This past Father’s Day was the first, as far as I can remember, since my oldest children (twins) were born 27 years ago that I was away from all of my children. I am on a business trip that carried over the weekend, so I am away from my family. On one hand, it was weird and lonely. On the other hand, I got to do some fun things (hike in N. California redwoods and go to a beach) and all of my children called and we had nice chats.

I’d like to share some thoughts about fathers, from a variety of perspectives.

First, a few thoughts about my own dad who died 15 years ago this summer — he was 71 years old and I was 37. My dad, Roger White, was a very bright, largely self-educated man. When I reflect on some of the core character qualities that he had, I think of:

*Provider — he took his role of providing for our family seriously, and strove to do the best he could for his children and grandchildren;

*Life long learner – my dad was always learning- about engineering, mechanical design, sailing, construction, investments, how things worked;

*Problem-solver — a common dinnertime discussion topic was a recent problem he had observed and his thoughts about different ways the problem could potentially be solved, and he encouraged us to be observant of problems that needed to be solved in the world around us;

*Giver — dad was generous to those around him - to mom, to the kids (and our spouses) and grandkids, to friends and those in need that he saw;

*Hard worker — this was a “given”, if you were a member of our family (nuclear or extended) you were a hard worker;

*Focused — this was both an asset and a liability for dad, he could become focused on an issue, problem or topic and it was tough to get him off of it.

I am thankful for the legacy he left to me and my children through his modeling of these character qualities.

A second perspective comes from the fact that I conducted a family meeting this past weekend that included a multi-generational discussion on the dynamics of relationships between parents and their adult children. And there were some interesting points made and comments during the discussion.

One of the themes we discussed was the roles and responsibilities of parents (both mothers and fathers) when children are growing up. These include the responsibility to:

nurture, protect, encourage, model, teach, discipline, entertain, transport, facilitate personal development,

provide - food, clothing, shelter & other resources, make decisions, train in social skills, expose to the larger world.

When the young adults in the room saw this list growing, they spontaneously commented: “Whoa! That is a lot of responsibility. I’m not sure I want to be a parent!”

Additionally, as we worked through the different stages of parent / child relationships (childhood, adolescence, adult children), we talked about the tensions of transition in different stages. One thought shared was that parents of adult children often are confused about how much input or counsel to give their children (and their spouses). Many parents don’t want to be overly involved or intrusive, and can actually “back off” too much where they become disengaged from their children’s lives. Other parents (the one more commonly portrayed in the media) can be overly involved, give too much advice (and too strong of advice, not allowing for differing views) and essentially are experienced as being intrusive. [We discussed ways to manage this tension — which you were there!]

Another interesting (to me) point was that one of the main things parents of adult children desire from their children and other family members is — companionship. Sometimes we just like being together, hanging out, and being a part of our kids’ lives. Why? Revisit the list above of the responsibilities we carried for a number of years. We have invested a lot in our kids — time, energy, (and yes, money). And our kids have been a major part of our lives. Often, we like them and enjoy their company. Many young adults who are in their own life stage of finding their own identity and independence, forget about the situation from their parents’ point of view. So a hint to young adults and older “children” — a relatively low-cost gift to your folks is to choose to spend some time with them.

We need to look at fathers from one other perspective — from those who are either fatherless, or essentially fatherless — their fathers aren’t involved in their lives. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon in our culture. The number of children who are raised in homes without a father present is astounding. Add the number of fathers who are in the home but really not present because of work or other activities, or who are not emotionally or relationally present — and the percentage is frightening. Why? Because fathers provide important messages to their children — that they are special and loved, that they are valuable and worth one’s time and energy, and that we believe in you. (Mothers obviously communicate these messages as well, but dad’s do it in a different way.)

So if you are a guy, when (not if, but when) you are around those whose father is not present, spend a little extra time with them. Give them some time and encouragement. Let them know they are neat. Share some wisdom with them, or teach them a skill. It could be a small gift that goes a long ways to impact a child’s life.

Yes, dad’s can be annoying. But we can be cool, too (sort of). If your dad is still around, let him know something you appreciate about him or what he did for you while you were growing up. It will warm his heart.

This past weekend I had the privilege of helping facilitate a board meeting for a family foundation. One of the goals of the meeting was to begin to more fully integrate the next generation (currently twentysomethings) into the foundation’s activities and financial giving over the coming years.

Part of the process included looking at philanthropy through the lens of daily life, rather than conceptualizing it as just large financial gifts given to non-profit organizations. Here are a few thoughts from that process.

A reminder that philanthropy comes from the Greek words phileo (practical love) and anthropos (meaning man or mankind). So essentially philanthropy is the act of demonstrating practical love to others.

So, at a very basic foundational level, if we think about philanthropy in daily life, it is really embodied in kindness and treating others as you would like to be treated.

We then can take practical love toward others to the level of our lifestyle decisions and how our daily decisions impact our local and global communities. Here is a list of practical areas of daily life with some brief notes of issues to consider in each area.

*Groceries (packaging, buying in bulk, local producers)
*Transportation (utilizing public, automobile choices, flying)
*Clothing, Personal Items (used, consignment, self-made)
*Gifts (consider not giving objects, self-made, Third world, charitable donations)
*Electronics (recycling computers, cell phones, TV’s / screens, energy efficiency)
*Housing (green, energy efficiency, remodeling)
*Banking (utilizing community-based, socially-involved
*Services (using global professionals from accounting, web design)
*Physical health (healthy lifestyle, exercise, equipment)
*Medical treatment (natural, preventative, high tech, insurance)
*Recycling (paper, plastic, glass, metal, in general)
*Recreation / Entertainment (low cost, low impact, big business)
*Financial investments (socially responsible, mission and program related investments)

We then also discussed ways to incorporate charitable giving in one’s daily life context (versus just thinking about annual financial gifts). These included:

*Looking for needs in your local, daily community.
*Observing organizations that intersect with your life.
*Volunteering your time, service and expertise.
*Giving financially from your monthly income.
*Attending charitable events and fundraisers of organizations you want to support.

No major earthshaking revelations here, but possibly some helpful reminders in how we can think about others through our daily life decisions.

This past week I had the privilege in being involved in a number of school graduation ceremonies, in different roles.  I had a daughter who graduated from high school (along with all of the receptions involved).  I had a son who graduated from college, but who didn’t “walk” — not because he didn’t want to, but because he is pursuing a masters and the two degrees are tied together.  I had a number of my friends whose teenagers and young adults graduated, so we are going through the journey simultaneously.  And I had a number of teens and young adults whom I consider to be friends of mine who graduated.

It is interesting to me to observe the different perspectives different age groups bring to the graduation process.  (Although the following observations are broad generalizations, I think they are true for many in each age group.)

• High School graduates seem to be largely focused on “getting done”.  They view the process of completing high school as a significant long term task to complete — it is the culmination of twelve (or more) years of elementary and secondary education.  Given that most high school students are looking toward college or some other form of further training, they often are looking forward to the future with anticipation (mixed with some anxiety, depending on the student).
• College graduates are glad to be done, for sure.  But they more typically are facing the harsh realities of “real life” — trying to find a job, determining the next steps in their lives (not only where they will work, but where they will live).  There generally seems to be a deeper sense of accomplishment than with high school graduates, as it should be.  Some college grads busted through in four (sometimes three) years, while others took five years.  For others, it truly has been a long term goal stretched over several years or decades.  College graduates seem to exude a deep appreciation along with a measured hope for the future.
• Older family members (aunts, uncles, grandparents, older siblings) usually are filled with pride for the accomplishment of the younger family member.  Their experience seems to be mellower, just enjoying the moment and appreciating the time together with family.  With older siblings there is a fair amount of teasing of their younger brothers and sisters, in a good natured way, but one which also seems to communicate “Don’t get too stuck on yourself.  There’s more life to conquer.”
• Parents are the ones who seem to experience the widest range of feelings and emotions — pride, relief, sadness, anxiety about the future, gratefulness for one less tuition payment.  And reflection.  In listening to many parents’ conversations, they often are reflective on the past few years’ life experiences, and sometimes on the child’s entire lifetime.

Interestingly, it is this process of reflection that has caught my attention.  Both for myself, for other friends who are parents, and for many family members (aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents), graduation ceremonies and the traditions which accompany them seem to bring back numerous memories.  These memories include their own graduation and school experiences, prior family members’ graduations, and their life experiences with the graduate.

Not an earthshaking observation, but it does seem that “ceremonies” help mark points in time.  Graduations, weddings, anniversaries, birthday parties — all provide a memory touchstone that we can connect memories, feelings, and lessons of life to.

And this can be a great starting point for meaningful conversations with others.  Questions like:  “Grandma, what was your high school graduation like?”   Or, “What do you remember about your college graduation?” can be great ways to learn more deeply about those you love.

For me, the graduation time has been a helpful reminder to ask myself:

a) Am I investing my time and energy into those activities and relationships that I really want to — that are most important to me?   and

b) What do I want (and need) to do to continue to build the relationships that I want to keep close and growing?

A lesson I have learned from having three of our four children move into young adulthood — maintaining and growing relationships with young adults takes time, perseverance, and commitment.  You no longer have “dinner time” to catch up on the day’s activities and you don’t tend to have them in the car as much just running errands together and chatting.  So I am in the midst of planning how to maintain and build the relationships with all four of my young adult children as they move into new phases of their lives.