OK, first things first.  I am a busy person.  Currently, too busy.  (I am writing this as I sit on a plane flying to Chicago for a business meeting.)  So this is one of those entries where I call on the “psychologist’s privilege” of being able to expound on principles that I do not have implemented in my life yet.  The principles are true.  I’m just not consistently applying them.  (Ask my wife)

Busyness and the holidays seem to go hand-in-hand.  There is the “normal” busyness of life - work, family, home responsibilities, extended family, friends, leisure activities, and community involvement.  Then we add another layer of activities for the six weeks or so from Thanksgiving thru the New Year’s.

What is “busyness”, really?  How does it differ from just being active or doing things?

Lets look at some of the characteristics that seem to accompany a sense of being busy, and I think that will give us some insight. 

Busyness seems to go with:

• Feeling Rushed
• Having a lot to do in a short period of time.
• A general sense of pressure, even compression.
• Tenseness.
• Irritability (more for some than others).
• Things to do.
• Places to go.
• People to meet (to finish the phrase).
• Short time frames.  Activites scheduled in close succession.
• Being late (or worrying about being late).

Sounds like a fun way to live, doesn’t it?  So why do we do it ourselves?  Why (and how) do we let ourselves become so busy, even frantic, during this time of year?

I think there are 3 basic factors that lead to our busyness.

1. Opportunities. Lots of them.  There are a lot of extra things going on during the Christmas season.  School Christmas concerts.  Work-related Christmas parties.  Christmas shopping.  Kids’ basketball, volleyball, hockey, and indoor practices and games.  Extra choir practices.  Christmas pageants at church.  Ski trips and Christmas vacations.  Watching traditional Christmas movies.  Visiting relatives (both sides).  So, bottom line, there are more activities to do.
2. Expectations.  There are two primary sets of expectations: a) our own (for ourselves), and b) others’ (for us).  Both sets seem to crank up during this time of year.  As I have stated in the past, the easiest way to track expectations is through the “should’s” we hear (either in our head, or out of the mouths of others.)  “I really should go to…” or “You can’t miss…”  Expectations, generally speaking, are neither good nor bad; right nor wrong.  But some of them really are not reality-bsed - you really can’t do everything.  So you have to make choices.  The problem is: some choices lead to not meeting someone’s expectations.
3. The Experience(s) of Not Meeting Expectations.  When we don’t meet the expectations of others’, there is the risk of them having a negative reaction: hurt, disappointment, frustration, anger. [Note: they don’t have to react in those ways.  They have a choice.  They could also respond with graciousness, understanding and acceptance.]  When we don’t meet our own expectations, we tend to feel guilty, worry about “what others will think”, and sometimes beat ourselves up mentally.

Since most of us don’t like either of these experiences (others reacting negatively to us not meeting their expectations, and being hard on ourselves), we make the other choice - we try to do as much as we can to meet everyone’s (at least perceived) expections.  The result?  Busyness.

The Antidotes to Busyness.

So, is there any solution?  Or are we doomed to live frantic lives for the last six weeks of every calendar year?

I don’t think we are going to seriously reduce the number of possible activities available during this time of year, so give that option up.

One option comes from the disciple of management.  When a person or organization has limited resources, they have to prioritize. Anyone who has been in “tight” financial circumstances knows that difficult choices have to be made.  You can’t buy or do this.  We will pay this bill first and this other bill next week.  The same is true for our time and energy - when there is more to do than we have time or energy, we have to prioritize.  We pick those activities (hopefully) which are most important to us (based on our values), and decide we can’t do others.

The concept of margin also seems applicable.  Our busyness transforms into frantic and blood-pressure raising stress when we leave no margin for errror in our scheduling and planning.  When we plan to go to three Christmas parties on one Friday night, from 7 to 8:15 p.m. (30 minutes travel); 8:45 to 10 p.m. (30 minutes travel) and then 10:30 to midnight (this is obviously the schedule of a younger person!), most likely we are setting ourselves up for a stressful evening, if we really expect to keep that timeframe.  Most of us need to leave more room in our schedules for unexpected traffic, not being able to find the presents at the store as quickly as we thought, etc.

The idea of giving up comes to mind.  (I bet that phrase caught some of your attention.)  Not “giving up” in totality.  but giving up some of our expectations.  For some of us who are really social, the thought of missing a party is close to the pain of a kidney stone.  But, at some point, we need to say: “It’s not worth it.”  The busyness, the stress, the resulting irritability, the tension in my relationship with my family outweighs the fun I may have at going to three Christmas parties this weekend.  We may also need to give up some of our expectations for others - it is okay if they can’t make it to Susie’s Christmas concert (even though she has a one line solo in one song); our friendship won’t end if they can’t make it to my party; the world won’t come to an end if we open Christmas presents with the grandchildren the week after Christmas.

Finally,  pause and enjoy the moment. Instead of rushing from store to store in panic, take a minute and enjoy the cool winter sunshine, listen to the high school choir singing in the mall, stop and enjoy a glass of hot cider.  One of my biggest challenges is the tendency to be thinking ahead to the next event or activity and not fully enjoy the one I am currently attending.  When you are at a party, stop looking around to see who is there, and focus on the person you are talking to right now.  Enjoy them.  Listen to their story and laugh together.

Ok, so I have now lectured myself in addition to writing this to you.  I promise to work on these antidotes in the coming weeks (I have to start now by saying no to some of the opportunities I have before me). How about you?

Major (repeated) upheaval in the financial markets.  Hurricane Ike.  Flooding across the Midwest.  Concerns about who will be elected President (from both sides). Bombings in Pakistan.  Political turmoil in Bolivia and Venezuela.  The negative, worry-producing news keeps coming.

What’s a person to do?  Ignore it?  Stress out?  Drink more? (I heard a news report that beer and wine sales are up significantly in the last 6 months.)

Previously, I have written about the role of thankfulness and gratitude in helping us live more contentedly. Rather than pontificate on the subject further, I thought I would share the things in my life that I am thankful for — and then encourage you to make your own list.

I love:

Sunny, warm fall days with clear blue skies.  Cool fall evenings with the stars out.   The contrast of the sky blue with the late summer dark green grass and leaves.  Going to high school football games with friends on Friday nights.  The pagentry of college football games on Saturday afternoons with all the colors, sounds of the marching bands, and faint smells in the outdoor air.  Sitting around bonfires with young people and old friends.  Teaching others how to split wood and build a fire.

Fresh, perfectly ripened fruit — blueberries, blackberries, red (and black, when I can get them) raspberries, wonderful golden juicy peaches, slightly tart and crisp apples, sweet juicy grapes, cool watermelon on a hot day, sloppy mangoes (that’s how I am when I eat them), refreshing pineapple, cantalope that freshens your mouth when you eat it at breakfast, zingy pink grapefruit, fresh limes in limeade, there’s probably more.

I also love sounds: Cicadas in the woods.  The rhythmic buzz of grasshoppers, crickets & other insects when walking through a field of prairie. The breaking of waves on the beach.  Rolling thunder in the distance at night.  The wind in the trees (especially cottonwoods and eucalyptus).  The unique swoosh of the wind moving through the needles of pine trees in the mountains.  Children’s laughter when they are playing and running.  Music of all kinds — soothing classical orchestral music, energizing classic rock from the 70’s, foot-tapping quick paced bluegrass, the angelic sound of a women’s choir, the rousing fullness of a strong men’s choir, and the wonder of a talented musician playing a solo on their instrument.

I could go on.  But you get the idea.  Think of your senses — what do you enjoy the feel of? the sound of? the taste of? being able to see? what aromas bring you pleasure?

And while I’m am thinking about it — I am thankful for eyeglasses, for hot showers, for cool refreshing drinks with ice, for clean water, for quality medical treatment, for pain medication, sleeping in a comfortable bed with no bugs, being able to walk and run, for my wife and kids, for my friends.   Life is good.

Now it’s your turn.  What is good in your life?

Although I am a psychologist who has published research myself, and reviews and uses research findings in my everyday work, those of you who have known me for a while also know I have a bit of a skeptical (and sometimes cynical) view of claims made by researchers (and even more so, claims reported in the mainstream media). Part of my skepticism is based on experience of seeing research questions, designs and results skewed by the researchers’ a priori biases (i.e. the beliefs they held prior to the research, which affected how they looked at the problem). And part of my cynicism is based on the stupid things that we sometimes research — like the research psychiatrists did over a ten year span to determine that infants have different temperaments. Psychologists, psychiatrists and other social scientists seem to “shine” more than others in the area of stupid research.

Having said all of that, I now can report that psychologists have verified what many of our parents told us when we were kids and teenagers — that “work is good for you“. Or, alternative expressions included: “It will be good for you to get out there and sweat for a while.” “Idle hands are the devil’s tool.” Or, “Work never hurt anyone.”

So, if you (or your kids and grandkids) come from the worldview that having research to back up your beliefs gives you more credibility, you can now say with confidence: “Research has shown that work is good for you — emotionally and for your overall psychological well-being.” People who work tend to be more emotionally healthy and they find more satisfaction in their lives.

Additionally, we know that the most important aspects of work-life to manage are the transitions — from student-life to work, from job to job, from work to nonwork (being laid off, staying home with children, retirement) and from nonwork to work (reentering the workforce after being out for a while).

Do we need research to tell us these points? Probably not. But I thought I’d share them with you. If you want more specifics, see the May-June 2008 edition of the American Psychologist.

Have a great week. And for those of us who are fortunate enough to have the privilege of working, be happy and remember that working this week will be good for your mental health.

Many of you may not know that I was born and raised in Lawrence, Kansas — where the University of Kansas is located. As a result, I grew up going to KU football and basketball games with my dad. And I continue to be a devoted Jayhawk (their mascot) fan.

So if you happen to follow college basketball, you know that we are in the midst of “March Madness” and the NCAA championship tournament. This weekend and Monday, April 7, are the final games in San Antonio. And it so happens that the University of Kansas basketball team will be playing in the championship game on Monday night, after winning their game on Saturday night against North Carolina. We watched the game with some friends and had a great time celebrating the win.

Interestingly, at the same time I am enjoying the KU basketball team winning games, I am also reading a fascinating book called Thrilled to Death: How the endless pursuit of pleasure is leaving us numb by Archibald Hart. I have read other books by Dr. Hart and have appreciated his insights. One of his premises in this book is that we are intensely seeking pleasurable experiences in our culture — to the point of burning out the “pleasure center” of our brain and eventually making it increasingly difficult for us to experience the pleasure we desire.

Dr. Hart then goes on to differentiate between happiness (or life satisfaction) and pleasure. He states, “Happiness does not depend on glitzy, pleasure-filled experiences. It comes more from a feeling of deep contentment or the appreciation of the finer things in your life. . . True happiness is more enduring than pleasure.” He goes on to share that happiness seems to be more related to relationships — a good marriage, close friends, and lots of time socializing with others.

So, how does this relate to basketball and KU playing in the NCAA Championship game? Well, I have often been dissatisfied with the tournament experience. Although it does provide a clear champion from the playoff tournament (as opposed to the college football system which does not), I have often felt a general distaste for the result — or at least the way the media and many people talk about the results — that there is only one “winner” (the champion). So, no matter how many games a team won throughout the season, no matter how well they played in spite of adversity, there is a message that they didn’t succeed enough because they didn’t “win it all”.

This just doesn’t sit right with me, when reflecting on how life really is. Are you only successful when you are at the top of the competition, with no one above you? And given the short time frame (one year maximum), you are only the champion for a short period of time (it is shorter in business.)

The personal application is this. I am enjoying the ride. It was fun to see KU win their league championship, and then the tournament games. Saturday night was a total hoot and I am still relishing the memory of seeing them play well. But if they lose Monday night, they aren’t “losers” — and my life won’t be wrecked. (This is not a ploy to play down expectations - they very well may win.) But for many people, and for myself in past years, “winning it all” is the only result that will result in happiness — which may speak to why so many people in our country are unhappy. If you have to be the best, if everything has to go your way for you to be happy, you will be unhappy most of your life.

Let’s go back to Dr. Hart and Thrilled to Death. He gives a number of suggestions which he calls “happiness boosters”. Let’s look at them and see how they really relate to deeper aspects of our lives than just temporary circumstances.

1. Intentionally do something unselfish for someone else every day.

2. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and quickly forgive yourself.

3. Give up expecting others to be perfect – just accept them as they are.

4. Whenever anyone offends, you forgive him or her without delay.

5. Try to simplify your life – do a make over from top to bottom.

6. Make sure you get enough sleep and exercise every day.

7. Spend as much time as you possibly can with those you love.

8. Spend twenty minutes each day in quiet reflection or meditation.

9. Each day, take a few minutes to write down all that worries you –and then cross out the ones you have no control over.

10. Every night before going to sleep, remind yourself of five things you are grateful for.

Clearly, these are not the typical highly pleasurable activities usually focused upon in our stimulation-seeking culture. But, as Dr. Hart argues, these are the types of activities that bring the deeper, longer lasting pleasure associated with true happiness.

So, if you watch the KU-Memphis game on Monday night, think of me. And when you go to bed, regardless of who wins, think of those five things for which you are grateful.

Emotional intelligence, Feelings, Happiness, KU basketball, NCAA 2008 mens basketball tournament, Optimism, personal development, Positive psychology, Stress management