My wife (Kathy) and I have been married 30 years. We are both college-educated and fairly good communicators. Most people understand us when we talk or write.

But sometimes we have a hard time communicating with each other. It is not that we don’t try, or that one of us doesn’t want to understand. But occasionally (I think it is only occasionally), one of us just doesn’t “get” what the other person is saying. I will admit that the person in our relationship that doesn’t “get it” most often is usually me.

She is trying to communicate something and I’m listening. I’m nodding like I understand. I feedback to her what she just said. And I may get the words right, but it is clear to her (sometimes, also to me) that I am not really understanding what she is trying to say. Even now, I think of conversations where I am nodding, “Yea, yea”, and then all-of-a-sudden I get ‘fogged’. “Whoa, wait a minute. You lost me there. I got point A, and point B, but then I’m not sure where you went from there.” And she tries again, with different words, but I find myself wincing and squinting, shaking my head side-to-side and just generally being confused.

Recently, we had this experience again. She was sharing about some challenges in our relationship, and I’m listening. But I am not getting it. And she is getting frustrated with herself that she can’t communicate her thoughts, feelings and experiences in a way that I understand what she is trying to say.

Ok, so I am a psychologist. And I am supposed to be this expert in human interactions — relationships, communication, feelings, and all that. This isn’t supposed to happen to me or in my marriage. (Wrong.)

So we agreed to try an experiment — some creative problem-solving, if you will. Since we have had this experience at least a few times, and seem to get stuck at the same place, we agreed we need to try something different. We are going to try to communicate these thoughts & feelings differently.

Here’s some things we are going to try (or, at least, consider as options):

Write it down. Sometimes people are better able to communicate more clearly when they write down their thoughts. This allows them to review what they have written and see if it really expresses what they are trying to say. It also slows down the interaction so the receiver doesn’t respond right away and you get into a quick interchange, which can lead to heightened emotions or getting off track.

Draw a picture. Drawing a picture of how you are feeling now, and possibly a picture of how you would like things to be may “break through” and help the person see the situation differently. It can be an actual drawing of the situation, or a “feeling picture” that represents what you are experiencing inside.

Use a word picture. Use some daily life situation that can serve as an example of what you are thinking. “It’s like cooking. You have the ingredients. You put them together, but not in the right order. And so the cake doesn’t turn out right.”

The best kinds of word pictures are those using examples and experiences most familiar to the recipient of the message. If you are trying to get your husband to understand something, use objects and processes that are part of his life — sports, fishing, planning a project at work, food, mechanics, computers — whatever it is.

Find some media (song, book poem, video clip) that says or shows what you are trying to communicate. This could be tough, but there are media examples out there that communicate our internal experience better than what we can say ourselves. It could be a song (Carole King’s “You’re So Vain” comes to mind!), or a passage from a book (keep it short), a poem (don’t get too metaphorical), or a clip from a movie (this could be good if the guy doesn’t infer too much from the rest of the movie).

You may have other suggestions. I’m open to ideas. We will see how it goes (I’ll let you know if we have a major breakthrough).

I think the encouraging part is — we keep trying. We know each other is trying. We aren’t giving up (yet) on trying to communicate. Maybe it’s me as an individual person. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy. Maybe it’s just tough for men and women to fully understand each other. Maybe it is something else. We haven’t figured it out yet. I will let you know if / when we do.

We usually think of opposites in terms of a simple, “either-or” relationship — such as light and darkness, large and small, heavy and light.  And these opposites exist on a single continuum, with the opposing characteristics being on the ends of the spectrum.

But there are some relationships which are more complex, where there is more than one characteristic that can be opposite of another.  For example, in comparing a “good meal” with a bad one, there are different factors that can lead to that judgment.  The quality of the basic ingredients, the correct amount of the ingredients, combining the ingredients in the proper order and utilizing the appropriate process, the degree and duration of cooking, the temperature of the food when presented, and the combination of the various dishes prepared — all lead to the combined quality of the meal.  So a meal can be unsatisfactory because the food is too salty, the meat was overcooked and tough, the vegetables are room temperature, the baker used baking soda instead of baking powder, or you don’t especially like a spicy green salsa on your cranberry apple salad.

Similarly, it seems that there is more than one “opposite” of being thankful.  In fact, if you think of the term “opposite” being rooted in the meaning of “opposing”, the issue becomes more clear.

So, as we approach the Thanksgiving holiday, instead of the traditional approach of thinking about those things for which we are thankful (we is generally a good exercise to do), let’s look at those characteristics and attitudes which get in the way of being thankful.

• Apathy.  An “I don’t care” attitude reflects a lack of appreciation for one’s present circumstances.  Someone who is passive, has little interest or motivation in the current situation, really doesn’t understand how bad things could actually be.  (I believe apathy reflects a deeper sense of self-focus where the individual becomes passive when they can’t do what they want to.)
• Entitlement. When individuals come to believe that they deserve x, y, or z, then having that item or being able to do what they believe is their right becomes a baseline expectation for life.  And when we believe we have a right to something, we generally are not that thankful when we get it.
• Impatience.  When we are impatient (and usually, also irritable) in our current life circumstance, it follows that we are not really very thankful for the situation we find ourselves in.  Usually, we are quite focused on a very narrow aspect of the situation (being stuck in traffic and late to a meeting or event) and fail to see the positives of the broader context (having a car to travel in, living in a safe country).
• Envy.  Focusing on what others have that we don’t, or characteristics of their lives we wish were true for us lead us away from being thankful what we have and our current life circumstances. (Remember, there are 3 billion people who go to bed hungry every night.)
• Anger.  When we become angry, we essentially are saying (to ourselves and others) — “This should have (or shouldn’t have) happened ..”.  And when our expectations aren’t met, we become angry about it.  It seems to be pretty difficult to be thankful and angry at the same time, I think (try it!).
• Greed.  Have you ever been around a child who always wants more?  More toys.  More fun.  More food (to the point of excess).  They rarely seem to be thankful for what they just received or experienced, but rather quickly move on to “What’s next?”  As adults, we may have just completed a pleasurable experience, and are already looking on to the next fun thing to do.  Greed and gratefulness don’t co-exist.
• Worry. This is an interesting juxtaposition to thankfulness.  Worry and anxiety have to do with the future — x, y or z may happen; or “if Q happens, then …[some bad thing] will occur.”  It’s hard to be grateful and enjoy life when you are around someone who is anxious and worrisome.  Almost by definition, they are so focused on a possible future event, they cannot enjoy the present.

I am sure there are other characteristics and attitudes that interfere with, and oppose, being thankful. Some of the ones identified above create a sense of embarrassment for me, because they are too often true in my own daily life.  (Sorry about that to those of you who live closely with me.)

If you wouldn’t mind, take a moment and review the list.  Go slow and think about periods when you have struggled with these attitudes.  Think of specific times and circumstances. And when you are ready, choose to move on.  Resolve to battle these ways of thinking when they come up.
For some reason, there are always a few foundational things that I find myself repeatedly thankful for.  And I’d like to share some of them with you.  Those of you who have lived in more difficult times and places, or who have traveled in poorer countries, can probably identify with these relatively simple items:

• a hot shower
• a glass of clean, refreshing ice water
• air conditioning
• fresh fruit
• a warm house or a warm place to work
• a family member or friend who loves you
• pain relievers and medication
• money to be able to take care of an unexpected expense
• warm sunshine or a cool breeze
• no bugs biting me while I am in bed
• clean, dry clothes
• a variety of food to eat

I’ll stop there (although I’d love to keep going).

I hope you have a tremendous time with family and friends this coming week.  Be sure to them how much you appreciate how they have enriched your life!

I started reading a good book this week — A Game Plan for Life: The Power of Mentoring by John Wooden and Don Yaeger.  It was recommended to me by a good friend, and I always try to pass on worthwhile reading to others.

The first part of the book covers the seven mentors that influenced Coach Wooden (for those of you who don’t know, he was one of the most successful college basketball coaches of all time, at UCLA). In discussing different types of mentors (professional, personal, spiritual, etc.), he makes a fascinating point:

• “I know that my life has been blessed with incredible opportunities, and as a result, I have a responsibility to reach out to others to share the insights, experiences, heartbreaks, exhilaration — all the lessons I’ve managed to accrue through the nearly one hundred years that God has given me on this planet… Knowledge is nothing unless it is shared.  I know that knowledge for knowledge’s sake is a wonderful ideal, but in reality, it is the transmission of understanding that is the very basis of civilization.” (p.7).

As I work with multi-generational families and family-owned businesses, one of the core principles we emphasize is the process of transferring knowledge, intellectual capital, and life experiences from the senior generations to their children and grandchildren. It is not an easy process — I think it is one of those “important but not urgent” activities that Stephen Covey emphasizes.  Part of my role as a family coach is to help structure activities and processes to help make the transfer happen.
And as we come upon the Thanksgiving holiday, I tend to think about how to best use our time together as a family.  What traditions do we want to keep doing?  Which traditions really aren’t that important or have lost their meaning?  What conversations do I want to have with my adult children when they are home?  What information or life experiences do I want to share with them?

Here are seven “lessons for life” that John Wooden’s father shared with him on a card given at his high school graduation:

1. Be true to yourself.
2. Make each day your masterpiece.
3. Help others.
4. Drink deeply from good books.
5. Make friendship a fine art.
6. Build a shelter against a rainy day.
7. Pray for guidance and give thanks for your blessings every day. (p.13)

Think about those who have impacted your life and the lessons you learned from them — both from direct instruction and from their modeling.

And then think about what you want to pass on to those who are important to you.  Maybe take some time and share a life experience with someone younger: “You know, I was thinking about … and a lesson I learned. . . . “

Have a great week.

Recently, there has been an “outrage” expressed in the media and in some communities about the continued increase in violence in our country. About two weeks ago an honor student was beaten to death by peers in Chicago — and the violence was captured by cell phones.
In response to this incident a number of community leaders have called for “action” — and from their perspective this means more government programs, more community-based interventions — with the accompanying government funding. This is an example of another misguided understanding of what creates behavior and what is needed to help people make better choices.

So let’s look at the issues that together create a violent response.

Anger. Anger is one of the responses that comes from one’s expectations not being met. People get anger when “X shouldn’t have happened” or when “You should have done Y” and you didn’t. So a key aspect to understanding anger (and violence) is the mismatch between people’s expectations and their experience of reality.

I believe a key contributing factor to the increase of violence in our society is a growing lack of realistic expectations people have. You may insert your own beliefs of what unrealistic expectations are but mine include: the right to have money even if you don’t work, the right to have (health care, housing, insert almost anything) at the same level as anyone else who lives in the U.S. I think we need to take a serious look at the expectations we are creating for our society — they are not logically consistent nor realistically sustainable. As a result, unrealistic expectations + not matching our daily experience leads to increasing anger.

Constant Violent Images. I continue to be amazed at our society. Why are we surprised that violent acts are increasing when we are flooded with violent images? When a majority of our TV shows (CSI, Law & Order, etc.) every night of the week are based on someone getting killed or raped, when our children and teens come home and spend hours every week playing video games which simulate stealing, shooting, and beating up others, and when our music idolizes sexual violence — how else should we expect young adults to act?

Poor impulse control. As a culture we do not really value nor teach impulse control. Impulse control is the ability to stop and think before you act. It includes the ability to delay gratification — just because I want it, doesn’t mean I get it right now. Our “enjoy the moment”, “buy now, pay later”, and “I have the right to . . .” culture undermines the development of children’s and adolescents learning to “do the right thing” even if it doesn’t feel right. Our culture’s focus on pleasure is a distorted view of “happiness”. Happiness doesn’t come from getting every desire met immediately — true happiness comes from living life in a way that helps you live in harmonious relationships with others and achieving goals and accomplishments that enhance the quality of your life over time. [Think about eating healthily and exercising vs. eating sweets all the time and laying around the house playing video games.]

Societal acceptance. When a community loses its ability to communicate acceptance or judgment of unacceptable behavior, the unacceptable behavior will continue to grow in frequency. The moral relativity we have accepted in our culture has lead us to be reluctant to call anything “wrong” — but then we don’t understand when individuals go ahead do “wrong” things [e.g. Bernie Madoff and taking advantage of others financially). Peer pressure works — both positively and negatively. People still want to be accepted, not be shunned or embarrassed — and group pressure from a person’s community can impact their choices. But we have largely given up the power of this type of influence.

So what do we do? First, understand that violence is a personal choice, not primarily a societal problem to be solved by governmental intervention. Second, start to attack the issues that create the propensity for violence. Individually, I think we should refuse to watch violent TV shows (and write the networks or advertisers) and not purchase violent video games. Third, teach our children and families both realistic expectations for life, and the ability to control their impulses. And lastly (although it may not be politically correct) communicate concern and disappointment when those around you make poor choices — if you don’t, then they will come to believe that lying, cheating, stealing, and treating others poorly is acceptable.

I don’t know about you but a lot of my daily life can be contaminated by anxiety – not major, life-crippling anxiety, but those small little worries about daily life activities and events.  And if I am not careful, anxiety can almost rule my day.  While I’m doing one thing, I’m worrying about the next event or meeting.  What a waste.  It is not the way I want to live my life.

So let’s talk about ways we can manage these worry-focused thoughts.  First, let’s briefly define what anxiety is. 

First and foremost, anxiety is fear (usually a “small” fear).  We are afraid we are going to be late.  We worry about what others will think of us.  We are concerned about being adequately prepared for a meeting / speech / test / presentation later this week.

Secondly, we can note that worrying and being anxious is about the future – something that is going to (or may) happen at some point after “now”.  We don’t worry about the past, although we may worry how our past actions or decisions will impact the future.

Finally, most anxiety has some component of circumstances you can’t totally control.  Some people worry about the weather, others about the stock market, or traffic; some are anxious about what other people will think about them.  [Think about it – if we are worrying about things totally under our control, we could effectively manage the anxiety by just doing the action necessary.]

Now let’s identify the three most common responses to anxiety (I seem to be thinking in “3’s” today):

            1. Action.  A lot of people (myself included), do something when they are anxious.  It may not be productive activity – but doing something gives the person a sense that they are helping the situation (this may or may not be true).

            2. Paralysis.  Others tend to become paralyzed when they are anxious.  They don’t know what to do, so they withdraw, become passive and do nothing.  Frequently, these individuals also become highly internally focused, focusing on their thoughts and feelings.

            3. Rumination.  This is the third response, that can go with either action or paralysis.  Some people focus on what they are worrying about – and continue to think and talk repetitively about their worries.  This response can lead to a self-stimulating cycle of increasing anxiety.

So, what can we do when we are anxious?  Here are some ways to manage ourselves:

            *Limit the amount of “future” that you allow yourself to think (and worry) about.  Since worrying is all about the future, the more “future” that you allow yourself to be concerned about, the more opportunity there is for things to worry about.  So just focus on today – take “one day at a time”.  In highly stressful circumstances, you may even break the day into smaller segments (“I’m going to get to lunch, and then figure out the rest of the day after that.”)

            *Determine what you can do to manage the risks you are concerned about.  If you are worried about getting a low grade on a test, make a plan and schedule to study for it.  If you are concerned about ‘blowing’ a presentation, prepare the best you can.  If are anxious about being late to an appointment, leave early and allow extra time for unplanned events.  Make sure and take small steps to implement the plan.

            *Avoid people, unnecessary situations or input that increase your anxiety.  There are some people who are chronic worriers and have a fearful approach to life.  If I  am anxious myself, I try not to be around these people too much so they don’t feed my own anxiety.  Or if I am worried about the economy and my retirement savings, I will limit how much financial news I will expose myself to.

            *Distract yourself with positive activities.  Sometimes there are situations where all you can do is ‘wait’ (for example, waiting to hear if you were accepted into the college of your choice; or waiting to hear if you got the job you applied for).  When there is nothing you can really do to make the situation better, it may be good to go ahead and live life – go for a run, spend some fun time with friends, do some other work or tasks that need to be done, read a book, help somebody else in need.

            *Be thankful for the positive things in your life – especially the ‘little’ things.  Gratitude is a great antidote for a lot of negative things in our lives, including anxiety.  Look for little daily things that you appreciate – food to eat for breakfast, a nice cool morning, being able to work inside when it is raining outside, having family and friends that care about you, a car that starts, and so forth.

            *Build competencies into your life that will help you deal with ongoing challenges in your life.  Sometimes there are circumstances in our lives that are going to be there for a while – financial hardship, long work days, being away from family and friends.  And it can be helpful to have a longer term view on dealing with these situations – figuring out what you can build into your life that will help you long-term in dealing with the challenges you face.  Work on a ‘tighter’ budget, figure out some ways to earn a little extra money, develop an exercise program, learn how to use Skype to keep in touch with people over long distance.

So, that’s it. For those of you fellow-worriers or anxiety addicts, maybe there will be some advice that can help reduce your daily anxiety level.  Have a great week!

This week I had the opportunity to attend a conference where both John Townsend (author of Boundaries) and Henry Cloud (author of Integrity) spoke on leadership.  Here are some notes of thoughts that I felt were interested and helpful.

John Townsend

Research is verifying the relationship between character, interpersonal skills and performance outcomes.  That is, if you work on the “inside” issues you will see improvement in performance outcomes. (See below for why this is the case.)

Life is more than making right choices – doing cost/benefit analyses.  There are two sets of information that leaders need to listen to – external (verifiable objective facts) + internal (listening to your ‘gut’).  True reality is a combination of objective information plus subjective intuition.

Values  — values are those things that you believe in to the point that they dictate your decisions.

Leaders need to focus less on what the mission statement says their core values are, and get an objective observer to share the values they observe in how the organization actually functions (i.e. focus on what their values are versus what they should be.)

The pendulum is swinging in leadership development from a pure focus on strategic planning, setting goals, managing by objectives, and the variety of technical processes to improve performance to also paying attention to the emotional side of life (and business).  Not focusing on feelings for feelings’ sake, but understanding that feelings play a role in both decision-making and in working as a team.

In decision-making, feelings play the role of relaying signals to the leader – signals that need to be paid attention to and investigated.  Anxiety (or concern or fear) is signaling that there may be a potential danger to heed.  Investigating the reality of the risk and taking steps to manage the risk (if it is real) is wise.  Ignoring the signal could be reckless.

Interestingly, Townsend indicates that the positive function of anger (irritation or frustration at lower levels) is an indication that you have a problem to solve – something is going on that you don’t like.  Now the problem may be internal – that you have unrealistic expectations that aren’t being met.  Or the problem may be external – that someone’s performance is not acceptable and needs to change.

A third emotion he cites that is critical to the business world is passion.  I personally have never considered passion as an emotion previously.  But it makes sense.  Townsend describes passion as “focused desire”.   And most successful leaders have or have experienced passion – that burning desire to do what they are called to.   A challenge for some leaders is that they lose the intensity of their passion / desire over time (which is a whole additional topic of discussion), while others struggle in maintaining the focus of their passion.

[Out of deference to Dr. Townsend and his intellectual capital, I am not going to list all of the positive and negative emotions he addressed in his book Leadership Beyond Reason:  How Great Leaders Succeed by Harnessing the Power of Their Values, Feelings, and Intuition.  Get the book – it is a good, solid leadership book with a unique perspective on the role of feelings in leadership.)

Townsend also believes that emotions play an important role in working effectively together with team members  — negative emotions among team members impede effective functioning, while positive feelings between colleagues facilitate better performance, both individually and as a unit.

He also describes the power of emotions in bringing to mind past relationships (what he and other psychologists call “internal relationships”) – those people who influenced us significantly in the past (parents, teachers, mentors, coaches) and still influence us “in our head”.  Dr. Townsend gives excellent examples of how leaders become stuck in their personal and leadership development because they can’t get past old messages from internalized relationships (“You’ll never amount to anything.”  “In the end, you’ll always screw it up.”)

A key application for me is that both Dr. Townsend and his colleague, Dr. Henry Cloud (whom I also heard) are seeing the need for coaching in the “middle space” for leaders.  There is plenty of coaching and leadership development in the strategic planning, becoming a change agent, etc. space.  And many leaders don’t need (or won’t get) heavy duty “counseling” focusing on personal problems.  But Dr. Cloud argues that there is the “middle space” that needs to be addressed – where a leader’s personal development has not kept pace with the growth of his organization and his or hers resulting responsibilities.  So there is a gap between the weight of their professional responsibilities and the development of personal skills and abilities to effective manage the demands.  Issues in this middle space include recurrent patterns of interpersonal difficulties (types of people you don’t work well with),  anxieties and fears that are making you hesitant to make decisions, personal and family  issues that are interfering with your performance by sapping your emotional energy, etc.  Business leaders need help working though these issues so that they can continue to become more productive leaders (which is the goal of the process).

One last interesting point Dr. Townsend  made about leaders.  Leaders are essential persuaders – they persuade others to follow them.  Initially, they do this by casting vision, identifying goals that will lead to the vision, communicating out a plan to reach the goals and then inspiring his team to share the vision and implement the plan.

But there is a difference between initially persuading followers and keeping them engaged.  For team members to continue to stay engaged with the vision and task, they need a sense of being listened to , understood and cared for by the leader.  This is a different skill set than the initial persuasive skills and many leaders either haven’t developed, don’t value or don’t practice the empathic listening to their team – and this ultimately leads to loss of enthusiasm, discouragement and conflict – for the unheard team member will find someone who will listen to them (other colleagues, other leaders) and this can lead to discontent and division within the team.

I’ll stop there.  “He who has ears to hear, let him listen (and act!)”

This week my wife and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.  Neither she nor I can believe we have been married that long — part of it is that we just don’t feel that “old”! (To keep the edge of reality a bit less sharp, we usually comment that we were only 12 when we got married.)

But as we have shared about our milestone with others, we have been asked quite a few times:  “What are the ’secrets’ to being married that long?”  I started to reflect on the question and came up with a few thoughts in response that I thought I would share.

• Marry the right person.  This may sound strange — and doesn’t really help those who are already married –but marrying a person who has the foundational character qualities that are needed for maintaining a long term relationship is key.  Two come to mind (there are many, obviously) — 1) avoid someone who is easily offended and 2) a person who holds grudges.  Both make it really difficult to forgive.  The first (being easily offended) means the person is going to have to forgive you a lot over the future decades.  And the second (holding grudges) means that they have a hard time “letting go” of offenses, which undermines the ability to maintain a close long term relationship. Most of us are blinded by infatuation and physical attraction when we are looking for someone to marry.  Some of us are (or were) just young and clueless.  So finding the right person under those circumstances is largely due to God’s grace in our lives.  But if you are still looking for a spouse, be sure and look for the true qualities you desire. (On the other hand, don’t be looking for Prince Charming or ‘The Perfect Woman’ — they don’t exist in reality.)

• Both individuals need to become good at forgiving.  Throughout the months, years and decades of your marriage, you will screw up a lot; and your spouse will make a lot of mistakes, so it is critical for both parties to be able and willing to forgive one another.  I truly don’t know of any other way to make a long term relationship work — practicing forgiveness is key.  There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness — that you have to ‘forget’ what happened to be able to forgive; that forgiveness means what happened really didn’t matter or hurt; or that what the person did ‘wasn’t that big of a deal’ — none of which are true.  Forgiveness is essentially “letting go” and not holding the offense against the person any longer.  Easy to say, but a process which can take a long time to enact. [A great book on this issue is The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes.]
• Learn (and then practice) the ways that your spouse experiences being loved.  For a long time (I mean 25 years or so) Kathy and I struggled.  She was frustrated with me, not feeling like I cared for or about her.  And I didn’t feel like she appreciated me.  Then we read Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, and began to understand that each of us experiences being loved differently.  Kathy’s ‘love language’ is having focused attention and quality time; mine is verbal praise.  Once we understood our differences, and have worked at loving each other in the languages important to us (it has taken me longer than Kathy), then our frustrations have diminished.  Although the concepts of this book are pretty simple and not ‘magic’, they helped us get over a barrier in our relationship.
• Work on your relationship.  “Working on your relationship”, to me, means — make your marriage a priority.  You have to spend time, invest mental and emotional energy, be willing to spend money on your relationship — and say “no” to other things (hobbies, work, other relationships, leisure activities, activities with or for the kids).  Although I rarely looked forward to a marriage seminar or retreat (being honest), I almost always felt like there was significant benefit from going.  And I get tired of reading books on marriage, but I continue to glean helpful concepts and hints to make me a better husband.  Anything that you want to be of good quality takes time and effort.
• Be committed to stay married even when it’s tough and you don’t like your spouse.  Sometimes I feel ‘commitment’ is overly emphasized in weddings and advice to young couples — to the point that it seems that the only thing needed to stay married is commitment (which I don’t believe is true).  But, if you ask most couples who have been married a long time, the rock bottom foundation of being committed to staying married, no matter how tough it gets, has been true for them.  And it is true for us.  We have had times where it seemed it would have been easier (and less painful) to just call it quits.  And there were times where we really didn’t like each other much, and didn’t enjoy our relationship.  But we were committed to make it work, and to this point we have been able to do so. [An ASIDE:  I clearly believe that there are circumstances when it probably doesn’t make sense and can be dangerous to stay in a relationship — when there is drug or alcohol abuse, or anger and abuse issues.  Being committed doesn’t mean you should be foolish.]
• Give up trying to change your spouse (the “if only …” game).  Part of the ability to keep together (and get past those really tough times) comes with the true acceptance of the other person for who they are.  And even if it would be good for them to change for certain habits or to “grow” in character (patience, perseverance, follow-through, impulse control, you name it) — accepting that they may never change reduces a lot of conflict.  And yes, life would be better “if only …”, but “if only …” may not happen and you certainly aren’t going to make it happen in their life for them.  So accept the reality that your spouse is a flawed individual and that it would be helpful if you learn to live with them the way they are.
• Miscellaneous parting thoughts.   There are lots more principles — that is why there are so many books on marriage.  But I want to get on with my day, so let me just finish with some additional short comments.

1. Be thankful — for your life, for your spouse, for your family.
   
2. Learn to enjoy activities that you can do together.  Do things with your spouse that they enjoy — go along with them just because they like it.
3. Live within your means.  Financial stress from overextending your lifestyle creates additional unnecessary stress that can undermine your relationship.
4. Realize life is hard.  Enjoy the good times and persevere through the difficult ones.

Have a great week.  And if you are fortunate enough to be married — give your spouse a big hug and kiss sometime today.

Part of my job as a psychologist is to observe — observe patterns of behavior, be attune to my own thoughts and feelings, and to derive some potentially helpful information form patterns I see. In recent months and weeks, I have observed some factors in life that really wear people down — they are not really hidden but are often subtle. Sometimes they are obvious and plain, but people (both the person experiencing the aspect of life as well as those around them) tend to minimize the impact of the issue on their life.

So let me share some of my observations (remember, psychologists are often ‘masters of the obvious’!)

• Health issues and Chronic pain. Individuals who struggle with chronic pain are well aware of how even persistent low levels of pain can wear a person down. But those of us who are blessed not to have this struggle can experience this intermittently. Not too long ago my right ankle started bothering me — it was sore and swollen after I ran (using the term “run” loosely). I ignored it for a while but it persisted, so I finally decided to go have it checked out. After seeing my doc and then getting some tests, it turns out I have partially torn a tendon in my ankle. What has amazed me, however, is how this small injury and relatively mild level of pain can take a toll of my energy.
• Financial stress. Obviously, many in our country are experiencing significant stress in their lives due to a number of economic factors — loss of their job, reduction of hours and pay, foreclosure on their home. And the impact of these events on people’s lives is huge. But many, many other Americans are experiencing a lower level of financial stress that is more under the surface — wondering if they will continue to have a job in the coming months; lower cash flow that leads to deficiencies in their plans to pay for childcare, private school or college; or the family budget just being tighter on a month to month basis.
• Loneliness or Lack of Emotional Support. A chronic complaint I hear from many people is that they don’t feel connected to anyone. Yes, they may be married and have children — and they may even have a decent marriage relationship. But most people need more than one person with whom to connect, feel cared for, and have a sense of community. Teenagers, single young adults, stay-at-home moms with preschoolers, successful business people, older adults — all talk to me about their frustration in building meaningful, lasting relationships with others in their lives.
• Significant Life Changes. Late summer is one of the most transient times of the year — children are going to new schools, young adults are entering or returning to college, individuals who work in educational settings are staring new positions, graduates from last spring are still to figure out where they are going to work and live. Parents of college freshman may experience sending their first child to college — or their last (our situation) and looking at the issues related to being “empty- nesters”. Life change can be stimulating and exciting, and at the same time anxiety-producing.
• Relational Conflicts. All of us who have experienced (or are experiencing) relational stress understand both the emotional and physical toll living in conflictual relationships take. Physical symptoms can include sleep disturbance, headaches, fatigue, upset stomach, or back and shoulder tension. Recently, I had a professional relationship that created tension and turmoil in my life — and it just wore me out. It wasn’t even a major conflict, but an issue that took a while to address, and I could sense its impact on me daily.
• Lack of Purpose or Direction. When people don’t know “where they are going”, or if they don’t see a larger purpose for their life and what they are doing, not only can they become discouraged, but they also seem to become fatigued emotionally. They just drag throughout the day, and run out of energy doing regular daily life tasks. Seeing how today relates to the “big picture” of life seems to be important.

So what should we do with these non-surprising observations? I think there are at least two practical action steps that flow from the points.

First, take a self-inventory. How many of these factors are in your life currently? Does their presence help make some sense of your recent lack of energy and tiredness? If so, acknowledge these stressors present in your life. Give yourself some slack. Regroup and assess what steps you need to take to either address the stressors or to manage your life better while they are present.

Secondly, be aware of those around you. See if the people in your life (family members, friends, co-workers, classmates) have these issues going on in their lives. Be gracious and supportive to them. Be a friend. Be patient with them if they aren’t “performing” up to their normal functioning (whether it’s at home, work or elsewhere).

Life is tough; sometimes more than other times. Hang in there. We are all in this together (we really are). If you are doing ok, help somebody else out.  It will be your turn eventually.

I like to learn from others who have been successful.  In our culture, some people look to successful business leaders; others look to athletes or entertainers.  I find some of the best advice from wise people from the past — from classic literature from previous civilizations and cultures.

Here are some thoughts from a king and writer of literature from about 3,000 years ago:

Wisdom in the most important thing; so get wisdom. If it costs everything you have, get understanding.  Treasure wisdom, and it will make you great; hold onto it, and it will bring you honor.”   He goes on to espouse the pre-eminence of acquiring wisdom, and that it will lead to virtually everything else good in life — wealth, influence, health, and peace.

So the question becomes — how does one become wise?  The author responds to this question:

Don’t follow the ways of the wicked; don’t do what evil people do.  Avoid their ways, and don’t follow them.  Stay away from them and keep on going, because they cannot sleep until they do evil.

The author then lays out the principles for obtaining wisdom:

1. Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life.
2. Don’t use your mouth to tell lies; don’t ever say things that are not true.
3. Keep your eyes focused on what is right, and look straight ahead to what is good.
4. Be careful what you do, and always do what is right.
5. Don’t turnoff the road of goodness; keep away from evil paths.

So to summarize, he encourages his readers to:

• manage their thoughts,
• watch what they say and speak with honesty,
• keep focused on the good
• act with integrity
• keep away from those who repeatedly make poor choices.

I find these thoughts interesting and applicable to our lives today because there are so many voices telling us what to do and how we should live.  Being past 50 years old and having had the opportunity to view different economic and political seasons, it has become more evident to me that living according to patterns of behavior that have been proven over long periods of time (decades, centuries) is wise.

Although some patterns (leveraging business ventures through credit, buying now and paying later for personal purchases) can work within a short time frame or certain conditions, living within one’s means, saving for the future, and taking preventative steps to manage potential risks seem to work well over the long term.  They are not as exciting, and also are not as potentially rewarding within the short term.

Some may say:  “Desperate times call for desperate measures” and this may be true.  But many desperate people have perished by making unwise decisions in their desperation.  I hope this does not become the case for our country.

I am not an economist (thankfully).  But economists, meteorologists (those who try to predict the weather), and psychologists are somewhat in the same situation — our ’sciences’ are not very “hard” — that is, they often are not solidly grounded in data and they lack power to predict.  For example, last night there was no prediction at all of any precipitation and we had a major rain and hailstorm in our area (up to baseball sized hail!).  Part of the problem for all three of these sciences is that there are numerous inter-related factors (many of which are still unknown) that need to be accounted for in trying to predict what will happen.

The point is — no one really has a good handle on the future of the U.S. (and global) economy.  Just turn on the TV or radio and you will hear numerous opinions on what is happening, and what needs to happen to make our economic situation improve.

But let’s take a look at the basics and this will give us some clues.  Economic activity, at its core, is the exchange of goods, services or information for monetary value.  Going back to some basic cause and effect relationships we can follow the following line of thought:

• People work and receive money for their services.
• When people don’t have jobs, they don’t make (as much) money.
• When people don’t have as much money and don’t see the opportunity for more money come in, they either don’t spend as much, or spend on credit.
• At some point, most people, when their income is reduced over a period of time, reach a limit of what they can buy on credit or realize it is not a wise pattern to continue.
• Eventually, people begin to “cut back” on non-essential spending (eating out, recreational activities) and also tend to slow down the process of replacing existing belongings (new technology, new clothes, furniture, cars).
• The lack of spending means businesses are selling less goods and services, receiving less income, and have to cut back expenses in their business, which includes labor.  Hence, they reduce employees’ hours or lay off employees.
• These people now have less money to spend.
• And thus, the negative spiral of an economic downturn continues.

The key question becomes: how does this negative cycle turn around?  This is where economics becomes largely theoretical, and an individual’s answer is related to their beliefs about economic activity and individuals’ behavior.  President Obama and others believe governmental intervention is necessary. Others believe letting the free market forces drive the process.  And obviously, there are combined approaches.

I believe that this is where understanding the psychology of our culture is important.  In actuality, as in economics, there are actually two fairly diverse sets of beliefs that exist is our culture.  And these belief systems drive different expectations and behaviors.

Cultural Belief System #1:

• I deserve “x”.  I have had “x” before, and I still want it. [Note: “x” can be a lot of things — money, a job, health care, free time, retirement benefits, a nice home, etc.]
• If you have “x” and I don’t, you should share at least some of your “x” with me.
• If I don’t have “x”, somebody should do something so that I can have it.
• The problem (of whatever causes me not to have “x”) lies in a greater system of rules, organizations, factors that I don’t have much control over.

Cultural Belief System #2:

• Life is what it is, including bad (or unfair) circumstances.
• Some of my life’s circumstances are directly related to my choices; some circumstances come from factors outside of my control.
• If I want the circumstances in my life to be different, it is largely up to me to figure out how to make that happen. There may be some larger system issues that may need to be changed, but I can’t depend on that happening.
• Making my life’s circumstances better may require me doing things I would prefer not to — work long hours, do work that I don’t enjoy; relocate; be away from my family for a while; live a simpler lifestyle than I am used to.
• I will do what I can to improve my circumstances, knowing there are no guarantees, and hope for the best.

And here we come to a critical factor that can impact a person’s future:  hope.  Psychologists believe that the loss of hope is a key component of depression.  A person can go through a lot of negative circumstances — and become discouraged, worn out or sad.  But when they lose hope that “things will get better”, that is when more serious depression develops.  They give up.

So here is what I predict, as a psychologist.

1. The economic recovery is going to take longer than what most Americans want.  This is due to the economic reality that the ultimate recovery is related to job creation and the resulting economic activity that occurs, and this appears to be a long-term issue.  And secondly, our culture is very present-oriented with little patience.  We want things “now”, and this is unlikely to occur.
2. There will be two groups of people that experience the economic downturn differently:

a)  There will be people who expect life to be “like it used to be”, and expect someone else to make that happen (largely, the government or maybe ‘big business’ or the wealthy.)  These people will become increasingly impatient, angry, and demanding of others.  Their focus will be on economic relief programs and governmental bailouts.

b) There will be a group of individuals who take steps in their lives to make the best of a bad situation, and who will ultimately (some, not all) find opportunities economically — to provide goods, services or information that others need and are willing to pay for.  Their life circumstances will probably be difficult for a period of time but they will “deal with it” and continue on.   There will be a portion of this group who will find significant economic success as a result of their efforts (there are always people who find ways to make money in difficult economic times.)

I think it may be a good time for each of us to ask ourselves:

• What do I believe about what is happening?
• Which group do I want to be a member of?