In the past several weeks, I have had the opportunity to interact with a few large extended families — both at a personal and professional level. And I have been impressed with some common characteristics I observed across these families, whom I view to be relatively healthy and functional.

Given the bashing that extended families take in TV shows and movies, you wonder if every family is totally filled with people who can’t stand each other and have major conflicts at every gathering. But I can tell you from multiple experiences — this probably isn’t the case. Now, I am not saying that most multi-generational families function like the Waltons (for those of you under 30, I don’t have a more recent media example of a syrupy-sweet family). And, in fact, virtually every family has some major challenges relationally. But that really is the point — healthy families learn how to manage challenges without blowing themselves up.

Here are some qualities and behavior patterns I observed in these relatively healthy, multi-generational families:

Straightforward and honest communication. It is difficult to have good relationships with others when people don’t say what they really mean, when they lie about themselves and others, or if they use indirect forms of communication (talking about or “through” others). Being upfront and honest (without being brutal) is a good starting point.

Invest time with one another. Relationships require time together, and families who are healthy realize this. They make time to be together. Getting together with the extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) is rarely convenient. But if a family is going to stay together, they have to be together, at least occasionally.

Acceptance of differences. People are different, have you noticed? The challenge is that, usually, there are commonalities among family members — they look alike, they have many of the same talents and skills, and they often have similar interests and values. But within all families there are individual differences (sometimes this is a source of tension while the “different” one is growing up), and these become even more pronounced when siblings become adults, marry, and form their own family units. Wise families accept these differences, and seek to embrace and support those who have different perspectives, backgrounds, values and ways of living. If “different = wrong”, then this becomes a source for breaks in relationships and an overall defensiveness (”my way is right”). A lack of understanding and accepting those who are different from you is a major impediment for families continuing to relate together.

Not easily offended. It was interesting to observe that there were numerous situations in which an individual (or family group) could be offended by a comment or action by another. Generally speaking, this didn’t happen. Family members chose to “let it slide” and not make an issue of it. On the other hand, there are individuals who carry a chip on their shoulder, and can be offended by the slightest of (often unintentional) comments, actions or decisions. Routinely, they seemed to react by distancing themselves and cutting off the relationship.

Kindness and showing interest in others. An overwhelming theme was the high level of kindness displayed among family members — demonstrated largely by an interest in others. I personally experienced this with my wife’s family — they asked questions of me (or whoever they were talking to), seemed genuinely interested and listened to my responses, and were encouraging in their comments. In most interactions (across the different family groups I was with), there was very little demanding to be the center of attention and no observable pouting from individuals who didn’t feel that they weren’t getting the attention they felt they deserved.

So what do we do with these observations? Wish that we were part of these families? Maybe, but that really wouldn’t do any good.

I think the implications are twofold:

a) Strive to interact in a healthy manner with your family. Be a positive family member yourself. (It starts with being involved and communicating with family members.)

b) Encourage and instruct others to behave maturely. This is a touchy one. I don’t mean: criticize and berate others for not behaving well. I do mean instructing your children in the healthy ways of communicating, and possibly, giving gentle encouragement to others (with whom you have a decent relationship) who are struggling, to make good choices in their interactions with others.

Positive, supportive relationships with family can be achieved (to some degree, at least), if we each work on our own part. The alternatives seem to be: a) don’t relate to your family at all, or b) stew in negative interactions which no one enjoys and which will destroy whatever relationships exist.

It’s your choice.

Have a great week and enjoy those around you!

Unfortunately, when the issue of “character” is in the news today, the focus is usually on character failures — lack of integrity, marital unfaithfulness, greed and dishonesty. So to be able to talk about a man of good character is a privilege.

When thinking about the title of this entry, I was indecisive about whether it should be “To a Great Man of Character” or “To a Man of Great Character”. Obviously, I chose the latter — for two reasons. First, in the world’s eyes I don’t know if Spence Sawyer would be characterized as a “great man” — in the general terms of incredible success professionally or in terms of raw talent. Although he was talented in several areas and he was also quite successful in his profession, most who knew Spence focused on who he was as a person. So, the second reason I chose this title is because almost everyone who knew Spence would agree he was a man of “great character”. It was his character that impacted others, and most who knew him (including myself) found themselves wanting to emulate him.

Spence Sawyer died this week at the age of 78. He was born and raised in the suburbs of west Chicago and spent most of his adult life in this area, with a few years early in his professional life living in New Jersey while commuting to New York City. He was the father of seven children, whom he mentored and helped each obtain a private college education (no small feat financially, regardless of the era).

I want to highlight just a few of the character qualities that I first thought of when reflecting on Spence’s life:

Responsible. Responsibility was at the core of Spence’s being — shouldering the responsibility of leading his family and guiding his children, from childhood through adolescence and into their adult lives; taking responsibility to provide leadership in most of the organizations he was committed to (his church, his company [he worked for Illinois Bell and AT&T for forty years], the college he and many of his family members attended), and just in general daily life. If Spence saw something that needed to be done, he would make sure it got done.

Faithful. In his personal relationships, Spence was faithful to his wife, Ruth, of over 50 years, his children, grandchildren and his friends. Spence was “Mr. Reliable”. If he made a commitment, he kept it. You never had to wonder if he was going to show up; he was always there. He followed through on commitments made — in fact, you would never think of Spence not following through. He was rock solid. You wanted him on your team — and he was sought out by organizations because they knew he would help you achieve your goals.

Investing in others. I’m not sure of the best way to put this, or of a good singular term, but Spence gave his life in the service of others. He was not self-promoting. He did not seek positions of leadership — he was seen as a leader and asked to take leadership positions by those around him. After his retirement in the 90’s, he spent much of his time and energy meeting with others — teaching, mentoring, listening and encouraging. Interestingly, because of some early life experiences that impacted him significantly, Spence was reluctant to give advice to others — even when asked. But if you cornered him, you could get him to help you frame the problem and think through the issues you needed to consider. (The result of his investing in others will be seen next week at his memorial service where 800-900 people are expected to honor him and share in the celebration of his life.)

Laughter. From the previous descriptors, one might conclude that Spence was a stern, stodgy, “all work and no play” kind of guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Spence was one of the best story- and joke-tellers I have ever known, and he loved to laugh. In fact, one of my favorite memories is sitting with him at the kitchen table, having a bowl of ice cream and he would start telling some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. The problem was, he would start tearing up and laughing before he finished the joke — and you found yourself laughing and crying just because he was (and you weren’t exactly sure why)!

There are lots of other personal qualities that characterized Spence, some of which were so ingrained in who he was that you couldn’t think of him not exhibiting them (honesty, integrity, generosity). He was a man of deep spirituality who loved the God he served and who has left a legacy in the lives of those who knew him — that will endure for years to come. I know that I have been deeply impacted by his input into my life and I will miss him dearly. I had the privilege of knowing him for over 30 years, as the father of my wife. His leaving the life on this earth has caused me to seriously reflect on my life and my priorities.

I hope that I will also become a man of great character.

I started reading a good book this week — A Game Plan for Life: The Power of Mentoring by John Wooden and Don Yaeger.  It was recommended to me by a good friend, and I always try to pass on worthwhile reading to others.

The first part of the book covers the seven mentors that influenced Coach Wooden (for those of you who don’t know, he was one of the most successful college basketball coaches of all time, at UCLA). In discussing different types of mentors (professional, personal, spiritual, etc.), he makes a fascinating point:

• “I know that my life has been blessed with incredible opportunities, and as a result, I have a responsibility to reach out to others to share the insights, experiences, heartbreaks, exhilaration — all the lessons I’ve managed to accrue through the nearly one hundred years that God has given me on this planet… Knowledge is nothing unless it is shared.  I know that knowledge for knowledge’s sake is a wonderful ideal, but in reality, it is the transmission of understanding that is the very basis of civilization.” (p.7).

As I work with multi-generational families and family-owned businesses, one of the core principles we emphasize is the process of transferring knowledge, intellectual capital, and life experiences from the senior generations to their children and grandchildren. It is not an easy process — I think it is one of those “important but not urgent” activities that Stephen Covey emphasizes.  Part of my role as a family coach is to help structure activities and processes to help make the transfer happen.
And as we come upon the Thanksgiving holiday, I tend to think about how to best use our time together as a family.  What traditions do we want to keep doing?  Which traditions really aren’t that important or have lost their meaning?  What conversations do I want to have with my adult children when they are home?  What information or life experiences do I want to share with them?

Here are seven “lessons for life” that John Wooden’s father shared with him on a card given at his high school graduation:

1. Be true to yourself.
2. Make each day your masterpiece.
3. Help others.
4. Drink deeply from good books.
5. Make friendship a fine art.
6. Build a shelter against a rainy day.
7. Pray for guidance and give thanks for your blessings every day. (p.13)

Think about those who have impacted your life and the lessons you learned from them — both from direct instruction and from their modeling.

And then think about what you want to pass on to those who are important to you.  Maybe take some time and share a life experience with someone younger: “You know, I was thinking about … and a lesson I learned. . . . “

Have a great week.

Often, when talking to senior generation members within a family, we discuss how to transfer one’s values to the next generations.  Sometimes we are talking with parents in their 30’s, 40’s and early 50’s who are still raising their children and teenagers at home.  Other times we are talking to 50-60 year olds with young adult children out of the home.  And many times we are talking to older adults, from mid-60’s to 80’s who have the opportunity to impact their grandchildren’s lives.

Many times the term “mentoring” is used — the process of teaching and modeling various life principles in relationship to a younger family member.  Typically, I find that, although grandparents and parents of adult children want to mentor the next generations, most of the time that don’t really know what that looks like practically.  [In fact, part of the coaching I do with families is to help the senior generation explore this issue, develop a specific plan for mentoring their grandchildren, and help bring resources and structure to the process.]

As a parent of four older “children” (17 to 25 years old), I have had plenty of opportunities to make mistakes in the parenting process (my children would be glad to give some examples!)  And, as I look back over my life, I can see ways that I tried to teach or train various skills and character qualities that didn’t work so well (and I see other parents repeating my mistakes).

One basic mistake is to primarily drag them along with what I am doing and try to teach during this experience.  I say “primarily” because I do think there are times when children / grandchildren can (and should) “tag along”, and they can learn during this process.  This can include running errands, going shopping, working in the yard, doing projects around the house, helping someone else out, going with their parents to meetings or events of interest to the parent.  However, if this is the primary modality of teaching, I think the young person will lose interest, resent coming along, and eventually “shut down” relationally.

Generally speaking, I think it is far better to find ways to “enter into” your child’s or grandchild’s life — come along side and find a way to participate in what they enjoy and are interested in.

I see this even with really young children - two to five year olds.  Many times parents [read: dad’s] and grandparents want to “play with” the young child — but the adult wants to structure the activity in a way they think is best, or try to get the child to do something the adult thinks is a “good” educational activity (or something that will be “good for them”) rather than just getting on the floor and playing what the child wants to in the way the child wants to.  And then everyone gets frustrated when the child won’t do it the way the adult wants, or loses interest.

This occurs in school-aged children, and clearly with teens.  One way many dads try to “enter in” is by coaching the student’s sports team.  And that can be a really great way to experience life together — but it can also be a disaster if the parent becomes more focused on success / winning / achievement than on being together in the experience.

One approach we have had to parenting is to try to do fun things with our kids and invite their friends to come along — that way we get to know their friends, we get to observe how our kids interact and treat their friends, and we can have more input on what’s happening.  We had the opportunity to take kids waterskiing, have them to our place for bonfires or playing “Capture the Flag”.  And I happen to be known in our school circles as the dad who takes his teens out to “T.P.” or “fork” their friends (or teacher’s) homes.

The past few weeks I had the unique opportunity to participate in a high school musical production with my daughter, Lizz, who had a lead role.  Being in musicals is one of her favorite activities (and I had done some in high school and colllege), and when the director mentioned they needed an adult male for a cameo part, I thought it could be a neat way to “enter into” that part of her life for a while.  And it was.  I got to know a number of her friends better.  She and I had a shared life experience — including the anxieties of learning our lines, the joys and laughter during rehearsals, the spontaneous things that happen — and that you can only experience by “being there”, and the satisfaction of a performance well done.
Doing activities with your children and grandchildren is extremely rewarding — but is also costly — it takes time and you have to give up other activities or priorities in your life (remember, you can’t do everything).  But I think most parents and grandparents who make the investment, believe it was well worth it — we’ll have to wait to ask the kids and grandkids to see how it impacted them.

So, next time you are thinking about character development and training for the next generations in your family, I would encourage you to ask yourself:

How can I enter into what they are doing or interested in and have an impact by coming along side them?

On this Father’s Day, I thought I would reflect some on the lessons I learned from my grandfathers.

My Grandpa White was the only child in his family and his father died when my grandpa was 16 years old. As a result, he became in charge of the small family farm and the “man of the house” at that young age. I heard stories growing up how my grandfather was a creative problem-solver. For example, he set up a water supply system from the spring on the farm to a storage tank in the farmhouse. He also was frugal, but figured out how to get what the family needed with the limited money they had — he would buy slightly damaged apples at the general store (and cut out the bad spots) for a significant discount.

My Grandpa White lived closed by our home and I spent a fair amount of time with him while growing up (I was the youngest grandchild, however, and he died when I was in high school). Some of things I remember about him and the lessons I learned from observing him:

• Make do with what you have. My grandfather, like most who lived through the Depression, saved all kinds of things (but not obsessively so) — nuts, bolts, pieces of wire, scraps of wood — which he then would creatively use to fix or make needed items. The related lesson was to keep using what you have (by maintaining and fixing it) in contrast to buying a new one.
• Enjoy the simple things of life. I have vivid memories of my grandpa smiling and enjoying a ripe piece of watermelon on a Saturday evening in the backyard, or shaking his head in pleasure, saying, “Mmmm, mmm” when eating homemade vanilla ice cream.
• Do the job right. My grandfather had a reputation of building things to last. I remember some wooden benches he built to use at a picnic bench at our family’s lake cabin — and he used heavy pressure treated rough-sawn 2×12’s with mammoth 16d galvinized nails. They were so heavy, you let somebody else move them!
• Do what is right and don’t complain when others don’t. My grandfather had the reputation in our community of quietly doing the right thing, serving others, and not drawing attention to himself. Similarly, there were a number of external circumstances which occurred in his life that created significant challenges for his family — like the government buying the family farm during WWII for far less than it was worth (the farm was next to a new ammunition plant). But I never heard him complain or tell stories with a tone of bitterness.

My Grandfather Tripkos (my mom’s father; his father immigrated from Czechoslovakia in the late 1800’s) was also a farmer, in the “bottom lands” next to the Kansas River. Although I was not as close my Grandpa Trikpos, he also taught me life lessons through his example:

• Enjoy life. My Grandpa had an infectious laugh. He was smiling constantly. He was always telling or making jokes. And he loved to laugh at others’ jokes. He was just plain fun to be around.
• Make time for family. My family lived 20 minutes from most of the Tripkos side of the family (grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins). But we frequently visited them (Saturday evenings, Sunday afternoons) and my Grandpa was in our home often, usually for meals. He often drove down for Sunday meals and was always there for major holidays. And I specifically remember pitching in a Little League All-Star game with grandpa there in the stands.

None of the lessons mentioned above are earth shaking — sort of like my grandfathers. They were solid men, not spectacular. They were faithful husbands and fathers for decades. They worked hard, provided for their families in spite of extraordinary life challenges (my Grandpa Tripkos’ farm and home were flooded during a major flood in 1951 — the family lost the home). But if I can live, and help my children live, with these lessons in our lives, that would be pretty good — solid, acceptable, just like the lessons themselves.