OK, first things first.  I am a busy person.  Currently, too busy.  (I am writing this as I sit on a plane flying to Chicago for a business meeting.)  So this is one of those entries where I call on the “psychologist’s privilege” of being able to expound on principles that I do not have implemented in my life yet.  The principles are true.  I’m just not consistently applying them.  (Ask my wife)

Busyness and the holidays seem to go hand-in-hand.  There is the “normal” busyness of life - work, family, home responsibilities, extended family, friends, leisure activities, and community involvement.  Then we add another layer of activities for the six weeks or so from Thanksgiving thru the New Year’s.

What is “busyness”, really?  How does it differ from just being active or doing things?

Lets look at some of the characteristics that seem to accompany a sense of being busy, and I think that will give us some insight. 

Busyness seems to go with:

• Feeling Rushed
• Having a lot to do in a short period of time.
• A general sense of pressure, even compression.
• Tenseness.
• Irritability (more for some than others).
• Things to do.
• Places to go.
• People to meet (to finish the phrase).
• Short time frames.  Activites scheduled in close succession.
• Being late (or worrying about being late).

Sounds like a fun way to live, doesn’t it?  So why do we do it ourselves?  Why (and how) do we let ourselves become so busy, even frantic, during this time of year?

I think there are 3 basic factors that lead to our busyness.

1. Opportunities. Lots of them.  There are a lot of extra things going on during the Christmas season.  School Christmas concerts.  Work-related Christmas parties.  Christmas shopping.  Kids’ basketball, volleyball, hockey, and indoor practices and games.  Extra choir practices.  Christmas pageants at church.  Ski trips and Christmas vacations.  Watching traditional Christmas movies.  Visiting relatives (both sides).  So, bottom line, there are more activities to do.
2. Expectations.  There are two primary sets of expectations: a) our own (for ourselves), and b) others’ (for us).  Both sets seem to crank up during this time of year.  As I have stated in the past, the easiest way to track expectations is through the “should’s” we hear (either in our head, or out of the mouths of others.)  “I really should go to…” or “You can’t miss…”  Expectations, generally speaking, are neither good nor bad; right nor wrong.  But some of them really are not reality-bsed - you really can’t do everything.  So you have to make choices.  The problem is: some choices lead to not meeting someone’s expectations.
3. The Experience(s) of Not Meeting Expectations.  When we don’t meet the expectations of others’, there is the risk of them having a negative reaction: hurt, disappointment, frustration, anger. [Note: they don’t have to react in those ways.  They have a choice.  They could also respond with graciousness, understanding and acceptance.]  When we don’t meet our own expectations, we tend to feel guilty, worry about “what others will think”, and sometimes beat ourselves up mentally.

Since most of us don’t like either of these experiences (others reacting negatively to us not meeting their expectations, and being hard on ourselves), we make the other choice - we try to do as much as we can to meet everyone’s (at least perceived) expections.  The result?  Busyness.

The Antidotes to Busyness.

So, is there any solution?  Or are we doomed to live frantic lives for the last six weeks of every calendar year?

I don’t think we are going to seriously reduce the number of possible activities available during this time of year, so give that option up.

One option comes from the disciple of management.  When a person or organization has limited resources, they have to prioritize. Anyone who has been in “tight” financial circumstances knows that difficult choices have to be made.  You can’t buy or do this.  We will pay this bill first and this other bill next week.  The same is true for our time and energy - when there is more to do than we have time or energy, we have to prioritize.  We pick those activities (hopefully) which are most important to us (based on our values), and decide we can’t do others.

The concept of margin also seems applicable.  Our busyness transforms into frantic and blood-pressure raising stress when we leave no margin for errror in our scheduling and planning.  When we plan to go to three Christmas parties on one Friday night, from 7 to 8:15 p.m. (30 minutes travel); 8:45 to 10 p.m. (30 minutes travel) and then 10:30 to midnight (this is obviously the schedule of a younger person!), most likely we are setting ourselves up for a stressful evening, if we really expect to keep that timeframe.  Most of us need to leave more room in our schedules for unexpected traffic, not being able to find the presents at the store as quickly as we thought, etc.

The idea of giving up comes to mind.  (I bet that phrase caught some of your attention.)  Not “giving up” in totality.  but giving up some of our expectations.  For some of us who are really social, the thought of missing a party is close to the pain of a kidney stone.  But, at some point, we need to say: “It’s not worth it.”  The busyness, the stress, the resulting irritability, the tension in my relationship with my family outweighs the fun I may have at going to three Christmas parties this weekend.  We may also need to give up some of our expectations for others - it is okay if they can’t make it to Susie’s Christmas concert (even though she has a one line solo in one song); our friendship won’t end if they can’t make it to my party; the world won’t come to an end if we open Christmas presents with the grandchildren the week after Christmas.

Finally,  pause and enjoy the moment. Instead of rushing from store to store in panic, take a minute and enjoy the cool winter sunshine, listen to the high school choir singing in the mall, stop and enjoy a glass of hot cider.  One of my biggest challenges is the tendency to be thinking ahead to the next event or activity and not fully enjoy the one I am currently attending.  When you are at a party, stop looking around to see who is there, and focus on the person you are talking to right now.  Enjoy them.  Listen to their story and laugh together.

Ok, so I have now lectured myself in addition to writing this to you.  I promise to work on these antidotes in the coming weeks (I have to start now by saying no to some of the opportunities I have before me). How about you?

We usually think of opposites in terms of a simple, “either-or” relationship — such as light and darkness, large and small, heavy and light.  And these opposites exist on a single continuum, with the opposing characteristics being on the ends of the spectrum.

But there are some relationships which are more complex, where there is more than one characteristic that can be opposite of another.  For example, in comparing a “good meal” with a bad one, there are different factors that can lead to that judgment.  The quality of the basic ingredients, the correct amount of the ingredients, combining the ingredients in the proper order and utilizing the appropriate process, the degree and duration of cooking, the temperature of the food when presented, and the combination of the various dishes prepared — all lead to the combined quality of the meal.  So a meal can be unsatisfactory because the food is too salty, the meat was overcooked and tough, the vegetables are room temperature, the baker used baking soda instead of baking powder, or you don’t especially like a spicy green salsa on your cranberry apple salad.

Similarly, it seems that there is more than one “opposite” of being thankful.  In fact, if you think of the term “opposite” being rooted in the meaning of “opposing”, the issue becomes more clear.

So, as we approach the Thanksgiving holiday, instead of the traditional approach of thinking about those things for which we are thankful (we is generally a good exercise to do), let’s look at those characteristics and attitudes which get in the way of being thankful.

• Apathy.  An “I don’t care” attitude reflects a lack of appreciation for one’s present circumstances.  Someone who is passive, has little interest or motivation in the current situation, really doesn’t understand how bad things could actually be.  (I believe apathy reflects a deeper sense of self-focus where the individual becomes passive when they can’t do what they want to.)
• Entitlement. When individuals come to believe that they deserve x, y, or z, then having that item or being able to do what they believe is their right becomes a baseline expectation for life.  And when we believe we have a right to something, we generally are not that thankful when we get it.
• Impatience.  When we are impatient (and usually, also irritable) in our current life circumstance, it follows that we are not really very thankful for the situation we find ourselves in.  Usually, we are quite focused on a very narrow aspect of the situation (being stuck in traffic and late to a meeting or event) and fail to see the positives of the broader context (having a car to travel in, living in a safe country).
• Envy.  Focusing on what others have that we don’t, or characteristics of their lives we wish were true for us lead us away from being thankful what we have and our current life circumstances. (Remember, there are 3 billion people who go to bed hungry every night.)
• Anger.  When we become angry, we essentially are saying (to ourselves and others) — “This should have (or shouldn’t have) happened ..”.  And when our expectations aren’t met, we become angry about it.  It seems to be pretty difficult to be thankful and angry at the same time, I think (try it!).
• Greed.  Have you ever been around a child who always wants more?  More toys.  More fun.  More food (to the point of excess).  They rarely seem to be thankful for what they just received or experienced, but rather quickly move on to “What’s next?”  As adults, we may have just completed a pleasurable experience, and are already looking on to the next fun thing to do.  Greed and gratefulness don’t co-exist.
• Worry. This is an interesting juxtaposition to thankfulness.  Worry and anxiety have to do with the future — x, y or z may happen; or “if Q happens, then …[some bad thing] will occur.”  It’s hard to be grateful and enjoy life when you are around someone who is anxious and worrisome.  Almost by definition, they are so focused on a possible future event, they cannot enjoy the present.

I am sure there are other characteristics and attitudes that interfere with, and oppose, being thankful. Some of the ones identified above create a sense of embarrassment for me, because they are too often true in my own daily life.  (Sorry about that to those of you who live closely with me.)

If you wouldn’t mind, take a moment and review the list.  Go slow and think about periods when you have struggled with these attitudes.  Think of specific times and circumstances. And when you are ready, choose to move on.  Resolve to battle these ways of thinking when they come up.
For some reason, there are always a few foundational things that I find myself repeatedly thankful for.  And I’d like to share some of them with you.  Those of you who have lived in more difficult times and places, or who have traveled in poorer countries, can probably identify with these relatively simple items:

• a hot shower
• a glass of clean, refreshing ice water
• air conditioning
• fresh fruit
• a warm house or a warm place to work
• a family member or friend who loves you
• pain relievers and medication
• money to be able to take care of an unexpected expense
• warm sunshine or a cool breeze
• no bugs biting me while I am in bed
• clean, dry clothes
• a variety of food to eat

I’ll stop there (although I’d love to keep going).

I hope you have a tremendous time with family and friends this coming week.  Be sure to them how much you appreciate how they have enriched your life!

As a psychologist, I naturally find myself observing people’s behavior — their choices, what they are saying, and how they are feeling.  And this is the case now, in the midst of the difficult economic times in which we find ourselves (I am consciously choosing not to use the term “financial crisis”.)

There are three core aspects to any situation that involves human perception and response:

• Reality.  What actually “is” — the facts of the situation. (Using a non-related example: the temperature — which is about 30 degrees F. on a mid March day.)
• Perceptions. How people perceive, view, and interpret the facts.  (Regarding the weather, it seems excessively cold and wintery for this time of year; especially since it was 70 degrees for a few days last week.)
• Reactions.  How people respond both to the reality and their perceptions of the situation — their opinions, feelings, and behaviors. (Many people are somewhat irritable, complaining of the cold [because “it should be warmer”], some people are going on trips to warmer climates.)

These issues are relevant to the current economic challenges we are facing.  First, we must ask ourselves: What are the facts?  Some include:  a) real estate values have dropped significantly (30%-50%) in the past six months;  b) stock values have also decreased significantly (40%-50%) and are the lowest level they have been in decades;  c) as a result of these two factors, individuals’ and families’ financial worth is far lower than it was this time last year;  d) numerous companies are laying off workers and unemployment is at 8%, also a high mark for recent years;  e) financial institutions and the credit market are stressed;  f) the Federal government is taking significant steps to try to rectify the situation.

The next two areas are where we as individuals, families, businesses, communities and a nation, can get “tripped up”, if we are not careful.

Two unhealthy responses to difficult situations include:

1. Ignoring the facts.  As Jim Collins emphasized in Good to Great, successful companies (and by inference, individuals, families, et al) need to brutally face the facts of reality.  Acting like “what is” really “isn’t”, doesn’t help.  Some people call this denial.
2. Panicking and making emotionally-based decisions.  Yes, these are difficult times.  Is it a “crisis”?  Maybe.  Time will tell.  But becoming frantic, making quick not-well-thought-through decisions is not a good strategy.  (Note that some people become paralyzed when they panic and “do nothing” — which may not be a helpful strategy either.)

So what are healthier ways to respond to the current situation (”healthier” as defined functionally by thoughts and actions that lead to survival and better functioning in the future):

• Pay attention to important facts, but don’t become overwhelmed with more information than you can process (and filter out extraneous “noise” — other people’s thoughts, feelings & reactions).  It is important for each of us to understand what is going on in our country, communities, and the world.  But Americans have become ‘news junkies’ and taken in more information than we can possibly manage, process, and respond to — especially on talk radio and cable TV news channels.  The basic facts are there and that is largely what we need to know.
• Make reasoned decisions that lower your exposure to the risks that you can manage.  Each of us can make some individual decisions that can help us manage our own risks — whether at an individual, family, or business level.  Steps like managing expenses more closely, not going into unnecessary debt, and taking advantage of purchasing opportunities due to the economic situation — all are reasonable steps.
• Be thankful and learn to be content.  Most of us are still in situations where we have jobs and income, a place to live, food on the table, and live in safety (I do not want to minimize those who are in more difficult circumstances, but these situations are still true for most Americans.) If this is true for you, be thankful.  There are billions in the world less fortunate.  Also, learn to be content with what you have — your job, your car, your life circumstances — versus focusing on what you wish was different or “what should have been.”
• Be gracious and generous to others.  Most of us know individuals, families and businesses who are struggling currently.  A trap that some fall into is to be judgmental of others — thinking that they are in their current circumstance because “they didn’t …” or “they shouldn’t have …”.  In some cases that may be true.  But in most cases, people are where they are due to many circumstances out of their control.  [In either case, how does it help them to judge them?]  We now have the opportunity to be warm, caring and supportive — and potentially to be generous in some way (maybe with our time, maybe by connecting them with a potential employer).
• Manage your own stress effectively.  Try to limit your exposure to negative spins on the current facts — anger, resentment and bitterness don’t lead to a healthy life.  Manage your own thoughts, worries and anxieties.  Exercise.  Sleep. Take time for re-energizing yourself.  Spend time with friends and family.  (All things that we know we should do.)

Just as many individuals recount some of the more difficult periods in their lives as the most rich and rewarding times, so we also have the opportunity to come through these current circumstances as stronger individuals, families, communities, and possibly, a stronger healthier nation.

So, “Carpe diem!” (along with grace and peace in your daily life and relationships).

Almost all of us in the United States are now starting to personally experience some aspect of the global and national economic crisis.  Whether it is through a personal or family job loss, friends and extended family members who have been laid off, a slow down in your business, or projected reduced sales for next year — the impact is now personal.  This is different than hearing it on the news or reading statistics in a publication.

I resent the frenzy and panic the media seems to want to whip up, because this type of communication doesn’t help anyone.  We need to deal with the realities of life (like Jim Collins encourages businesses to do in Good to Great), but let’s do so in a healthy manner.

So let’s talk about the thought patterns that will help us cope with the challenges and stressors we are (or will be) facing — and how to keep our mental health and hope.

• Shorten your time frame.  Regardless of the challenging issue a family, individual or business faces, one of the key aspects for managing the crisis is to keep a short time frame in mind.  Deal with what you have to today or this week.  Do not spend a lot of time thinking about (or worrying about) six months from now, or next year — largely because there are so many factors that can change between now and then, you really can’t plan that far in advance.
• Manage your cash flow.  Almost every business or family I know that has gone under financially later reports that they wish they would have made changes (e.g. “cut back”) sooner.  So it would be wise to complete an budget review, especially of unnecessary expenses, and make appropriate adjustments — this should probably include projections for income over the coming months, as this might change as well.
• Adjust your expectations.  Life’s circumstances throws us changes.  What was true six months ago for us as a country, in your business, or your family is different now.  Therefore, the goals, desires or plans you had then for the future may not fit now.  Rigidly holding onto beliefs and expectations from the past will probably create undue stress.  What is going on now may not be “fair”, but it is what it is.
• Explore options you have previously ruled out.  Many times we exclude certain options because they aren’t acceptable given the current circumstances.    But when circumstances change, previously unacceptable options may need to be reconsidered (e.g. a teenager being willing to work at part-time at a restaurant; doing tasks yourself and working later in the evening or on weekends).
• Maintain an attitude of appreciation.   We all can probably find something to complain about.  And there are lots of people and decisions who are prime targets for criticism.  But what does that really gain (except for a brief time of tension release)?  So instead of adding to the negative conversations out there, first start with remembering the things that are good in your life — and then add these to conversations.  [We had a beautiful sunrise this morning.  I appreciate having a warm house when it is cold outside.  I am thankful I have reliable transportation to get to work — and that I don’t have to commute 60+ minutes one way.]
• Keep connected socially. When people go through difficult times, one means of coping with the stress is to withdraw socially.  Generally, this is not a good long-term strategy.  Yes, we need time to ourselves and time to think things through.  But to pull back from positive, supportive relationships puts us at risk for becoming isolated, cuts us off from available resources, and we can start to get weird (we need the reality check of conversations with friends to keep our thinking straight).

I appreciate the comments of Jack DeBoer, a local successful businessman who spoke recently and said:  “You can go out and talk to people today and tell them how tough things are, how it’s tougher now, and how much tougher it’s going to get. . . Or you can go out and figure out what to do in this environment.”

I am not a major history buff, but it seems to me that a lot of people survived the Great Depression, and almost always there are opportunities to be successful in difficult times.

Most “gifts” in our culture are tangible presents — either something we buy, or sometimes make, for another.  So when we think of Christmas gifts, or presents for other events like birthdays and anniversaries, we think of “things”.  However, given that most people are hard to buy presents for because they “already have everything”, truly meaningful gifts are often taking on a different characteristic.

This past week I had a birthday and I had a wonderful day.  I started by sleeping in a little, and then went for a run on a cool, fall morning.  I went to work for the morning, and then had a nice lunch with some friends and one of my sons.  After completing my work in the afternoon, I met up with my family (all except my son who is at college in Texas) and they gave me my birthday gift.

The gift I asked for was not one they (or I could purchase) and not the typical gift you unwrap.  They gave me the gift of taking time out to (willingly) do an activity with me that I enjoy — and wanted to do together with them. In some ways the activity itself is not that important.  In fact, it might be good to think about those things that you would enjoy taking time to do on your birthday (or at Christmas), and an activity that you would really enjoy sharing with your family.  The key to this gift (for me) was that it is an activity I enjoy, but none of my family really does.  In fact, over the years, I have included them (sometimes by coercion) — asking them to go with me, and they generally haven’t enjoyed the experience.  In fact, over the years, it became clear that they really didn’t like the activity and would only go out of guilt, pressure, or not at all.

The fact that they chose to go with me truly was a gift because it was a sacrifice for them to participate.  What made it even more special and fun for me was that we actually had a good time together (I had fun because they did).

So after we were done fishing together for two hours, we went home and enjoyed a home-cooked steak, salad and baked potato dinner — along with the traditional birthday cake.

And then the fun continued — we hung out together and played a board game together, laughing at each other until we were ready to call it a night (at least, for Kathy and I).  Not the typical Friday night that teens and young adults sit around wishing for.  But I enjoyed the time with them, and I appreciate the gift of time and fun they gave me.

So for those of us that have a difficult time thinking of “what to get” friends or family members for a gift, I would encourage you to consider giving them the gift of time — especially inviting or planning to do something with them that they really enjoy doing but maybe don’t get to do as often as they like — or that you usually don’t do with them.  It is the kind of gift that money can’t buy.

Major (repeated) upheaval in the financial markets.  Hurricane Ike.  Flooding across the Midwest.  Concerns about who will be elected President (from both sides). Bombings in Pakistan.  Political turmoil in Bolivia and Venezuela.  The negative, worry-producing news keeps coming.

What’s a person to do?  Ignore it?  Stress out?  Drink more? (I heard a news report that beer and wine sales are up significantly in the last 6 months.)

Previously, I have written about the role of thankfulness and gratitude in helping us live more contentedly. Rather than pontificate on the subject further, I thought I would share the things in my life that I am thankful for — and then encourage you to make your own list.

I love:

Sunny, warm fall days with clear blue skies.  Cool fall evenings with the stars out.   The contrast of the sky blue with the late summer dark green grass and leaves.  Going to high school football games with friends on Friday nights.  The pagentry of college football games on Saturday afternoons with all the colors, sounds of the marching bands, and faint smells in the outdoor air.  Sitting around bonfires with young people and old friends.  Teaching others how to split wood and build a fire.

Fresh, perfectly ripened fruit — blueberries, blackberries, red (and black, when I can get them) raspberries, wonderful golden juicy peaches, slightly tart and crisp apples, sweet juicy grapes, cool watermelon on a hot day, sloppy mangoes (that’s how I am when I eat them), refreshing pineapple, cantalope that freshens your mouth when you eat it at breakfast, zingy pink grapefruit, fresh limes in limeade, there’s probably more.

I also love sounds: Cicadas in the woods.  The rhythmic buzz of grasshoppers, crickets & other insects when walking through a field of prairie. The breaking of waves on the beach.  Rolling thunder in the distance at night.  The wind in the trees (especially cottonwoods and eucalyptus).  The unique swoosh of the wind moving through the needles of pine trees in the mountains.  Children’s laughter when they are playing and running.  Music of all kinds — soothing classical orchestral music, energizing classic rock from the 70’s, foot-tapping quick paced bluegrass, the angelic sound of a women’s choir, the rousing fullness of a strong men’s choir, and the wonder of a talented musician playing a solo on their instrument.

I could go on.  But you get the idea.  Think of your senses — what do you enjoy the feel of? the sound of? the taste of? being able to see? what aromas bring you pleasure?

And while I’m am thinking about it — I am thankful for eyeglasses, for hot showers, for cool refreshing drinks with ice, for clean water, for quality medical treatment, for pain medication, sleeping in a comfortable bed with no bugs, being able to walk and run, for my wife and kids, for my friends.   Life is good.

Now it’s your turn.  What is good in your life?

Recently, my wife and I have had a couple of experiences together on which we both commented to one another.

One experience was actually two separate events that were similar and which occurred close together. As a family, we enjoy music and frequently go to music events of various kinds — concerts by professionals, school concerts, musical theatre productions, and free community events (e.g. concerts in a park). This summer we had the opportunity to go to a couple of professional productions and were able to take along some younger friends of ours and our family. The evenings went well and we drove everyone to and from the events. Now, we don’t invite or take others along in order to be thought well of, to receive praise, or to be viewed as magnaminous — we like to share the opportunity with friends who will enjoy the event but may not be able to go regularly. But both Kathy and I were struck by the apparent lack of appreciation (or at least, the lack of communicated appreciation) by the young friends who went with us. There was a casual, “Thanks!” as they got out and shut the door, along with a “See you tomorrow!”

This is in sharp contrast to another experience we had recently. A group of young single adults asked us to have a party at our place (we were pleased they felt comfortable to ask us) — and so we had a combination “hang out”, croquet, volleyball and outdoor movie night (we hung a cord between trees and hung a sheet as our movie screen). The evening turned out to be a lot of fun and we didn’t do much — they did most of the setup and all of the clean-up. So it was really no big deal for Kathy and I — it wasn’t costly in time or other resources. But the continual, repeated thanks we received from numerous members of the group has been almost overwhelming. Not only that night, but several times since, a number of individuals have gone out of their way to express appreciation to us. Again, we didn’t host the party in order to “look good”, or receive kudo’s. But the thankfulness and gratitude was encouraging to us — and in stark contrast to our other experiences.

Now the first group of individuals may be appreciative but as G.B. Stern has said, “Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone.” And I found an Estonian proverb (do you know where Estonia is?) that states: “Who does not thank for little will not thank for much.”

As I work with financially successful families, one of the repetitive concerns voiced by the senior generation is that they don’t want their children or grandchildren to develop an attitude of entitlement. And I can honestly say that the amount of wealth a family has is not the best predictor of the next generation’s attitude — either of gratitude or entitlement. I work with some extremely wealthy ($50M and above) whose children are grateful for the little (and big) things their parents do for them (I know some young adults in families in the same range of wealth that don’t seem to have a clue about being thankful.) And I have worked with children, teens and young adults of a wide range of socioeconomic status who consistently whine, seem to always want more, and who do not seem to appreciate the sacrifices their parents (or grandparents) make for them. Sadly, this latter group also seems to have a hard time enjoying life.

So the point?

First, it never hurts to be reminded to not only be thankful for all the good things in our lives, but also to communicate thanks to others. There probably is a point where you can be overly grateful, but most of us are a long ways from that point.

Secondly, if you are a parent (even of young adult children), I would encourage you to reaffirm the importance of communicating appreciation to those who do something or give something to us. This can be done in many ways — a phone call, a hand-written note, an email, a “thanks for ..” the next time you see the person. And, as a parent, you may need to help structure the action (help them find a time and place to actually “do it”).

I know Kathy and I have been encouraged by some simple “thanks” this week. Hopefully, we can send a wave of encouragement to others in our lives, as well.

Boy, my entries have been pretty heavy recently. Being truthful, I’m glad we’re through with the leadership articles. Good info, but a bit weighty.

So, let’s have some fun. In fact, let’s talk about how to have fun in our daily work. An ancient Hebrew saying states: “A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their work.”

Sounds great. But how? Most of us are tired and stressed, often feel overwhelmed and, as a result, we can become farily grumpy.

First, look at your life and take a moment to be thankful. Yes, you have negative circumstances in your life. We all do. (As M. Scott Peck stated in The Road Less Traveled, the starting point to mental health is to accept that “life is hard”.) But one way to overcome the negatives in our lives is to focus on the positive aspects of our lives. Personally, I am thankful I still sleep well. I am also healthy and can exercise without pain. That is a gift that many people don’t have. I love nature and have the benefit of living where I get to enjoy birds, the stars, trees, rabbits and deer. And I have a great family — a wife who loves me and four kids (although they are not “kids” anymore) who are neat people and we have a blast when we are all together. I could go on. But take a moment and think about the good tings you have in your life and give thanks (if it involves others in your life, it is good to tell them directly.)

A second key to enjoying life is to enjoy the moment. For much of my life, I have lived always looking forward to the future — thinking about tomorrow, this weekend, March Madness (I love college basketball), the next vacation, etc. As a result, I wasn’t really enjoying the moment I was living at that time. And the people around me noticed — I wasn’t present with them and I had a distant look in my eyes. I have worked hard to try to change this. No matter the circumstance — whether I am stuck in traffic, waiting for someone who is late to a meeting, fixing a flat tire — there is a way to enjoy the moment, and to make it a positive life experience. Look around — see who is there and chat with them, or take a brief moment to rest. (This is clearly a continuing growth area for me.)

A third way to enjoy life more is to practice some behaviors that foster positive interactions. Smile. Answer questions or greetings with a positive voice tone (rather than a grunt or negative comment.) Compliment others (whenever possible, be as specific as you can, “I really like that tie.” “I love the way you have decorated your office — it is so warm and inviting.”) Laugh. Tell jokes. Bring others’ attention to the positive things in life — the beauty of a sunrise or a flower, the fact that your flight arrived on time, how great lunch tasted, the accessibility of medical treatment and medication when you aren’t feeling well (think about what life was like before we had all the wonderful meds we have now.)

Next, take a moment to enjoy the people in your life. Stop by your receptionist’s or coworker’s desk and ask how their weekend was — what did they do that was fun? Or share about your weekend — tell a story about something interesting or funny that happened to you. Invite a colleague to lunch — not to talk business, but just to chat and enjoy a little time together. (You might need to give them a context — “I don’t want to talk about anthing specific. I just thought it would be fun to go grab a bite to eat together.”)

And lastly, do something that you enjoy — reward your senses, even if it is just a small thing. Talk a walk at lunch and enjoy the sunshine on your skin. Listen to some soothing music for five minutes (with your eyes closed). Eat one Hershey’s chocolate kiss and let it melt in your mouth. Give your spouse an extra long hug and kiss when you see them tonight. Tickle or wrestle with your kids. Go to bed half an hour earlier than usual and take a long, hot shower. Whatever you enjoy — incorporate some fun in your day. It makes life a lot more enjoyable!

With the Thanksgiving holiday upon us, there are numerous columns and articles discussing various aspects of the holiday. I would like to take the opportunity to bring attention to the overall benefits to our lives of having a thankful attitude.

In his bestselling book, What Happy Know, Dr. Dan Baker (who is the director of the well-known treatment program at Canyon Ranch in Arizona) states that appreciation is the single most important tool in developing an enjoyable life. Additionally, social scientists who have studied the impact of stress on our lives cite a mental attitude of thankfulness as one of the best ways to manage stress.

One of the psychological phenomena I have observed over the years is the issue of comparison. We tend to compare ourselves and the state of our lives to those around us. And our sense of satisfaction often is based on our relative status (our income, size of our home, type of car we drive, where we take vacations) in comparison to our peer group. What is key in the whole process of comparison is: to whom do we compare ourselves? The interesting factor I have noted is that, for whatever reason, most people tend to compare their live situation to those individuals who are just a little better off than we are. Rarely do we really compare ourselves to those whose life circumstances are significantly better than ours. I didn’t wake up this morning concerned that my yacht is not as large as Larry Ellison’s (the founder of Oracle– he has a mammoth boat docked in Sausalito), or that my stable of polo horses aren’t as outstanding as Prince Charles’.

We also don’t tend to think about our daily lives in comparison to those who are significantly worse off than we are – the millions of AIDS orphans in Africa, the homeless poor who live in shacks in the barrios outside of Mexico City or Rio de Janeiro, or those individuals who are suffering with chronic pain.

I can’t explain this phenomenon, in either direction.

And this is part of the benefit and beauty of Thanksgiving – it is a touchstone in time that helps us to slow down, reflect on our lives, and actually see all of the blessings in our lives. For most of us who live in the United States, the following list is usually part of our daily lives:

*having plenty of food to eat each day, for every meal we want;

*having medication to treat medical conditions and to ease our physical pain.

In contrast, of the 6 billion people in the world today, 3 billion live on $2/day or less and 2 billion live on $1/day. Hundreds of millions have no opportunity to own their own property (either legally or practically) – which inhibits their ability to engage in economic activities to make their lives better (for a great discussion on this, see the book The Mystery of Capital by Hernando de Soto).

The main point is this: It is good for each of us to stop and consider the goodness in our lives. Living in a thankful, appreciative way – daily, hourly, moment by moment — can truly enhance the quality of our lives.

I would encourage each of us to use this holiday week of Thanksgiving to set aside some time, both individually and with our family and friends, and reflect on the blessings we have in our lives. And share those thoughts with others – a positive approach to live can be contagious.

And if you are moved to some action of response, write out a check to an organization that helps those in the world who are less fortunate than we are (one of my favorites is Opportunity International, who helps the poorest of the poor in developing countries by giving them small loans to develop their own businesses).

I hope you have an enjoyable week, being thankful for all of the good things in your life.