I have been reflecting on the role of quiet (or the lack of it) in our lives — from two different perspectives.

Quiet in our daily life environments. I’m not sure we are aware of how much noise we live with. Not just the ambient noise around us — the air conditioner or heating fan, the hum of the refrigerator, traffic sounds, sirens, the announcements or music at airports, the TV at restaurants, people’s conversations around us — but also the ‘noise’ we bring into our lives.

I can be particularly bad about this — turning on the radio and listening to news while getting dressed; listening to more “news” while driving; having music on while cooking dinner; turning on the TV while doing some paperwork or light housework (the last example is hypothetical, not based in reality). Now, obviously none of these sources of information or entertainment has anything wrong with them but the real issue is a lack of quiet, mental space in our lives.

Why is this important? Because “quiet” gives us the opportunity to think and reflect. Mental space is the “garden” for creativity — we need uncluttered space and time to think new thoughts. Maybe this is why many of us enjoy taking walks in nature — the combination of the natural beauty plus the relative quiet provides an environment for reflection.

Quiet in conversations. I spend a fair amount of my time with people, including groups of people. And I am often amazed at how some people talk, and continue to talk, past the time they have much to say of importance. Conversely, there are many people who are thoughtful, observant and have valuable contributions — but they tend to not say a lot and often need to be drawn out.

When I went to college, a young adult friend of mine gave me some counsel before I left home. He (lovingly) told me I had the propensity to try to impress people, often by talking and drawing attention to myself. He suggested I just sit back, be quiet, and observe others — and then eventually engage in the conversations. So, for a period in my life, I became a self-induced introvert. And I learned quite a bit — how others (whom I was a lot like) really made fools of themselves by their constant chattering and dramatic interactions. This experience was really beneficial to me (I hope!) in allowing me to see how I sometimes came across to others, and gave me the opportunity to make different choices in my interactions with others.

I don’t need to say much else. I think the implications are fairly obvious. Take some time in the next couple of days and reflect on “quiet” in your life. Would you like your daily life to be a bit different in these areas?

We usually think of opposites in terms of a simple, “either-or” relationship — such as light and darkness, large and small, heavy and light.  And these opposites exist on a single continuum, with the opposing characteristics being on the ends of the spectrum.

But there are some relationships which are more complex, where there is more than one characteristic that can be opposite of another.  For example, in comparing a “good meal” with a bad one, there are different factors that can lead to that judgment.  The quality of the basic ingredients, the correct amount of the ingredients, combining the ingredients in the proper order and utilizing the appropriate process, the degree and duration of cooking, the temperature of the food when presented, and the combination of the various dishes prepared — all lead to the combined quality of the meal.  So a meal can be unsatisfactory because the food is too salty, the meat was overcooked and tough, the vegetables are room temperature, the baker used baking soda instead of baking powder, or you don’t especially like a spicy green salsa on your cranberry apple salad.

Similarly, it seems that there is more than one “opposite” of being thankful.  In fact, if you think of the term “opposite” being rooted in the meaning of “opposing”, the issue becomes more clear.

So, as we approach the Thanksgiving holiday, instead of the traditional approach of thinking about those things for which we are thankful (we is generally a good exercise to do), let’s look at those characteristics and attitudes which get in the way of being thankful.

• Apathy.  An “I don’t care” attitude reflects a lack of appreciation for one’s present circumstances.  Someone who is passive, has little interest or motivation in the current situation, really doesn’t understand how bad things could actually be.  (I believe apathy reflects a deeper sense of self-focus where the individual becomes passive when they can’t do what they want to.)
• Entitlement. When individuals come to believe that they deserve x, y, or z, then having that item or being able to do what they believe is their right becomes a baseline expectation for life.  And when we believe we have a right to something, we generally are not that thankful when we get it.
• Impatience.  When we are impatient (and usually, also irritable) in our current life circumstance, it follows that we are not really very thankful for the situation we find ourselves in.  Usually, we are quite focused on a very narrow aspect of the situation (being stuck in traffic and late to a meeting or event) and fail to see the positives of the broader context (having a car to travel in, living in a safe country).
• Envy.  Focusing on what others have that we don’t, or characteristics of their lives we wish were true for us lead us away from being thankful what we have and our current life circumstances. (Remember, there are 3 billion people who go to bed hungry every night.)
• Anger.  When we become angry, we essentially are saying (to ourselves and others) — “This should have (or shouldn’t have) happened ..”.  And when our expectations aren’t met, we become angry about it.  It seems to be pretty difficult to be thankful and angry at the same time, I think (try it!).
• Greed.  Have you ever been around a child who always wants more?  More toys.  More fun.  More food (to the point of excess).  They rarely seem to be thankful for what they just received or experienced, but rather quickly move on to “What’s next?”  As adults, we may have just completed a pleasurable experience, and are already looking on to the next fun thing to do.  Greed and gratefulness don’t co-exist.
• Worry. This is an interesting juxtaposition to thankfulness.  Worry and anxiety have to do with the future — x, y or z may happen; or “if Q happens, then …[some bad thing] will occur.”  It’s hard to be grateful and enjoy life when you are around someone who is anxious and worrisome.  Almost by definition, they are so focused on a possible future event, they cannot enjoy the present.

I am sure there are other characteristics and attitudes that interfere with, and oppose, being thankful. Some of the ones identified above create a sense of embarrassment for me, because they are too often true in my own daily life.  (Sorry about that to those of you who live closely with me.)

If you wouldn’t mind, take a moment and review the list.  Go slow and think about periods when you have struggled with these attitudes.  Think of specific times and circumstances. And when you are ready, choose to move on.  Resolve to battle these ways of thinking when they come up.
For some reason, there are always a few foundational things that I find myself repeatedly thankful for.  And I’d like to share some of them with you.  Those of you who have lived in more difficult times and places, or who have traveled in poorer countries, can probably identify with these relatively simple items:

• a hot shower
• a glass of clean, refreshing ice water
• air conditioning
• fresh fruit
• a warm house or a warm place to work
• a family member or friend who loves you
• pain relievers and medication
• money to be able to take care of an unexpected expense
• warm sunshine or a cool breeze
• no bugs biting me while I am in bed
• clean, dry clothes
• a variety of food to eat

I’ll stop there (although I’d love to keep going).

I hope you have a tremendous time with family and friends this coming week.  Be sure to them how much you appreciate how they have enriched your life!

Part of my job as a psychologist is to observe — observe patterns of behavior, be attune to my own thoughts and feelings, and to derive some potentially helpful information form patterns I see. In recent months and weeks, I have observed some factors in life that really wear people down — they are not really hidden but are often subtle. Sometimes they are obvious and plain, but people (both the person experiencing the aspect of life as well as those around them) tend to minimize the impact of the issue on their life.

So let me share some of my observations (remember, psychologists are often ‘masters of the obvious’!)

• Health issues and Chronic pain. Individuals who struggle with chronic pain are well aware of how even persistent low levels of pain can wear a person down. But those of us who are blessed not to have this struggle can experience this intermittently. Not too long ago my right ankle started bothering me — it was sore and swollen after I ran (using the term “run” loosely). I ignored it for a while but it persisted, so I finally decided to go have it checked out. After seeing my doc and then getting some tests, it turns out I have partially torn a tendon in my ankle. What has amazed me, however, is how this small injury and relatively mild level of pain can take a toll of my energy.
• Financial stress. Obviously, many in our country are experiencing significant stress in their lives due to a number of economic factors — loss of their job, reduction of hours and pay, foreclosure on their home. And the impact of these events on people’s lives is huge. But many, many other Americans are experiencing a lower level of financial stress that is more under the surface — wondering if they will continue to have a job in the coming months; lower cash flow that leads to deficiencies in their plans to pay for childcare, private school or college; or the family budget just being tighter on a month to month basis.
• Loneliness or Lack of Emotional Support. A chronic complaint I hear from many people is that they don’t feel connected to anyone. Yes, they may be married and have children — and they may even have a decent marriage relationship. But most people need more than one person with whom to connect, feel cared for, and have a sense of community. Teenagers, single young adults, stay-at-home moms with preschoolers, successful business people, older adults — all talk to me about their frustration in building meaningful, lasting relationships with others in their lives.
• Significant Life Changes. Late summer is one of the most transient times of the year — children are going to new schools, young adults are entering or returning to college, individuals who work in educational settings are staring new positions, graduates from last spring are still to figure out where they are going to work and live. Parents of college freshman may experience sending their first child to college — or their last (our situation) and looking at the issues related to being “empty- nesters”. Life change can be stimulating and exciting, and at the same time anxiety-producing.
• Relational Conflicts. All of us who have experienced (or are experiencing) relational stress understand both the emotional and physical toll living in conflictual relationships take. Physical symptoms can include sleep disturbance, headaches, fatigue, upset stomach, or back and shoulder tension. Recently, I had a professional relationship that created tension and turmoil in my life — and it just wore me out. It wasn’t even a major conflict, but an issue that took a while to address, and I could sense its impact on me daily.
• Lack of Purpose or Direction. When people don’t know “where they are going”, or if they don’t see a larger purpose for their life and what they are doing, not only can they become discouraged, but they also seem to become fatigued emotionally. They just drag throughout the day, and run out of energy doing regular daily life tasks. Seeing how today relates to the “big picture” of life seems to be important.

So what should we do with these non-surprising observations? I think there are at least two practical action steps that flow from the points.

First, take a self-inventory. How many of these factors are in your life currently? Does their presence help make some sense of your recent lack of energy and tiredness? If so, acknowledge these stressors present in your life. Give yourself some slack. Regroup and assess what steps you need to take to either address the stressors or to manage your life better while they are present.

Secondly, be aware of those around you. See if the people in your life (family members, friends, co-workers, classmates) have these issues going on in their lives. Be gracious and supportive to them. Be a friend. Be patient with them if they aren’t “performing” up to their normal functioning (whether it’s at home, work or elsewhere).

Life is tough; sometimes more than other times. Hang in there. We are all in this together (we really are). If you are doing ok, help somebody else out.  It will be your turn eventually.

Recently, the reality of people losing their jobs has been hitting quite close to home.  Living in the city where most aircraft are built in the U.S., and the struggles aircraft manufacturers are experiencing have made knowing individuals who have been laid off from work a personal experience.  And the secondary job losses are significant as well — suppliers to the aircraft manufacturers, graphic designers, retail sales, professionals in the real estate arena — all are experiencing the effects.

I am reticent to personally give advice to individuals who are walking on paths I have not had to walk yet.  However, I did find the following ideas in some recent articles, and thought they might be of some help.

Given the current financial crisis, Psychology Today decided to interview a number of successful professionals and find out the role that “failure” played in their personal and professional development.  Here are a few of the comments and findings:

• There is a difference between failures and Failure, just like the difference that exists between financial diminshment and bankruptcy, and marital strife / divorce.
• Failure hurts but can pay off in the form of learning, growth, and wisdom.  Some psychologists … go even further, arguing that adversity, setbacks, and even trauma actually may be necessary for people to be happy, successful and fulfilled.
• J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series of books experienced a series of failures including a broken marriage, and poverty that bordered on homelessness.  She states:  “Failure stripped away everything inessential.  It taught me things about myself I could have learned no other way.”
• Paul MacCready, Jr., a famous aeronautical engineer who won the Kremer Prize for the world’s first human-powered airplane, depended on failure to help him succeed.  He designed his airplane to crash well, so that it would protect the pilot and the plane could be quickly repaired, so he could learn quickly from his failures.
• The difference between people who come out of failure successfully and those who do not seems to be related to the degree of ‘rumination’ that is allowed to continue.  “Failing better” is related to three aspects: controlling our emotions, adjusting our thinking, and recalibrating our beliefs about ourselves and what we can do in the world.
• Many argue that failure is necessary for growth.  So protecting ourselves (or our children) from failure limits our exposure to growth opportunities.  Conversely, too much failure can discourage and lead to one’s spirit being crushed — to the point of giving up.  How much failure is too much?  Two really helpful answers (being sarcastic):  “It depends” (on the stage of life and unique characteristics of the individual; and “We don’t really know.”

From a companion article, here are “Nine ways to fail better” by Bruce Grierson.

1. Lighten up — have a sense of humor.
2. Join the club — commiserate with others in similar situations.
3. Feel guilt, not shame — learn from your mistakes,but don’t accept the belief that “I am a failure”.
4. Cultivate optimism — put yor negative thoughts on trial and rebut them; they often are not based in reality.
5. Ask not what the world can do for you . . .  –  you now have the opportunity to do something different with your life.
6. Scale down your expectations for yourself — repeatedly failing to meet your expectations for yourself may indicate you need to re-evaluate realistic expectations for yourself.
7. Keep a journal, learn from what you are thinking and feeling, and use those lessons to take action.
8. Don’t blame yourself — blaming yourself for the bad things that happen to you (i.e. attributing all cause to yourself) is an error in thinking that causes people to become stuck, rather than to become stuck, rather than moving forward.
9. Act! — failure provides an opportunity to do something different, but only if you act on the opportunity.

I hope some of these thoughts may be helpful to you — or forward them to a friend or family member you know who finds themselves in this difficult situation.

Recently, the American Psychological Association recognized 14 companies as leaders in creating healthy workplace environments.  Besides just helping their employees “feel good” (the ubiquitous reply to anything psychologists do), there are some practical economic benefits for the companies as well:

• One company has reduced absenteeism by 34 percent
• The average employee turnover for the top five award winners was 11 percent, in comparison to the national average of 39 percent
• At these companies, 85 percent of employees reported being satisfied with their jobs, in comparison to only 61 percent nationally
• And only 5 percent of the employees indicated they intend to seek employment elsewhere within the next year, compared with 32 percent nationally.

What are these companies doing that is making such a difference with their employees?  Here are some of the resources, policies and action steps they have taken (this is not an exhaustive list):

1. Having an on-site nurse to see sick employees
2. Offering health screenings to employees
3. Parental leave for parents to attend school functions (plays, luncheons)
4. Discounts on private gym memberships
5. Financial incentives to employees who reach health-related goals
6. Tuition-assistance programs
7. On-site child care
8. Workshops on money management and debt reduction
9. Cash rewards for recruiting new hires
10. A wellness day once a month with access to chiropractic, massage and nutritional services
11. Smoking cessation help
12. A mentoring program between junior and senior management
13. Executive coaching for senior managers
14. Nutrition classes

One final note:  87% of the employees at these 14 top companies would recommend their place of employment as a good place to work (while the national average is only 44%).  How would your company fare in such a survey?

If you are an owner, manager or supervisor, take a minute and revisit the list — see what small steps you could possibly take to make your workplace more employee-rewarding.  Often there are community resources (e.g. for nutrition classes, for money management courses) available for no cost.

And if you are an employee, take a look at the list and see if there is a characteristic that is especially inviting to you.  Talk to your colleagues, and maybe your supervisor, and see how you might work together to get this resource at your workplace. You never know — a little initiative and communication can create positive results.

Today’s economic environment is taking a huge emotional toll on business owners and managers.  Given the shrinking economy, with orders for manufacturing being canceled or put on hold, with little happening in the construction industry, and with the general public spending less at the retail level — many businesses are having to either cut back employees hours or let them go altogether.

The “hidden” story behind this pattern is the huge emotional strain business owners and managers are experiencing.  And I am hearing from more and more of them each week.

One manufacturing executive told me he volunteered to take a 50% pay cut (his company is owned by a larger private corporation), even though his superiors suggested a 4% reduction for management.  He told me he couldn’t, in good faith, see his employees take a 20% reduction (by means of going to 32 hours per week from 40 hours), and not take at least the same level of reduction.

Other business owners are sharing with me the pain of having to let good team members go, because they don’t have the work needed to cover the overhead.  Some owners are losing sleep and experiencing a level of anxiety they state they never have had previously.

I grew up in a family-owned business.  My father, mother, grandfather and uncle worked together in a manufacturing firm.  And I vividly remember during the economic struggles of the 1970’s conversations during mealtimes about my dad’s concerns.  As a teenager, I was struck by the level of responsibility he felt for providing work (and thus, income) for his employees.  He frequently would share he felt terrible whenever he would have to let someone go, because of the impact it would have on the family — especially the children.  So he tried everything he could to keep them employed, even if it meant having them do tasks that were not directly revenue producing.  The stress of the situation wore him down emotionally, and physically.

Today, business owners struggling with the same issues.  Here are some of the burdens I see them carrying:

• A sense of responsibility in providing for others.  Often, in our culture, business owners are viewed enviously of “having it all” — financial success, time freedom, prestige … Those who own businesses know the other side of the coin — the financial stress of making payroll and paying creditors, and the knowledge that other individuals and families are counting on you to provide for their income.
• Balancing competing needs and demands.  Yes, your employees need work and income.  But the owner must also “keep the ship afloat” — you can’t keep people employed and risk losing the whole business.   Similarly, a business’s vendors and suppliers need to be paid (they have employees, too), but if you pay them, you may not be able to have sufficient funds for your own payroll.
• Guilt.  “I should have …”  or “I shouldn’t have …”  Business owners are experts at second-guessing themselves and expecting themselves to have perfect judgment.  Business owners feel guilty for having to let employees go.  They feel guilty to the remaining team members for not letting other employees go sooner.  And they especially feel guilty for “not having seen this coming.”
• Lack of knowledge about the future.  As the saying goes, no one knows what the future holds.  This is also true for business owners.  But, ironically, they are often asked by others (colleagues, employees, customers, family members, friends) to divine the future:  “When do you think this will turn around?”  And the lack of predictability in our current economic environment wears heavily on business leaders — it is very difficult to make decisions about the future when even the short term (3 to 6 months) is highly unpredictable.
• Pressure from numerous fronts.  Business owners have numerous parties who place pressure on them — their customers, their vendors, their employees, the community, their family, their church and charitable organizations.  And most of these groups are generally unaware of the other parties involved in the business leader’s life — and they are primarily focused on their needs.
• Need for wisdom and discernment.  Most successful business owners (that is, those who have endured difficult times previously) are humble individuals.  They know that they don’t know everything, and that, almost more than anything, they need wisdom and discernment in how to manage during these tumultuous times.   The goal often becomes survival, and they are willing to do what is necessary to accomplish this goal — even if it means not “looking” successful, or taking on responsibilities that are beneath their title and position.  And they are almost always willing to accept counsel from others.

So, the next time you are interacting with someone who owns or manages a business, take some time to listen to them.  Ask them how they are doing.  Give them a word of encouragement or appreciation for all they do for their employees and the community.  And try not to ask them to do something for you — they have enough demands in their life as it is now.

As a psychologist, I naturally find myself observing people’s behavior — their choices, what they are saying, and how they are feeling.  And this is the case now, in the midst of the difficult economic times in which we find ourselves (I am consciously choosing not to use the term “financial crisis”.)

There are three core aspects to any situation that involves human perception and response:

• Reality.  What actually “is” — the facts of the situation. (Using a non-related example: the temperature — which is about 30 degrees F. on a mid March day.)
• Perceptions. How people perceive, view, and interpret the facts.  (Regarding the weather, it seems excessively cold and wintery for this time of year; especially since it was 70 degrees for a few days last week.)
• Reactions.  How people respond both to the reality and their perceptions of the situation — their opinions, feelings, and behaviors. (Many people are somewhat irritable, complaining of the cold [because “it should be warmer”], some people are going on trips to warmer climates.)

These issues are relevant to the current economic challenges we are facing.  First, we must ask ourselves: What are the facts?  Some include:  a) real estate values have dropped significantly (30%-50%) in the past six months;  b) stock values have also decreased significantly (40%-50%) and are the lowest level they have been in decades;  c) as a result of these two factors, individuals’ and families’ financial worth is far lower than it was this time last year;  d) numerous companies are laying off workers and unemployment is at 8%, also a high mark for recent years;  e) financial institutions and the credit market are stressed;  f) the Federal government is taking significant steps to try to rectify the situation.

The next two areas are where we as individuals, families, businesses, communities and a nation, can get “tripped up”, if we are not careful.

Two unhealthy responses to difficult situations include:

1. Ignoring the facts.  As Jim Collins emphasized in Good to Great, successful companies (and by inference, individuals, families, et al) need to brutally face the facts of reality.  Acting like “what is” really “isn’t”, doesn’t help.  Some people call this denial.
2. Panicking and making emotionally-based decisions.  Yes, these are difficult times.  Is it a “crisis”?  Maybe.  Time will tell.  But becoming frantic, making quick not-well-thought-through decisions is not a good strategy.  (Note that some people become paralyzed when they panic and “do nothing” — which may not be a helpful strategy either.)

So what are healthier ways to respond to the current situation (”healthier” as defined functionally by thoughts and actions that lead to survival and better functioning in the future):

• Pay attention to important facts, but don’t become overwhelmed with more information than you can process (and filter out extraneous “noise” — other people’s thoughts, feelings & reactions).  It is important for each of us to understand what is going on in our country, communities, and the world.  But Americans have become ‘news junkies’ and taken in more information than we can possibly manage, process, and respond to — especially on talk radio and cable TV news channels.  The basic facts are there and that is largely what we need to know.
• Make reasoned decisions that lower your exposure to the risks that you can manage.  Each of us can make some individual decisions that can help us manage our own risks — whether at an individual, family, or business level.  Steps like managing expenses more closely, not going into unnecessary debt, and taking advantage of purchasing opportunities due to the economic situation — all are reasonable steps.
• Be thankful and learn to be content.  Most of us are still in situations where we have jobs and income, a place to live, food on the table, and live in safety (I do not want to minimize those who are in more difficult circumstances, but these situations are still true for most Americans.) If this is true for you, be thankful.  There are billions in the world less fortunate.  Also, learn to be content with what you have — your job, your car, your life circumstances — versus focusing on what you wish was different or “what should have been.”
• Be gracious and generous to others.  Most of us know individuals, families and businesses who are struggling currently.  A trap that some fall into is to be judgmental of others — thinking that they are in their current circumstance because “they didn’t …” or “they shouldn’t have …”.  In some cases that may be true.  But in most cases, people are where they are due to many circumstances out of their control.  [In either case, how does it help them to judge them?]  We now have the opportunity to be warm, caring and supportive — and potentially to be generous in some way (maybe with our time, maybe by connecting them with a potential employer).
• Manage your own stress effectively.  Try to limit your exposure to negative spins on the current facts — anger, resentment and bitterness don’t lead to a healthy life.  Manage your own thoughts, worries and anxieties.  Exercise.  Sleep. Take time for re-energizing yourself.  Spend time with friends and family.  (All things that we know we should do.)

Just as many individuals recount some of the more difficult periods in their lives as the most rich and rewarding times, so we also have the opportunity to come through these current circumstances as stronger individuals, families, communities, and possibly, a stronger healthier nation.

So, “Carpe diem!” (along with grace and peace in your daily life and relationships).

I have been collecting some articles on psychology and wealth from a variety of journals I receive, and recently there was a group of articles published in the Monitor of Psychology which is published by the American Psychological Association.  I thought I would briefly share some of the information reported.
One article in the January 2009 Monitor entitled “Mind over money” was an interview with Dr. Paul Zak who is the founder of the Center for Neuroeconomics Studies.  He is the author of a recent book, Moral Markets: The Critical Role of Values in the Economy (2008).  In discussing the neurology and brain functioning of certain behaviors, he states: “You need to know that your brain is prone to overreaction. . . When there’s a lot of uncertainty, like there is in the stock market, it turns out that making decisions involving money generates strong activation in the areas of the brain associated with fear. .. Studies have shown that brain areas that process risk are the same ones that process pain, so the brain’s reaction to this fearful, uncertain environment is ‘Get away!’”

Dr. Zak continues, “The same dopamine [a brain chemical] system … also activates when we get any kind of new news.  One thing I suggest .. is not to watch TV, where you’re going to get all this rumor and innuendo. Wait until the next morning and read the papers.”

“Just as we saw an overreaction when the market was trending strongly upward, I think we’re also seeing an overreaction as the bubble is bursting.  The brain has put you into survival mode.”

Another article, entitled “What’s Behind American Con$umeri$m?”, (from the July / August 2008 Monitor on Psychology) attempts to answer the question is:  ‘Why do Americans consistently spend more than they earn?’  For example, since 1982 it is reported Americans’ personal savings rate has dropped from 11 percent to below zero.

Some different ideas postulated to answer the question of reduced spending include:

• When we are under stress (as most Americans are), we are more at risk for spending.
• The availability of credit cards to young adults conditions them to the process of incurring debt at a young age.
• Credit cards also facilitate impulse buying (more than buying with cash or checks.)
• We are bombarded with constant messages to spend through TV, the Internet, catalogs, print media and bathroom stalls, airplane tray tables, even egg shells.

Finally, “The Price of Affluence” discusses recent research which shows that “privileged teens may be more self-centered — and depressed — than ever before.”  Although this is really not ‘new’ news, the theme continues.  One of the authors cited, Dan Kindlon from Harvard, has written an excellent book, Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children in an Indulgent Age.

Another psychologist, Madeline Levine, believes that much of the mental distress is created by a fear of failure (both by the teens and by their parents).  In fact, one study indicates that parents who overemphasized accomplishments were more likely to have teens who were depressed, anxious, or used drugs.  Additionally, it is suggested that parents not shield their children from early life disappointments — let them try and fail, and learn from it.

I have written previous entries that may provide some additional information (a few worth looking at are: The Price of Privilege; The Dark Side of Wealth; Contentment - A Counter Cultural Concept ).

Have a good week!

Part of life is the fact that “bad things happen” - a car accident, serious physical problems, death of a family member, loss of a job,  — all kinds of events are possible.

Recently, I have had a number of family members and friends struggle with serious physical problems:  brain tumors, breast cancer, back problems, vertigo, depression, kidney malfunctions.  (I don’t think I “create” physical problems in those around me, nor do I gather people with illnesses around me; it seems to be one of those times in life when certain life events seem to cluster together.)

And a few weeks ago, my daughter had a significant car accident, where she flipped her car.    Fortunately, she was wearing her seat belt and she was not physically hurt.  But, obviously, some practical, daily life lessons were learned, and we were extremely thankful for her safety.

And this week, my nephew’s son, Caden, died from a protracted battle with cancer.  Caden was five years old.  He was a delightful, cheerful boy who was full of life.  We are going to miss him terribly.  The emotional pain associated with a child’s death seems to be indescribable.
But tragic events and life’s struggles, in the midst of the pain, provide opportunities for growth:

• The opportunity to grow closer together as a family.  Serious life-changing events can help us to realize how important those close to us really are.  We have the opportunity to verbalize and communicate our care for each other in ways that we usually don’t.  This weekend we had a family dinner with our children and used the time to reflect on Caden’s life and our responses to his death; it was a significant time together.
• The opportunity to reflect on one’s life — the purpose and meaning of life, and reprioritizing life’s activities.  When a person faces a serious illness, it causes us to consider the brevity of life and to reconsider what is really important to us.  Most of us remember this reaction after 9/11 — a lot of daily life activities were suspended so people could spend time together with their families.  And the challenges give us a longer term perspective to think about: What is the meaning of life?  Why am I here? Is life on earth all there is?
• The opportunity to build (and sometimes, rebuild) closer relationships with friends and extended family members.  Life is fast-paced for most of us.  And many of us no longer live close to extended family members (brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandparents, aunts & uncles).  And we also may not see long-term friends from prior stages in our lives as frequently as we used to.  Significant events in our lives can provide the channel to reconnect.  They may also provide the impetus to get past hurts and wounds, to forgive, and to say, “You are important to me.”

So, if you or someone close to you, is in the midst of a difficult life circumstance, take the time and effort to connect with those around you.

And even if life’s circumstances are going fairly well for you currently, be thankful, and tell someone close to you that you love them, that you appreciate them, or that you really enjoy being around them.  Today with them is a gift you won’t always have.
communication, Difficult conversations, Family, Life Stages, parenting, Perseverance, personal development, Personal stories, relationships, Stress management

Almost all of us in the United States are now starting to personally experience some aspect of the global and national economic crisis.  Whether it is through a personal or family job loss, friends and extended family members who have been laid off, a slow down in your business, or projected reduced sales for next year — the impact is now personal.  This is different than hearing it on the news or reading statistics in a publication.

I resent the frenzy and panic the media seems to want to whip up, because this type of communication doesn’t help anyone.  We need to deal with the realities of life (like Jim Collins encourages businesses to do in Good to Great), but let’s do so in a healthy manner.

So let’s talk about the thought patterns that will help us cope with the challenges and stressors we are (or will be) facing — and how to keep our mental health and hope.

• Shorten your time frame.  Regardless of the challenging issue a family, individual or business faces, one of the key aspects for managing the crisis is to keep a short time frame in mind.  Deal with what you have to today or this week.  Do not spend a lot of time thinking about (or worrying about) six months from now, or next year — largely because there are so many factors that can change between now and then, you really can’t plan that far in advance.
• Manage your cash flow.  Almost every business or family I know that has gone under financially later reports that they wish they would have made changes (e.g. “cut back”) sooner.  So it would be wise to complete an budget review, especially of unnecessary expenses, and make appropriate adjustments — this should probably include projections for income over the coming months, as this might change as well.
• Adjust your expectations.  Life’s circumstances throws us changes.  What was true six months ago for us as a country, in your business, or your family is different now.  Therefore, the goals, desires or plans you had then for the future may not fit now.  Rigidly holding onto beliefs and expectations from the past will probably create undue stress.  What is going on now may not be “fair”, but it is what it is.
• Explore options you have previously ruled out.  Many times we exclude certain options because they aren’t acceptable given the current circumstances.    But when circumstances change, previously unacceptable options may need to be reconsidered (e.g. a teenager being willing to work at part-time at a restaurant; doing tasks yourself and working later in the evening or on weekends).
• Maintain an attitude of appreciation.   We all can probably find something to complain about.  And there are lots of people and decisions who are prime targets for criticism.  But what does that really gain (except for a brief time of tension release)?  So instead of adding to the negative conversations out there, first start with remembering the things that are good in your life — and then add these to conversations.  [We had a beautiful sunrise this morning.  I appreciate having a warm house when it is cold outside.  I am thankful I have reliable transportation to get to work — and that I don’t have to commute 60+ minutes one way.]
• Keep connected socially. When people go through difficult times, one means of coping with the stress is to withdraw socially.  Generally, this is not a good long-term strategy.  Yes, we need time to ourselves and time to think things through.  But to pull back from positive, supportive relationships puts us at risk for becoming isolated, cuts us off from available resources, and we can start to get weird (we need the reality check of conversations with friends to keep our thinking straight).

I appreciate the comments of Jack DeBoer, a local successful businessman who spoke recently and said:  “You can go out and talk to people today and tell them how tough things are, how it’s tougher now, and how much tougher it’s going to get. . . Or you can go out and figure out what to do in this environment.”

I am not a major history buff, but it seems to me that a lot of people survived the Great Depression, and almost always there are opportunities to be successful in difficult times.