Most “gifts” in our culture are tangible presents — either something we buy, or sometimes make, for another.  So when we think of Christmas gifts, or presents for other events like birthdays and anniversaries, we think of “things”.  However, given that most people are hard to buy presents for because they “already have everything”, truly meaningful gifts are often taking on a different characteristic.

This past week I had a birthday and I had a wonderful day.  I started by sleeping in a little, and then went for a run on a cool, fall morning.  I went to work for the morning, and then had a nice lunch with some friends and one of my sons.  After completing my work in the afternoon, I met up with my family (all except my son who is at college in Texas) and they gave me my birthday gift.

The gift I asked for was not one they (or I could purchase) and not the typical gift you unwrap.  They gave me the gift of taking time out to (willingly) do an activity with me that I enjoy — and wanted to do together with them. In some ways the activity itself is not that important.  In fact, it might be good to think about those things that you would enjoy taking time to do on your birthday (or at Christmas), and an activity that you would really enjoy sharing with your family.  The key to this gift (for me) was that it is an activity I enjoy, but none of my family really does.  In fact, over the years, I have included them (sometimes by coercion) — asking them to go with me, and they generally haven’t enjoyed the experience.  In fact, over the years, it became clear that they really didn’t like the activity and would only go out of guilt, pressure, or not at all.

The fact that they chose to go with me truly was a gift because it was a sacrifice for them to participate.  What made it even more special and fun for me was that we actually had a good time together (I had fun because they did).

So after we were done fishing together for two hours, we went home and enjoyed a home-cooked steak, salad and baked potato dinner — along with the traditional birthday cake.

And then the fun continued — we hung out together and played a board game together, laughing at each other until we were ready to call it a night (at least, for Kathy and I).  Not the typical Friday night that teens and young adults sit around wishing for.  But I enjoyed the time with them, and I appreciate the gift of time and fun they gave me.

So for those of us that have a difficult time thinking of “what to get” friends or family members for a gift, I would encourage you to consider giving them the gift of time — especially inviting or planning to do something with them that they really enjoy doing but maybe don’t get to do as often as they like — or that you usually don’t do with them.  It is the kind of gift that money can’t buy.

Major (repeated) upheaval in the financial markets.  Hurricane Ike.  Flooding across the Midwest.  Concerns about who will be elected President (from both sides). Bombings in Pakistan.  Political turmoil in Bolivia and Venezuela.  The negative, worry-producing news keeps coming.

What’s a person to do?  Ignore it?  Stress out?  Drink more? (I heard a news report that beer and wine sales are up significantly in the last 6 months.)

Previously, I have written about the role of thankfulness and gratitude in helping us live more contentedly. Rather than pontificate on the subject further, I thought I would share the things in my life that I am thankful for — and then encourage you to make your own list.

I love:

Sunny, warm fall days with clear blue skies.  Cool fall evenings with the stars out.   The contrast of the sky blue with the late summer dark green grass and leaves.  Going to high school football games with friends on Friday nights.  The pagentry of college football games on Saturday afternoons with all the colors, sounds of the marching bands, and faint smells in the outdoor air.  Sitting around bonfires with young people and old friends.  Teaching others how to split wood and build a fire.

Fresh, perfectly ripened fruit — blueberries, blackberries, red (and black, when I can get them) raspberries, wonderful golden juicy peaches, slightly tart and crisp apples, sweet juicy grapes, cool watermelon on a hot day, sloppy mangoes (that’s how I am when I eat them), refreshing pineapple, cantalope that freshens your mouth when you eat it at breakfast, zingy pink grapefruit, fresh limes in limeade, there’s probably more.

I also love sounds: Cicadas in the woods.  The rhythmic buzz of grasshoppers, crickets & other insects when walking through a field of prairie. The breaking of waves on the beach.  Rolling thunder in the distance at night.  The wind in the trees (especially cottonwoods and eucalyptus).  The unique swoosh of the wind moving through the needles of pine trees in the mountains.  Children’s laughter when they are playing and running.  Music of all kinds — soothing classical orchestral music, energizing classic rock from the 70’s, foot-tapping quick paced bluegrass, the angelic sound of a women’s choir, the rousing fullness of a strong men’s choir, and the wonder of a talented musician playing a solo on their instrument.

I could go on.  But you get the idea.  Think of your senses — what do you enjoy the feel of? the sound of? the taste of? being able to see? what aromas bring you pleasure?

And while I’m am thinking about it — I am thankful for eyeglasses, for hot showers, for cool refreshing drinks with ice, for clean water, for quality medical treatment, for pain medication, sleeping in a comfortable bed with no bugs, being able to walk and run, for my wife and kids, for my friends.   Life is good.

Now it’s your turn.  What is good in your life?

Recently, my wife and I have had a couple of experiences together on which we both commented to one another.

One experience was actually two separate events that were similar and which occurred close together. As a family, we enjoy music and frequently go to music events of various kinds — concerts by professionals, school concerts, musical theatre productions, and free community events (e.g. concerts in a park). This summer we had the opportunity to go to a couple of professional productions and were able to take along some younger friends of ours and our family. The evenings went well and we drove everyone to and from the events. Now, we don’t invite or take others along in order to be thought well of, to receive praise, or to be viewed as magnaminous — we like to share the opportunity with friends who will enjoy the event but may not be able to go regularly. But both Kathy and I were struck by the apparent lack of appreciation (or at least, the lack of communicated appreciation) by the young friends who went with us. There was a casual, “Thanks!” as they got out and shut the door, along with a “See you tomorrow!”

This is in sharp contrast to another experience we had recently. A group of young single adults asked us to have a party at our place (we were pleased they felt comfortable to ask us) — and so we had a combination “hang out”, croquet, volleyball and outdoor movie night (we hung a cord between trees and hung a sheet as our movie screen). The evening turned out to be a lot of fun and we didn’t do much — they did most of the setup and all of the clean-up. So it was really no big deal for Kathy and I — it wasn’t costly in time or other resources. But the continual, repeated thanks we received from numerous members of the group has been almost overwhelming. Not only that night, but several times since, a number of individuals have gone out of their way to express appreciation to us. Again, we didn’t host the party in order to “look good”, or receive kudo’s. But the thankfulness and gratitude was encouraging to us — and in stark contrast to our other experiences.

Now the first group of individuals may be appreciative but as G.B. Stern has said, “Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone.” And I found an Estonian proverb (do you know where Estonia is?) that states: “Who does not thank for little will not thank for much.”

As I work with financially successful families, one of the repetitive concerns voiced by the senior generation is that they don’t want their children or grandchildren to develop an attitude of entitlement. And I can honestly say that the amount of wealth a family has is not the best predictor of the next generation’s attitude — either of gratitude or entitlement. I work with some extremely wealthy ($50M and above) whose children are grateful for the little (and big) things their parents do for them (I know some young adults in families in the same range of wealth that don’t seem to have a clue about being thankful.) And I have worked with children, teens and young adults of a wide range of socioeconomic status who consistently whine, seem to always want more, and who do not seem to appreciate the sacrifices their parents (or grandparents) make for them. Sadly, this latter group also seems to have a hard time enjoying life.

So the point?

First, it never hurts to be reminded to not only be thankful for all the good things in our lives, but also to communicate thanks to others. There probably is a point where you can be overly grateful, but most of us are a long ways from that point.

Secondly, if you are a parent (even of young adult children), I would encourage you to reaffirm the importance of communicating appreciation to those who do something or give something to us. This can be done in many ways — a phone call, a hand-written note, an email, a “thanks for ..” the next time you see the person. And, as a parent, you may need to help structure the action (help them find a time and place to actually “do it”).

I know Kathy and I have been encouraged by some simple “thanks” this week. Hopefully, we can send a wave of encouragement to others in our lives, as well.

Boy, my entries have been pretty heavy recently. Being truthful, I’m glad we’re through with the leadership articles. Good info, but a bit weighty.

So, let’s have some fun. In fact, let’s talk about how to have fun in our daily work. An ancient Hebrew saying states: “A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their work.”

Sounds great. But how? Most of us are tired and stressed, often feel overwhelmed and, as a result, we can become farily grumpy.

First, look at your life and take a moment to be thankful. Yes, you have negative circumstances in your life. We all do. (As M. Scott Peck stated in The Road Less Traveled, the starting point to mental health is to accept that “life is hard”.) But one way to overcome the negatives in our lives is to focus on the positive aspects of our lives. Personally, I am thankful I still sleep well. I am also healthy and can exercise without pain. That is a gift that many people don’t have. I love nature and have the benefit of living where I get to enjoy birds, the stars, trees, rabbits and deer. And I have a great family — a wife who loves me and four kids (although they are not “kids” anymore) who are neat people and we have a blast when we are all together. I could go on. But take a moment and think about the good tings you have in your life and give thanks (if it involves others in your life, it is good to tell them directly.)

A second key to enjoying life is to enjoy the moment. For much of my life, I have lived always looking forward to the future — thinking about tomorrow, this weekend, March Madness (I love college basketball), the next vacation, etc. As a result, I wasn’t really enjoying the moment I was living at that time. And the people around me noticed — I wasn’t present with them and I had a distant look in my eyes. I have worked hard to try to change this. No matter the circumstance — whether I am stuck in traffic, waiting for someone who is late to a meeting, fixing a flat tire — there is a way to enjoy the moment, and to make it a positive life experience. Look around — see who is there and chat with them, or take a brief moment to rest. (This is clearly a continuing growth area for me.)

A third way to enjoy life more is to practice some behaviors that foster positive interactions. Smile. Answer questions or greetings with a positive voice tone (rather than a grunt or negative comment.) Compliment others (whenever possible, be as specific as you can, “I really like that tie.” “I love the way you have decorated your office — it is so warm and inviting.”) Laugh. Tell jokes. Bring others’ attention to the positive things in life — the beauty of a sunrise or a flower, the fact that your flight arrived on time, how great lunch tasted, the accessibility of medical treatment and medication when you aren’t feeling well (think about what life was like before we had all the wonderful meds we have now.)

Next, take a moment to enjoy the people in your life. Stop by your receptionist’s or coworker’s desk and ask how their weekend was — what did they do that was fun? Or share about your weekend — tell a story about something interesting or funny that happened to you. Invite a colleague to lunch — not to talk business, but just to chat and enjoy a little time together. (You might need to give them a context — “I don’t want to talk about anthing specific. I just thought it would be fun to go grab a bite to eat together.”)

And lastly, do something that you enjoy — reward your senses, even if it is just a small thing. Talk a walk at lunch and enjoy the sunshine on your skin. Listen to some soothing music for five minutes (with your eyes closed). Eat one Hershey’s chocolate kiss and let it melt in your mouth. Give your spouse an extra long hug and kiss when you see them tonight. Tickle or wrestle with your kids. Go to bed half an hour earlier than usual and take a long, hot shower. Whatever you enjoy — incorporate some fun in your day. It makes life a lot more enjoyable!

With the Thanksgiving holiday upon us, there are numerous columns and articles discussing various aspects of the holiday. I would like to take the opportunity to bring attention to the overall benefits to our lives of having a thankful attitude.

In his bestselling book, What Happy Know, Dr. Dan Baker (who is the director of the well-known treatment program at Canyon Ranch in Arizona) states that appreciation is the single most important tool in developing an enjoyable life. Additionally, social scientists who have studied the impact of stress on our lives cite a mental attitude of thankfulness as one of the best ways to manage stress.

One of the psychological phenomena I have observed over the years is the issue of comparison. We tend to compare ourselves and the state of our lives to those around us. And our sense of satisfaction often is based on our relative status (our income, size of our home, type of car we drive, where we take vacations) in comparison to our peer group. What is key in the whole process of comparison is: to whom do we compare ourselves? The interesting factor I have noted is that, for whatever reason, most people tend to compare their live situation to those individuals who are just a little better off than we are. Rarely do we really compare ourselves to those whose life circumstances are significantly better than ours. I didn’t wake up this morning concerned that my yacht is not as large as Larry Ellison’s (the founder of Oracle– he has a mammoth boat docked in Sausalito), or that my stable of polo horses aren’t as outstanding as Prince Charles’.

We also don’t tend to think about our daily lives in comparison to those who are significantly worse off than we are – the millions of AIDS orphans in Africa, the homeless poor who live in shacks in the barrios outside of Mexico City or Rio de Janeiro, or those individuals who are suffering with chronic pain.

I can’t explain this phenomenon, in either direction.

And this is part of the benefit and beauty of Thanksgiving – it is a touchstone in time that helps us to slow down, reflect on our lives, and actually see all of the blessings in our lives. For most of us who live in the United States, the following list is usually part of our daily lives:

*having plenty of food to eat each day, for every meal we want;

*having medication to treat medical conditions and to ease our physical pain.

In contrast, of the 6 billion people in the world today, 3 billion live on $2/day or less and 2 billion live on $1/day. Hundreds of millions have no opportunity to own their own property (either legally or practically) – which inhibits their ability to engage in economic activities to make their lives better (for a great discussion on this, see the book The Mystery of Capital by Hernando de Soto).

The main point is this: It is good for each of us to stop and consider the goodness in our lives. Living in a thankful, appreciative way – daily, hourly, moment by moment — can truly enhance the quality of our lives.

I would encourage each of us to use this holiday week of Thanksgiving to set aside some time, both individually and with our family and friends, and reflect on the blessings we have in our lives. And share those thoughts with others – a positive approach to live can be contagious.

And if you are moved to some action of response, write out a check to an organization that helps those in the world who are less fortunate than we are (one of my favorites is Opportunity International, who helps the poorest of the poor in developing countries by giving them small loans to develop their own businesses).

I hope you have an enjoyable week, being thankful for all of the good things in your life.