal qualities that characterized Spence, some of which were so ingrained in who he was that you couldn’t think of him not exhibiting them (honesty, integrity, generosity). He was a man of deep spirituality who loved the God he served and who has left a legacy in the lives of those who knew him — that will endure for years to come. I know that I have been deeply impacted by his input into my life and I will miss him dearly. I had the privilege of knowing him for over 30 years, as the father of my wife. His leaving the life on this earth has caused me to seriously reflect on my life and my priorities.

I hope that I will also become a man of great character.

I started reading a good book this week — A Game Plan for Life: The Power of Mentoring by John Wooden and Don Yaeger.  It was recommended to me by a good friend, and I always try to pass on worthwhile reading to others.

The first part of the book covers the seven mentors that influenced Coach Wooden (for those of you who don’t know, he was one of the most successful college basketball coaches of all time, at UCLA). In discussing different types of mentors (professional, personal, spiritual, etc.), he makes a fascinating point:

• “I know that my life has been blessed with incredible opportunities, and as a result, I have a responsibility to reach out to others to share the insights, experiences, heartbreaks, exhilaration — all the lessons I’ve managed to accrue through the nearly one hundred years that God has given me on this planet… Knowledge is nothing unless it is shared.  I know that knowledge for knowledge’s sake is a wonderful ideal, but in reality, it is the transmission of understanding that is the very basis of civilization.” (p.7).

As I work with multi-generational families and family-owned businesses, one of the core principles we emphasize is the process of transferring knowledge, intellectual capital, and life experiences from the senior generations to their children and grandchildren. It is not an easy process — I think it is one of those “important but not urgent” activities that Stephen Covey emphasizes.  Part of my role as a family coach is to help structure activities and processes to help make the transfer happen.
And as we come upon the Thanksgiving holiday, I tend to think about how to best use our time together as a family.  What traditions do we want to keep doing?  Which traditions really aren’t that important or have lost their meaning?  What conversations do I want to have with my adult children when they are home?  What information or life experiences do I want to share with them?

Here are seven “lessons for life” that John Wooden’s father shared with him on a card given at his high school graduation:

1. Be true to yourself.
2. Make each day your masterpiece.
3. Help others.
4. Drink deeply from good books.
5. Make friendship a fine art.
6. Build a shelter against a rainy day.
7. Pray for guidance and give thanks for your blessings every day. (p.13)

Think about those who have impacted your life and the lessons you learned from them — both from direct instruction and from their modeling.

And then think about what you want to pass on to those who are important to you.  Maybe take some time and share a life experience with someone younger: “You know, I was thinking about … and a lesson I learned. . . . “

Have a great week.

Most of the work I do is with families — family-owned businesses, families who work together, families who have sold businesses and now manage the resulting assets together, and just plain families.  And in my everyday life I have the opportunity to interact with and observe families of all configurations.  Add my own personal life, of being a son, and the father of four adult children, and I have a fair amount of data to draw from.

Fathers and sons are interesting in how they relate.  Dads, especially when they are younger and are raising young children, seem to focus largely on providing for their families (a home in a safe environment, good schooling opportunities, and other life experiences which they value) and on character development.  Dads (and moms) tend to what to make sure their children are obedient, not whiners, tell the truth, are hard workers, and become responsible for themselves as they grow older.

When sons become older teens and young adults, the dynamic changes.  Since dads want their sons to become independent young adults (and the sons want this, too!), a tension is created — how to continue to give input and guidance into their sons’ lives while also respecting their independence and individuality.  And this is often a difficult balance to maintain.  I have seen men who totally “back off” out of their sons’ lives to the point that their sons have felt almost abandoned.  That usually wasn’t the father’s intent; they just didn’t want to be overly controlling with their sons.  But sometimes the sons would like more input from their dads (when they ask for it) and can get frustrated of not really being able to learn from their dad’s experience. (This sometimes happens when the father had an overly controlling father themselves and they don’t want to repeat the pattern with their children.)

An interesting fact to remember is that guys tend to build relationships by doing something together.   That is why they get together to watch sports (or go to sporting events together) and the variety of things that guys do — hunt, fish, shoot hoops, play video games, work on cars, go biking, work on a remodeling project together, and so forth.  Guys tend to talk while doing something else — as opposed to most women, who value getting together just to talk.

So a challenge for dads and their sons, as both get older and their lives become separate, is finding activities they still can (or want to) do together.  And this can be especially challenging if the father and son work together (because the son usually doesn’t want to “hang out” with dad after work.)

My relationship with my dad was largely built around working on projects together, especially on Saturday mornings.  I learned a lot of practical skills but it was also challenging because my mechanical skills are virtually negative, while my dad was a self-taught mechanical engineer and designer.   Since his death fourteen years ago, I have frequently missed the opportunity to call him up and ask his advice on various home projects or repairs I had to do.

Largely from his modeling, much of my time with my sons was also on working projects.  Ask my guys about “Saturday mornings” when they were growing up, and you may hear moans, see their eyes roll, and one of them will launch into what a slave driver I was (which is probably partially true).  I also enjoyed playing basketball, football or soccer with them, and going to their practices and games.  We still enjoy watching some sports together.

The difficulty with this approach is that it can become largely task-focused (getting the job done) or the sporting event doesn’t really allow for much significant conversation to occur.  Finding time to talk about important topics in life is still an area I find difficult.   Probably the most significant discussions occur when my kids come home for dinner and we have some to time to discuss deeper issues during and after the meal.

A key point (and one made by many authors of parenting books) is that sons (and daughters, too) really are looking for affirmation from their dads.  Kids (regardless of their age) want to know that their dad likes them — that he loves them, accepts them, and is proud of who they are becoming.

Most of us dads (myself included) are pretty lousy at communicating acceptance and affirmation of our kids.  We are so anxious about them “turning out bad” that we are constantly prodding them, pushing them, correcting them, and encouraging them to learn to make good choices, that the message our children receive is one of conditional acceptance.  I know this either is or has been an issue in my relationship with each of my children.  I personally find the tension of helping them develop the character qualities that are important to me, while at the same time demonstrating love, affection, affirmation and acceptance to be a difficult line to walk.

I am open to hearing your thoughts and input on building healthy relationships with sons, as you both move forward in your walks toward maturity.