Unfortunately, when the issue of “character” is in the news today, the focus is usually on character failures — lack of integrity, marital unfaithfulness, greed and dishonesty. So to be able to talk about a man of good character is a privilege.

When thinking about the title of this entry, I was indecisive about whether it should be “To a Great Man of Character” or “To a Man of Great Character”. Obviously, I chose the latter — for two reasons. First, in the world’s eyes I don’t know if Spence Sawyer would be characterized as a “great man” — in the general terms of incredible success professionally or in terms of raw talent. Although he was talented in several areas and he was also quite successful in his profession, most who knew Spence focused on who he was as a person. So, the second reason I chose this title is because almost everyone who knew Spence would agree he was a man of “great character”. It was his character that impacted others, and most who knew him (including myself) found themselves wanting to emulate him.

Spence Sawyer died this week at the age of 78. He was born and raised in the suburbs of west Chicago and spent most of his adult life in this area, with a few years early in his professional life living in New Jersey while commuting to New York City. He was the father of seven children, whom he mentored and helped each obtain a private college education (no small feat financially, regardless of the era).

I want to highlight just a few of the character qualities that I first thought of when reflecting on Spence’s life:

Responsible. Responsibility was at the core of Spence’s being — shouldering the responsibility of leading his family and guiding his children, from childhood through adolescence and into their adult lives; taking responsibility to provide leadership in most of the organizations he was committed to (his church, his company [he worked for Illinois Bell and AT&T for forty years], the college he and many of his family members attended), and just in general daily life. If Spence saw something that needed to be done, he would make sure it got done.

Faithful. In his personal relationships, Spence was faithful to his wife, Ruth, of over 50 years, his children, grandchildren and his friends. Spence was “Mr. Reliable”. If he made a commitment, he kept it. You never had to wonder if he was going to show up; he was always there. He followed through on commitments made — in fact, you would never think of Spence not following through. He was rock solid. You wanted him on your team — and he was sought out by organizations because they knew he would help you achieve your goals.

Investing in others. I’m not sure of the best way to put this, or of a good singular term, but Spence gave his life in the service of others. He was not self-promoting. He did not seek positions of leadership — he was seen as a leader and asked to take leadership positions by those around him. After his retirement in the 90’s, he spent much of his time and energy meeting with others — teaching, mentoring, listening and encouraging. Interestingly, because of some early life experiences that impacted him significantly, Spence was reluctant to give advice to others — even when asked. But if you cornered him, you could get him to help you frame the problem and think through the issues you needed to consider. (The result of his investing in others will be seen next week at his memorial service where 800-900 people are expected to honor him and share in the celebration of his life.)

Laughter. From the previous descriptors, one might conclude that Spence was a stern, stodgy, “all work and no play” kind of guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Spence was one of the best story- and joke-tellers I have ever known, and he loved to laugh. In fact, one of my favorite memories is sitting with him at the kitchen table, having a bowl of ice cream and he would start telling some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. The problem was, he would start tearing up and laughing before he finished the joke — and you found yourself laughing and crying just because he was (and you weren’t exactly sure why)!

There are lots of other personal qualities that characterized Spence, some of which were so ingrained in who he was that you couldn’t think of him not exhibiting them (honesty, integrity, generosity). He was a man of deep spirituality who loved the God he served and who has left a legacy in the lives of those who knew him — that will endure for years to come. I know that I have been deeply impacted by his input into my life and I will miss him dearly. I had the privilege of knowing him for over 30 years, as the father of my wife. His leaving the life on this earth has caused me to seriously reflect on my life and my priorities.

I hope that I will also become a man of great character.

Character Development, Dads, Family, Fathers, Grandfathers, Integrity, Leadership, Legacy, Life Stages, Parenting Adult Children, Perseverance, Personal stories, relationships, Responsibilities, success, wisdom

Most of the work I do is with families — family-owned businesses, families who work together, families who have sold businesses and now manage the resulting assets together, and just plain families.  And in my everyday life I have the opportunity to interact with and observe families of all configurations.  Add my own personal life, of being a son, and the father of four adult children, and I have a fair amount of data to draw from.

Fathers and sons are interesting in how they relate.  Dads, especially when they are younger and are raising young children, seem to focus largely on providing for their families (a home in a safe environment, good schooling opportunities, and other life experiences which they value) and on character development.  Dads (and moms) tend to what to make sure their children are obedient, not whiners, tell the truth, are hard workers, and become responsible for themselves as they grow older.

When sons become older teens and young adults, the dynamic changes.  Since dads want their sons to become independent young adults (and the sons want this, too!), a tension is created — how to continue to give input and guidance into their sons’ lives while also respecting their independence and individuality.  And this is often a difficult balance to maintain.  I have seen men who totally “back off” out of their sons’ lives to the point that their sons have felt almost abandoned.  That usually wasn’t the father’s intent; they just didn’t want to be overly controlling with their sons.  But sometimes the sons would like more input from their dads (when they ask for it) and can get frustrated of not really being able to learn from their dad’s experience. (This sometimes happens when the father had an overly controlling father themselves and they don’t want to repeat the pattern with their children.)

An interesting fact to remember is that guys tend to build relationships by doing something together.   That is why they get together to watch sports (or go to sporting events together) and the variety of things that guys do — hunt, fish, shoot hoops, play video games, work on cars, go biking, work on a remodeling project together, and so forth.  Guys tend to talk while doing something else — as opposed to most women, who value getting together just to talk.

So a challenge for dads and their sons, as both get older and their lives become separate, is finding activities they still can (or want to) do together.  And this can be especially challenging if the father and son work together (because the son usually doesn’t want to “hang out” with dad after work.)

My relationship with my dad was largely built around working on projects together, especially on Saturday mornings.  I learned a lot of practical skills but it was also challenging because my mechanical skills are virtually negative, while my dad was a self-taught mechanical engineer and designer.   Since his death fourteen years ago, I have frequently missed the opportunity to call him up and ask his advice on various home projects or repairs I had to do.

Largely from his modeling, much of my time with my sons was also on working projects.  Ask my guys about “Saturday mornings” when they were growing up, and you may hear moans, see their eyes roll, and one of them will launch into what a slave driver I was (which is probably partially true).  I also enjoyed playing basketball, football or soccer with them, and going to their practices and games.  We still enjoy watching some sports together.

The difficulty with this approach is that it can become largely task-focused (getting the job done) or the sporting event doesn’t really allow for much significant conversation to occur.  Finding time to talk about important topics in life is still an area I find difficult.   Probably the most significant discussions occur when my kids come home for dinner and we have some to time to discuss deeper issues during and after the meal.

A key point (and one made by many authors of parenting books) is that sons (and daughters, too) really are looking for affirmation from their dads.  Kids (regardless of their age) want to know that their dad likes them — that he loves them, accepts them, and is proud of who they are becoming.

Most of us dads (myself included) are pretty lousy at communicating acceptance and affirmation of our kids.  We are so anxious about them “turning out bad” that we are constantly prodding them, pushing them, correcting them, and encouraging them to learn to make good choices, that the message our children receive is one of conditional acceptance.  I know this either is or has been an issue in my relationship with each of my children.  I personally find the tension of helping them develop the character qualities that are important to me, while at the same time demonstrating love, affection, affirmation and acceptance to be a difficult line to walk.

I am open to hearing your thoughts and input on building healthy relationships with sons, as you both move forward in your walks toward maturity.

business succession, Character Development, communication, Dads, Family, Family Business Issues, Fathers, Life Stages, parenting, Parenting Adult Children, relationships, work