Unfortunately, when the issue of “character” is in the news today, the focus is usually on character failures — lack of integrity, marital unfaithfulness, greed and dishonesty. So to be able to talk about a man of good character is a privilege.

When thinking about the title of this entry, I was indecisive about whether it should be “To a Great Man of Character” or “To a Man of Great Character”. Obviously, I chose the latter — for two reasons. First, in the world’s eyes I don’t know if Spence Sawyer would be characterized as a “great man” — in the general terms of incredible success professionally or in terms of raw talent. Although he was talented in several areas and he was also quite successful in his profession, most who knew Spence focused on who he was as a person. So, the second reason I chose this title is because almost everyone who knew Spence would agree he was a man of “great character”. It was his character that impacted others, and most who knew him (including myself) found themselves wanting to emulate him.

Spence Sawyer died this week at the age of 78. He was born and raised in the suburbs of west Chicago and spent most of his adult life in this area, with a few years early in his professional life living in New Jersey while commuting to New York City. He was the father of seven children, whom he mentored and helped each obtain a private college education (no small feat financially, regardless of the era).

I want to highlight just a few of the character qualities that I first thought of when reflecting on Spence’s life:

Responsible. Responsibility was at the core of Spence’s being — shouldering the responsibility of leading his family and guiding his children, from childhood through adolescence and into their adult lives; taking responsibility to provide leadership in most of the organizations he was committed to (his church, his company [he worked for Illinois Bell and AT&T for forty years], the college he and many of his family members attended), and just in general daily life. If Spence saw something that needed to be done, he would make sure it got done.

Faithful. In his personal relationships, Spence was faithful to his wife, Ruth, of over 50 years, his children, grandchildren and his friends. Spence was “Mr. Reliable”. If he made a commitment, he kept it. You never had to wonder if he was going to show up; he was always there. He followed through on commitments made — in fact, you would never think of Spence not following through. He was rock solid. You wanted him on your team — and he was sought out by organizations because they knew he would help you achieve your goals.

Investing in others. I’m not sure of the best way to put this, or of a good singular term, but Spence gave his life in the service of others. He was not self-promoting. He did not seek positions of leadership — he was seen as a leader and asked to take leadership positions by those around him. After his retirement in the 90’s, he spent much of his time and energy meeting with others — teaching, mentoring, listening and encouraging. Interestingly, because of some early life experiences that impacted him significantly, Spence was reluctant to give advice to others — even when asked. But if you cornered him, you could get him to help you frame the problem and think through the issues you needed to consider. (The result of his investing in others will be seen next week at his memorial service where 800-900 people are expected to honor him and share in the celebration of his life.)

Laughter. From the previous descriptors, one might conclude that Spence was a stern, stodgy, “all work and no play” kind of guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Spence was one of the best story- and joke-tellers I have ever known, and he loved to laugh. In fact, one of my favorite memories is sitting with him at the kitchen table, having a bowl of ice cream and he would start telling some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. The problem was, he would start tearing up and laughing before he finished the joke — and you found yourself laughing and crying just because he was (and you weren’t exactly sure why)!

There are lots of other personal qualities that characterized Spence, some of which were so ingrained in who he was that you couldn’t think of him not exhibiting them (honesty, integrity, generosity). He was a man of deep spirituality who loved the God he served and who has left a legacy in the lives of those who knew him — that will endure for years to come. I know that I have been deeply impacted by his input into my life and I will miss him dearly. I had the privilege of knowing him for over 30 years, as the father of my wife. His leaving the life on this earth has caused me to seriously reflect on my life and my priorities.

I hope that I will also become a man of great character.

Given that I have the opportunity to interact and observe with businesses across the country, it gives me the potential to learn from those whom I serve and interact. In preparing for a presentation to a chamber of commerce luncheon, I decided to share some of the observations I have gathered over the past months. I have seen businesses who are doing relatively well and those who are not (or who have closed their doors). And these are the patterns I have seen.

Businesses who do well in difficult financial times:

Are able and willing to make and implement tough decisions. Some companies who were not able to make tough business decisions quickly are no longer around. Those who hesitated and waited before making cuts have suffered and made the path more difficult for themselves. It is important to note that family-owned businesses often struggle in this area — either because they do not have the processes and decision-making mechanisms in place to make authoritative decisions, or because the “difficult” decision may be to let family members go.

Realize that marketing is a way of life. I am using the term “marketing” to essentially mean: a) letting people know what you do; and b) being easy to find by potential customers. Those companies who were doing well, had a large back-log for their services or products, and who had fallen asleep in their marketing, often had difficulties “gearing up” their marketing plan when tough times hit. However, those companies who had continued to actively market were in place to adjust their plan and keep going.

Combine focus with diversity. Although I firmly believe in Jim Collins’ “hedge hog concept” (knowing what you do well and using that product/service to drive your business, I also believe there can be focus with diversity. Many of the companies who are now doing well in this tough economy had some diversity built into their business plan — either a variety of markets to which they applied their product/service, or they had a secondary line of products that they could “ramp up” in response to a need that arose. A number of companies who have only one primary service or product line are struggling to survive and/or develop a new product or service in times where there is not a lot of available capital to do so.

Understand that the focus of “networking” is not primarily about finding potential customers but looking for opportunities to serve others. Given that I was at a networking event, this was an important topic to address. All too often (almost always, in fact) business representatives go to networking events (luncheons, educational seminars, receptions) with the primary focus in mind to meet potential customers, give them your thirty second “elevator speech”, and press your business card into their hand. And with what do most of us walk away from these events? A blurred memory of who we met and a stack of business cards. Consider the following scenario. How much would you remember the person who actively sought to hear about any needs or challenges you are experiencing and was able either to connect you with a resource that could help or introduce you to someone who may have the service you need? Now that is impactful.

Actively encourage their employees. I have been working on a project of applying the Five Love Languages (a book used in personal relationships) to work-oriented relationships.

Initially, when Dr. Chapman and I started the project, the economy was good and one of our primary applications was in “how to keep valuable team members”. For many companies now, the issue is how to keep your employees from becoming discouraged and burned out — they have more work to do and increased responsibilities with the same (or maybe less) pay and resources.

We have developed the Managing By Appreciation Inventory to help managers and business owners how to communicate encouragement and appreciation to their employees through non-financial means, and how to do so in a way that is significant and meaningful to the employee. Whatever tool or method you use, it is critical to find ways to encourage and show appreciation to your employees in these difficult times. Briefly think of what a discouraged employee looks like in day to day life, and quickly calculate the costs to your organization of having a discouraged team — loss of productivity, poor customer satisfaction, negative attitudes, increased mistakes.

So, if your business is still alive and kicking, take a minute and see if you can take any of these factors and apply them to your organization — and hopefully increase the probability of your survival!

This week my wife and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.  Neither she nor I can believe we have been married that long — part of it is that we just don’t feel that “old”! (To keep the edge of reality a bit less sharp, we usually comment that we were only 12 when we got married.)

But as we have shared about our milestone with others, we have been asked quite a few times:  “What are the ’secrets’ to being married that long?”  I started to reflect on the question and came up with a few thoughts in response that I thought I would share.

• Marry the right person.  This may sound strange — and doesn’t really help those who are already married –but marrying a person who has the foundational character qualities that are needed for maintaining a long term relationship is key.  Two come to mind (there are many, obviously) — 1) avoid someone who is easily offended and 2) a person who holds grudges.  Both make it really difficult to forgive.  The first (being easily offended) means the person is going to have to forgive you a lot over the future decades.  And the second (holding grudges) means that they have a hard time “letting go” of offenses, which undermines the ability to maintain a close long term relationship. Most of us are blinded by infatuation and physical attraction when we are looking for someone to marry.  Some of us are (or were) just young and clueless.  So finding the right person under those circumstances is largely due to God’s grace in our lives.  But if you are still looking for a spouse, be sure and look for the true qualities you desire. (On the other hand, don’t be looking for Prince Charming or ‘The Perfect Woman’ — they don’t exist in reality.)

• Both individuals need to become good at forgiving.  Throughout the months, years and decades of your marriage, you will screw up a lot; and your spouse will make a lot of mistakes, so it is critical for both parties to be able and willing to forgive one another.  I truly don’t know of any other way to make a long term relationship work — practicing forgiveness is key.  There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness — that you have to ‘forget’ what happened to be able to forgive; that forgiveness means what happened really didn’t matter or hurt; or that what the person did ‘wasn’t that big of a deal’ — none of which are true.  Forgiveness is essentially “letting go” and not holding the offense against the person any longer.  Easy to say, but a process which can take a long time to enact. [A great book on this issue is The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes.]
• Learn (and then practice) the ways that your spouse experiences being loved.  For a long time (I mean 25 years or so) Kathy and I struggled.  She was frustrated with me, not feeling like I cared for or about her.  And I didn’t feel like she appreciated me.  Then we read Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, and began to understand that each of us experiences being loved differently.  Kathy’s ‘love language’ is having focused attention and quality time; mine is verbal praise.  Once we understood our differences, and have worked at loving each other in the languages important to us (it has taken me longer than Kathy), then our frustrations have diminished.  Although the concepts of this book are pretty simple and not ‘magic’, they helped us get over a barrier in our relationship.
• Work on your relationship.  “Working on your relationship”, to me, means — make your marriage a priority.  You have to spend time, invest mental and emotional energy, be willing to spend money on your relationship — and say “no” to other things (hobbies, work, other relationships, leisure activities, activities with or for the kids).  Although I rarely looked forward to a marriage seminar or retreat (being honest), I almost always felt like there was significant benefit from going.  And I get tired of reading books on marriage, but I continue to glean helpful concepts and hints to make me a better husband.  Anything that you want to be of good quality takes time and effort.
• Be committed to stay married even when it’s tough and you don’t like your spouse.  Sometimes I feel ‘commitment’ is overly emphasized in weddings and advice to young couples — to the point that it seems that the only thing needed to stay married is commitment (which I don’t believe is true).  But, if you ask most couples who have been married a long time, the rock bottom foundation of being committed to staying married, no matter how tough it gets, has been true for them.  And it is true for us.  We have had times where it seemed it would have been easier (and less painful) to just call it quits.  And there were times where we really didn’t like each other much, and didn’t enjoy our relationship.  But we were committed to make it work, and to this point we have been able to do so. [An ASIDE:  I clearly believe that there are circumstances when it probably doesn’t make sense and can be dangerous to stay in a relationship — when there is drug or alcohol abuse, or anger and abuse issues.  Being committed doesn’t mean you should be foolish.]
• Give up trying to change your spouse (the “if only …” game).  Part of the ability to keep together (and get past those really tough times) comes with the true acceptance of the other person for who they are.  And even if it would be good for them to change for certain habits or to “grow” in character (patience, perseverance, follow-through, impulse control, you name it) — accepting that they may never change reduces a lot of conflict.  And yes, life would be better “if only …”, but “if only …” may not happen and you certainly aren’t going to make it happen in their life for them.  So accept the reality that your spouse is a flawed individual and that it would be helpful if you learn to live with them the way they are.
• Miscellaneous parting thoughts.   There are lots more principles — that is why there are so many books on marriage.  But I want to get on with my day, so let me just finish with some additional short comments.

1. Be thankful — for your life, for your spouse, for your family.
   
2. Learn to enjoy activities that you can do together.  Do things with your spouse that they enjoy — go along with them just because they like it.
3. Live within your means.  Financial stress from overextending your lifestyle creates additional unnecessary stress that can undermine your relationship.
4. Realize life is hard.  Enjoy the good times and persevere through the difficult ones.

Have a great week.  And if you are fortunate enough to be married — give your spouse a big hug and kiss sometime today.

When I talk to parents, either in family meetings, counseling sessions, or lectures, I always describe one of the main goals of parenting is: “to raise independent functional adults”.  First, you try to keep them alive so that they will at least become an adult (e.g. avoiding fatal car accidents as teens).  Secondly, you want them to move toward independence, versus being eternally dependent on you.  And finally, you want them to be”functional” in terms of having the character qualities necessary to function in the world (learning lessons like: work comes before play; there is a relationship between responsibility and privilege; life is made of choices, with accompanying results; there are limited resources in life [time,money, energy] so you have to prioritize — “You can’t do everything.”)

As parents, there are milestones along the way that show that your kids are on the right path (graduating from high school, getting a job and paying for some of their expenses, living away from home after college).  And there are “ditches” to avoid as well — drug and alcohol addiction, serious credit card debt, inability to hold down a job over time.

Ultimately, when do you claim “victory!” as a parent?  When can you say, “I think we were pretty successful as parents”?  Being somewhat hard-nosed, but also truthful, I don’t think we really know how we did as parents until our grandchildren are young adults and displaying the characteristics we value.  That is a long time off, but just like many other areas of life, I don’t think true success can be claimed until the first generation results are replicated.

Nonetheless, I think there are times (and this is one for us), where you can at least stop, take a breath, and claim temporary victory.

My wife, Kathy, and I are in the midst of a significant life transition. For the first time in 26 years and 3 months, we don’t have any of our children living at home.  Our oldest two (twin sons, Daniel & Nathan) have both graduated from college and have been out own their own for a few years.  One is a chaplain in the Army and being deployed to Iraq in a few weeks (for 12 months).  One is involved in international medical relief work and currently is in Liberia (for just a short time).  Our third son, Joel, graduated with a degree in mechanical engineering in May and is going back for a masters degree in biomedical engineering (with a full ride scholarship and teaching assistantship position.)  And our daughter, Elizabeth, just moved into her dorm room at college, after graduating from high school this spring.

Are we proud?  Absolutely.  Is the role of parenting over and we can claim complete success?  Definitely not.  But you have to stop at some points in life and rejoice in the progress made so far.

But with the pride also comes pain.  Being successful as parents, raising “independent functional adults” (plus some other character qualities, also involves a fair amount of loss.  Let me outline some of the losses we are experiencing:

• Loss of communication. When kids move away, they aren’t there for dinner anymore (not as often, at least).  You don’t see them before they go to school, or when they come home in the evenings.  The opportunity for daily life small interactions diminishes significantly.
• Loss of connectivity.  Once they are out of the home (and gradually before then) they are living their own lives.  They have their own activities (which you generally don’t attend like you did their soccer games or school concerts).  They get to know lots of people you don’t know.  Your lives become more separate and less connected (which is good and necessary, but still hurts sometimes.)
• Loss of being needed on a daily basis.  Many parents are actively involved in their children’s lives daily for years and decades.  Moms who have the privilege of being at home with the children before the school years are especially attuned to this issue.  At different stages in life, this issue becomes more poignant — when your oldest goes to their first day of school; when each child leaves to go to college; and when your youngest moves out.
• Loss of role and identity.  Closely related to the “not being needed on a daily basis” issue, is the loss of role and identity which can also occur.  Some of us, as parents, seeing being a parent as one our primary roles and callings in life.  When the more active stage of in-home parenting is over, the question: “What do I do with my time and energy now?” can come to the forefront.
• Loss of togetherness.  As your children get older, it is tougher to get time together as a total family.  We have experienced this (this last week five of us got together for a family vacation, but Daniel couldn’t make it since he is in Liberia), but have been able to have brief flecks of time all together.  Family gatherings without everyone there is bittersweet — you enjoy the time with whoever can make it, but you also have a sense of lack of completeness when one or more are missing.

When we talk with friends whose children are younger than ours, they often say:  “I don’t know if I will be able to survive that.”  But, like lots of life, you somehow get ready for the next stage by the time you get there.  The transitions are tough, and painful (for us, at least).  But the accompanying pride, joy of seeing your children “fly” on their own, and the wonder about the opportunities before you dampen the pain somewhat.

We’ll see what’s next!